i am glad it cannot happen twice, the fever of first love. for it is a fever, and a burden, too

[realists]

♪ satellite -- guster feat. the guster string players

The Alliance had rescued her from prison and she supposes she should have been grateful but she'd felt a certain kind of glee when she'd heard the crunch of Melshi's ribs under the shovel she'd swung at him. She knew the second he stepped into view that they were Alliance and they were here for her, however clearly unsanctioned, but that didn't mean she was going to go without a fight. If he couldn't come rescue her his damn self...

It's been four years since she ran away from the Alliance. There was always too many questions: about Saw and Steela Gerrera -- as if she was old enough to answer anything about Steela Gerrera, about Jyn herself, about why she was left behind by the Partisans. She didn't fit in with the Alliance and their stupid little soldier got too close and she ran because she was terrified he would leave her. She ran and changed her name and changed it again and changed it again and forgot that he knew all her aliases and habits and tells. Of course he would find her.

Now she's back with the Alliance and no one will tell her why and no one will tell her where the hell Cassian Jeron Andor is, but they are all sure to tell her that he's a Captain now -- youngest in the Alliance! -- and she should address him as such.

Her middle finger gets tired from being used so much.

Her fists, still shackled, slam against the table. "I'm a prisoner of the Empire, you don't have any right to keep me here against my will!" Maybe she's yelling to no one, but she is positive there is someone outside listening to her so they can relay any information to their captain. He did like knowing things, though she is surprised he is letting them keep her in chains when he knows how much she hates the feeling. Maybe it's an oversight. Maybe he's changed. "Let me out of here!"

Comments

[realists]

"Okay." Her head bobs in a nod, unruly bangs falling into her eyes before she moves to the door. Her plan is as follows: pee, maybe throw up if the mood strikes her, sit quietly in the dark and try not to cry. It's a good solid plan and surely won't end in red rimmed eyes and streaks of eyeliner down her cheeks.

[evasives]

He should leave her now, because there is nothing that would dictate his staying. He brought her here, he has things to do to prepare, and even though his body is telling him to move, his legs are glued to the spot.

His gaze drops to her hands, and Cassian considers the handcuffs again. He mulls over the base and the likelihood of her escape, and if he's honest with himself, the odds are the same whether or not she has bound hands.

"Do you want them gone or not?" he asks, before someone can tell him he's being stupid. He's been away from command long enough that he's sure K2 is already on his way to look for him. This isn't sentimentality; it's practicality. If the mission is going to go well, Jyn needs to be in the best condition possible in the next two hours. Right.

[realists]

She waffles, fidgeting because she really does have to pee, that wasn't just some excuse to move. She's had to use the bathroom since they shoved her in that room and told her to wait.

She's not going to sleep and even though her wrists hurt a little it's a far cry from how she'd feel at the end of the day on Wobani so she feels fine, if not viscerally uncomfortable to be restrained still. It's not that she doesn't want out of them immediately, but she also doesn't want Cassian thinking she's going to fuck off before the mission he'd basically forced her into.

Something about trust.

"I'm fine."

[evasives]

He feels prickly for reasons he can't identify, which is probably a sign he really needs to leave. He breathes in a silent sigh before nodding curtly at her.

She's not fine, but the cuffs are probably not the reason why. He's not fine either, but at least there are no signs of it. He hopes.

"Then I'll see you in two hours."

Cassian turns, leaving her alone and hoping it's not a mistake as he starts to walk away. He needs to check on Melshi. He needs to intercept K2. He needs to finalize the last bit of the mission. One step at a time.

[realists]

She wasn't going to sleep.

She was going to sit quietly in the dark and torture herself wondering if Cassian had a new partner and if so were they pretty. They're pretty, she decides, maneuvering the bathroom awkwardly. Pretty and delicate and kind and sweet with smooth skin like caramel and glossy hair cut by someone paid to do it and not rusty sheers when it's gotten too long and bothersome. This person she invents in her head has class and education and a family that welcomes Cassian with open arms and sends him back to base with leftovers and hugs. A medic or a doctor, someone who heals and comforts instead of hurts, someone with ethics and morals that people look at and say "what a good person".

Someone who stays.

It's not until she's alone in the dark room that the sobs overtake her and she collapses in on herself like a terribly constructed flan. It's too much. Her father and Cassian and Saw and Cassian, so many open wounds she pretended were closed but were just festering with gangrene and now she has to face it all at once and she can't cope. She cries for what feels like hours until she cries herself straight to sleep, eyeliner down her splotchy cheeks, eyes red and puffy, nose like Rudolph. Her tears soak the pillow that she tips over into and she just... passes out, arms crushed uncomfortably beneath her.

[evasives]

Cassian makes it around the corner before he ducks into an alcove and scrubs a hand down his face. He keeps his hand over his mouth, breathing sharply through his nose as the facade of impassivity collapses around him.

He hates that this is necessary. Selfishly for himself, but also for the fact that Jyn is hardly having the time of it either. But the Rebellion comes first, so he dragged her in anyway.

He ignores that if he truly followed that logic, he wouldn't be sitting here on a renegade mission and would instead be on his way prepared to assassinate the not-so-fatherly scientist. The alcove is quiet, and Cassian gives himself a few long moments to collect himself, to rebury everything that dared to try and bubble to the surface.

Then it's back to it. He slips back into being a Captain and immediately focuses on the mission at hand, running through all the final stages of prep and avoiding Jyn as long as possible. If he doesn't think about it, he doesn't have to deal with it, and that's obviously the best way forward, especially since he'll be with her from here on out until they find Galen Erso.

When he does finally make his way back to Jyn, he finds K2 standing in the doorway. "What are you doing." His voice is flat but quiet, a subtle warning he suspects will go over the droid's head anyway.

"She is sleeping." And K2 is loud, tipped with the tiniest inflection. "Aren't we leaving soon?"

[realists]

The droid's voice wakes her, eyes squeezing tighter shut like she can will him away. After a handful of seconds, she opens her eyes and he is still there. Freakishly tall and irritating and so full of a very Jyn specific loathing. She'd come to begrudgingly accept it, before, but she knows that is over.

"Are we?" Has it been two hours already? Probably. Her hands lift to rub at her eyes, cuffs catching her chin hard enough to make her teeth rattle. She ignores the future site of a bruise, ignores that she looks like a stroppy cow, sodden and splotchy and puffy, ignores everything in order to stiffly stand up.

"Out with it. Everything you want to say, say it right now and get it over with. Give me all your odds on how I'm going to foul this mission up because I'm a wretched person. I'm guessing 82.4% but I gave myself the benefit of the doubt." Maybe if she just lets Cassian's best good friend and protector get all his many feelings out he won't make this mission more tense than it will already be just from Jyn and Cassian being in the same room. "Have at it, Kay, I know you want to."

[evasives]

"You look terrible."

He should reprimand his robot, but Cassian just looks over at Jyn instead and takes in the very obvious signs that she fell asleep crying. There is a flash of guilt, the familiar sharp pain of it that comes after committing something like murder.

"There is a 50% chance you will leave partway through, and odds of mission failure go up to 81% when you do."

"K2." His voice is stern. He pretends the droid did not just imply even at 50% Jyn was going to leave anyway, but K2 has always been more openly bitter about it.

"What? She asked!" There's a pause. "I am still working on my full analysis now that I have seen you. I don't like you being here. I don't want Cassian to be unhappy when you disappear again. I want to say more, but Cassian told me not to."

"K2," his voice is harsher this time, and the droid looks at him. "Wait on the ship."

"Fine. But do not uncuff her. It's very unwise." The droid lingers for a moment, like he doesn't want to leave them alone, but he slinks out anyway with the order, mumbling to himself.

Cassian stills, gritting his teeth. "Clean yourself up, then come to the hangar."

[realists]

Hypothesis proven incorrect because now it's far more tense. K2 was harsh but actually less than Jyn was expecting, which either says something about her or the droid, she isn't sure.

Part of her wants to reassure Cassian that she won't leave but she'd already left. She was a scared kid at the time but it doesn't change that she chose to leave the boy she loves without warning or opportunity for Cassian to defend himself against the actions she had decided for him. He was going to leave her, that was her foregone conclusion and she's ruined everything.

K2 could have been impossibly harsh and Jyn would have just taken it, wiping away the tear stains on her cheeked and pushing her hair back. "I'm ready."

[evasives]

"No you're not. Wash your face."

He thinks he should have taken the cuffs off and let her sleep a tiny bit better. He knows he's going to now at any rate, at the very least before they land on Jedha. Even without wanting an extra defense in her free hands, Cassian does not think showing up to a Saw Gerrera meet and greet with Jyn Erso in handcuffs would go particularly well.

He does wish K2 hadn't found her. A very impossible wish, since the mission has now decreased to just the three of them with Melshi out of commission.

"I'll meet you at the ship."

And he leaves for the hangar, trying to shake K2's mild words from his head. It could have been far worse. It probably will get worse, and he can only hope to interrupt the droid first.

[realists]

"Okay." She's going to lose half her vocabulary at this rate.

Part of her wants to ignore him and leave herself as is. It turns out to be a bigger part and she gives in to her petty impulses, stopping at the bathroom to pee again and reapply eyeliner that she always mysteriously has. She frowns at herself in the mirror, pale and fragile looking and about to turn twenty two. She doesn't feel any different but maybe that will change. She wonders, idly, if Cassian remembers her birthday.

By the time she makes it to the hanger she has a scarf draped over her hair and looped around her neck and that's the only change. Jedha is cold, if she remembers correctly and she hasn't got a proper jacket like Cassian's fluffy one of old so the scarf will have to do and she'll have to hope it's as mild a day as the droid's complaints.

She steps on to the ship without invitation when she sees K2 moving on and off it and drops down into a seat against the wall, waiting.

[evasives]

Cassian notices when she boards the ship, both because he's always aware of his surroundings, but apparently he's still very aware of Jyn when she enters a room too. He doesn't quite watch her go inside, but he's bristling enough that K2 sighs dramatically next to him while he runs over one last thing with his crew in the hangar.

He climbs on board the ship with K2 right behind him, closing the hatch. It feels like he's sealing in all the tension, so naturally the best thing to do is to keep ignoring it and move towards the cockpit, sparing only a cursory glance at Jyn. "We're taking off as soon as we're cleared."

She's going to be cold in just the scarf, and he wonders if any of the extra clothes stored on the ship will be useful to her. There might be another jacket.

K2 is still and uncharacteristically quiet while he stares at Jyn in her seat, before Cassian calls out for him and he follows his reprogrammer into the pilots' seats. He runs over the control statistics, before immediately switching into something else, almost like he's trying to catch Cassian off guard. "I still maintain she is going to leave as soon as the opportunity presents itself. We should not allow her to be on her own once we reach Jedha."

"That does not even fit into the plan, K2. Prepare to drive please."

[realists]

"I can hear you," Jyn reminds the droid in a sweet, sing-song voice that only speaks to the fidgety irritation she can't voice because it's not like K2 doesn't have a point. If their roles were reversed she would be twice as harsh, if not more, and she definitely wouldn't hesitate to remind him at every possible moment that he'd left.

She can't blame him for doing the same to her.

Especially because it's true. She's spent the last four years running from her biggest mistake, running away is how she copes. Or doesn't cope. Semantics. And he's right that she's itching to run this time, too.

Instead she hooks her ankle around a strap on the floor because she can't hold on to the seat with her hands restrained and she can't buckle into the harness either. She stubbornly refuses to complain. Lift off and the jump to hyperspace are all she really needs to hold on for, it'll be fine probably. She'll deal.

[evasives]

"I know. I wanted you to hear."

Cassian's life is long suffering. He closes his eyes for a moment, then focuses on the lift off. It helps to be in the pilot's chair, with the familiarity of the controls under his hands. This ship doesn't go anywhere without his say. It doesn't leave without warning.

They soar off the base easily, and K2 announces all the calculations as they just to hyperspace, the ship rocking a normal amount with it. Once they're there, it's easy to keep calm despite how fast they're moving, and Cassian adjusts to prepare for eventual autopilot.

There are so many things he thinks he could say to Jyn, and very few of them are kind. But Cassian knows if he does, he jeopardizes the mission, and he refuses to risk it on a girl who left him carelessly. The Rebellion is all he has.

At least he feels better about removing her cuffs on board the ship. It's not like she could take out the both of them at once and steal it. K2's constant reiteration that she'll leave again is just hammering it in and making him believe it more.

[realists]

Deciding not to engage K2 further, Jyn settles in to silently wait out the trip, eyes closed for most of it until she hears Cassian moving toward her and her eyes snap open, following his movements carefully. It's almost wary but there's no fear. It's more like apprehension.

Her fingers twist around her wrists the second they're free, borne more of a desire to rid herself of the feeling of being restrained than any actual physical discomfort. She's been in and out of cuffs so often lately her wrists seem permanently bruised, but being out of them finally sees the slightest drain in the tension of her shoulders.

"I won't leave until you have my father," she says quietly, so K2 can't interrupt her. "He's not on Jedha so." Saying don't worry about me seems stupid so she leaves it at that.

[evasives]

Cassian is careful as he unlocks the cuffs not to touch her, because he doesn't want to be reminded of the feeling. It doesn't stop his hands from being close enough to feel the warmth from her skin, but that alone kicks in another ward, another wall.

He's not sure if he would prefer K2 overhearing, because he doesn't know what he wants to say to that. Having the droid do most of the speaking lately has really been a crutch of avoidance.

"I wish I could believe you." Maybe her father is enough to get her to stay through Jedha. It probably depends on what's waiting for them with Saw, with the defector pilot. There were a lot of things he used to believe about Jyn, but he allowed himself to fall in too deeply only to be hurt for the risk, so the skepticism holds strong.

"Did you just uncuff her?" There's exasperation in the robotic tone.

He can't stop looking at her, even as he replies to K2. "She needs her hands on Jedha."

[realists]

It's too hard when he is this close and his comment feels like a slap. The sheen of unshed tears turns her eyes to sea glass, soft and cloudy and she looks away first, hating herself for the fragility -- the vulnerability -- he still brings out in her. She left, she should have moved on. She has no right to be upset anymore.

"You should have found a different way in." This is a bad idea. It's not a bad plan, but a plan centering on her and Cassian is doomed to fail. She doesn't feel sharp or prepared or ready, she feels weak.

[evasives]

His jaw tightens when she reacts like that, and he hates that his instinct is still to want to reach out to offer comfort. He doesn't, but the urge rolls through him

"There was no other way that did not result in your father's death." It's definitely still a terrible plan being with her right now, but he can't imagine the alternative. Cassian knows his dedication to the Rebellion would have had him pull the trigger if he'd done as told, which is something he knows he wouldn't have been able to deal with thanks to Jyn, so he took steps to avoid that.

Even if it meant seeing her again here and now. Some other rebel would have busted Jyn out and taken her to Jedha. With him is the only way Galen stays alive in the end.

It's probably a sign of softness, but he's pretending otherwise.

[realists]

She tries, and fails, to focus on other things. Any other thing will do but all she can think about is being in the same room with Cassian and how badly it hurts. She'd wanted this for him, she wanted him to thrive and grow and excel and be everything he wouldn't have been if she stuck around because he'd constantly be cleaning up her messes.

Youngest captain in the entire Alliance. He never would have had that if she hadn't left. She would tell him she's proud of him if she didn't think he would laugh at the sentiment.

Instead, because she was already cementing everything he has said to her thus far to memory to call upon when she misses him later, she remembers: "You said something about a weapon. What is it?"

[evasives]

Like most missions, Cassian relays the information to himself on repeat, to remind him to stay focused. It's harder to do so looking at Jyn, because she looks so miserable and he relates, even if there's no sign of it.

But he's a Captain. He's equipped to deal with this. Whatever he feels is irrelevant and he's used to burying that. He's especially used to trying to bury Jyn and the deep ache in his chest over what she'd done to him. He couldn't let it hold him back, so he did his best to ignore it - always always ignoring - but it may not have prepared him fully to deal with her now, because if he's honest, he's never properly dealt with it in the first place.

"They're calling it a planetkiller. There is little else we have so far, which is why it's important we succeed on Jedha."

[realists]

"A planetkiller."

It makes sense now, why they would want to kill her father, beyond his being an Imperial scientist. Galen Erso was a traitor. She stands up suddenly, paces away, debates the merits of throwing up directly on K2, resigns herself to merely feeling sick to her stomach instead of acting on it. Her father is a traitor.

Maybe being terrible is just a genetic trait.

Her palms press flat against the hull, head ducking a little as the chill of the metal seeps into her. She already feels cold down to her very bones, Jedha will be practically balmy in comparison. She swallows down the bile in her throat, shoves the memories over her father back into the box and shuts it closed for good. When she turns back, slow and calm, her face is a mask of indifference, even if her eyes give away the upset.

"I can't take you to Saw. I've never been to his base on Jedha. No one is going to believe who I am or why I want to see him and he's too damn paranoid to come out on his own." Cassian doesn't want a fight, but she knows he's going to get one. "We'll have to get caught which means we'll have to be hostile and then I will play nice so we don't get killed in the process. I know you don't trust me anymore but that's how it's going to go down whether you like it or not so we might as well plan for it."

We. She feels sick again.

[evasives]

He watches her pace and move and recognizes the restlessness in her that maybe should have been a sign that she was never going to stay. He was never going to be good enough to keep her around, no matter what he felt, or thought she felt too.

Like always, he does not move, preferring the stillness of himself to think and process anything.

"I have contacts on Jedha. The plan is to try and reach out to them, and hopefully at least gain access to the base by tossing your name around. I am not stupid enough to think we can just waltz in without getting shot at." He draws in a breath, because she used the word we, and because he's trying not to use this to vent out some of his anger at her. "Tensions between Saw's Rebels and the Imperials on Jedha are at an all time high. I would not walk myself into a situation like this without several possible plans. I'm not looking for a fight, but I am well aware that we're likely to get one anyway. I would not have uncuffed you otherwise."

[realists]

"I don't think you're stupid." Such a minor thing to clarify but it comes out before she even realizes and then she just feels, well, stupid.

As if her minor outburst hadn't even happened, she continues, clasping her uncuffed hands behind her as if keeping them away from him. In case he changes his mind.

"Alright." She doesn't mention that if he floats her name to a bunch of rebels currently skirmishing with Imperials and currently holding an Imperial pilot who has information about her father and weapon that kills planets, they might be inclined to shoot first and ask questions later, regardless of Saw's long ago affection for her. He's probably already planned for that. Maybe she is just an acceptable loss. "So we're walking into a war zone. Got it."

[evasives]

He opens his mouth, then closes it, the only bit of a hint that he's surprised to hear her say it so defensively. She's not supposed to be that way with him. She left.

But she ignores it, so naturally he does the same. He is trying to ignore a lot of things about Jyn Erso today, and he really hopes he doesn't reach a limit.

Saw abandoned Jyn, and Cassian saw firsthand what it did to her. It hasn't been long enough that she'd be unrecognizable to him, so Cassian has to hope that should her name get back to Saw, at the very least the Rebel leader would be curious - whether he trusts Jyn to be real or not is another story.

"A war zone we will not participate in unless absolutely necessary. The woman I hope to speak to is one of Saw's Rebels, a very distant tie. She will offer a better word of the exact nature of the situation before we decide how to proceed."

It's all very clinical sounding.

[realists]

There's that we again, like they're a team.

"We can't bring him." She jerks her head toward the cockpit. Unnecessary considering there's only three people on the ship anyway and she's certainly not talking about Cassian himself. "If they're fighting with Imperials he'll be a target before he can try to talk himself out of it and he obviously hasn't learned tact, yet."

She can insult and wish to protect at the same time.