i am glad it cannot happen twice, the fever of first love. for it is a fever, and a burden, too

[realists]

♪ satellite -- guster feat. the guster string players

The Alliance had rescued her from prison and she supposes she should have been grateful but she'd felt a certain kind of glee when she'd heard the crunch of Melshi's ribs under the shovel she'd swung at him. She knew the second he stepped into view that they were Alliance and they were here for her, however clearly unsanctioned, but that didn't mean she was going to go without a fight. If he couldn't come rescue her his damn self...

It's been four years since she ran away from the Alliance. There was always too many questions: about Saw and Steela Gerrera -- as if she was old enough to answer anything about Steela Gerrera, about Jyn herself, about why she was left behind by the Partisans. She didn't fit in with the Alliance and their stupid little soldier got too close and she ran because she was terrified he would leave her. She ran and changed her name and changed it again and changed it again and forgot that he knew all her aliases and habits and tells. Of course he would find her.

Now she's back with the Alliance and no one will tell her why and no one will tell her where the hell Cassian Jeron Andor is, but they are all sure to tell her that he's a Captain now -- youngest in the Alliance! -- and she should address him as such.

Her middle finger gets tired from being used so much.

Her fists, still shackled, slam against the table. "I'm a prisoner of the Empire, you don't have any right to keep me here against my will!" Maybe she's yelling to no one, but she is positive there is someone outside listening to her so they can relay any information to their captain. He did like knowing things, though she is surprised he is letting them keep her in chains when he knows how much she hates the feeling. Maybe it's an oversight. Maybe he's changed. "Let me out of here!"

Comments

[evasives]

He listens very carefully, surprisingly so, and takes every word at face value. There's a tiny voice in his head telling him it sounds like nonsense, that something so huge and so dangerous needs more proof than second hand messages to be believed but - he believes her. It explains her state when he found her, even if it doesn't explain her state now.

But it's a more robotic repetition, more factual than emotional. There was clearly more to it, but he's not going to push the personal.

"It's what they used on Jedha."

It's a quiet comment, a quiet sign that he does believe her, as the reality of such a weapon sinks in. He'd rather be doubting her, to avoid acknowledging the Empire having so much power, but the air is too heavy to be a lie.

"We have to get your father."

[realists]

"We have to go to Eadu."

Bodhi, having heard them like the rest of the ship, chirps up that he can help, that he knows the way to the base -- because that's how he met Galen in the first place, supply runs to Eadu -- and he can help them find their way in. His voice is light and thin and touched with a slight stammer, but he's so earnest.

When he says something about how Galen told him he could make right by himself if he was brave and followed his heart, Jyn cracks under the weight of her emotions and pushes away from the two of them, heading as far back into the ship as she can manage and tucking herself into on of the seat, head against the cool metal of the interior hull. Cassian can manage the planning without her, she's not necessary.

Out of habit, she reaches for her necklace, but her hand falls instead to her lap when she comes up empty.

[evasives]

He doesn't point out that she said so already, just like he doesn't bother fighting the decision. He finishes up the conversation with Bodhi, quickly checks on Chirrut and Baze, then moves to set course for Eadu. K2 is mercifully agreeable and though he sets the ship on autopilot as they traipse through hyperspace, he's grateful the droid stays in the cockpit.

Cassian is very aware when Jyn slips towards the back of the ship, but he focuses on running through logistics with everyone on board first. Bodhi is enthusiastically helpful, and while Cassian isn't the most confident in how it's all going to pan out, they have a plan.

He sees the way her hand goes for her necklace, the way it falls flat immediately after, and his own hand touches the pocket where he has her crystal. There's an urge to give it back to her, fighting his fear she'll take off the moment the ship lands. He moves towards her anyway, stopping about two feet away and hoping none of the other passengers take notice.

"It's still safe."

[realists]

Distantly, Jyn is paying attention to the planning, to what is happening on the other side of the ship. It's not all that big a ship to begin with regardless and Bodhi isn't as quiet as Cassian's controlled, steady voice. It's easy enough to listen along.

It's easy enough to notice when Cassian makes his way over to her and she looks up slowly.

"I know." She huffs a defeated sounding sigh, reaching up to drag both hands over her hair, shaking her head at the same time. "Probably safer with you than it ever was with me anyway."

[evasives]

His jaw clenches, though not very obviously, and it's moreso aimed at himself. He knows what the simplest solution to help her is, but that involves helping her. He's trying so very hard to be as impartial as possible, but there's no way she's anywhere close to being okay right now, and he finds he can't ignore it.

He averts his gaze when he replies, if only because making the offer makes him feel weak, but he can't stop himself. "Do you want it back, until we get to Eadu?"

[realists]

"No."

Her head shakes as she pushes herself up to her feet, pushing her hair back as she does so. She feels too close and it makes her feel cold being this close and not close at all. Her father wanted her to be happy and she threw it away because she was stupid and scared and selfish. Maybe her father's time would have been better well spent building a time machine.

"No, I want you to have it."

[evasives]

He frowns, clearly surprised by the answer. Saw Gerrera has died and they're about to find Galen, but she still refuses to take the crystal back, and it's just unusual. Which begs him to think he doesn't really know if that's true. It's been years.

It doesn't stop him from tugging it out of his pocket and holding it out to her anyway, against all better judgment. He shouldn't care that she's hurting, but he does. He cares too much and kind of hates himself for it. But it's not like she can jump ship. "Take it. Until Eadu. Give it to me again when we're closer."

[realists]

Again her head shakes, though this time it is firmer, like she's decided something and is determined to stand by that decision.

"When Mama gave it to me, she told me to trust the Force." She doesn't, she never has, she doesn't know if she ever will. She knows she's told part of the story to Cassian before, however, but these are new details. She'd always stopped at 'my mother gave it to me' and kept the details to herself. It probably isn't fair to drop all the details on Cassian now but. She can't screw it up more than she already has.

It's almost freeing, the sudden feeling like she has absolutely nothing left to lose. Her mother, the father that raised her, Cassian, her reality for the last decade of her life. What else is there?

"She told me to trust the Force, that she'd be there. I was eight and terrified, I thought she meant in the cave or later, on whatever planet we fled to. I didn't realize she meant in whatever afterlife there might be." She keeps her voice carefully quiet so no one else can overhear, but Cassian is right there, her voice doesn't need to carry far. "Please, keep it."

[evasives]

As soon as she denies it a second time, he knows there's no fighting her on this, but it worries him if only because he doesn't know how else to help her. He's stuck on the fact that he can't smother that urge.

But she talks about her mother and he swallows. It's more pieces of her and her past that he doesn't want because he doesn't have the room if she's just going to leave again. Her voice is quiet for only him, and that makes it feel even heavier. It's like a private conversation, the kind he used to hoard every time she opened up to him because it made him feel good. Trustworthy. It's not a strictly good feeling now because he's - confused, maybe. Uncertain.

"If that's what you want," is all he says, and he tucks the crystal gently back into his pocket carefully. The quiet settles between them, taking up the awkward space. "We have some time before we land. You should rest. Or eat." A beat. "We all should."

[realists]

Jyn slowly nods, murmuring a quiet "yeah" of agreement she doesn't really agree with -- what little appetite she had vanished with her father's message and dried up entirely when Saw...

She forces that away, trying to escape the thoughts entirely, but it leaves her only with thoughts of Cassian and that's almost worse. She can't do anything and wants to do something, anything, to make herself feel like she's important even in the smallest scheme of things but she knows that she really isn't.

Quickly, she presses up on her tiptoes and darts in to kiss Cassian's cheek. "Thank you, for coming back for me. I know you didn't have to."

[evasives]

It's not a real agreement, but it's not one he's going to argue with. He might have once. He looked after her that way, like she did him, and standing right here with her it feels like it'd be easy to return to the habit.

To say he wasn't expecting her to kiss his cheek is an understatement. He's startled by it in a very obvious way, mouth opening in surprise. On an instinct he thought was buried, his arm scooped up under her elbow to help her keep her balance when she leant up, and it stays there even after she says thank you.

It hurts as much as it keeps confusing him. Cassian is so starved for affection, and Jyn used to give it so freely to him. "You're welcome," falls out of his mouth, almost a question. He's not doing a very good job keeping his mask up right now. "I wasn't - I would not have left you there."

[realists]

Jyn needs to stop.

She needs to stop and back away and let Cassian move on with his life with the doctor she'd dreamed up for him, to be happy and fulfilled and safe with someone that isn't her because she'd made him unhappy with her selfishness.

But she can't. She is selfish and she doesn't think she's stupid anymore. She just watched her father die and she's going to find the other that she'd spent her whole like thinking was a bastard traitor who abandoned her because he cared more about the Empire than his daughter. She's lost so much, she wants to hold on to the one good thing in her life and Cassian was always the best.

It all happens so fast, too fast, it could almost be called an accident. Jyn's hand curls around the back of his neck, fingers cold as always as they get caught in his hair, the weight of her presses against him, and then she's kissing him, eyes squeezed shut. It could be an accident. She slipped and landed on his mouth, with her mouth.

[evasives]

She kisses him. It's a memory come to life and there's too much surprise to stamp any of it out. Cassian knows he should push her away, should pull her hand away, should berate her for doing this to him.

Instead he finds himself kissing her back, like no time at all has passed. He's taller now, and their bodies don't fit the same way, but his hands find her waist and readjust. They were always like that, always quick to figure each other out. His chest aches but he kisses her eagerly, unable to breakaway no matter how much is brain is screaming at him that it's a mistake.

Jyn always did have that effect on him. She stepped on his logic and smiled and apparently that hasn't gone away given how quickly he gave in, how quickly his hands cling to keep her close.

[realists]

Whatever else is happening vanishes the moment Cassian returns the kiss, with enthusiasm. Jyn agrees: he should push her away, should pull her hand away, should berate her for doing this to him. But he kisses her and Jyn melts, the same way she always has.

Her arms curl around his shoulders, pulling herself up meet him. Standing on her tiptoes to kiss him has always been the case, simply the curse of being smaller than him, and Jyn finds that being out of the habit doesn't mean it's not still as natural to her as breathing. She breathes in the familiarity of everything even as she focuses on the differences. More stubble, he's taller, his hair is shorter and somewhere along the lines he changed his shampoo. But his hand still settle on her waist and she knows if she presses closer, which she does, that his arms will curl tighter around her.

She knows she should stop this, but she can't. Tears sting behind her eyes again, but she ignores them, chasing the taste of him like she can drown in it.

[evasives]

He should stop. This is a bad idea. But everything about this whole mission has probably been a bad idea from the start. She melts into him and it's like time travel, like they've been together all this time.

Jyn pushes herself up against him and Cassian reacts without thinking just like she suspected, his arms winding more tightly around her. His kisses are hungrier than he intended, but he's missed her in spite of himself. She's more toned than she used to be, harder against him, and her grip is a vice he keeps giving into.

One of his hands sweeps up higher on her back, and the other dips accidentally under her shirt from the simple urgency in clutching her. He doesn't pull it away, even though he knows he should do that too, but whatever has come over him he doesn't want to let it escape. Not yet. He wants to keep kissing her and pretend it doesn't hurt as much as it sets him alight.

[realists]

Cassian has always been the stronger one, the one with self-control, so the way he keeps giving in only spurs Jyn on. She squirms when his palm brushes her skin, so hot it feels like an imprint will be burned there, marking her, making a quiet little whimpering noise that get swallowed up by his mouth.

Her arms unwind from his shoulders, but only so she can start pushing his soft brown jacket down over his shoulders, to free him from another layer. She almost pines for his fluffy blue parka, but she also remembers how much of a pain in the ass if was to deal with the snaps. The heel of her hand scrapes against the insignia bar on his chest and she almost winces, but she's distracted by her determination to rid him of this useless layer of clothing.

Completely and utterly oblivious to the rest of the ship, she doesn't notice Bodhi's awkward shuffling or Chirrut's giant, silent grin, or Baze's soft huff of a cough. She notices approximately nothing but Cassian Andor.

[evasives]

He does approximately nothing to stop her from sliding his jacket off, even though he's aware in the back of his mind they are not alone in the slightest. But she squirms and whimpers and it only urges him on.

His fingers slide further up her shirt and splay over her back while she gets the sleeve off his other arm; he's glad it's just the jacket she's trying to rid him off because it means he doesn't have to stop kissing her. His free hand unbuttons the top of her vest, but he only gets about two down before they're interrupted.

K2 seems to finally realize something is going on by the awkwardness of the Jedha natives. He clamors out of the cockpit and clangs towards them to see what's wrong, and only then does he notice what Cassian seems to be getting up to buried in the back of the ship.

The droid immediately stomps in closer. "Cassian! What is going on here? What are you doing?" He sounds so utterly aghast and offended, but also maybe concerned.

Cassian freezes, mouth barely a centimeter from hers and his hands still pressed against her. Panic creeps in slowly, tempering his urgency.

[realists]

"No." It's a plaintive whisper, even though her hands automatically draw back from him like K2 is an angry father with a blaster and she's brought his only child home late for curfew. It's roughly the same, probably, Cassian is K2's human. She abruptly drops off her tiptoes, looking up at Cassian with stormy eyes, full of loss already even though he's still holding her.

"I--" She closes her mouth before she finishes whatever she was going to say, backtracking and starting over. "I shouldn't have..."

She swallows down every apology that wants to spill off her tongue because she's not sorry. She's not sorry at all for kissing him even though she had absolutely no right. Being with him feels like coming home.

[evasives]

He hears her no and it makes him kiss her again. He doesn't, if only because he can see K2's shadow looming behind them. He wouldn't put it past his droid right now to physically remove him.

Jyn steps back but doesn't look away. She doesn't apologize either, and he can't decide if he wants her to. Cassian is still lost, trying to figure out what Jyn's behavior means because it doesn't make sense. Looking at her now it's very clear she didn't want to stop, but she left him in the first place -

He pulls his hands back and ignores how he misses touching her already. It's too much. "I shouldn't have either." It almost sounds like he's scolding himself.

"This makes no sense!"

Cassian hisses out an order, harshly. "Go back to the cockpit, K."

[realists]

She's cold without Cassian's arms around her. Physically she knows there has been no actual change in the temperature, but she feels like they're back on Jedha, surrounded by cold air and loss.

The harsh tone makes Jyn flinch, even if it isn't directed at her. K2 doesn't particularly deserve Cassian's ire, it should be directed at her.

"Cassian..." What. What can she even say.

[evasives]

K2 hesitates, eyes whirring like he's zooming in, but he ultimately listens to Cassian, turning around with what can only be described as a huff.

He looks back to Jyn and tries to keep his face as blank as possible. It doesn't work. She says his name and his eyes close, expression almost pinched because it hurts, a lot, and all he wants to do is shut off his emotions.

He starts to. His features slowly settle into something more neutral and he finally opens his eyes. His shoulders are still lined with a quiet tension, but he's getting there. His tone is flat, a soldier's voice, with only the tiniest hint of how much this is effecting him. "We can't do that again."

[realists]

Her shoulders sag in defeat but she forces her chin to tip up, a play act of strength that doesn't begin to hit the mark. Her lips purse as she swallows back the lump that settles in her throat again. He's right, they can't do that again, they shouldn't have done that in the first place, she shouldn't have done that.

But, "I don't regret it."

Even if he obviously does. She can't blame him, she's made so many mistakes he's probably just waiting for her to make the next one that will blow up in both their faces.

"You should get something to eat." It's what he suggested in the first place.

[evasives]

She breaks through again, and confusion flashes on his face. Even if for some reason it was true, she still left him and he spent those years mending the pieces. K2 was right. This doesn't make sense. They still have to get to Eadu, figure out the Death Star - he doesn't have time to think about it.

"I don't understand what you want from me." It's not an invitation for her to answer him. His tone is more conclusive, like he's pulling himself away from the conversation - which he is. If they talk about anything, he's certainly not going to do it with four eavesdroppers.

Cassian takes another few steps away. "I'm checking on our course. There are rations, enough for everyone."

[realists]

Jyn almost lets him go, she almost has some dignity and lets him move on, but she can't. Saw had taught her to fight for the rebellion, to take every chance that came because it might be the last chance, the only chance. He'd left her and she'd let it seep into her, letting it poison her hope until she'd left Cassian all the same.

It's different now. She's different now. Saw had stood his ground until the very last, her father had lied to spare her from growing up as a pawn, damn if she is going to let every sacrifice they made be for nothing.

Her hand snaps out to curl around his wrist, tighter and colder than any shackles she had in prison and she's always had a freakishly strong grip, especially for a girl. She doesn't care about anyone listening, they'd been there when the two of them were making out, fighting would probably be easier to block out, honestly. Maybe it's another case where K2 is a better friend than her because he lets it go when Cassian asks, but Jyn can't. This could be her only chance.

"You. I want you, Cassian." Her voice cracks and it's the only thing betraying how nervous she is, straightening up, shoulders back, ignoring any and all weaknesses. "I want a second chance, I want to be able to make up for hurting you and to spend every day proving to you that the scared, idiot girl who ran away from you isn't who I am anymore. I want to be happy again and I am with you, I always have been. I know I ruined us, I know I hurt you because I was selfish and self-centered." Her hand abruptly releases his wrist, stepping back. "I don't deserve your trust or your faith, but even when you give my necklace back, I'm not leaving unless you tell me to. I'm not going anywhere, not anymore. I know it's just words, but I'm going to prove it, every single day."

[evasives]

Cassian freezes when she grabs his wrist. It's tight and strong and he knows he could probably pull out of it if he fought her, but the words that follow keep him trapped in place even more than her grip.

His gaze is locked onto her face, and every part of him wants to tell her to stop, but he's drawn in anyway as she goes on. It's lucky, he thinks, that he'd already turned himself off because otherwise it would probably rip his chest open.

She can't want him. He wants her to want him, because there's always been a part of him that's missed her and wanted her back so badly. When she lets him go, his feet carry him backwards a few steps, and the only sign of emotion on his face is the crease of his eyebrows and lost unhappy frown.

He doesn't know what to say. He closes his eyes again and tries to pretend they're the only ones on the ship. It's too much to process and Eadu awaits them; maybe it's cowardly, but he doesn't say anything at all. He just takes another few steps backwards and makes a beeline for the cockpit, ignoring the (supposedly) subtle stares everyone gives him as he goes.