ohnofeelstho | i am glad it cannot happen twice, the fever of first love. for it is a fever, and a burden, too

♪ satellite -- guster feat. the guster string players

The Alliance had rescued her from prison and she supposes she should have been grateful but she'd felt a certain kind of glee when she'd heard the crunch of Melshi's ribs under the shovel she'd swung at him. She knew the second he stepped into view that they were Alliance and they were here for her, however clearly unsanctioned, but that didn't mean she was going to go without a fight. If he couldn't come rescue her his damn self...

It's been four years since she ran away from the Alliance. There was always too many questions: about Saw and Steela Gerrera -- as if she was old enough to answer anything about Steela Gerrera, about Jyn herself, about why she was left behind by the Partisans. She didn't fit in with the Alliance and their stupid little soldier got too close and she ran because she was terrified he would leave her. She ran and changed her name and changed it again and changed it again and forgot that he knew all her aliases and habits and tells. Of course he would find her.

Now she's back with the Alliance and no one will tell her why and no one will tell her where the hell Cassian Jeron Andor is, but they are all sure to tell her that he's a Captain now -- youngest in the Alliance! -- and she should address him as such.

Her middle finger gets tired from being used so much.

Her fists, still shackled, slam against the table. "I'm a prisoner of the Empire, you don't have any right to keep me here against my will!" Maybe she's yelling to no one, but she is positive there is someone outside listening to her so they can relay any information to their captain. He did like knowing things, though she is surprised he is letting them keep her in chains when he knows how much she hates the feeling. Maybe it's an oversight. Maybe he's changed. "Let me out of here!"

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She breaks through again, and confusion flashes on his face. Even if for some reason it was true, she still left him and he spent those years mending the pieces. K2 was right. This doesn't make sense. They still have to get to Eadu, figure out the Death Star - he doesn't have time to think about it.

"I don't understand what you want from me." It's not an invitation for her to answer him. His tone is more conclusive, like he's pulling himself away from the conversation - which he is. If they talk about anything, he's certainly not going to do it with four eavesdroppers.

Cassian takes another few steps away. "I'm checking on our course. There are rations, enough for everyone."

Jyn almost lets him go, she almost has some dignity and lets him move on, but she can't. Saw had taught her to fight for the rebellion, to take every chance that came because it might be the last chance, the only chance. He'd left her and she'd let it seep into her, letting it poison her hope until she'd left Cassian all the same.

It's different now. She's different now. Saw had stood his ground until the very last, her father had lied to spare her from growing up as a pawn, damn if she is going to let every sacrifice they made be for nothing.

Her hand snaps out to curl around his wrist, tighter and colder than any shackles she had in prison and she's always had a freakishly strong grip, especially for a girl. She doesn't care about anyone listening, they'd been there when the two of them were making out, fighting would probably be easier to block out, honestly. Maybe it's another case where K2 is a better friend than her because he lets it go when Cassian asks, but Jyn can't. This could be her only chance.

"You. I want you, Cassian." Her voice cracks and it's the only thing betraying how nervous she is, straightening up, shoulders back, ignoring any and all weaknesses. "I want a second chance, I want to be able to make up for hurting you and to spend every day proving to you that the scared, idiot girl who ran away from you isn't who I am anymore. I want to be happy again and I am with you, I always have been. I know I ruined us, I know I hurt you because I was selfish and self-centered." Her hand abruptly releases his wrist, stepping back. "I don't deserve your trust or your faith, but even when you give my necklace back, I'm not leaving unless you tell me to. I'm not going anywhere, not anymore. I know it's just words, but I'm going to prove it, every single day."

Cassian freezes when she grabs his wrist. It's tight and strong and he knows he could probably pull out of it if he fought her, but the words that follow keep him trapped in place even more than her grip.

His gaze is locked onto her face, and every part of him wants to tell her to stop, but he's drawn in anyway as she goes on. It's lucky, he thinks, that he'd already turned himself off because otherwise it would probably rip his chest open.

She can't want him. He wants her to want him, because there's always been a part of him that's missed her and wanted her back so badly. When she lets him go, his feet carry him backwards a few steps, and the only sign of emotion on his face is the crease of his eyebrows and lost unhappy frown.

He doesn't know what to say. He closes his eyes again and tries to pretend they're the only ones on the ship. It's too much to process and Eadu awaits them; maybe it's cowardly, but he doesn't say anything at all. He just takes another few steps backwards and makes a beeline for the cockpit, ignoring the (supposedly) subtle stares everyone gives him as he goes.

Jyn breathes out a slow breath when he disappears into the cockpit. She can just barely see him, watching the way he settles into his seat before she looks down at the floor. That was better than she expected, actually.

He didn't tell her to leave or fuck off, but she supposes he wouldn't until after they had her father. He wouldn't endanger the mission like that.

But hope flares in her chest and it keeps her grief at bay for the time being, enough that she can push herself to move. She is familiar enough with Alliance ships to know where to find most things and so she locates the rations and passes them out, silently giving one to K2 to pass to Cassian. She makes sure Bodhi drinks water, gives him her portion because who know when he last ate, she cleans the blood and dust off him with a weak smile and quiet, idle chatter about her father. She even allows Baze to clean the blood off her forehead, staying silent while Chirrut fills the space with cheerful anecdotes of Jedha.

It's not good, it was never going to be good, but it wasn't bad. She can hold on to that to get her through to Eadu.

She doesn't try to stop him, and no one really tries to talk to him about it. K2 looking over at him doesn't count, and he's grateful his droid is managing to keep his mouth shut. Mostly. There are a few moments where he starts to speak, but Cassian cuts him off and that's that.

Eadu arrives too fast and too slow, and the planet itself is a mad rush to accomplish the rescue of Galen Erso. Jyn doesn't listen, the guardians don't either, but fortunately Cassian is used to adapting.

And it works. It doesn't go exactly as planned, and the Alliance bombs the facility, but Cassian drags Galen's bleeding body on board Bodhi's stolen ship. It's a messy, hurried blur back to Yavin 4, which he's kind of grateful for. It lets him simply just be a rebel Captain, and it's a position that's easy to fall into, especially to avoid thinking about anything else.

To avoid thinking about Jyn.

c'est fini

i am glad it cannot happen twice, the fever of first love. for it is a fever, and a burden, too

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