i am glad it cannot happen twice, the fever of first love. for it is a fever, and a burden, too

[realists]

♪ satellite -- guster feat. the guster string players

The Alliance had rescued her from prison and she supposes she should have been grateful but she'd felt a certain kind of glee when she'd heard the crunch of Melshi's ribs under the shovel she'd swung at him. She knew the second he stepped into view that they were Alliance and they were here for her, however clearly unsanctioned, but that didn't mean she was going to go without a fight. If he couldn't come rescue her his damn self...

It's been four years since she ran away from the Alliance. There was always too many questions: about Saw and Steela Gerrera -- as if she was old enough to answer anything about Steela Gerrera, about Jyn herself, about why she was left behind by the Partisans. She didn't fit in with the Alliance and their stupid little soldier got too close and she ran because she was terrified he would leave her. She ran and changed her name and changed it again and changed it again and forgot that he knew all her aliases and habits and tells. Of course he would find her.

Now she's back with the Alliance and no one will tell her why and no one will tell her where the hell Cassian Jeron Andor is, but they are all sure to tell her that he's a Captain now -- youngest in the Alliance! -- and she should address him as such.

Her middle finger gets tired from being used so much.

Her fists, still shackled, slam against the table. "I'm a prisoner of the Empire, you don't have any right to keep me here against my will!" Maybe she's yelling to no one, but she is positive there is someone outside listening to her so they can relay any information to their captain. He did like knowing things, though she is surprised he is letting them keep her in chains when he knows how much she hates the feeling. Maybe it's an oversight. Maybe he's changed. "Let me out of here!"

Comments

[evasives]

Cassian really should not have done this. He's a Captain, and every single person he's pulled into this unauthorized mission is subject to reprimand, but that just makes him all the more determined to succeed; he approached them all, but they all volunteered. He's not interested in killing Galen Erso like Draven wants. He wants to find him and find the pilot, and he tells himself it has nothing to do with Jyn, but Cassian's ability to lie even to himself has gotten better over the years.

He hears her before he sees her. He hasn't heard her voice in years, but the tone is just as angry as he remembers, which oddly enough, helps to steel him. Four years is a long time, and while she's always half lingered in his head, Cassian threw himself into the Rebellion in the face of it, and that's no different now.

One of the agents on the rescue gives him a slightly unsure look, clearly wondering how someone so hostile is going to be any use. "She's not gonna break anymore bones, is she? How are we gonna explain Melshi to the medbay?"

"If we are going to find Galen Erso and keep him alive, we need that pilot on Jedha, and we need his daughter to do it. She won't break anymore bones if she can't use her hands."

Sorry, Jyn, maybe it is a little bit of a change. The mission is first. The missions always come first. He'll uncuff her once he's sure she won't hurt any more of his team.

When he finally slips into the room, his face is utterly empty of any sort of expression, save the stern gaze of a Rebel Alliance Captain. He'd like to leave this to someone else, but he knows it'd be a waste of time. His arms are crossed and he shows no signs of recognition, outside maybe being a little more stiff in the shoulders than usual - but that could come with four more years of death and violence. She wouldn't know, is the bitter thought that follows. "Should we just drop you back off to waste away at Wobani then?"

[realists]

"I'd prefer it to this," she snaps immediately, shaking the handcuffs at him even though she knows he is fully aware of what she's talking about. Mad is easier to be than shocked that he grew up. He has stubble now when he could barely grow it before, he looks like a man instead of the boy she was in love with. "I'd rather die in prison than go through this again or did Melshi not mention I didn't ask for this sham of a rescue? Is this what your Alliance does now? Trade one prison for another but call it a rescue? Least they were honest on Wobani."

Twenty years for a bullshit crime, it was her own fault. With any luck Kennel would have murdered her in her sleep, but she would have died in there anyway. The Wobani guards were fond of discipline. Now she doesn't have the chance to find out how she dies because she's stuck here.

With Cassian. Who looks like he doesn't even remember her. "What do you want with me? I still can't tell you anything about Saw, I never could."

[evasives]

"You broke my man's ribs. You're being held like this as a safety precaution, not because we're trading your jail for a new one."

Cassian was prepared for angry. The entire time he knew Jyn she was an active volcano, and he isn't surprised she hasn't gone dormant. It's easier to deal with the way she hurls it at him than anything else. She looks harder, but the galaxy likes to weigh down on everyone, especially someone like her. Her cheeks aren't quite so baby-faced anymore.

"Of course you did not ask for it. Since you are so insistent, maybe we'll work on a plan to bring you back when we're finished."

He keeps away from the table, like he's too afraid to get any closer to her, but he's not scared so much as avoiding. The distance can stay. "We've received intelligence related to your father and require your help. Don't worry, if the galaxy was not at stake, we would have left you alone like you so clearly want."

Whoops, that was too much. "The Alliance is still fighting against the Empire. I know you like to pretend our imperfections are unforgivable, so let's just skip how much you despise it for now. The sooner you agree to keep your hands off my team, the sooner your hands will be released. You are not a hostage unless you make yourself one. I fully intend to explain the situation. Like I said, we need your assistance."

[realists]

He's still talking but all the fight drains out of her and he's halfway through his little speech when she slumps down in the chair, hands falling heavily into her lap. It's clear he doesn't want her there, she knew that, she'd been expecting that. She was the one that left. She left him so that he couldn't leave her when he realized there was nothing good about her at all. He wouldn't have been the first to abandon her and they couldn't all be wrong so she took the possibility of it out of play. Mitigated her own loss by carving that piece of her heart out all on her own.

There's no heart left but something flares to life inside her chest.

Her father.

"My father is dead." She'd told him that. She'd also told him that's what she chose to believe because the only other option was that he'd abandoned her and she couldn't bear that. So her father had died the day she watched her mother murdered in front of her and she packed them both away into neat little boxes. Saw's box was stacked next to them eventually and then she had added Cassian. Now her father's box has tipped off the pile and exploded open, spilling memories like blood.

[evasives]

He takes the tiniest sliver of satisfaction in the way Jyn slumps, even knowing his little speech was probably too much. She stole any choice he might have wanted when she fled, and he never got a real chance to fight back.

"No. Evidence points to the contrary."

Four years ago he might have handled this with care, but Cassian just keeps thinking about the mission, because he doesn't want to think about how much it hurt him when she left. He's usually good at that, but it's more difficult when she's sitting right in front of him.

The only consistent thing in his life has been rebellion. It's come in all forms, from terrorist cells, to anarchist cells, to the Alliance. He is the youngest Captain in the Rebellion because he devoted himself to the only thing he knows how to do. It's all he's good at. It's probably all he's good for. It's what makes continuing on about his unsanctioned mission easy in the face of how lonely Jyn sits.

"A pilot has defected from the Empire, bringing with him information about a superweapon your father has been involved with. We have reason to believe this pilot is currently on Jedha, with Saw Gerrera. That's where you come in."

[realists]

She shakes her head, tries to will him to stop talking even though she knows he won't until he has finished what he is supposed to say. She realizes belatedly this must be what is going to stand for her briefing. He is briefing her like she is already a part of this mission, a foregone conclusion, and her stomach twists uncomfortably knowing she's going to fail him again.

He's done well for himself though, she's made the right choice. She ruined everything she touched, he would have been no different.

"Saw doesn't want me, remember?" He should, he found her. "I can't help you, whatever you think I can offer -- I can't." Not won't, although her willingness is obviously it's own debate, but can't. Whatever she had done -- of course it was something she'd done -- had warranted Saw leaving her behind when she was only sixteen, it's not as if he'll have been waiting for her return with bated breath.

"I'm sorry, Captain, but I'm-- I can't help you."

[evasives]

He doesn't soften, as much as the temptation is there with the way she seemingly starts to crumble a little. He maybe could have handled it better, but Cassian is too aware of the time constraints hanging above his head - not just for the weapon, but for Draven to figure out what he's done.

"Saw Gerrera will not welcome a handful of Alliance Rebels showing up out of the blue. Our ties are not on the best terms. What we need from you is an introduction. We need you to take us to Saw's rebels, because we need that pilot and the information he has, and if you are with us, Gerrera may not break into immediate hostilities."

He hesitates for a moment, trying to figure out how much is okay to tell an outsider versus how much he wants to tell Jyn. She's struggling, it startles him that he can still tell, and that scares him in return. Practice in keeping a neutral posture proves its worth.

"If you do not want your father killed, your cooperation is not just useful - it may be necessary."

[realists]

Her head snaps up from staring at the table. It's not a threat, she doesn't think, it's something else. As fruitless as she thinks this will prove, her head jerks in a nod. He should have opened with the not-quite-a-threat, but maybe he thought that would be cruel.

"Alright."

She stands up again, awkward with her hands still restrained, but she doesn't demand he release her again. There doesn't seem to be a point. Saw taught her to fight like this anyway. Any hindrance to her movement was evened out by giving her a bludgeoning weapon built right in. Especially handy on Storm Troopers or body armor she'd likely break her hands against.

"Ready when you are. Captain."

[evasives]

He doesn't know whether or not to trust her agreement. It's a heavy spot to throw her in: both her father and father figures, brought back into her life quite suddenly. And - him, he supposes. Cassian doesn't put much stock in how heavily he might be effecting her, considering she left in the first place, but the triple threat of it can't be easy.

"Jedha will be a small mission. No more than four people, yourself and me included. We are not looking to for a fight."

Cassian pauses, still holding himself strictly as a Captain. It's not enough to just tell her that her father is alive; he needs to give her more reason to stay with the mission and not fuck off the second she sees a chance. She could have the chance to see him again, and he absolutely uses that. "The ultimate end goal is to find the location of Galen Erso. The defector pilot holds the key to that."

The real part of finding Galen Erso is related to the superweapon, but it's better to avoid phrasing it that way to Jyn. She may figure it out on her own, but he probably has a little bit of time while she's likely more focused on her father for now.

[realists]

"Stop--!" She abruptly snaps her mouth shut when she realizes she's shouted, hands curling into fists in front of her. She hates her own seemingly constant shows of weakness, but she'd always been more open with Cassian than with anyone else. Looks like it hasn't changed, even when she's fighting it tooth and nail. "Stop talking about my-- stop talking about them."

Her teeth grind together, jaw tensing as she tries to struggle back to even footing. "I've got it, okay? Get the pilot, get out, don't start shit with the Partisans. I've done this before, I know the deal."

And she's the only one who has worked with both the Alliance and the Partisans. She doesn't think it's going to end without a fight, but she keeps that to herself. She doesn't need to say I told you so later. She doubts Cassian will want to talk to her after, anyway. One and done is how she is expecting this to go and she couldn't even blame him for it. She'd taken the blame already.

[evasives]

He freezes for a moment, some part of him recognizing the display as the rare outburst that it is, trying to pretend it doesn't remind him of before. He tilts himself sideways, so as to not be standing directly in her line of sight anymore.

"You needed to understand the gravity of the situation. They are the mission, they're going to come up again."

He taps his fingers against his arm, giving himself a moment. If it gives her a moment too, he doesn't care. He doesn't. "We leave in two hours. Are you going to break anymore of my team's bones, or are you ready to be uncuffed?"

[realists]

"Would you even believe me if I said I'd play nicely?"

It's... a fair question. Especially since she doesn't intend on apologizing to Melshi. Honestly, they should have expected that when they'd decided to break into prison transport and grab her.

She pauses a beat, turning toward him, hint of humor lighting in her wild eyes. "I really broke something?"

[evasives]

"No, not entirely. That's why K2 is coming with us."

Is he being serious?? Or joking?? It's literally impossible to tell on the upfront. But the reality is - no, he isn't sure. He has already taken precautions against her cutting it and leaving him high and dry, again. It's just easier if she's free of restraints; he doesn't want fighting, but it doesn't mean he won't expect it.

Cassian would have trusted Jyn with his life back in the day, but now it's back to only trusting K2. It's probably a little sad, but he's still alive.

There's no humor in his face when he looks back at her. "Fractured rib. There are no bacta tanks here."

[realists]

She allows herself to be smug for half a second. Melshi has a least a foot on her and something like twenty kilos and she broke his rib. She'd taken out a pair of storm troopers when she was arrested, but that isn't the same as a rebel soldier. Storm troopers had easy to identify weaknesses in the black spots of their armor. She'd just swung at Melshi and hoped her aim was true. They can tape him up, he'll be fine. She makes a mental note to steal stimshots from Saw.

The droid is just a subject she is going to ignore entirely. He hadn't liked her to begin with, now... she wouldn't be surprised if his hate surpassed Cassian's. If only because Cassian seems indifferent.

Which is worse.

"Just take me to the ship to wait." It's not like she needs the two hours to say goodbye to her friends or gather her things. She doesn't have friends and she doesn't have things, she gave up both when she left, she doesn't have anything except her mother's crystal burning hot enough against her chest that she fights the urge to pull it free.

[evasives]

In reality he knows Melshi will be fine. They may not have bacta tanks, but they have patches, and one excellent medic on the tiny little base he's made for himself on the outpost here. He's more annoyed Melshi won't be able to come to Jedha, having definitely been his top choice for the final party.

"No." The ship isn't completely ready, and maybe he's still a little paranoid she might steal it and flee. He is going to constantly concerned about her disappearing on this mission. "You can wait in the mess hall, though don't expect much beyond simple rations. Or there's a room near the hangar, if you need to rest before we go. Someone will get you when it's time."

The picture of indifference is easy when it's a lie, because lying is easy.

[realists]

"I'm not hungry." She doesn't care where she waits, the ship seemed the easiest place to her but some random room works just as well. It's irrelevant anyway, she can wait anywhere.

She doesn't ask to be uncuffed again because she can tell he'd prefer it this way. It's uncomfortable but ultimately also irrelevant and given time she could break free of them on her own. Maybe if she playacts the accommodating prisoner they can get this over with and she can find Saw and her father and then they can all leave her at once and it'll be fine, it'll be perfectly fine. It doesn't matter that she left Cassian, she knows it's only time before he returns the favor. It's not like he wants her there, that much is crystal clear.

"I have to pee. Can you take me to a bathroom first?"

[evasives]

His response is delayed and only a quick nod. He doesn't even say anything else before he leaves the room, holding the door open in his wake for her to walk out in front of him.

He's so antsy, feeling glad for the two hours before they leave. It feels like he needs recuperation from a mission, and he hadn't even gone to Wobani with the rescue party. Cassian thought he was ready to deal with Jyn again, but it's unsettling more than he'd anticipated. It's been four years. She doesn't care. Why should he?

"There's a bathroom just outside the hangar, with a refresher."

[realists]

"Okay."

It's her default answer still, as she follows him. She's careful to keep space between them, shoulders hunched with her hands gripped together in front of her, but not enough space that it looks like she's falling behind and not too little that it feels like she's about to overtake him and run off. It's carefully calculated space and she can still smell his soap and it makes her chest ache enough that her hands lift finally to curl around her mother's necklace.

She tries to occupy her mind with imagining ways to disable him if he were Melshi because she still can't imagine hurting Cassian, even to distract herself.

[evasives]

Cassian calculates his own space between them, taking care to keep her in his sights. With anyone else, he might escort them by arm, but he can't bring himself to touch her, so instead he just walks next to her. Not directly - there's about a foot, born out of both of them keeping their distance. He watches her hands when they move, the flash of cuffs around her wrists vaguely uncomfortable.

So he doesn't think about Jyn, he runs through the mission specs, for the millionth time. He already knows them by heart, has meticulously planned as best he possibly can, but it's still better than remembering what it's like when Jyn smiles.

It's through the heavy silence they walk, taking only about two minutes at most to reach the empty room, even though it feels like far longer. He gestures at the door across from it.

"Bathroom." There's a pause. "You should sleep now, while you can."

[realists]

"Okay." Her head bobs in a nod, unruly bangs falling into her eyes before she moves to the door. Her plan is as follows: pee, maybe throw up if the mood strikes her, sit quietly in the dark and try not to cry. It's a good solid plan and surely won't end in red rimmed eyes and streaks of eyeliner down her cheeks.

[evasives]

He should leave her now, because there is nothing that would dictate his staying. He brought her here, he has things to do to prepare, and even though his body is telling him to move, his legs are glued to the spot.

His gaze drops to her hands, and Cassian considers the handcuffs again. He mulls over the base and the likelihood of her escape, and if he's honest with himself, the odds are the same whether or not she has bound hands.

"Do you want them gone or not?" he asks, before someone can tell him he's being stupid. He's been away from command long enough that he's sure K2 is already on his way to look for him. This isn't sentimentality; it's practicality. If the mission is going to go well, Jyn needs to be in the best condition possible in the next two hours. Right.

[realists]

She waffles, fidgeting because she really does have to pee, that wasn't just some excuse to move. She's had to use the bathroom since they shoved her in that room and told her to wait.

She's not going to sleep and even though her wrists hurt a little it's a far cry from how she'd feel at the end of the day on Wobani so she feels fine, if not viscerally uncomfortable to be restrained still. It's not that she doesn't want out of them immediately, but she also doesn't want Cassian thinking she's going to fuck off before the mission he'd basically forced her into.

Something about trust.

"I'm fine."

[evasives]

He feels prickly for reasons he can't identify, which is probably a sign he really needs to leave. He breathes in a silent sigh before nodding curtly at her.

She's not fine, but the cuffs are probably not the reason why. He's not fine either, but at least there are no signs of it. He hopes.

"Then I'll see you in two hours."

Cassian turns, leaving her alone and hoping it's not a mistake as he starts to walk away. He needs to check on Melshi. He needs to intercept K2. He needs to finalize the last bit of the mission. One step at a time.

[realists]

She wasn't going to sleep.

She was going to sit quietly in the dark and torture herself wondering if Cassian had a new partner and if so were they pretty. They're pretty, she decides, maneuvering the bathroom awkwardly. Pretty and delicate and kind and sweet with smooth skin like caramel and glossy hair cut by someone paid to do it and not rusty sheers when it's gotten too long and bothersome. This person she invents in her head has class and education and a family that welcomes Cassian with open arms and sends him back to base with leftovers and hugs. A medic or a doctor, someone who heals and comforts instead of hurts, someone with ethics and morals that people look at and say "what a good person".

Someone who stays.

It's not until she's alone in the dark room that the sobs overtake her and she collapses in on herself like a terribly constructed flan. It's too much. Her father and Cassian and Saw and Cassian, so many open wounds she pretended were closed but were just festering with gangrene and now she has to face it all at once and she can't cope. She cries for what feels like hours until she cries herself straight to sleep, eyeliner down her splotchy cheeks, eyes red and puffy, nose like Rudolph. Her tears soak the pillow that she tips over into and she just... passes out, arms crushed uncomfortably beneath her.

[evasives]

Cassian makes it around the corner before he ducks into an alcove and scrubs a hand down his face. He keeps his hand over his mouth, breathing sharply through his nose as the facade of impassivity collapses around him.

He hates that this is necessary. Selfishly for himself, but also for the fact that Jyn is hardly having the time of it either. But the Rebellion comes first, so he dragged her in anyway.

He ignores that if he truly followed that logic, he wouldn't be sitting here on a renegade mission and would instead be on his way prepared to assassinate the not-so-fatherly scientist. The alcove is quiet, and Cassian gives himself a few long moments to collect himself, to rebury everything that dared to try and bubble to the surface.

Then it's back to it. He slips back into being a Captain and immediately focuses on the mission at hand, running through all the final stages of prep and avoiding Jyn as long as possible. If he doesn't think about it, he doesn't have to deal with it, and that's obviously the best way forward, especially since he'll be with her from here on out until they find Galen Erso.

When he does finally make his way back to Jyn, he finds K2 standing in the doorway. "What are you doing." His voice is flat but quiet, a subtle warning he suspects will go over the droid's head anyway.

"She is sleeping." And K2 is loud, tipped with the tiniest inflection. "Aren't we leaving soon?"