i am glad it cannot happen twice, the fever of first love. for it is a fever, and a burden, too

[realists]

♪ satellite -- guster feat. the guster string players

The Alliance had rescued her from prison and she supposes she should have been grateful but she'd felt a certain kind of glee when she'd heard the crunch of Melshi's ribs under the shovel she'd swung at him. She knew the second he stepped into view that they were Alliance and they were here for her, however clearly unsanctioned, but that didn't mean she was going to go without a fight. If he couldn't come rescue her his damn self...

It's been four years since she ran away from the Alliance. There was always too many questions: about Saw and Steela Gerrera -- as if she was old enough to answer anything about Steela Gerrera, about Jyn herself, about why she was left behind by the Partisans. She didn't fit in with the Alliance and their stupid little soldier got too close and she ran because she was terrified he would leave her. She ran and changed her name and changed it again and changed it again and forgot that he knew all her aliases and habits and tells. Of course he would find her.

Now she's back with the Alliance and no one will tell her why and no one will tell her where the hell Cassian Jeron Andor is, but they are all sure to tell her that he's a Captain now -- youngest in the Alliance! -- and she should address him as such.

Her middle finger gets tired from being used so much.

Her fists, still shackled, slam against the table. "I'm a prisoner of the Empire, you don't have any right to keep me here against my will!" Maybe she's yelling to no one, but she is positive there is someone outside listening to her so they can relay any information to their captain. He did like knowing things, though she is surprised he is letting them keep her in chains when he knows how much she hates the feeling. Maybe it's an oversight. Maybe he's changed. "Let me out of here!"

Comments

[realists]

"I don't think you're stupid." Such a minor thing to clarify but it comes out before she even realizes and then she just feels, well, stupid.

As if her minor outburst hadn't even happened, she continues, clasping her uncuffed hands behind her as if keeping them away from him. In case he changes his mind.

"Alright." She doesn't mention that if he floats her name to a bunch of rebels currently skirmishing with Imperials and currently holding an Imperial pilot who has information about her father and weapon that kills planets, they might be inclined to shoot first and ask questions later, regardless of Saw's long ago affection for her. He's probably already planned for that. Maybe she is just an acceptable loss. "So we're walking into a war zone. Got it."

[evasives]

He opens his mouth, then closes it, the only bit of a hint that he's surprised to hear her say it so defensively. She's not supposed to be that way with him. She left.

But she ignores it, so naturally he does the same. He is trying to ignore a lot of things about Jyn Erso today, and he really hopes he doesn't reach a limit.

Saw abandoned Jyn, and Cassian saw firsthand what it did to her. It hasn't been long enough that she'd be unrecognizable to him, so Cassian has to hope that should her name get back to Saw, at the very least the Rebel leader would be curious - whether he trusts Jyn to be real or not is another story.

"A war zone we will not participate in unless absolutely necessary. The woman I hope to speak to is one of Saw's Rebels, a very distant tie. She will offer a better word of the exact nature of the situation before we decide how to proceed."

It's all very clinical sounding.

[realists]

There's that we again, like they're a team.

"We can't bring him." She jerks her head toward the cockpit. Unnecessary considering there's only three people on the ship anyway and she's certainly not talking about Cassian himself. "If they're fighting with Imperials he'll be a target before he can try to talk himself out of it and he obviously hasn't learned tact, yet."

She can insult and wish to protect at the same time.

[evasives]

"K2 was always going to stay with the ship."

That's why Melshi was supposed to come too, to be a buffer between him and Jyn just as much as having a third member to this party. There were other operatives capable, but none of them volunteered for this part - and Cassian wasn't about to order them to on an unsanctioned mission. Wherever they go is their choice, not his.

He is also very aware of Jyn's reasoning re: K2, and it's part of why K2 was never going to go. Cassian is not going to linger on the fact that they both had the same thought process. He loves his droid, but K2 doesn't know the meaning of subtle.

"I don't like that plan at all. Letting you go alone with Jyn is a bad idea. A very bad idea."

Cassian doesn't miss a beat. "And if you do not stay in the ship, what are our chances of a quick getaway?"

"33%."

"Exactly."

[realists]

As unable to help herself as before, Jyn blurts out, "I'd never let him get injured, K2."

Splitting hairs there because she'd let him get hurt, she'd probably hurt him herself when she'd left -- K2 said he was unhappy and that is enough to know she did some damage even if he doesn't seem to care now past her being a flight risk -- but she would never ever let him be physically injured, even if it meant she took the injury herself.

That is just facts.

[evasives]

Her outburst hangs in the air with only the hum of the ship echoing back to her. Cassian stares at her, with only the faintest trace of something uncomprehending. She sounds earnest and honest and he has no reason to disbelieve her - it just doesn't make any sense. She doesn't care about him.

But there's a difference between injury and hurt. It's not like he'd want her to be injured either.

"Insufficient data for analysis. I cannot confirm or deny if she is being facetious."

He looks away from her, because he doesn't want her to see the way his eyebrows scrunch together. He doesn't want to believe it because then it means she does still care for him, even a little bit. He doesn't want to deal with that.

"My concern is YOU hurting him, Jyn Erso. I am very aware humans can suffer injuries without physical manifestations."

Cassian stiffens and very briefly contemplates turning K2 off. "K2. Leave it."

[realists]

"No, Cassian, let him." It's almost a request, almost a plea. She'd prefer K2's intellectual summary of her failings as a human being to be jumbling around in her brain than the sudden realization that that was the first time she's said his first name in four years and it still rolls off her tongue like the most natural thing in the world.

She swallows past her own confusion and disquiet.

"What else could I possibly do that's worse than what I've already done?" Her voice wavers a little and she hates it but he didn't tell her to leave it and she probably wouldn't have anyway. She's always been terrible at taking orders.

[evasives]

It's the first time he's heard her say his name in years and he hates how it shoots straight through him. He tries not to think about all the other ways she said it, especially the ones that made him smile.

"Unlike you, I actually care about what Cassian feels, so I'm going to listen to him, because he is my reprogrammer and you are not."

It's a strange announcement of loyalty, and if Cassian wasn't feeling so overwhelmed and caught right now, he'd take a moment to appreciate his droid. And maybe strangle him, because it's just like K2 to shut up after making things awkward in the first place.

Cassian turns back to look at Jyn, and he looks exhausted quite suddenly, like four years of burying her in the sand has been washed away with disregard to his effort. "If you think you are the only one having a hard time with this, then I don't know what to tell you. I am trying to do my job. I'm not going to list off what I went through when you left so you can take the ammo to feel sorry for yourself. My feelings belong to me, not you and not K2."

[realists]

"I don't feel sorry for myself." In that she hates herself too much to even fathom pitying herself, at least about this. Especially since she still thinks she made the right choice. The only problem now is that she was meant to stay gone and he fouled up that part of her plan.

Her lips purse, expression looking pinched as she finds her way back to her seat and sits down, finding the wall quite interesting to study. "Don't worry, Captain, I'll leave as soon as this is through. I don't want to cause you more pain."

[evasives]

a thread cut with a carving knife - stars

He purses his lips, trying desperately not to look at her, because he knows whatever expression on her face will be a temptation of some kind. He doesn't want to offer her comfort when his chest still feels like it's bleeding. "You don't get to use me for anything inside your head. You left."

The ship hums. Cassian wants to be on Jedha. He wants to pretend he doesn't go cold at the thought of her leaving all over again, even though he knew it'd be the case the moment Jyn Erso's name was floating in conjecture with finding her father. "I never expected you'd stay longer than that to begin with."

She leaves or stays and it's all going to hurt again in the end anyway, so he just needs to remember to suck it up and deal with it. K2 be damned.

[realists]

"I left so you wouldn't!"

Damn it. She's on her feet again, shaking with tension and yelling and she shouldn't be because he's right, she left. She has no right to be upset or defend herself but he's always known how to push her buttons without even trying and it's a fight she's had already in her head, but she was always on Cassian's side.

Being the one left behind broke her heart before she even knew what heartbreak felt like, the fact that she'd done the same thing to Cassian is just cruel but she won't take it back.

"You had potential to be something amazing, Cassian. And you are. Youngest captain in Alliance history. Do you know how many people told me that? Melshi told me and he was spitting blood. If I had stayed you would have spent your entire career making sure I didn't get into trouble or some rebel didn't say something about me because I was with Saw and my father's a traitor and you would have given up any chance of moving up and I know you wanted that. I left because one day you'd have to choose between me and the rebellion and I didn't want you to have to make that choice so I made it for you. And I'm not sorry because you're brilliant, Cassian, and you've always deserved more than me."

[evasives]

All things considered, it's not a surprise. He knew from the moment he'd met her how abandonment followed her like a shadow, how it influenced most of the decisions she'd made in the time after Saw.

"My successes are mine, and they are not yours to claim because you left." He doesn't raise his voice like she does; his tone is clipped and cool and collected even though his heart feels like it's thundering louder than his words. His body moves into her space, initially on instinct, but he doesn't fight it once he notices; he steps into it because he's angry, and it's the most he's let himself be angry about her in ages. It's like she's cutting him wide open again, and maybe this mission really was meant to fail.

"You don't get to assume I would have left when you stole any semblance of that choice from me. You don't get to cite your past as an excuse when all you did was do the same thing to me that you feared happening to you. Do you know how many people have stayed in my life? One. And I reprogrammed him."

K2 stays mercifully quiet. Cassian doesn't really think he deserves much of anything, if he's honest. He probably doesn't deserve to be happy at this point, no matter how happy Jyn did truly make him once upon a time. "I have made myself in this Rebellion through my own choices, not because you decided to leave. All it proved to me was that you didn't care what I wanted."

[realists]

"Of course I ca--" Her shout is cut off abruptly since he is right in front of her so she doesn't need to yell and, god, he's so tall and grown up her chin has to tip up more than she is used to to address him.

He hates her and she can't blame him. She hates her, too.

She tries again, mouth opening and shutting as she tries to work out how to apologize for doing to him what everyone had already done to her. She looks like an unhappy fish for a moment before she realizes that she can't, she has no right, she never has.

"You're right." Her voice drops to something reasonable, but it's still soaked in a thunderstorm of emotion. She never did learn the practiced neutrality he was so good at. "What I did to you was cruel and selfish and I dressed it up as selfless to make myself feel better. And now I'm taking credit for your accomplishments for the same reason."

[evasives]

She's shorter than he remembers, or maybe it's just that he's grown. It's not hard to fill in the blank of where she'd cut herself off, but Cassian has a very hard time imagining the world where Jyn cares about his wants and still left.

The worst part is how much he doesn't hate her. He tried. K2 tried to help too. But even with how angry and hurt he was by her running away, he could never manage to really hate her. In the face of everything she says now, he thinks he might even understand why much better - but being able to forgive her is out of reach.

Jyn is still like a wildfire. "If you're expecting me to argue, I can't." He closes his eyes for a moment. That urge to still reach out and comfort her is there, but he knows it'll only make it worse for him in the end when she leaves again. "People have hurt you, and no one ever said you needed to pretend otherwise. But instead of trying to do better you decided to hurt me instead."

It's strange how much lighter he feels to actually say so out loud. K2 guessed of course, but it's not like the droid was made for heart to hearts. Cassian is supposed to be solid, unbreakable, but four years ago she broke him and he hasn't patched himself back up fully yet.

[realists]

Without even realizing it, Jyn reaches out to curl her always cold fingers against his wrist. She notices a second later and draws her hand back immediately, taking a full step back and directly into the wall behind her.

"I'm sorry."

For leaving, for touching him, for existing in the first place, any of the myriad of things she should apologize for. Jyn doesn't apologize as a rule, even if it's something minor like bumping into someone else. They're just not words that come easily to her unapologetic nature. She can't even remember the last time she said the words, probably when she was a child trying to keep her Papa from working late still, an apology for being bad or reckless or unlovable or any reason he wouldn't want to come home.

Cassian deserves more and she still believes she knows better what he deserves because she still knows he doesn't think he deserves anything, that all he's done has dwindled what he deserves to nothing. Sadly, an apology is all she can offer.

[evasives]

His eyes dart down immediately to wear she touches him, and her fingers are freezing but it still feels like he's burning.

He looks away from her again, because he knows Jyn Erso doesn't apologize for anything, and he can hear in her tone that this one is so all encompassing he can't even pinpoint every part of it. It should mean something, and he wants it to, but she as good as said she was done again as soon as this was all over, and Cassian doesn't want to give in to any kind of optimism; the last time he tried that, it let him down.

The apology hangs in the silence between them, the seconds ticking on awkwardly as he struggles to figure out a good reply. He's beginning to think there isn't one.

He scrubs a hand down his face and turns around to face the cockpit, because he isn't sure he can keep his face as collected as it was before right now. He's rattled and feels more strongly than ever this was a bad idea, because he needs to be focused when they get to Jedha.

Jedha. He latches on to it. "There are extra clothes in the supply closet." He gestures vaguely at it. "Check for a coat."

[realists]

She nods even though he isn't looking at her and moves to rifle through the closet, pushing aside layers of clothes she recognizes by the scent of soap and deodorant and cologne to be all Cassian's. She'd made a habit of stealing his clothes before, looks like she's going to have to fall into it again.

She abandons her mission after only a few seconds, floppy hat in her hand when she turns around. Her voice is almost urgent in it's seriousness. "Captain, if there was something I could do to guarantee that I won't leave until you ask me to, would you... be amendable to that?"

[evasives]

He hadn't considered the fact that most of everything he keeps on this ship is his. Not all but enough that whatever she chooses stands a chance at belonging to him. It makes him remember the sight of her in his shirts.

Turning halfway, Cassian glances at her out of the corner of his eyes. "Did you have something in mind, or are you asking me if I do?"

It's not a yes, but it's not a no.

[realists]

Taking it as a yes, Jyn drops the hat and pulls her necklace free from her shirt. After a second, she reaches back to untie it, nails digging into the knot until it comes free and she slips it off her neck, holding it out to him by the leather cord.

Already she feels naked and exposed and vulnerable without it. She'd given up smuggling a weapon into Wobani in order to keep the crystal with her and she doesn't need to try to remember the last time she'd taken it off because she knows she never has, not since her mother tied it around her neck when she was eight and told her to trust in the Force.

Maybe that is what she is doing.

Cassian is the only person besides Saw to know the significance of the necklace, to know how important and priceless it is to her. She would never ever leave without it and she would fight tooth and nail to get it back. If Cassian has it, the odds of Jyn leaving of her own free will drop to zero.

"Take it. As long as you have it, I won't leave."

[evasives]

Cassian knows instantly what she's going to offer him as soon as her hands pull out the necklace. He's unable to stop watching as she unties it carefully, holding it out to him like the precious thing it is. Because he knows what the kyber crystal is to her, the last real tie to her mother and all that it encompasses.

It's absolutely terrifying that she offers it to him, not just because it means she's telling the truth about not leaving. It puts a lot of trust and faith in him to keep it safe, and it feels too important a gesture.

His hand is careful and slow when he reaches out to take it, like he is ready for her to snatch it back from him like she snatched herself away, but he wraps his fingers around the crystal anyway. Still, he hesitates for a moment before pulling it in towards him and cradling it dumbly in his hand.

"I believe you."

He shouldn't. But he does, against all better judgement.

[realists]

She feels dizzy watching his hand close securely around the crystal, feeling suddenly like she needs to sit down and maybe pass out. She sways on her feet for a beat, as if losing the necklace was equal to losing a limb or an organ.

"Okay." She nods, unable to stop the way her hand lifts to touch the spot where the kyber crystal used to rest between her breasts. She swallows. "Right, good."

She doesn't ask him not to lose it because she knows he would never be so cruel. Instead she turns back to the closet to maybe find a jacket of his from ages ago that might fit. Who knows. She does, however, call over her shoulder to K2, "Adjust your odds, mate."

[evasives]

It's a strange sensation to watch the way she moves after handing the crystal over, like she's missing a part of herself. It's value to Jyn is insurmountable, and Cassian feels like it might be too big a task to hold on to it, but selfishly - he knows she'll stay as long as he does. It's such a quiet, steady relief and he doesn't know what to do with it.

He watches her start to dig for a moment through the clothes, before looking down to the crystal and trying to come up with the best way to keep it safe.

The droid hums, akin to what might be a huff. "I don't even know what transpired! This is irresponsible, Cassian!"

He tucks the crystal inside his jacket, zipped up tight and secure. K2 wouldn't know about the crystal, and Cassian doesn't want to explain it. "She's not going to leave, K2. Not yet."

Because she's still going to, eventually. He can't get that out of his head.

[realists]

"Not until you ask me to." The correction is quiet enough that it might not even be for Cassian to hear, but that was what she said. If he has her guarantee, she won't leave until her asks her to.

She finds a jacket, small enough to be made for a woman and she frowns at it deeply before she yanks it on over her thin shirt and vest, still hunting around for things. She roots through pockets to find gloves and unearths a pair that look familiar enough the she questions whether or not they're actually hers even after all this time. It's absurd, they probably belong to whoever owns the jacket she is definitely not giving back. She checks the jacket they were in, just in case, but it's definitely Cassian's. She lingers a little to long with his jacket in her hands before she shakes herself out of whatever daze she'd fallen into.

Stretching all the way to the back she hits jackpot and pulls out a pair of weapons, clutching them to her chest. She doubts she will be allowed a blaster on this semi diplomatic mission, but she is not going in unarmed and she hooks the truncheons to her belt. Settled with warm clothes and weapons, she steps out of the closet and adjusts the scarf to better cover her hair and keep her ears warm.

"Do I look the part?"

[evasives]

He barely hears it, so faint that he doubts he's even heard it correctly. Anything else he might ask her to clarify, but he doesn't want to know this. He doesn't want to think about the possibility that she'd stay until he told her to leave, mostly because he doesn't know if he could. The only sign he may have heard her is the way he stiffens, for just a few seconds.

While she busies herself bundling up, Cassian moves around the ship, making some of his own final preparations, contacting his little outpost base to tell them everything's still on track.

When she speaks up again, he looks over and cases her up and down, standard as it is familiar. A blaster would probably be more useful, but Cassian is pretty sure K2 would implode, and he's wary of giving her one too.

Besides, Jyn's good with her truncheons. "What part? Insurrectionist or something far more innocuous?"

[realists]

Her mouth twists to the side thoughtfully, deciding what she wants to look like. She isn't sure what she is supposed to look like -- who even goes to Jedha? Sand enthusiasts? Jyn isn't particularly fond of sand, she tends to have too many injuries and sand has a tendency to migrate into those injuries.

"I don't even know. Friendly tourist looking to try the local fare and definitely not there to start a fight?" A beat, her nose wrinkles up as she remembers she's talking about herself. "Okay, slightly less than friendly tourist who knows she might get mugged because she's small and fragile so she carries a bludgeoning weapon but still looking to try the local fare and definitely not there to start a fight?"

Yup. That's it. This is why Cassian was the finesse and Jyn was the unrestrained violence back when they were a team.