ohnofeelstho | i am glad it cannot happen twice, the fever of first love. for it is a fever, and a burden, too

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i am glad it cannot happen twice, the fever of first love. for it is a fever, and a burden, too

♪ satellite -- guster feat. the guster string players

The Alliance had rescued her from prison and she supposes she should have been grateful but she'd felt a certain kind of glee when she'd heard the crunch of Melshi's ribs under the shovel she'd swung at him. She knew the second he stepped into view that they were Alliance and they were here for her, however clearly unsanctioned, but that didn't mean she was going to go without a fight. If he couldn't come rescue her his damn self...

It's been four years since she ran away from the Alliance. There was always too many questions: about Saw and Steela Gerrera -- as if she was old enough to answer anything about Steela Gerrera, about Jyn herself, about why she was left behind by the Partisans. She didn't fit in with the Alliance and their stupid little soldier got too close and she ran because she was terrified he would leave her. She ran and changed her name and changed it again and changed it again and forgot that he knew all her aliases and habits and tells. Of course he would find her.

Now she's back with the Alliance and no one will tell her why and no one will tell her where the hell Cassian Jeron Andor is, but they are all sure to tell her that he's a Captain now -- youngest in the Alliance! -- and she should address him as such.

Her middle finger gets tired from being used so much.

Her fists, still shackled, slam against the table. "I'm a prisoner of the Empire, you don't have any right to keep me here against my will!" Maybe she's yelling to no one, but she is positive there is someone outside listening to her so they can relay any information to their captain. He did like knowing things, though she is surprised he is letting them keep her in chains when he knows how much she hates the feeling. Maybe it's an oversight. Maybe he's changed. "Let me out of here!"

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He hadn't considered the fact that most of everything he keeps on this ship is his. Not all but enough that whatever she chooses stands a chance at belonging to him. It makes him remember the sight of her in his shirts.

Turning halfway, Cassian glances at her out of the corner of his eyes. "Did you have something in mind, or are you asking me if I do?"

It's not a yes, but it's not a no.

Taking it as a yes, Jyn drops the hat and pulls her necklace free from her shirt. After a second, she reaches back to untie it, nails digging into the knot until it comes free and she slips it off her neck, holding it out to him by the leather cord.

Already she feels naked and exposed and vulnerable without it. She'd given up smuggling a weapon into Wobani in order to keep the crystal with her and she doesn't need to try to remember the last time she'd taken it off because she knows she never has, not since her mother tied it around her neck when she was eight and told her to trust in the Force.

Maybe that is what she is doing.

Cassian is the only person besides Saw to know the significance of the necklace, to know how important and priceless it is to her. She would never ever leave without it and she would fight tooth and nail to get it back. If Cassian has it, the odds of Jyn leaving of her own free will drop to zero.

"Take it. As long as you have it, I won't leave."

Edited 2017-03-06 04:17 (UTC)

Cassian knows instantly what she's going to offer him as soon as her hands pull out the necklace. He's unable to stop watching as she unties it carefully, holding it out to him like the precious thing it is. Because he knows what the kyber crystal is to her, the last real tie to her mother and all that it encompasses.

It's absolutely terrifying that she offers it to him, not just because it means she's telling the truth about not leaving. It puts a lot of trust and faith in him to keep it safe, and it feels too important a gesture.

His hand is careful and slow when he reaches out to take it, like he is ready for her to snatch it back from him like she snatched herself away, but he wraps his fingers around the crystal anyway. Still, he hesitates for a moment before pulling it in towards him and cradling it dumbly in his hand.

"I believe you."

He shouldn't. But he does, against all better judgement.

She feels dizzy watching his hand close securely around the crystal, feeling suddenly like she needs to sit down and maybe pass out. She sways on her feet for a beat, as if losing the necklace was equal to losing a limb or an organ.

"Okay." She nods, unable to stop the way her hand lifts to touch the spot where the kyber crystal used to rest between her breasts. She swallows. "Right, good."

She doesn't ask him not to lose it because she knows he would never be so cruel. Instead she turns back to the closet to maybe find a jacket of his from ages ago that might fit. Who knows. She does, however, call over her shoulder to K2, "Adjust your odds, mate."

It's a strange sensation to watch the way she moves after handing the crystal over, like she's missing a part of herself. It's value to Jyn is insurmountable, and Cassian feels like it might be too big a task to hold on to it, but selfishly - he knows she'll stay as long as he does. It's such a quiet, steady relief and he doesn't know what to do with it.

He watches her start to dig for a moment through the clothes, before looking down to the crystal and trying to come up with the best way to keep it safe.

The droid hums, akin to what might be a huff. "I don't even know what transpired! This is irresponsible, Cassian!"

He tucks the crystal inside his jacket, zipped up tight and secure. K2 wouldn't know about the crystal, and Cassian doesn't want to explain it. "She's not going to leave, K2. Not yet."

Because she's still going to, eventually. He can't get that out of his head.

"Not until you ask me to." The correction is quiet enough that it might not even be for Cassian to hear, but that was what she said. If he has her guarantee, she won't leave until her asks her to.

She finds a jacket, small enough to be made for a woman and she frowns at it deeply before she yanks it on over her thin shirt and vest, still hunting around for things. She roots through pockets to find gloves and unearths a pair that look familiar enough the she questions whether or not they're actually hers even after all this time. It's absurd, they probably belong to whoever owns the jacket she is definitely not giving back. She checks the jacket they were in, just in case, but it's definitely Cassian's. She lingers a little to long with his jacket in her hands before she shakes herself out of whatever daze she'd fallen into.

Stretching all the way to the back she hits jackpot and pulls out a pair of weapons, clutching them to her chest. She doubts she will be allowed a blaster on this semi diplomatic mission, but she is not going in unarmed and she hooks the truncheons to her belt. Settled with warm clothes and weapons, she steps out of the closet and adjusts the scarf to better cover her hair and keep her ears warm.

"Do I look the part?"

Edited (i'm so sorry for the 10000 edits today) 2017-03-06 06:06 (UTC)

He barely hears it, so faint that he doubts he's even heard it correctly. Anything else he might ask her to clarify, but he doesn't want to know this. He doesn't want to think about the possibility that she'd stay until he told her to leave, mostly because he doesn't know if he could. The only sign he may have heard her is the way he stiffens, for just a few seconds.

While she busies herself bundling up, Cassian moves around the ship, making some of his own final preparations, contacting his little outpost base to tell them everything's still on track.

When she speaks up again, he looks over and cases her up and down, standard as it is familiar. A blaster would probably be more useful, but Cassian is pretty sure K2 would implode, and he's wary of giving her one too.

Besides, Jyn's good with her truncheons. "What part? Insurrectionist or something far more innocuous?"

Her mouth twists to the side thoughtfully, deciding what she wants to look like. She isn't sure what she is supposed to look like -- who even goes to Jedha? Sand enthusiasts? Jyn isn't particularly fond of sand, she tends to have too many injuries and sand has a tendency to migrate into those injuries.

"I don't even know. Friendly tourist looking to try the local fare and definitely not there to start a fight?" A beat, her nose wrinkles up as she remembers she's talking about herself. "Okay, slightly less than friendly tourist who knows she might get mugged because she's small and fragile so she carries a bludgeoning weapon but still looking to try the local fare and definitely not there to start a fight?"

Yup. That's it. This is why Cassian was the finesse and Jyn was the unrestrained violence back when they were a team.

Cassian listens to her description and characterization, and everything about it is so very Jyn, the kind of thing that would have him charmed and smiling before.

He doesn't, but his shoulders do feel marginally less tense. He moves towards the closet, still careful not to touch her, and pulls out his own jacket. "You'd stand out more if you didn't have a weapon on Jedha. Don't go mugging anyone yourself."

Edited 2017-03-07 03:36 (UTC)

She looks down at herself, as he passes, wondering if he's right about not fitting in without a weapon. He's probably right. He's usually right. She turns after a moment and finds herself face to face with that big, thick coat with its soft fur again.

She knew she should that taken that one instead.

"What about you? Any weapon you have is gonna get covered up by that." That is not true, that was only true when Jyn was the one wearing his jackets because they weren't meant for someone her size.

He makes sure to move a few good steps away from her before pulling the coat on, though he doesn't fasten it up yet. He steals a glance at her, without looking away immediately this time.

"Just because they're hidden well doesn't mean I cannot reach them as I need to."

And he is definitely bringing his blaster, among other weapons. His holster is already on.

Jyn chews on her bottom lip, debating what would happen if she asked for a further weapon. She knows she is more than capable of fighting with blunt force weapons, but she also knows the kind of firepower Saw works with and she honestly doesn't relish walking into that with just two sticks. Especially since she's not supposed to start a fight so she can't just knock someone out and take their weapon.

In the end she doesn't ask, head jerking in a nod as she moves to sit down and lace up her boots again. "Sounds like a plan."

It's a strange stilted dialogue that feels wrong, even though he knows the banter would probably just annoy him, like an attempt at normalcy neither of them has earned.

He feels better, with his own outburst, but it doesn't mean he can be normal again.

As he mulls over every weapon he has on him, it makes him wary to leave Jyn only with the truncheons - it's just as dangerous for him without much backup, but it's hard to justify it. Instead, he just makes a note to bring an extra blaster, one he can toss to her only if absolutely necessary.

Precautionary, clearly.

"No, it doesn't," he says idly. "But none of this is much of a good plan to begin with. It's just the only one."

"To save my father." She looks up under the messy fringe of her hair, still in the same style she's favored since she was effectively orphaned on Lah'mu, testing the waters carefully. "Because otherwise the Alliance will kill him."

It's a question without being a question. She doesn't doubt that Cassian doesn't want her father assassinated because of her, but she doesn't understand why. Her father is a traitor, an Imperial scientist who has something to do with a weapon that is so dangerous it's being called a planetkiller. Even if he is her father...

Why.

"He's more useful alive."

It's not a lie, but it's not the entire truth. The moment the mission fell into his hands, he knew he wouldn't be able to do it. Even if it'd been four years, whatever he'd felt for Jyn had been too strong and the thought of assassinating her father had been like a cold blow. By all means, Galen Erso should be killed. Captain Cassian Andor is qualified to do it.

He knows she's asking why, but he can't bring himself to answer. Mostly because he doesn't really know why he's doing it this way. Jyn left him, and he shouldn't have cared.

Yet here they are. He hates attachments, sometimes. "Some people do not think so."

"He's a traitor," she says quietly, like she's trying to remind herself of that. She'd turned her back on the rebellion when it (Saw) turn its back on her, but she didn't run to the Empire. Imperial death troopers had killed her mother right in front of her, right in front of him! How could he turn his back on the freedom her mother wanted so much to join the empire hell bent on crushing that freedom.

But then, he'd left her, too. Maybe it wasn't so hard to him to do.

"If they want him dead, what'll they do when you bring him back?" Not if -- when, because Jyn knows Cassian is capable of anything he puts his mind to. She always had more faith in him than in herself.

"Whatever insight he has on the weapon will be important enough an asset. When I bring him back -"

He stops, because it's not like everyone is expecting Galen Erso to be killed. Most of high command would prefer him to come back alive too; it's just Cassian's boss who says otherwise.

Draven is not going to be happy, but Cassian knew that before he even left Yavin 4. He even understand's Draven's perspective, and maybe if he hadn't known Jyn, it'd be different.

But he doesn't really want to tell her that.

"They can deliberate. They seem quite fond of doing so."

"And if you bring me back?" Admittedly, she wasn't even eighteen when she ran away from Cassian and, by default, the Alliance itself, but she did still run away from it all the same.

Funny how saving her traitor father was a when, but bringing Jyn back with him turned into an if.

Funny.

She straightens up from her boots, knots her fingers together in her lap so she won't try to reach for her necklace again. Her knuckles turn white almost immediately, nerves and fidgety eagerness to be someplace else getting the best of her. Even if she doesn't like sand and deserts, she's never been to Jedha and the novelty of a new planet has never worn off for her, even if she packs it down deep and it's only obvious to people that know her well.

He stiffens, faintly, and immediately shifts his gaze towards K2 in the cockpit under the guise of adjusting his coat and blaster. Galen is a when because Cassian will drag him back unconscious if necessary. Jyn was always an if because he never wanted to use that sort of coercion on her. She's always been an if, when he really thinks about it.

"I'm not going to force you to stay places you don't want to be, once the mission is finished."

Cassian believes her that she'll stay until he says and until he returns the crystal, but he still doesn't really believe she wants to stay. Not for long. Not with him. He's still trying to figure out the whole crystal situation to begin with.

"Unless you are talking about the Alliance. They're not going to court marshal you should you step food on a base once more."

She wants to say 'I know' because she does know that he wouldn't force her to stay anywhere against her will, but the words sort of dry up on her tongue and she says nothing at all.

Her head jerks in a nod.

He's a little relieved she doesn't press it, even if now he's thinking about what happens after Jedha. After they find her father, wherever he is. He wonders what would happen, if she really did stay. And then he berates himself, because it's a stupid wonder.

"We should get to Jedha soon."

"Approximately ten minutes. Final preparations engaged."

"Okay." Another nod and she offers a tiny, fleeting ghost of a smile. What would be a smile if it weren't Jyn's somber mouth and if it weren't directed at Cassian who deserves that handsome doctor she'd imagined for him.

She settles back in the seat, peering out the window into the darkness as her hands unlock to absently strap herself in finally. Eventually, in ten minutes, she's sure she will see the planet and the moon they're aiming for come into view but she can look out into space for now. She's always loved hyperspace.

Cassian can recognize what might have been a smile and tires to pretend it doesn't feel like something of an ache. Instead, he turns back towards the cockpit, ready to go back to being the copilot as they descend towards Jedha.

He can deal with this. He knew what he was getting into when he first starting making the plan for this mission, and they might have touched on what happened, but it's not going to deter anything. It can't. Saw Gerrera awaits and Jyn is the key. She wouldn't even be here if he hadn't forced her hand after Wobani.

The ship soars out of hyperspace a little roughly, and it's not long before they begin the descent towards Jedha. It'd be far easier to land in the city port, but it's too much of a risk, so when they hit ground on the moon, it's a ways away in the middle of the desert, empty of any sign of life save the city in the distance.

He takes a deep breath and closes his eyes, powering down the ship while K2 mutters some sort of probability beside him. The defector. Saw Gerrera. One step at a time.

Jyn leaps up from her seat and hits the door to throw herself into the fresh air, immediately squinting into the sun and almost choking on the chilled air, coughs stifled behind her hand. Cold deserts drive her mad, there is something unnatural about it.

Once she's outside though, her steps slow because she can't escape her wonder at a new world -- she's never been to Jedha.

"Captain? What're these ruins?" Something prickles at the back of her mind as she comes around the ship to look toward the city on the horizon, some unformed thought she can't quite form.

There is something odd about hearing Jyn call him Captain. Most people do, it's not a surprise she takes it up, and he should be glad for it. But it feels - wrong, somehow. Not that he will ever bring it up.

K2 follows them off the ship, and Cassian looks off where she's looking. It's bright and cold, which is generally an annoying combination, but he is unfortunately used to dealing with various kinds of planet climates. He starts making sure his pack is secure at the same time.

"Jedha City used to be sacred to the jedi. Kyber crystals were abundant, but the Empire has put a stop to that."

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