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ohnofeelstho2017-03-02 09:52 pm
i am glad it cannot happen twice, the fever of first love. for it is a fever, and a burden, too
♪ satellite -- guster feat. the guster string players
The Alliance had rescued her from prison and she supposes she should have been grateful but she'd felt a certain kind of glee when she'd heard the crunch of Melshi's ribs under the shovel she'd swung at him. She knew the second he stepped into view that they were Alliance and they were here for her, however clearly unsanctioned, but that didn't mean she was going to go without a fight. If he couldn't come rescue her his damn self...
It's been four years since she ran away from the Alliance. There was always too many questions: about Saw and Steela Gerrera -- as if she was old enough to answer anything about Steela Gerrera, about Jyn herself, about why she was left behind by the Partisans. She didn't fit in with the Alliance and their stupid little soldier got too close and she ran because she was terrified he would leave her. She ran and changed her name and changed it again and changed it again and forgot that he knew all her aliases and habits and tells. Of course he would find her.
Now she's back with the Alliance and no one will tell her why and no one will tell her where the hell Cassian Jeron Andor is, but they are all sure to tell her that he's a Captain now -- youngest in the Alliance! -- and she should address him as such.
Her middle finger gets tired from being used so much.
Her fists, still shackled, slam against the table. "I'm a prisoner of the Empire, you don't have any right to keep me here against my will!" Maybe she's yelling to no one, but she is positive there is someone outside listening to her so they can relay any information to their captain. He did like knowing things, though she is surprised he is letting them keep her in chains when he knows how much she hates the feeling. Maybe it's an oversight. Maybe he's changed. "Let me out of here!"
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She needs to stop and back away and let Cassian move on with his life with the doctor she'd dreamed up for him, to be happy and fulfilled and safe with someone that isn't her because she'd made him unhappy with her selfishness.
But she can't. She is selfish and she doesn't think she's stupid anymore. She just watched her father die and she's going to find the other that she'd spent her whole like thinking was a bastard traitor who abandoned her because he cared more about the Empire than his daughter. She's lost so much, she wants to hold on to the one good thing in her life and Cassian was always the best.
It all happens so fast, too fast, it could almost be called an accident. Jyn's hand curls around the back of his neck, fingers cold as always as they get caught in his hair, the weight of her presses against him, and then she's kissing him, eyes squeezed shut. It could be an accident. She slipped and landed on his mouth, with her mouth.
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Instead he finds himself kissing her back, like no time at all has passed. He's taller now, and their bodies don't fit the same way, but his hands find her waist and readjust. They were always like that, always quick to figure each other out. His chest aches but he kisses her eagerly, unable to breakaway no matter how much is brain is screaming at him that it's a mistake.
Jyn always did have that effect on him. She stepped on his logic and smiled and apparently that hasn't gone away given how quickly he gave in, how quickly his hands cling to keep her close.
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Her arms curl around his shoulders, pulling herself up meet him. Standing on her tiptoes to kiss him has always been the case, simply the curse of being smaller than him, and Jyn finds that being out of the habit doesn't mean it's not still as natural to her as breathing. She breathes in the familiarity of everything even as she focuses on the differences. More stubble, he's taller, his hair is shorter and somewhere along the lines he changed his shampoo. But his hand still settle on her waist and she knows if she presses closer, which she does, that his arms will curl tighter around her.
She knows she should stop this, but she can't. Tears sting behind her eyes again, but she ignores them, chasing the taste of him like she can drown in it.
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Jyn pushes herself up against him and Cassian reacts without thinking just like she suspected, his arms winding more tightly around her. His kisses are hungrier than he intended, but he's missed her in spite of himself. She's more toned than she used to be, harder against him, and her grip is a vice he keeps giving into.
One of his hands sweeps up higher on her back, and the other dips accidentally under her shirt from the simple urgency in clutching her. He doesn't pull it away, even though he knows he should do that too, but whatever has come over him he doesn't want to let it escape. Not yet. He wants to keep kissing her and pretend it doesn't hurt as much as it sets him alight.
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Her arms unwind from his shoulders, but only so she can start pushing his soft brown jacket down over his shoulders, to free him from another layer. She almost pines for his fluffy blue parka, but she also remembers how much of a pain in the ass if was to deal with the snaps. The heel of her hand scrapes against the insignia bar on his chest and she almost winces, but she's distracted by her determination to rid him of this useless layer of clothing.
Completely and utterly oblivious to the rest of the ship, she doesn't notice Bodhi's awkward shuffling or Chirrut's giant, silent grin, or Baze's soft huff of a cough. She notices approximately nothing but Cassian Andor.
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His fingers slide further up her shirt and splay over her back while she gets the sleeve off his other arm; he's glad it's just the jacket she's trying to rid him off because it means he doesn't have to stop kissing her. His free hand unbuttons the top of her vest, but he only gets about two down before they're interrupted.
K2 seems to finally realize something is going on by the awkwardness of the Jedha natives. He clamors out of the cockpit and clangs towards them to see what's wrong, and only then does he notice what Cassian seems to be getting up to buried in the back of the ship.
The droid immediately stomps in closer. "Cassian! What is going on here? What are you doing?" He sounds so utterly aghast and offended, but also maybe concerned.
Cassian freezes, mouth barely a centimeter from hers and his hands still pressed against her. Panic creeps in slowly, tempering his urgency.
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"I--" She closes her mouth before she finishes whatever she was going to say, backtracking and starting over. "I shouldn't have..."
She swallows down every apology that wants to spill off her tongue because she's not sorry. She's not sorry at all for kissing him even though she had absolutely no right. Being with him feels like coming home.
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Jyn steps back but doesn't look away. She doesn't apologize either, and he can't decide if he wants her to. Cassian is still lost, trying to figure out what Jyn's behavior means because it doesn't make sense. Looking at her now it's very clear she didn't want to stop, but she left him in the first place -
He pulls his hands back and ignores how he misses touching her already. It's too much. "I shouldn't have either." It almost sounds like he's scolding himself.
"This makes no sense!"
Cassian hisses out an order, harshly. "Go back to the cockpit, K."
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The harsh tone makes Jyn flinch, even if it isn't directed at her. K2 doesn't particularly deserve Cassian's ire, it should be directed at her.
"Cassian..." What. What can she even say.
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He looks back to Jyn and tries to keep his face as blank as possible. It doesn't work. She says his name and his eyes close, expression almost pinched because it hurts, a lot, and all he wants to do is shut off his emotions.
He starts to. His features slowly settle into something more neutral and he finally opens his eyes. His shoulders are still lined with a quiet tension, but he's getting there. His tone is flat, a soldier's voice, with only the tiniest hint of how much this is effecting him. "We can't do that again."
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But, "I don't regret it."
Even if he obviously does. She can't blame him, she's made so many mistakes he's probably just waiting for her to make the next one that will blow up in both their faces.
"You should get something to eat." It's what he suggested in the first place.
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"I don't understand what you want from me." It's not an invitation for her to answer him. His tone is more conclusive, like he's pulling himself away from the conversation - which he is. If they talk about anything, he's certainly not going to do it with four eavesdroppers.
Cassian takes another few steps away. "I'm checking on our course. There are rations, enough for everyone."
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It's different now. She's different now. Saw had stood his ground until the very last, her father had lied to spare her from growing up as a pawn, damn if she is going to let every sacrifice they made be for nothing.
Her hand snaps out to curl around his wrist, tighter and colder than any shackles she had in prison and she's always had a freakishly strong grip, especially for a girl. She doesn't care about anyone listening, they'd been there when the two of them were making out, fighting would probably be easier to block out, honestly. Maybe it's another case where K2 is a better friend than her because he lets it go when Cassian asks, but Jyn can't. This could be her only chance.
"You. I want you, Cassian." Her voice cracks and it's the only thing betraying how nervous she is, straightening up, shoulders back, ignoring any and all weaknesses. "I want a second chance, I want to be able to make up for hurting you and to spend every day proving to you that the scared, idiot girl who ran away from you isn't who I am anymore. I want to be happy again and I am with you, I always have been. I know I ruined us, I know I hurt you because I was selfish and self-centered." Her hand abruptly releases his wrist, stepping back. "I don't deserve your trust or your faith, but even when you give my necklace back, I'm not leaving unless you tell me to. I'm not going anywhere, not anymore. I know it's just words, but I'm going to prove it, every single day."
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His gaze is locked onto her face, and every part of him wants to tell her to stop, but he's drawn in anyway as she goes on. It's lucky, he thinks, that he'd already turned himself off because otherwise it would probably rip his chest open.
She can't want him. He wants her to want him, because there's always been a part of him that's missed her and wanted her back so badly. When she lets him go, his feet carry him backwards a few steps, and the only sign of emotion on his face is the crease of his eyebrows and lost unhappy frown.
He doesn't know what to say. He closes his eyes again and tries to pretend they're the only ones on the ship. It's too much to process and Eadu awaits them; maybe it's cowardly, but he doesn't say anything at all. He just takes another few steps backwards and makes a beeline for the cockpit, ignoring the (supposedly) subtle stares everyone gives him as he goes.
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He didn't tell her to leave or fuck off, but she supposes he wouldn't until after they had her father. He wouldn't endanger the mission like that.
But hope flares in her chest and it keeps her grief at bay for the time being, enough that she can push herself to move. She is familiar enough with Alliance ships to know where to find most things and so she locates the rations and passes them out, silently giving one to K2 to pass to Cassian. She makes sure Bodhi drinks water, gives him her portion because who know when he last ate, she cleans the blood and dust off him with a weak smile and quiet, idle chatter about her father. She even allows Baze to clean the blood off her forehead, staying silent while Chirrut fills the space with cheerful anecdotes of Jedha.
It's not good, it was never going to be good, but it wasn't bad. She can hold on to that to get her through to Eadu.
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Eadu arrives too fast and too slow, and the planet itself is a mad rush to accomplish the rescue of Galen Erso. Jyn doesn't listen, the guardians don't either, but fortunately Cassian is used to adapting.
And it works. It doesn't go exactly as planned, and the Alliance bombs the facility, but Cassian drags Galen's bleeding body on board Bodhi's stolen ship. It's a messy, hurried blur back to Yavin 4, which he's kind of grateful for. It lets him simply just be a rebel Captain, and it's a position that's easy to fall into, especially to avoid thinking about anything else.
To avoid thinking about Jyn.
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