ohnofeelstho | i am glad it cannot happen twice, the fever of first love. for it is a fever, and a burden, too

Entry tags:

♥ чσuths!

i am glad it cannot happen twice, the fever of first love. for it is a fever, and a burden, too

♪ satellite -- guster feat. the guster string players

The Alliance had rescued her from prison and she supposes she should have been grateful but she'd felt a certain kind of glee when she'd heard the crunch of Melshi's ribs under the shovel she'd swung at him. She knew the second he stepped into view that they were Alliance and they were here for her, however clearly unsanctioned, but that didn't mean she was going to go without a fight. If he couldn't come rescue her his damn self...

It's been four years since she ran away from the Alliance. There was always too many questions: about Saw and Steela Gerrera -- as if she was old enough to answer anything about Steela Gerrera, about Jyn herself, about why she was left behind by the Partisans. She didn't fit in with the Alliance and their stupid little soldier got too close and she ran because she was terrified he would leave her. She ran and changed her name and changed it again and changed it again and forgot that he knew all her aliases and habits and tells. Of course he would find her.

Now she's back with the Alliance and no one will tell her why and no one will tell her where the hell Cassian Jeron Andor is, but they are all sure to tell her that he's a Captain now -- youngest in the Alliance! -- and she should address him as such.

Her middle finger gets tired from being used so much.

Her fists, still shackled, slam against the table. "I'm a prisoner of the Empire, you don't have any right to keep me here against my will!" Maybe she's yelling to no one, but she is positive there is someone outside listening to her so they can relay any information to their captain. He did like knowing things, though she is surprised he is letting them keep her in chains when he knows how much she hates the feeling. Maybe it's an oversight. Maybe he's changed. "Let me out of here!"

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

"He knows about my necklace," Jyn answers, tilt of her chin almost defiant, but tinged with discomfort only Cassian would notice as she jerks her head toward the strange man with the milky white eyes that clearly mark him as blind.

The man's expression seemed to have lit up by Cassian's presence and Jyn's mouth slanted into a frown. She understood the impulse, at least. His hulking partner, even seemed a little amused by Cassian's presence and all that combined took her off guard enough to twist away and almost into Cassian, spell broken by Cassian's presence.

"The strongest stars have hearts of Kyber," came called after her as she whirled away from the pair, all but shoving Cassian back onto the street away from Chirrut Imwe and his partner, as if she can outrun her past. Let's go, boyfriend.

Er. You know.

Cassian frowns too, though a lot more subtly. When Jyn moves towards him, it's instinct to reach for her arm. When she starts to shove him away, he moves with it and pulls her along, reminding himself that this is Jedha and the touching is going to keep happening. It's the nature of the beast. The very explosive beast.

"How did they know?" His question isn't harsh, but it's curt, which isn't aimed at her so much as anxious as to how they knew when it wasn't even on her person. "They are the Guardians of the Whills, with nothing left to guard. Most likely trying to swindle you."

"Swindle me of my crystal I don't even have?" Another question no one has the answer for unless they turn around to ask. But Chirrut had asked for payment, teasing, so Jyn doesn't sound like she disagrees. Still, she didn't feel like they were trying to fleece her.

Her head tips up to look at him, silently passing him a crispy red cookie coated in sugar crystals. "How'd it go on your end?"

"Out of anything they can get." He still doesn't like how they knew the crystal was on him, but short of backtracking to ask, he's never going to get the answer because he's not going back. (He would be very annoyed to know they were thinking the same thing.)

Cassian takes the cookie without thinking and then gets mad at himself for falling into the ease of the gesture. "We need to hurry. Can you feel it? The tension in this town - it's going to blow, soon. But I have a location."

"Alright, let's go." No use wasting time and Jyn knows the tension she feels isn't just the town, it's rolling off Cassian, too. She's sure that roughly 70% of it is her fault and she briefly wishes that K2 had joined them to act as a buffer so that she wouldn't keep falling into easy habits with Cassian.

It's been four years, she shouldn't still be acting like it's been four minutes.

He doesn't respond to her verbally, but he does start walking, and this time he doesn't pull her by the arm. He feels too aware of doing so now, thanks to his casual cookie grabbing. The fact that he knows she's going to follow him doesn't help.

But the town is bustling and bursting and it isn't long before it comes to a head. Explosions! Bodies! Shooting one of Saw's guerrillas to save Jyn! It's all fun and games until they get bound and gagged and taken to Saw's base in the complete opposite way he'd intended.

Jyn is taken to saw, and Cassian is left with the Guardians of the Whills. He finds the pilot! But then the planet seems to get caught in a permanent earthquake. Saw's rebels disappear and the four of them break out of their jail cells. Cassian rearms himself and he should leave, but he can't. Before any of the other men can say a word, Cassian races off to find Jyn, unable to leave her.

He finds her with Saw and keeps his blaster raised. Cassian locks eyes with the older man and feels a burst of unexpected anger, suddenly remembering the way Jyn had been found, covered in blood and alone and traumatized and - she looks in a right state now too, staring into the empty space above a hologram.

"Jyn." There is a quiet plea in the way he says her name, despite how he tries to make it come across as something more stern. He looks back and forth between her and Saw, and he knows he would not hesitate to fight the man for Jyn's sake - which is a scary thought. The adrenaline allows him to shove off all the thought analysis for now. "We need to go."

Jyn hasn't seen her father's face in so long, hasn't heard the melodic tone of his accent or felt the warmth of his arms around her since she was just a little girl. Watching the holo breaks something inside her.

He'd given up so much to ensure her protection and she'd done what with her life?

She doesn't deserve what he'd given up for her.

Some part of her hears Cassian, feels the ground shake between her palms, but she can't move, she can't look away from the spot where the figure of her father stood.

She doesn't acknowledge him at all, and he swallows down how worried it makes him. Saw stares intently at him, weapon raised, but Cassian is doing the same. When Saw doesn't move, Cassian slowly and carefully approaches Jyn.

He touches her shoulder, firm but gentle. "Jyn. Look at me. We need to leave, now."

Saw's stance doesn't quite lower, but some of the tension eases out of the man's shoulders when he realizes Cassian is only here for Jyn. They relate that way, and it's as frustrating for Cassian to acknowledge as it is a relief he won't have to shoot Jyn's adopted father to keep her alive.

Slowly, she tears her eyes from the space where her father's image had stood and lifts them to take in Cassian crouched next to her. She still doesn't seem to be able to take him in completely, eyes unfocused and swimming with unshed tears.

"Cassian--" She had not been in the best state when he had found her on Tamsye Prime, covered in blood and all alone, abandoned by the man that has raised her and unsure if he'd even survived the assault. Jyn had been broken by the loss of her surrogate father, but it's nothing compared to how absolutely shattered she is from whatever the holomessage had given her. "What are you..?"

He gets her attention and feels a pinch of relief, ignoring everything else because first and foremost they need to get out of here. He needs to get her out of here. It reminds him of when he found her on Tamsye Prime, but he was a lot gruffer with her then simply because he didn't know her.

Cassian knows her now. She broke his heart, but he knows it. Against any better judgment, he puts his blaster away and uses that hand to touch her jaw, turning her head towards him, to keep her focus on his face. "It's not safe to stay here. You need to come with me, now."

Simple, easy to follow directions. There's no time to deal with whatever has set her into this state right now, because the planet seems to be collapsing around them.

Saw's voice breaks through too, simply announcing that she'd seen a message from Galen Erso.

Cassian's hand is warm on her face and instinctively her hand lifts to cover his, curling her fingers around his without thinking. It's not safe, she has to go with him now. Distantly she hears Saw saying her father's name but it's Cassian that brings her back to the present, stomach swooping when she feels the ground quaking beneath them. Something terrible was happening to Jedha.

Her father's words spark in her mind and she feels like she's going to throw up.

Her head turns back to Saw, pulling herself out of Cassian's grip as she jerks unsteadily to her feet, but keeping her hand curled so tightly around his that he would have to pry her hand off his to be free.

"Saw, we have to go." Before the words were out of her mouth she saw the defiance in his eyes, the resignation that make her body go suddenly cold. Her eyes flicker across him again, seeing all the pains taken to keep him alive because he was trying to save her, limbs replaced by metal, life support keeping his heart pounding in his chest. She knows already that he isn't coming with them, knows before he even looks away from her to Cassian.

"You must go."

"Come with us! You have to." She can hear herself begging, hear the shameful neediness cracking her voice like the rocks are cracking beneath their feet. "Saw."

The old rebel's eyes shift back to the child he had raised as his own for so many years, softening. "Safe yourself. Please."

His breath doesn't stutter when she touches his hand with hers, but he feels an off sense of relief that he got through to her on some level. Cassian moves with her as she scrambles to her feet, and her grip is so tight on his fingers that it kind of scares him, but he doesn't dare to try pull away. It's keeping her focused, at least that's the only reason he can think of.

Cassian watches the exchange between Saw and Jyn and instantly knows the man is not coming with them. Despite how he found her all those years ago and knowing what Saw's abandonment did to her, he knows leaving Saw behind is going to be just as damaging.

"Jyn," he says again, firm but soft. He squeezes her hand. When it comes down to it, Cassian knows his choice is to save Jyn. If Gerrera is going to stay, he can't drag two people out who can't leave on their own. "We're out of time. Let's go."

He pulls on her, the crumbling walls of the partisan base giving him a stronger sense of urgency and tugging her away from Saw.

Jyn doesn't fight him any more, giving up and letting Cassian drag her through the maze of the base. The unsteadiness doesn't slow her very much, but she isn't paying attention to her surroudings, everything washed out with a haze of tears she can't even begin to stop. She hits a number of walls on the way out, crying out in startled pain only once when a hunk of rock grazes her temple on its way to the floor and she feels Cassian course correct automatically.

The next moment they burst out into the sunlight except everything is wrong. The city is gone and in its place is a wave of what looks like a heat mirage, steadily growing closer. But that can't be. Jedha is cold... She finds herself staring before Cassian yanks on her again and she continues running for the U-Wing amidst the handful of other people running away from the crumbling monastery.

"Cassian, the pilot!" Not of the U-Wing, she can make out the silhouette of K2 in the cockpit, but the one they were meant to find. The one her father sent. Where is he?

Edited 2017-07-06 05:43 (UTC)

He's relieved when she finally gives in, wasting no time as he runs them through the collapsing base. He doesn't let go of her hand, too afraid he's going to lose her in the increasingly unstable halls. Rubble hits his arm, his shoulder, and he's going to bruise, just like Jyn's forehead is bleeding from the rock, but he just keeps thinking out, we need to get out.

Only once they're out, he wishes he wasn't. K2 was right: there is no horizon, and Cassian swallows down the utter fear of it, doesn't stop running and still doesn't let go of her hand.

"Those two men from Jedha have him!" he shouts over the thunder of the sand and whatever else is happening. As if on cue, the three of them burst out behind them, and Cassian immediately yells for them all to get to the ship.

He pulls Jyn with him and climbs them into the U-Wing. His heart is pounding too fast and he doesn't want to let her go, but he also needs to pilot the ship. "Sit down, strap in," is what he says quickly, squeezing her hand without thinking before he finally lets it go and rushes for the cockpit.

Jyn doesn't sit down. She knows she should and she shoves the one man she doesn't recognize into a seat, but sitting down means losing sight of Cassian in the cockpit and she just can't. Instead she slams her hand against the hydraulics to close the door and kneels on the seat next to it, fingertips pressed to the glass as she watches the Partisan's base crumble down around them, engulfed in a cloud of dust and sand before Cassian throws the ship into hyperdrive and they leap violently into hyperspace, the entire planet disappearing behind them.

Leaving Saw behind.

One of the Guardians says something to her but she ignores him, brushes off the hand gesturing to her temple, wiping at the blood with the heel of her hand like smudging it will make it better. It doesn't matter, the moment they stabilize Jyn's pushing herself forward to the cockpit. She has to tell Cassian about her father's message, she has to tell him about the weapon, but the reason she surges forward is because she has to check on him, stomach churning with a worry she can't even begin to sort out.

She stops, lingering by the comm link behind the pilot seats. "Cassian..."

Edited 2017-07-13 15:59 (UTC)

The escape into hyperspace doesn't feel over even when the colors fly passed his eyes. It's like he can still feel the heat and the sand and hear the people yelling as the cloud boomed in the distance, wiping out Jedha City. Possibly even more. His muscles are sore from the debris and the run but they're alive.

His grip is tight on the controls, and he's grateful that K2 is piloting alongside him. Especially when he hears his name, from Jyn, with a touch of genuine worry he hasn't heard anyone give him in years, much less wrapped around the sound of her voice.

His back stiffens, because he needs to be a Captain. "Is everyone okay?" At least he's asking her the question instead of calling it out across the ship.

Jyn's shoulders slump a little and she's grateful Cassian hasn't moved because she doesn't deserve to be upset that the concern is one sided. She left him. He father left to give her a better chance and she ruined everything she ever touched.

"Yeah. Everyone's fine." She steps back to actually double check and everyone does look fine, though Chirrut's burly friend looks like he's going to punch the twig of a man that must be the pilot. Bodhi Rook. He looks even smaller now than when she shoved him into the seat, curled in on himself and looking down at his hands as Chirrut asks the other Guardian, Baze, what happened the Jedha. Jyn doesn't have the heart to listen, feeling grief settle like a mantle across her shoulders.

After a moment she pushes out a puff of a breath and turns back to the cockpit. "We have to go to Eadu."

He breathes in deeply, resettling himself. It's a quiet, quick process, one he doesn't like people to see. He hears Jyn say everyone is fine, hears her go double check, and by the time she's back, Cassian feels ready to lead again.

He frowns at her though, at the blood smudged on the side of her face. "Are you sure you're okay?" It's asked before he thinks about it, and he can't take it back.

He configures the ship onto autopilot then climbs out of his chair, because he has things to do and Jedha to analyse. "Why Eadu?"

Jyn doesn't bother with an answer. She's fine. She's not fine but it doesn't matter, she can't deal with any of this right now, she can't be anything but fine, and she can feel herself shutting down bit by bit by bit. She has to be fine, she doesn't have a choice.

Her eyes flicker to Cassian briefly before she glances away, looking out the front window to the stars blurring together as they fly past.

"My father's in Eadu."

She is not fine, and he hates that he can still tell. It makes him feel like an asshole that he can't offer any sort of comfort, but he can't do that to himself right now. The mission is to find Galen Erso.

Who's apparently on Eadu. It doesn't even occur to him to doubt her, but he doesn't think about that, just turns his focus on the details, on figuring out the next step. "How do you know?"

"The message."

It starts in fits and spurts before she finds her stride, telling him about the holomessage her father had sent with Bodhi. About the weapon they were building and how he has planted a flaw in it, imperceptible but deadly. She explains, in meticulous detail that seems impossible considering how wrecked she was when he found her, exactly what Galen had said about the flaw and how one shot will destroy the entire weapon.

She says nothing about the personal nature of the message.

"They're calling it the Death Star."

He listens very carefully, surprisingly so, and takes every word at face value. There's a tiny voice in his head telling him it sounds like nonsense, that something so huge and so dangerous needs more proof than second hand messages to be believed but - he believes her. It explains her state when he found her, even if it doesn't explain her state now.

But it's a more robotic repetition, more factual than emotional. There was clearly more to it, but he's not going to push the personal.

"It's what they used on Jedha."

It's a quiet comment, a quiet sign that he does believe her, as the reality of such a weapon sinks in. He'd rather be doubting her, to avoid acknowledging the Empire having so much power, but the air is too heavy to be a lie.

"We have to get your father."

"We have to go to Eadu."

Bodhi, having heard them like the rest of the ship, chirps up that he can help, that he knows the way to the base -- because that's how he met Galen in the first place, supply runs to Eadu -- and he can help them find their way in. His voice is light and thin and touched with a slight stammer, but he's so earnest.

When he says something about how Galen told him he could make right by himself if he was brave and followed his heart, Jyn cracks under the weight of her emotions and pushes away from the two of them, heading as far back into the ship as she can manage and tucking herself into on of the seat, head against the cool metal of the interior hull. Cassian can manage the planning without her, she's not necessary.

Out of habit, she reaches for her necklace, but her hand falls instead to her lap when she comes up empty.

He doesn't point out that she said so already, just like he doesn't bother fighting the decision. He finishes up the conversation with Bodhi, quickly checks on Chirrut and Baze, then moves to set course for Eadu. K2 is mercifully agreeable and though he sets the ship on autopilot as they traipse through hyperspace, he's grateful the droid stays in the cockpit.

Cassian is very aware when Jyn slips towards the back of the ship, but he focuses on running through logistics with everyone on board first. Bodhi is enthusiastically helpful, and while Cassian isn't the most confident in how it's all going to pan out, they have a plan.

He sees the way her hand goes for her necklace, the way it falls flat immediately after, and his own hand touches the pocket where he has her crystal. There's an urge to give it back to her, fighting his fear she'll take off the moment the ship lands. He moves towards her anyway, stopping about two feet away and hoping none of the other passengers take notice.

"It's still safe."

Distantly, Jyn is paying attention to the planning, to what is happening on the other side of the ship. It's not all that big a ship to begin with regardless and Bodhi isn't as quiet as Cassian's controlled, steady voice. It's easy enough to listen along.

It's easy enough to notice when Cassian makes his way over to her and she looks up slowly.

"I know." She huffs a defeated sounding sigh, reaching up to drag both hands over her hair, shaking her head at the same time. "Probably safer with you than it ever was with me anyway."

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject