ohnofeelstho | i am glad it cannot happen twice, the fever of first love. for it is a fever, and a burden, too

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i am glad it cannot happen twice, the fever of first love. for it is a fever, and a burden, too

♪ satellite -- guster feat. the guster string players

The Alliance had rescued her from prison and she supposes she should have been grateful but she'd felt a certain kind of glee when she'd heard the crunch of Melshi's ribs under the shovel she'd swung at him. She knew the second he stepped into view that they were Alliance and they were here for her, however clearly unsanctioned, but that didn't mean she was going to go without a fight. If he couldn't come rescue her his damn self...

It's been four years since she ran away from the Alliance. There was always too many questions: about Saw and Steela Gerrera -- as if she was old enough to answer anything about Steela Gerrera, about Jyn herself, about why she was left behind by the Partisans. She didn't fit in with the Alliance and their stupid little soldier got too close and she ran because she was terrified he would leave her. She ran and changed her name and changed it again and changed it again and forgot that he knew all her aliases and habits and tells. Of course he would find her.

Now she's back with the Alliance and no one will tell her why and no one will tell her where the hell Cassian Jeron Andor is, but they are all sure to tell her that he's a Captain now -- youngest in the Alliance! -- and she should address him as such.

Her middle finger gets tired from being used so much.

Her fists, still shackled, slam against the table. "I'm a prisoner of the Empire, you don't have any right to keep me here against my will!" Maybe she's yelling to no one, but she is positive there is someone outside listening to her so they can relay any information to their captain. He did like knowing things, though she is surprised he is letting them keep her in chains when he knows how much she hates the feeling. Maybe it's an oversight. Maybe he's changed. "Let me out of here!"

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He gets her attention and feels a pinch of relief, ignoring everything else because first and foremost they need to get out of here. He needs to get her out of here. It reminds him of when he found her on Tamsye Prime, but he was a lot gruffer with her then simply because he didn't know her.

Cassian knows her now. She broke his heart, but he knows it. Against any better judgment, he puts his blaster away and uses that hand to touch her jaw, turning her head towards him, to keep her focus on his face. "It's not safe to stay here. You need to come with me, now."

Simple, easy to follow directions. There's no time to deal with whatever has set her into this state right now, because the planet seems to be collapsing around them.

Saw's voice breaks through too, simply announcing that she'd seen a message from Galen Erso.

Cassian's hand is warm on her face and instinctively her hand lifts to cover his, curling her fingers around his without thinking. It's not safe, she has to go with him now. Distantly she hears Saw saying her father's name but it's Cassian that brings her back to the present, stomach swooping when she feels the ground quaking beneath them. Something terrible was happening to Jedha.

Her father's words spark in her mind and she feels like she's going to throw up.

Her head turns back to Saw, pulling herself out of Cassian's grip as she jerks unsteadily to her feet, but keeping her hand curled so tightly around his that he would have to pry her hand off his to be free.

"Saw, we have to go." Before the words were out of her mouth she saw the defiance in his eyes, the resignation that make her body go suddenly cold. Her eyes flicker across him again, seeing all the pains taken to keep him alive because he was trying to save her, limbs replaced by metal, life support keeping his heart pounding in his chest. She knows already that he isn't coming with them, knows before he even looks away from her to Cassian.

"You must go."

"Come with us! You have to." She can hear herself begging, hear the shameful neediness cracking her voice like the rocks are cracking beneath their feet. "Saw."

The old rebel's eyes shift back to the child he had raised as his own for so many years, softening. "Safe yourself. Please."

His breath doesn't stutter when she touches his hand with hers, but he feels an off sense of relief that he got through to her on some level. Cassian moves with her as she scrambles to her feet, and her grip is so tight on his fingers that it kind of scares him, but he doesn't dare to try pull away. It's keeping her focused, at least that's the only reason he can think of.

Cassian watches the exchange between Saw and Jyn and instantly knows the man is not coming with them. Despite how he found her all those years ago and knowing what Saw's abandonment did to her, he knows leaving Saw behind is going to be just as damaging.

"Jyn," he says again, firm but soft. He squeezes her hand. When it comes down to it, Cassian knows his choice is to save Jyn. If Gerrera is going to stay, he can't drag two people out who can't leave on their own. "We're out of time. Let's go."

He pulls on her, the crumbling walls of the partisan base giving him a stronger sense of urgency and tugging her away from Saw.

Jyn doesn't fight him any more, giving up and letting Cassian drag her through the maze of the base. The unsteadiness doesn't slow her very much, but she isn't paying attention to her surroudings, everything washed out with a haze of tears she can't even begin to stop. She hits a number of walls on the way out, crying out in startled pain only once when a hunk of rock grazes her temple on its way to the floor and she feels Cassian course correct automatically.

The next moment they burst out into the sunlight except everything is wrong. The city is gone and in its place is a wave of what looks like a heat mirage, steadily growing closer. But that can't be. Jedha is cold... She finds herself staring before Cassian yanks on her again and she continues running for the U-Wing amidst the handful of other people running away from the crumbling monastery.

"Cassian, the pilot!" Not of the U-Wing, she can make out the silhouette of K2 in the cockpit, but the one they were meant to find. The one her father sent. Where is he?

Edited 2017-07-06 05:43 (UTC)

He's relieved when she finally gives in, wasting no time as he runs them through the collapsing base. He doesn't let go of her hand, too afraid he's going to lose her in the increasingly unstable halls. Rubble hits his arm, his shoulder, and he's going to bruise, just like Jyn's forehead is bleeding from the rock, but he just keeps thinking out, we need to get out.

Only once they're out, he wishes he wasn't. K2 was right: there is no horizon, and Cassian swallows down the utter fear of it, doesn't stop running and still doesn't let go of her hand.

"Those two men from Jedha have him!" he shouts over the thunder of the sand and whatever else is happening. As if on cue, the three of them burst out behind them, and Cassian immediately yells for them all to get to the ship.

He pulls Jyn with him and climbs them into the U-Wing. His heart is pounding too fast and he doesn't want to let her go, but he also needs to pilot the ship. "Sit down, strap in," is what he says quickly, squeezing her hand without thinking before he finally lets it go and rushes for the cockpit.

Jyn doesn't sit down. She knows she should and she shoves the one man she doesn't recognize into a seat, but sitting down means losing sight of Cassian in the cockpit and she just can't. Instead she slams her hand against the hydraulics to close the door and kneels on the seat next to it, fingertips pressed to the glass as she watches the Partisan's base crumble down around them, engulfed in a cloud of dust and sand before Cassian throws the ship into hyperdrive and they leap violently into hyperspace, the entire planet disappearing behind them.

Leaving Saw behind.

One of the Guardians says something to her but she ignores him, brushes off the hand gesturing to her temple, wiping at the blood with the heel of her hand like smudging it will make it better. It doesn't matter, the moment they stabilize Jyn's pushing herself forward to the cockpit. She has to tell Cassian about her father's message, she has to tell him about the weapon, but the reason she surges forward is because she has to check on him, stomach churning with a worry she can't even begin to sort out.

She stops, lingering by the comm link behind the pilot seats. "Cassian..."

Edited 2017-07-13 15:59 (UTC)

The escape into hyperspace doesn't feel over even when the colors fly passed his eyes. It's like he can still feel the heat and the sand and hear the people yelling as the cloud boomed in the distance, wiping out Jedha City. Possibly even more. His muscles are sore from the debris and the run but they're alive.

His grip is tight on the controls, and he's grateful that K2 is piloting alongside him. Especially when he hears his name, from Jyn, with a touch of genuine worry he hasn't heard anyone give him in years, much less wrapped around the sound of her voice.

His back stiffens, because he needs to be a Captain. "Is everyone okay?" At least he's asking her the question instead of calling it out across the ship.

Jyn's shoulders slump a little and she's grateful Cassian hasn't moved because she doesn't deserve to be upset that the concern is one sided. She left him. He father left to give her a better chance and she ruined everything she ever touched.

"Yeah. Everyone's fine." She steps back to actually double check and everyone does look fine, though Chirrut's burly friend looks like he's going to punch the twig of a man that must be the pilot. Bodhi Rook. He looks even smaller now than when she shoved him into the seat, curled in on himself and looking down at his hands as Chirrut asks the other Guardian, Baze, what happened the Jedha. Jyn doesn't have the heart to listen, feeling grief settle like a mantle across her shoulders.

After a moment she pushes out a puff of a breath and turns back to the cockpit. "We have to go to Eadu."

He breathes in deeply, resettling himself. It's a quiet, quick process, one he doesn't like people to see. He hears Jyn say everyone is fine, hears her go double check, and by the time she's back, Cassian feels ready to lead again.

He frowns at her though, at the blood smudged on the side of her face. "Are you sure you're okay?" It's asked before he thinks about it, and he can't take it back.

He configures the ship onto autopilot then climbs out of his chair, because he has things to do and Jedha to analyse. "Why Eadu?"

Jyn doesn't bother with an answer. She's fine. She's not fine but it doesn't matter, she can't deal with any of this right now, she can't be anything but fine, and she can feel herself shutting down bit by bit by bit. She has to be fine, she doesn't have a choice.

Her eyes flicker to Cassian briefly before she glances away, looking out the front window to the stars blurring together as they fly past.

"My father's in Eadu."

She is not fine, and he hates that he can still tell. It makes him feel like an asshole that he can't offer any sort of comfort, but he can't do that to himself right now. The mission is to find Galen Erso.

Who's apparently on Eadu. It doesn't even occur to him to doubt her, but he doesn't think about that, just turns his focus on the details, on figuring out the next step. "How do you know?"

"The message."

It starts in fits and spurts before she finds her stride, telling him about the holomessage her father had sent with Bodhi. About the weapon they were building and how he has planted a flaw in it, imperceptible but deadly. She explains, in meticulous detail that seems impossible considering how wrecked she was when he found her, exactly what Galen had said about the flaw and how one shot will destroy the entire weapon.

She says nothing about the personal nature of the message.

"They're calling it the Death Star."

He listens very carefully, surprisingly so, and takes every word at face value. There's a tiny voice in his head telling him it sounds like nonsense, that something so huge and so dangerous needs more proof than second hand messages to be believed but - he believes her. It explains her state when he found her, even if it doesn't explain her state now.

But it's a more robotic repetition, more factual than emotional. There was clearly more to it, but he's not going to push the personal.

"It's what they used on Jedha."

It's a quiet comment, a quiet sign that he does believe her, as the reality of such a weapon sinks in. He'd rather be doubting her, to avoid acknowledging the Empire having so much power, but the air is too heavy to be a lie.

"We have to get your father."

"We have to go to Eadu."

Bodhi, having heard them like the rest of the ship, chirps up that he can help, that he knows the way to the base -- because that's how he met Galen in the first place, supply runs to Eadu -- and he can help them find their way in. His voice is light and thin and touched with a slight stammer, but he's so earnest.

When he says something about how Galen told him he could make right by himself if he was brave and followed his heart, Jyn cracks under the weight of her emotions and pushes away from the two of them, heading as far back into the ship as she can manage and tucking herself into on of the seat, head against the cool metal of the interior hull. Cassian can manage the planning without her, she's not necessary.

Out of habit, she reaches for her necklace, but her hand falls instead to her lap when she comes up empty.

He doesn't point out that she said so already, just like he doesn't bother fighting the decision. He finishes up the conversation with Bodhi, quickly checks on Chirrut and Baze, then moves to set course for Eadu. K2 is mercifully agreeable and though he sets the ship on autopilot as they traipse through hyperspace, he's grateful the droid stays in the cockpit.

Cassian is very aware when Jyn slips towards the back of the ship, but he focuses on running through logistics with everyone on board first. Bodhi is enthusiastically helpful, and while Cassian isn't the most confident in how it's all going to pan out, they have a plan.

He sees the way her hand goes for her necklace, the way it falls flat immediately after, and his own hand touches the pocket where he has her crystal. There's an urge to give it back to her, fighting his fear she'll take off the moment the ship lands. He moves towards her anyway, stopping about two feet away and hoping none of the other passengers take notice.

"It's still safe."

Distantly, Jyn is paying attention to the planning, to what is happening on the other side of the ship. It's not all that big a ship to begin with regardless and Bodhi isn't as quiet as Cassian's controlled, steady voice. It's easy enough to listen along.

It's easy enough to notice when Cassian makes his way over to her and she looks up slowly.

"I know." She huffs a defeated sounding sigh, reaching up to drag both hands over her hair, shaking her head at the same time. "Probably safer with you than it ever was with me anyway."

His jaw clenches, though not very obviously, and it's moreso aimed at himself. He knows what the simplest solution to help her is, but that involves helping her. He's trying so very hard to be as impartial as possible, but there's no way she's anywhere close to being okay right now, and he finds he can't ignore it.

He averts his gaze when he replies, if only because making the offer makes him feel weak, but he can't stop himself. "Do you want it back, until we get to Eadu?"

"No."

Her head shakes as she pushes herself up to her feet, pushing her hair back as she does so. She feels too close and it makes her feel cold being this close and not close at all. Her father wanted her to be happy and she threw it away because she was stupid and scared and selfish. Maybe her father's time would have been better well spent building a time machine.

"No, I want you to have it."

He frowns, clearly surprised by the answer. Saw Gerrera has died and they're about to find Galen, but she still refuses to take the crystal back, and it's just unusual. Which begs him to think he doesn't really know if that's true. It's been years.

It doesn't stop him from tugging it out of his pocket and holding it out to her anyway, against all better judgment. He shouldn't care that she's hurting, but he does. He cares too much and kind of hates himself for it. But it's not like she can jump ship. "Take it. Until Eadu. Give it to me again when we're closer."

Again her head shakes, though this time it is firmer, like she's decided something and is determined to stand by that decision.

"When Mama gave it to me, she told me to trust the Force." She doesn't, she never has, she doesn't know if she ever will. She knows she's told part of the story to Cassian before, however, but these are new details. She'd always stopped at 'my mother gave it to me' and kept the details to herself. It probably isn't fair to drop all the details on Cassian now but. She can't screw it up more than she already has.

It's almost freeing, the sudden feeling like she has absolutely nothing left to lose. Her mother, the father that raised her, Cassian, her reality for the last decade of her life. What else is there?

"She told me to trust the Force, that she'd be there. I was eight and terrified, I thought she meant in the cave or later, on whatever planet we fled to. I didn't realize she meant in whatever afterlife there might be." She keeps her voice carefully quiet so no one else can overhear, but Cassian is right there, her voice doesn't need to carry far. "Please, keep it."

Edited 2017-07-31 07:24 (UTC)

As soon as she denies it a second time, he knows there's no fighting her on this, but it worries him if only because he doesn't know how else to help her. He's stuck on the fact that he can't smother that urge.

But she talks about her mother and he swallows. It's more pieces of her and her past that he doesn't want because he doesn't have the room if she's just going to leave again. Her voice is quiet for only him, and that makes it feel even heavier. It's like a private conversation, the kind he used to hoard every time she opened up to him because it made him feel good. Trustworthy. It's not a strictly good feeling now because he's - confused, maybe. Uncertain.

"If that's what you want," is all he says, and he tucks the crystal gently back into his pocket carefully. The quiet settles between them, taking up the awkward space. "We have some time before we land. You should rest. Or eat." A beat. "We all should."

Jyn slowly nods, murmuring a quiet "yeah" of agreement she doesn't really agree with -- what little appetite she had vanished with her father's message and dried up entirely when Saw...

She forces that away, trying to escape the thoughts entirely, but it leaves her only with thoughts of Cassian and that's almost worse. She can't do anything and wants to do something, anything, to make herself feel like she's important even in the smallest scheme of things but she knows that she really isn't.

Quickly, she presses up on her tiptoes and darts in to kiss Cassian's cheek. "Thank you, for coming back for me. I know you didn't have to."

Edited 2017-08-01 04:39 (UTC)

It's not a real agreement, but it's not one he's going to argue with. He might have once. He looked after her that way, like she did him, and standing right here with her it feels like it'd be easy to return to the habit.

To say he wasn't expecting her to kiss his cheek is an understatement. He's startled by it in a very obvious way, mouth opening in surprise. On an instinct he thought was buried, his arm scooped up under her elbow to help her keep her balance when she leant up, and it stays there even after she says thank you.

It hurts as much as it keeps confusing him. Cassian is so starved for affection, and Jyn used to give it so freely to him. "You're welcome," falls out of his mouth, almost a question. He's not doing a very good job keeping his mask up right now. "I wasn't - I would not have left you there."

Jyn needs to stop.

She needs to stop and back away and let Cassian move on with his life with the doctor she'd dreamed up for him, to be happy and fulfilled and safe with someone that isn't her because she'd made him unhappy with her selfishness.

But she can't. She is selfish and she doesn't think she's stupid anymore. She just watched her father die and she's going to find the other that she'd spent her whole like thinking was a bastard traitor who abandoned her because he cared more about the Empire than his daughter. She's lost so much, she wants to hold on to the one good thing in her life and Cassian was always the best.

It all happens so fast, too fast, it could almost be called an accident. Jyn's hand curls around the back of his neck, fingers cold as always as they get caught in his hair, the weight of her presses against him, and then she's kissing him, eyes squeezed shut. It could be an accident. She slipped and landed on his mouth, with her mouth.

She kisses him. It's a memory come to life and there's too much surprise to stamp any of it out. Cassian knows he should push her away, should pull her hand away, should berate her for doing this to him.

Instead he finds himself kissing her back, like no time at all has passed. He's taller now, and their bodies don't fit the same way, but his hands find her waist and readjust. They were always like that, always quick to figure each other out. His chest aches but he kisses her eagerly, unable to breakaway no matter how much is brain is screaming at him that it's a mistake.

Jyn always did have that effect on him. She stepped on his logic and smiled and apparently that hasn't gone away given how quickly he gave in, how quickly his hands cling to keep her close.

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