ohnofeelstho | i am glad it cannot happen twice, the fever of first love. for it is a fever, and a burden, too

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i am glad it cannot happen twice, the fever of first love. for it is a fever, and a burden, too

♪ satellite -- guster feat. the guster string players

The Alliance had rescued her from prison and she supposes she should have been grateful but she'd felt a certain kind of glee when she'd heard the crunch of Melshi's ribs under the shovel she'd swung at him. She knew the second he stepped into view that they were Alliance and they were here for her, however clearly unsanctioned, but that didn't mean she was going to go without a fight. If he couldn't come rescue her his damn self...

It's been four years since she ran away from the Alliance. There was always too many questions: about Saw and Steela Gerrera -- as if she was old enough to answer anything about Steela Gerrera, about Jyn herself, about why she was left behind by the Partisans. She didn't fit in with the Alliance and their stupid little soldier got too close and she ran because she was terrified he would leave her. She ran and changed her name and changed it again and changed it again and forgot that he knew all her aliases and habits and tells. Of course he would find her.

Now she's back with the Alliance and no one will tell her why and no one will tell her where the hell Cassian Jeron Andor is, but they are all sure to tell her that he's a Captain now -- youngest in the Alliance! -- and she should address him as such.

Her middle finger gets tired from being used so much.

Her fists, still shackled, slam against the table. "I'm a prisoner of the Empire, you don't have any right to keep me here against my will!" Maybe she's yelling to no one, but she is positive there is someone outside listening to her so they can relay any information to their captain. He did like knowing things, though she is surprised he is letting them keep her in chains when he knows how much she hates the feeling. Maybe it's an oversight. Maybe he's changed. "Let me out of here!"

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He makes sure to move a few good steps away from her before pulling the coat on, though he doesn't fasten it up yet. He steals a glance at her, without looking away immediately this time.

"Just because they're hidden well doesn't mean I cannot reach them as I need to."

And he is definitely bringing his blaster, among other weapons. His holster is already on.

Jyn chews on her bottom lip, debating what would happen if she asked for a further weapon. She knows she is more than capable of fighting with blunt force weapons, but she also knows the kind of firepower Saw works with and she honestly doesn't relish walking into that with just two sticks. Especially since she's not supposed to start a fight so she can't just knock someone out and take their weapon.

In the end she doesn't ask, head jerking in a nod as she moves to sit down and lace up her boots again. "Sounds like a plan."

It's a strange stilted dialogue that feels wrong, even though he knows the banter would probably just annoy him, like an attempt at normalcy neither of them has earned.

He feels better, with his own outburst, but it doesn't mean he can be normal again.

As he mulls over every weapon he has on him, it makes him wary to leave Jyn only with the truncheons - it's just as dangerous for him without much backup, but it's hard to justify it. Instead, he just makes a note to bring an extra blaster, one he can toss to her only if absolutely necessary.

Precautionary, clearly.

"No, it doesn't," he says idly. "But none of this is much of a good plan to begin with. It's just the only one."

"To save my father." She looks up under the messy fringe of her hair, still in the same style she's favored since she was effectively orphaned on Lah'mu, testing the waters carefully. "Because otherwise the Alliance will kill him."

It's a question without being a question. She doesn't doubt that Cassian doesn't want her father assassinated because of her, but she doesn't understand why. Her father is a traitor, an Imperial scientist who has something to do with a weapon that is so dangerous it's being called a planetkiller. Even if he is her father...

Why.

"He's more useful alive."

It's not a lie, but it's not the entire truth. The moment the mission fell into his hands, he knew he wouldn't be able to do it. Even if it'd been four years, whatever he'd felt for Jyn had been too strong and the thought of assassinating her father had been like a cold blow. By all means, Galen Erso should be killed. Captain Cassian Andor is qualified to do it.

He knows she's asking why, but he can't bring himself to answer. Mostly because he doesn't really know why he's doing it this way. Jyn left him, and he shouldn't have cared.

Yet here they are. He hates attachments, sometimes. "Some people do not think so."

"He's a traitor," she says quietly, like she's trying to remind herself of that. She'd turned her back on the rebellion when it (Saw) turn its back on her, but she didn't run to the Empire. Imperial death troopers had killed her mother right in front of her, right in front of him! How could he turn his back on the freedom her mother wanted so much to join the empire hell bent on crushing that freedom.

But then, he'd left her, too. Maybe it wasn't so hard to him to do.

"If they want him dead, what'll they do when you bring him back?" Not if -- when, because Jyn knows Cassian is capable of anything he puts his mind to. She always had more faith in him than in herself.

"Whatever insight he has on the weapon will be important enough an asset. When I bring him back -"

He stops, because it's not like everyone is expecting Galen Erso to be killed. Most of high command would prefer him to come back alive too; it's just Cassian's boss who says otherwise.

Draven is not going to be happy, but Cassian knew that before he even left Yavin 4. He even understand's Draven's perspective, and maybe if he hadn't known Jyn, it'd be different.

But he doesn't really want to tell her that.

"They can deliberate. They seem quite fond of doing so."

"And if you bring me back?" Admittedly, she wasn't even eighteen when she ran away from Cassian and, by default, the Alliance itself, but she did still run away from it all the same.

Funny how saving her traitor father was a when, but bringing Jyn back with him turned into an if.

Funny.

She straightens up from her boots, knots her fingers together in her lap so she won't try to reach for her necklace again. Her knuckles turn white almost immediately, nerves and fidgety eagerness to be someplace else getting the best of her. Even if she doesn't like sand and deserts, she's never been to Jedha and the novelty of a new planet has never worn off for her, even if she packs it down deep and it's only obvious to people that know her well.

He stiffens, faintly, and immediately shifts his gaze towards K2 in the cockpit under the guise of adjusting his coat and blaster. Galen is a when because Cassian will drag him back unconscious if necessary. Jyn was always an if because he never wanted to use that sort of coercion on her. She's always been an if, when he really thinks about it.

"I'm not going to force you to stay places you don't want to be, once the mission is finished."

Cassian believes her that she'll stay until he says and until he returns the crystal, but he still doesn't really believe she wants to stay. Not for long. Not with him. He's still trying to figure out the whole crystal situation to begin with.

"Unless you are talking about the Alliance. They're not going to court marshal you should you step food on a base once more."

She wants to say 'I know' because she does know that he wouldn't force her to stay anywhere against her will, but the words sort of dry up on her tongue and she says nothing at all.

Her head jerks in a nod.

He's a little relieved she doesn't press it, even if now he's thinking about what happens after Jedha. After they find her father, wherever he is. He wonders what would happen, if she really did stay. And then he berates himself, because it's a stupid wonder.

"We should get to Jedha soon."

"Approximately ten minutes. Final preparations engaged."

"Okay." Another nod and she offers a tiny, fleeting ghost of a smile. What would be a smile if it weren't Jyn's somber mouth and if it weren't directed at Cassian who deserves that handsome doctor she'd imagined for him.

She settles back in the seat, peering out the window into the darkness as her hands unlock to absently strap herself in finally. Eventually, in ten minutes, she's sure she will see the planet and the moon they're aiming for come into view but she can look out into space for now. She's always loved hyperspace.

Cassian can recognize what might have been a smile and tires to pretend it doesn't feel like something of an ache. Instead, he turns back towards the cockpit, ready to go back to being the copilot as they descend towards Jedha.

He can deal with this. He knew what he was getting into when he first starting making the plan for this mission, and they might have touched on what happened, but it's not going to deter anything. It can't. Saw Gerrera awaits and Jyn is the key. She wouldn't even be here if he hadn't forced her hand after Wobani.

The ship soars out of hyperspace a little roughly, and it's not long before they begin the descent towards Jedha. It'd be far easier to land in the city port, but it's too much of a risk, so when they hit ground on the moon, it's a ways away in the middle of the desert, empty of any sign of life save the city in the distance.

He takes a deep breath and closes his eyes, powering down the ship while K2 mutters some sort of probability beside him. The defector. Saw Gerrera. One step at a time.

Jyn leaps up from her seat and hits the door to throw herself into the fresh air, immediately squinting into the sun and almost choking on the chilled air, coughs stifled behind her hand. Cold deserts drive her mad, there is something unnatural about it.

Once she's outside though, her steps slow because she can't escape her wonder at a new world -- she's never been to Jedha.

"Captain? What're these ruins?" Something prickles at the back of her mind as she comes around the ship to look toward the city on the horizon, some unformed thought she can't quite form.

There is something odd about hearing Jyn call him Captain. Most people do, it's not a surprise she takes it up, and he should be glad for it. But it feels - wrong, somehow. Not that he will ever bring it up.

K2 follows them off the ship, and Cassian looks off where she's looking. It's bright and cold, which is generally an annoying combination, but he is unfortunately used to dealing with various kinds of planet climates. He starts making sure his pack is secure at the same time.

"Jedha City used to be sacred to the jedi. Kyber crystals were abundant, but the Empire has put a stop to that."

She's only calling him Captain because she doesn't feel like she's allowed to call him Cassian. She's demoted herself and taken away that privilege until she can earn it back, which she doubts is possible. They'll get the pilot and her father and stop this weapon and then he'll give her mother's necklace back and she'll be on her way and it'll be fine. It'll be his choice then and it'll be fine.

Fine.

Her hand flutters to touch her necklace again before she remembers, again, that she hasn't got it and she turns back to Cassian like she's being pulled by gravity, eyes wide. "Jedi?" She knows they're all gone, exterminated, but she can't help the fascination still. Her mother had loved the jedi.

EVERYTHING IS SUPER FINE FOREVER.

He notices the way her hand floats to touch the necklace currently in his possession, because Cassian notices everything, and he always noticed everything about Jyn. He resists the urge to touch it in his own pocket.

The look on her face is earnestly curious, the sort of thing he used to be able to pull out of her when she wasn't drowning in thoughts of Saw or her father. "None of them exist anymore, obviously, but their lightsabers made use of the crystals. Jedha used to be a pilgrimage site. Supposedly."

It's almost cruel how all of this reminds her of her parents. Her father and Saw for obvious reasons, but her mother should remain a closed book but here they are in a place she knows her mother would have loved to see. A pilgrimage site full of the crystals that were a strange staple of her childhood, for a people and religion her mother believed in so whole-heartedly.

How unfair that Lyra Erso never got the see this place.

How unfair that Jyn has to face all of this at once. She thinks she probably deserves the reminders of her own abandonments, all things considered.

Her head dips in a nod, thoughtful, before she turns away again, folding her arms over her chest like a protective hug. Drowning again. "I'm ready to get this over with when you are."

She's getting lost in some sort of thought, and he knows what he might have done in comfort once upon a time. Instead he just waits, pulling the backpack over his shoulder.

He blinks over the horizon, frowning. It's a bit of a walk, but not too bad; he's had worse, and so has Jyn. They'd purposely chosen the location with that in mind. He turns to K2 first. "Remember what I said. You need to stay with the ship. We may need to make a quick getaway."

K2 huffs out another dramatic sigh, but agrees, mumbling to himself as he walks back on board. Cassian wishes he didn't hate the sight of it against the backdrop of him and Jyn left alone. "Let's go," he says, flat and authoritative, like there is absolutely nothing abnormal about this mission. "We'll have to walk in to the city."

Jyn nods and silently sets off after Cassian. It's not a far walk. Well, it's nothing they can't handle. She winces at her own unbidden thoughts of they, shoving her hands the pockets of her borrowed jacket for wont of some other fidgety action to dispel her excess of energy. Maybe the walk will calm her down.

Sure, walking however many miles in the cold sand with Cassian next to her is going to calm her down.

SEEMS LIKELY.

She keeps her mouth shut though, because anything she says will be sure to lead to some kind of fight or argument and she hates herself enough already, she doesn't need more reminders that Cassian hates her, too. Get to the city, get to Saw, get the pilot, get out. It'll be fine as long as she doesn't open her mouth.

this conversation - the submarines
Cassian is more than used to extended silence on missions. K2 likes to talk, but K2 doesn't often come with him when subtly is life or death. The silence he anticipates on this walk with Jyn isn't a comfortable one. He suspects it's going to feel like hours. He's walked in silence with contacts before, with rescues and pick-ups and prisoners, but none of them have ever been a Jyn.

He can feel her with him even when she's not in his direct line of sight. To distract himself, he runs over the mantra of the mission over and over, despite how much he's already memorized it. Saw Gerrera is unpredictable, and even though Cassian has already run through dozens of scenarios for dozens of confrontations, it doesn't stop him from trying to come up with more - but at least now they include Jyn. He doesn't want to admit how much having her crystal reassures him.

The air is cold, and so is the sand, but the distance between them even though they're physically close is even colder. Jedha City is too far away, no matter how much the outline of the city grows as they walk towards it. His shoulders are stiff and he walks like he would on any other mission, with any other person.

There are a few times he opens his mouth, like he wants to speak, but he catches himself. Even a casual comment feels too dangerous, with nothing else around them to intervene should it go southward.

Besides, what could he possibly say right now to someone who broke his heart? He's locked up his feelings tight since she left, and he has no intention of letting them out again.

Edited 2017-03-26 00:06 (UTC)

Without conversation, Jyn's mind wanders. It's always been like that -- she's so single-minded that time to think of anything other than however she is going to survive the day let's her mind run rampant with idle thought and elaborate fantasies that always seem to upset her more than they should. Her father is a traitor, Saw abandoned her, and yet she can't help thinking about rushing back into their arms.

No.

While she walks in silence next to Cassian, stomach roiling from being so close and so tense, she imagines finally getting a chance to scream and rage and hurt the men that had both left her when they had promised not to. She imagines them telling her why they left and the crush of hurt and loss from the reasons she's made up feels like everything she deserves. Even her imagination can't damage her self-worth because she already has none to speak of.

She tells herself she won't be the first to talk, that she will let Cassian break the silence, but the Imperial ships flying away from the city to the huge starship plunging them into a sudden freezing shade as they come into the edges of the city pulls words from her anyway. "How many troopers do you think they have on the ground?" The ship is massive... they could have overrun the entire city and Jyn isn't exactly meant to be out of her jail cell. Well, Liana isn't. She adjusts the scarf to shade her face more, covering cheeks pink with cold.

Edited 2017-03-26 01:02 (UTC)

He finds himself idly wondering what she might be thinking about, before pushing it from his mind. It's hard enough keeping this close, knowing they're going to be working so close - he doesn't need to wonder.

When she finally breaks the silence, Cassian has to admit he's relieved for the kind of question. It's fact and numbers and easy to answer and has nothing to do with either of them. "There's been an increase over the last few weeks. We haven't been able to get the exact number, because it fluctuates." He squints towards the walls of the city increasingly looming above them. "The Destroyers tend to have over 9,000 troopers on board. I imagine at least half have disembarked to join the others already stationed in the city."

Jyn swears quietly, frowning at the city. At least half is still upwards of four thousand and that is too many for her sense of comfort, far too many. She pushes out a huff of a sigh before her shoulders straighten.

"Not the best odds we've ever had," she admits, but her tone is laced with a firm resolve. She refuses anything but the possibility that they will get this over an done with.

There's that we again, which Cassian promptly tries to ignore - especially with this context of implying the past. Every time one of them says it, the feeling gets worse.

"We're pilgrims, simply visiting the holy city of Jedha." His tone is completely matter of fact. Almost too stately. He's even got some fake documents to prove it, should they be stopped. "Even under Imperial Occupation, it is not uncommon for people to make the pilgrimage. I suspect if the Empire disallowed it, more of the population would be fighting back alongside the Partisans. Despite the odds versus the Stormtroopers, I think the Partisans may prove more of a concern for us."

Edited 2017-03-27 19:48 (UTC)

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