ohnofeelstho | i am glad it cannot happen twice, the fever of first love. for it is a fever, and a burden, too

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i am glad it cannot happen twice, the fever of first love. for it is a fever, and a burden, too

♪ satellite -- guster feat. the guster string players

The Alliance had rescued her from prison and she supposes she should have been grateful but she'd felt a certain kind of glee when she'd heard the crunch of Melshi's ribs under the shovel she'd swung at him. She knew the second he stepped into view that they were Alliance and they were here for her, however clearly unsanctioned, but that didn't mean she was going to go without a fight. If he couldn't come rescue her his damn self...

It's been four years since she ran away from the Alliance. There was always too many questions: about Saw and Steela Gerrera -- as if she was old enough to answer anything about Steela Gerrera, about Jyn herself, about why she was left behind by the Partisans. She didn't fit in with the Alliance and their stupid little soldier got too close and she ran because she was terrified he would leave her. She ran and changed her name and changed it again and changed it again and forgot that he knew all her aliases and habits and tells. Of course he would find her.

Now she's back with the Alliance and no one will tell her why and no one will tell her where the hell Cassian Jeron Andor is, but they are all sure to tell her that he's a Captain now -- youngest in the Alliance! -- and she should address him as such.

Her middle finger gets tired from being used so much.

Her fists, still shackled, slam against the table. "I'm a prisoner of the Empire, you don't have any right to keep me here against my will!" Maybe she's yelling to no one, but she is positive there is someone outside listening to her so they can relay any information to their captain. He did like knowing things, though she is surprised he is letting them keep her in chains when he knows how much she hates the feeling. Maybe it's an oversight. Maybe he's changed. "Let me out of here!"

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She doesn't disagree, letting him drag her around wherever he needs her to be while she coaxes her temper back into check. It is not an easy task when her emotions feel like they've had a shot of adrenaline and extra amphetamines.

Eventually she repeats herself, "I'm fine", and it's slightly more true.

It sounds more true, and because they're still pretty close from all the shuffling and walking and maneuvering, he can tell some of the tension really has drained out of her. He loosens his grip, but keeps his arm through hers for a little longer, not thinking about touching her and just focusing on the mission. Finding his contact. Tossing her name out.

"Don't pick fights," he says, mild, and he knows it was barely a fight, and that the other person was just as likely to engage or start the confrontation, but it bears reminding anyway.

"I'm not!" She wasn't! Mostly. She sort of wasn't. No, she bristles up, she wasn't trying to pick a fight and she is a little annoyed he is implying she would.

When she usually, absolutely, always picks a fight.

Like she is doing right now, with Cassian.

He gives her A Look. It's instinctual; a sign of how little she's changed in that regard, and he hates that the familiarity is a comfort and a sting.

"You almost did, and you're doing so again right now."

"I didn--" She cuts herself off, hands balling into tiny little fists before she releases them. "I won't pick any fights. Even with you."

Which feels necessary to add specifically all on it's own.

He's not sure he believes her, but at least it's born out of how ready to fight all the time she is and not out of mistrust. She even balls her fists up like she's about to argue.

"I'll believe that when I see it. Or I suppose when I don't see it."

He's also still holding her arm and should probably let go soon. They're on a quieter street now, but he wants to wait a few more seconds to be sure. "Remember, we don't want Stormtrooper attention."

"I got it. Tranquilo como un ratón, capitán." Jyn can do quiet if she tries hard and believes in herself. She'll have to try harder to make up for how much she doesn't believe in herself.

"What do you want me to do while you meet your contact?"

He can at the very least make sure she stays close enough that he can intercept any fights.

His answer is related though. "I want you to stay close by. If we're lucky, maybe you can stay with me and then they will know you are real. If not, they will probably want to see you as soon as I drop your name regardless."

"Yeah, to kill me." That is meant to be far quieter (as in silent) and less... resigned, but. Jyn isn't expecting to be greeted with open arms at any point during this mission. The Partisans, Saw, her father.

Cassian.

She isn't exactly the prodigal daughter returning anywhere. But her lips purse once it's out and she adds: "Sorry. That wasn't constructive."

He frowns, faintly, though it's not really a surprising response from her.

"I'm not going to let them kill you."

Cassian still doesn't know what his feelings are doing, the ache and frustrations surrounding his reunion with Jyn, but he doesn't want her dead. "But it's not a claim I can make without some kind of proof."

"The proof is in your pocket." Jyn Erso is never without that crystal, she'd punched enough rebels over it. "I was sixteen when-- That was almost six years ago, Cassian, if anyone is still around who remembers me, they'll remember that, too."

That doesn't mean she is unwilling to go with him or near him, nothing in her tone implies that because she still trusts her life in his hands, but it makes it no less true. The crystal is proof enough, though honestly she's rather get riddled with blaster fire than watch someone try to snatch is out of his hands so.

"I'll stay close."

His hand moves, like it's going to touch the crystal, but he stops and drops his arm quickly. The kyber crystal is proof of so many things, too many things, and there's a part of Cassian that would like to keep it hidden and safe no matter what - but he knows he would take it out, if Saw asked.

"All we need is one person to remember you." Saw, obviously, but he's wary about using the man's name outright. "I will show it if I need to, but I won't hand it over."

He doesn't know why the reassurance slips out. But he remembers her, barely over sixteen and fresh away from the Partisans, angry and scared and bristling to fight anyone who even looked at her.

Not a lot has changed since then, except the harder lines in her face and probably more scars. She's older now, and maybe better at hiding it, but she's just as angry.

He bristles now, annoyed with himself. "From what we've gathered, your name will be enough to at least draw the right attention. You do not look so different that he will not recognize your face."

Cassian is not an emotional creature, he's always been so much better at concealing his emotions than she is and so the tiniest hint of emotion from him is huge. It makes her feel a little ill and a little hopeful at the same time. She always used to get such a giddy rush from poking cracks in his facade, pulling smiles and laughter from him when they were hiding in her cramped bunk or at more inappropriate times like in the middle of the mess hall or tucked into a corner of the hanger or sitting in the pilot's seat of the U-Wing... rein it in, Erso.

At least he isn't indifferent.

She doesn't point out any of that, knowing better and somehow finding the self-control to not ask him outright if he hates her. "Yeah. I'll go wherever you want me to go."

He tries to pretend her words don't make him think of a much happier time, when she could and would say something similar with a smile on her face. He used to strive to make her smile. It used to be so easy to let his guard down with her, to feel light. Sometimes he misses it. Mostly he tells himself it was a fluke and he let himself risk too much.

"Just - stay close for now." Cassian feels like they're just reassuring each other over and over but if he stops, they'll either welcome back the silence or more awkward small talk. He can't decide which of the three is the worst option. He needs to stop telling her to stay close. He can't believe how agreeable she's being right now. Too many bouncing thoughts.

"We're almost there. Don't talk to anyone. Don't get distracted."

There are too many people here out to swindle pilgrims and tourists, and Cassian would rather they not fall into that part of the role - not that either of them are likely to be tricked, but the point. "We have to hope for this chance."

She nods, short and fast and coaxes her expression into something determined, tries to ignore her own uncomfortable and ultimately pointless hope. Telling herself that it doesn't matter how she feels is easy because she's been doing it ever since Saw pulled her out of the hole on Lah'mu.

She stays silent only because the urge to ask him if he hates her is so strong she knows she won't be able to keep it at bay a second time and that is irrelevant. She has no right to ask after his feelings to make herself feel better, she has no right to ask anything of him. She mentally scolds herself with this reminder -- she left him, nothing that she feels matters now.

And so she nods and stays close and says nothing, trying very hard to focus on the task at hand. She makes a mess of everything, but she can hope she won't make a mess of this one thing.

He can't decide whether to take her silence as a good sign or a bad sign. Instead of dwelling, he just takes it as a temporary blessing as he starts to move again, slipping through Jedha with a new alertness. The tensions are higher than he realized, the reports falling short, and he'd like to find his contact before there's any sort of skirmish.

Vendors and tricksters alike call out to them, but Cassian is good at ignoring them, just like he's good at ignoring his feelings. Just like he's good at ignoring the familiarity in moving through the streets with her, the way he brushes against her back to push her in the right direction, the way he tugs on her arm to pull her out of the way of traffic, the way she presses into him when they need to squeeze through tight alleys or between crowds. He's wearing his fluffy coat, but he still feels like every point of contact is burning him like an ache. So much for keeping the space between them.

They duck into a tiny alcove and he frowns, looking it over and looking for a familiar face amid the hustlers around them. "They should be here, or at least close," he mumbles.

Jyn peers around him back out toward the marketplace, stomach twisting with hunger. She should have eaten at the outpost because the smells here are almost too much. She should have eaten at the outpost simply because she doesn't remember when she last ate one of Wobani's disgusting protein slugs. It takes great effort to drag her focus from the dough frying a few stalls away in red swirls.

"It's me," she reasons absently, tilting her chin up to look at him. "They don't know you have me so I look like some untrustworthy variable." Her eyebrows quirk up briefly as if admitting they're not all wrong and simultaneously admitting she knows Cassian isn't going to contradict her. "We have to split up." Gesturing to another stall with a vat of something bubbly and steamy and making Jyn's mouth water cooking away over a small flame, she reaches up to push the scarf back from her face so whomever his contact is can see her face, even if it makes her fidget with unease. "I'll be right there."

But she isn't going until Cassian agrees with her.

He looks down at her almost in unison to her looking up and he hates it. He also hates that she's probably right, and hates even more that he didn't realize it first. He doesn't hate her though, which would probably make things easier.

Cassian grits his teeth, then sighs. "Do not leave this area." He didn't miss the way she looked around at all the food either, and it occurs to him that he hadn't noticed whether or not she'd eaten anything while there - not that she had the hands free for it. "Pretend you're interested in the local cuisine. That's what a pilgrim would do."

It's a matter-of-fact comment, with no sign he's noticed she might be hungry.

"Pretend," she hums in agreement, tiniest lift of her eyebrows an admission that she knows he knows and she is silently grateful he is giving her an excuse to linger near the food and maybe... steal some.

"I'll be right there," she repeats, reaching out to briefly squeeze his arm through his jacket before she turns in a whirl of her scarf and slips back into the crowds in the market. Almost as if by habit, Jyn makes sure she keeps herself in his line of sight as she loiters around the food stalls. (Or keeps him in her line of sight, one of the two.)

A few years ago, he might have smiled, out of the way she looks at him and the way he knows there is absolutely no pretending. But it's clearly better to avoid acknowledging it at all. "Don't steal and get us caught."

Cassian finds himself startled again when she squeezes his arm, even if - also again - there's no sign of it as she disappears towards the food. Even though he has the crystal, it still makes him nervous, that she might decide to try and leave anyway. He taps his coat where it's hidden and just - trusts. Not in her so much as her attachment to the crystal.

It helps that she stays in his line of sight, and it helps the situation that she's left him, because it's barely a few minutes later that he finds one of his contacts and shares a hurried conversation, about Saw and Jedha as a whole, confirming all his suspicions about the state of the city.

He slips behind Jyn and grabs her arm without thinking, ducking in. She's speaking to some of the locals, but he doesn't seem to care about interrupting anything. "Making friends?"

With - the Guardians of the Whills, apparently.

"He knows about my necklace," Jyn answers, tilt of her chin almost defiant, but tinged with discomfort only Cassian would notice as she jerks her head toward the strange man with the milky white eyes that clearly mark him as blind.

The man's expression seemed to have lit up by Cassian's presence and Jyn's mouth slanted into a frown. She understood the impulse, at least. His hulking partner, even seemed a little amused by Cassian's presence and all that combined took her off guard enough to twist away and almost into Cassian, spell broken by Cassian's presence.

"The strongest stars have hearts of Kyber," came called after her as she whirled away from the pair, all but shoving Cassian back onto the street away from Chirrut Imwe and his partner, as if she can outrun her past. Let's go, boyfriend.

Er. You know.

Cassian frowns too, though a lot more subtly. When Jyn moves towards him, it's instinct to reach for her arm. When she starts to shove him away, he moves with it and pulls her along, reminding himself that this is Jedha and the touching is going to keep happening. It's the nature of the beast. The very explosive beast.

"How did they know?" His question isn't harsh, but it's curt, which isn't aimed at her so much as anxious as to how they knew when it wasn't even on her person. "They are the Guardians of the Whills, with nothing left to guard. Most likely trying to swindle you."

"Swindle me of my crystal I don't even have?" Another question no one has the answer for unless they turn around to ask. But Chirrut had asked for payment, teasing, so Jyn doesn't sound like she disagrees. Still, she didn't feel like they were trying to fleece her.

Her head tips up to look at him, silently passing him a crispy red cookie coated in sugar crystals. "How'd it go on your end?"

"Out of anything they can get." He still doesn't like how they knew the crystal was on him, but short of backtracking to ask, he's never going to get the answer because he's not going back. (He would be very annoyed to know they were thinking the same thing.)

Cassian takes the cookie without thinking and then gets mad at himself for falling into the ease of the gesture. "We need to hurry. Can you feel it? The tension in this town - it's going to blow, soon. But I have a location."

"Alright, let's go." No use wasting time and Jyn knows the tension she feels isn't just the town, it's rolling off Cassian, too. She's sure that roughly 70% of it is her fault and she briefly wishes that K2 had joined them to act as a buffer so that she wouldn't keep falling into easy habits with Cassian.

It's been four years, she shouldn't still be acting like it's been four minutes.

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