i am glad it cannot happen twice, the fever of first love. for it is a fever, and a burden, too

[realists]

♪ satellite -- guster feat. the guster string players

The Alliance had rescued her from prison and she supposes she should have been grateful but she'd felt a certain kind of glee when she'd heard the crunch of Melshi's ribs under the shovel she'd swung at him. She knew the second he stepped into view that they were Alliance and they were here for her, however clearly unsanctioned, but that didn't mean she was going to go without a fight. If he couldn't come rescue her his damn self...

It's been four years since she ran away from the Alliance. There was always too many questions: about Saw and Steela Gerrera -- as if she was old enough to answer anything about Steela Gerrera, about Jyn herself, about why she was left behind by the Partisans. She didn't fit in with the Alliance and their stupid little soldier got too close and she ran because she was terrified he would leave her. She ran and changed her name and changed it again and changed it again and forgot that he knew all her aliases and habits and tells. Of course he would find her.

Now she's back with the Alliance and no one will tell her why and no one will tell her where the hell Cassian Jeron Andor is, but they are all sure to tell her that he's a Captain now -- youngest in the Alliance! -- and she should address him as such.

Her middle finger gets tired from being used so much.

Her fists, still shackled, slam against the table. "I'm a prisoner of the Empire, you don't have any right to keep me here against my will!" Maybe she's yelling to no one, but she is positive there is someone outside listening to her so they can relay any information to their captain. He did like knowing things, though she is surprised he is letting them keep her in chains when he knows how much she hates the feeling. Maybe it's an oversight. Maybe he's changed. "Let me out of here!"

Comments

[evasives]

"No you're not. Wash your face."

He thinks he should have taken the cuffs off and let her sleep a tiny bit better. He knows he's going to now at any rate, at the very least before they land on Jedha. Even without wanting an extra defense in her free hands, Cassian does not think showing up to a Saw Gerrera meet and greet with Jyn Erso in handcuffs would go particularly well.

He does wish K2 hadn't found her. A very impossible wish, since the mission has now decreased to just the three of them with Melshi out of commission.

"I'll meet you at the ship."

And he leaves for the hangar, trying to shake K2's mild words from his head. It could have been far worse. It probably will get worse, and he can only hope to interrupt the droid first.

[realists]

"Okay." She's going to lose half her vocabulary at this rate.

Part of her wants to ignore him and leave herself as is. It turns out to be a bigger part and she gives in to her petty impulses, stopping at the bathroom to pee again and reapply eyeliner that she always mysteriously has. She frowns at herself in the mirror, pale and fragile looking and about to turn twenty two. She doesn't feel any different but maybe that will change. She wonders, idly, if Cassian remembers her birthday.

By the time she makes it to the hanger she has a scarf draped over her hair and looped around her neck and that's the only change. Jedha is cold, if she remembers correctly and she hasn't got a proper jacket like Cassian's fluffy one of old so the scarf will have to do and she'll have to hope it's as mild a day as the droid's complaints.

She steps on to the ship without invitation when she sees K2 moving on and off it and drops down into a seat against the wall, waiting.

[evasives]

Cassian notices when she boards the ship, both because he's always aware of his surroundings, but apparently he's still very aware of Jyn when she enters a room too. He doesn't quite watch her go inside, but he's bristling enough that K2 sighs dramatically next to him while he runs over one last thing with his crew in the hangar.

He climbs on board the ship with K2 right behind him, closing the hatch. It feels like he's sealing in all the tension, so naturally the best thing to do is to keep ignoring it and move towards the cockpit, sparing only a cursory glance at Jyn. "We're taking off as soon as we're cleared."

She's going to be cold in just the scarf, and he wonders if any of the extra clothes stored on the ship will be useful to her. There might be another jacket.

K2 is still and uncharacteristically quiet while he stares at Jyn in her seat, before Cassian calls out for him and he follows his reprogrammer into the pilots' seats. He runs over the control statistics, before immediately switching into something else, almost like he's trying to catch Cassian off guard. "I still maintain she is going to leave as soon as the opportunity presents itself. We should not allow her to be on her own once we reach Jedha."

"That does not even fit into the plan, K2. Prepare to drive please."

[realists]

"I can hear you," Jyn reminds the droid in a sweet, sing-song voice that only speaks to the fidgety irritation she can't voice because it's not like K2 doesn't have a point. If their roles were reversed she would be twice as harsh, if not more, and she definitely wouldn't hesitate to remind him at every possible moment that he'd left.

She can't blame him for doing the same to her.

Especially because it's true. She's spent the last four years running from her biggest mistake, running away is how she copes. Or doesn't cope. Semantics. And he's right that she's itching to run this time, too.

Instead she hooks her ankle around a strap on the floor because she can't hold on to the seat with her hands restrained and she can't buckle into the harness either. She stubbornly refuses to complain. Lift off and the jump to hyperspace are all she really needs to hold on for, it'll be fine probably. She'll deal.

[evasives]

"I know. I wanted you to hear."

Cassian's life is long suffering. He closes his eyes for a moment, then focuses on the lift off. It helps to be in the pilot's chair, with the familiarity of the controls under his hands. This ship doesn't go anywhere without his say. It doesn't leave without warning.

They soar off the base easily, and K2 announces all the calculations as they just to hyperspace, the ship rocking a normal amount with it. Once they're there, it's easy to keep calm despite how fast they're moving, and Cassian adjusts to prepare for eventual autopilot.

There are so many things he thinks he could say to Jyn, and very few of them are kind. But Cassian knows if he does, he jeopardizes the mission, and he refuses to risk it on a girl who left him carelessly. The Rebellion is all he has.

At least he feels better about removing her cuffs on board the ship. It's not like she could take out the both of them at once and steal it. K2's constant reiteration that she'll leave again is just hammering it in and making him believe it more.

[realists]

Deciding not to engage K2 further, Jyn settles in to silently wait out the trip, eyes closed for most of it until she hears Cassian moving toward her and her eyes snap open, following his movements carefully. It's almost wary but there's no fear. It's more like apprehension.

Her fingers twist around her wrists the second they're free, borne more of a desire to rid herself of the feeling of being restrained than any actual physical discomfort. She's been in and out of cuffs so often lately her wrists seem permanently bruised, but being out of them finally sees the slightest drain in the tension of her shoulders.

"I won't leave until you have my father," she says quietly, so K2 can't interrupt her. "He's not on Jedha so." Saying don't worry about me seems stupid so she leaves it at that.

[evasives]

Cassian is careful as he unlocks the cuffs not to touch her, because he doesn't want to be reminded of the feeling. It doesn't stop his hands from being close enough to feel the warmth from her skin, but that alone kicks in another ward, another wall.

He's not sure if he would prefer K2 overhearing, because he doesn't know what he wants to say to that. Having the droid do most of the speaking lately has really been a crutch of avoidance.

"I wish I could believe you." Maybe her father is enough to get her to stay through Jedha. It probably depends on what's waiting for them with Saw, with the defector pilot. There were a lot of things he used to believe about Jyn, but he allowed himself to fall in too deeply only to be hurt for the risk, so the skepticism holds strong.

"Did you just uncuff her?" There's exasperation in the robotic tone.

He can't stop looking at her, even as he replies to K2. "She needs her hands on Jedha."

[realists]

It's too hard when he is this close and his comment feels like a slap. The sheen of unshed tears turns her eyes to sea glass, soft and cloudy and she looks away first, hating herself for the fragility -- the vulnerability -- he still brings out in her. She left, she should have moved on. She has no right to be upset anymore.

"You should have found a different way in." This is a bad idea. It's not a bad plan, but a plan centering on her and Cassian is doomed to fail. She doesn't feel sharp or prepared or ready, she feels weak.

[evasives]

His jaw tightens when she reacts like that, and he hates that his instinct is still to want to reach out to offer comfort. He doesn't, but the urge rolls through him

"There was no other way that did not result in your father's death." It's definitely still a terrible plan being with her right now, but he can't imagine the alternative. Cassian knows his dedication to the Rebellion would have had him pull the trigger if he'd done as told, which is something he knows he wouldn't have been able to deal with thanks to Jyn, so he took steps to avoid that.

Even if it meant seeing her again here and now. Some other rebel would have busted Jyn out and taken her to Jedha. With him is the only way Galen stays alive in the end.

It's probably a sign of softness, but he's pretending otherwise.

[realists]

She tries, and fails, to focus on other things. Any other thing will do but all she can think about is being in the same room with Cassian and how badly it hurts. She'd wanted this for him, she wanted him to thrive and grow and excel and be everything he wouldn't have been if she stuck around because he'd constantly be cleaning up her messes.

Youngest captain in the entire Alliance. He never would have had that if she hadn't left. She would tell him she's proud of him if she didn't think he would laugh at the sentiment.

Instead, because she was already cementing everything he has said to her thus far to memory to call upon when she misses him later, she remembers: "You said something about a weapon. What is it?"

[evasives]

Like most missions, Cassian relays the information to himself on repeat, to remind him to stay focused. It's harder to do so looking at Jyn, because she looks so miserable and he relates, even if there's no sign of it.

But he's a Captain. He's equipped to deal with this. Whatever he feels is irrelevant and he's used to burying that. He's especially used to trying to bury Jyn and the deep ache in his chest over what she'd done to him. He couldn't let it hold him back, so he did his best to ignore it - always always ignoring - but it may not have prepared him fully to deal with her now, because if he's honest, he's never properly dealt with it in the first place.

"They're calling it a planetkiller. There is little else we have so far, which is why it's important we succeed on Jedha."

[realists]

"A planetkiller."

It makes sense now, why they would want to kill her father, beyond his being an Imperial scientist. Galen Erso was a traitor. She stands up suddenly, paces away, debates the merits of throwing up directly on K2, resigns herself to merely feeling sick to her stomach instead of acting on it. Her father is a traitor.

Maybe being terrible is just a genetic trait.

Her palms press flat against the hull, head ducking a little as the chill of the metal seeps into her. She already feels cold down to her very bones, Jedha will be practically balmy in comparison. She swallows down the bile in her throat, shoves the memories over her father back into the box and shuts it closed for good. When she turns back, slow and calm, her face is a mask of indifference, even if her eyes give away the upset.

"I can't take you to Saw. I've never been to his base on Jedha. No one is going to believe who I am or why I want to see him and he's too damn paranoid to come out on his own." Cassian doesn't want a fight, but she knows he's going to get one. "We'll have to get caught which means we'll have to be hostile and then I will play nice so we don't get killed in the process. I know you don't trust me anymore but that's how it's going to go down whether you like it or not so we might as well plan for it."

We. She feels sick again.

[evasives]

He watches her pace and move and recognizes the restlessness in her that maybe should have been a sign that she was never going to stay. He was never going to be good enough to keep her around, no matter what he felt, or thought she felt too.

Like always, he does not move, preferring the stillness of himself to think and process anything.

"I have contacts on Jedha. The plan is to try and reach out to them, and hopefully at least gain access to the base by tossing your name around. I am not stupid enough to think we can just waltz in without getting shot at." He draws in a breath, because she used the word we, and because he's trying not to use this to vent out some of his anger at her. "Tensions between Saw's Rebels and the Imperials on Jedha are at an all time high. I would not walk myself into a situation like this without several possible plans. I'm not looking for a fight, but I am well aware that we're likely to get one anyway. I would not have uncuffed you otherwise."

[realists]

"I don't think you're stupid." Such a minor thing to clarify but it comes out before she even realizes and then she just feels, well, stupid.

As if her minor outburst hadn't even happened, she continues, clasping her uncuffed hands behind her as if keeping them away from him. In case he changes his mind.

"Alright." She doesn't mention that if he floats her name to a bunch of rebels currently skirmishing with Imperials and currently holding an Imperial pilot who has information about her father and weapon that kills planets, they might be inclined to shoot first and ask questions later, regardless of Saw's long ago affection for her. He's probably already planned for that. Maybe she is just an acceptable loss. "So we're walking into a war zone. Got it."

[evasives]

He opens his mouth, then closes it, the only bit of a hint that he's surprised to hear her say it so defensively. She's not supposed to be that way with him. She left.

But she ignores it, so naturally he does the same. He is trying to ignore a lot of things about Jyn Erso today, and he really hopes he doesn't reach a limit.

Saw abandoned Jyn, and Cassian saw firsthand what it did to her. It hasn't been long enough that she'd be unrecognizable to him, so Cassian has to hope that should her name get back to Saw, at the very least the Rebel leader would be curious - whether he trusts Jyn to be real or not is another story.

"A war zone we will not participate in unless absolutely necessary. The woman I hope to speak to is one of Saw's Rebels, a very distant tie. She will offer a better word of the exact nature of the situation before we decide how to proceed."

It's all very clinical sounding.

[realists]

There's that we again, like they're a team.

"We can't bring him." She jerks her head toward the cockpit. Unnecessary considering there's only three people on the ship anyway and she's certainly not talking about Cassian himself. "If they're fighting with Imperials he'll be a target before he can try to talk himself out of it and he obviously hasn't learned tact, yet."

She can insult and wish to protect at the same time.

[evasives]

"K2 was always going to stay with the ship."

That's why Melshi was supposed to come too, to be a buffer between him and Jyn just as much as having a third member to this party. There were other operatives capable, but none of them volunteered for this part - and Cassian wasn't about to order them to on an unsanctioned mission. Wherever they go is their choice, not his.

He is also very aware of Jyn's reasoning re: K2, and it's part of why K2 was never going to go. Cassian is not going to linger on the fact that they both had the same thought process. He loves his droid, but K2 doesn't know the meaning of subtle.

"I don't like that plan at all. Letting you go alone with Jyn is a bad idea. A very bad idea."

Cassian doesn't miss a beat. "And if you do not stay in the ship, what are our chances of a quick getaway?"

"33%."

"Exactly."

[realists]

As unable to help herself as before, Jyn blurts out, "I'd never let him get injured, K2."

Splitting hairs there because she'd let him get hurt, she'd probably hurt him herself when she'd left -- K2 said he was unhappy and that is enough to know she did some damage even if he doesn't seem to care now past her being a flight risk -- but she would never ever let him be physically injured, even if it meant she took the injury herself.

That is just facts.

[evasives]

Her outburst hangs in the air with only the hum of the ship echoing back to her. Cassian stares at her, with only the faintest trace of something uncomprehending. She sounds earnest and honest and he has no reason to disbelieve her - it just doesn't make any sense. She doesn't care about him.

But there's a difference between injury and hurt. It's not like he'd want her to be injured either.

"Insufficient data for analysis. I cannot confirm or deny if she is being facetious."

He looks away from her, because he doesn't want her to see the way his eyebrows scrunch together. He doesn't want to believe it because then it means she does still care for him, even a little bit. He doesn't want to deal with that.

"My concern is YOU hurting him, Jyn Erso. I am very aware humans can suffer injuries without physical manifestations."

Cassian stiffens and very briefly contemplates turning K2 off. "K2. Leave it."

[realists]

"No, Cassian, let him." It's almost a request, almost a plea. She'd prefer K2's intellectual summary of her failings as a human being to be jumbling around in her brain than the sudden realization that that was the first time she's said his first name in four years and it still rolls off her tongue like the most natural thing in the world.

She swallows past her own confusion and disquiet.

"What else could I possibly do that's worse than what I've already done?" Her voice wavers a little and she hates it but he didn't tell her to leave it and she probably wouldn't have anyway. She's always been terrible at taking orders.

[evasives]

It's the first time he's heard her say his name in years and he hates how it shoots straight through him. He tries not to think about all the other ways she said it, especially the ones that made him smile.

"Unlike you, I actually care about what Cassian feels, so I'm going to listen to him, because he is my reprogrammer and you are not."

It's a strange announcement of loyalty, and if Cassian wasn't feeling so overwhelmed and caught right now, he'd take a moment to appreciate his droid. And maybe strangle him, because it's just like K2 to shut up after making things awkward in the first place.

Cassian turns back to look at Jyn, and he looks exhausted quite suddenly, like four years of burying her in the sand has been washed away with disregard to his effort. "If you think you are the only one having a hard time with this, then I don't know what to tell you. I am trying to do my job. I'm not going to list off what I went through when you left so you can take the ammo to feel sorry for yourself. My feelings belong to me, not you and not K2."

[realists]

"I don't feel sorry for myself." In that she hates herself too much to even fathom pitying herself, at least about this. Especially since she still thinks she made the right choice. The only problem now is that she was meant to stay gone and he fouled up that part of her plan.

Her lips purse, expression looking pinched as she finds her way back to her seat and sits down, finding the wall quite interesting to study. "Don't worry, Captain, I'll leave as soon as this is through. I don't want to cause you more pain."

[evasives]

a thread cut with a carving knife - stars

He purses his lips, trying desperately not to look at her, because he knows whatever expression on her face will be a temptation of some kind. He doesn't want to offer her comfort when his chest still feels like it's bleeding. "You don't get to use me for anything inside your head. You left."

The ship hums. Cassian wants to be on Jedha. He wants to pretend he doesn't go cold at the thought of her leaving all over again, even though he knew it'd be the case the moment Jyn Erso's name was floating in conjecture with finding her father. "I never expected you'd stay longer than that to begin with."

She leaves or stays and it's all going to hurt again in the end anyway, so he just needs to remember to suck it up and deal with it. K2 be damned.

[realists]

"I left so you wouldn't!"

Damn it. She's on her feet again, shaking with tension and yelling and she shouldn't be because he's right, she left. She has no right to be upset or defend herself but he's always known how to push her buttons without even trying and it's a fight she's had already in her head, but she was always on Cassian's side.

Being the one left behind broke her heart before she even knew what heartbreak felt like, the fact that she'd done the same thing to Cassian is just cruel but she won't take it back.

"You had potential to be something amazing, Cassian. And you are. Youngest captain in Alliance history. Do you know how many people told me that? Melshi told me and he was spitting blood. If I had stayed you would have spent your entire career making sure I didn't get into trouble or some rebel didn't say something about me because I was with Saw and my father's a traitor and you would have given up any chance of moving up and I know you wanted that. I left because one day you'd have to choose between me and the rebellion and I didn't want you to have to make that choice so I made it for you. And I'm not sorry because you're brilliant, Cassian, and you've always deserved more than me."

[evasives]

All things considered, it's not a surprise. He knew from the moment he'd met her how abandonment followed her like a shadow, how it influenced most of the decisions she'd made in the time after Saw.

"My successes are mine, and they are not yours to claim because you left." He doesn't raise his voice like she does; his tone is clipped and cool and collected even though his heart feels like it's thundering louder than his words. His body moves into her space, initially on instinct, but he doesn't fight it once he notices; he steps into it because he's angry, and it's the most he's let himself be angry about her in ages. It's like she's cutting him wide open again, and maybe this mission really was meant to fail.

"You don't get to assume I would have left when you stole any semblance of that choice from me. You don't get to cite your past as an excuse when all you did was do the same thing to me that you feared happening to you. Do you know how many people have stayed in my life? One. And I reprogrammed him."

K2 stays mercifully quiet. Cassian doesn't really think he deserves much of anything, if he's honest. He probably doesn't deserve to be happy at this point, no matter how happy Jyn did truly make him once upon a time. "I have made myself in this Rebellion through my own choices, not because you decided to leave. All it proved to me was that you didn't care what I wanted."