ohnofeelstho | spies and parents never sleep

Jyn doesn't stir at first, but after a handful of seconds she sucks in a sharp breath and her eyes open, squinting blearily into the dim light of the apartment. She didn't even turn the light on, is what she thinks first, but then she notices Cassian standing by the couch and she hums, as if startled by the passing of time. Is it that late already?

"Hi."

Another moment and she jerks like she's been shocked, their daughter's name tumbling past her lips in fear, eyes wide and terrified, before her hand lifts to rest against the baby still nestled against her chest. Assured that Rey is indeed in her arms, she slumps back, closing her eyes.

"I thought she'd gone." Like Rey could just pack up on leave on her own. Of course that wasn't it. Jyn was afraid someone had come and taken the baby away from her. Sometimes she wonders what new Alliance recruits must think of them -- living in Imperial territory, with a family. Jyn would think they shouldn't be allowed children, terrible people shouldn't be allowed to pass on their ideals to innocent children; she wouldn't begrudge them the same thoughts, especially since their existence is such a well guarded secret.

"Hi."

He worries he startled her, but after a moment he realizes it's not him so much as a fear for Rey. Cassian sits down next to them on the couch; his leg brushes against Jyn's, but mostly he just wants to settle his own hand against Rey's back too, overlapping Jyn's fingers a little with his. She's so calm, and he wishes the baby could spread that to Jyn.

"She's safe," he says quietly and reassuringly. It's strange how Rey is becoming just as much a priority as the Alliance, if not maybe moreso. He prefers to put off thinking about that, which is easy enough when Rey herself is prone to interrupting any brooding thoughts either of them attempt.

But he means it, too. He knows Rey is safe as long as Jyn is with her.

Edited 2017-08-03 05:24 (UTC)

"She missed you."

Jyn also maybe missed him a little, at least missed not being alone. Rey is a terrible conversationalist and Jyn feels like she's drowning in silence. She pines for adult conversation so much she willingly went grocery shopping even though she has absolutely no idea what food they actually need to make meals. Two minutes of perfunctory conversation with a cashier was glorious and worth it.

"She was fussing all day until I put that shirt on her," she continues, shifting a little to shift Rey out of her arms and into Cassian's. Time for Papa to hold her. Once Cassian has her, Jyn settles the shirt over her again and stands up to stretch, arms over her head with a crackle of joints and bones before she slumps back down on the couch.

The tiniest of smiles slips onto his face. "I missed her too."

It's easy enough to admit. He doesn't hide how much he loves Rey. When Jyn starts to shift her into his arms, Cassian easily complies, the movement so fluid and natural between them that he doesn't even think about it. He just takes Rey and nestles her against his chest. Jyn tucks her in with the shirt-blanket, and the baby barely fidgets, merely squirming her arms as she digs into Cassian's shirt and coos in her sleep.

The fact that Rey's returning love for him is also unconditional isn't lost on Cassian, and he struggles with it sometimes. It doesn't feel like he deserves it. It doesn't feel right that his shirt can put a baby at peace. Jyn stands up and he idly watches her stretch. He has a fleeting thought about how he wants to put his arm around her too when she sits down again beside him. "Maybe she was just tired enough to finally sleep."

"Maybe." Jyn doesn't sound convinced. She knows it was Cassian's familiar scent that calmed Rey. Which is just rude, honestly. They use the same fresher, Jyn uses his shampoo, they have the same soap and detergent and neither of them particularly favors cologne or perfume so what gives?

"Maybe she's just tired of me. I'm shit company." That seems fair to Jyn. She doesn't like spending time with herself, a tiny human with no choice probably finds it equally abhorrent. "I don't blame her, I feel much the same."

Her hand worry anxiously against the hem of the shirt, rolling it between her fingers before smoothing it out and starting all over again.

"No." It comes out immediately and with so much certainty that it surprises him. He frowns, looking down at Rey then back at Jyn. He suddenly feels very guilty for working today.

"She loves you. There is nothing that would make me doubt that." Cassian is the worst at his own emotions, but there isn't anything she could say that would convince him their daughter doesn't adore Jyn. "When I am alone with her, she misses you."

He moves his arms around, switching the one cradling Rey so he can drop it over the couch behind Jyn's shoulders, opening up the space more beside him. "Come here. I want your company."

The invitation is greeted with a wary stare. She doesn't trust anything right now, most of all herself, so she doesn't trust the fluttery feeling in her chest. They're spies, they lie for a living and while they agreed very early on not to lie to each other, the thought lingers. Nothing in his tone or posture says that he's lying and after all this time she can tell when he's put that mask on but...

Tricky hormones keep messing with her.

The pause is slightly too long before she slides across the couch toward him, settling right beside him so she can leech some of his warmth away.

"She's a baby, she's got terrible taste in friends. She mouth kissed the floor today." Tried to eat the floor, more like, but just ended up tonguing it every time her neck got tired of holding her head up.

It's more touchy than they usually get, but she's mother to his child and she's incredibly depressed. The least he can do is offer her affection, and really, it's not a lie. He does want her there, because there is no one else on this planet who knows him the way Jyn does.

He drops his arm down when she finally slinks in, not directly around her shoulders so she doesn't feel trapped, but it's enough to show her this is exactly what he wants.

"We're not her friends. We're her parents." But he looks at Rey fondly over the image of her trying to eat the floor. "I assume the floor didn't feel the same way."

"The floor ignored her every advance."

Oh she could watch him watching Rey all day, she loves the way he turns all soft and warm, clearly in love with her. She hates that the Alliance all but forced this life on them -- admittedly, she can't blame Draven for purposefully picking fights with Cassian just so that the angry tension would spill over and break the dam of their sexual tension -- but if it had to be with anyone, she does feel lucky that she married Cassian.

Puffing out a sigh, she tucks her head against his shoulder. "I'm so tired."

"She's too young to date anyway."

The temptation to kiss Jyn's forehead again is there, but she's awake this time. She's awake and resting on his shoulder, and Cassian doesn't want to do anything else to spook her. "You can take a nap, if you want. I didn't mean to wake you."

He is definitely going to skip work tomorrow. It's mostly just odd repairs lined up. Even if Jyn isn't going to go anywhere, he thinks maybe it would help. He does like Jyn, and he hates seeing her this way. He hates that she probably hates most things about this entire set up, except for Rey of course, and he kind of hates that he'd had no arguments going into it. But Jyn as herself does make it easier.

Edited 2017-08-03 07:07 (UTC)

"I'm not that tired," she protests, even as she has to turn her head to stifle a yawn against his shoulder. Irrelevant! Besides, "I just got warm."

Because of him. Which is as close as she is going to get to saying she is comfortable enough where she is and she would rather stay here sitting next to him than laying down under the blissfully warm blankets in their very comfortable bed. Even if she does need the sleep.

Something bubbles warmly in his chest when he realizes what she actually means. If there's one thing he's learned about Jyn it's that she's cold all the time, and she's just admitted she'd rather stay here, with him. He's not warmer than a blanket, but he's not going to complain.

He half smiles, but he's looking at Rey so he thinks it could pass off as smiling at his daughter instead of smiling about Jyn.

"I'm already apparently a pillow for one." Because Rey is cradled in nicely and he's not going to move until she does. "Couches are very good for naps too."

Dryly: "And you would know this from all your extensive experience in relaxation?"

Cassian Andor doesn't know how to relax. He'd barely relaxed after sex and that was an exhausting gymnastic event every time. That doesn't mean she doesn't scoot back in order to curl up on her side, tucking her cheek against his thigh. He does make a rather good pillow. After a moment, she lifts her arm to drag the blanket off the back of the couch, half draping it over herself.

He feels so attacked right now?? His tone is a dry sort of teasing to match. "From observation. Relaxation in the wild."

Relaxing is hard, okay? It always feels like there's more he could be doing, even if he knows pushing himself to the limit isn't good. Especially now, when he has an infant relying on him.

Cassian doesn't budge when Jyn lays down on him, except for the way he uses his free hand to help her tug the blanket down and tuck it more comfortably around her. Despite earlier attacks on his ability to relax, he does feel pretty content right now with both of them against him. "I'll make dinner when she wakes up."

She being Rey, because Jyn will probably only wake when her daughter does.

She snorts a laugh at his comment. Surely, he's a real David Attenborough of relaxation in the wild.

But she curls into the blanket, arm curled across his leg so the blanket half drapes over him too, and it doesn't take any time at all before her breathing evens out and she's fast asleep. There's a little whistle as she breathes out, left over from a cold she refused to acknowledge existed in the first place.

Rey sleeps for a little while longer before her little bow mouth starts suckling at air and she burrows her face into Cassian's chest like she is looking for food. After a moment her big eyes open up and her head wobbles to look up at Cassian with a soft little coo, immediately headbutting him because she's not strong enough or not awake enough to hold her head up for very long. Hello, Papa.

The fact that she falls asleep virtually immediately tells him enough about how tired Jyn is. He lets her sleep there, even if his limbs start to feel stiff from the both of them using him for a pillow. He doesn't fall asleep himself, but he closes his eyes, maybe dozes, and he's very alert even in the pseudo-nap.

When Rey starts snuffling, Cassian's focus darts down to her face. He meets her eyes and smiles brightly. She's probably hungry but - she headbutts him and he melts, tracing small circles on her tiny back. He was terrified of holding her wrong when she was first born, but he's gotten used to it now.

"Hello, little star." She coos again at the sound of his voice and he ducks his head to press his lips to her forehead. He keeps his voice low, enough for Rey to hear but hopefully quiet enough to avoid disturbing Jyn. "Did you have a good nap? I bet you are looking for food, but how about we wait just a little longer? Your mama is very tired, and she deserves a rest."

Rey processes approximately none of this, but she does make another happy sound because her father is talking at her, curling her small hands into fists. Cassian moves slowly, carefully to again avoid waking Jyn, shifting Rey around in his arms to cradle her head so she can look at his face without it falling over. "Can you smile for me?" He slides his finger gently over her cheek and she gurgles gleefully, tiny mouth smiling. "Very good!"

Edited 2017-08-04 02:43 (UTC)

It isn't Cassian that rouses Jyn from her black and white dream of dancing mouse droids, but Rey's happy baby chatter and even then it barely penetrates her sleep but her body reacts instinctively and the familiar pins and needles tingling sensation causes her to stir, though she doesn't move quite yet.

She realizes, belatedly, that Cassian is having a conversation with Rey and it makes her smile. Everything else may be garbage, the entire galaxy might be garbage, but Rey is the one bright spot amidst all the terrible. A little beacon of hope and light when it feels like there may be none. It is always a marvel that something so good and pure and innocent came from the pair of them.

"It's not fair, you know," Jyn offers, still without moving. "Anyone is going to smile back at you if you're the one smiling at them. She hasn't got a chance."

Cassian looks down briefly when he senses Jyn stirring, and his smile softens with what she says, grateful she can't see him. He doesn't quite know what to make of it, especially still tangled up with her in his lap, and it sort of makes his stomach flutter.

Rey makes another happy noise, her head tilting towards the sound of Jyn's voice, and her nose scrunches up when she realizes she can't see her mama. She gargles and shakes her arms eagerly.

"It looks like we woke her up anyway, didn't we Rey? I bet you can smile for her too." The way Cassian talks to Rey is far softer than he speaks to anyone else, which offset by the way he smiles at her too, maybe Jyn does have a small point. He is very gentle with his daughter, and there's no way she doesn't notice. "Where is she, huh? You can't see her, but she is here with us."

Slowly, Jyn sits up, bracing her hand on Cassian's knee in order to push herself up again. She can't tell if the nap refreshed her, but she doesn't feel like her eyes are made of sand anymore so it definitely had an effect.

"I'm right here." Not that it really assures Rey, what with the lack of object permanence, but the way her feet kick happily at least tugs a smile onto Jyn's expression, soft even though it's still tired. She reaches out to tap Rey on the nose. "Who do you want to feed you tonight, hmm starshine? Mama or Papa?"

Sometimes Jyn feels like a bantha but. She has to admit she likes knowing she's at least has Rey's hunger under control. Her eyes flicker up to Cassian, smile still lingering. "There's more bottles in the fridge, if you'd like to."

Rey lets out a sound that could be some sort of squeal when she sees Jyn and hears her keep talking. She's a very squirmy happy baby right now. When Jyn taps her on the nose, she smiles again.

"I told you she'd smile for you," Cassian mumbles, even if he keeps his eyes on Rey.

The baby looks to Cassian, then to Jyn, then back to Cassian, sort of like she can't figure out where she's going to go. She lets out a shrill noise then flails her arms.

"I can do it, if you want." Jyn very clearly had a tiring day, and it is no trouble at all for him to feed Rey to give her a little more of a break. He pauses for a second, moving his finger around in the air and watching Rey chase it with her eyes. "Will you stay, while she eats?"

"I'll have to express anyway," Jyn answers lamely. It doesn't preclude her from staying, because when she's alone she usually takes care of it on the couch anyway, but it is a bit weird. She knows she can just give Rey formula, but she trusts approximately zero Imperial things being ingested by her daughter, even if it's irrational.

In any case, Jyn is too tired to care, but she's offering Cassian an out for having to watch Jyn wrapped in blankets with bottles of fresh milk occasionally being pushed through the blankets and set on the coffee table. It's odd.

Rey reaches out and grabs Cassian's finger, and he beams down at her. "Good job!"

He steals a sideways glance at Jyn. "If you'd rather the privacy, I can go to our room." Rey tugs on his finger, and he pretends to give in to her strength, making a surprised face at her. Even though he's talking to Jyn, he keeps his voice at baby levels to keep entertaining said baby. "But I don't mind or care. She'd probably like you to stay too."

"No, it's fine." She smiles at the baby. Half at the baby, half at Cassian's antics, really. She leans over to tickle Rey's belly, rewarded with bleats of gleeful laughter. "You're so strong, starshine, be gentle with Papa."

Jyn stands again, stretching again, wincing a little from stiff muscles. "I'll get her dinner."

With a small smile, she turns to the kitchen to fetch and warm Rey's bottle, gathering up all the supplies she needs for filling new bottles before she returns. She sets the empty bottles in a line on the coffee table, passing Cassian Rey's bottle, before she settles back on to the couch and wraps the blanket around her shoulders to finish the set up. She has it down to a science.

"You're going to be so strong one day!" He'll just keep on that track, even if he shoots Jyn a bright and thankful smile without thinking when she stands up to leave.

Cassian is still talking to Rey by the time Jyn comes back, but he adjusts her to fit in the curve of his arm so he can pop the bottle in her mouth. She greedily accepts and mumbles hungrily while she drinks.

It's very strange to be sitting on the couch with Jyn and Rey, not because of what she's doing so much as they rarely come together like this all three of them. Cassian is a spy and a murderer but he's got a tiny bundle of himself and Jyn in his arms, and she is the definition of innocent - and he sort of wishes it didn't feel like a trade off between him and Jyn sometimes. There's a strange comfort in having her next to him still. "She devours it like you'd think we don't ever feed her."

One by one the empty bottles are replaced with full bottles that Jyn will eventually have to pop in the fridge when she's done, the whir of the tiny motor soft white noise underneath everything. Jyn's so used to it that she can curl up on the couch, feet pulled up as she faces Cassian.

His comment brings a smile to her face. "She's always hungry, I don't know how someone who is so tiny and sleeps so much can be so starving all the time. She eats more than I do."

Which recently has been an easy feet to achieve since Jyn's appetite is gone.

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