Cassian's tolerance is remarkably high, and Draven once said it was out of spite towards people who told him he'd lose control the more he drank. He still generally doesn't like having more than a glass, but he knows for the most part he's still got a good handle on himself with it in his system. He may have partially trained himself that way.
His hand is still being used for a pillow, so Cassian is not about to move either. He does shift her again too, so the baby is more on her back. "When she's settled."
Completely ignoring the fact that Rey already is settled. He means in her crib, of course, but they're still giving it time! Just in case. Precaution. The mental gymnastics for excuses is not lost on him, which makes it fortunate they're not being said out loud. "She whistles sometimes, in her sleep. Not a real whistle but -" A little toot of air.
Rey is definitely settled, but Jyn doesn't counter, staring down at her daughter with affection. Even she settles more, tucking her arm under her head to relax more.
"It's so cute. I thought I heard her snoring once." She looks back up at him again, sly smile flickering on her mouth. "These sweet little snores, tiny huffs and puffs. It was darling. But it turned out it was you."
He ducks his head, as best one can duck their head when he's already laying down.
"I only snore sometimes." Which is true! He only snores when he is sleeping in complete and total peace. Currently filed under: things he's not going to bring up to Jyn. But apparently Jyn beside him and Rey in the same room is enough to calm him that deeply. He's trying not to think about what that means. "At least it's light enough to be mistaken for an actual baby."
He wriggles his hand out, so he can smooth over Rey's head. "She does make noises in her sleep. Like she's trying to talk."
Sleep has no power over Rey, at least that's probably what she wants to think. Jyn wonders if object permanence applies to babies themselves, too. Do they close their eyes and forget they exist. Is that why babies so rarely blink? These are the questions you ask when you're seriously sleep deprived.
"You have a very cute snore," she adds, closing her own eyes. Just for a second. To rest them.
"I don't think anything is ever going to stop her. We may as well prepare for it now."
Cassian is not sure he's been called cute since he was a child. His hand stills on Rey while he processes this and resists the urge to tell her she has a cute face.
"I suppose that's better than an ugly snore." His voice is casual, but there's still a hint of something else there too - not shyness. Awkwardness, maybe, like he doesn't know what to do with a compliment even about something so innocent.
"I would have punched you awake if that was the case." Which she demonstrates, eyes still closed, by reaching out to lightly prod him in the stomach with her fist. She lets her hand drop to the mattress in front of him, using the shift to settle her arm across Rey like at any moment she could scoop her up and cradle her against her chest, fist unfurling.
"You're welcome, that I don't snore." She'd have known by now, but it's been noted how much of a silent sleeper she is, only the whisper of sheets and blankets when she moves.
He fakes a silent sort of oof and resists the urge to take her hand when she drops it close to him. She's cradling Rey, that's all.
Still, if his fingers brush against hers while he's also cradling Rey, he's not going to call any attention to it. He's not going to move away either. "I'd have gotten used to it. It's surprising what one learns to sleep through."
Cassian is a very light sleeper, but it doesn't mean he can't separate the white noise from the dangerous noise.
"I'll accept your gratitude anyway," Jyn says, mouth twisting wryly, even though Cassian made no such offer and she foisted her acceptance on him already. She gave him a precious little girl he is obviously obsessed with. She'll keep saying you're welcome even if it doesn't matter.
"You should put her to bed." Rey is obviously too young to worry about how co-sleeping will affect her and Jyn is The Absolute Worst about bringing Rey to bed with her in the middle of the night but. You know. She can have moments of being not completely wrapped around Rey's tiny little fingers.
He would tell her thank you for just about anything at this point after Rey. He does huff out a snort, if only to make a bit light of it. She always seems to appreciate that sort of thing more.
Cassian looks down at Rey, then back to Jyn. "I suppose she has, for now, reached the point of no return." The nice part about Rey's sleeping habits so far is that after she initially conks out, she generally stays asleep for at least an hour or two, no matter how much she gets shuffled around between parents or beds - provided she has those few moments to nestle into her dreams first.
Not that he really wants to stop laying here, but breaking the crib habit is a bad idea. Slowly, Cassian scoops up Rey into his arms and she fortunately stays a sleeping blob of a baby, unfazed in her slumber as her papa picks her up and shuffles carefully towards the edge of the bed. He stands up and waits anyway, making sure she's still out, then walks over towards the crib where he tucks her in. He stares at her in there for a few moments, always ready to marvel her existence even when she's literally only passed out uselessly.
Jyn props herself up on her elbow to watch him, faint smile softening her expression when she realizes he is watching Rey sleep. Watching her sleep. It's charming in the most unexpected way and Jyn's chest feels warm in a way she doesn't quite get.
Instead of dwelling on it, she slips silently out of bed and tiptoes toward him, reaching out to take his hand with both of hers.
"If you keep staring at her, she's going to wake up. You know she's odd like that." She backs up, hands still holding his, every intention of dragging him out of the room if she has to, but she suspects he'll give into the logic of their odd little infant who sleeps through loud noises and being jostled about but not being stared at.
He hears her coming, but he doesn't look from Rey to Jyn until she takes his hand. He steals a quick glance down at their hands, then turns it into a head tuck to pretend he didn't.
When she starts to pull him, he puts up no real resistance, but he lets himself be dragged along anyway. He's always reluctant to leave Rey, but he knows he can't really stay and watch her all night. Besides, he kind of likes the way Jyn's fingers feel wrapped around his, so maybe any bit of slowness on his part is to get her to keep tugging him along.
"It's the only time she does not like our attention, apparently." Weirdo sleep baby senses.
"I suppose she needs her privacy just like the rest of us." As if either of them gets much privacy now that Rey exists. She's not even a toddler and Jyn still finds herself lacking loads of basic privacy.
Tug tug, she keeps pulling him away from their daughter, right back into the living room where she releases his hand and drops down on the couch, trying not to think about how cold her hands feel now and how it's just the two of them now without the casual buffer of their beloved daughter.
It's not like they hang out. But if he sits next to her that is exactly what they'll be doing. Like a real couple. Jyn can't decide how she feels about that. She settles on fine because it's good for appearance's sake, even if no one can see them in the privacy of their own home.
"That's something she gets from the both of us." It's not meant to be a slight on either of them. They're both very aware of how private they are as people, especially with the complete lack of it lately.
There's a certain level of fondness in his face as Jyn drags him into the living room, and he misses her touch when she lets him go. The natural follow up would be to sit down beside her, but it's not like they do that often, not like this, not when they're both in a good mood and feeling lighter than they have in ages.
He settles a hand on the back of the couch, raising an eyebrow and determined to keep the easiness a little longer. He's going to join her, he is! But first: "Do you still want that beer?"
"Yes," she breathes out, allowing a grateful smile as she looks up at him. It's small and it doesn't last very long, but it existed. It's weird and there's a slight discomfort that surrounds her like a blanket because they're not a couple, they're not married, they don't even like each other most days.
But she does like him.
She likes the way he is with their daughter, she likes his compassion and kindness towards her, she weirdly likes how engrossed he gets in his work and how much he breathes the Rebellion, even if she hates what the Rebellion is doing to the both of them. No one should have to live this kind of life.
"Cassian--" She starts, but stops herself. "No, I'm going to need a drink for this."
Cassian smiles back without thinking, just as small and quick and strange a feeling. It's like they're normal people for a second. They're not though.
"I don't know how worried I should be," he says lightly, but he lets go of the couch. "I'll be back."
And he ducks out of the living room. The smile fights back onto his face when he steps into the kitchen and he lets it stay there as he digs through the fridge. It's a tug of his muscles he's unfamiliar with, and it's not lost on him that he's smiling because of Jyn this time and not Rey.
He finds the beer from Bodhi buried away in a drawer, pulling out two of them. As he moves back to the living room, the smile slinks away even if his expression hasn't morphed back into perpetual grump, still easy. He holds out one for her, hesitates a moment, then sits down on the couch with her. It's on the other side with a cushion still between them, but he's there and hoping it doesn't turn awkward. "Apparently Bodhi never took them away."
"Bodhi is a good man," Jyn declares, tipping the bottle back and drinking maybe close to half of it in one go. It has been a while since she's had any alcohol, she doesn't need any oxygen to go with it.
The bottle comes away from her lips with a pop! and she settles it between her legs which she pulls up and crosses in front of her like a little kid.
"I was going to thank you for being such a good father when you could have just fucked off since we're not..." Anything. She looks down at the bottle, rolling it between her hands, quickly leaving a condensation ring on the couch from the bottom of the bottle. "I wouldn't be able to do any of this alone."
"In more ways than one." Zero arguments. Bodhi is the best. Jyn downs half her drink before Cassian even makes to open his own, and he sort of half watches her do so with vague amazement.
He takes a sip, the bottle freezing near his chin when she speaks up again. His mouth opens a little in surprise, and he takes another sip to give himself a moment to collect.
Rey exists because they're undercover and made a mistake, but Cassian never once thought about leaving Jyn to it alone. "She is here because of us both. I would not - it doesn't matter what we are, she is mine and my responsibility." Another drink! He doesn't even like beer. "I can't do this alone either. Thank you, for being a good mother to her. For being a mother in the first place."
"I almost wasn't," Jyn admits softly, still looking at her beer. She's never admitted that before, not out loud, and she pushes out a slow sigh before she looks up.
"You didn't know yet, it would have been quick and easy and no one would have asked questions -- we hadn't been here long, I was busy with work, my father had recently died. It wasn't the right time for us, it would have been easy to explain away to the doctors." She shrugs, though it's clear she'd gotten far enough to put thought into it. "You would have never had to know, the Alliance would never have to know. Nothing would have changed."
And something about her tone implies she never would have told Cassian, she certainly wouldn't have let his opinion sway her, nor the opinion of the Alliance.
He can't imagine not having Rey, but he can just as easily imagine Jyn in those moments, probably scared though she'd never admit it, worried and uncertain and everything else swarming her, and he wishes he could have helped her. The wish does nothing now. He knows the Alliance would have tried to sway her otherwise, but they're in Imperial territory, and had she decided no, it's true, he never would have known. It's odd.
"Then I still have all the more reason to thank you now but," he trails off for a second, frowning in thought. He wonders if he would have wanted it, if she did ask him first. "It was your call either way, and I cannot blame you for considering. Can I ask, what made you decide otherwise?"
Jyn doesn't want to be thanked for that, so she takes another swig of her beer, more controlled than the last. Just a sip.
"My parents are dead, Saw is dead." Rey is half her, all that's left of her parents and her grandparents and her great-grandparents. She's not an Erso or a Gerrera, but she is made from that. Jyn couldn't handle the idea of losing that, even if she didn't really feel anything toward Rey until after she was born.
She deserves so much more than this. Rey does too, obviously, but Jyn deserves a real family and a real love and he swallows back the way the guilt squeezes at his chest. She deserves more than a liar and a murderer to be the father of her child but she's stuck with him now, and he hates himself for it.
"I never expected to have a family. The Rebellion - it's all I had for years. I was never treated unkindly, but it was never the same as my parents."
His next sip is a longer swig, three large gulps to the dead parents club. They're both going to need another sooner rather than later at this rate. "Rey is my family too, and I'm not ever going to give that up."
Even if he spent the entirety of the time till she was born second guessing everything.
He'd distracted her from the point of what she wanted to say, because she wasn't entirely finished before she went on that small tangent, but he also brings it back around to her point so that's nice. Emotions are difficult for her, if she had to turn it back to the point herself she probably would have chickened out.
"I'm glad, that it's you." She had thought that when it came down to choosing mission or child he would choose the mission always, but then she's watched him hold Rey for the first time, and she knew that Rey would always be safe with him. He's a spy and an assassin and all the terrible things the Alliance had made him, but all of that will protect their daughter.
And it's not just Rey. They may have a difficult relationship, but she knows this all could be so much more difficult, more of a hardship, torturous, with someone else. Cassian has always tried to make it easier for the both of them and she's grateful for that.
"You know what it's like to lose, so I know I can trust you to hold on to her."
His eyes snap to her face, and he just looks - confused. She's never caught him off guard like this before. He doesn't even get to ask why, so startled by it that he just kind of stares at her at a loss for a long few moments, which probably gives her the time to keep going.
It doesn't help like he thinks, because it's an incredibly kind thing to say and he doesn't know what to do with it. It's hard for him to believe it. I'm glad it's you is not really a sentence people use towards him, not for something so good.
Cassian looks away because looking at her becomes too much. He still thinks Rey and Jyn both deserve better than him, but: "Thank you." It's so quiet he's not even sure he said it, half a question because he's still baffled. "I would never let anything happen to her."
It's easier to focus on that element of it, on Jyn trusting Rey is safe with him, because at least that part he knows to be true.
Oh no, he looks so startled and Jyn regrets what she said immediately. He'd said she was a good mother, but maybe it was a lie. He's a spy, after all, lying is what he's good at. Maybe he would rather it would be anyone else but Jyn.
Shit.
Why would she ever think differently though, they don't even like each other, this is a life built on lies and circumstances neither of them could control, of course he wouldn't want to have anything to do with Jyn. She's just a reminder of their terrible fucking lie of a life.
When he looks away, Jyn downs the rest of her beer and pushes herself to her feet, playacting at being chill. She's fine. She was never going to have a real family anyway, at least she has Rey and at least Rey has Cassian, that's enough. "I'm gonna get another drink, do you want one?"
Wait?? No?? She stands up and he looks at her again, still confused but worried now too. He might not always know exactly what she's thinking, but he has gotten a decent enough grasp on her moods to recognize the quick shift. He's the only factor that could have changed it.
She put herself out there a bit. He didn't respond appropriately. Cassian still doesn't know if he believes her, but it's also far easier to focus on making sure she's okay than any goodness in relation to himself.
"I do," he says, because wow he drank that fast, but he reaches out and grabs her wrist on some uncertain instinct. He wants to say something, but the seconds stretch on a little awkwardly, so he loosens his grip. "I'm not used to -" Kindness. Gratitude. Someone thinking he's a decent person. "I would not have blamed you for hating me. But I'm glad it's you too."
He definitely thought she hated him. It's a surprise she doesn't, and he doesn't know how to deal with that. But Jyn loves Rey more than anyone else, so even though he hates that he'd taken the chance of a better life from her, he can't imagine not doing this with her now. Maybe that makes him another kind of terrible, but he's not sure he'd take it back, not at the risk of never having Rey.
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ohnofeelstho2017-05-14 03:23 pm
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His hand is still being used for a pillow, so Cassian is not about to move either. He does shift her again too, so the baby is more on her back. "When she's settled."
Completely ignoring the fact that Rey already is settled. He means in her crib, of course, but they're still giving it time! Just in case. Precaution. The mental gymnastics for excuses is not lost on him, which makes it fortunate they're not being said out loud. "She whistles sometimes, in her sleep. Not a real whistle but -" A little toot of air.
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"It's so cute. I thought I heard her snoring once." She looks back up at him again, sly smile flickering on her mouth. "These sweet little snores, tiny huffs and puffs. It was darling. But it turned out it was you."
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"I only snore sometimes." Which is true! He only snores when he is sleeping in complete and total peace. Currently filed under: things he's not going to bring up to Jyn. But apparently Jyn beside him and Rey in the same room is enough to calm him that deeply. He's trying not to think about what that means. "At least it's light enough to be mistaken for an actual baby."
He wriggles his hand out, so he can smooth over Rey's head. "She does make noises in her sleep. Like she's trying to talk."
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Sleep has no power over Rey, at least that's probably what she wants to think. Jyn wonders if object permanence applies to babies themselves, too. Do they close their eyes and forget they exist. Is that why babies so rarely blink? These are the questions you ask when you're seriously sleep deprived.
"You have a very cute snore," she adds, closing her own eyes. Just for a second. To rest them.
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Cassian is not sure he's been called cute since he was a child. His hand stills on Rey while he processes this and resists the urge to tell her she has a cute face.
"I suppose that's better than an ugly snore." His voice is casual, but there's still a hint of something else there too - not shyness. Awkwardness, maybe, like he doesn't know what to do with a compliment even about something so innocent.
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"You're welcome, that I don't snore." She'd have known by now, but it's been noted how much of a silent sleeper she is, only the whisper of sheets and blankets when she moves.
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Still, if his fingers brush against hers while he's also cradling Rey, he's not going to call any attention to it. He's not going to move away either. "I'd have gotten used to it. It's surprising what one learns to sleep through."
Cassian is a very light sleeper, but it doesn't mean he can't separate the white noise from the dangerous noise.
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"You should put her to bed." Rey is obviously too young to worry about how co-sleeping will affect her and Jyn is The Absolute Worst about bringing Rey to bed with her in the middle of the night but. You know. She can have moments of being not completely wrapped around Rey's tiny little fingers.
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Cassian looks down at Rey, then back to Jyn. "I suppose she has, for now, reached the point of no return." The nice part about Rey's sleeping habits so far is that after she initially conks out, she generally stays asleep for at least an hour or two, no matter how much she gets shuffled around between parents or beds - provided she has those few moments to nestle into her dreams first.
Not that he really wants to stop laying here, but breaking the crib habit is a bad idea. Slowly, Cassian scoops up Rey into his arms and she fortunately stays a sleeping blob of a baby, unfazed in her slumber as her papa picks her up and shuffles carefully towards the edge of the bed. He stands up and waits anyway, making sure she's still out, then walks over towards the crib where he tucks her in. He stares at her in there for a few moments, always ready to marvel her existence even when she's literally only passed out uselessly.
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Instead of dwelling on it, she slips silently out of bed and tiptoes toward him, reaching out to take his hand with both of hers.
"If you keep staring at her, she's going to wake up. You know she's odd like that." She backs up, hands still holding his, every intention of dragging him out of the room if she has to, but she suspects he'll give into the logic of their odd little infant who sleeps through loud noises and being jostled about but not being stared at.
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When she starts to pull him, he puts up no real resistance, but he lets himself be dragged along anyway. He's always reluctant to leave Rey, but he knows he can't really stay and watch her all night. Besides, he kind of likes the way Jyn's fingers feel wrapped around his, so maybe any bit of slowness on his part is to get her to keep tugging him along.
"It's the only time she does not like our attention, apparently." Weirdo sleep baby senses.
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Tug tug, she keeps pulling him away from their daughter, right back into the living room where she releases his hand and drops down on the couch, trying not to think about how cold her hands feel now and how it's just the two of them now without the casual buffer of their beloved daughter.
It's not like they hang out. But if he sits next to her that is exactly what they'll be doing. Like a real couple. Jyn can't decide how she feels about that. She settles on fine because it's good for appearance's sake, even if no one can see them in the privacy of their own home.
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There's a certain level of fondness in his face as Jyn drags him into the living room, and he misses her touch when she lets him go. The natural follow up would be to sit down beside her, but it's not like they do that often, not like this, not when they're both in a good mood and feeling lighter than they have in ages.
He settles a hand on the back of the couch, raising an eyebrow and determined to keep the easiness a little longer. He's going to join her, he is! But first: "Do you still want that beer?"
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But she does like him.
She likes the way he is with their daughter, she likes his compassion and kindness towards her, she weirdly likes how engrossed he gets in his work and how much he breathes the Rebellion, even if she hates what the Rebellion is doing to the both of them. No one should have to live this kind of life.
"Cassian--" She starts, but stops herself. "No, I'm going to need a drink for this."
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"I don't know how worried I should be," he says lightly, but he lets go of the couch. "I'll be back."
And he ducks out of the living room. The smile fights back onto his face when he steps into the kitchen and he lets it stay there as he digs through the fridge. It's a tug of his muscles he's unfamiliar with, and it's not lost on him that he's smiling because of Jyn this time and not Rey.
He finds the beer from Bodhi buried away in a drawer, pulling out two of them. As he moves back to the living room, the smile slinks away even if his expression hasn't morphed back into perpetual grump, still easy. He holds out one for her, hesitates a moment, then sits down on the couch with her. It's on the other side with a cushion still between them, but he's there and hoping it doesn't turn awkward. "Apparently Bodhi never took them away."
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The bottle comes away from her lips with a pop! and she settles it between her legs which she pulls up and crosses in front of her like a little kid.
"I was going to thank you for being such a good father when you could have just fucked off since we're not..." Anything. She looks down at the bottle, rolling it between her hands, quickly leaving a condensation ring on the couch from the bottom of the bottle. "I wouldn't be able to do any of this alone."
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He takes a sip, the bottle freezing near his chin when she speaks up again. His mouth opens a little in surprise, and he takes another sip to give himself a moment to collect.
Rey exists because they're undercover and made a mistake, but Cassian never once thought about leaving Jyn to it alone. "She is here because of us both. I would not - it doesn't matter what we are, she is mine and my responsibility." Another drink! He doesn't even like beer. "I can't do this alone either. Thank you, for being a good mother to her. For being a mother in the first place."
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"You didn't know yet, it would have been quick and easy and no one would have asked questions -- we hadn't been here long, I was busy with work, my father had recently died. It wasn't the right time for us, it would have been easy to explain away to the doctors." She shrugs, though it's clear she'd gotten far enough to put thought into it. "You would have never had to know, the Alliance would never have to know. Nothing would have changed."
And something about her tone implies she never would have told Cassian, she certainly wouldn't have let his opinion sway her, nor the opinion of the Alliance.
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"Then I still have all the more reason to thank you now but," he trails off for a second, frowning in thought. He wonders if he would have wanted it, if she did ask him first. "It was your call either way, and I cannot blame you for considering. Can I ask, what made you decide otherwise?"
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"My parents are dead, Saw is dead." Rey is half her, all that's left of her parents and her grandparents and her great-grandparents. She's not an Erso or a Gerrera, but she is made from that. Jyn couldn't handle the idea of losing that, even if she didn't really feel anything toward Rey until after she was born.
"I couldn't lose any more family."
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"I never expected to have a family. The Rebellion - it's all I had for years. I was never treated unkindly, but it was never the same as my parents."
His next sip is a longer swig, three large gulps to the dead parents club. They're both going to need another sooner rather than later at this rate. "Rey is my family too, and I'm not ever going to give that up."
Even if he spent the entirety of the time till she was born second guessing everything.
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"I'm glad, that it's you." She had thought that when it came down to choosing mission or child he would choose the mission always, but then she's watched him hold Rey for the first time, and she knew that Rey would always be safe with him. He's a spy and an assassin and all the terrible things the Alliance had made him, but all of that will protect their daughter.
And it's not just Rey. They may have a difficult relationship, but she knows this all could be so much more difficult, more of a hardship, torturous, with someone else. Cassian has always tried to make it easier for the both of them and she's grateful for that.
"You know what it's like to lose, so I know I can trust you to hold on to her."
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It doesn't help like he thinks, because it's an incredibly kind thing to say and he doesn't know what to do with it. It's hard for him to believe it. I'm glad it's you is not really a sentence people use towards him, not for something so good.
Cassian looks away because looking at her becomes too much. He still thinks Rey and Jyn both deserve better than him, but: "Thank you." It's so quiet he's not even sure he said it, half a question because he's still baffled. "I would never let anything happen to her."
It's easier to focus on that element of it, on Jyn trusting Rey is safe with him, because at least that part he knows to be true.
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Shit.
Why would she ever think differently though, they don't even like each other, this is a life built on lies and circumstances neither of them could control, of course he wouldn't want to have anything to do with Jyn. She's just a reminder of their terrible fucking lie of a life.
When he looks away, Jyn downs the rest of her beer and pushes herself to her feet, playacting at being chill. She's fine. She was never going to have a real family anyway, at least she has Rey and at least Rey has Cassian, that's enough. "I'm gonna get another drink, do you want one?"
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She put herself out there a bit. He didn't respond appropriately. Cassian still doesn't know if he believes her, but it's also far easier to focus on making sure she's okay than any goodness in relation to himself.
"I do," he says, because wow he drank that fast, but he reaches out and grabs her wrist on some uncertain instinct. He wants to say something, but the seconds stretch on a little awkwardly, so he loosens his grip. "I'm not used to -" Kindness. Gratitude. Someone thinking he's a decent person. "I would not have blamed you for hating me. But I'm glad it's you too."
He definitely thought she hated him. It's a surprise she doesn't, and he doesn't know how to deal with that. But Jyn loves Rey more than anyone else, so even though he hates that he'd taken the chance of a better life from her, he can't imagine not doing this with her now. Maybe that makes him another kind of terrible, but he's not sure he'd take it back, not at the risk of never having Rey.
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