ohnofeelstho | spies and parents never sleep

Cassian smiles back without thinking, just as small and quick and strange a feeling. It's like they're normal people for a second. They're not though.

"I don't know how worried I should be," he says lightly, but he lets go of the couch. "I'll be back."

And he ducks out of the living room. The smile fights back onto his face when he steps into the kitchen and he lets it stay there as he digs through the fridge. It's a tug of his muscles he's unfamiliar with, and it's not lost on him that he's smiling because of Jyn this time and not Rey.

He finds the beer from Bodhi buried away in a drawer, pulling out two of them. As he moves back to the living room, the smile slinks away even if his expression hasn't morphed back into perpetual grump, still easy. He holds out one for her, hesitates a moment, then sits down on the couch with her. It's on the other side with a cushion still between them, but he's there and hoping it doesn't turn awkward. "Apparently Bodhi never took them away."

"Bodhi is a good man," Jyn declares, tipping the bottle back and drinking maybe close to half of it in one go. It has been a while since she's had any alcohol, she doesn't need any oxygen to go with it.

The bottle comes away from her lips with a pop! and she settles it between her legs which she pulls up and crosses in front of her like a little kid.

"I was going to thank you for being such a good father when you could have just fucked off since we're not..." Anything. She looks down at the bottle, rolling it between her hands, quickly leaving a condensation ring on the couch from the bottom of the bottle. "I wouldn't be able to do any of this alone."

"In more ways than one." Zero arguments. Bodhi is the best. Jyn downs half her drink before Cassian even makes to open his own, and he sort of half watches her do so with vague amazement.

He takes a sip, the bottle freezing near his chin when she speaks up again. His mouth opens a little in surprise, and he takes another sip to give himself a moment to collect.

Rey exists because they're undercover and made a mistake, but Cassian never once thought about leaving Jyn to it alone. "She is here because of us both. I would not - it doesn't matter what we are, she is mine and my responsibility." Another drink! He doesn't even like beer. "I can't do this alone either. Thank you, for being a good mother to her. For being a mother in the first place."

"I almost wasn't," Jyn admits softly, still looking at her beer. She's never admitted that before, not out loud, and she pushes out a slow sigh before she looks up.

"You didn't know yet, it would have been quick and easy and no one would have asked questions -- we hadn't been here long, I was busy with work, my father had recently died. It wasn't the right time for us, it would have been easy to explain away to the doctors." She shrugs, though it's clear she'd gotten far enough to put thought into it. "You would have never had to know, the Alliance would never have to know. Nothing would have changed."

And something about her tone implies she never would have told Cassian, she certainly wouldn't have let his opinion sway her, nor the opinion of the Alliance.

He can't imagine not having Rey, but he can just as easily imagine Jyn in those moments, probably scared though she'd never admit it, worried and uncertain and everything else swarming her, and he wishes he could have helped her. The wish does nothing now. He knows the Alliance would have tried to sway her otherwise, but they're in Imperial territory, and had she decided no, it's true, he never would have known. It's odd.

"Then I still have all the more reason to thank you now but," he trails off for a second, frowning in thought. He wonders if he would have wanted it, if she did ask him first. "It was your call either way, and I cannot blame you for considering. Can I ask, what made you decide otherwise?"

Jyn doesn't want to be thanked for that, so she takes another swig of her beer, more controlled than the last. Just a sip.

"My parents are dead, Saw is dead." Rey is half her, all that's left of her parents and her grandparents and her great-grandparents. She's not an Erso or a Gerrera, but she is made from that. Jyn couldn't handle the idea of losing that, even if she didn't really feel anything toward Rey until after she was born.

"I couldn't lose any more family."

She deserves so much more than this. Rey does too, obviously, but Jyn deserves a real family and a real love and he swallows back the way the guilt squeezes at his chest. She deserves more than a liar and a murderer to be the father of her child but she's stuck with him now, and he hates himself for it.

"I never expected to have a family. The Rebellion - it's all I had for years. I was never treated unkindly, but it was never the same as my parents."

His next sip is a longer swig, three large gulps to the dead parents club. They're both going to need another sooner rather than later at this rate. "Rey is my family too, and I'm not ever going to give that up."

Even if he spent the entirety of the time till she was born second guessing everything.

He'd distracted her from the point of what she wanted to say, because she wasn't entirely finished before she went on that small tangent, but he also brings it back around to her point so that's nice. Emotions are difficult for her, if she had to turn it back to the point herself she probably would have chickened out.

"I'm glad, that it's you." She had thought that when it came down to choosing mission or child he would choose the mission always, but then she's watched him hold Rey for the first time, and she knew that Rey would always be safe with him. He's a spy and an assassin and all the terrible things the Alliance had made him, but all of that will protect their daughter.

And it's not just Rey. They may have a difficult relationship, but she knows this all could be so much more difficult, more of a hardship, torturous, with someone else. Cassian has always tried to make it easier for the both of them and she's grateful for that.

"You know what it's like to lose, so I know I can trust you to hold on to her."

His eyes snap to her face, and he just looks - confused. She's never caught him off guard like this before. He doesn't even get to ask why, so startled by it that he just kind of stares at her at a loss for a long few moments, which probably gives her the time to keep going.

It doesn't help like he thinks, because it's an incredibly kind thing to say and he doesn't know what to do with it. It's hard for him to believe it. I'm glad it's you is not really a sentence people use towards him, not for something so good.

Cassian looks away because looking at her becomes too much. He still thinks Rey and Jyn both deserve better than him, but: "Thank you." It's so quiet he's not even sure he said it, half a question because he's still baffled. "I would never let anything happen to her."

It's easier to focus on that element of it, on Jyn trusting Rey is safe with him, because at least that part he knows to be true.

Oh no, he looks so startled and Jyn regrets what she said immediately. He'd said she was a good mother, but maybe it was a lie. He's a spy, after all, lying is what he's good at. Maybe he would rather it would be anyone else but Jyn.

Shit.

Why would she ever think differently though, they don't even like each other, this is a life built on lies and circumstances neither of them could control, of course he wouldn't want to have anything to do with Jyn. She's just a reminder of their terrible fucking lie of a life.

When he looks away, Jyn downs the rest of her beer and pushes herself to her feet, playacting at being chill. She's fine. She was never going to have a real family anyway, at least she has Rey and at least Rey has Cassian, that's enough. "I'm gonna get another drink, do you want one?"

Wait?? No?? She stands up and he looks at her again, still confused but worried now too. He might not always know exactly what she's thinking, but he has gotten a decent enough grasp on her moods to recognize the quick shift. He's the only factor that could have changed it.

She put herself out there a bit. He didn't respond appropriately. Cassian still doesn't know if he believes her, but it's also far easier to focus on making sure she's okay than any goodness in relation to himself.

"I do," he says, because wow he drank that fast, but he reaches out and grabs her wrist on some uncertain instinct. He wants to say something, but the seconds stretch on a little awkwardly, so he loosens his grip. "I'm not used to -" Kindness. Gratitude. Someone thinking he's a decent person. "I would not have blamed you for hating me. But I'm glad it's you too."

He definitely thought she hated him. It's a surprise she doesn't, and he doesn't know how to deal with that. But Jyn loves Rey more than anyone else, so even though he hates that he'd taken the chance of a better life from her, he can't imagine not doing this with her now. Maybe that makes him another kind of terrible, but he's not sure he'd take it back, not at the risk of never having Rey.

"I don't hate you."

She's never really hated him.

"Hating this--" She gestures toward the door with her empty beer, specifically toward the door, because she means this as in the Empire, their lives outside the door, the quiet war, the act. "--doesn't mean hating you."

Sure didn't like him at first, because he was a reminder of what they were forced into but she doesn't think she's ever hated him. She hates a select few people.

"Andor. That little girl didn't come from hate. At least not on my end."

He lets it hang in the air while it sinks in, and even though all his better judgment tells him to be cautious, he believes her.

"Not on my end either." Cassian knows he didn't much like her at first, but sitting here now, he realizes it's been a long time since that shifted. There's a difference between anger and hate. Rey doesn't have an ounce of the hate bone in her tiny body.

He lets go of her wrist with a start, like he's suddenly aware he was still holding it. He waves idly in the same direction she did, encompassing all the shitty things about their life. "I hate this too. But never her, never you."

Himself, yes, but at least Jyn doesn't. It'll be good for Rey. "I'm not going to go anywhere, and I want to keep raising Rey with you, even when this is all over."

Maybe this is another shift; instead of being reluctant teammates by no choice of their own, now they can be partners. A small, flickering smile touches her lips for a moment at his... promise?

She decides it's a promise.

"Well, we already established I can't do it on my own." Her way of saying she welcomes co-parenting their daughter, accepts his offer and his help. Without saying anything else she turns to the kitchen to retrieve the fresh beers from the fridge. After the first two she decides fuck it, and grabs the two left over as well. Downing a six pack between the two of them in one night isn't the best idea, but she doesn't have good ideas, that is Cassian's niche.

It feels like a shift. He doesn't know what it means for the future, but for now they're on more equal footing. He doesn't quite smile when she gives her own version of acceptance, but his face softens. He nods at her before she goes back to the kitchen, and only when she disappears does a smile briefly flicker on his face.

He raises an eyebrow when she comes back with all the beer, but he doesn't object. It's probably not a good idea, but he can't seem to care much. Cassian sets his now empty bottle on the table and sinks back into the couch, letting himself actually get a little comfortable for once. "Two of those are mine, right?"

"One of these is yours," Jyn corrects, passing him one as she sinks onto the couch, slightly closer than she was before. It's nothing. "One is mine, the other two are in flux."

Schrodinger's beer.

"I just want to feel like myself for once." It sounds like so little to ask for but here it's always too much, too dangerous, or she's too busy with Rey. She doesn't want to be Jyn: Rebel or Jyn: Mother right now, she wants to be Jyn: Girl right now.

He takes it and shakes his head in what could pass for a pseudo-laugh. He notices she's closer when she sits, but it's weirdly - nice. He pops the bottle open and sips it, but the lightness dims for a second after she finishes speaking.

Instead of feeling guilty again about taking over her life again, Cassian just finds himself sympathizing. Relating, in a way. He doesn't really know what he's like outside of the Rebellion, but he knows this whole set up is not himself either. He sighs and holds up his beer for a toast. "I think we can do that tonight."

Maybe Rey will even sleep long enough for them to feel like real people for once! "Does being yourself involve stealing all the drinks?"

Jyn taps the neck of her beer against his, flicker of a smile. "It might."

A moment later, she taps the bottom of her bottle to the top of his, inevitably triggering a foam eruption like a beer volcano.

Should she have done it over the couch that they both hang out on? Probably not. Should she have done it when Cassian is sitting and will have to leap up to save his pants? Also probably not. But the bubble of laughter is like its own volcano and it's probably worth it.

Regular girl Jyn is a butthead.

He is about to argue with her that he deserves at least one more, which seems kind of silly and weird and childish but he's not thinking about it, when she smacks their bottles together again enough to send the foam bubbling out of his beer.

His first instinct is to be annoyed, but then he hears her laugh and the petulance is swept away with the sound of it. He does, however, react on another instinct, which is to slide in closer and let the foam drip all over his pants rather than the couch. Much easier to clean clothes than a cushion. Moving towards it rather than pulling the bottle towards him clearly stops any of the drip from hitting the couch along the way. Logic! He exhales a sigh and rolls his eyes, almost affectionately.

"Well, one of the other ones is definitely mine now. Thanks for that."

Jyn keeps cackling as he tries to save the couch, cheeks flushed with amusement and delight. This is exactly what Jyn needed, because she utterly relaxes into the laughter and the couch. Which means she relaxes into Cassian.

Incidentally.

"I suppose I can share." A beat, another giggle escaping. "Now that you're wearing your drink."

She keeps laughing and he finally cracks the tiniest of smiles. It's because he just downed a whole bottle of beer, clearly! Never mind that his tolerance is ridiculously high.

But Jyn is relaxed. He can tell, because she's literally relaxing against him and he can feel it. It catches his breath for a second, like his heart skips a beat, but she's so smiley and giggly and she deserves it.

"It's not a particularly comfortable fashion statement." He drains what's left in his bottle, settling it on the floor because then he doesn't have to dislodge Jyn in the stretch. "Pass it over then." Hers, not an unopened one.

Her nose crinkles up, but she takes a long sip before she passes it over. She supposes it's fair and they're a team and she did ruin his beer knowing full well it was going to spill all over him. So fine, he gets her beer.

"I didn't mean mine, I meant the other ones." She wants to ask if he's going to change, but that seems... weird, somehow? She doesn't know what she's doing right now. She feels calm for once, with Cassian, and she wants to hold on to it.

He takes it from her and grins a little smugly. "Then you should not have spilled mine," he says, sipping two large gulps of hers before he passes it back over. Apparently they're going to share that one for now?? He doesn't know what made him make that decision, but he's decided against better judgement and decided against questioning it.

"It's not fair if you get more than me, so we split this one." And he should change his pants, but he's not going to do that yet either, because he like the press of her against him, and he might not get it back once he gets up.

He should change, because that can't be comfortable at all. And she caused it so she knows it's true. But she takes her bottle back and takes a sip. "Thanks."

For what? She isn't sure, honestly. For hanging out with her when he doesn't have to, maybe. For being a good father, definitely, but that's an understood. For being her friend? She doesn't know! Everything is all topsy turvy but she likes the weight of him next to her.

"You should take your pants off." She wasn't going to say anything because it would be weird and then she was weird as heck. "To change. Pants."

He makes a bit of a confused face, because it doesn't quite feel like she needs to be thanking him. He waits for her to take a sip, then reaches for it to take another for himself.

Which naturally, for completely unforeseen reasons, happens right when she tells him to take his pants off, so he half chokes on it. It's a sputter, one he catches, and fortunately he makes no more beer messes. It does give him the excuse to look down at his pants though, and he frowns. "I probably should. It's just going to get sticky." He looks over at her carefully, not shy but maybe quiet. "Are you going to steal the rest while I'm gone?"

Can he come back? He wants to come back.

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