He recognizes it for what it is, that she needs some time, but it doesn't bother him. It doesn't feel like she's fleeing in frustration or unhappiness, and she's not arguing against him either.
Rey watches her mama stand up, still gnawing on the tooka, but Cassian notices none of that because Jyn kisses him on the cheek. It startles him. It's not for show. She's done it because he wants to, and for two seconds, Cassian thinks about sliding his hand behind her neck and pulling her down for a real kiss.
Instead he reaches out for her free hand, winding his fingers through hers to give it a squeeze. Rey giggles beneath them, once again muffled thanks to her doll. "Any time, Jyn."
Her heart does a funny pitter patter in her chest when he takes her hand and now she can't flee. She could, easily, it's not as if he is holding her there against her will, it's not as if his grip is impossible to break. Jyn could very easily and very simply keep going and let Cassian's hand fall.
Except she can't.
She licks her lips and nods, looking down at him a little like a deer in headlights. No! She refuses to have any feelings, for him or otherwise. She only likes Rey. Cassian is a natural extension of that affection but it's not... no.
He expects her to pull her hand away, but instead she just stands there, looking at him like she's caught in a trap. He could make it easier on her and just take his own hand back, but he gets too caught up in the way she's looking at him. He can't figure it out, which is normally frustrating but - it's not the usual fatigued stillness she's been plagued with. She licks her lips and his eyes drop to her mouth, just for a second.
He also grapples with that very similar urge to kiss her, only this time it's to just tug on her hand and tug her into his lap. These are definitely not good ideas no matter how strongly he's feeling at her right now.
"The food?" Of course the food, Cassian, what else?? "Save the rest, for lunch tomorrow."
"Yeah, yeah, of course." Of course the food. Get your shit together, Erso. Drawing her hand back, she packs away whatever feelings were trying to manifest, reminding herself that all of this is a fucking act, and heads for the kitchen.
After putting the leftovers away she sinks down in front of the fridge, drawing her legs up in front of her, curling her arms around them.
This is dumb, she reminds herself. She's not really married to him, this is work, work she inadvertently got herself out of by being unable to cope with a newborn. No one is going to invite either of them on a double date anytime soon. She doesn't have feelings, she reasons, she has hormones and too little adult interaction and she likes that he is so good to Rey. That's all.
He misses her hand when she finally takes it away, and he wonders, briefly, what it might be like to take it again sometime. He could test it maybe, next time they're sitting beside each other.
Cassian listens to her puttering in the kitchen until the sounds go quiet. There's the time she needs, but he's slightly more concerned now than he was before she kissed his cheek. It doesn't feel quite the same.
Rey makes a needy noise, having decided it's been too long without either of her parents paying attention to her. Cassian looks down at her and smiles, taking another bite of his dinner. The tooka is a wet, slobbery mess, he doesn't even need to touch it to know. "It's almost bed time for you. I hope you aren't going to give us a hard time tonight."
She kicks her feet at him, and he finishes up his food while occasionally explaining to her what he's eating, just to talk about something with her. She yawns, doll falling out of her mouth, but she immediately grabs it to shove it right back. "Better than the floor."
Jyn decides she wouldn't mind just listening to Cassian talk to their daughter, it's soothing. Even so, when she finally unfolds and comes back into the living room there's something resigned and forlorn about her.
It makes sense, she'd decided, to feel something. She probably can't help but want what her parents had, but she's too much like Saw and that can't be what the galaxy has in store for her so she'd better just get used to it. She might not have volunteered for this job, but she agreed to it and she might as well get over it now, it's been long enough.
"Are you ready for bed, button?" Rey looks up at her, flailing one of her hands. It's the hand clutching flat tooka the hardest though so she pulls it out of her mouth at the same time and looks briefly confused. What happen. Jyn huffs out a laugh. "I'm gonna nurse her to sleep if you want... to join us."
Her posture is completely different by the time she slips back in, and Cassian frowns, the tiniest bit, barely noticeable. It's not unusual for her, but it feels like he's missed a chance to fix it, to keep that calm, happy atmosphere.
He watches Jyn circle around, but he doesn't miss Rey confusing herself. She flails her arms again hard, scrunching up her nose, and letting out a surprised noise when the toy falls out of her hand to land next to her. She looks down at it and stares, like she's expecting it to leap back. Cassian laughs at her again, but he looks back up to Jyn. She doesn't usually offer, but he nods. "I would like to, yes."
He's not ready to step out of this bubble yet, even if it only lasts until Rey falls asleep.
Cassian is now in charge of bringing Rey to Jyn, because she heads off to their room again to clear out Rey's crib of her dirty clothes from that morning and maybe shove all the spit up covered junk in the laundry basket because she should have done that when they were actually spit up on.
She has a feeling he is going to clean up his food as well so she takes her time making sure Rey's bed is clear before she dims the lights and turns on the radio to very low, crawling into the bed and piling the blankets around her like she always does.
Rey leans over to reach for the tooka and ends up faceplanting into the couch. Cassian laughs and thinks he hasn't laughed as much in years as he does at his daughter. He scoops her up into his arms and she jabbers tiredly while still reaching for the tooka, so Cassian reluctantly snatches the soggy doll and gives it to her to snuggle and gnaw on. "You're going to have to give it up soon, you silly girl."
He also grabs his dinner and meanders to the kitchen first as suspected, carrying Rey in one arm. He scrapes the rest of it into a box and then dumps the plate in the sink. The baby drops the tooka on the floor in favor of staring at the sound and this time doesn't seem interested in picking it up again, so Cassian leaves it for later while he stores the box in the fridge then takes her into the bedroom.
"Don't even say the word t-o-o-k-a," he spells it out, like saying it fully will make her remember her toy. "She dropped it and forgot about it. Sometimes her short attention span is a gift."
The room is so quiet and calm and he hopes it lasts; he's careful with his still one armed hold on Rey as he climbs into the bed too, using his free hand for balance as he backs up closer to Jyn. Rey just yawns, uncaring.
Jyn snickers into the blankets. "You know she doesn't know what the word means, don't you? She barely recognizes her own name. Watch."
Sitting up a little, she keeps her voice the same tone as normal. "Rey, do you want to go to sleep?" Rey looks over at her because her mama is talking of course she's going to pay attention but she doesn't seem particularly enthused for bed or even for her mother's attention, blinking slowly.
Jyn's voice shifts, lighter and higher, sweeter. "Rey, do you want to do to sleep?" Seduced by the pitch of Jyn's voice, Rey babbles and chirrups happily, wriggling in Cassian's arms.
He makes a face, this is an attack, but at least Jyn is being easy about it. Rey wriggles and nearly bounces out of his arm, but he catches her quick.
"I wouldn't put it past her to recognize tooka early either way," he says with defeat, grinning softly. He lifts her up, letting her legs dangle. "Do you want mama, Rey? I think she is waiting for you."
She wriggles again, feet kicking idly at his chest while she gurgles. She blows another spit bubble and it pops in Cassian's face; laughing, she looks over at Jyn and jerks her body in what could pass for a baby dance like she's proud.
Jyn has to stifle an outright laugh this time, pressing her lips together. It is easier, to deal with everything, when she has company. Funny how life doesn't seem insurmountable when you've got food in your belly and a companion. Go figure.
"Ah, that's my good girl, come to Mama." Jyn holds her hands out, chuckling more at the way Rey twists like a ribbon like she can worm her way into Jyn's arms all by herself. She's a strong independent baby, she doesn't need help!
"You can leave the spit with your father, mind you. I think I had enough of it this afternoon." Her eyebrows arch up at Cassian as if saying fair's fair.
He deserves that laugh, and he thinks he'd deal with Rey spitting on him twenty more times if it makes Jyn laugh again. This is nice. It's comfortable, sitting here with her, and maybe they aren't in love, but if they could be together like this more often, he doesn't think it'd be so bad anymore.
The only thing Cassian does is tilt his arms closer to Jyn, leaning into Rey's attempted leap. It seems to satisfy her independence, if the gleeful sound she makes is any indication when she finds herself in Jyn's hands.
He shoots Jyn a look and sighs, tickling under Rey's chin. "Yes, I'll take the rest of it, and wipe this mess off in a moment too."
Jyn gathers Rey up, letting her stare at her father while she gets the baby settled against her chest, smoothing her tufts of dark hair back. She wonders briefly if Cassian knows how he looks at Rey, ducking her head to whisper to her daughter again, pointing Rey's tiny hand at Cassian.
"That man loves you, my little starshine. Don't forget that."
Something seems to linger unspoken in the air. Don't forget, like Jyn did. Rey ruins the moment by turning her head toward Jyn and leaving a slobbery, open mouthed kiss against her cheek, much to Jyn's obvious delight, even if she gently scolds: "Don't go getting riled up again, it's bedtime now. Mama and Papa have to sleep sometime his year."
Cassian easily stares right back, pulling faces at her. The silliness abruptly slips into something softer when Jyn speaks up and it feels like the happiness burrowing in his chest right now is undeserved.
He also picks up on the silent part, and his chest aches a little bit for Jyn too. He looks from Rey to Jyn with little change in his expression, because he's not fully aware of how he looks at Rey. It's not always so different from how he catches himself looking at Jyn sometimes. He's so good with words usually, but he finds himself at a loss in this moment.
Until Rey interrupts, naturally. He ducks his head to the side, smiling and collecting himself, before he turns back to wife and daughter. "She definitely doesn't understand what that means."
It's lucky that Rey interrupts really because Jyn doesn't have time to dwell on what that look means because it is The Look, the one he gives Rey like he is marveling at this little beacon of personal hope who loves brightly and without condition.
And he'd looked at her like that.
But Rey saves them both and it's with a calm that only their daughter brings that Jyn resettles her against her chest, sinking down until she's almost completely prone, curled up on her side facing Jyn. Rey knows the drill already and mewls eagerly while Jyn unbuttons her shirt. Once Rey is settled, she puffs out a contented little sigh as she greedily (albeit sleepily) eats, tiny little fingers reaching out for the crystal. Jyn gives in this time, tilting her head slightly to kiss the top of Rey's head.
Cassian's not really sure how to sit or lay that's the least awkward for Jyn, so he settles for sinking down a little lower, leaning on his back against his pillows. He watches Rey anyway, simple because he's incapable of looking at her even for a little while she's near him. She is not awake for this world much longer, and he quietly hopes she'll at least sleep for a few hours solidly.
"Maybe it's shiny enough to grab her attention, and she knows you always have it. Consistency."
"Maybe." Something something object permanence, but Jyn is willing to go with that explanation because there isn't a better one she can think of.
She does reach over Rey to take Cassian's wrist and drag his hand over to settle against Rey's back. Nursing ceased being awkward for Jyn when she'd done it in the middle of a meeting. (Pumping, still the awkward bit because of the whole feeling like a farm animal discomfort.) Cassian is obsessed with his daughter, there is no point in tempering that now just being she's eating.
Kyber Crystals are special, he knows, and he just assumes that has something to do with it. He'd keep going, but Jyn reaches out and pulls his hand in, and the crystal is more or less forgotten.
He settles it immediately on Rey's back, trusting that it's fine even before Jyn says so. It also lets him scooch down to something more eye level, rolling on his side to face them, and he likes this much better. "I wasn't sure the best way to ask."
It's not like she hasn't fed Rey in front of him before, but it felt different in the quiet of their room. They made a literal human being together, but boundaries are still hard, ok. He traces a light, easy circle on his daughter's back and feels her relax more under his touch.
"I'd never taken you for someone that's particularly shy, Captain Andor." Her hand drifts to pat his bicep like my dude, my chum, my buddy, we literally made a baby. Their baby. He doesn't have to ask to be involved with their daughter.
She supposes that's what they've been doing though, their little dance of passing her back and forth. They weren't co-parenting so much as tag teaming. But still! It's a little funny. It's his baby, in his bed, in his house.
He lets out a puff of a laugh. "It's not that." He probably deserves that pat though, he knows all that. Cassian generally doesn't ask to involve himself with Rey, but it's different when it comes to parts that are more directly related to Jyn.
Cassian knows Jyn loves and adores Rey with all her heart, but he does wonder sometimes if she ever blames him for any of the bad parts. It has largely been more like a game of tag with Rey, and they haven't done everything together. He keeps drawing idle shapes over Rey's tiny form. "I know there's very little left to overstep with you, but I still don't want to do it."
"It's not like there's anything remotely sexy about this."
It's her first thought in regards to boundaries, not fully aware that he's probably referring more to the quiet intimacy of Jyn's usually private moments with her daughter. She doesn't mind sharing with him, she'd just built up such a wall before she'd decided earlier to try to be less ornery.
"Look, when it comes to Rey, there's nothing I can think of that I'd fight you against." Formula, sending her to an Imperial daycare, letting her eat junk food, leaving her unvaccinated... okay, there is a lot she would fight over, but nothing that Cassian is likely to bring up. Probably.
"That's not what I meant either." Part of him still feels like he's intruding, interrupting a moment Jyn would rather have with Rey alone, even though she'd basically invited him twice over. His hand stills, so only his thumb is moving over Rey's back. "We don't usually sit here like this together."
He looks from Rey up to Jyn, oddly comforted by what she says. They already tended to agree on most things with regards to Rey's care, but it's sort of nice. It feels like she's trying to reassure him rather than close him out. "But it's the same for me. I have nothing to fight with you about, not with Rey."
A small smile twitches against her mouth, soft and sweet, before she winces as Rey gets a little too sleepily eager and the moment is lost.
"Gentle," she whispers, muttering a maybe not so kind pet name in her father's tongue that loosely translates to little monster. Rey does gentle but it's only because she's half asleep. She's certainly not listening to her mother. Jyn feels like that's some insight into the future, honestly. They're going to have their hands full with Rey once she decides she wants to walk.
Jyn closes her eyes, letting her hand settle against Rey's side and if her fingers brush Cassian's, well. It happens.
He finds himself smiling back in that same small way, before blinking down at Rey when Jyn winces. She is not very old at all, but their daughter's personality is shining through already. Cassian doesn't speak Grange well, but he's heard Jyn use it enough to pick up on the gist of what she calls Rey based on context too.
Her fingers touch his, and he hesitates for a moment, just one, before overlapping them. It's not enough to say they're holding hands, just a tiny weave between their fingertips like a basket around their sleepy daughter. It almost feels too safe and secure, and he can't bring himself to close his own eyes, like maybe it's just a dream. Rey can creep closer to sleep, but despite how relaxed he is, Cassian is far from it.
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ohnofeelstho2017-05-14 03:23 pm
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Rey watches her mama stand up, still gnawing on the tooka, but Cassian notices none of that because Jyn kisses him on the cheek. It startles him. It's not for show. She's done it because he wants to, and for two seconds, Cassian thinks about sliding his hand behind her neck and pulling her down for a real kiss.
Instead he reaches out for her free hand, winding his fingers through hers to give it a squeeze. Rey giggles beneath them, once again muffled thanks to her doll. "Any time, Jyn."
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Except she can't.
She licks her lips and nods, looking down at him a little like a deer in headlights. No! She refuses to have any feelings, for him or otherwise. She only likes Rey. Cassian is a natural extension of that affection but it's not... no.
"It was good."
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He also grapples with that very similar urge to kiss her, only this time it's to just tug on her hand and tug her into his lap. These are definitely not good ideas no matter how strongly he's feeling at her right now.
"The food?" Of course the food, Cassian, what else?? "Save the rest, for lunch tomorrow."
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After putting the leftovers away she sinks down in front of the fridge, drawing her legs up in front of her, curling her arms around them.
This is dumb, she reminds herself. She's not really married to him, this is work, work she inadvertently got herself out of by being unable to cope with a newborn. No one is going to invite either of them on a double date anytime soon. She doesn't have feelings, she reasons, she has hormones and too little adult interaction and she likes that he is so good to Rey. That's all.
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Cassian listens to her puttering in the kitchen until the sounds go quiet. There's the time she needs, but he's slightly more concerned now than he was before she kissed his cheek. It doesn't feel quite the same.
Rey makes a needy noise, having decided it's been too long without either of her parents paying attention to her. Cassian looks down at her and smiles, taking another bite of his dinner. The tooka is a wet, slobbery mess, he doesn't even need to touch it to know. "It's almost bed time for you. I hope you aren't going to give us a hard time tonight."
She kicks her feet at him, and he finishes up his food while occasionally explaining to her what he's eating, just to talk about something with her. She yawns, doll falling out of her mouth, but she immediately grabs it to shove it right back. "Better than the floor."
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It makes sense, she'd decided, to feel something. She probably can't help but want what her parents had, but she's too much like Saw and that can't be what the galaxy has in store for her so she'd better just get used to it. She might not have volunteered for this job, but she agreed to it and she might as well get over it now, it's been long enough.
"Are you ready for bed, button?" Rey looks up at her, flailing one of her hands. It's the hand clutching flat tooka the hardest though so she pulls it out of her mouth at the same time and looks briefly confused. What happen. Jyn huffs out a laugh. "I'm gonna nurse her to sleep if you want... to join us."
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He watches Jyn circle around, but he doesn't miss Rey confusing herself. She flails her arms again hard, scrunching up her nose, and letting out a surprised noise when the toy falls out of her hand to land next to her. She looks down at it and stares, like she's expecting it to leap back. Cassian laughs at her again, but he looks back up to Jyn. She doesn't usually offer, but he nods. "I would like to, yes."
He's not ready to step out of this bubble yet, even if it only lasts until Rey falls asleep.
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Cassian is now in charge of bringing Rey to Jyn, because she heads off to their room again to clear out Rey's crib of her dirty clothes from that morning and maybe shove all the spit up covered junk in the laundry basket because she should have done that when they were actually spit up on.
She has a feeling he is going to clean up his food as well so she takes her time making sure Rey's bed is clear before she dims the lights and turns on the radio to very low, crawling into the bed and piling the blankets around her like she always does.
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He also grabs his dinner and meanders to the kitchen first as suspected, carrying Rey in one arm. He scrapes the rest of it into a box and then dumps the plate in the sink. The baby drops the tooka on the floor in favor of staring at the sound and this time doesn't seem interested in picking it up again, so Cassian leaves it for later while he stores the box in the fridge then takes her into the bedroom.
"Don't even say the word t-o-o-k-a," he spells it out, like saying it fully will make her remember her toy. "She dropped it and forgot about it. Sometimes her short attention span is a gift."
The room is so quiet and calm and he hopes it lasts; he's careful with his still one armed hold on Rey as he climbs into the bed too, using his free hand for balance as he backs up closer to Jyn. Rey just yawns, uncaring.
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Sitting up a little, she keeps her voice the same tone as normal. "Rey, do you want to go to sleep?" Rey looks over at her because her mama is talking of course she's going to pay attention but she doesn't seem particularly enthused for bed or even for her mother's attention, blinking slowly.
Jyn's voice shifts, lighter and higher, sweeter. "Rey, do you want to do to sleep?" Seduced by the pitch of Jyn's voice, Rey babbles and chirrups happily, wriggling in Cassian's arms.
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"I wouldn't put it past her to recognize tooka early either way," he says with defeat, grinning softly. He lifts her up, letting her legs dangle. "Do you want mama, Rey? I think she is waiting for you."
She wriggles again, feet kicking idly at his chest while she gurgles. She blows another spit bubble and it pops in Cassian's face; laughing, she looks over at Jyn and jerks her body in what could pass for a baby dance like she's proud.
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"Ah, that's my good girl, come to Mama." Jyn holds her hands out, chuckling more at the way Rey twists like a ribbon like she can worm her way into Jyn's arms all by herself. She's a strong independent baby, she doesn't need help!
"You can leave the spit with your father, mind you. I think I had enough of it this afternoon." Her eyebrows arch up at Cassian as if saying fair's fair.
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The only thing Cassian does is tilt his arms closer to Jyn, leaning into Rey's attempted leap. It seems to satisfy her independence, if the gleeful sound she makes is any indication when she finds herself in Jyn's hands.
He shoots Jyn a look and sighs, tickling under Rey's chin. "Yes, I'll take the rest of it, and wipe this mess off in a moment too."
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"That man loves you, my little starshine. Don't forget that."
Something seems to linger unspoken in the air. Don't forget, like Jyn did. Rey ruins the moment by turning her head toward Jyn and leaving a slobbery, open mouthed kiss against her cheek, much to Jyn's obvious delight, even if she gently scolds: "Don't go getting riled up again, it's bedtime now. Mama and Papa have to sleep sometime his year."
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He also picks up on the silent part, and his chest aches a little bit for Jyn too. He looks from Rey to Jyn with little change in his expression, because he's not fully aware of how he looks at Rey. It's not always so different from how he catches himself looking at Jyn sometimes. He's so good with words usually, but he finds himself at a loss in this moment.
Until Rey interrupts, naturally. He ducks his head to the side, smiling and collecting himself, before he turns back to wife and daughter. "She definitely doesn't understand what that means."
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And he'd looked at her like that.
But Rey saves them both and it's with a calm that only their daughter brings that Jyn resettles her against her chest, sinking down until she's almost completely prone, curled up on her side facing Jyn. Rey knows the drill already and mewls eagerly while Jyn unbuttons her shirt. Once Rey is settled, she puffs out a contented little sigh as she greedily (albeit sleepily) eats, tiny little fingers reaching out for the crystal. Jyn gives in this time, tilting her head slightly to kiss the top of Rey's head.
"I don't know why she loves this thing so much."
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"Maybe it's shiny enough to grab her attention, and she knows you always have it. Consistency."
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She does reach over Rey to take Cassian's wrist and drag his hand over to settle against Rey's back. Nursing ceased being awkward for Jyn when she'd done it in the middle of a meeting. (Pumping, still the awkward bit because of the whole feeling like a farm animal discomfort.) Cassian is obsessed with his daughter, there is no point in tempering that now just being she's eating.
"It's fine."
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He settles it immediately on Rey's back, trusting that it's fine even before Jyn says so. It also lets him scooch down to something more eye level, rolling on his side to face them, and he likes this much better. "I wasn't sure the best way to ask."
It's not like she hasn't fed Rey in front of him before, but it felt different in the quiet of their room. They made a literal human being together, but boundaries are still hard, ok. He traces a light, easy circle on his daughter's back and feels her relax more under his touch.
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She supposes that's what they've been doing though, their little dance of passing her back and forth. They weren't co-parenting so much as tag teaming. But still! It's a little funny. It's his baby, in his bed, in his house.
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Cassian knows Jyn loves and adores Rey with all her heart, but he does wonder sometimes if she ever blames him for any of the bad parts. It has largely been more like a game of tag with Rey, and they haven't done everything together. He keeps drawing idle shapes over Rey's tiny form. "I know there's very little left to overstep with you, but I still don't want to do it."
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It's her first thought in regards to boundaries, not fully aware that he's probably referring more to the quiet intimacy of Jyn's usually private moments with her daughter. She doesn't mind sharing with him, she'd just built up such a wall before she'd decided earlier to try to be less ornery.
"Look, when it comes to Rey, there's nothing I can think of that I'd fight you against." Formula, sending her to an Imperial daycare, letting her eat junk food, leaving her unvaccinated... okay, there is a lot she would fight over, but nothing that Cassian is likely to bring up. Probably.
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He looks from Rey up to Jyn, oddly comforted by what she says. They already tended to agree on most things with regards to Rey's care, but it's sort of nice. It feels like she's trying to reassure him rather than close him out. "But it's the same for me. I have nothing to fight with you about, not with Rey."
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"Gentle," she whispers, muttering a maybe not so kind pet name in her father's tongue that loosely translates to little monster. Rey does gentle but it's only because she's half asleep. She's certainly not listening to her mother. Jyn feels like that's some insight into the future, honestly. They're going to have their hands full with Rey once she decides she wants to walk.
Jyn closes her eyes, letting her hand settle against Rey's side and if her fingers brush Cassian's, well. It happens.
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Her fingers touch his, and he hesitates for a moment, just one, before overlapping them. It's not enough to say they're holding hands, just a tiny weave between their fingertips like a basket around their sleepy daughter. It almost feels too safe and secure, and he can't bring himself to close his own eyes, like maybe it's just a dream. Rey can creep closer to sleep, but despite how relaxed he is, Cassian is far from it.
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