ohnofeelstho | spies and parents never sleep

Ah, the tooka. Rey is obsessed with it, and Cassian quietly laughs again when she shoves it in her mouth. "Is five a safe number?" He does not want to listen to her wails should she lose it forever.

Jyn takes the plate, and he almost does the same, but he claps his hands on his knees instead "I'm going to change first." He looks back to Rey and pokes her cheek. "Don't eat my food, you got it?" Her only response is to keep gumming at the tooka, but when he stands up her bright eyes follow him, head tilting awkwardly until he disappears from her line of sight. She immediately looks back to Jyn, still sucking on the doll.

Rey isn't the only one that follows him as he leaves, but Jyn is at least subtle about it. She feels a strange bereft feeling being apart from him, but she pushes it aside, looking down at Rey.

"Alright, love, he's not looking, we'll eat all of Papa's dinner before he comes back." That's loud enough for Cassian to hear, but as a stage whisper, even if Rey is too young to get the humor of it all. It hasn't been this... relaxed in the house lately. There were times, when Jyn was pregnant and she would hold Cassian's hand against Rey's frantic kicking, when whatever seemingly permanent tension between them broke for the moment, but it never lasted long.

Fuck, she's so tired of being angry all the time.

Rey tips over onto her side, wiggling until she's on her back, still gnawing on the tooka and kicking her feet against Jyn's thigh -- it's not hard enough to hurt but it's hard enough to bruise. Satisfied that Rey's happy enough to keep entertaining herself, Jyn finally starts eating, slow and steady. It's kriffing delicious.

He grins like an idiot when he hears Jyn's teasing. It's nice to peel off his work clothes, because they always feel like a certain level of fake. His sweatpants are much more comfortable. He's also apparently eager to get back into the living room, feeling like that minute is already too long away from them and the easy air they somehow created. He grabs his shirt and tugs it on as he's walking back into the living room, pulling it down fully when he comes back around the couch.

Cassian notices right away Jyn is eating but wisely stays quiet. Not that it's hard, when Rey continues to have an entire existence based on being cute. "I see someone got tired of sitting upright."

Rey's head rolls towards the sound of his voice and she gives Jyn an extra hard but gleeful kick that he's come back. He sits down and she makes a noise, muffled by a mouthful of cloth she refuses to relinquish. He reaches for his own plate, even as he keeps watching Rey for a few more moments. "Thank you for saving me some," he says to her and she just grunts at him.

Oh.

Jyn's seen Cassian full naked before, more than once, she got pregnant for a reason, but it's not the heat of the moment right now and so the flash of his downright unreasonable abs is something of a shock. On the other hand, good to know she can actually still feel things.

All is not lost.

"She thought it was quite delicious." Which means Jyn thinks it's quite delicious, but nah why would she admit that when Rey can say it on her behalf. "Stuffed herself silly."

Cassian is completely oblivious to it, too interested in his daughter even if the part he does recognize is Jyn telling him the food is good; he steals a glance at her, smiling a little softly and gratefully, before Rey flails her arm and punches his leg with her tiny fist.

"She's got to keep eating a lot if she wants to keep throwing her fists around. But don't overdo it." Rey is apparently more idly content to listen to them talk than interact, because the tooka is serious business. But it does let Cassian start eating his own dinner, so he's not going to complain. "It's just vegetables today."

"She's got stronger legs anyway." Leaning forward, Jyn sets the plate back on the table, only half eaten because she's already full, and shifts a bit to lift her hips so she can drag down the waist of her pants to show the mottled bruise Rey had already left on her thigh from this exact situation -- sans Cassian -- a few days ago. It looks like she'd been hit once by a grown adult and not repeatedly kicked by a tiny infant.

"She's a menace."

There's a moment of confusion when she starts pulling her pants down, as well as a moment where he is very distracted by her leg, but then he's frowning at the bruise. He reaches out to touch it in concern, then stops about halfway over Rey and pulls his hand back.

"Maybe she does not need to eat so much to keep it up then. She's kicked me quite hard before, but never enough consistently to bruise."

Cassian also says approximately nothing when Jyn sets her plate aside, because hey! She ate half! Which is more than usual! And now he knows a better estimate of how much food to make for next time.

"You've not been trapped at home with her everyday lately. I sit down beside her for a second and she has a go at me." And when Jyn resettles on the couch Rey kicks at her again, drawing a snort from Jyn.

It doesn't help that when she is nursing Rey will kick her feet and bang her heels against the exact same spot.

"It doesn't hurt, but it's mad, isn't it? She's so small."

"You could move her. She won't stop kicking you, but at least it wouldn't be in the same spot all the time."

He reaches over with one hand and holds her leg up in the air. She gurgles what could be a giggle through the tooka, but when he lets go of her, she whams her foot right back into Jyn.

Cassian shakes his head, letting out a puff of a disbelieving laugh. "I suppose there are worse ways to get a bruise than a strangely strong infant."

"Should have seen it coming though, shouldn't we? She kicked all the time before she was born. If she'd been in there any longer she would have broken a rib." Maybe. Probably.

Patiently, Jyn hefts Rey up so she's sitting again and the baby's face scrunches up like she is unhappy with this turn of events. She liked laying down and kicking her feet and now she's up and kicking her feet and she makes a low whine. Is she going to cry? She's certainly thinking about it.

Jyn gathers Rey's cheeks in her hands and leans down to kiss her forehead and her nose and her cheeks and all over her face until Rey spits out the tooka and gives into wild baby laughter. "There's my happy girl."

He didn't feel it himself, obviously, but Jyn complained enough about how much Rey moved around that he laughs again. "Ready to run before she was even ready."

Cassian watches Jyn shift Rey around, and he'd be very amused by her put upon face if he wasn't preparing himself for crying in two seconds. But Jyn swoops in, and Cassian's heart stops.

How can she possibly think she's not a good mother? She's so soft with Rey, and Cassian rarely gets to see it, that it's almost too much right now. It's one of the best things he's ever seen, his expression soft and easy, at both of them this time and not just his infant. "She is happy because of you."

Jyn looks up, face still hovering near Rey enough to drop another kiss on her head before her attention diverts completely to Cassian. Her forehead wrinkles, almost like she's mimicking Rey, crease between her eyebrows.

"Why are you looking at me like that?" Because it is her. He's looking at Rey the way he always does but she can tell he's looking at her the same. It's disconcerting, but not in a particularly bad way.

Maybe not in a bad way. She thinks.

He freezes for a second like he's been caught with his hand in the cookie jar, but he refuses to look away. His expression shifts a little, more closed off but not closing her off. It's because he's put himself in a weird spot, but he pushes through it.

"It's -" It's not nothing, despite being the first instinctual response. She's been so down, she doesn't deserve to hear it's nothing. He doesn't speak with his Rey voice, but it's still kind of soft, not nervous but maybe tentative. "You're so good with her, Jyn. Whether or not you see it, I do."

"Oh."

Jyn straightens up a little, one hand leaving Rey to tuck her necklace back in her shirt because she can feel the baby trying to reach for it without having to look. It's exactly what Jyn needs to hear, because she doesn't trust that she's a good parent at all, even if she can blindly attend to her daughter's needs almost without paying attention. Her other hand shifts to lift up the flat tooka again and Rey immediately returns it to her mouth, once again satisfied with life.

"I--" It's habit to say no, to brush it off, but her head jerks in a nod instead. "Thanks."

He worries for a second that he's made her uncomfortable, but he's quick to notice she's more surprised. Given what he'd overheard, what he'd picked up on, he's not surprised. All he hopes is that maybe she starts to believe him.

It lets him feel like he can be a little softer again, even if he offsets it by dropping his gaze back down to Rey. "Of course," he says, teasing like he's going to take the tooka, and Rey clutches it with her tiny hands. He's still kind of overwhelmed with his own sudden and complete affection towards Jyn, but he's not about to push that on her too. "And Rey knows it too. Don't you, little star? Your mama is wonderful."

Jyn has to bite back a smile, having to shake herself to look away from him. It's not a surprise to her that he's good with Rey, he's good at everything he does. (Which is irritating as much as it is attractive.)

Deciding she needs a few minutes to herself, Jyn pushes herself off the couch, picking up her plate so she can flee with putting her leftovers away as an excuse. And she is fleeing, escaping feelings she refuses to process or name or contemplate in anyway whatsoever.

"Thanks for dinner." Before she moves away from the couch, she leans down and kisses Cassian on the cheek, lingering -- unheard of affection without an audience to sell their marriage to.

He recognizes it for what it is, that she needs some time, but it doesn't bother him. It doesn't feel like she's fleeing in frustration or unhappiness, and she's not arguing against him either.

Rey watches her mama stand up, still gnawing on the tooka, but Cassian notices none of that because Jyn kisses him on the cheek. It startles him. It's not for show. She's done it because he wants to, and for two seconds, Cassian thinks about sliding his hand behind her neck and pulling her down for a real kiss.

Instead he reaches out for her free hand, winding his fingers through hers to give it a squeeze. Rey giggles beneath them, once again muffled thanks to her doll. "Any time, Jyn."

Her heart does a funny pitter patter in her chest when he takes her hand and now she can't flee. She could, easily, it's not as if he is holding her there against her will, it's not as if his grip is impossible to break. Jyn could very easily and very simply keep going and let Cassian's hand fall.

Except she can't.

She licks her lips and nods, looking down at him a little like a deer in headlights. No! She refuses to have any feelings, for him or otherwise. She only likes Rey. Cassian is a natural extension of that affection but it's not... no.

"It was good."

He expects her to pull her hand away, but instead she just stands there, looking at him like she's caught in a trap. He could make it easier on her and just take his own hand back, but he gets too caught up in the way she's looking at him. He can't figure it out, which is normally frustrating but - it's not the usual fatigued stillness she's been plagued with. She licks her lips and his eyes drop to her mouth, just for a second.

He also grapples with that very similar urge to kiss her, only this time it's to just tug on her hand and tug her into his lap. These are definitely not good ideas no matter how strongly he's feeling at her right now.

"The food?" Of course the food, Cassian, what else?? "Save the rest, for lunch tomorrow."

Edited 2017-08-07 06:52 (UTC)

"Yeah, yeah, of course." Of course the food. Get your shit together, Erso. Drawing her hand back, she packs away whatever feelings were trying to manifest, reminding herself that all of this is a fucking act, and heads for the kitchen.

After putting the leftovers away she sinks down in front of the fridge, drawing her legs up in front of her, curling her arms around them.

This is dumb, she reminds herself. She's not really married to him, this is work, work she inadvertently got herself out of by being unable to cope with a newborn. No one is going to invite either of them on a double date anytime soon. She doesn't have feelings, she reasons, she has hormones and too little adult interaction and she likes that he is so good to Rey. That's all.

He misses her hand when she finally takes it away, and he wonders, briefly, what it might be like to take it again sometime. He could test it maybe, next time they're sitting beside each other.

Cassian listens to her puttering in the kitchen until the sounds go quiet. There's the time she needs, but he's slightly more concerned now than he was before she kissed his cheek. It doesn't feel quite the same.

Rey makes a needy noise, having decided it's been too long without either of her parents paying attention to her. Cassian looks down at her and smiles, taking another bite of his dinner. The tooka is a wet, slobbery mess, he doesn't even need to touch it to know. "It's almost bed time for you. I hope you aren't going to give us a hard time tonight."

She kicks her feet at him, and he finishes up his food while occasionally explaining to her what he's eating, just to talk about something with her. She yawns, doll falling out of her mouth, but she immediately grabs it to shove it right back. "Better than the floor."

Jyn decides she wouldn't mind just listening to Cassian talk to their daughter, it's soothing. Even so, when she finally unfolds and comes back into the living room there's something resigned and forlorn about her.

It makes sense, she'd decided, to feel something. She probably can't help but want what her parents had, but she's too much like Saw and that can't be what the galaxy has in store for her so she'd better just get used to it. She might not have volunteered for this job, but she agreed to it and she might as well get over it now, it's been long enough.

"Are you ready for bed, button?" Rey looks up at her, flailing one of her hands. It's the hand clutching flat tooka the hardest though so she pulls it out of her mouth at the same time and looks briefly confused. What happen. Jyn huffs out a laugh. "I'm gonna nurse her to sleep if you want... to join us."

Her posture is completely different by the time she slips back in, and Cassian frowns, the tiniest bit, barely noticeable. It's not unusual for her, but it feels like he's missed a chance to fix it, to keep that calm, happy atmosphere.

He watches Jyn circle around, but he doesn't miss Rey confusing herself. She flails her arms again hard, scrunching up her nose, and letting out a surprised noise when the toy falls out of her hand to land next to her. She looks down at it and stares, like she's expecting it to leap back. Cassian laughs at her again, but he looks back up to Jyn. She doesn't usually offer, but he nods. "I would like to, yes."

He's not ready to step out of this bubble yet, even if it only lasts until Rey falls asleep.

"Come on then."

Cassian is now in charge of bringing Rey to Jyn, because she heads off to their room again to clear out Rey's crib of her dirty clothes from that morning and maybe shove all the spit up covered junk in the laundry basket because she should have done that when they were actually spit up on.

She has a feeling he is going to clean up his food as well so she takes her time making sure Rey's bed is clear before she dims the lights and turns on the radio to very low, crawling into the bed and piling the blankets around her like she always does.

Rey leans over to reach for the tooka and ends up faceplanting into the couch. Cassian laughs and thinks he hasn't laughed as much in years as he does at his daughter. He scoops her up into his arms and she jabbers tiredly while still reaching for the tooka, so Cassian reluctantly snatches the soggy doll and gives it to her to snuggle and gnaw on. "You're going to have to give it up soon, you silly girl."

He also grabs his dinner and meanders to the kitchen first as suspected, carrying Rey in one arm. He scrapes the rest of it into a box and then dumps the plate in the sink. The baby drops the tooka on the floor in favor of staring at the sound and this time doesn't seem interested in picking it up again, so Cassian leaves it for later while he stores the box in the fridge then takes her into the bedroom.

"Don't even say the word t-o-o-k-a," he spells it out, like saying it fully will make her remember her toy. "She dropped it and forgot about it. Sometimes her short attention span is a gift."

The room is so quiet and calm and he hopes it lasts; he's careful with his still one armed hold on Rey as he climbs into the bed too, using his free hand for balance as he backs up closer to Jyn. Rey just yawns, uncaring.

Edited 2017-08-08 00:29 (UTC)

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