ohnofeelstho | spies and parents never sleep

Jyn's sitting up in bed, at least, back against the headboard and legs folded in front of her. She watches as Cassian rocks Rey around the room, but her eyes linger on his face instead of their daughter's perfect, miniature features.

"I hate this," she admits quietly, anxiously folding and unfolding and refolding one of Reys teeny tiny onesies in her lap. She doesn't hate the onesie, of course, she melted a little at the sight of tiny clothes when they'd first gone out of buy them. They're so small.

"We don't deserve her, Cassian." Which is the truth, harsh as it may be. "What are they going to do with her when this is all over?" Surely they aren't going to be allowed to keep her, not with what they've done, not with what they're doing.

He looks at her when she speaks, surprised to find she's looking at him not Rey. He doesn't look away, even though he still hasn't stopped moving around. He also knows immediately what she means when she says she hates this, and he knows he does too.

Just like he knows she's right. They don't deserve Rey and all her goodness. Cassian looks at the tiny face of his daughter and his heart aches. He loves her implicitly, but the entire circumstances of her existence are terrible. He's terrible. He'd agreed to the mission in the first place. The same hands that are holding this baby are the ones that killed an Imperial barely two weeks ago.

But the thought of someone taking Rey away has his grip securing around her, like they're going to burst in right now. His voice is stern, a quick break from the humming. "No one is taking her from us." Cassian isn't sure what comes of he and Jyn when they're free of this, but he isn't going to give up Rey for anything. "Maybe she does deserve something better, but she is mine and yours. I won't let them. She does not belong to this life, but she does not belong to the Alliance either."

Jyn scrambles to kneel on the edge of the bed, still worrying the baby clothes between her hands, not incredibly subtle in her need to be closer to the baby in question.

She knows that he is right -- she needs to eat, regardless of her lack of appetite, but it seems so pointless. Everything seems pointless. Their entire life is a farce and they'd brought an innocent child into it because they're terrible people. She can't seem to get past that. How could they do this to a child.

"And what about us? Are we just going to trade her off for the rest of her life?" Workable, she supposes, but not particularly a life she'd choose for a little girl.

After a few moments, Cassian moves closer, coming to stand at the very same edge of the bed to let Jyn be closer to Rey. He's still swaying with the fledgling tiny whimpers, but the baby is far calmer.

"I've known plenty of parents who were not together," he says quietly. It's not ideal at all; it's more things Rey probably doesn't deserve, but he and Jyn aren't in love. She in all likelihood hates him, which is fair, because he hates himself.

If he's being honest, Cassian hasn't thought much of the after. He never has when he's on the job, but especially now when the after involves a child he helped create. The after of his missions is usually just him and his isolation. He sighs a little, suddenly very very tired. He knows how important this is, he knows he's done invaluable service against the Empire, but it feels wrong that Rey wasn't a real choice. It wasn't like they were ordered to have children, but the expectation always hovered. Jyn got pregnant because they were careless, and Draven treated it like a mission success, like Rey wasn't a real person being dragged into a shitty situation.

He kisses her forehead, and she makes a cooing sound instead of a whine. "She is the only good thing I have ever done, Jyn. We are real to her right now, and that has to count for something. We'll make what comes after our choice. She deserves that."

Her fingers stretch out, pushing back Rey's downy soft hair, back of her finger brushing across Rey's cheek as she stares up at her father. After a moment, Jyn's eyes follow Rey's to look up at Cassian, mouth slanted into a frown.

God, even when she's kneeling on the bed and he's standing, he's so much taller than her.

"Do you really think so?" As careful as Jyn can be around Cassian, as pragmatic, she really does trust him -- insomuch as she trusts anyone. He knows the Alliance better than she does and if he thinks they can survive this intact with their daughter, she will trust that. "I love her so much, more than anything in the entire galaxy, I can't lose her. She's the only good thing I've ever done either."

She looks down at the baby nestled in Cassian's arms again, mouth lifting into a weak smile. "You're the best of both of us, starshine. I'm so sorry."

Without even thinking, Cassian leans in to make it easier for Jyn to to touch the baby, and Rey makes a soft sound when she does. He meets her gaze and can't quite look away.

He lets the question hang in the air, because he wants to think so, he wants to know so, but all he has is a tiny bit of hope Rey herself instills in him. Cassian thought he knew already what he was capable of, but he thinks Rey might push the line further.

"We're not going to lose her," he says, deeming Rey comforted enough for him to sit on the edge of the bed. "They won't take her from us when this is over, because they won't - care." It feels callous to say, and it makes him feel kind of hollow, knowing how much of himself he's given over to the Alliance against how Draven categorizes his daughter. "We'll be offered resources to whatever means, but she is our responsibility. I love her more than anything too, and when this is over, we can give her something good."

Jyn settles next to him, tiny smile turning back into a deep frown. How can they not care? They'd sent her and Cassian out here and congratulated them on furthering the act when they'd found out Jyn was pregnant, but when it's all over they simply won't give a fuck about the collateral damage?

Still, as offended as Jyn is, that's comforting. If Rey isn't important to them, no one will try to take her from her parents.

"One day," Jyn murmurs, running her finger down the bridge of Rey's nose, snorting with idle amusement when she grabs at Jyn's hand to gum at her finger. Whatever she was aiming for gets momentarily delayed by being briefly overwhelmed by the flood of warmth and affection for her daughter. How is this little girl so pure and innocent and still so wholly loving for her awful parents? "One day, when this is over, she will be ours, only ours. Our Rey Andor."

It's not that they wouldn't care he supposes - but right now Rey's importance is tied up in the mission. After will come more of the guilt from all parties, but Cassian can't imagine them taking her, not unless he and Jyn didn't want her. And that's not an option.

When Rey grabs at Jyn's finger and tries to inhale it, some of that hollowness in his chest dissipates and he smiles again, faintly. He can't just waste away anymore, not with Rey filling up so much of him. If there was anything good in him, Rey got it all, but he's okay with it.

Cassian brushes at some of her hair, feeling warm, and it's welcome against how awful the air was. "I like the sound of that."

Does he mean the 'ours' or the 'Rey Andor,' honestly he probably doesn't even know. Maybe both. He turns on the soft voice again, talking at her. "I bet she does too."

For a long few moments, Jyn just watches their daughter as if transfixed by everything about her -- which she is. In order to see to their daughter being theirs, she supposes that she has to actually make it that far.

Her voice is low when she finally mutters, "I'll eat." A beat, just as low. "I'm cold again."

Maybe... he'll put his arm around her again. Maybe that is a thing that could happen because she felt safe and warm with his arm around her, even if she won't admit it.

Relief sinks into him when she says she'll eat, a weight off his shoulders he hadn't known was there. It wasn't just for Rey that he wanted her to eat more, he realizes.

"I'll make your favorite," he says just as quietly. When she says she's cold, Cassian picks up immediately what she wants and wonders when he started to be able to read her so well. He shifts Rey away from his shoulder, settling her into a one armed cradle. She lets out a quiet, happy coo at the sight of her mother, and Cassian drops his free arm around Jyn's shoulder. "Come here."

"You hate my favorite," Jyn comments, almost like she doesn't believe he'll make it. Not to mention the fact that she knows they don't have the strange crustacean in the house because Jyn hasn't bought it recently.

Speaking of things Jyn hasn't done recently, Cassian's arm goes around her shoulders and she suddenly realizes she hasn't showered all day because she was too busy with Rey's fussiness and she immediately leaps to her feet and away from the bed.

"I-- I need to shower." This seems really pressing all of a sudden, probably because some of her tension had lifted and also because Cassian smells good, whatever. "Make me your favorite, yeah? And I'll shower and give Rey her bath while I'm at it."

He does hate her favorite because it's disgusting, but he is willing to make it for her. "I cook things I don't like all the time."

Jyn leaps away so suddenly that Cassian's arm actually hovers in the air over the empty space for a good few seconds in confusion. But he's not about to fight her on the shower, when she's had a hard time motivating herself for that lately too.

He drops his arm down, curling it around Rey, who's just idly babbling into the void above her. "Are you sure? I can bathe her after we eat."

"No, it's alright. She likes the spray." Usually Jyn takes Rey into the 'fresher with her during the day, showering while Rey sits in her little tub on the other side and tries to catch the water droplets in her chubby little hands. It's a hoot, she loves it. "We do this every day, don't we, button?"

How many nicknames does Jyn have for Rey? So many.

She reaches out for their daughter, but waits for Cassian to pass her over instead of scooping her out of his arms which she would normally do. The tension had drained, but she's still twitchy from having snapped at him earlier and doesn't want to cause that tension again.

He smiles when she calls Rey button, having never heard Jyn use it before. It's a satisfying answer; he'd mostly offered because he was worried Jyn was still tired and he still wanted to give her a break.

Cassian doesn't even need to stand up to pass over Rey, settling her easily in Jyn's arms. She makes another noise at the transfer, and he leans in to kiss her forehead again. Rey flails her little arms and huffs.

"Let me know if you want me to come take her, when she's finished." She probably won't, but he offers anyway. "Time to get nice and clean, Rey. Be good for your mama."

Jyn shifts Rey so her back is pressed against Jyn's chest, holding her around the middle to leave her legs dangling and kicking happily. Jyn makes her wave at Cassian. It's the cutest thing on the planet, literally.

"Say bye bye to Papa. He won't recognize us when we're nice and clean." Rey gurgles like she is saying that exactly, trying to wave like Jyn had just made her do while Jyn backs up toward the 'fresher door. "Bye, Papa, see you later."

She ducks the two of them into the 'fresher, though she doesn't close the door fully behind her so he gets to hear her talking to Rey as she gets them sorted out. Jyn doesn't seem to realize, focused on the baby. "You have a very good papa, Rey. Sometimes we don't get along but that's my fault." Rey chirrups, a little squawk. "Yes, I know, my love, I didn't say you have a very good mother. I'm working on it. Mama..." She sighs and it sounds sad. "I like him, I just--"

Whatever else she says is cut off by the shower turning on.

It is literally the cutest thing on the planet, and Cassian melts at the sight. It's almost too much, his heart is going to explode. He waves back at her, smiling wide and bright, flashing that same smile for a second at Jyn. "See you soon, little star."

He's still smiling even when Jyn disappears into the fresher, sitting on the bed like he was stunned by the cute. He stands up after a moment, pausing when he hears Jyn and Rey's chatter, but his smile shrinks away when he hears her talking about herself. Cassian stills, listening to the sound of the shower and the happy shriek of his daughter. They're in similar states, apparently, each thinking the other is a far better parent.

He putters in the kitchen, trying to find something he knows she likes. She did tell him to make his favorite, but he wants to do something nice for her anyway. Something light and easy on her stomach. He yanks out all her favorite veggies and fries them up, before rolling them up in a soft shell. By the time Jyn and Rey are finished, he'll probably be done too, with two plates set up in the living room, mostly because he thinks she'll be more comfortable there than in the kitchen, and they can rest Rey between them on the couch.

By herself, Jyn lingers in the shower, water far too hot. With Rey, she can't push the heat that much so there isn't any reason to waste her time under the spray. Plus, Rey is too cute to ignore and she loves the gleeful giggles that burst out when Jyn washes the soap bubbles over her.

She cleans them both up quickly enough, wrapping Rey up like a burrito on the bed so she can dry herself off first and pull her favorite ultra soft pajamas on, piling her hair up in a messy bun.

Rey is snug in her own pajamas with a matching hat, curled in Jyn's arms and pawing at her necklace when Jyn brings her back into the living room, settling on the couch and tucking her legs up underneath her. Jyn doesn't seem to mind having her necklace yanked on, looking over at Cassian. "Have you always called her that, little star?"

Despite himself, his face lights up when they come back out looking fresh and comfortable. He hasn't started eating yet, but he's leaning back into the couch. "I have," he says, voice quiet. "It just felt like it suited her, though with starshine we seem to have found a theme."

He likes that they both found star names for her. She is absolutely the brightest star. His gaze drops to her necklace for a second and the careless way Rey plays with it, but then he bops her lightly on the hat on her head. "I feel like I should be wearing my own nightclothes."

"You should. It's very comfortable." Her stomach rolls over at the sight of the food, so she holds on to Rey a little longer, to postpone having to eat. She only pries the crystal away from Rey when it looks like she's going to try to eat it.

"My father called me stardust." As a rule, Jyn doesn't speak of her father unless absolutely necessary and never in private, but here they are, in the privacy of their own home. She's much more likely to mention Lyra or Saw, but Galen Erso is almost a non-starter.

"Starshine felt natural." She looks down at Rey. "All that light and energy."

He should probably shower before pajamas, but he also doesn't want to ruin this nice good potential sit down meal. Jyn agreed to eat, they're together with Rey, and Cassian feels like if he steps away, it'll be broken again. He'll go shove on some old sweatpants in a second.

He shifts his gaze from Rey to Jyn when she mentions her father, his brain already telling him to tread carefully. "It suits you. And her too. She's so very bright," he says, then pokes Rey on the nose. She squeaks and goes a little cross-eyed staring at his finger. "Little star comes from a phrase in Fest."

"Papa said it was because of my eyes." She feels, now, that maybe it is sort of fitting. Stardust is what is left over when a star dies, an existence fueled by loss. Rey is still shining so brightly. And she is very little.

"Are you going-- do you tell her about Fest?" They're not there and she doesn't think it's likely they'll ever go there but Fest is where Cassian is from, it's part of Rey's heritage too. Between them only Cassian really has someplace he can say he's from, Jyn's early life was to transient to have a home and certainly not an identity tied into it.

Well, now he needs to look at her eyes. He's seen them before obviously, even noted the coloration, but it's different now when he relates it to the stardust nickname. He's distracted for a moment by her eyes. He's always found them very pretty. "I can see that too." Well that's out before he thinks about it.

But then she brings up Fest and he looks back down to Rey. He smiles at her while she wriggles around. "A little bit. I was too small to remember a lot. I'll probably tell her more when she's older and not just listening to the sound of our voices."

Jyn manages not to look away out of some sheer stubborness but she can feel the ghost of a flush beginning before he thankfully turns his attention back to Rey. It's always obvious how completely in love with his daughter he is and it's been something of a comfort since the day Rey was born -- now it's a comfort because she can use Rey to distract.

She shifts Rey out of her lap, settled between them and tucked against the back of the couch where she peers out at them both from her new vantage point. She thinks about it, seemingly deciding if she's going to have a fit about it, and then chirps happily with a jerky wave of her arms. "She's a glutton for the attention, aren't you, love?

Edited 2017-08-06 17:08 (UTC)

He thinks he catches a glimpse of Jyn's face going red, but he brushes it off and forgets, because Rey. He doesn't take his eyes off her while Jyn shuffles her to sit up on the couch, and he laughs over the face she makes and sheer delight of her new perch.

"She likes to see what's going on, don't you? And you can see us both from there, can't you?" Rey flails her arms again and gurgles excitedly. The truth is maybe she's not used to interacting with both of them for so long, but if this is how she gets, Cassian thinks he'll try to fix that, at least a little bit. "We will give you so much attention, as much as you want." She nearly bounces on the cushion from all the arm flailing going on, and Cassian is so utterly charmed.

"You're going to spoil her." Says the woman that barely lets her cry, who would have absolutely let her drink the rest of the milk, and spends 96% of her day attending to the tiny child like she's a bloody princess. Says the woman who stretches her fingers out to tickle Rey's belly because it causes those little bleats of laughter that melt Jyn's heart into a puddle of affection.

"Tell Papa you shan't be a rotten little girl. You're going to have chores... once you know what that means. And you're not going to be one of those babies with loads of toys you never play with." Rey blows a spit bubble at Jyn, like she doesn't like this decree, and Jyn bursts into laughter. "What's that, you wee rude child?"

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