ohnofeelstho | spies and parents never sleep

Cassian looks down briefly when he senses Jyn stirring, and his smile softens with what she says, grateful she can't see him. He doesn't quite know what to make of it, especially still tangled up with her in his lap, and it sort of makes his stomach flutter.

Rey makes another happy noise, her head tilting towards the sound of Jyn's voice, and her nose scrunches up when she realizes she can't see her mama. She gargles and shakes her arms eagerly.

"It looks like we woke her up anyway, didn't we Rey? I bet you can smile for her too." The way Cassian talks to Rey is far softer than he speaks to anyone else, which offset by the way he smiles at her too, maybe Jyn does have a small point. He is very gentle with his daughter, and there's no way she doesn't notice. "Where is she, huh? You can't see her, but she is here with us."

Slowly, Jyn sits up, bracing her hand on Cassian's knee in order to push herself up again. She can't tell if the nap refreshed her, but she doesn't feel like her eyes are made of sand anymore so it definitely had an effect.

"I'm right here." Not that it really assures Rey, what with the lack of object permanence, but the way her feet kick happily at least tugs a smile onto Jyn's expression, soft even though it's still tired. She reaches out to tap Rey on the nose. "Who do you want to feed you tonight, hmm starshine? Mama or Papa?"

Sometimes Jyn feels like a bantha but. She has to admit she likes knowing she's at least has Rey's hunger under control. Her eyes flicker up to Cassian, smile still lingering. "There's more bottles in the fridge, if you'd like to."

Rey lets out a sound that could be some sort of squeal when she sees Jyn and hears her keep talking. She's a very squirmy happy baby right now. When Jyn taps her on the nose, she smiles again.

"I told you she'd smile for you," Cassian mumbles, even if he keeps his eyes on Rey.

The baby looks to Cassian, then to Jyn, then back to Cassian, sort of like she can't figure out where she's going to go. She lets out a shrill noise then flails her arms.

"I can do it, if you want." Jyn very clearly had a tiring day, and it is no trouble at all for him to feed Rey to give her a little more of a break. He pauses for a second, moving his finger around in the air and watching Rey chase it with her eyes. "Will you stay, while she eats?"

"I'll have to express anyway," Jyn answers lamely. It doesn't preclude her from staying, because when she's alone she usually takes care of it on the couch anyway, but it is a bit weird. She knows she can just give Rey formula, but she trusts approximately zero Imperial things being ingested by her daughter, even if it's irrational.

In any case, Jyn is too tired to care, but she's offering Cassian an out for having to watch Jyn wrapped in blankets with bottles of fresh milk occasionally being pushed through the blankets and set on the coffee table. It's odd.

Rey reaches out and grabs Cassian's finger, and he beams down at her. "Good job!"

He steals a sideways glance at Jyn. "If you'd rather the privacy, I can go to our room." Rey tugs on his finger, and he pretends to give in to her strength, making a surprised face at her. Even though he's talking to Jyn, he keeps his voice at baby levels to keep entertaining said baby. "But I don't mind or care. She'd probably like you to stay too."

"No, it's fine." She smiles at the baby. Half at the baby, half at Cassian's antics, really. She leans over to tickle Rey's belly, rewarded with bleats of gleeful laughter. "You're so strong, starshine, be gentle with Papa."

Jyn stands again, stretching again, wincing a little from stiff muscles. "I'll get her dinner."

With a small smile, she turns to the kitchen to fetch and warm Rey's bottle, gathering up all the supplies she needs for filling new bottles before she returns. She sets the empty bottles in a line on the coffee table, passing Cassian Rey's bottle, before she settles back on to the couch and wraps the blanket around her shoulders to finish the set up. She has it down to a science.

"You're going to be so strong one day!" He'll just keep on that track, even if he shoots Jyn a bright and thankful smile without thinking when she stands up to leave.

Cassian is still talking to Rey by the time Jyn comes back, but he adjusts her to fit in the curve of his arm so he can pop the bottle in her mouth. She greedily accepts and mumbles hungrily while she drinks.

It's very strange to be sitting on the couch with Jyn and Rey, not because of what she's doing so much as they rarely come together like this all three of them. Cassian is a spy and a murderer but he's got a tiny bundle of himself and Jyn in his arms, and she is the definition of innocent - and he sort of wishes it didn't feel like a trade off between him and Jyn sometimes. There's a strange comfort in having her next to him still. "She devours it like you'd think we don't ever feed her."

One by one the empty bottles are replaced with full bottles that Jyn will eventually have to pop in the fridge when she's done, the whir of the tiny motor soft white noise underneath everything. Jyn's so used to it that she can curl up on the couch, feet pulled up as she faces Cassian.

His comment brings a smile to her face. "She's always hungry, I don't know how someone who is so tiny and sleeps so much can be so starving all the time. She eats more than I do."

Which recently has been an easy feet to achieve since Jyn's appetite is gone.

Cassian meets her smile with one of his own and decides it's quite nice to share that sort of moment with her. "At the rate and sheer number of burps after the fact, I wouldn't be surprised if she was overindulging. She certainly has more energy than everyone I know." Themselves included.

He does raise an eyebrow at her too. Not in a judging or lecturing way. Just to show her he's noticed the lack of eating on her end. "You're not giving her much to compete with."

"I'm not hungry," she retorts blandly, pulling a face as she shifts another bottle out from under the blankets to replace it with an empty one. He doesn't get to notice her eating habits. They're not that kind of married, they don't actually love each other and her lack of appetite doesn't adversely affect her ability to do their job so he doesn't get an opinion.

(It does, obviously, have an effect on her efficacy and he definitely does get an opinion. Jyn is ignoring that logic.)

There still isn't any heat to the comment, however. She's too tired to even be mad. Which has certainly put a damper on the hate sex.

"Overeating is probably why I was all but covered in spit up all day." Jyn is fine with blood and guts and violence, but the disgusting smell of curdled milk spit up makes her wants to follow suit and throw up. No one warned her about that horrendous nonsense.

He believes her about not being hungry, which is concerning because Jyn used to munch on and off virtually all day long, even before she was pregnant. She's so blasé and careless and he frowns for the first time since she woke up. "But you are barely eating anything. You still need food, just like Rey does."

And he knows, because he does about 95% of the cooking. There are far more leftovers than usual. Combined with how she's become perpetually tired, Cassian isn't going to completely let this go. Maybe they're not really married, but it doesn't mean she can stop taking care of herself.

"She was spitting up a lot yesterday too. We should try to give her a little less, maybe." Which sort of sounds like a potential disaster because Rey whines and wails every time they try to take her bottle away before she's decided she's satisfied.

Instead of defending her lack of appetite, Jyn just ignores that thread of conversation entirely. She doesn't want to talk about it, she's just tired. It's not a big deal.

"I can't bear her shrieking." Jyn already jumps to comfort Rey because every whimper makes her feel ill, like she's doing something wrong or not giving Rey the love and attention she deserves. Somewhere along the line Jyn's biggest fear shifted from being caught to having Rey taken from her because she's a terrible mother.

"And she spits up even when it's not the bottle."

It's very obvious that she's ignoring the food for herself part. He's not going to drop it, but he needs to tread slowly. "Lack of proper nourishment can grow to be debilitating."

Cassian sighs in agreement. He hates to hear Rey cry, because it always feels like it's him. That he's done something so wrong and awful, the sound digging in deep to all his insecurities. "I meant when you feed her too," he says carefully. "And not in an obvious way. Just a little bit less, not enough for her to notice. To see if it helps after a few days with the spitting up." He pops the bottle out of her mouth to give her a breather. She bleats unhappily but he still waits a few seconds before letting her eat more.

IGNORES HARDER.

She winces at Rey's unhappy noise, turning her focus away from her daughter to shutting the pump off and setting the last two bottles on the coffee table before she sets to work cleaning herself up the blanket and get her bra and borrowed shirt situated again.

"Alright." Once she's all covered up, she unfolds from the couch to put everything away. It takes a couple of trips to put the milk in the fridge without dropping it. The first time she dropped a bottle and it exploded on the floor, Jyn burst into tears, that isn't happening again, fuck that.

FROWNS HARDER. The more she ignores it, the more he feels the need to talk about it. He waits though, once he notices she's finished and has started the clean up. She's very focused on the task and he doesn't want to interrupt.

By the time Jyn's back and all packed up, Cassian is trying to wean the bottle away from Rey a little earlier than usual. It's half working. She makes little grumpy noises every time he pulls it away, but there's no crying or wailing. He holds it away and she chirps sourly, though she's apparently full enough to avoid bone chilling complaints.

He sets the bottle on the table, then rotates Rey to sit up, holding her front and gently patting her back. She always burps more when he feeds her instead of Jyn.

"You need to eat," he says firmly, and it's immediately followed by a tiny baby burp.

"For fuck's sake, Cassian, leave it alone!"

It's too loud, too shrill, too harsh, and Jyn realizes it the moment she has shouted at him that she's going to set Rey off but she can't stop herself. Whatever success he'd just had getting Rey to give up the bottle without a fuss was for nothing because of Jyn's self control.

Or lack there of.

Frustrated, she storms off toward their room, intent on burying her head under the pillows so she won't have to hear the inevitable crying she caused.

It is too loud. Cassian doesn't flinch until Rey makes a startled noise, then a whine, before she starts to fuss and cry in his arms, completely distracted from the task of burping.

"Shhh," he whispers, moving Rey over his shoulder for the closer contact as Jyn flounces. He rubs at her back and stands up to pace around the living room. "It's okay. Everything is fine. Your mama is not feeling well, little star. Shhh, it's okay."

He keeps talking at her, nonsensical words and sentences in that gentle voice. He refuses to give her more from the bottle, resigning himself to pacing the house and rocking her until she settles. She lets out another burp, but in her state of distress, it scares her and she lets out one brief loud wail. He kisses her head and keeps his face close to hers, half humming.

Their apartment is too small to escape the crying and every single sob pierces at Jyn's heart like she's being stabbing. Rey deserves so much more than Jyn. She deserves more than to be part of a cover.

Jyn can hear Cassian as well, murmuring inaudibly to their daughter. Even though she wants nothing more than to cease whatever discussion he wants to have, Jyn wants the comfort of their daughter in her arms, even if she doesn't think she deserves it. And so after a couple minutes to try (and fail) to calm down, Jyn pushes the door of their bedroom open before crawling back into bed.

It's a silent invitation, but it's fairly clear.

Her crying quiets after a few minutes and another burp or two. By the time Jyn pushes open the bedroom door, Rey's wailing is more of a fussy whimper occasionally punctuated by a yelp than anything consistently shrill.

Part of him doesn't want to go into the room. He watches the door as he circles the living room again, still humming at Rey. When he passes by it again, he peers inside, rocking Rey despite pausing in the threshold.

He's been sleeping in the same bed as Jyn for so long now, but he feels unwelcome. It's clearly Rey she wants, not anything to do with him, but he almost doesn't want to let her go. Cassian finally slips into the room anyway because it's not about him, still half humming and muttering to Rey. He doesn't crawl into bed, not yet, but he does stay in the room as he keeps pacing through the final stretch of calming her down.

Jyn's sitting up in bed, at least, back against the headboard and legs folded in front of her. She watches as Cassian rocks Rey around the room, but her eyes linger on his face instead of their daughter's perfect, miniature features.

"I hate this," she admits quietly, anxiously folding and unfolding and refolding one of Reys teeny tiny onesies in her lap. She doesn't hate the onesie, of course, she melted a little at the sight of tiny clothes when they'd first gone out of buy them. They're so small.

"We don't deserve her, Cassian." Which is the truth, harsh as it may be. "What are they going to do with her when this is all over?" Surely they aren't going to be allowed to keep her, not with what they've done, not with what they're doing.

He looks at her when she speaks, surprised to find she's looking at him not Rey. He doesn't look away, even though he still hasn't stopped moving around. He also knows immediately what she means when she says she hates this, and he knows he does too.

Just like he knows she's right. They don't deserve Rey and all her goodness. Cassian looks at the tiny face of his daughter and his heart aches. He loves her implicitly, but the entire circumstances of her existence are terrible. He's terrible. He'd agreed to the mission in the first place. The same hands that are holding this baby are the ones that killed an Imperial barely two weeks ago.

But the thought of someone taking Rey away has his grip securing around her, like they're going to burst in right now. His voice is stern, a quick break from the humming. "No one is taking her from us." Cassian isn't sure what comes of he and Jyn when they're free of this, but he isn't going to give up Rey for anything. "Maybe she does deserve something better, but she is mine and yours. I won't let them. She does not belong to this life, but she does not belong to the Alliance either."

Jyn scrambles to kneel on the edge of the bed, still worrying the baby clothes between her hands, not incredibly subtle in her need to be closer to the baby in question.

She knows that he is right -- she needs to eat, regardless of her lack of appetite, but it seems so pointless. Everything seems pointless. Their entire life is a farce and they'd brought an innocent child into it because they're terrible people. She can't seem to get past that. How could they do this to a child.

"And what about us? Are we just going to trade her off for the rest of her life?" Workable, she supposes, but not particularly a life she'd choose for a little girl.

After a few moments, Cassian moves closer, coming to stand at the very same edge of the bed to let Jyn be closer to Rey. He's still swaying with the fledgling tiny whimpers, but the baby is far calmer.

"I've known plenty of parents who were not together," he says quietly. It's not ideal at all; it's more things Rey probably doesn't deserve, but he and Jyn aren't in love. She in all likelihood hates him, which is fair, because he hates himself.

If he's being honest, Cassian hasn't thought much of the after. He never has when he's on the job, but especially now when the after involves a child he helped create. The after of his missions is usually just him and his isolation. He sighs a little, suddenly very very tired. He knows how important this is, he knows he's done invaluable service against the Empire, but it feels wrong that Rey wasn't a real choice. It wasn't like they were ordered to have children, but the expectation always hovered. Jyn got pregnant because they were careless, and Draven treated it like a mission success, like Rey wasn't a real person being dragged into a shitty situation.

He kisses her forehead, and she makes a cooing sound instead of a whine. "She is the only good thing I have ever done, Jyn. We are real to her right now, and that has to count for something. We'll make what comes after our choice. She deserves that."

Her fingers stretch out, pushing back Rey's downy soft hair, back of her finger brushing across Rey's cheek as she stares up at her father. After a moment, Jyn's eyes follow Rey's to look up at Cassian, mouth slanted into a frown.

God, even when she's kneeling on the bed and he's standing, he's so much taller than her.

"Do you really think so?" As careful as Jyn can be around Cassian, as pragmatic, she really does trust him -- insomuch as she trusts anyone. He knows the Alliance better than she does and if he thinks they can survive this intact with their daughter, she will trust that. "I love her so much, more than anything in the entire galaxy, I can't lose her. She's the only good thing I've ever done either."

She looks down at the baby nestled in Cassian's arms again, mouth lifting into a weak smile. "You're the best of both of us, starshine. I'm so sorry."

Without even thinking, Cassian leans in to make it easier for Jyn to to touch the baby, and Rey makes a soft sound when she does. He meets her gaze and can't quite look away.

He lets the question hang in the air, because he wants to think so, he wants to know so, but all he has is a tiny bit of hope Rey herself instills in him. Cassian thought he knew already what he was capable of, but he thinks Rey might push the line further.

"We're not going to lose her," he says, deeming Rey comforted enough for him to sit on the edge of the bed. "They won't take her from us when this is over, because they won't - care." It feels callous to say, and it makes him feel kind of hollow, knowing how much of himself he's given over to the Alliance against how Draven categorizes his daughter. "We'll be offered resources to whatever means, but she is our responsibility. I love her more than anything too, and when this is over, we can give her something good."

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject