Jyn has known she was a princess since she was very, very small, sitting at her mother's feet while Lyra intricately braided her hair and taught her how to be a princess. How to be kind and fair and just and strong. But then Mama died and Papa left and Jyn wasn't a princess anymore, she wasn't even Jyn anymore, she wa a series of aliases hidden behind the imposing figure of Saw, who taught her how to fight and hide and survive. Kindness and fairness were push to the wayside.
Eventually Saw left her too and Jyn found herself surviving on her own, still hiding, still pretending to be someone else, keeping the only piece of her mother's jewelry tucked safely away. She lasts longer than even she expected, but eventually the Empire finds her, finds Liana, and Jyn finds herself toiling away in an Empire prison until she is rescued by some boy in the Alliance that thinks she's a boy at first, an offense she returns by hitting him with a shovel covered in animal droppings. Covered in excrement and with something broken (she hopes), he still manages to rescue her.
Rescue her and deposit her at the feet of the Alliance who tells her that in exchange for her freedom and Saw's quiet acquiescence, she will have to marry one of the royals in their coalition. To join their two families together and take back the land her father had given away as her regent, in her absence. It's too much to take in, but she knows Saw wouldn't join them or sacrifice her this way if there were any other choice.
Which is what finds Jyn dumped in a bath and cleaned up, dressed in clothes so opulent and silky and white (for the subtlety probably) with the tiny silvery leafed tiara of her youth nestled in her hair. It had been done up in some intricate braids and buns, but the moment Jyn is alone she yanks it down and starts to work twisting it into something far less dramatic and much more comfortable to keep in for a long time. She's still working on it when the door opens, but she doesn't move from her spot looking out the window, blindly twisting and pinning her hair.
Cassian has always known that one day he'd probably get married for political reasons. Even before his parents were killed, his awareness as a six year of royal politics was alarmingly high. Fest was taken under the Alliance, becoming more of a province as various regents handled the day to day. Even now, he tends to stay away and throws himself into aiding the Alliance, the spy prince the people don't even know is one. It was lucky, they'd said: he'd been visiting Alderaan when the Empire attacked Fest, sparing him. Bail Organa took him under his wing too, but General Draven had essentially raised Cassian Andor, making him every bit a soldier as much as a prince. His title feels more like a formality, but Fest is so close to Hoth, and they can't afford to lose Hoth.
When Draven tells him they've found him a wife at last, he doesn't react, just nods like it's another mission. Bail seems sympathetic and reassures him it's not meant to be anything like a slight. Jyn Erso, long lost princess and apparently key to taking back the Erso family land and to getting Saw Gerrera fully aligned. Her birth father is an Imperial defector which is probably why Cassian was chosen above anyone else; Fest is smaller, not as central to the Alliance, and they can afford the risk of marrying its prince to a runaway royal whose own father gave away her land. Almost the entire Alliance is built on a mismatch of marriages to create a strong enough force to resist Imperial expansion.
He has nothing against Jyn. From what Draven told him, she has had pretty terrible luck in life, and Cassian can relate. They give him pristine blues and whites to wear and he even tugs on his good boots, the ones that cramp his toes because he never wears them regularly. Besides, Jyn beat Melshi with a shovel and he mistook her for a boy. He's very curious about the woman described as utterly filthy and almost feral who he is going to marry.
He's brought to the sitting room where they've left her, and when he opens the door (himself, despite insistence otherwise), he's drawn immediately to the way she's playing with her hair, and tries to figure out what kind of person she is to not seem concerned about the door. The second thing he notices is the white, which makes his nose wrinkle for a second, because someone decided to be funny. Haha, snow prince. There is no animal shit in sight, and he has a hard time believing this is the same person who bruised Melshi's ribs.
"Excuse me," he starts, because he may not like how stiffly formality sits on his tongue, but he knows how to play the part. "If I have interrupted, I can come back."
"You haven't interrupted anything indecent," Jyn offers by way of an invitation to stay. "I hope you're not personally offended by my hair."
She still doesn't move, studying his watery reflection in the window. All she can really make out is his dark hair and the colors of his clothes, but his accent is soft and doesn't remind her of Melshi, which is a bonus. He's very polite. He hasn't called her a little boy.
As much as the last few years of her life without Saw have hardened her into something harsh and unkind, Jyn can't hold this against Cassian Andor, orphaned prince of Fest because she doubts very much that they gave him and offering of unattached princesses and he personally selected her, especially considering the majority of the world thought she was dead. Beyond that, she's been gone for so long she doesn't even know how to be a princess anymore. They'd shoved her into a dress when she hasn't worn one in fifteen years, fully clothed and she feels naked and exposed. And cold.
Which may be in part because they'd put in her in very fancy shoes and she very neatly shoved them behind the curtain to go barefoot, but at least the way the dress brushes the floor covers up that particular fact when she tucks the last pin in and turn to face him, hands clasping in front of her. "They told me you're a captain. And a prince. Is there one you prefer over the other?"
He takes it as one, and closes the door behind them; not fully shut out of propriety, but enough to give them a sense of privacy. He almost smiles when she remarks on her hair and takes the chance to give it a closer look over; it's a tangled mess from her pulling it out of whatever they styled it as, but she's fighting the good fight to get it under control. "It's your hair. You can do whatever you want with it."
His posture is tall and his hands are folded neatly behind his back when she finally turns around, and his first thought is she's kind of adorable, grumpy faced and all. Everything he's been told about her so far doesn't line up with the word adorable, but it doesn't stop it from being applicable. She's cute, and her eyes are very pretty.
Cassian wonders if it was Bail that mentioned the captain part. Draven would have put pressure on the royal ties for strategic reasons, but Bail always looked out for his heart. "Captain," he says honestly. He's going to marry her, she's going to know parts of what he does anyway. "It's something I earned, rather than inherited." A beat. "Is there something you'd like me to call you, other than Lady Jyn?"
He knows what the Rules say about titles, but she'd asked him what he prefers. It seems only fair to do the same.
Fest is beautiful, the sweeping drifts of snow and huge swaths of glacial ice rising from the snow like crystalline mountains. It's so white and bright that it reminds her of the white cliffs of Alpinn, the caves decorated with the glowing mosses and flowers. Nothing glows on Fest but Jyn lingers near the chilly windows at night, watching the stars and the way the moon reflects off those glacial mountains. It reminds her off her parents and she finds that doesn't mind this kind of reminder.
Beyond the beauty of Cassian's land, Jyn finds she loves the people, too. She had thought that the castle would be sort of empty -- Cassian had no family left and Jyn's only request was that Bodhi stay with them -- but instead it's full of his people, Alliance aligned and civilians alike. He runs the rebellion right out of his home and, Jyn won't admit it but, she prefers is that way. She doesn't like or trust people but she had a lonely childhood and she relished the times when Saw's base was full of the Partisans.
She likes the people, she likes the nature, she likes the angry goat mother that bleats so loud she wakes up the farm hand's infant snoozing in a bassinet nestled in the hay, she likes the green house with its stubborn vegetables, she likes the library, she loves the fireplace in her room and the warm chair she had dragged across the room in order to read by the firelight late into the night. There is so much she likes about Fest, she thinks she could even be happy eventually. At least satisfied.
And yet the nightmares that have followed her around like a shadow for the better part of her life still come. It's always the same -- cowering in the cave, her father walking away, Krennic and his Death Troopers stomping across the dew damp grass, her mother tying the necklace around her and the pull of the hair she catches in the knot. And then the end. The blood seeping across her mother's chest, the way her body crumples into the grass, Krennic's voice calling for "the child", for her.
Though she thrashes and cries out for some time before she wakes, she wakes up in a rush. Screaming for her mother, sheets and nightclothes soaked with sweat, heart pounding so hard in her chest that it makes her feel physically ill, practically hyperventilating, trembling from the fear and loss that has never managed to leave her, even now, over a decade later.
Cassian loves Fest. He loves it out of duty as its crown prince, but even if he wasn't, he knows he would love his homeland. He misses it when he's gone. It's quieter, less bustling than Alderaan, and he's able to work the way he likes right out of the castle. It makes running his network easier, the way other nobles and Fest civilians slip in and out, nothing out of the ordinary.
He worries about Jyn when they get there and the way she's immediately all shivers, but he also worries she won't be able to carve a space for herself. She frequents the library, and he starts leaving books in her room, or out on the table she usually steals for herself. He makes sure her room is always stockpiled with wood for the fire, and he even gets her a blanket from Hoth with an extra layer of lining. They might not have had much say in their marriage, but Cassian is going to be sure she's as comfortable as she can be here. He wants her to like it, even though she's under no obligation to.
Their rooms are in the same wing, virtually across the hall. His parents shared, but - it's not like that with he and Jyn. They each have three rooms to themselves, fairly closed off from the rest of the castle, but still an acceptable enough closeness for spouses.
Close enough that he can hear her fussing in her sleep. It doesn't fully wake him, and he might not have noticed if he wasn't such a light sleeper already. But it doesn't stop. It gets louder and worse, and Cassian sits up with a frown, pulling on a robe just because it's cold more than instinctive propriety. He steps out into the hall and towards her door, indecisive as to whether or not he should knock and check on her. She's clearly having a nightmare.
But then she screams, and the sound pierces him. He pushes open the door quietly but quickly, concern etched all over his face. The little flicker of his candle illuminates her face and the fear plastered there like the way her messy hair is plastered to her sweat soaked skin. He wants to rush over, but respect for her space keeps him standing at the door even if she looks like she's about to be sick. "Jyn?"
Someone is in her room. She tries to care, her body wants her to care. She doesn't care. She's too tired to care.
She focuses on the candle first, like her eyes are drawn to the flickering, jumping flame. It doesn't help her rapid breaths that have her almost gasping for air or the way her heart is racing through her chest. She can't actually seem to concentrate on Cassian at all, eyes glassy and unfocused.
"Ca--" She hiccups, coughs, chokes on a sob she tries to push back when she realizes that it is actually Cassian standing at the door. Hastily she tries to push back her hair with shaking hands, which is when she realizes she's sticky with sweat and she can't really hold back the next sob. As much as she tries to fight the weakness, it's too hard and she is too tired and Cassian is already too familiar, and so she just crumples, fingers clutched against the bedclothes.
She doesn't seem too aware of her surroundings, her attention being pulled in several different directions. It's the start of what sounds like his name that has him stepping further into the room, his expression falling further.
He has never seen her like this, which isn't particularly a surprise given the air she tries to give off. But she's sobbing. He's seen it before, the after effects of a nightmare. He's been in similar states himself, which at least means he knows to tread carefully. He needs to draw her out of it, but not in a way that sets her off further, or sends her limbs flying at him.
Quietly he moves towards the bed, settling the candle on her nightstand. He sits down on the mattress about a foot away and in her line of vision, making sure his appearance won't spook her. "Jyn." His voice is calm and soothing and her name is another warning that he's there. "Can you look at me?"
Cassian waits for her to be completely awake, which takes it through after lunch, but it's a good timeframe. It gives them a few hours between food, and by the time they crawl back into the castle it will be dinner time. Assuming Jyn doesn't hate it, but he's trying to pretend she won't.
But it snowed again yesterday, leaving a perfect new dusting over the hills, and the sun peaking through the clouds today makes it not quite so cold. It is time to introduce Jyn to sledding.
He knocks on her door, knowing she's in there reading having just heard so from one of the maids. And by heard so, he definitely overheard them talking about how they noticed she likes to read the books he gives her, that she'd just curled up with a new one about twenty minutes ago. Book recs are serious business, apparently. As much as he doesn't want to interrupt her - it's a very good book - he feels a bit like a kid picking out a new puppy. Impatient, which is a word he rarely applies to himself.
Today, Jyn has abandoned the very comfortable chair she usually curls up in to curl up on the equally soft blanket-like rug in front of the fireplace. She'd started sitting up like a lady, but after about a minute she'd slumped down on her side, book snug next to her as she flipped through the pages.
She hears the knock and she hears him call her name, but she's too distracted by the book to really bother listening to what he's saying so she calls out a distracted: "Come on!"
He really needs to stop giving her books to read because she devours them immediately and it distracts her from everything else she was meant to be doing. Not that she has much to do still, but. She gets lost in the books, all of them. At least she's stopped falling asleep in the library...
Even through the door, he can tell by her tone that she isn't really listening to him, which definitely means she's engrossed in the book. He smiles more before he opens the door, completely unsurprised to find her lounging on the floor. It is very warm in front of the fireplace.
He's wearing his parka, the blue one with grey trim, but it's unbuttoned for now, showing off a very ugly but warm sweater underneath. His pants are tucked into his boots, and he is clearly near ready to go outside.
"I have a surprise for you." That is definitely not enough to get her up and standing and out the door, especially because Jyn hates the cold. "You can even wear pants."
He is right. A surprise doesn't sway her at all but she does perk up at the idea of pants, even if she finishes her sentence (and the paragraph) before she sets the book down and looks over her shoulder at Cassian.
He is wearing what looks like the warmest, most comfortable coat and the most hideous sweater and she is charmed, eyes lingering on that sweater a few seconds too long before her gaze lifts to his face. She still doesn't get up, he might have to drag her.
"What am I wearing pants for?" Still doesn't care about the concept of a surprise.
They have been married, technically, for over a year. The anniversary celebration was quiet inside the castle, even if the people of Fest had their own parties and the city lit up with festivities. Fest has always loved its prince, but they have really come to love its princess too, and the thought makes Cassian inexplicably happy. Not once growing up had he ever thought he'd find a real romance in his marriage.
Most of the guests had left already - not that there were many to begin with - but the Organas remain, alongside two other families from Alderaan. One of which arrived with a small baby, only a few months old. She was adorable, friendly and whiny as most babies are, and while Cassian coolly avoided holding her, he hadn't missed the way Jyn seemed to favor the younger guests above the old. It doesn't surprise him though, considering she's been the same way with the children of Fest since day one.
It does leave him thinking about himself, about Fest, about the necessities of having an heir. Much like he never expected to marry for love, he never expected to have his own children. Plenty of marriages take the route of adoption. Not a single person would argue with Bail over Leia's place as Alderaan's future queen. He and Jyn even had a brief discussion about adoption already as a legitimate, probable path.
But sitting with Jyn in his bedroom, nestled under blankets with the fireplace flickering and Jyn's leg sprawled over his while she reads and he thinks about how much he loves her - he wonders.
"Kista likes you." Understatement. The baby relaxed with Jyn like she did only with her parents.
Their anniversary is a surprising achievement, especially for Jyn. She hasn't stayed in the same place for over a year since she was with Saw as a teenager. It's different, of course, being on Fest where she is a princess and married and has duties, but she's grown to love Fest and the people seem to like her too, which was a nice surprise since she still awkwardly stumbles through the language and is still building up the ability to take anything more than mild spices.
But she's trying.
And it was nice to see Cassian's... well, foster parents, she supposes. She loves arguing politics with Bail over breakfast and she even likes Breha mothering her and her hair has been expertly braided every since the Organa queen had come to visit. She does also, admittedly, like that the guest wing is on the opposite side of the castle as to her and Cassian's rooms. She enjoys the guests, but she still likes her privacy.
"I'm likable," Jyn replies immediately, albeit distractedly as she continues to read without looking up or really paying much attention to Cassian at all. "She liked everyone that held her. Especially Bodhi."
He breaks into a tiny grin when she says she's likable, because Jyn is very gruff and very anti-social, but somehow keeps the capacity to win people over. She won him over. She's barely paying attention to him, but she's not wrong.
"She liked some more than others. You and Bodhi were probably her favorites." Also not wrong. Whether it was because the two of them actually seemed invested in the baby more than most or otherwise doesn't matter. She liked the baby, fact. Now he just needs to... get more of her attention without making it seem obvious.
"I think she may have been your favorite guest as well." Teasing? A little bit. He knows she hates most people, it's a pretty normal jest to make.
"Don't say that, Bail will be so disappointed that he's not my favorite." Jyn finally glances up with a small smile, reaching out to shove him, hand pressed flat against his chest. Maybe talking about Bail in bed is weird, but it's not the weirdest thing they've talked about, honestly.
She sets the book in her lap, keeping the page marked with her thumb, before giving him A Look.
"You're interrupting a very good passage, Captain. It's very engrossing." And he is pulling her out of her engrossed state by chattering about a rogue baby in the castle being more charming than most adults.
It's not their first holiday season together; that one was quiet and easy, one perfunctory castle celebration that only involved everyone living in Fest. The decorations went all out, but the staff loves it, so Cassian has always let them go wild. There was a feast, there were gifts, and then nearly the whole castle went out sledding.
But it is the first time in years that Fest has had a holiday season with a baby prince. Most probably doubted it might ever happen again. Everyone is very excited by him, and there's pile of gifts growing under the sitting room tree from all manner of people who want to shower their new prince with goodies. The decorations are more abundant than usual. It smells constantly like evergreen and peppermint. Jyn is not very interested in sharing their baby for the festivities, but fortunately they at least continue the tradition of having little in the way of excessive guests. She does not, however, relinquish her hold on Javi to anyone except Cassian himself, which is fine really, because there is no place Javi loves more than snuggled up against Jyn's chest. He's trying to figure out how to crawl, but he keeps giving up in favor of stretching his arms out for mama. They're working on it.
They've stuffed a fluffy hat on his head and given him a very festive pair of pants with fancy suspenders; despite the excitement, Javi doesn't cry over the extra stimulation, wailing only when he gets hungry. He loves the lights and candles, and he occasionally reaches out to swat at the garland strung around railings and windowsills.
It's during dessert when Jyn pulls him from Cassian's grip and slips away clearly under the guise of feeding the baby, but she's gone longer than usual. Cassian socializes and mingles then ducks away too, finding her in the sitting room.
Javi is relaxing in her lap facing her, playing with some of the ribbon he's torn off a gift. There's a box on the floor beside them only half open, because clearly the baby was more interested in the shiny string than the cookies inside. Cassian walks over slowly with a smile, leaning down to kiss the top of Javi's head, then the top of Jyn's.
Jyn has found that a baby is arguably the best excuse to cut out of any kind of social interaction. Before she would just wait for Cassian to rescue her and take over the conversation when she'd grown tired and annoyed, but now she can simply slip away and say it's baby related and no one can argue.
Javi may not be over stimulated, but Jyn definitely is.
She looks up with a smile after he kisses her head, widening when Javi lets out a bleat of glee when he too looks up from his ribbon distraction to see his papa. He smacks his hands together, jerking around in excitement like a chubby chicken trying to take flight. He is just as unsuccessful, but it's a riot to watch. Jyn especially loves when he gets so delighted to see Cassian not just because he looks exactly how she feels, but also he's usually so docile and calm, his exuberance at Cassian's existence makes her heart explode.
Same.
"You can take him." It's freezing, that's going to be a hard pass from Jyn. It's freezing and dark which makes it more freezing. Harder pass.
He's starting to be able to tell the difference when it comes to the 'which person I love is currently more overstimulated.' It's usually Jyn, because Javi is one of the most relaxed babies he's literally ever met. No one else has to know, at least.
If Javi is always delighted by his papa, Cassian is just as delighted by his son's excitement. It always seems to surprise him, having someone always so happy to see him. He leans down and presses a raspberry kiss against his cheek and Javi giggles, idly smacking his hand at Cassian's face. He likes the stubble.
"It's no fun if we don't go together." He already knows it's not going to happen, but it's fun to tease. Javi has yet to go sledding and Cassian refuses to go without Jyn, even if it means waiting till the weather gets a little warmer.
It's a very strange conclusion for him to come to, given he's not the one with the uterus, but one of Draven's underlings offhandedly mentioned her sister was expecting a child and had only just realized it, and he definitely had a moment of wait a minute. Several different odd things click into place for him.
They haven't been actively trying to start a family, only being a little lax now and then about birth control, but that's not how sex works and it's not like sex cares either. Jyn is late, but that by itself isn't unusual thanks to her life on the run and in prison. She's always irregular. Her body is still adjusting to stability. She's... softer and almost squishier which he attuned to the same thing, thanks to intake of real food and not just rations and scraps. She's more tired than usual. She got sick the other day, which he attributed to some bad food. It's all little things that by themselves wouldn't make him assume, but hearing the word pregnant kind of... makes him think.
He spends the rest of the meeting completely distracted, but he's good at the illusion otherwise. Only Draven seems to notice his attention lays elsewhere, and whether he ends the meeting five minutes early because he really does need to go or because he's tired of Cassian not listening well enough. Jyn lights up, glad it's been cut short.
Cassian sees them all out of the room, very aware of Jyn still inside, and he closes the door with a sigh. He moves back over to Jyn and kisses the top of her head, lingering for a few seconds. The lingering is maybe one of the signs he wants to tell her something but doesn't know how to begin. "That was harmless."
"It's was boring," Jyn complains lightly, no real complaint tied up into it. It was a meeting that a dispatch could have well conveyed, but Jyn likes having rebellion meetings in her home. It reminds her of growing up under Saw's care, the Partisans drifting in and out of their base, the heated arguments across the table, the new recruits that would come in and look at Jyn dismissively until she handed them their own asses after a spar.
Doesn't mean she wants to hear Draven drone on and on in an unnecessary meeting.
She looks up at Cassian, smiling, but a bit of apprehension behind her eyes. These aren't her Partisans, she doesn't yet know all their subtext and coded words. "Are you leaving? He didn't say anything, but he never does." And Cassian looks conflicted, she'd heard him sigh. She'd rather he just tell her than dance around it, it won't be the first time he's left on some silent mission with K2.
Boring is her standard response, he's unfazed by it. If anything he smiles faintly. He likes having Jyn there with him. He knows undoubtedly that she's on his side, she's got his back. K2 always does too, but it's different with Jyn.
Her question doesn't surprise him. Fortunately, he has a good answer this time. "No, not yet. We need to check in again at the next meeting, but I do not have to go anywhere now."
Which is a good thing, especially if his suspicions are correct. He still hasn't figured out how to bring it up without being completely tactless. "How are you feeling?"
Jyn turned twenty-two sometime over the rush into their wedding, a long and crazy month of too many upstarts and changes in both of their lives. He hadn't even known when her birthday was until after, and then he felt terrible it'd gone so unnoticed, even if that was probably fine by her. Jyn is not someone to thrive over attention. He figured that out within days of knowing her. The idea of any kind of festive celebration honoring her birth would undoubtedly be unwelcome.
But the funny thing about birthdays is they keep coming around. Cassian is determined to make this year a little better, especially because what a terrible present it would have been last year to be married to a stranger. He starts by making sure the day goes on as normal. They had enough parties and people for their anniversary. He helps make her a cake, but it's just a small one for the two of them later while they're alone. She seems content enough with that.
The best part is waiting for him tucked away in an office, where he's been taking care of it for a couple days with the help of Kay while they waited for the castle to empty. He thinks this might be one present Jyn won't mind.
About a week after her actual birthday, Cassian knocks at her door just after lunch. He's usually working around this time, and he'd already said his see you laters after they ate quietly together in her rooms, but hopefully this is one time she won't mind a surprise visit. He's holding a fairly big box in his arms, slightly wider than he is, and there are two holes cut out on the sides to let air in. It wriggles now and then, but otherwise makes no noises.
She is reading on the fluffy rug, which is a surprise to literally no one in the castle. Jyn goes through books so quickly that when Bail had come to visit for their anniversary he had brought her a literal crate of books from Alderaan so she wouldn't go through Fest's library so quickly. It doesn't have infinite books and she reads about one a day.
As usual she doesn't look up right away, finishing her sentence and then deciding she can finish the paragraph and then you know what, she'll just finish the page. That doesn't mean she doesn't address him, it simply means she doesn't look up while she's doing so. She has priorities but none of them involve ignoring Cassian. "Did you forget something, Captain?"
Maybe he's here for an afternoon snuggle fest. Or other indoor sports, she's not picky.
When she doesn't come and answer the door, nor answer right away, he knows she's reading. He should have told everyone to just bring library book donations for their anniversary, but he supposes that's an idea for next year. He smiles when she finally calls out, knowing it's him. Not that many people even come into their wing, save a servant or Kay who might have a message or something of the sort.
He rests the box against the door to free up one hand, wriggling open the handle. It flies open without finesse because he has to hold the box with both arms, and he kicks it shut behind him. It's all very loud and very unlike him.
"I forgot to give you something. You should really ask who's at the door. What if it wasn't me?"
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ohnofeelstho2017-06-16 12:11 am
you are a mystery to me, yet so familiar
Eventually Saw left her too and Jyn found herself surviving on her own, still hiding, still pretending to be someone else, keeping the only piece of her mother's jewelry tucked safely away. She lasts longer than even she expected, but eventually the Empire finds her, finds Liana, and Jyn finds herself toiling away in an Empire prison until she is rescued by some boy in the Alliance that thinks she's a boy at first, an offense she returns by hitting him with a shovel covered in animal droppings. Covered in excrement and with something broken (she hopes), he still manages to rescue her.
Rescue her and deposit her at the feet of the Alliance who tells her that in exchange for her freedom and Saw's quiet acquiescence, she will have to marry one of the royals in their coalition. To join their two families together and take back the land her father had given away as her regent, in her absence. It's too much to take in, but she knows Saw wouldn't join them or sacrifice her this way if there were any other choice.
Which is what finds Jyn dumped in a bath and cleaned up, dressed in clothes so opulent and silky and white (for the subtlety probably) with the tiny silvery leafed tiara of her youth nestled in her hair. It had been done up in some intricate braids and buns, but the moment Jyn is alone she yanks it down and starts to work twisting it into something far less dramatic and much more comfortable to keep in for a long time. She's still working on it when the door opens, but she doesn't move from her spot looking out the window, blindly twisting and pinning her hair.
no subject
When Draven tells him they've found him a wife at last, he doesn't react, just nods like it's another mission. Bail seems sympathetic and reassures him it's not meant to be anything like a slight. Jyn Erso, long lost princess and apparently key to taking back the Erso family land and to getting Saw Gerrera fully aligned. Her birth father is an Imperial defector which is probably why Cassian was chosen above anyone else; Fest is smaller, not as central to the Alliance, and they can afford the risk of marrying its prince to a runaway royal whose own father gave away her land. Almost the entire Alliance is built on a mismatch of marriages to create a strong enough force to resist Imperial expansion.
He has nothing against Jyn. From what Draven told him, she has had pretty terrible luck in life, and Cassian can relate. They give him pristine blues and whites to wear and he even tugs on his good boots, the ones that cramp his toes because he never wears them regularly. Besides, Jyn beat Melshi with a shovel and he mistook her for a boy. He's very curious about the woman described as utterly filthy and almost feral who he is going to marry.
He's brought to the sitting room where they've left her, and when he opens the door (himself, despite insistence otherwise), he's drawn immediately to the way she's playing with her hair, and tries to figure out what kind of person she is to not seem concerned about the door. The second thing he notices is the white, which makes his nose wrinkle for a second, because someone decided to be funny. Haha, snow prince. There is no animal shit in sight, and he has a hard time believing this is the same person who bruised Melshi's ribs.
"Excuse me," he starts, because he may not like how stiffly formality sits on his tongue, but he knows how to play the part. "If I have interrupted, I can come back."
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She still doesn't move, studying his watery reflection in the window. All she can really make out is his dark hair and the colors of his clothes, but his accent is soft and doesn't remind her of Melshi, which is a bonus. He's very polite. He hasn't called her a little boy.
As much as the last few years of her life without Saw have hardened her into something harsh and unkind, Jyn can't hold this against Cassian Andor, orphaned prince of Fest because she doubts very much that they gave him and offering of unattached princesses and he personally selected her, especially considering the majority of the world thought she was dead. Beyond that, she's been gone for so long she doesn't even know how to be a princess anymore. They'd shoved her into a dress when she hasn't worn one in fifteen years, fully clothed and she feels naked and exposed. And cold.
Which may be in part because they'd put in her in very fancy shoes and she very neatly shoved them behind the curtain to go barefoot, but at least the way the dress brushes the floor covers up that particular fact when she tucks the last pin in and turn to face him, hands clasping in front of her. "They told me you're a captain. And a prince. Is there one you prefer over the other?"
Oh he's very handsome.
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His posture is tall and his hands are folded neatly behind his back when she finally turns around, and his first thought is she's kind of adorable, grumpy faced and all. Everything he's been told about her so far doesn't line up with the word adorable, but it doesn't stop it from being applicable. She's cute, and her eyes are very pretty.
Cassian wonders if it was Bail that mentioned the captain part. Draven would have put pressure on the royal ties for strategic reasons, but Bail always looked out for his heart. "Captain," he says honestly. He's going to marry her, she's going to know parts of what he does anyway. "It's something I earned, rather than inherited." A beat. "Is there something you'd like me to call you, other than Lady Jyn?"
He knows what the Rules say about titles, but she'd asked him what he prefers. It seems only fair to do the same.
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i had always known the sky was full of mysteries
Beyond the beauty of Cassian's land, Jyn finds she loves the people, too. She had thought that the castle would be sort of empty -- Cassian had no family left and Jyn's only request was that Bodhi stay with them -- but instead it's full of his people, Alliance aligned and civilians alike. He runs the rebellion right out of his home and, Jyn won't admit it but, she prefers is that way. She doesn't like or trust people but she had a lonely childhood and she relished the times when Saw's base was full of the Partisans.
She likes the people, she likes the nature, she likes the angry goat mother that bleats so loud she wakes up the farm hand's infant snoozing in a bassinet nestled in the hay, she likes the green house with its stubborn vegetables, she likes the library, she loves the fireplace in her room and the warm chair she had dragged across the room in order to read by the firelight late into the night. There is so much she likes about Fest, she thinks she could even be happy eventually. At least satisfied.
And yet the nightmares that have followed her around like a shadow for the better part of her life still come. It's always the same -- cowering in the cave, her father walking away, Krennic and his Death Troopers stomping across the dew damp grass, her mother tying the necklace around her and the pull of the hair she catches in the knot. And then the end. The blood seeping across her mother's chest, the way her body crumples into the grass, Krennic's voice calling for "the child", for her.
Though she thrashes and cries out for some time before she wakes, she wakes up in a rush. Screaming for her mother, sheets and nightclothes soaked with sweat, heart pounding so hard in her chest that it makes her feel physically ill, practically hyperventilating, trembling from the fear and loss that has never managed to leave her, even now, over a decade later.
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He worries about Jyn when they get there and the way she's immediately all shivers, but he also worries she won't be able to carve a space for herself. She frequents the library, and he starts leaving books in her room, or out on the table she usually steals for herself. He makes sure her room is always stockpiled with wood for the fire, and he even gets her a blanket from Hoth with an extra layer of lining. They might not have had much say in their marriage, but Cassian is going to be sure she's as comfortable as she can be here. He wants her to like it, even though she's under no obligation to.
Their rooms are in the same wing, virtually across the hall. His parents shared, but - it's not like that with he and Jyn. They each have three rooms to themselves, fairly closed off from the rest of the castle, but still an acceptable enough closeness for spouses.
Close enough that he can hear her fussing in her sleep. It doesn't fully wake him, and he might not have noticed if he wasn't such a light sleeper already. But it doesn't stop. It gets louder and worse, and Cassian sits up with a frown, pulling on a robe just because it's cold more than instinctive propriety. He steps out into the hall and towards her door, indecisive as to whether or not he should knock and check on her. She's clearly having a nightmare.
But then she screams, and the sound pierces him. He pushes open the door quietly but quickly, concern etched all over his face. The little flicker of his candle illuminates her face and the fear plastered there like the way her messy hair is plastered to her sweat soaked skin. He wants to rush over, but respect for her space keeps him standing at the door even if she looks like she's about to be sick. "Jyn?"
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She focuses on the candle first, like her eyes are drawn to the flickering, jumping flame. It doesn't help her rapid breaths that have her almost gasping for air or the way her heart is racing through her chest. She can't actually seem to concentrate on Cassian at all, eyes glassy and unfocused.
"Ca--" She hiccups, coughs, chokes on a sob she tries to push back when she realizes that it is actually Cassian standing at the door. Hastily she tries to push back her hair with shaking hands, which is when she realizes she's sticky with sweat and she can't really hold back the next sob. As much as she tries to fight the weakness, it's too hard and she is too tired and Cassian is already too familiar, and so she just crumples, fingers clutched against the bedclothes.
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He has never seen her like this, which isn't particularly a surprise given the air she tries to give off. But she's sobbing. He's seen it before, the after effects of a nightmare. He's been in similar states himself, which at least means he knows to tread carefully. He needs to draw her out of it, but not in a way that sets her off further, or sends her limbs flying at him.
Quietly he moves towards the bed, settling the candle on her nightstand. He sits down on the mattress about a foot away and in her line of vision, making sure his appearance won't spook her. "Jyn." His voice is calm and soothing and her name is another warning that he's there. "Can you look at me?"
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you might know if you're from around here what goes on for half of the year
But it snowed again yesterday, leaving a perfect new dusting over the hills, and the sun peaking through the clouds today makes it not quite so cold. It is time to introduce Jyn to sledding.
He knocks on her door, knowing she's in there reading having just heard so from one of the maids. And by heard so, he definitely overheard them talking about how they noticed she likes to read the books he gives her, that she'd just curled up with a new one about twenty minutes ago. Book recs are serious business, apparently. As much as he doesn't want to interrupt her - it's a very good book - he feels a bit like a kid picking out a new puppy. Impatient, which is a word he rarely applies to himself.
"Jyn? I have something for you."
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She hears the knock and she hears him call her name, but she's too distracted by the book to really bother listening to what he's saying so she calls out a distracted: "Come on!"
He really needs to stop giving her books to read because she devours them immediately and it distracts her from everything else she was meant to be doing. Not that she has much to do still, but. She gets lost in the books, all of them. At least she's stopped falling asleep in the library...
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He's wearing his parka, the blue one with grey trim, but it's unbuttoned for now, showing off a very ugly but warm sweater underneath. His pants are tucked into his boots, and he is clearly near ready to go outside.
"I have a surprise for you." That is definitely not enough to get her up and standing and out the door, especially because Jyn hates the cold. "You can even wear pants."
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He is wearing what looks like the warmest, most comfortable coat and the most hideous sweater and she is charmed, eyes lingering on that sweater a few seconds too long before her gaze lifts to his face. She still doesn't get up, he might have to drag her.
"What am I wearing pants for?" Still doesn't care about the concept of a surprise.
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the value of marriage is not that adults produce children, but that children produce adults
Most of the guests had left already - not that there were many to begin with - but the Organas remain, alongside two other families from Alderaan. One of which arrived with a small baby, only a few months old. She was adorable, friendly and whiny as most babies are, and while Cassian coolly avoided holding her, he hadn't missed the way Jyn seemed to favor the younger guests above the old. It doesn't surprise him though, considering she's been the same way with the children of Fest since day one.
It does leave him thinking about himself, about Fest, about the necessities of having an heir. Much like he never expected to marry for love, he never expected to have his own children. Plenty of marriages take the route of adoption. Not a single person would argue with Bail over Leia's place as Alderaan's future queen. He and Jyn even had a brief discussion about adoption already as a legitimate, probable path.
But sitting with Jyn in his bedroom, nestled under blankets with the fireplace flickering and Jyn's leg sprawled over his while she reads and he thinks about how much he loves her - he wonders.
"Kista likes you." Understatement. The baby relaxed with Jyn like she did only with her parents.
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But she's trying.
And it was nice to see Cassian's... well, foster parents, she supposes. She loves arguing politics with Bail over breakfast and she even likes Breha mothering her and her hair has been expertly braided every since the Organa queen had come to visit. She does also, admittedly, like that the guest wing is on the opposite side of the castle as to her and Cassian's rooms. She enjoys the guests, but she still likes her privacy.
"I'm likable," Jyn replies immediately, albeit distractedly as she continues to read without looking up or really paying much attention to Cassian at all. "She liked everyone that held her. Especially Bodhi."
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"She liked some more than others. You and Bodhi were probably her favorites." Also not wrong. Whether it was because the two of them actually seemed invested in the baby more than most or otherwise doesn't matter. She liked the baby, fact. Now he just needs to... get more of her attention without making it seem obvious.
"I think she may have been your favorite guest as well." Teasing? A little bit. He knows she hates most people, it's a pretty normal jest to make.
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She sets the book in her lap, keeping the page marked with her thumb, before giving him A Look.
"You're interrupting a very good passage, Captain. It's very engrossing." And he is pulling her out of her engrossed state by chattering about a rogue baby in the castle being more charming than most adults.
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the smells of christmas are the smells of childhood
But it is the first time in years that Fest has had a holiday season with a baby prince. Most probably doubted it might ever happen again. Everyone is very excited by him, and there's pile of gifts growing under the sitting room tree from all manner of people who want to shower their new prince with goodies. The decorations are more abundant than usual. It smells constantly like evergreen and peppermint. Jyn is not very interested in sharing their baby for the festivities, but fortunately they at least continue the tradition of having little in the way of excessive guests. She does not, however, relinquish her hold on Javi to anyone except Cassian himself, which is fine really, because there is no place Javi loves more than snuggled up against Jyn's chest. He's trying to figure out how to crawl, but he keeps giving up in favor of stretching his arms out for mama. They're working on it.
They've stuffed a fluffy hat on his head and given him a very festive pair of pants with fancy suspenders; despite the excitement, Javi doesn't cry over the extra stimulation, wailing only when he gets hungry. He loves the lights and candles, and he occasionally reaches out to swat at the garland strung around railings and windowsills.
It's during dessert when Jyn pulls him from Cassian's grip and slips away clearly under the guise of feeding the baby, but she's gone longer than usual. Cassian socializes and mingles then ducks away too, finding her in the sitting room.
Javi is relaxing in her lap facing her, playing with some of the ribbon he's torn off a gift. There's a box on the floor beside them only half open, because clearly the baby was more interested in the shiny string than the cookies inside. Cassian walks over slowly with a smile, leaning down to kiss the top of Javi's head, then the top of Jyn's.
"We could still take him down a tiny hill."
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Javi may not be over stimulated, but Jyn definitely is.
She looks up with a smile after he kisses her head, widening when Javi lets out a bleat of glee when he too looks up from his ribbon distraction to see his papa. He smacks his hands together, jerking around in excitement like a chubby chicken trying to take flight. He is just as unsuccessful, but it's a riot to watch. Jyn especially loves when he gets so delighted to see Cassian not just because he looks exactly how she feels, but also he's usually so docile and calm, his exuberance at Cassian's existence makes her heart explode.
Same.
"You can take him." It's freezing, that's going to be a hard pass from Jyn. It's freezing and dark which makes it more freezing. Harder pass.
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If Javi is always delighted by his papa, Cassian is just as delighted by his son's excitement. It always seems to surprise him, having someone always so happy to see him. He leans down and presses a raspberry kiss against his cheek and Javi giggles, idly smacking his hand at Cassian's face. He likes the stubble.
"It's no fun if we don't go together." He already knows it's not going to happen, but it's fun to tease. Javi has yet to go sledding and Cassian refuses to go without Jyn, even if it means waiting till the weather gets a little warmer.
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it is okay if life surprises you. it's a good thing!
It's a very strange conclusion for him to come to, given he's not the one with the uterus, but one of Draven's underlings offhandedly mentioned her sister was expecting a child and had only just realized it, and he definitely had a moment of wait a minute. Several different odd things click into place for him.
They haven't been actively trying to start a family, only being a little lax now and then about birth control, but that's not how sex works and it's not like sex cares either. Jyn is late, but that by itself isn't unusual thanks to her life on the run and in prison. She's always irregular. Her body is still adjusting to stability. She's... softer and almost squishier which he attuned to the same thing, thanks to intake of real food and not just rations and scraps. She's more tired than usual. She got sick the other day, which he attributed to some bad food. It's all little things that by themselves wouldn't make him assume, but hearing the word pregnant kind of... makes him think.
He spends the rest of the meeting completely distracted, but he's good at the illusion otherwise. Only Draven seems to notice his attention lays elsewhere, and whether he ends the meeting five minutes early because he really does need to go or because he's tired of Cassian not listening well enough. Jyn lights up, glad it's been cut short.
Cassian sees them all out of the room, very aware of Jyn still inside, and he closes the door with a sigh. He moves back over to Jyn and kisses the top of her head, lingering for a few seconds. The lingering is maybe one of the signs he wants to tell her something but doesn't know how to begin. "That was harmless."
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Doesn't mean she wants to hear Draven drone on and on in an unnecessary meeting.
She looks up at Cassian, smiling, but a bit of apprehension behind her eyes. These aren't her Partisans, she doesn't yet know all their subtext and coded words. "Are you leaving? He didn't say anything, but he never does." And Cassian looks conflicted, she'd heard him sigh. She'd rather he just tell her than dance around it, it won't be the first time he's left on some silent mission with K2.
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Her question doesn't surprise him. Fortunately, he has a good answer this time. "No, not yet. We need to check in again at the next meeting, but I do not have to go anywhere now."
Which is a good thing, especially if his suspicions are correct. He still hasn't figured out how to bring it up without being completely tactless. "How are you feeling?"
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birthdays are nature's way of telling us to eat more cake.
But the funny thing about birthdays is they keep coming around. Cassian is determined to make this year a little better, especially because what a terrible present it would have been last year to be married to a stranger. He starts by making sure the day goes on as normal. They had enough parties and people for their anniversary. He helps make her a cake, but it's just a small one for the two of them later while they're alone. She seems content enough with that.
The best part is waiting for him tucked away in an office, where he's been taking care of it for a couple days with the help of Kay while they waited for the castle to empty. He thinks this might be one present Jyn won't mind.
About a week after her actual birthday, Cassian knocks at her door just after lunch. He's usually working around this time, and he'd already said his see you laters after they ate quietly together in her rooms, but hopefully this is one time she won't mind a surprise visit. He's holding a fairly big box in his arms, slightly wider than he is, and there are two holes cut out on the sides to let air in. It wriggles now and then, but otherwise makes no noises.
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As usual she doesn't look up right away, finishing her sentence and then deciding she can finish the paragraph and then you know what, she'll just finish the page. That doesn't mean she doesn't address him, it simply means she doesn't look up while she's doing so. She has priorities but none of them involve ignoring Cassian. "Did you forget something, Captain?"
Maybe he's here for an afternoon snuggle fest. Or other indoor sports, she's not picky.
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He rests the box against the door to free up one hand, wriggling open the handle. It flies open without finesse because he has to hold the box with both arms, and he kicks it shut behind him. It's all very loud and very unlike him.
"I forgot to give you something. You should really ask who's at the door. What if it wasn't me?"
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