ohnofeelstho | miscellaneous thoughts: i came in piece, please assemble.

Cassian and Jyn spent about three days texting back and forth about Bodhi and Luke's party. Not constantly, but in intervals, trying to decide if they actually wanted to go while deep down knowing they were definitely going. Bodhi even made sure the party started early enough for Cassian to bring Sofia for a little while.

Which is how he ends up arriving a half hour late, because the old days of punctuality are meaningless when you have a ten/eleven month old baby who doesn't give a fuck. Two sidenotes: he can't believe she's going to be one very very soon, and he can't believe this is her first Christmas already. She's adorable though, with a tiny little santa hat on her head and pants with reindeer and a red and green polka dot shirt. As soon as Luke lets them inside, she's completely enamored by all the decorations, because the two of them go all out.

He immediately finds himself looking for Jyn, even though he gets bombarded by a string of familiar faces eager to get a peak at the elusive father and baby. Shara and Kes coo over her, but Cassian knows they've been thinking about having their own soon, so he even lets them both hold her for a little while while they do a quick round of catch up small talk. Leia drags Han over and swoons, tickling her feet and playing games. Bodhi brings him a peace offering of hot cocoa buried with marshmallows and takes charge of her until he sips it enough that she won't spill it should she knock into it. Luke seems to sense there's been one too many people and settles for kissing her quickly on the head and telling Cassian he's glad to see them both.

He finally gets a breather, making his way over to the Christmas tree so Sofia can stare at the lights to occupy herself for a few minutes. The rush for baby time is Over. Not that he really minds, or he wouldn't have relinquished his hold on her, but it's always strange to be reminded of how aware most of his old friends have gotten of his new shared existence.

Jyn isn't late, honestly. She'd come early and immediately been overwhelmed with the amount of old friends at once and tucked herself into the guest room to pull herself together. She doesn't appear again until Luke comes to find her and casually mentions that Cassian and Sofia have arrived if she wants to see them. She knows what he's angling at, but Luke does it in such a gentle, calm way that it doesn't upset her.

Her hair is kind of a mess and her over large sweater is threatening to fall off one shoulder, already practically devouring her short (wrinkled) black dress, but at least she kind of dressed up. She's wearing green converse, that's festive.

"I believe this present belongs to me," she says, reaching out to scoop Sofia into her arms, burying her face in the baby's belly until she explodes into riotous giggles. Once that's achieved, Jyn tucks the baby easily on to her hip between her and Cassian, so she can still see the tree and still reach her Papa. Jyn knows how to cater to a Daddy's girl, after all those years being without her own.

"Feliz navidad, Captain." Sofia rips off her little hat and throws it on the floor with what looks like utter glee. "And you, ballenacita."

He definitely does not double take when he finally spots Jyn, because dresses are a little rare, and her look is very rumpled, but it's very Jyn and very...cute. She looks cute. His pants are definitely wrinkled too because he ran out of time before he could iron them, but his red sweater/grey collared shirt combo is nice enough. Until Sofia spits up on it, he's sure.

He's gotten so used to Jyn scooping away Sofia that he barely even bats an eye, just smiles at the baby's brief startled face before she realizes who's grabbed her. His heart melts a little watching the way Jyn plays, the way Sofia giggles, but fortunately the stupid lovestruck look on his face is gone by the time Jyn settles the baby at her hip.

"Feliz Navidad, Jyn." He leans down to pick up the hat, but doesn't bother putting it back on yet. Sofia turns back to the tree victoriously and reaches out for it, but it's just out of reach. When she realizes she can't touch it, she smacks her tiny hand at her papa instead and he grabs her tiny fingers to kiss them. "She is so excited for her first Christmas. Aren't you, mija?"

Cassian is definitely excited too, although that's hardly a secret at this point. He's honestly the more excited party here, but he can pretend otherwise.

The smile that blooms at Cassian's affection of his daughter is easy and natural, but it comes with the familiar sadness that settles in her eyes. It'd be easier, she thinks, if her father hadn't just died, but she'd always be a little bit sad seeing a father and daughter because even if Galen were still alive, she'd still be missing Saw.

"Are you sure it's Sofia who is excited? It's not someone else? Like say... gosh, maybe you?" Jyn's never been one to get excited about the holidays, any holiday, and this year is shaping up to be just as unfulfilling as the rest of them, but at least she gets a cute little distraction.

Probably.

"Does she have plans with her mom?" Bringing up Sofia's mom feels awkward, considering Jyn's lowkey jealous of her and has been since she realized Cassian had a relationship with someone long enough to make a baby, but at the same time... if he's leaving to visit or if she's coming to visit, Jyn would like to know so she won't stop by the house at random when he's not even home or steal food from his fridge that he was saving for her.

"How could you look at her face and not see excitement?" He pokes Sofia's cheek and she shakes her head, gnawing her free hand while she gets distracted by the twinkling tree lights. Okay, bad time for that, because her giggles have partially faded even if she still has half a smile on her face.

"Fine, it's mostly me," he admits with a fake sigh. He takes advantage of her distraction to put the hat back on her head, and she seems oblivious. For now.

Cassian can always feel the awkwardness from Jyn whenever she brings up Marisol, no matter how many times he has told her about how completely not serious they were. She's only seen Sofia once since he moved back home.

"I am not sure yet." He doesn't sound particularly annoyed about this though. "She said her family always goes away for the holidays, and she seems to be waiting for permission to go with them." A beat. "From me, she wants to make sure it's okay with me. Right now Sofia's only plans are to eat her first Abuelita Christmas dinner."

Pick at some pieces more like, but close enough.

"Don't keep her waiting," Jyn gently chides. She doesn't get a say in anything Cassian does, but she does think that maybe he should not leave her hanging any longer than he has to, that's just being polite.

Shifting slightly, Jyn lifts her hand to adjust the little hat and Sofia decides that means it's time to rest her head against Jyn's shoulder instead while she stares at the twinkling lights. Which leaves Jyn's hand hovering in the air briefly, struck stupid by the baby's sweet, guileless affection. Oh no. When her brain fires again, she settles her hand on Sofia's back and gently cradles her against her chest.

Help.

Abuelita's dinner though, Sofia is a lucky baby. Hopefully she makes enough street corn and tamales that Jyn can steal the leftovers the next day.

He is keeping her waiting for what are probably selfish reasons. Does it make him a bad dad if he tells her she can go? He doesn't really care, it's not like she's involved other than financially, but it's Sofia's first Christmas. Shouldn't her mom be there, for her sake?? He knows Marisol would come, but he also thinks it would be very strange to have her here.

"I am giving myself until tomorrow. It's..." Not something he should talk about with Jyn, but it's not something he feels comfortable talking about with anyone else really. "Complicated?" Could he have said anything more cliche??

He smiles very softly at the sight of Sofia curling against Jyn. She is in general a very affectionate baby, but she's been very taken with Jyn almost since the get-go. It does strange things to his heart and he tries not to think about it, for many many many reasons. Even so, it's a very distracting sight and it takes him a few very long seconds before he remembers to speak again. "What about you? What are your plans?"

"Nothing special. Hanging with Bodhi." She shrugs a little, dipping her head down to kiss Sofia's forehead, breathing in her baby scent like it's a drug. It basically is, she smells so good it makes Jyn feels all warm and fuzzy inside. As does she way Sofia nestles closer, little hand curling around Jyn's collar.

"I'm sure Sof's gonna enjoy Abuelita's dinner, but--" Her mouth twists, feeling a little awkward. She doesn't have any say in any of this, she shouldn't have an opinion, but she knows Cassian and she has a little experience in this arena. "I grew up with a dad who wasn't... present, and he was right there all the time. Maybe she needs more time to come around on her own. Or maybe she won't, but from someone who spent her early years trying to figure out what I did wrong that made Papa not pay attention to me... Physical presence isn't always best if emotional presence isn't there yet."

Sofia lifts her head and then abruptly lets it fall back to Jyn's shoulder like she'd decided being upright was a stupid idea when she could make Jyn do all the support work.

He'd assumed she'd be with Bodhi, but he makes a mental note to check in with him later too, because he swears he heard Luke talking about their spending Christmas together this year. "It doesn't have to be special. Just... warm."

However little say she may have in the end, Cassian hangs on to her every word regardless. He wants her opinion and he wants to talk to her, so he takes the little insight into a vague gateway to at least bring up a little bit about his mess of feelings. "I don't care what she wants to do," he admits with a vague sense of guilt. "And I know Abuelita does not want her here. Marisol has very little emotional presence."

He looks down at his daughter in Jyn's arms, leaning in without thinking to kiss her cheek, and her face goes all wrinkly. Today is a do not like dad's beard day. It puts him very close to Jyn in the process, and he pulls back quickly. "But it should not be about us. It should be about Sofia. It's not like she is going to remember any of this, but..." His mouth turns into more of a frown while he watches her curled up. "I worry Marisol should be there anyway. What if Sofia is mad at me one day for it?"

He feels guilty for dumping this on Jyn too, especially at her brother's holiday party, but it's Jyn and he used to go to her with these things all the time. Apparently years apart hasn't changed that urge.

Okay, well that is all a mess and Jyn does understand it, frowning slightly in thought before she decides to keep butting into Cassian's business like she's been invited to do so.

"Abuelita doesn't get an opinion, only you do, so let me rephrase this: What do you want?"

No what he thinks he should do, not what he thinks Sofia will want in the distant future, not what his grandmother or his friends or his guilt wants. What he wants for Sofia's first Christmas. Magazines are always talking happy mom, happy baby, the same thing applies to single dads.

She has definitely been invited to do so. He wants to go to her about almost everything, because he doesn't really have anyone else to go to, but at the same time he feels weird about it.

Her question strikes him as odd, but mostly because he hasn't really thought about what he wants lately. He doesn't reply right away, thinking it over and she can probably tell he's taking the question to heart. Sofia is so enamored by the lights, tucked in so neatly against Jyn and so unaware of everything else and all he wants is for her to be happy. That's first.

But he might have some seconds, even if he still feels guilty about it. "I just want something quiet. I want Abuelita's Christmas Eve dinner. I do not think... I want her there. She has made it clear her involvement is going to be minimal. If she does not care enough to convince me to let her be there, why should I convince her myself?"

He leans out and brushes his thumb over Sofia's cheek and she coos, but then he looks back up at Jyn. "I am sorry, if my talking about this makes you uncomfortable."

"There's your decision." All made and neatly wrapped up. If Marisol wants to come she'll have to tell him so herself and that seems fair to Jyn. There should be effort and it shouldn't just be on Cassian's part. As long as he doesn't close the door entirely, Jyn thinks this is a good, solid decision.

Her head tips to rest her cheek against Sofia's head, against the hat really, following the baby's gaze to the tree.

"I don't mind, Andor. It's like old times. I just don't want to overstep or anything." Obviously she will if she thinks he needs it, like now, she thinks he very much needed a push to think about what he wanted out of all of this. But usually she adopts the hands off approach when it comes to his daughter, at least when it comes to decisions because obviously she's hands on when it comes to cuddles and kisses.

"I can take her home for you, if you want to stay. I think I'm gonna cut out early. Still not into parties." Even her brother and future brother-in-law's parties, alas. At least she knows neither of them will take offense to her fleeing.

It is a decision, isn't it? He feels a little lighter knowing it's made, and he shoots her a smile that says thank you. He'll draft up the message later, because he still wants to phrase it in the least dismissive way possible.

"You're not. I would tell you," he says. "And I like being able to talk to you." It is like old times. It's kind of scary how easily it came back to them. How much time he still wants to spend with her.

Then she says she's going to leave, or at least soon, and his face falls before he can hide it. Honestly, he does not really want to be here without her. Everyone adores Sofia, but it's hard to have adult conversations sometimes when they're fawning over her.

"But I just got here." Wait, what, no, hold on. He doesn't want to imply - whatever she might take from that. "What I mean is, she is good for a while. I -" How does he ask her not to leave without sounding weird? He's going to stress about being weird with Jyn from now until forever. "Would you stay, for a little longer?"

He wants her to stay. They can be anti-social together.

Edited 2017-12-04 06:02 (UTC)

Jyn takes nothing from that, eyebrows knitting together briefly because Cassian is stumbling over everything and he's always been steadily forthright. Sofia tries to backflip out of Jyn's arms, but Jyn catches her and turns her around entirely so her back is snugly pressed against Jyn's chest.

The brief bleat of surprise leads Jyn to assume she was not expecting this turn of events. How will she backflip now? There is nowhere to go???? Oh look, lights.

With a soft chuckle, Jyn looks up at Cassian. "Yeah, alright. Only 'cause you begged."

And she does stay, for a full hour, refusing to give up the baby because Sofia can be her anti-social buffer and she will take advantage of that fact at every turn. (And because Cassian deserves a break.) In a quiet moment while Cassian is chatting with Bodhi across the room, she passes Sofia to Luke who looked like he was pining for baby time. When Sofia passes out against her chest, Jyn decides she can call it and creeps up behind Cassian from his spot lingering by the open door frame, quietly observing the party.

"Your date passed out and it's against Girl Code for me to leave her to be walked home alone by a bloke." Therefore... it's been long enough and Jyn wants to leave and look at this precious excuse curled up with her hand curled around Jyn's necklace and one of her feet caught on the hem of Jyn's sweater, all tangled up in her Papa's old friend.

Jyn says she'll stay and Cassian doesn't care if she's teasing him. He just smiles at her, smiles at Sofia's stunned look, and feels easy.

He knows he's comfortable leaving Sofia to Jyn. He's let her babysit when Abuelita couldn't, or even sometimes when Jyn just offered. But watching her parade around using his baby as a buffer to conversation is both charming and so strangely normal a sight since she walked back into his life not too long ago. He has no concern leaving Sofia to Jyn, doesn't feel the need to check in every two seconds. Jyn's even mastered the backflip block. He trusts her.

Selfishly, it's also nice to have a break in holding her. He's eager to take Sofia back once Jyn comes over, but as soon as he sees the way she's sleeping, absolutely no, he cannot.

His entire heart melts at the sight of it. He barely processes what Jyn says at first, because his daughter is completely curled up in her arms, sleeping so utterly peacefully. "You are so good with her."

Wait, she wants to leave. That's what Jyn was saying. Somewhere in the background he is pretty sure Luke started playing Mariah Carey, but he's too focused on Jyn with his daughter. "I walked here," he says in relation to that part, finally.

Edited (i forgot the most important part ) 2017-12-08 03:26 (UTC)

"She's an easy baby." A warm and soft and easy baby making Jyn feel all warm and fuzzy.

She smiles at Cassian as he catches up, nodding slowly. "I'm aware, Andor. I'll walk her home, you can stay longer." He looked like he was having a good time and she knows he doesn't get a lot of time to himself sans baby so she figures she'll give him a little more time. "Have a couple drinks, let Bodhi showcase his pumpkin bread and show you his new stand mixer, be an adult for once. Let this be my Christmas gift to you."

Also maybe she bought him a blanket.

"That sounds like an oxymoron." She's not wrong though. As far as babies go, Sofia is pretty easy compared to others. He's lucky.

Part of him still wants Jyn to stay, but he knows she doesn't like parties. Her offer also sounds nice, because he rarely does get a chance to be an Adult. Just because he'd rather be adulting with Jyn -

Wow, okay. He smiles at her, quietly grateful. "Are you sure? She will probably be out for a while, but..."

He reaches out and brushes his thumb over Sofia's cheek, leaving his hand hovering near her tiny sleeping face. He knows Jyn adores his daughter, but he still always falters on leaving her to other people. Maybe he still just can't get over the current sight of them together in front of him. "Do you mind staying at my house, until I come home? I don't think I will stay much longer either."

"I mean I was just gonna leave her with some knives and, like, matches, but--" Jyn shrugs, making a face like Cassian ruined her plans to abscond on a baby. Boy, please. "Yeah, Cassian, I'll stay with her."

She hefts up the baby a bit, shifting her grip. "Say goodnight."

Edited 2017-12-10 06:36 (UTC)

He rolls his eyes. He should have expected that, but she should have expected all his clarifications too. "Thank you," he says softly, because he has his Abuelita, but this is different.

Cassian leans down to kiss Sofia's cheek, then the top of her head. When he looks up, Jyn's face is right there. They're so close.

All I want for Christmas is you bellows from the other room. They're quiet in the open doorway, and no one's looking because Chirrut is doing something ridiculous.

There's mistletoe above them. He can feel his heart flutter like he's sixteen. He leans in before he can overthink and lose the moment, justifying the way he kisses her under the guise of tradition. It's very quick, just a peck on the lips, mostly hidden by the way Sofia is curled between them as attention towards her.

When he pulls away, they're still very close, and his ears are a little red as worry overtakes him like a truck once he realizes what exactly he's just done. But he's had a good evening, and Jyn is back in his life, and she's holding his daughter preciously. "Goodnight, Jyn." It's almost a question, because now he's nervous, even as he gestures vaguely upward with his excuse.

Edited 2017-12-10 07:29 (UTC)

It all happens so fast that for a moment Jyn can't decide if it actually happened of if the soft, fleeting kiss was some kind of fever dream. Maybe she was roofied and her brain is acting out absurdities while she's laying in the bath cuddling a bottle of shampoo.

But no, Cassian's ears are pink like they used to be when he was embarrassed or a kind of fluttery nervous or socially apprehensive. She follows his gesture, spotting the sprig of mistletoe neatly tied with a red ribbon and carefully tacked to the door frame.

Mistletoe.

Briefly, Jyn debates punching her brother. It's this debate that means she takes too long to answer, the silence drawing out awkwardly before she spits out, "See you later, Andor," and slips past him for the door. She collects her coat, deciding it's unnecessary with a tiny space heater on her chest and tucking it under her arm while Sofia's is draped over her like a blanket.

When Cassian eventually returns home, he will find woman and daughter in bed, Sofia tucked against Jyn's chest with an arm slung across her middle so she can't roll over and right off the bed. Jyn's phone is propped on the other pillow, playing classical music covers of pop songs and projecting stars across the ceiling in dim green light that barely illuminates the pair cuddled under one of the blankets.

She doesn't seem to have any kind of real reaction to it, which makes him feel even more nervous. Her quick goodbye and hasty flight have him convinced he made the wrong call. He'll apologize later, when he gets back home.

For now he does what she told him to. He socializes, he has one (1) drink, he resists the urge to text and check in on Sofia because she's in Jyn's safe hands, she's fine. When Chirrut and Baze leave, Cassian follows suit a few minutes later, but he's signed off by a string of fond farewells that are kind of nice.

He gets home in a good mood, albeit still nervous over Jyn, and he starts to hum along with the song he hears from another room. Taking his shoes off, he meanders towards the bedroom and stops short at the doorway.

It kind of just makes him want to kiss her again. He thought it was bad before, but seeing Jyn in his bed with his daughter is a lot to deal with!! They both look so at peace, the stars giving them a warm kind of glow, and he almost doesn't want to disturb them.

"Jyn?" He says it very, very softly, because he knows if she's awake she'll hear it regardless.

She's half awake when she hears the front door open and close, smiling into Sofia's downy soft hair when she hears humming. Her eyes flutter open when Cassian says her name, turning her head the tiniest bit to offer him the small smile she was so recently hiding.

"Now you know my secret of why she's so well rested when I babysit." Nap time is for both of them.

She should sit up, talk to Cassian like an adult but that sounds lame and Sofia is so warm and soft, she refuses to give up the comfort of her snuggled to her chest, so instead she carefully reaches over to move her phone off the pillow, flicking the blanket back in an invitation for him to lay down with the both of them.

She smiles at him and he smiles back, because it's contagious and because his heart is all aflutter. He lets out a tiny laugh, because of course it's nap time. Jyn loves her nap time, it works out very nicely with Sofia who also loves nap time.

The invitation settles some of his nerves. She wouldn't tell him to lay down beside her if she was mad at him. He shuffles a little awkwardly towards the bed, stopping at the edge.

"So the next time she won't go bed, I should just ask for your help?"

It's a buffer before he sits down, shifting until he's laying down on the pillow next to them both. He's distracted for a moment by Sofia's sleeping face, because it's very rare he gets to see it from this angle, and everything inside him melts all over again. He traces his thumb over her cheek and she snuffles peacefully a little against Jyn.

"Of course." Like it is a forgone conclusion even though Jyn's never been known to sleep particularly well, that's why she loves naps in the first place. She's always done better with someone beside her, as it happens there simply hasn't been anyone in quite a long time.

She waits until he is distracted by his sleeping daughter to casually mention that, "You kissed me."

Sure, it was mistletoe, but she knows how stubborn he can be. No one was around. He could have very simply ignored tradition and not kissed her, but he'd kissed her. A large part of her hates the idea of discussing it, but he'd kissed her for the first time in years and she hadn't forgotten what that was like, she remembered so many kisses and that one felt so much like a first kiss, like their first kiss, she wants to know if there are going to be follow up kisses.

Was that just a kiss or was it a first kiss?

Babies can help anyone sleep, this is proven scientific fact. He is sufficiently distracted by said sleeping baby that when Jyn speaks up again, it does catch him off guard and he stills for a moment.

His expression turns a little sheepish, but he does look back up at her. He's an adult, he can be honest about this. "I did," he starts. "I wanted to," he continues, both softly and nervously. He wanted to kiss her, and not just because there was mistletoe hanging above them.

He wants to apologize, but he knows she doesn't always like them. "Was that okay?"

my idea of christmas, whether old-fashioned or modern, is very simple: loving others

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