ohnofeelstho | miscellaneous thoughts: i came in piece, please assemble.

He bursts into a laugh and gives her a look of complete disbelief, because what?? Jyn?? Why are you like this?

"I could not see it, Jyn. I do not have x-ray vision." But his hands slide up her back again, finding the stupid zipper and pulling it undone. Without any more rude remarks, he finally tugs it up and over her head, throwing it away from the bed just as carelessly as the sweater.

He forgets to breathe for a second, not bothering to hide the way he looks her up and down from where he lays beneath her, the comfortable bra and boy shorts still doing it for him, apparently. He feels warm all over.

"I did not forget. Not at all." His hands smooth over her back, one of them up her side where his thumb brushes against the edge of her bra. She's got faint tan lines and better defined muscles, probably from all the climbing. There it is! Now it's his turn to look fuckstruck. "You have more freckles."

"Shut up."

How dare he point out her freckles! She ducks down to scrape her teeth against his neck, but it's really to hide the blush the starts to creep up her chest at the way he is looking at her. That's a completely unfair look and it makes her feel warm and dizzy and incredibly ready to throw down.

Which is why she scoots back on his hips, mouth moving from his neck to his collarbone to his chest, kissing down him as she shimmies onto his thighs, fingers setting to work on his pants. It's still too fast, but it's still Cassian and if she is expected to stop after he looked at her like she's a bloody work of art? Fuck that.

How unlucky for her, he did notice her blush! It makes him grin a little smugly, which she misses entirely because then her mouth is on his neck and his eyes flutter shut for a moment. He can feel her hands at his pants, and he would help her because he really wants them gone, but that would mean he has to stop touching her.

His fingertips slip under the band of her bra, and he's fiddling with the clasps when there's a tiny whine through the monitor. He stills for a second, but then three seconds later the whine strikes again, a little louder and clearly no longer just a sleeping sound as it turns into full on crying.

It sends a wave of panic through him. His grip on Jyn tightens, and he struggles to move out from underneath her. "I have to -"

Cassian doesn't quite shove Jyn onto the bed, but he definitely moves her sideways with enough force that the momentum slides her off him. She's managed to get his pants open and partially pulled down, which in turn slows down his scramble to climb out of bed.

He also forgets about the blankets. They were mostly shoved down in their rush to get each other naked, but they're still twisted around his feet and he needs to kick at them a few times to get free. Apparently just not free enough, because when he rolls off the mattress, he's still tangled enough in the blankets at his ankles and stuck in his pants enough to just... fall. He literally falls out of bed in his rush to get to his crying daughter.

Jyn doesn't fight the way he pushes her away, nor does she feel any kind of disappointment. This is not the first time either of them has been shoved off the other, frankly, and there's a nostalgic familiarity that has her softening before be literally falls out of bed and she has to bite back a laugh.

This isn't a laughing matter!

She can tell he's kind of panicking and it would take more time for her to help him out of the blankets and back into his pants than it would take to roll out of bed so that is what she does instead.

"I've got her."

She snags her sweater off the floor as she hurries out of Cassian's bedroom, tugging it on before she slips into Sofia's room and spies her standing up in her crib and pawing at the slats with her toes like an unhappy bull, wailing for attention. Jyn hums a soothing noise before scooping the baby up into her arms and gently rocking her.

"Oh, I know, little dove, it's very frustrating when you can't say what you want. Papa will be here soon and we'll-- oh, I see someone needs a new diaper, is that it? Is that what this fuss is about. Well, I don't blame you at all, let's sort that out shall we?" Regardless of whether Cassian has managed to make it into his daughter's room or not, Jyn is going to start changing her diaper, because it's just mean to wait even a few seconds.

Jyn says I've got her and it settles him enough to stop. To think. Jyn slips out of the room quickly enough while he shakes himself out of the panic. He disentangles from the blankets and stumbles to his feet, yanking his pants back up. He does not button them or put a shirt on, but he's still feeling hurried to get to his daughter.

It doesn't take him long to slip into the room. He can hear Jyn talking to Sofia, which settles him more, and there's a lot of feelings to unwrap with that, but later.

He steps up behind her while Jyn lays the baby down to change her, feeling weirdly anxious that he's not the one taking care of it. He touches his hand to the small of her back. "I can finish."

Jyn's head bobs in a nod, leaning over to kiss Sofia's scrunched up, unhappy face. "Told you he'd be here. Good night, Sof." She steps to the side so Cassian can take her place, squeezing his arm in reassurance. It's all fine. Sofia's fine. He's fine.

Everyone is fine.

She darts out of the room so he can have time with his daughter, heading back to his room to somewhat awkwardly hang out. She hangs up his shift and pullover, gently drapes her dress over his desk chair, fixes the blankets and winds up basically making the bed while she listens to Cassian and Sofia putter around over the monitor, feeling suddenly like she's intruding on their sweet life together. She checks her phone, ignores her messages, paces a little, pulls her dress back on when she decides maybe they should leave the making out to when someone is babysitting. Finally she snags one of Cassian's books off a shelf and flips it open, curling up against the headboard and reading while she waits.

She doesn't want to just sneak out, she's going to say bye before she slinks home.

He's so worried she's going to leave. It's an idle thought that lingers the whole time he changes Sofia's diaper, while he hums softly to her until she falls back asleep. The whole thing doesn't take much longer than ten minutes or so, because the baby really is a very good sleeper.

Cassian comes back into his own room, and finds a wave of relief rolling over him when he sees Jyn is still there. She's tidied up, which worries him a little because she doesn't usually care about that sort of thing. She's dressed again, so he tugs a t-shirt on too and walks a little slowly over to the bed while he tries to figure out what he wants to say.

"Thank you." That's a good start. He climbs into bed beside her, sitting up against the headboard. Thank you, for not leaving yet, for helping with his daughter, for the very enjoyable if quick make out.

But what if that's it? What if she's realized what involving herself with him to that level really means and she doesn't really want it? He would understand, but it's still anxious to think about it. He really does want her to stay in his life this time. "I am sorry. I have not - I have not had anyone over, since she was born. I don't know how to navigate it well."

"No, no, don't apologize." She holds her hand up as if she can stem his apologies or take them back for him, letting the book drop into her lap. "You don't have to navigate it, it's your life. I get it, I do, and I'm glad I could help."

The unspoken but is so loud it's practically deafening.

"You have a really good thing going, especially now that you get out of the house and interact with adults on occasion. You know, Sofia has structure and people she can depend on, and you're doing amazing. You're such a good dad, it's... ridiculous."

It's still there, like Jumanji drums thundering in the background.

"I don't want to intrude and before you say I'm not, please let me finish. I'm the least dependable person you know, and we both know that. I don't even know if I'm staying. I don't know if I'm going and then coming back or going and staying gone or staying and then going. But I can't subject Sofia to that uncertainty. Or you."

She can't fall in love with that baby and then leave her except that is exactly what she is doing before that baby can get attached.

He wants to interrupt her, because he wants to reassure her to the moon and back that he wants her to stay, that he likes having her around, that he's been so happy with Jyn back in his life again.

But her but.

Cassian can feel his heart sinking in his chest, and maybe he's too tired to fully hide it on his face too.

"What if I want to navigate it?" He probably shouldn't have asked, because it's like he wants to set himself up for disappointment. He'd thought maybe she'd stay. He'd hoped. But it was dumb, because she's been working in Peru for so long. She has a life there, a job and work she loves. He has a baby which is another entire level of responsibility no matter how much Jyn adores her.

He would not have this really good thing going if it hadn't been for Jyn pushing him to remember he could have some semblance of a life. He'd forgotten, or maybe tried to pretend, that she didn't actually live here.

"The job - I know," he says softly, like he's getting ready to resign himself into losing her all over again. He knows her plans are up in the air, like they've been for weeks since she arrived. He reaches for her hand anyway, a tentative touch of their fingers. "But I do want you to know that not once has it ever felt like you were intruding. Even if you don't believe me. You were always there when it mattered."

Like just now, when she'd went to his crying daughter immediately and didn't say a word.

"I wasn't." Why is he acting like she is a good friend! She is a garbage friend. "You have a daughter and I wasn't there. You had a girlfriend and I wasn't there." He had a life and she'd fucked off.

Doesn't mean she doesn't twist their fingers together when he reaches for her hand, she still wants to be here. She just doesn't think she should be.

Her face crumples a little, finding she doesn't want to leave. But... her job... she loves her job and sadly they don't have a mountain range in town. Already she's been trying to think of ways to make it easier to return but it's been hard to find a way with visas and work visas and grants.

"Do you? Want to navigate all this?"

"No one was there." That seems like a very important distinction. He'd been away from everyone and no one except abuelita knew about Sofia until he came home with her. He didn't even know about his baby until a few weeks before she was born. "I did not reach out to you these years either."

She takes his hand though. Maybe it's not as hopeless? Just... a new sudden awareness that whatever they are isn't as easy as it might have been all those years ago. Cassian absolutely doesn't want to keep her from her job. Everything about it makes it sound like the perfect speed for her. He wants her here, but it's not like he has much to offer. Sofia might be worth it, but he's not.

He hesitates before he answers, if only because he's afraid the truth will scare her away. "I do," he says quietly. "I missed you. I like being with you. I never wanted to figure out how to do this with a child until I asked you to stay over."

He always felt too guilty before, and part of him still does, like it's taking away attention and time from his baby, but much like Jyn reminded him already, he still needs to pay attention to himself. He's working on it.

And it's Jyn.

"She's asleep," Jyn says automatically, impatiently, defending Cassian's decision to take time for himself without even thinking about it and knowing he will fill in the blanks. He can't be paying attention to Sofia! There's nothing to be paying attention to! She's bloody asleep!

She will punch his parental guilt in the face.

It's not even what she should be addressing, but it really is automatic and she shakes her head, back tracking. "I missed you too." But she'd broken up with him and she didn't feel like she had any right to hunt him down when she'd finally decided maybe she could be a person and talk to their mates again.

"It's been, like, eight years. What if we fuck it up? I can't do that to Sof."

"She wakes up." She wakes up and interrupts and breaks them back into reality where Jyn has to leave again. Part of him wishes she'd stayed asleep, but then he feels bad about it.

Still, at least he seems vaguely amused by her immediate defense and attack on his guilt. She made it easier to remember he exists as a person outside a father. He'll always appreciate that.

Cassian squeezes her hand, then loosens his grip apologetically. "As you have eloquently pointed out several times, she is a baby." She won't... remember, if they fuck it up sooner rather than later. "Maybe eight years is the time we needed to make it work instead."

"So we'll put her back to sleep," Jyn protests. It feels a little weird trying to counter his seemingly perfunctory arguments, considering she is also the one that told him to suck it up and hire a sitter to watch Sofia sleep so he can go out to do adult things.

She wasn't angling for it to work in her favor but that's not too shabby.

"I'm still the same shitty person, I just have a tan now." The only difference? She's an orphan now, she gave in and started wearing leggings like pants because sometimes she is too lazy to zip up a pair of jeans, she owns a house that she didn't pay for.

We'll she says and he tries to stomp down on the flutter that rolls over his chest. The word makes it sound so easy, when it's clearly not. "What if I am too distracted?"

Impossible, because he's too hyperaware, but that's probably the crux of his guilt about having people over for the night. Maybe that's why it felt easier with Jyn. She'd understand.

He doesn't answer her right away. He hasn't seen her in years, he doesn't know everything that's different. He does know that he does not agree. "I never thought you were a shitty person." They are both full of poor decisions, or they wouldn't have broken up in the first place. But he's never thought she was a bad person for it. "Why are you trying to convince me that I do not want you around?"

She shakes her head again, looking like she's gearing up to continue arguing with him because that is just the Jyn Erso way but what slips out instead is a helpless "I don't know", betraying every part of her that tried to pretend she was always alright on her own.

She is, she was, but that doesn't mean she's been happy. She'd always thought her loneliness was missing her mom or missing Saw or missing the father she barely knew, but now that father is dead and she can feel the difference in the sadness of losing him and the sadness in the idea of leaving Cassian again.

"My job... I don't know what I'm doing, all my stuff is in Peru." That last one is the weakest excuse because, as a rule, Jyn doesn't have stuff.

He squeezes her hand again, but leaves their fingers wound up a little tighter this time. She looks so unhappy, and he shakes his head too, because he doesn't know either. Everything about this is a giant pile of uncertainty.

"I am not asking you to - leave it, I could never. I would not want you to leave your job." She's doing so well for herself on that front. It would be incredibly selfish and it literally never occurred to him - which tells him a lot about little they've actually thought about any logistics thus far in their tiny happy bubble. He doesn't even care that he knows she doesn't keep a lot of stuff. He'd let her get away with the excuse, if she really wanted.

"But maybe you could just... come back sometimes." It's not ideal, but it's not like either of them are in a position to up and leave their lives right now. He just wants something to keep her in his life.

Edited 2017-12-30 02:12 (UTC)

"I could." She will because now Bodhi is all the family have left and, more importantly, she is all the family he has left. He has Luke now, but he made it very clear that he wants Jyn to be near him. It's half the reason she's stayed this long.

The other half is sitting in front of her.

"I don't care that she woke up, I really don't, but I'm starting to wish it was like five minutes earlier because that way we could be having sex right now and have saved the existential crises for the morning." If she had woken up before they'd started making out or once they were finished, perfect. But they were going to have to talk about it anyway, probably better that Sofia's not awake to witness it. That baby girl is so perceptive, the tension would upset her.

Edited 2017-12-30 05:47 (UTC)

I could sounds way less like a complete shutdown. There's always Bodhi, he knows she would come back for Bodhi, but maybe... he could be a part of it too. "You could," he repeats. "You have a place here."

Cassian pauses for a second, then just lets out the quickest burst of a laugh, barely two seconds long. "It was probably a good reminder, about everything." Sofia was bound to come up, all of it was, and maybe it's better to some of it out now. They both hate talking about feelings, but they'll need to. For Sofia's sake, at the very least. She is very in tune with her father's moods.

"I would not have wanted sleeping with you to be a one off thing anyway." He doesn't mean just having sex to scratch their sexual tension itch. He wants... more than that, with her. Somehow. "You can still stay over, if you'd like. Have another existential crisis in the morning." Even without the sex. He doesn't want to ask now, but he wouldn't say no to curling up in bed with her, regardless of how their talking about the future goes.

Edited 2017-12-30 06:36 (UTC)

You have a place here.

It's a start, she thinks. Step one of talking, because it is important and necessary now. And they still have time, she's not leaving tomorrow, they can figure something else. Maybe it'll be hard, but it'll be worth it, he would be worth it. She nods slowly, agreeing that she doesn't want sex to be a one off and maybe that is what pushes forward to kiss him again, determined and purposeful.

She is going to stay over and he is going to make her pancakes in the morning, with her existential crisis on the side. And their sleeping together won't be a one night stand because she's going to find her way back again. Somehow.

But that starts with tonight.

She doesn't say anything else. She just kisses him again, and he wants to melt into it and into her. He slides his hand into her hair and kisses her back with that same kind of purpose.

"Do you still want this? Tonight?" He kisses her again, which seems counterproductive to his checking in, but she started it. Again.

It's not just tonight, no matter what happens. It feels like the real start of something, and it's kind of terrifying when he thinks about Sofia in the next room, ever since Jyn whirled back into his life, he has a hard time picturing a life without her. Whatever it is, however they fit, he wants to try. And so does she. That's enough for tonight and beyond.

"I do," she answers carefully, firmly. Already something in herself wants to say she wants this every night, but that is ridiculous and she can't say that. She can't. It's been years. They just kissed. This is--

No, she can't say that.

Tonight is enough. Tonight is a step, she's not going to jump headfirst into it when-- When what if she isn't good enough anymore. He has a daughter who needs a strong, independent female role model, but a woman who ran away to freakin' Peru to avoid her problems.

"Tonight."

Edited 2018-01-24 04:11 (UTC)

Tonight, she agrees. It fills him with both hope and worry, because they seem to be on the same page now but the morning could still be different. He wants it to be more than tonight, but he'll still take this now.

He hasn't really let himself want this much in a while. Jyn was right in a lot of ways, he was using Sofia as an excuse, and he still feels kind of selfish - but he looks at her and feels like himself again. Not the same version she knew once upon a time, but the kind of person she could still like and want too.

Tonight. He leans in and kisses her, cradling her face between his hands while he moves back into her space. "Take two then," he says lightly against her mouth, at his own expense. No falling out of bed this time. Only falling into bed.

He has literally just kissed her again but because of the baby in the next room she feels compelled to ask him, the question stammered between kisses. "Have you got condoms or should I run to the store now before you get my knickers off?"

It's probably for the best that Sofia interrupted them, because she hadn't been thinking about it before and they had been well on their way. She doesn't know what he's got stocked in the house. He barely sees his friends, she doubts he packed up condoms before he moved and she doesn't think it's likely that he bought any recently.

It might end up being take three.

It takes him a second to answer, because kissing her is the best kind of distraction. It makes him pause because - he's pretty sure he has them. But it's been a while?

"I did -" But he hasn't used or looked at them in ages. He hasn't bought them since before Sofia was born. He pulls away reluctantly, because one accident baby is enough. He gives himself a moment to catch his breath. "Let me check. Expiration dates -"

Half sentences, because she's got him so unfocused. He climbs away from her and off the bed, digging around in his dresser drawers. He pulls out a box after about thirty seconds and squints at it. "They are still good, technically, but - I bought them over a year ago. Maybe two?"

Cassian is a boy scout, but right now he's a boy scout with a baby, and sex has been the last thing on his mind. He's probably still got one in his wallet, but it's been there way too long to be useful by this point.

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