She shakes her head again, looking like she's gearing up to continue arguing with him because that is just the Jyn Erso way but what slips out instead is a helpless "I don't know", betraying every part of her that tried to pretend she was always alright on her own.
She is, she was, but that doesn't mean she's been happy. She'd always thought her loneliness was missing her mom or missing Saw or missing the father she barely knew, but now that father is dead and she can feel the difference in the sadness of losing him and the sadness in the idea of leaving Cassian again.
"My job... I don't know what I'm doing, all my stuff is in Peru." That last one is the weakest excuse because, as a rule, Jyn doesn't have stuff.
He squeezes her hand again, but leaves their fingers wound up a little tighter this time. She looks so unhappy, and he shakes his head too, because he doesn't know either. Everything about this is a giant pile of uncertainty.
"I am not asking you to - leave it, I could never. I would not want you to leave your job." She's doing so well for herself on that front. It would be incredibly selfish and it literally never occurred to him - which tells him a lot about little they've actually thought about any logistics thus far in their tiny happy bubble. He doesn't even care that he knows she doesn't keep a lot of stuff. He'd let her get away with the excuse, if she really wanted.
"But maybe you could just... come back sometimes." It's not ideal, but it's not like either of them are in a position to up and leave their lives right now. He just wants something to keep her in his life.
"I could." She will because now Bodhi is all the family have left and, more importantly, she is all the family he has left. He has Luke now, but he made it very clear that he wants Jyn to be near him. It's half the reason she's stayed this long.
The other half is sitting in front of her.
"I don't care that she woke up, I really don't, but I'm starting to wish it was like five minutes earlier because that way we could be having sex right now and have saved the existential crises for the morning." If she had woken up before they'd started making out or once they were finished, perfect. But they were going to have to talk about it anyway, probably better that Sofia's not awake to witness it. That baby girl is so perceptive, the tension would upset her.
I could sounds way less like a complete shutdown. There's always Bodhi, he knows she would come back for Bodhi, but maybe... he could be a part of it too. "You could," he repeats. "You have a place here."
Cassian pauses for a second, then just lets out the quickest burst of a laugh, barely two seconds long. "It was probably a good reminder, about everything." Sofia was bound to come up, all of it was, and maybe it's better to some of it out now. They both hate talking about feelings, but they'll need to. For Sofia's sake, at the very least. She is very in tune with her father's moods.
"I would not have wanted sleeping with you to be a one off thing anyway." He doesn't mean just having sex to scratch their sexual tension itch. He wants... more than that, with her. Somehow. "You can still stay over, if you'd like. Have another existential crisis in the morning." Even without the sex. He doesn't want to ask now, but he wouldn't say no to curling up in bed with her, regardless of how their talking about the future goes.
It's a start, she thinks. Step one of talking, because it is important and necessary now. And they still have time, she's not leaving tomorrow, they can figure something else. Maybe it'll be hard, but it'll be worth it, he would be worth it. She nods slowly, agreeing that she doesn't want sex to be a one off and maybe that is what pushes forward to kiss him again, determined and purposeful.
She is going to stay over and he is going to make her pancakes in the morning, with her existential crisis on the side. And their sleeping together won't be a one night stand because she's going to find her way back again. Somehow.
She doesn't say anything else. She just kisses him again, and he wants to melt into it and into her. He slides his hand into her hair and kisses her back with that same kind of purpose.
"Do you still want this? Tonight?" He kisses her again, which seems counterproductive to his checking in, but she started it. Again.
It's not just tonight, no matter what happens. It feels like the real start of something, and it's kind of terrifying when he thinks about Sofia in the next room, ever since Jyn whirled back into his life, he has a hard time picturing a life without her. Whatever it is, however they fit, he wants to try. And so does she. That's enough for tonight and beyond.
"I do," she answers carefully, firmly. Already something in herself wants to say she wants this every night, but that is ridiculous and she can't say that. She can't. It's been years. They just kissed. This is--
No, she can't say that.
Tonight is enough. Tonight is a step, she's not going to jump headfirst into it when-- When what if she isn't good enough anymore. He has a daughter who needs a strong, independent female role model, but a woman who ran away to freakin' Peru to avoid her problems.
Tonight, she agrees. It fills him with both hope and worry, because they seem to be on the same page now but the morning could still be different. He wants it to be more than tonight, but he'll still take this now.
He hasn't really let himself want this much in a while. Jyn was right in a lot of ways, he was using Sofia as an excuse, and he still feels kind of selfish - but he looks at her and feels like himself again. Not the same version she knew once upon a time, but the kind of person she could still like and want too.
Tonight. He leans in and kisses her, cradling her face between his hands while he moves back into her space. "Take two then," he says lightly against her mouth, at his own expense. No falling out of bed this time. Only falling into bed.
He has literally just kissed her again but because of the baby in the next room she feels compelled to ask him, the question stammered between kisses. "Have you got condoms or should I run to the store now before you get my knickers off?"
It's probably for the best that Sofia interrupted them, because she hadn't been thinking about it before and they had been well on their way. She doesn't know what he's got stocked in the house. He barely sees his friends, she doubts he packed up condoms before he moved and she doesn't think it's likely that he bought any recently.
It takes him a second to answer, because kissing her is the best kind of distraction. It makes him pause because - he's pretty sure he has them. But it's been a while?
"I did -" But he hasn't used or looked at them in ages. He hasn't bought them since before Sofia was born. He pulls away reluctantly, because one accident baby is enough. He gives himself a moment to catch his breath. "Let me check. Expiration dates -"
Half sentences, because she's got him so unfocused. He climbs away from her and off the bed, digging around in his dresser drawers. He pulls out a box after about thirty seconds and squints at it. "They are still good, technically, but - I bought them over a year ago. Maybe two?"
Cassian is a boy scout, but right now he's a boy scout with a baby, and sex has been the last thing on his mind. He's probably still got one in his wallet, but it's been there way too long to be useful by this point.
Jyn clambers out of bed after him, peering around him at the box before grabbing one of the condoms free to look at, studying the expiration date and the manufacturer's date. After a moment, she shoves him back toward the bed with a cheerful grin, seemingly satisfied with both the dates.
"When was the last time you had a proper wank, Andor? I want to know how long this is gonna last." Just going to shove him right back on to his bed, honestly, grin turning anticipatory. She very obviously doesn't care how long it lasts, she just wants to kiss him more.
He spares a moment to notice how odd it is that she's so familiar in his space, even when they're just standing there. It's broken when she shoves him, and he laughs, reaching out for her hand so he can pull her with him every time she pushes at him.
Cassian lets himself fall backward, but he's still got her hand, so when he slides more onto the bed, it forces her onto the bed with him. "I do not keep tabs or logs, Jyn." He sounds fond if not exasperated. He keeps tugging her until she's practically on his lap again and uses his free hand to tuck some hair behind her ear. She might not care, but he does! "I will make it last."
Jyn is not fighting being tugged on to the bed, she goes happily and willingly, climbing right into his lap looking like the happiest of clams. He'd expertly talked her out of her intimacy panic and she just hopes her stupid brain will actually save the existential crisis for the morning.
For now, her fingers pluck at the edge of his tee shirt. "Gonna get my dress off in one go this time, Captain Andor?"
He welcomes the warm weight of her into his lap, smiling wider when she teases at his shirt. He rolls his eyes at her, sliding his hands around her back and idly playing with the zipper under the sweater.
Then she winks, and he just laughs, the sound rolling over him as he slides it down and opens the dress much more easily than before. "If I was not so determined to get it off, I would leave it on out of spite."
But he is not about that life right now, so he tugs her sweater off, then shimmies the dress off right after. Naturally, the zipper gets caught in her hair, and he sighs heavily as he gently untangles it. "Not one word. In any language."
Well, on one hand, Jyn doesn't say a word. In any language. She does, however, dissolve into laughter, luckily stifled from the dress stuck over her head so she doesn't wake up Sofia.
Unluckily, when Jyn tries to help Cassian along in getting the dress finally over her head, the squirming and laughter makes her knee him in the stomach. Which prompts her to dissolve into more laughter because of course this is how it's going to go for them.
He'd be embarrassed if she hadn't already seen him at his high school worst, if he didn't absolutely adore the sound of her laughter.
He lets out a winded grunt when she knees him, biting back his own laugh, and he has to pause a moment to rest his head against her shoulder. Of course this is how it goes, but in a very strange way, it's kind of comforting. This is exactly the kind of thing that would happen to them.
Chest still shaking with a quiet rumble of a laugh, he carefully manages to free the zipper, even if it's pulled a good chunk of her hair out of the braid, turning it into a mess. He throws the dress aside and sighs, giving her a self deprecating smile while he tucks some of the flyaway hair behind her ear. "It was technically one attempt."
"I'm only giving you that because I almost kneed you in the dick." She knows she was so close to his junk, so it's a miracle she didn't ruin this evening. Holding as ice pack to his balls is way less enjoyable than a hand job, she remembers. "I was trying not to recreate our first time but so far we're kinda... heading in that direction so if you wanna just go balls to the walls and bang in the car again."
Her shoulders lift in a helpless shrug, smile still playing at her lips, head tilting into his hand a little absently. Part of her is wondering how this can possibly be so easy, still, but here they are, laughing in bed, half naked and impossibly comfortable in Cassian's arms.
"It's still a victory." His smile widens against her teasing. "As much as I look back on that awkward experience fondly, I would very much just like to stay here, in the bed."
He cups her cheek when she leans into it, just taking a moment to look at her and marvel after how they've come back together again after so long. He still feels comfortable with her, like his truest self. Any mishaps feel as natural as sitting here with her on his lap. It might not make any sense, but being with her does.
"I feel overdressed," he says, giving her a very blatant once over. She is down to her undergarments, and he is not. She's more freckly, as previously noted, and much more toned. His free hand settles at her waist and he resists the urge to kiss her, at least until his shirt is gone too.
"Well then take your bloody shirt off, Cassian. You've got arms, haven't you?" She leans back and crosses her own arms, seemingly intent on watching him strip for her. Sometimes she wants to take his shirt off, sometimes she wants to watch him do it himself. Now is the latter.
He sighs dramatically, then tightens his grip on her hips to roll her over. Once he's the one straddling her (and giving her a better view he's so kind), he leans down to kiss her nose, then sits up to tug his shirt up and over his head. There's no real finesse to it, but it's gone and that's the most important part. Aforementioned arms lean down on the bed, holding himself up over her.
"I can think of one way, to make it different from our first time."
"Well Mamma Mia is already not playing in the background at the drive in or were you talking about the fact that you have abs now? And arms? And fuckin'--" She paws at his chest again before her face scrunches up as if suddenly unhappy. "Ew, we're grown ups, disgusting, when did that happen."
Why aren't they having sex to the soundtrack of Mamma Mia 2. She came back into his life to early, she needs to leave and come back in July.
Cassian laughs, both at the idea of Mamma Mia and the notion that they're adults. He has an actual child, but most of the time he still doesn't feel like a grown up.
"Are we really though?" He wrinkles his nose, then steals a quick kiss. "Apparently it happened sometime over the last few years. And sorry, but I am not getting up again just to play any form of Abba."
He has already climbed out of bed ENOUGH for now! "It isn't any of that. I would like to go down on you first. Can I?"
It never happened in their youth. He was too much of a dumb scared teenage boy. But as she disgustingly mentioned they are grown ups and he wants to! So there. He won't mind if she says no, but it won't stop him from trying again another day.
She smiles, hums into the brief kiss, eyes closing a moment before they snap open again at his request. Since when does Cassian know how to do that? Obviously in the interim, but it's still slightly surprising.
He'd always tried his hardest and done his best to get her off, which is why she faked it most of the time because he was really trying and she appreciated that. But this is new and because her ideas are still based on an eighteen year old dumbo, she doesn't think much is going to come from it.
She is skeptical, he can tell immediately. It makes him all the more eager and ready to do better. To get her off, without any faking. He likes to think he's gotten way better over the years.
He gives her a small smile. "I do want. I promise I know what I am doing now."
He tucks his thumbs into her underwear, but doesn't pull them off. She said yes, and he knows her wariness is probably just lack of confidence in his abilities, but he still waits like he wants a tiny bit more affirmation. "And tell me, if something does not work. Okay?"
"I will, Andor, just take my knickers off before I get impatient." Before. Okay. As if Jyn doesn't exist in a state of perpetual impatience. Clearly evidenced by the way she wiggles and scoots herself back like she can shimmy out of her underwear without his help.
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ohnofeelstho2017-11-27 11:07 pm
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She is, she was, but that doesn't mean she's been happy. She'd always thought her loneliness was missing her mom or missing Saw or missing the father she barely knew, but now that father is dead and she can feel the difference in the sadness of losing him and the sadness in the idea of leaving Cassian again.
"My job... I don't know what I'm doing, all my stuff is in Peru." That last one is the weakest excuse because, as a rule, Jyn doesn't have stuff.
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"I am not asking you to - leave it, I could never. I would not want you to leave your job." She's doing so well for herself on that front. It would be incredibly selfish and it literally never occurred to him - which tells him a lot about little they've actually thought about any logistics thus far in their tiny happy bubble. He doesn't even care that he knows she doesn't keep a lot of stuff. He'd let her get away with the excuse, if she really wanted.
"But maybe you could just... come back sometimes." It's not ideal, but it's not like either of them are in a position to up and leave their lives right now. He just wants something to keep her in his life.
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The other half is sitting in front of her.
"I don't care that she woke up, I really don't, but I'm starting to wish it was like five minutes earlier because that way we could be having sex right now and have saved the existential crises for the morning." If she had woken up before they'd started making out or once they were finished, perfect. But they were going to have to talk about it anyway, probably better that Sofia's not awake to witness it. That baby girl is so perceptive, the tension would upset her.
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Cassian pauses for a second, then just lets out the quickest burst of a laugh, barely two seconds long. "It was probably a good reminder, about everything." Sofia was bound to come up, all of it was, and maybe it's better to some of it out now. They both hate talking about feelings, but they'll need to. For Sofia's sake, at the very least. She is very in tune with her father's moods.
"I would not have wanted sleeping with you to be a one off thing anyway." He doesn't mean just having sex to scratch their sexual tension itch. He wants... more than that, with her. Somehow. "You can still stay over, if you'd like. Have another existential crisis in the morning." Even without the sex. He doesn't want to ask now, but he wouldn't say no to curling up in bed with her, regardless of how their talking about the future goes.
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It's a start, she thinks. Step one of talking, because it is important and necessary now. And they still have time, she's not leaving tomorrow, they can figure something else. Maybe it'll be hard, but it'll be worth it, he would be worth it. She nods slowly, agreeing that she doesn't want sex to be a one off and maybe that is what pushes forward to kiss him again, determined and purposeful.
She is going to stay over and he is going to make her pancakes in the morning, with her existential crisis on the side. And their sleeping together won't be a one night stand because she's going to find her way back again. Somehow.
But that starts with tonight.
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"Do you still want this? Tonight?" He kisses her again, which seems counterproductive to his checking in, but she started it. Again.
It's not just tonight, no matter what happens. It feels like the real start of something, and it's kind of terrifying when he thinks about Sofia in the next room, ever since Jyn whirled back into his life, he has a hard time picturing a life without her. Whatever it is, however they fit, he wants to try. And so does she. That's enough for tonight and beyond.
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No, she can't say that.
Tonight is enough. Tonight is a step, she's not going to jump headfirst into it when-- When what if she isn't good enough anymore. He has a daughter who needs a strong, independent female role model, but a woman who ran away to freakin' Peru to avoid her problems.
"Tonight."
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He hasn't really let himself want this much in a while. Jyn was right in a lot of ways, he was using Sofia as an excuse, and he still feels kind of selfish - but he looks at her and feels like himself again. Not the same version she knew once upon a time, but the kind of person she could still like and want too.
Tonight. He leans in and kisses her, cradling her face between his hands while he moves back into her space. "Take two then," he says lightly against her mouth, at his own expense. No falling out of bed this time. Only falling into bed.
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It's probably for the best that Sofia interrupted them, because she hadn't been thinking about it before and they had been well on their way. She doesn't know what he's got stocked in the house. He barely sees his friends, she doubts he packed up condoms before he moved and she doesn't think it's likely that he bought any recently.
It might end up being take three.
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"I did -" But he hasn't used or looked at them in ages. He hasn't bought them since before Sofia was born. He pulls away reluctantly, because one accident baby is enough. He gives himself a moment to catch his breath. "Let me check. Expiration dates -"
Half sentences, because she's got him so unfocused. He climbs away from her and off the bed, digging around in his dresser drawers. He pulls out a box after about thirty seconds and squints at it. "They are still good, technically, but - I bought them over a year ago. Maybe two?"
Cassian is a boy scout, but right now he's a boy scout with a baby, and sex has been the last thing on his mind. He's probably still got one in his wallet, but it's been there way too long to be useful by this point.
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"When was the last time you had a proper wank, Andor? I want to know how long this is gonna last." Just going to shove him right back on to his bed, honestly, grin turning anticipatory. She very obviously doesn't care how long it lasts, she just wants to kiss him more.
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Cassian lets himself fall backward, but he's still got her hand, so when he slides more onto the bed, it forces her onto the bed with him. "I do not keep tabs or logs, Jyn." He sounds fond if not exasperated. He keeps tugging her until she's practically on his lap again and uses his free hand to tuck some hair behind her ear. She might not care, but he does! "I will make it last."
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Jyn is not fighting being tugged on to the bed, she goes happily and willingly, climbing right into his lap looking like the happiest of clams. He'd expertly talked her out of her intimacy panic and she just hopes her stupid brain will actually save the existential crisis for the morning.
For now, her fingers pluck at the edge of his tee shirt. "Gonna get my dress off in one go this time, Captain Andor?"
And she fucking winks.
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Then she winks, and he just laughs, the sound rolling over him as he slides it down and opens the dress much more easily than before. "If I was not so determined to get it off, I would leave it on out of spite."
But he is not about that life right now, so he tugs her sweater off, then shimmies the dress off right after. Naturally, the zipper gets caught in her hair, and he sighs heavily as he gently untangles it. "Not one word. In any language."
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Unluckily, when Jyn tries to help Cassian along in getting the dress finally over her head, the squirming and laughter makes her knee him in the stomach. Which prompts her to dissolve into more laughter because of course this is how it's going to go for them.
Of course. "'m sorry!"
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He lets out a winded grunt when she knees him, biting back his own laugh, and he has to pause a moment to rest his head against her shoulder. Of course this is how it goes, but in a very strange way, it's kind of comforting. This is exactly the kind of thing that would happen to them.
Chest still shaking with a quiet rumble of a laugh, he carefully manages to free the zipper, even if it's pulled a good chunk of her hair out of the braid, turning it into a mess. He throws the dress aside and sighs, giving her a self deprecating smile while he tucks some of the flyaway hair behind her ear. "It was technically one attempt."
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Her shoulders lift in a helpless shrug, smile still playing at her lips, head tilting into his hand a little absently. Part of her is wondering how this can possibly be so easy, still, but here they are, laughing in bed, half naked and impossibly comfortable in Cassian's arms.
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He cups her cheek when she leans into it, just taking a moment to look at her and marvel after how they've come back together again after so long. He still feels comfortable with her, like his truest self. Any mishaps feel as natural as sitting here with her on his lap. It might not make any sense, but being with her does.
"I feel overdressed," he says, giving her a very blatant once over. She is down to her undergarments, and he is not. She's more freckly, as previously noted, and much more toned. His free hand settles at her waist and he resists the urge to kiss her, at least until his shirt is gone too.
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Her eyebrows arch playfully. "I'll wait."
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"I can think of one way, to make it different from our first time."
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Why aren't they having sex to the soundtrack of Mamma Mia 2. She came back into his life to early, she needs to leave and come back in July.
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"Are we really though?" He wrinkles his nose, then steals a quick kiss. "Apparently it happened sometime over the last few years. And sorry, but I am not getting up again just to play any form of Abba."
He has already climbed out of bed ENOUGH for now! "It isn't any of that. I would like to go down on you first. Can I?"
It never happened in their youth. He was too much of a dumb scared teenage boy. But as she disgustingly mentioned they are grown ups and he wants to! So there. He won't mind if she says no, but it won't stop him from trying again another day.
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He'd always tried his hardest and done his best to get her off, which is why she faked it most of the time because he was really trying and she appreciated that. But this is new and because her ideas are still based on an eighteen year old dumbo, she doesn't think much is going to come from it.
She shrugs. "Uh, yeah, if you want. Sure."
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He gives her a small smile. "I do want. I promise I know what I am doing now."
He tucks his thumbs into her underwear, but doesn't pull them off. She said yes, and he knows her wariness is probably just lack of confidence in his abilities, but he still waits like he wants a tiny bit more affirmation. "And tell me, if something does not work. Okay?"
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"Let's get this show on the road, Captain."
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