ohnofeelstho | miscellaneous thoughts: i came in piece, please assemble.

your memories of a girl at seventeen become as real and vivid as the middle-aged woman sitting in front of you. it is a happy sort of double vision, this seeing and remembering. to be seen this way is to be known.

It's weird being back in her hometown.

It doesn't feel like it's even her home anymore. Her mother is dead, Saw is dead, now her father is dead, gone mere moments after her hand curled around his on the hospital bed. She has Bodhi, she supposes. The rest of her school friends, most of whom she hasn't seen in years since she escaped into college and barely looked back. She'd seen everyone at the funeral, even Cassian, surprised at how well her school friends dressed up in dark wool and shined shoes. The outpouring of kindness should have made her feel better, but it didn't.

She doesn't know if she should even be accepting condolences for her father when she hadn't seen or spoken to him in over a decade.

It had been a nice service and then she slept until the next morning, rolling out of bed still in her black dress and changing into worn pants and an old flannel and a hoodie unearthed from the back of her closet before stumbling out of the farm house in search of coffee. It's not a huge town, it doesn't take long to follow the path to the coffee shop.

Having seen Cassian at the funeral, having even spoken to him very briefly, she isn't overly startled when she finds herself behind him in line, pushing her hair back from her face and huffing out a tired sigh before she pipes up, "Hey Andor."

Cassian had not exactly meant to end up back in his hometown either, but that's where his abuelita lives, and he knew from the day he brought her home that he wouldn't be able to raise Sofia without some kind of support network. So he moved home when she was three months old, done with school and done with the military and her mother back off to school.

When it gets back to him that Jyn comes home because of her father's deteriorating health, it makes him a little nervous and if he avoids all his friends for a while, he definitely puts the blame on Sofia.

He spoke to Jyn very quickly at the funeral, but could hardly expect her to carry on any sort of real conversation to play catch up, and part of him wondered if he'd get to see her again before she left. It worries him what she would think of him now.

He's completely blindsided when he hears her voice behind him, tired but just as welcome a sound. He knew he should have stocked up on coffee the other day, but no, the coffee shop had to be close to his house. He supposes there's no real smooth way to handle this, so he just draws in a breath and turns to look at her with a tired smile on his face, with Sofia tucked into one arm and gnawing on a tiny stuffed whale. "Hello, Jyn."

She is tiny and dark haired and shares his complexion, and she blinks up at Jyn with his eyes too. His genes definitely dominated that race.

Without any sort of conscious effort on Jyn's part, she returns his smile with one of her own. She's still smiling when she notices the little baby tucked into his arms and it doesn't go away immediately eyes brightening because there's a baby.

Look at her big cheeks and her quizzical expression at this new person in her line of sight, her delicate little fingers clutching the whale, tiny little nose and tiny little mouth and, gosh, a little Rosie the Riveter bandana headband holding back her wisps of dark hair. Jyn's completely enamored with her.

And then it hits her at once.

Cassian is holding a baby that looks like she could be his little clone. Does he have a baby? That's silly, someone would have told her. Right? Someone would have told her if Cassian had a child, that would have been prime information to share. She would have known. Her eyes flicker to his hand, but she isn't sure he would be the type to wear a wedding ring anyway so maybe the lack of one tells her nothing.

She feels suddenly nauseated, but she pushes it down, snapping her mouth shut when she realizes it's open in surprise. She doesn't know what to say to Cassian so she addresses the baby instead, the person that can't say anything to her in return, reaching out to give her whale a little tug before her hand falls. "Did you know that Beluga whales chirp? Like canaries."

Oh no, she still has such a good smile, and it's an instinctive genuine one, at him. She looks even brighter for a second when she looks at his baby, and his stomach sort of rolls over but he's not sure it's in a good way.

Cassian holds his smile, still tired but still a real one, even as he watches her face slowly deflate. It's quiet, not obvious, and he's a little surprised he can still tell after all these years. He doesn't miss the way she looks at his hand either. She didn't know, but it's not a surprise. He certainly hadn't announced it anywhere, and half his friends hadn't even known till he was back.

Sofia shakes her little fist when Jyn rudely tries to steal her toy, and she lets out a trill of a noise. It could be a chirp. Maybe she wants to be a whale. "Did you hear that?" he says to her sweetly, and she tilts her head to look up at him, chewing aggressively on her beluga. "We'll have to let you listen to the sound. Do you want to?"

She answers him with another trill, but then looks back at Jyn because hello new person, you are clearly very interesting. She lets out a short string of sounds that is clearly meant to be a conversation.

Cassian hefts her up a little. "Should I translate for you?" She drools a little in affirmation. "This is Sofia," he says, voice quieter and maybe, definitely, probably weirdly nervous.

He says we and Jyn's heart sinks even though it's been literal years since they last saw each other, much less dated. Jyn was there when he enlisted and when he graduated basic training in his crisp uniform, because as much as she hated his choice she's always loved him and she wanted to support him as a friend. After that the excuses came so easily and university gave her the chance to run away and she took every chance.

"Hello Sofia." Jyn carefully coaxes her fist open with little tickles against her fingers, taking her hand in a formal handshake. When the baby grabs her finger she doesn't even try to tug it back. And because it's Cassian's daughter, fuck that's insane!, she adds, accent far better than it ever was in high school: "Encantada, ballenita."

Her eyes flicker back up to Cassian, still obviously fumbling with even the idea of accepting that Cassian has a baby, a daughter. What the actual fuck. Who the actual fuck. She does not ask, she will not ask, she doesn't want to know.

"No one told me, I would have sent a gift home. There's so many sweet baby toys in Peru." She'd escaped to where she was happy, even if that happiness was when she was three, exploring the mountains with her mother.

He abruptly realizes why her sweatshirt looks so familiar. It's his. He thought he'd lost it ages and ages ago, or maybe his grandma buried it away in a box. But no, there it is, worn and now fitted to Jyn instead of him.

"This is Jyn, mija." A beat. "Though ballenacita might be the better word." He's going to steal it, what the fuck that's the best name for his whale obsessed child. Sofia is so utterly delighted to be holding Jyn's finger that she opens her mouth to laugh, dropping the whale. Her delight morphs into shock, but Cassian grabs it before it drops to the ground and she stuffs it back her mouth eagerly. She squeezes Jyn's finger in victory and gurgles on it.

Peru. He knew she was in Peru, thanks to Leia who always seemed to know everything. "I didn't tell anyone, for a while," he admits. He loves Sofia with his whole heart but there was something very final about sharing it around. A bookend to one part of his life. He likes that it's been a quiet thing.

Jyn's Spanish is so much better over all. He's kind of impressed. He supposes being in Peru for that long would have had some good effect on it. How can it have been years since he's seen her? "I only moved back here a few months ago."

"Bodhi knows," she decides, a gut feeling. "The twins know." Leia knows everything, she makes it her business, and her brother is the same without the prying and subterfuge. She knows, absolutely knows that they all knew, for at least a few months, if not before, and no one so much as thought to text her.

Or worse.

It hurts, if she's honest, she feels like she's been left out on purpose. Was there a group text reminding their original group of friends to specifically not tell Jyn that Cassian had apparently had a perfect, beautiful baby daughter. It's that hurt that sees her drawing her hand back from the baby, wrapping her arms around herself. Has she really been so out of touch? She's not unreachable. Melshi still sends her memes every morning even if he has to do it through email like they're fucking baby boomers -- next they're going to ruin the economy.

She knows she tried to distance herself after she and Cassian blew up, more when Saw died because no one (but Cassian) really understood how much she cared for and loved her foster father. But she didn't think she'd completely cut herself off, she didn't think something as important as a freakin' baby could happen without being told. She supposes she brought this on to herself.

"Congratulations," she manages weakly. "She's very beautiful, good genes from her Papa."

The way Jyn wraps her arms around herself almost feels like something is squeezing his chest too. She just lost her father and now she is completely blindsided by his child and he wishes there was a better way to... ease her into it. He hadn't been sure he wanted her to know, but now he wishes he'd told her himself.

But he's also kind of surprised no one else told her. Cassian hadn't actually told anyone himself - they just found him with a baby when they came calling after hearing he was home, squeezing out bits and pieces of his story and presumably putting it together behind his back. He assumed it would get back to Jyn eventually, at the very least from Bodhi.

"Thank you," he says, just as weakly. He always feels weird accepting any kind of congratulations, because it's not like Sofia was planned. Though she really does take after him so much that it sometimes startles him when he catches sight of them both in the mirror.

"I was not keeping her secret," he adds on, wondering why he feels such a strong need to console her about this. It's not like Jyn had ever tried to contact him either. Sofia babbles something to join the discussion, smacking the whale against Cassian's chest. "I cannot speak for the others."

Casually throws them under the bus, whatever.

Jyn shakes her head, brushing off the assurance that he wasn't keeping his daughter a secret, from her especially. "It's not like I ever called or wrote or did anything besides send Abeulita Christmas cards even though she hates me."

(The cruel part of Jyn's brain sounds like Cassian's grandmother, even if she has always been kind to Jyn and always sent a card in return once she had Jyn's address. She never wanted Abeulita to be disappointed in her and then she broke up with her grandson because he wanted to serve his country to pay for college and Jyn assumed the disappointment without it ever being voiced to her.)

"I'm sorry I turned out to be such a sh-- garbage friend that I didn't even realize you had a girlfriend or boyfriend or both or whatever, much less a child. You're next in line." Way to deflect there, she gestures to the empty counter. Part of her debates whether she should bolt out the door when he moves to orders. She decides that she will have some fucking dignity instead.

"She doesn't hate you." Most of his grandmother's mutterings lately have all been aimed at Sofia's mother, no matter how much Cassian insists the decision for him to take her was mutual. But she doesn't like him doing this alone. He doesn't think she ever hated Jyn, but she's always been suspicious of her grandson's dating choices by protective default, regardless of how good or bad.

He hears the next just as Sofia lets out a shriek for no apparent reason, and he scrambles forward to the register. Never be an ass to customer service! "Don't leave yet, please?"

He knows Jyn. He knows she's probably considering running out now before she even gets her coffee, and for the first time he finds himself wanting to talk about what happened, at least a little bit. But he doesn't have time to ask much else from her yet, grabbing Sofia's hand at the counter to stop her from pulling out a bunch of straws while he places his order. A large black coffee. It hasn't changed in years. He pays and steps off to the side to wait for it, shoulders sinking in relief when he sees her still there.

Jyn's order is more complicated, as always, because she hates the taste of coffee but has learned to live with it. Five sugars, extra light, double mocha syrup, three shots of espresso. She also buys one of their coffee machines and all the accoutrements that go with, giving Cassian a sheepish, awkward smile. "Papa didn't have a coffee maker."

He, like his daughter, had an entire cabinet devoted to tea, however, and three kettles.

Once Jyn has paid and is armed with her bags of stuff, she moves back to Cassian's side, feeling awkward and intrusive.

He watches her with amusement while she buys a coffee machine, briefly wondering what that means for her stay here. Maybe it'll be a while? He doesn't know how that makes him feel, probably because he doesn't really know where he stands with her yet.

"Plenty of tea though, I'm sure." He always drank more tea when he was with Jyn (and Bodhi) than he did with anyone else.

He also stands there awkwardly for a few long moments. At least they have until their drinks are done, but it won't be much longer than that unless he can convince her otherwise. Sofia rescues him, cooing and waving her arm towards Jyn, smacking into the bag and giggling at the crinkling noise it makes. It breaks him out of his stupor. "Would you like to... catch up?" Sofia hits the bag again, saving her father once more from the awkward silences. "I don't know what you had planned today, it's okay if not."

It's an easy out, if she doesn't want to keep seeing him. She just had a funeral, it would make perfect sense if she wasn't up for it. He wants to offer maybe tomorrow too, but he still has no idea what she's up to at all while she's in town. He does't want her to feel pressured into talking with him, when she's clearly unhappy on some level.

"Yes."

She doesn't blurt it out, it's careful and decisive, grabbing up both their drinks and passing Cassian his because old habits die hard or something like that. They were kids when they dated! It was puppy love, a high school romance borne of too many years of friendship and an impossibly small dating pool, it should not be this easy and this difficult at the same time.

Holding the cup out of Sofia's grasp, she tsks, shaking her head at the baby. "Oh no, little bug, you don't need coffee, you probably keep your parents up enough as is." Her eyes flickers back up to Cassian. "Is the farmhouse on the way or..?"

She'd like to drop her stuff off but it's not necessary if he lives on the other side of town. She doesn't know who the neighbors are anymore so he could live in the old Sullivan place or the Antilles' old house and she wouldn't even know. Maybe he lives with Abuelita still, next door to the Organas.

He's so happy she says yes, and says it quickly, that he barely manages to stop the tiny smile from filtering on his face. Okay, cool, maybe they can still at least be friends. He missed her a lot those first few months after they broke up. He still does, because she was always such a good friend to him.

He doesn't even think about the way she grabs his cup nor the way he takes it from her. He holds it at the perfect inaccessible angle to Sofia, a clear sign he does this a lot. "Parent," he corrects idly. She does keep him awake, but fortunately not as much as she used to.

She seems very put out upon Jyn's refusal to share though, huffing a grunt. "I walked here. I am only a few streets away," he gestures over his shoulder, but it's the opposite way of the farmhouse. He lives within walking distance to his grandma too, but he was very adamant about getting his own space, as much as living with her would have been helpful. "It's not too far from the farmhouse. Do you want to get your things home first?"

Jyn squints because that is where his grandmother lives so... she assumes he lives with her still, especially because he corrected her on Sofia's number of parents kept awake by her wails. She doesn't know how to ask whether that is because of being a widower or divorced or never married or what so she simply doesn't.

"If we could, yeah. Or... I could meet you there, so she doesn't have to walk all over town." Not that she is walking, but. Ugh. It's not that Jyn doesn't like babies, she has grown to love babies, but it's not the easiest thing trying to work out how to accommodate the little girl in her mind, she's too new.

It's so odd to recognize her suspicious squint, even if he has no idea which part she's squinting about right now. It could be all of it. There's a lot happening here.

Sofia makes an attempt to launch herself from her father's arms because yolo, but he easily catches her and readjusts his grip while she jerks around. "I was going to take her for a quick walk regardless, but I can give you the address just as well if you'd rather." He doesn't want to, like, impose on her and her house, doesn't want to invite himself over. But then if he gives her the address they have to exchange numbers and that feels like imposition too, and it's good to know he's still an overthinking mess sometimes.

The coffee is always too hot to drink right away, so he takes the long way home, and it's the perfect temperature by the time he gets there.

"Well, if you were going to walk her anyway... uh, take a walk." She's not a fucking dog, Jyn. She nods, thoughtful, and turns to the door, assuming Cassian and Sofia will follow her. They've walked home from the coffee shop together before, it's not a big deal.

Get a grip, Jyn Erso, you were a teenager. You're a fucking adult now.

She waits until they're outside and already walking before she says anything else, deciding on what topic to talk about first. The Break Up™, his daughter, her mysterious father, how Bodhi and Luke are totally married but somehow not married, what they've done with their lives for the span of years between high school and right now. All, none, she has so many options at her disposal. "Abuelita said you'd made captain before you retired, does that mean I can call you Captain Andor now?"

Apparently she's half going with the Break Up™, half not.

The way she stumbles over the phrasing shouldn't be so amusing, but it is. He holds back a laugh, biting on his cheek. Still, he follows her out of the shop and Sofia chirrups in the sunlight.

The quiet that follows as they start to walk doesn't feel as awkward anymore. They're mostly on the same page? They're not trapped inside a building? It's so familiar but not, because he has a baby and there are years between them now.

When she brings up his captaincy, he does let out that laugh, though it's quick and quiet. "She likes to brag about it and then turn around to use when she is cross with me. You could, if you wanted." There's a small pause. "When did she tell you?"

"A few years ago," she admits, shifting the bags between her hands. "In her Christmas card. She sent a picture of the two of you at your promotion ceremony."

And Jyn carried it around, still, inside her well worn backpack that had gone through all four years of high school and taken every research trip with her. It's tucked into a book along with a picture of her parents and one of Saw and his sister who died before Jyn ever met her. There's a picture of their whole group at graduation, as well, so she can just... pretend it's normal.

He climbed five mountains with her, including Aconcagua.

She realizes, belated, that means his grandmother didn't tell her about Sofia either, but maybe that was meant to be in this years Christmas card, she can't be that old... "How old is she?"

He knows his grandmother and Jyn kept exchanging Christmas cards over the years, and it's comforting to know that's how she'd heard rather than a phone call he might have missed. Not that he suspects his abuelita from talking behind his back, but it's reassuring. "She has it framed on her mantle too," he sighs. And there's another in her room. Her house is littered with pictures of Cassian, but pictures of Sofia are popping up more and more too.

He tries not to think about the idea of Jyn having his picture though.

"She will be nine months soon." Which kind of baffles him, because how can it have gone by so fast, but also it feels like no time at all? As if she knows she's being talked about, Sofia lets out another chirping noise that turns into a very extended babble. She has very important baby things to say! "Yes, you, you're getting so big," he replies easily, brightly.

So nineteen months ago, Cassian was having sex with someone, good to know. Gah, why was that the first thing she thought! Why is she still thinking about it, oh god, abort, abort. She takes a sip of her drink to give herself time to craft a response that has zero things to do with his dick but she swallows wrong and chokes on it, coughing enough to make her go pale, which makes the blush creeping up her neck all the more pink.

"I'm fine, 'm fine," she assures him, gesturing dismissively with her drink. "Went down the wrong way."

He's so easy with her, so relaxed into parenting, it melts Jyn's heart a little, but it leaves her a little unsettled too. She'd thought about staying for a few months, heading back to South America at the start of the new year, it's why she bought the coffee maker. But all this reminds her that everyone here has a life, she doesn't really have a place. All by her own doing, of course, but she doesn't know if she can just come home and fit in here anymore.

At least with the coffee maker, she won't have to go out tomorrow.

Concern shoots onto his face immediately when she starts choking, but his hands are full and he has a few seconds of dilemma before she announces she's fine. With a blush crawling up her skin, still easy to see against how pale she's always been. He does a double take, because he can't think of anything he might have done to warrant it.

"Are you sure about that?" He is maybe... teasing, but about the choking. Which is very odd because it's been so long, but that happy sort of easiness that always came from being with Jyn is still there.

It's nice being home with all his old friends, but there's a disconnect born from the time he was away, and from Sofia being...born. Leia has babysat for him before, Bodhi and Luke buy her little toys, but he can hardly go out whenever he feels like it anymore.

Sofia, meanwhile, has not stopped staring at Jyn since she starting coughing, so entranced that she drops her little beluga into the space between her chest and her father's. She gurgles, the sound lilted almost like she's also concerned.

Automatically, Jyn rolls her eyes at him. Normally she would shove him too, but he has his precious cargo. Her stuff can be replaced, his cannot.

Catching Sofia staring in that curious, unblinking gaze babies have, Jyn switches her bag and coffee to one hand so she can boop the baby on the nose, careful to pull her hand back before the girl can latch on and grab her. "I'm fine, Sof, I promise. I won't die from something as lame as choking on coffee. Besides, bad things come in threes, you know, and my papa was number three so I'm perfectly safe."

You know, safe in flawed, superstitious logic, but weirdly Jyn has been clinging to that. She lost all three of her parents, zero family left to lose and that includes herself.

Smart move, because Sofia immediately lunges for Jyn's finger and ends up smacking her hands together in the empty space it just was. She makes a sort of bapaba noise of disappointment, then re-finds her whale to chew once more.

Cassian, however, frowns a little, because even though he recognizes it as a very Jyn-esque joke, it makes him wonder after what she's going to do again. She has Bodhi, but it's not like she's spent a lot of time with him in recent years either.

He wants to ask how she's doing, but that's sometimes a dumb question to ask Jyn even on good days. "How long are you staying in town for?"

"Honestly?" She shrugs, mouth slanting down in an uncertain frown. "I don't know. They offered me sabbatical, I could take it, but I don't know yet. I'm going to stay a little while, at least. Bodhi asked."

Another shrug, she scuffs her toes across the sidewalk, peeking over at Sofia out of the corner of her eye. She's not sure she's really accepted that Cassian has a baby, that Cassian opened up to someone enough to make a baby, but Sofia is so cute and so charming that she can't help being sucked in by her wide, dark eyes and the way she can see the ghost of a dimple that matches one she very familiar with. She looks so much like Cassian, it's... mind-boggling.

"So I guess if you need a babysitter, I'm free."

i have an idea that this is what enduring love really means.

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