Automatic, the sight of Cassian playing with their daughter tugs a smile on to her mouth, but it doesn't last very long, even if her expression stays less sharp after his apology.
"You don't need to apologize. It's not like-- It was before, it's irrelevant, I was just startled. I shouldn't have snapped at you." As much as an apology as Jyn ever does, she sounds apologetic enough to convey the sentiment without the words.
He looks over his shoulder at her warily, the pseudo apology ringing in his ears. Her quiet question is a loaded one he doesn't have an answer to. At least not one he feels like he can share.
"I want this one to get out of the bath." And he scoops his hands under Rey's arms to lift her from the tub. She shrieks with surprise, but doesn't seem bothered to be out of the water and in her papa's hold instead.
Whatever hope that had quietly flared to life is snuffed out immediately and Jyn feels stupid for asking in the first place. What else was she expecting? She knows this is only for show, it's a farce and a job and the only thing between them is the solidarity of being stuck in the same position, a sort of workplace friendship.
Jyn smiles at Rey's cheerful noises, passing over the towel as she pushes to her feet. "If you've got her, I'm going to take a break. Her pajamas are on the dresser with her tooka."
It's dinner time, not sleep time, but Jyn just wants to hide under the safety of the covers for a little while. At least as long as it takes for Cassian to decide she has to eat and beckons her back into the living room. She drops a kiss on Rey's head before slipping out of the bathroom.
He doesn't notice the way Jyn deflates, too consumed with trying to ignore his own feelings by drowning in Rey's existence. Her turn of phrase makes him frown though, because it seems like a backslide. Take a break. Switching off all over again. But he nods anyway, resisting the urge to kiss Jyn's forehead when she kisses Rey's.
Cassian busies himself with drying off Rey, turning it into a game while he gets her in her pajamas and talks nonsense at her. She eagerly starts to gnaw on the tooka when he offers it, and in a few minutes after dumping the tub water and cleaning up most of the mess, Cassian hoists Rey at his hip and finally leaves the bathroom too.
Jyn's a lump under the blankets when he steps out, and against the temptation otherwise, he lets her stay there while he scoops up the bag of food and takes both it and daughter into the kitchen to putter around. He pulls out plates and forks and starts to boil up some water for a bottle, Rey kicking her legs idly as she watches all the motions.
Jyn doesn't actually linger very long, enough to gather herself, before she comes back into the apartment proper (she'd changed her shirt and it's Cassian's but that's irrelevant). She has one of their thinner blankets around her shoulders like a cape and she tiptoes over to Cassian and Rey, draping the blanket over the three of them like a tent, right in the middle of what Cassian is doing, all so she can pepper kisses over Rey's face to her utter, giggly delight.
From under the blankets she's still holding up, she looks up at Cassian, frown turning her mouth down.
"I... am sorry. For being..." Snippy, snappy, herself. "I wasn't expecting to run into your past like that. Especially since your past is so kriffing gorgeous, like. How is that a real person, honestly. People don't look like that."
He hears her coming, but his hands are full and he's maybe still a little down, so he doesn't look at her and the blanket over all their heads is a surprise. He shifts to find her face immediately, going fond over the way she drowns Rey in affection.
But when Jyn looks up at him, he can't help but meet her gaze. His own frown comes back too.
"It's not like I was expecting it either. It's okay." She's wearing his shirt and he's trying to pretend it's nothing, like always. "We were never serious. I was never going to -" He has no reason to ask, because his past is irrelevant to them now and the mission, but the blanket draped over their heads almost makes everything feel real. He doesn't know why he's nervous, but Rey chattering between them is soothing, and he looks down at her instead of Jyn. "Did you really think I would go to her like that?"
Rey is a good distraction, but she can't seem to look away from Cassian just yet, studying him carefully. As always she can't really get a read on him which is frustrating. Is he just cross because she was obnoxious in front of his old friend who he casually fucked...
Stop it, Jyn Erso. Answer him.
"I didn't know. I hoped you wouldn't, but." Her shoulders lift in a shrug, turning her attention back to Rey because there's a reason she doesn't like to talk -- this is all incredibly uncomfortable and any time she ever opens up, she's just reminded that it's pointless and all that comes from it is pain.
His shoulders sink a little and his frown deepens, but he can't blame her. He looks less cross now and more defeated. Rey throws her arms up in the air, smacking Jyn in the chin and Cassian in the chest.
Should he apologize again?? It feels like way more than just a situational thing. Figuring out where to take it is hard, and he doesn't know why it bothers him so much that she would even entertain the idea. They're not even really married. Jyn is being fairly logical about the whole thing all things considered, save the moment when she'd snapped. She was bothered before but also dismissive and he can't tell which part is the real one.
His voice is quieter when he finally speaks up again. "I would not have. I promise."
Jyn rubs her chin idly, reaching out to take Rey's hand to kiss her little palm, smiling as the baby's fingers curl around her thumb. After a moment, she lets the arm still holding the blanket drop and it slips off them both, puddling at their feet.
"Why not?"
That's what is prickling at her. Taia was sweet and charmed by their daughter and so inhumanely and insanely attractive, Jyn doesn't understand why Cassian wouldn't want to take advantage of that opportunity. Heck, Jyn kind of wants to. Okay, wait, is she attracted to Taia? That's weird. Back to the point.
Oh. He misses the blanket as soon as it's gone, feeling like the world is back to intruding on them, reminding him of the galaxy at large and his place in it.
But Jyn kisses Rey's hand and he smiles, softly. This is why.
"Because this is where I am now." He ducks his head down to kiss Rey's head and she lets out a coo from the double parental affection. "I don't have a reason to see Taia again. I'd rather be here."
There. That's true. Rey shrieks, jerking around in Cassian's arms. The smooches are definitely acceptable, but she starts to fuss a little again too. The Hunger approaches.
He says it all to Rey, kissing her hair, and Jyn can't blame him. Rey is perfect and wonderful and the only good thing Jyn has ever done, ever. She'd rather be here, too, but... somewhere along the line her reasons for wanting to stay turned from Rey to Rey and Cassian and she knows it's just Rey for Cassian. It's obviously just Rey for Cassian.
The shriek makes her wince, but she's grateful for the shrill noise, detaching herself to stoop down and gather up the blanket. She wills her expression to neutrality, if a little pained.
"I'm glad." Rey deserves her Papa. Leaning in, she gives Rey a kiss on the nose before straightening up again. "I thought the tea would have helped my headache from her wailing earlier, but it hasn't so I'm going to head to bed. Maybe the dark will help." She shrugs, as if implying she doesn't think it will, but it's not her head that hurts in the first place. "Have her kiss me good night later, yeah? Save me some dinner for tomorrow."
Jyn is included in that, but he probably should have realized she wouldn't notice if he didn't say so outright. Rey's fussing is sufficiently distracting, and he bounces her a little.
"Are you sure? The food may help too." She still looks upset, and he's still kind of upset, and Rey is starting to whine now, so apparently the whole house is just unhappy.
But without the blanket to keep them close, Cassian slips towards the boiling water, taking the bottle out now that it's been warmed up. Rey reaches for it, nearly smacking it out of his hands in her haste. "Patience, you."
He looks back at Jyn, concerned etched on his face. "It's not just Rey I want to be here for, you know. Take something, if your headache does not leave."
"Yeah, of course." Sure. That vague agreement is most definitely only about taking care of herself and not Cassian tacking on a platitude because she obviously can't keep her upset to herself.
"I'll be right in there if you need me."
But he won't because everything he needs and wants is settled in his arms. Jyn brushes her hand over Rey's downy soft hair for a moment before she moves back to the bedroom, slipping inside and leaving the door open behind her. Just in case. Time to crawl into bed and regret 99% of her life until she passes out.
He feels like he's done something wrong all over again, but he can't go talk to her about it because 1) talking is difficult and 2) Rey is about to start crying if she doesn't get her goddamn bottle. Cassian pops it in her mouth and she drinks it up greedily. They've managed to stop her eating so much, but when he tries to take it away tonight, she starts crying. He gives her a little more, but she keeps crying every time he tries to stop. Not wanting her to overeat, he just deals with it, rocking her around the kitchen and tempting her with her tooka as well as hoisting her up in the air to get a laugh out of her.
Her crying calms, but the rest of the night doesn't fair much better. She fusses and demands his attention while he tries to eat, whining loudly every time he puts her down, and flailing her arms at his hands every time he picks up the fork.
As her bed time approaches, she just enters a steady stream of hiccups and sobs and wails that fluctuate in volume. Nothing he says or does seems to settle her, from laying with her on his chest to allowing her a little more food. An hour past her usual bed time passes, and she's still up.
He starts to pace with her, swaying Rey in his arms and humming under his breath. "It's bed time now, little star. You need to sleep."
Rey just keeps sobbing into his shoulder, and Cassian's humming turns into singing. It's an old lullaby he thought he forget, half in basic and half in Fest, but the longer it goes on, the quieter Rey gets.
Jyn knows she should go to their daughter, help Cassian soothe her tears, be a good mother and partner, but she is neither of those and she stays hiding in their bedroom, going so far as to getting water out of their bathroom sink so she doesn't have to go out and see them both.
But then he's singing and it's... it's not a shock, but she's not expecting it either and the newness of it makes her move to the door, peaking around the edge of the frame to watch him walking Rey around. She looks so unhappy and it breaks Jyn's heart, but.
The song finishes, and those few moments of quiet have Rey letting out a few more wails. "Rey, Rey, Rey, hush now, you must be so tired." He whispers into her ear, kisses her head, then starts singing again.
It settles her, just not enough to sleep. He paces tiredly with his daughter, rubbing her back and singing softly in Fest. He catches a glimpse of Jyn watching them from the doorway and feels caught; his ears go red, but he doesn't dare stop when it's the only thing keeping Rey's sobbing to a lower murmur. She hiccups against his chest, fussing and incredibly unhappy and Cassian is at an utter loss. His heart hurts, because it seems like he can't do anything right tonight with the two people most important to him.
Eventually Jyn can't take it anymore and tiptoes over, carefully brushing the back of her finger against Rey's cheek. She doesn't say anything, doesn't interrupt Cassian's soft lullaby, but she gestures back toward their room, gestures for him to follow her as she heads back.
Whatever she feels, whatever Cassian doesn't feel, it can't affect Rey and it is, Jyn is letting it because she's selfish and terrible and doesn't deserve the little girl tucked in Cassian's arms.
Maybe that's why she doesn't look back to even see if he's following her because she doesn't want to watch him not.
Something in him relaxes the tiniest bit when Jyn comes over, and Rey jerks her head towards her mother when she feels her touch. It doesn't even occur to him to not follow her into the bedroom, so relieved to do so and be in her company himself.
Cassian carries Rey in singing and she wriggles around in his arms, recognizing the change in room and looking for her mama, who was here two seconds ago! She grumbles and fusses and whines in her search.
He doesn't even think about trying to lay her down yet, just starts rocking her around in the dimmer lights. "She is looking for you," he whispers out before he starts a third lullaby.
Jyn doesn't really want to be near Cassian, feeling sad and stupid that she keeps feeling sad that this man she has zero right to doesn't like her in the weird, awkward way she likes him. But she can't keep hurting Rey just because she is hurting so she steps over, still silent, not interrupting Cassian.
The smile she offers Rey is weak, tickling her fingers under her daughter's chin, letting her reach out and grab them even though it keeps her tethered there in front of Cassian.
Rey eagerly lifts her head when she sees Jyn, letting out a tiny, needy whine while she wraps her tiny fingers around her mother's.
Cassian, however, does his best to avoid brushing against her, because as relieved as he is to have her so close, he can see in her body language that she doesn't want to be beside him like this. It doesn't stop him from singing though, and Jyn's presence finally lets him stop pacing as Rey draws comfort from the both of them instead of the movement.
"She's right here, Rey," he whispers, kissing her head. "She will always be here for you."
Rey's grip tightens around Jyn's fingers, tugging her mama closer and seemingly trying to curl up with her hand against Cassian's chest. He keeps singing, much softer now, because even though the baby is still whimpering, she's much quieter and calmer.
Jyn doesn't fight Rey pulling her in. If that is what she needs to sleep, that is what she will get, even if it pulls Jyn up closer, hand pressed against the warmth of Cassian's chest.
She's still watching Rey, ignoring Cassian, when she finally speaks, quiet. The discomfort drips from the words but maybe if Cassian knows he will... understand why she is so uncomfortable.
"I was jealous." It's only Rey holding her to stops her from running away.
Cassian can feel himself relaxing a little in tune with his daughter, grateful something is working well enough to soothe her. Jyn's hand is cold like always, but he feels warm where she touches him anyway against the fleeting thought of wanting to be this close to both of them all the time.
He looks at Jyn, surprise clearly etched on his face. It... explains a lot and fits in with the rest of her behavior, but it doesn't make it any less bizarre to him. "You were -"
Oops, the sudden stop to the singing gets Rey grumbling, so he hums a little bit and leaves the admission hanging for a very stretched out couple of seconds. "There is nothing to be jealous of," he murmurs between notes. "I thought I -"
Oops again, Rey hiccups and Cassian slips back into the song.
Jyn was foisted upon him. A job, a partner, a coworker. It was never a choice for either of them, they'd simply made do with what they were given and tried to make the best of it. Somewhere in all that, after Rey was born, something changed and Jyn realized she would choose him.
And she was impossibly jealous of Taia, who Cassian had chosen, no matter how long ago.
She shushes Rey softly, smoothing her hair back with her free hand. "Go to sleep, you stubborn bear."
If he could just maybe even entertain the idea that Jyn might like him that way, this would be far easier. But it doesn't occur to him, because he blames himself for a lot about their situation and can't imagine being lucky enough to have more.
Rey coos, which is a much better sound than the constant fussing for the day. Her eyes shut like she wants to sleep, even if she keeps making tiny grumpy noises. Cassian keeps hum-singing, both to keep her comforted and to give himself more time to think.
"I would choose this now," he says, just as quietly. "You and Rey both."
Anyway she'd have him, because he still can't consider her wanting anything more than a partnership even though she literally just said she was jealous of a woman he used to sleep with.
He lets out his own secret of the evening. "I thought I'd done something wrong."
Her mouth twitches like she knows she should be happy with him choosing her and Rey,but it's the way he clarifies that he would chose the both of them... he'd already said as much before. They'd still be a family, still parenting Rey, when this was all over.
But that isn't choosing her.
"It's not you," she assures him with a tone like she's saying it's obviously her, but don't worry she'll get over it and go back to normal soon. Once she rips her feelings out by the root and burns them. Because what is the point of existing with this state of stupid pining when she could feel nothing instead.
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ohnofeelstho2017-05-14 03:23 pm
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"You don't need to apologize. It's not like-- It was before, it's irrelevant, I was just startled. I shouldn't have snapped at you." As much as an apology as Jyn ever does, she sounds apologetic enough to convey the sentiment without the words.
Quietly, she adds: "What do you want?"
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"I want this one to get out of the bath." And he scoops his hands under Rey's arms to lift her from the tub. She shrieks with surprise, but doesn't seem bothered to be out of the water and in her papa's hold instead.
Avoidance strikes again, ayyy.
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Whatever hope that had quietly flared to life is snuffed out immediately and Jyn feels stupid for asking in the first place. What else was she expecting? She knows this is only for show, it's a farce and a job and the only thing between them is the solidarity of being stuck in the same position, a sort of workplace friendship.
Jyn smiles at Rey's cheerful noises, passing over the towel as she pushes to her feet. "If you've got her, I'm going to take a break. Her pajamas are on the dresser with her tooka."
It's dinner time, not sleep time, but Jyn just wants to hide under the safety of the covers for a little while. At least as long as it takes for Cassian to decide she has to eat and beckons her back into the living room. She drops a kiss on Rey's head before slipping out of the bathroom.
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Cassian busies himself with drying off Rey, turning it into a game while he gets her in her pajamas and talks nonsense at her. She eagerly starts to gnaw on the tooka when he offers it, and in a few minutes after dumping the tub water and cleaning up most of the mess, Cassian hoists Rey at his hip and finally leaves the bathroom too.
Jyn's a lump under the blankets when he steps out, and against the temptation otherwise, he lets her stay there while he scoops up the bag of food and takes both it and daughter into the kitchen to putter around. He pulls out plates and forks and starts to boil up some water for a bottle, Rey kicking her legs idly as she watches all the motions.
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From under the blankets she's still holding up, she looks up at Cassian, frown turning her mouth down.
"I... am sorry. For being..." Snippy, snappy, herself. "I wasn't expecting to run into your past like that. Especially since your past is so kriffing gorgeous, like. How is that a real person, honestly. People don't look like that."
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But when Jyn looks up at him, he can't help but meet her gaze. His own frown comes back too.
"It's not like I was expecting it either. It's okay." She's wearing his shirt and he's trying to pretend it's nothing, like always. "We were never serious. I was never going to -" He has no reason to ask, because his past is irrelevant to them now and the mission, but the blanket draped over their heads almost makes everything feel real. He doesn't know why he's nervous, but Rey chattering between them is soothing, and he looks down at her instead of Jyn. "Did you really think I would go to her like that?"
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Stop it, Jyn Erso. Answer him.
"I didn't know. I hoped you wouldn't, but." Her shoulders lift in a shrug, turning her attention back to Rey because there's a reason she doesn't like to talk -- this is all incredibly uncomfortable and any time she ever opens up, she's just reminded that it's pointless and all that comes from it is pain.
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Should he apologize again?? It feels like way more than just a situational thing. Figuring out where to take it is hard, and he doesn't know why it bothers him so much that she would even entertain the idea. They're not even really married. Jyn is being fairly logical about the whole thing all things considered, save the moment when she'd snapped. She was bothered before but also dismissive and he can't tell which part is the real one.
His voice is quieter when he finally speaks up again. "I would not have. I promise."
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"Why not?"
That's what is prickling at her. Taia was sweet and charmed by their daughter and so inhumanely and insanely attractive, Jyn doesn't understand why Cassian wouldn't want to take advantage of that opportunity. Heck, Jyn kind of wants to. Okay, wait, is she attracted to Taia? That's weird. Back to the point.
"I'm glad you didn't and won't, but... why?"
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But Jyn kisses Rey's hand and he smiles, softly. This is why.
"Because this is where I am now." He ducks his head down to kiss Rey's head and she lets out a coo from the double parental affection. "I don't have a reason to see Taia again. I'd rather be here."
There. That's true. Rey shrieks, jerking around in Cassian's arms. The smooches are definitely acceptable, but she starts to fuss a little again too. The Hunger approaches.
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The shriek makes her wince, but she's grateful for the shrill noise, detaching herself to stoop down and gather up the blanket. She wills her expression to neutrality, if a little pained.
"I'm glad." Rey deserves her Papa. Leaning in, she gives Rey a kiss on the nose before straightening up again. "I thought the tea would have helped my headache from her wailing earlier, but it hasn't so I'm going to head to bed. Maybe the dark will help." She shrugs, as if implying she doesn't think it will, but it's not her head that hurts in the first place. "Have her kiss me good night later, yeah? Save me some dinner for tomorrow."
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"Are you sure? The food may help too." She still looks upset, and he's still kind of upset, and Rey is starting to whine now, so apparently the whole house is just unhappy.
But without the blanket to keep them close, Cassian slips towards the boiling water, taking the bottle out now that it's been warmed up. Rey reaches for it, nearly smacking it out of his hands in her haste. "Patience, you."
He looks back at Jyn, concerned etched on his face. "It's not just Rey I want to be here for, you know. Take something, if your headache does not leave."
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"I'll be right in there if you need me."
But he won't because everything he needs and wants is settled in his arms. Jyn brushes her hand over Rey's downy soft hair for a moment before she moves back to the bedroom, slipping inside and leaving the door open behind her. Just in case. Time to crawl into bed and regret 99% of her life until she passes out.
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Her crying calms, but the rest of the night doesn't fair much better. She fusses and demands his attention while he tries to eat, whining loudly every time he puts her down, and flailing her arms at his hands every time he picks up the fork.
As her bed time approaches, she just enters a steady stream of hiccups and sobs and wails that fluctuate in volume. Nothing he says or does seems to settle her, from laying with her on his chest to allowing her a little more food. An hour past her usual bed time passes, and she's still up.
He starts to pace with her, swaying Rey in his arms and humming under his breath. "It's bed time now, little star. You need to sleep."
Rey just keeps sobbing into his shoulder, and Cassian's humming turns into singing. It's an old lullaby he thought he forget, half in basic and half in Fest, but the longer it goes on, the quieter Rey gets.
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But then he's singing and it's... it's not a shock, but she's not expecting it either and the newness of it makes her move to the door, peaking around the edge of the frame to watch him walking Rey around. She looks so unhappy and it breaks Jyn's heart, but.
She's with her Papa, she'll be fine.
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It settles her, just not enough to sleep. He paces tiredly with his daughter, rubbing her back and singing softly in Fest. He catches a glimpse of Jyn watching them from the doorway and feels caught; his ears go red, but he doesn't dare stop when it's the only thing keeping Rey's sobbing to a lower murmur. She hiccups against his chest, fussing and incredibly unhappy and Cassian is at an utter loss. His heart hurts, because it seems like he can't do anything right tonight with the two people most important to him.
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Whatever she feels, whatever Cassian doesn't feel, it can't affect Rey and it is, Jyn is letting it because she's selfish and terrible and doesn't deserve the little girl tucked in Cassian's arms.
Maybe that's why she doesn't look back to even see if he's following her because she doesn't want to watch him not.
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Cassian carries Rey in singing and she wriggles around in his arms, recognizing the change in room and looking for her mama, who was here two seconds ago! She grumbles and fusses and whines in her search.
He doesn't even think about trying to lay her down yet, just starts rocking her around in the dimmer lights. "She is looking for you," he whispers out before he starts a third lullaby.
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The smile she offers Rey is weak, tickling her fingers under her daughter's chin, letting her reach out and grab them even though it keeps her tethered there in front of Cassian.
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Cassian, however, does his best to avoid brushing against her, because as relieved as he is to have her so close, he can see in her body language that she doesn't want to be beside him like this. It doesn't stop him from singing though, and Jyn's presence finally lets him stop pacing as Rey draws comfort from the both of them instead of the movement.
"She's right here, Rey," he whispers, kissing her head. "She will always be here for you."
Rey's grip tightens around Jyn's fingers, tugging her mama closer and seemingly trying to curl up with her hand against Cassian's chest. He keeps singing, much softer now, because even though the baby is still whimpering, she's much quieter and calmer.
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She's still watching Rey, ignoring Cassian, when she finally speaks, quiet. The discomfort drips from the words but maybe if Cassian knows he will... understand why she is so uncomfortable.
"I was jealous." It's only Rey holding her to stops her from running away.
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He looks at Jyn, surprise clearly etched on his face. It... explains a lot and fits in with the rest of her behavior, but it doesn't make it any less bizarre to him. "You were -"
Oops, the sudden stop to the singing gets Rey grumbling, so he hums a little bit and leaves the admission hanging for a very stretched out couple of seconds. "There is nothing to be jealous of," he murmurs between notes. "I thought I -"
Oops again, Rey hiccups and Cassian slips back into the song.
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Jyn was foisted upon him. A job, a partner, a coworker. It was never a choice for either of them, they'd simply made do with what they were given and tried to make the best of it. Somewhere in all that, after Rey was born, something changed and Jyn realized she would choose him.
And she was impossibly jealous of Taia, who Cassian had chosen, no matter how long ago.
She shushes Rey softly, smoothing her hair back with her free hand. "Go to sleep, you stubborn bear."
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Rey coos, which is a much better sound than the constant fussing for the day. Her eyes shut like she wants to sleep, even if she keeps making tiny grumpy noises. Cassian keeps hum-singing, both to keep her comforted and to give himself more time to think.
"I would choose this now," he says, just as quietly. "You and Rey both."
Anyway she'd have him, because he still can't consider her wanting anything more than a partnership even though she literally just said she was jealous of a woman he used to sleep with.
He lets out his own secret of the evening. "I thought I'd done something wrong."
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But that isn't choosing her.
"It's not you," she assures him with a tone like she's saying it's obviously her, but don't worry she'll get over it and go back to normal soon. Once she rips her feelings out by the root and burns them. Because what is the point of existing with this state of stupid pining when she could feel nothing instead.
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