Cassian does not sleep. He dozes, but it's not really anything deeply restful. He keeps expecting Jyn to come crawl in bed. When she doesn't, it feels like something has changed.
Rey doesn't quite start to wail again, but she wakes up sometime in the night and starts to whine. Cassian catches it quickly enough to offset any loud crying, shifting the baby in his arms and letting her know he's there. He starts to hum a little, but she sniffles into his chest.
"Are you hungry? Should we get you some food soon, starshine?" Only after does he notice he used Jyn's nickname, not his. Rey looks up and him and fusses. He sings to her again, one of the lullabies from earlier and she clutches her tiny hands into his shirt. She's probably hungry, but deep down Cassian knows that's not the only reason she's unhappy.
"Your mama loves you, Rey. She just needs a little time, okay? I think I have done something to upset her, but we love you no matter what happens. And I love you so very much."
Cassian's words to their daughter only serve to make Jyn feel worse about herself because she is supposed to be there for her daughter and she's not. He doesn't even know what he's done, because he thinks he's done something at all. A lack of feelings isn't a crime.
She wouldn't like her either.
She can't linger by the door anymore so she pushes it open, striding in purposefully. She ignores the way she no doubt looks like she was crying, face drawn and pale as she sits down by his knees, holding her hands out for her daughter. "Keep talking, I don't want her fussing while I feed her, she'll only make herself sick."
He looks up surprised when she comes in, swallowing when he sees she's been crying. He wants to talk to her and ask her to talk to him and make it better. Especially because she tells him to keep talking, which makes him nervously wonder how much she heard him say to their daughter already.
But Rey has heard her mother's voice, and she bleats for her, leaving Cassian no choice but to slowly pull her from his chest and pass her over gently to Jyn. Weakly, "I was going to get her bottle."
He made Jyn come back when she clearly doesn't want to be here. But he listens, sitting up a little more so Rey can see him. She's already calmer though, knowing the both of them are there. He leans down to kiss her forehead. "Hush now, Rey, your belly is going to be full soon."
"It's fine," she murmurs dismissively, settle Rey against her chest and tugging and shifting her shirt to get it out of the way. Rey latches on immediately and hungrily, a little too aggressively, making Jyn wince. This is karma. "Gentle, Rey, gentle."
As if listening, Rey does calm down her eager nursing, though Jyn knows it's just the baby realizing that food is obviously already in her mouth.
Quietly, she ventures, "I told you you didn't do anything wrong."
Oh no. She did hear him. He swallows again. Her words hang in the air for a long few seconds, but Rey grumbles and it urges him to speak. It's probably not even a completely unhappy sound, Cassian's just too used to leaping at the slightest whine tonight.
"Maybe not today," he tries, because silence isn't going to solve anything. He keeps his voice at a pitch that should soothe Rey while still trying to sound honest. "But it has been a very long few years."
From one prison to another. He knows Jyn would never regret Rey, but maybe she's ready to be out, to take their baby and leave this planet behind.
"Do you want me to be upset with every slight since we started this?" It has been a long few years and she's hated a lot of it, but she has since gotten over it, she thought they settled that during the last fight but now she's not sure.
But maybe Cassian isn't even talking about her anymore. It's been a long few years for him as well and he had a life outside this; his choice wasn't prison or espionage, it was a real life with friends and companions and a job that didn't drive him to madness, although was admittedly already espionage.
"I told you why I'm upset and I told you it's not your fault, I just need... to get over it." She huffs a sigh, looking down at their daughter because there is no way she is looking at Cassian, fidgeting in discomfort. "It'll be fine."
He shakes his head immediately. There was a lot of fighting in the early months. Snapping and snipping and frustrations that eventually lead to the baby between them, but it's not that he thinks her holding petty grudges.
She can think of him with a life outside this, but the reality wasn't much. His only real friend was a droid, one he only sees on occasion now to both of their dismays. He doesn't know how to do interpersonal relationships.
Cassian brushes his hand over Rey's hair and she half coos. "The galaxy is big. You're stuck here." With him, terrible him. He follows her gaze down to Rey, it's definitely easier. "I don't know how to have a family. I don't want you to feel trapped."
Because that is clearly what she meant by talking about choices. "It's not going to be fine, if you move to the couch."
He doesn't know how to have a family but he clearly loves Rey so it's her. She's the problem. She's stuck here, with him, and he'd prefer she be elsewhere in this big galaxy. It won't be fine if she moves to the couch because it's too close. It all makes sense to her now. She'd been naive not to notice it earlier. Jyn's stupid outburst reminding him that he'd chosen Taia had just broken the dam.
He finally looks up at her face and doesn't like what he sees. She seems like she's closing herself up all over again. He keeps saying the wrong things over and over and he doesn't know how to fix it. Their wires keep getting crossed. He just wants her to stay, or be able to leave with her, but it's selfish of him.
"Do you? I don't even know if I do." He's trying, ok! Cassian has always avoided analyzing his own feelings. It made the job easier. But Jyn isn't just the job anymore. "I don't want to keep hurting you."
"I told you already, it isn't you, you're not hurting me. It's not your fault for not feeling the same way." It's Jyn's fault for not knowing how to deal with that, her fault for saying anything in the first place. She feels like such a Hutt's ass, thoroughly embarrassed that her emotional outburst has caused all this stupid difficulty.
It's kind of irritating that she feels bad that Cassian feels bad. It would be so much easier if she didn't like him enough to try to reassure him that he hasn't actually done anything wrong.
Rey's little fist flails out to punch Jyn but it's so small and light it doesn't actually hurt and a tiny smile sprouts, looking down at the greedy baby.
He frowns. They are definitely having two different conversations, he's sure of it now. He's distracted for a moment by Rey and the way Jyn smiles, the way it makes his stomach roll over. Seeing Jyn smile is one of his favorite things, though he's not sure when that happened.
"You can't say I don't feel the same when I don't how you are feeling right now." Other than upset, obviously. But he is assuming it's just related to regular emotions.
He glances at Rey softly. "She's always so hungry."
"You've made it quite clear that any attraction is one sided, Cassian." There is a snap to her tone that makes Rey's eyes flutter open to look up at her mother, but she's getting frustrated that they have to keep talking about this. She feels like they're going around in circles and the circles are surrounding her apparently never ending humiliation.
With some discomfort, she pries Rey away from her breast, lifting her to settle the baby against her shoulder to burp her, murmuring softly so she won't starting fussing. "You'll go back to the other one, don't worry."
He flinches and his mouth opens at the same time. Attraction. She used the word attraction, and obviously there had to be some level of appeal between them or Rey wouldn't be here, but she is making it sound like a much bigger deal than that.
And it's not one-sided. He's thought far too many times about how beautiful Jyn is to him, several times alone today. If anything, he thought it was one sided on his end.
"I have never made anything of the sort clear, Jyn. I could not have, when I didn't even know -"
Rey lets out a very loud belch and whines loudly about it immediately after. How dare her body make so much noise.
"Shh, starshine, shh. I know you're unhappy, wait just a moment." Hefting the baby up, Jyn kisses her grumpy face before settling her to feed from the other side. Even after having already fed, Rey acts ravenous.
Jyn decides she still doesn't want to look at Cassian, drawing a fingertip across the babies rosy cheek.
She'd asked him what he wanted though and he'd sidestepped the question for Rey, she asked him why he didn't want Taia and his answer was Rey. She'd told him he was jealous and he said he would choose their family, but not... her. Not like that. "It doesn't matter, it's fine."
Rey eats so much more than one would think possible for a baby of her size. She is a glutton.
He's still stuck on the fact that she basically said she was attracted to him, and he can't figure out how to deal with it. He hadn't answered her before because... he didn't know how? He was scared? There are a lot of reasons, probably, but none of them are because he doesn't like her.
He does like her. The extent to which, however, is a very confusing mess and figuring it out is causing a strain on the house.
"The more you say it's fine, the harder it is to believe. It does matter."
"It doesn't matter though, does it?" Why would it matter? Even now he still can't say that he has any attraction to her. He can't fix the terrible ache in her heart because she was dumb enough to let herself have an emotion.
But anything else he wants to say it silenced when she asks him to stop.
Despite the words, he still kind of hesitates. They're both exhausted. They need to rest. Maybe he can try talking to her again tomorrow, give himself more time to figure out why his chest is like a hurricane. "Whatever you want, Jyn."
Her mouth turns down in a deeper frown, unhappiness rolling off her like in waves. Rey grunts with similar unhappiness, blinking up at her parents while she nurses, and Jyn knows she can't do anything to fix this strange rift between her and Cassian. She shouldn't have said anything in the first place.
"Thank you." Whatever else she's feeling, she does appreciate that he isn't forcing her to keep talking.
Still not fixed. It's not going to be fixed tonight. It probably never was. Cassian lets the quiet fill the room, the only sounds coming from Rey as he and Jyn sit in that unhappy stillness. He would give Jyn anything she wanted, he thinks, not just this lack of conversation now.
He brushes his hand over Rey's head, and for lack of anything else to do, to get rid of the overbearing silence, he starts to hum softly again. Maybe the sound will lull Rey back into sleep.
Jyn can feel Rey's hunger slackening, eventually the combination of being full and Cassian's soft humming puts her to sleep and Jyn gently pulls her away, wiping a dribble of milk from her cheek. A couple rubs of her back produces an acceptable burp, but Rey remains floppy in sleep and Jyn slowly gets up to place her gently in the crib.
Once Rey is down she turns back to Cassian. "I'm going to take a walk, if that's alright."
He's grateful Rey doesn't wake up again immediately, and he can't break his gaze away from Jyn as she settles their daughter into her crib, finally. He waits on edge, like the baby is about to start crying, but what he gets instead is Jyn's voice.
Cassian blinks in the dim light, confusion and concern etched on his face. "At this time?"
"It's not like anyone is going to stop me." She doesn't even have forged paperwork, she is Jyn Erso, daughter of Galen and Lyra Erso, her identity is actually her own.
She belongs on Coruscant. At least that's what she's been told time and time again by the people of Coruscant, a sentiment that makes her stomach curdle every time she hears it. She doesn't want to belong on Coruscant, she wants to belong anywhere else than this bustling metropolitan stronghold for the Empire.
Jyn can take care of herself, and he isn't terribly worried about the Empire suddenly getting suspicious of her existence here. But the timing still leaves him feeling weird.
"Will you take your comm?"
He doesn't really think anything is going to happen at all; he believes she just needs to get some air and get out of the house, but Coruscant is still central to Imperial control. It's night. Please take the comm, Jyn, because he's not going to try and stop her from going.
Something in Jyn's expression softens. Even if he doesn't feel the same way about her in any romantic sense, Cassian has always been such a good partner and she is still grateful that he is Rey's father.
"Of course I will." She almost tells him not to sleep on the couch because she has a feeling, but she doesn't like the majority of her feelings at the moment so she says nothing else. She leans over to kiss Rey's forehead, before pushing off the crib and moving to leave.
She scoops one of the comms off the dresser as she goes and slips out the door.
Only later does he notice that she took his comm, when he reaches for the remaining one to see if she's texted anything. Later, because the night goes on and Jyn doesn't come home.
Cassian doesn't really sleep. He dozes, trying to listen for the door opening. Rey wakes up three or four times in the night, sometimes just wanting to be held, sometimes wanting more food, and the fourth time he almost texts Jyn that Rey is at it again when the baby abruptly passes out in his arms. The only reason he doesn't go to the couch is because he doesn't want to leave Rey alone, but the thought is there.
Jyn comes home at dawn, but she doesn't come to bed. Cassian's stomach churns over and he already knows something has shifted. She comes to get Rey when it's time for him to go to work, and his goodbye feels too similar to the earlier days. Rey seems to think so too, and he tries not to flinch listening to her wailing as he leaves.
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ohnofeelstho2017-05-14 03:23 pm
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Rey doesn't quite start to wail again, but she wakes up sometime in the night and starts to whine. Cassian catches it quickly enough to offset any loud crying, shifting the baby in his arms and letting her know he's there. He starts to hum a little, but she sniffles into his chest.
"Are you hungry? Should we get you some food soon, starshine?" Only after does he notice he used Jyn's nickname, not his. Rey looks up and him and fusses. He sings to her again, one of the lullabies from earlier and she clutches her tiny hands into his shirt. She's probably hungry, but deep down Cassian knows that's not the only reason she's unhappy.
"Your mama loves you, Rey. She just needs a little time, okay? I think I have done something to upset her, but we love you no matter what happens. And I love you so very much."
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She wouldn't like her either.
She can't linger by the door anymore so she pushes it open, striding in purposefully. She ignores the way she no doubt looks like she was crying, face drawn and pale as she sits down by his knees, holding her hands out for her daughter. "Keep talking, I don't want her fussing while I feed her, she'll only make herself sick."
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But Rey has heard her mother's voice, and she bleats for her, leaving Cassian no choice but to slowly pull her from his chest and pass her over gently to Jyn. Weakly, "I was going to get her bottle."
He made Jyn come back when she clearly doesn't want to be here. But he listens, sitting up a little more so Rey can see him. She's already calmer though, knowing the both of them are there. He leans down to kiss her forehead. "Hush now, Rey, your belly is going to be full soon."
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As if listening, Rey does calm down her eager nursing, though Jyn knows it's just the baby realizing that food is obviously already in her mouth.
Quietly, she ventures, "I told you you didn't do anything wrong."
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"Maybe not today," he tries, because silence isn't going to solve anything. He keeps his voice at a pitch that should soothe Rey while still trying to sound honest. "But it has been a very long few years."
From one prison to another. He knows Jyn would never regret Rey, but maybe she's ready to be out, to take their baby and leave this planet behind.
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But maybe Cassian isn't even talking about her anymore. It's been a long few years for him as well and he had a life outside this; his choice wasn't prison or espionage, it was a real life with friends and companions and a job that didn't drive him to madness, although was admittedly already espionage.
"I told you why I'm upset and I told you it's not your fault, I just need... to get over it." She huffs a sigh, looking down at their daughter because there is no way she is looking at Cassian, fidgeting in discomfort. "It'll be fine."
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She can think of him with a life outside this, but the reality wasn't much. His only real friend was a droid, one he only sees on occasion now to both of their dismays. He doesn't know how to do interpersonal relationships.
Cassian brushes his hand over Rey's hair and she half coos. "The galaxy is big. You're stuck here." With him, terrible him. He follows her gaze down to Rey, it's definitely easier. "I don't know how to have a family. I don't want you to feel trapped."
Because that is clearly what she meant by talking about choices. "It's not going to be fine, if you move to the couch."
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He wants to leave. Or he wants her to leave.
He doesn't know how to have a family but he clearly loves Rey so it's her. She's the problem. She's stuck here, with him, and he'd prefer she be elsewhere in this big galaxy. It won't be fine if she moves to the couch because it's too close. It all makes sense to her now. She'd been naive not to notice it earlier. Jyn's stupid outburst reminding him that he'd chosen Taia had just broken the dam.
"I understand."
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"Do you? I don't even know if I do." He's trying, ok! Cassian has always avoided analyzing his own feelings. It made the job easier. But Jyn isn't just the job anymore. "I don't want to keep hurting you."
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It's kind of irritating that she feels bad that Cassian feels bad. It would be so much easier if she didn't like him enough to try to reassure him that he hasn't actually done anything wrong.
Rey's little fist flails out to punch Jyn but it's so small and light it doesn't actually hurt and a tiny smile sprouts, looking down at the greedy baby.
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"You can't say I don't feel the same when I don't how you are feeling right now." Other than upset, obviously. But he is assuming it's just related to regular emotions.
He glances at Rey softly. "She's always so hungry."
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With some discomfort, she pries Rey away from her breast, lifting her to settle the baby against her shoulder to burp her, murmuring softly so she won't starting fussing. "You'll go back to the other one, don't worry."
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And it's not one-sided. He's thought far too many times about how beautiful Jyn is to him, several times alone today. If anything, he thought it was one sided on his end.
"I have never made anything of the sort clear, Jyn. I could not have, when I didn't even know -"
Rey lets out a very loud belch and whines loudly about it immediately after. How dare her body make so much noise.
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Jyn decides she still doesn't want to look at Cassian, drawing a fingertip across the babies rosy cheek.
She'd asked him what he wanted though and he'd sidestepped the question for Rey, she asked him why he didn't want Taia and his answer was Rey. She'd told him he was jealous and he said he would choose their family, but not... her. Not like that. "It doesn't matter, it's fine."
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He's still stuck on the fact that she basically said she was attracted to him, and he can't figure out how to deal with it. He hadn't answered her before because... he didn't know how? He was scared? There are a lot of reasons, probably, but none of them are because he doesn't like her.
He does like her. The extent to which, however, is a very confusing mess and figuring it out is causing a strain on the house.
"The more you say it's fine, the harder it is to believe. It does matter."
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Fuck emotions.
"Can we please stop talking about this?"
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But anything else he wants to say it silenced when she asks him to stop.
Despite the words, he still kind of hesitates. They're both exhausted. They need to rest. Maybe he can try talking to her again tomorrow, give himself more time to figure out why his chest is like a hurricane. "Whatever you want, Jyn."
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Her mouth turns down in a deeper frown, unhappiness rolling off her like in waves. Rey grunts with similar unhappiness, blinking up at her parents while she nurses, and Jyn knows she can't do anything to fix this strange rift between her and Cassian. She shouldn't have said anything in the first place.
"Thank you." Whatever else she's feeling, she does appreciate that he isn't forcing her to keep talking.
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He brushes his hand over Rey's head, and for lack of anything else to do, to get rid of the overbearing silence, he starts to hum softly again. Maybe the sound will lull Rey back into sleep.
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Once Rey is down she turns back to Cassian. "I'm going to take a walk, if that's alright."
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Cassian blinks in the dim light, confusion and concern etched on his face. "At this time?"
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She belongs on Coruscant. At least that's what she's been told time and time again by the people of Coruscant, a sentiment that makes her stomach curdle every time she hears it. She doesn't want to belong on Coruscant, she wants to belong anywhere else than this bustling metropolitan stronghold for the Empire.
"I need some fresh air, I'll be perfectly safe."
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"Will you take your comm?"
He doesn't really think anything is going to happen at all; he believes she just needs to get some air and get out of the house, but Coruscant is still central to Imperial control. It's night. Please take the comm, Jyn, because he's not going to try and stop her from going.
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"Of course I will." She almost tells him not to sleep on the couch because she has a feeling, but she doesn't like the majority of her feelings at the moment so she says nothing else. She leans over to kiss Rey's forehead, before pushing off the crib and moving to leave.
She scoops one of the comms off the dresser as she goes and slips out the door.
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Cassian doesn't really sleep. He dozes, trying to listen for the door opening. Rey wakes up three or four times in the night, sometimes just wanting to be held, sometimes wanting more food, and the fourth time he almost texts Jyn that Rey is at it again when the baby abruptly passes out in his arms. The only reason he doesn't go to the couch is because he doesn't want to leave Rey alone, but the thought is there.
Jyn comes home at dawn, but she doesn't come to bed. Cassian's stomach churns over and he already knows something has shifted. She comes to get Rey when it's time for him to go to work, and his goodbye feels too similar to the earlier days. Rey seems to think so too, and he tries not to flinch listening to her wailing as he leaves.
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