This is all platonic, but she knew that already. Cassian is just reaffirming what she'd already been thinking.
"I won't avoid you forever." Just until she gets over this stupid crush, convinces her heart to stop feeling anything. It's stupid anyway, it's probably just proximity, the fact that she can only be herself with him, postpartum hormones. There's a lot of reasons to convince herself it's not real, that she doesn't like him.
It's meant to be an assurance, in any case. That she isn't going to ignore him for the rest of this, that she'll still parent Rey with him. She just needs space to stop liking him so this weirdness can go away.
He's afraid to make it not platonic. She was jealous because he had chosen Taia before, but the idea of Jyn choosing him falls flat. It's like he just can't fathom it no matter how much her behavior might say otherwise. He already doesn't deserve Rey; he doesn't deserve to be happy with Jyn either.
It's not as reassuring as she hopes, mostly because he doesn't want her to avoid him at all. But he recognizes her need for space. Maybe she hasn't been getting as much as usual lately. He's been slightly more affectionate, in retrospect.
"I hope one day you feel like you don't need to at all." He kisses Rey's forehead, because she's finally fallen asleep, but he's still too afraid to move just yet. It took a long time to get her there, ok.
"Sure," Jyn offers, noncommittal. She also hopes one day she won't need to avoid him because she can't feel like this for the rest of her life, she'll go insane, she'll jump out an airlock or a window.
Drawing her hand free from Rey's lax grip, Jyn smooths back her hair, smiling softly at her daughter.
"You should lay down with her, so she doesn't kick off again." Something about bad sleep habits, but whatever, she's a baby. They can teach her better habits later when she isn't in the middle of Empire territory. They can do a lot of things when they're not in the middle of Empire territory.
He doesn't like the way the sure sounds at all, but he's too afraid to start any sort of conversation with the potential to explode with Rey so peaceful in his arms.
Instead he sighs at her suggestion. It really is a bad habit, but Rey's been so exhausting this evening and he doesn't want wailing round two. He can lay with her, for a bit. The crib isn't far, he can tuck her once he knows for sure she's really down and out. Jyn pulls her hand away, and he already misses that simple connection, but he does take a few tentative steps towards the bed. "For a little while won't hurt."
Rey remains asleep, so Cassian carefully settles himself onto bed leaning up against the pillows with Rey on his chest. She just makes little wheezing noises and buries her nose in his shirt, but doesn't startle from the movements.
Once he's settled, Rey snug against his chest in such a sweet way that Jyn's heart swells with affection... she walks out of the room. Rey isn't the only one that wants to cry, but Jyn refuses to do it in front of anyone else.
Padding through the apartment, Jyn shuts off the rest of the lights, closing cabinets and gathering up all of the laundry that had piled up during the day while Rey was fussing too much for Jyn to put it away. Once it's all gathered up, she settles on the couch, dragging the blankets over her so she can try not to cry in their warmth.
It's stupid to be so upset. She knew it was going to just be platonic when they started this whole things, she shouldn't have let herself feel anything.
Cassian is so tired, but he waits for Jyn to come to bed... and waits. He hears her puttering around the house and taking care of things they probably forgot about over the day thanks to Rey's fussing, but even when things quiet down, she doesn't come back into the bedroom.
He rests his hand over Rey's back and tells himself Jyn is still just taking care of things. It's a lie, and he can't even pretend otherwise because the empty side of the bed leaves an unexpected ache in his chest, right beneath his daughter.
As easy as it would be to sleep, it starts evading him just like it kept away from Rey. It doesn't matter what Jyn told him. He did do something wrong, somewhere. Maybe it wasn't just today. Maybe today it was just a culmination. It was stupid to get so used to how casual and easy they'd gotten. Maybe it was too much.
Maybe she wants to make her own choice, and because of this mission and him, she can't. She's always chased after her freedom so desperately, and he's an unwanted tether.
Good to know being alone with his thoughts still isn't good for him.
Jyn manages to sleep, exhausted more than she's ever felt in her life, including prison and childbirth. The shame and stupidity and heartbreak is too much and she silently cries herself to sleep for a few hours, fitful and not incredibly restful.
She jolts awake and assumes it's because Rey's crying, but she only hears the quiet murmur of Cassian. Probably singing to her again. The familiar tingle in her chest pulls her off the couch, knowing Rey will be fussing to eat soon, and Jyn reluctantly pads from the living room to linger by the half closed door, just out of sight.
It's not that she's unwilling to go into her own bedroom it's just that... she's unwilling to go into her own bedroom.
Cassian does not sleep. He dozes, but it's not really anything deeply restful. He keeps expecting Jyn to come crawl in bed. When she doesn't, it feels like something has changed.
Rey doesn't quite start to wail again, but she wakes up sometime in the night and starts to whine. Cassian catches it quickly enough to offset any loud crying, shifting the baby in his arms and letting her know he's there. He starts to hum a little, but she sniffles into his chest.
"Are you hungry? Should we get you some food soon, starshine?" Only after does he notice he used Jyn's nickname, not his. Rey looks up and him and fusses. He sings to her again, one of the lullabies from earlier and she clutches her tiny hands into his shirt. She's probably hungry, but deep down Cassian knows that's not the only reason she's unhappy.
"Your mama loves you, Rey. She just needs a little time, okay? I think I have done something to upset her, but we love you no matter what happens. And I love you so very much."
Cassian's words to their daughter only serve to make Jyn feel worse about herself because she is supposed to be there for her daughter and she's not. He doesn't even know what he's done, because he thinks he's done something at all. A lack of feelings isn't a crime.
She wouldn't like her either.
She can't linger by the door anymore so she pushes it open, striding in purposefully. She ignores the way she no doubt looks like she was crying, face drawn and pale as she sits down by his knees, holding her hands out for her daughter. "Keep talking, I don't want her fussing while I feed her, she'll only make herself sick."
He looks up surprised when she comes in, swallowing when he sees she's been crying. He wants to talk to her and ask her to talk to him and make it better. Especially because she tells him to keep talking, which makes him nervously wonder how much she heard him say to their daughter already.
But Rey has heard her mother's voice, and she bleats for her, leaving Cassian no choice but to slowly pull her from his chest and pass her over gently to Jyn. Weakly, "I was going to get her bottle."
He made Jyn come back when she clearly doesn't want to be here. But he listens, sitting up a little more so Rey can see him. She's already calmer though, knowing the both of them are there. He leans down to kiss her forehead. "Hush now, Rey, your belly is going to be full soon."
"It's fine," she murmurs dismissively, settle Rey against her chest and tugging and shifting her shirt to get it out of the way. Rey latches on immediately and hungrily, a little too aggressively, making Jyn wince. This is karma. "Gentle, Rey, gentle."
As if listening, Rey does calm down her eager nursing, though Jyn knows it's just the baby realizing that food is obviously already in her mouth.
Quietly, she ventures, "I told you you didn't do anything wrong."
Oh no. She did hear him. He swallows again. Her words hang in the air for a long few seconds, but Rey grumbles and it urges him to speak. It's probably not even a completely unhappy sound, Cassian's just too used to leaping at the slightest whine tonight.
"Maybe not today," he tries, because silence isn't going to solve anything. He keeps his voice at a pitch that should soothe Rey while still trying to sound honest. "But it has been a very long few years."
From one prison to another. He knows Jyn would never regret Rey, but maybe she's ready to be out, to take their baby and leave this planet behind.
"Do you want me to be upset with every slight since we started this?" It has been a long few years and she's hated a lot of it, but she has since gotten over it, she thought they settled that during the last fight but now she's not sure.
But maybe Cassian isn't even talking about her anymore. It's been a long few years for him as well and he had a life outside this; his choice wasn't prison or espionage, it was a real life with friends and companions and a job that didn't drive him to madness, although was admittedly already espionage.
"I told you why I'm upset and I told you it's not your fault, I just need... to get over it." She huffs a sigh, looking down at their daughter because there is no way she is looking at Cassian, fidgeting in discomfort. "It'll be fine."
He shakes his head immediately. There was a lot of fighting in the early months. Snapping and snipping and frustrations that eventually lead to the baby between them, but it's not that he thinks her holding petty grudges.
She can think of him with a life outside this, but the reality wasn't much. His only real friend was a droid, one he only sees on occasion now to both of their dismays. He doesn't know how to do interpersonal relationships.
Cassian brushes his hand over Rey's hair and she half coos. "The galaxy is big. You're stuck here." With him, terrible him. He follows her gaze down to Rey, it's definitely easier. "I don't know how to have a family. I don't want you to feel trapped."
Because that is clearly what she meant by talking about choices. "It's not going to be fine, if you move to the couch."
He doesn't know how to have a family but he clearly loves Rey so it's her. She's the problem. She's stuck here, with him, and he'd prefer she be elsewhere in this big galaxy. It won't be fine if she moves to the couch because it's too close. It all makes sense to her now. She'd been naive not to notice it earlier. Jyn's stupid outburst reminding him that he'd chosen Taia had just broken the dam.
He finally looks up at her face and doesn't like what he sees. She seems like she's closing herself up all over again. He keeps saying the wrong things over and over and he doesn't know how to fix it. Their wires keep getting crossed. He just wants her to stay, or be able to leave with her, but it's selfish of him.
"Do you? I don't even know if I do." He's trying, ok! Cassian has always avoided analyzing his own feelings. It made the job easier. But Jyn isn't just the job anymore. "I don't want to keep hurting you."
"I told you already, it isn't you, you're not hurting me. It's not your fault for not feeling the same way." It's Jyn's fault for not knowing how to deal with that, her fault for saying anything in the first place. She feels like such a Hutt's ass, thoroughly embarrassed that her emotional outburst has caused all this stupid difficulty.
It's kind of irritating that she feels bad that Cassian feels bad. It would be so much easier if she didn't like him enough to try to reassure him that he hasn't actually done anything wrong.
Rey's little fist flails out to punch Jyn but it's so small and light it doesn't actually hurt and a tiny smile sprouts, looking down at the greedy baby.
He frowns. They are definitely having two different conversations, he's sure of it now. He's distracted for a moment by Rey and the way Jyn smiles, the way it makes his stomach roll over. Seeing Jyn smile is one of his favorite things, though he's not sure when that happened.
"You can't say I don't feel the same when I don't how you are feeling right now." Other than upset, obviously. But he is assuming it's just related to regular emotions.
He glances at Rey softly. "She's always so hungry."
"You've made it quite clear that any attraction is one sided, Cassian." There is a snap to her tone that makes Rey's eyes flutter open to look up at her mother, but she's getting frustrated that they have to keep talking about this. She feels like they're going around in circles and the circles are surrounding her apparently never ending humiliation.
With some discomfort, she pries Rey away from her breast, lifting her to settle the baby against her shoulder to burp her, murmuring softly so she won't starting fussing. "You'll go back to the other one, don't worry."
He flinches and his mouth opens at the same time. Attraction. She used the word attraction, and obviously there had to be some level of appeal between them or Rey wouldn't be here, but she is making it sound like a much bigger deal than that.
And it's not one-sided. He's thought far too many times about how beautiful Jyn is to him, several times alone today. If anything, he thought it was one sided on his end.
"I have never made anything of the sort clear, Jyn. I could not have, when I didn't even know -"
Rey lets out a very loud belch and whines loudly about it immediately after. How dare her body make so much noise.
"Shh, starshine, shh. I know you're unhappy, wait just a moment." Hefting the baby up, Jyn kisses her grumpy face before settling her to feed from the other side. Even after having already fed, Rey acts ravenous.
Jyn decides she still doesn't want to look at Cassian, drawing a fingertip across the babies rosy cheek.
She'd asked him what he wanted though and he'd sidestepped the question for Rey, she asked him why he didn't want Taia and his answer was Rey. She'd told him he was jealous and he said he would choose their family, but not... her. Not like that. "It doesn't matter, it's fine."
Rey eats so much more than one would think possible for a baby of her size. She is a glutton.
He's still stuck on the fact that she basically said she was attracted to him, and he can't figure out how to deal with it. He hadn't answered her before because... he didn't know how? He was scared? There are a lot of reasons, probably, but none of them are because he doesn't like her.
He does like her. The extent to which, however, is a very confusing mess and figuring it out is causing a strain on the house.
"The more you say it's fine, the harder it is to believe. It does matter."
"It doesn't matter though, does it?" Why would it matter? Even now he still can't say that he has any attraction to her. He can't fix the terrible ache in her heart because she was dumb enough to let herself have an emotion.
But anything else he wants to say it silenced when she asks him to stop.
Despite the words, he still kind of hesitates. They're both exhausted. They need to rest. Maybe he can try talking to her again tomorrow, give himself more time to figure out why his chest is like a hurricane. "Whatever you want, Jyn."
Her mouth turns down in a deeper frown, unhappiness rolling off her like in waves. Rey grunts with similar unhappiness, blinking up at her parents while she nurses, and Jyn knows she can't do anything to fix this strange rift between her and Cassian. She shouldn't have said anything in the first place.
"Thank you." Whatever else she's feeling, she does appreciate that he isn't forcing her to keep talking.
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ohnofeelstho2017-05-14 03:23 pm
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"I won't avoid you forever." Just until she gets over this stupid crush, convinces her heart to stop feeling anything. It's stupid anyway, it's probably just proximity, the fact that she can only be herself with him, postpartum hormones. There's a lot of reasons to convince herself it's not real, that she doesn't like him.
It's meant to be an assurance, in any case. That she isn't going to ignore him for the rest of this, that she'll still parent Rey with him. She just needs space to stop liking him so this weirdness can go away.
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It's not as reassuring as she hopes, mostly because he doesn't want her to avoid him at all. But he recognizes her need for space. Maybe she hasn't been getting as much as usual lately. He's been slightly more affectionate, in retrospect.
"I hope one day you feel like you don't need to at all." He kisses Rey's forehead, because she's finally fallen asleep, but he's still too afraid to move just yet. It took a long time to get her there, ok.
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Drawing her hand free from Rey's lax grip, Jyn smooths back her hair, smiling softly at her daughter.
"You should lay down with her, so she doesn't kick off again." Something about bad sleep habits, but whatever, she's a baby. They can teach her better habits later when she isn't in the middle of Empire territory. They can do a lot of things when they're not in the middle of Empire territory.
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Instead he sighs at her suggestion. It really is a bad habit, but Rey's been so exhausting this evening and he doesn't want wailing round two. He can lay with her, for a bit. The crib isn't far, he can tuck her once he knows for sure she's really down and out. Jyn pulls her hand away, and he already misses that simple connection, but he does take a few tentative steps towards the bed. "For a little while won't hurt."
Rey remains asleep, so Cassian carefully settles himself onto bed leaning up against the pillows with Rey on his chest. She just makes little wheezing noises and buries her nose in his shirt, but doesn't startle from the movements.
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Padding through the apartment, Jyn shuts off the rest of the lights, closing cabinets and gathering up all of the laundry that had piled up during the day while Rey was fussing too much for Jyn to put it away. Once it's all gathered up, she settles on the couch, dragging the blankets over her so she can try not to cry in their warmth.
It's stupid to be so upset. She knew it was going to just be platonic when they started this whole things, she shouldn't have let herself feel anything.
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He rests his hand over Rey's back and tells himself Jyn is still just taking care of things. It's a lie, and he can't even pretend otherwise because the empty side of the bed leaves an unexpected ache in his chest, right beneath his daughter.
As easy as it would be to sleep, it starts evading him just like it kept away from Rey. It doesn't matter what Jyn told him. He did do something wrong, somewhere. Maybe it wasn't just today. Maybe today it was just a culmination. It was stupid to get so used to how casual and easy they'd gotten. Maybe it was too much.
Maybe she wants to make her own choice, and because of this mission and him, she can't. She's always chased after her freedom so desperately, and he's an unwanted tether.
Good to know being alone with his thoughts still isn't good for him.
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She jolts awake and assumes it's because Rey's crying, but she only hears the quiet murmur of Cassian. Probably singing to her again. The familiar tingle in her chest pulls her off the couch, knowing Rey will be fussing to eat soon, and Jyn reluctantly pads from the living room to linger by the half closed door, just out of sight.
It's not that she's unwilling to go into her own bedroom it's just that... she's unwilling to go into her own bedroom.
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Rey doesn't quite start to wail again, but she wakes up sometime in the night and starts to whine. Cassian catches it quickly enough to offset any loud crying, shifting the baby in his arms and letting her know he's there. He starts to hum a little, but she sniffles into his chest.
"Are you hungry? Should we get you some food soon, starshine?" Only after does he notice he used Jyn's nickname, not his. Rey looks up and him and fusses. He sings to her again, one of the lullabies from earlier and she clutches her tiny hands into his shirt. She's probably hungry, but deep down Cassian knows that's not the only reason she's unhappy.
"Your mama loves you, Rey. She just needs a little time, okay? I think I have done something to upset her, but we love you no matter what happens. And I love you so very much."
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She wouldn't like her either.
She can't linger by the door anymore so she pushes it open, striding in purposefully. She ignores the way she no doubt looks like she was crying, face drawn and pale as she sits down by his knees, holding her hands out for her daughter. "Keep talking, I don't want her fussing while I feed her, she'll only make herself sick."
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But Rey has heard her mother's voice, and she bleats for her, leaving Cassian no choice but to slowly pull her from his chest and pass her over gently to Jyn. Weakly, "I was going to get her bottle."
He made Jyn come back when she clearly doesn't want to be here. But he listens, sitting up a little more so Rey can see him. She's already calmer though, knowing the both of them are there. He leans down to kiss her forehead. "Hush now, Rey, your belly is going to be full soon."
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As if listening, Rey does calm down her eager nursing, though Jyn knows it's just the baby realizing that food is obviously already in her mouth.
Quietly, she ventures, "I told you you didn't do anything wrong."
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"Maybe not today," he tries, because silence isn't going to solve anything. He keeps his voice at a pitch that should soothe Rey while still trying to sound honest. "But it has been a very long few years."
From one prison to another. He knows Jyn would never regret Rey, but maybe she's ready to be out, to take their baby and leave this planet behind.
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But maybe Cassian isn't even talking about her anymore. It's been a long few years for him as well and he had a life outside this; his choice wasn't prison or espionage, it was a real life with friends and companions and a job that didn't drive him to madness, although was admittedly already espionage.
"I told you why I'm upset and I told you it's not your fault, I just need... to get over it." She huffs a sigh, looking down at their daughter because there is no way she is looking at Cassian, fidgeting in discomfort. "It'll be fine."
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She can think of him with a life outside this, but the reality wasn't much. His only real friend was a droid, one he only sees on occasion now to both of their dismays. He doesn't know how to do interpersonal relationships.
Cassian brushes his hand over Rey's hair and she half coos. "The galaxy is big. You're stuck here." With him, terrible him. He follows her gaze down to Rey, it's definitely easier. "I don't know how to have a family. I don't want you to feel trapped."
Because that is clearly what she meant by talking about choices. "It's not going to be fine, if you move to the couch."
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He wants to leave. Or he wants her to leave.
He doesn't know how to have a family but he clearly loves Rey so it's her. She's the problem. She's stuck here, with him, and he'd prefer she be elsewhere in this big galaxy. It won't be fine if she moves to the couch because it's too close. It all makes sense to her now. She'd been naive not to notice it earlier. Jyn's stupid outburst reminding him that he'd chosen Taia had just broken the dam.
"I understand."
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"Do you? I don't even know if I do." He's trying, ok! Cassian has always avoided analyzing his own feelings. It made the job easier. But Jyn isn't just the job anymore. "I don't want to keep hurting you."
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It's kind of irritating that she feels bad that Cassian feels bad. It would be so much easier if she didn't like him enough to try to reassure him that he hasn't actually done anything wrong.
Rey's little fist flails out to punch Jyn but it's so small and light it doesn't actually hurt and a tiny smile sprouts, looking down at the greedy baby.
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"You can't say I don't feel the same when I don't how you are feeling right now." Other than upset, obviously. But he is assuming it's just related to regular emotions.
He glances at Rey softly. "She's always so hungry."
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With some discomfort, she pries Rey away from her breast, lifting her to settle the baby against her shoulder to burp her, murmuring softly so she won't starting fussing. "You'll go back to the other one, don't worry."
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And it's not one-sided. He's thought far too many times about how beautiful Jyn is to him, several times alone today. If anything, he thought it was one sided on his end.
"I have never made anything of the sort clear, Jyn. I could not have, when I didn't even know -"
Rey lets out a very loud belch and whines loudly about it immediately after. How dare her body make so much noise.
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Jyn decides she still doesn't want to look at Cassian, drawing a fingertip across the babies rosy cheek.
She'd asked him what he wanted though and he'd sidestepped the question for Rey, she asked him why he didn't want Taia and his answer was Rey. She'd told him he was jealous and he said he would choose their family, but not... her. Not like that. "It doesn't matter, it's fine."
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He's still stuck on the fact that she basically said she was attracted to him, and he can't figure out how to deal with it. He hadn't answered her before because... he didn't know how? He was scared? There are a lot of reasons, probably, but none of them are because he doesn't like her.
He does like her. The extent to which, however, is a very confusing mess and figuring it out is causing a strain on the house.
"The more you say it's fine, the harder it is to believe. It does matter."
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Fuck emotions.
"Can we please stop talking about this?"
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But anything else he wants to say it silenced when she asks him to stop.
Despite the words, he still kind of hesitates. They're both exhausted. They need to rest. Maybe he can try talking to her again tomorrow, give himself more time to figure out why his chest is like a hurricane. "Whatever you want, Jyn."
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Her mouth turns down in a deeper frown, unhappiness rolling off her like in waves. Rey grunts with similar unhappiness, blinking up at her parents while she nurses, and Jyn knows she can't do anything to fix this strange rift between her and Cassian. She shouldn't have said anything in the first place.
"Thank you." Whatever else she's feeling, she does appreciate that he isn't forcing her to keep talking.
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