If Jyn had her way, no one would have ever called Cassian. But as she was currently unconscious, she didn't have much of an opinion and she was the one that never thought to put a new ICE contact in her phone and note some other emergency contact to carry around specifically so no one would call Cassian.
It simply hadn't come up since they'd split up because she was too scared to move forward and she had no reason to think it would. They'd broken up, the whole world would clearly know that Jyn got frightened of the idea of being committed to someone else, depending on someone else, trusting him not to leave her the way everyone else in her life had left her, and ran from the one person in her entire life who had always come back for her, looked after her, the one person that stayed.
And she threw it away because she was afraid.
It hurt her so completely that surely the rest of the world had to feel the same hurt and simply know that Cassian was now off limits.
She didn't intend to wind up in the ER for an emergency surgery, but here she is, having her spleen removed and there is the nurse calling Cassian fucking Andor to tell him that she'd been in a car accident in her death trap of a car and she's in surgery and he should come down because he is still her emergency contact.
He's made to wait while the surgeons attend to her, updated by a kind doctor who assumes that Cassian was the correct person to call -- he'd rushed to the hospital, after all -- until she is brought back to a room and Cassian is allowed back to see her by another kind nurse who touches his arm with a reassuring smile as he ushers Cassian into Jyn's room. She looks frail under the blankets pulled up to her chin, pale and all scraped up, hooked up to more than one softly beeping monitor.
"She'll be awake soon. They brought her out of the anesthesia already but most people are groggy, they drift in and out. There's a call button on the side of the bed if you need anything." Another look of assurance and Cassian is left alone with his possibly sleeping ex-girlfriend who still uses him as her emergency contact.
It does not even occur to him that he would still be Jyn's emergency contact. She left. She didn't want him. They tried to stay friends, but everything felt too awkward and too strained that they had just drifted over the last few months. Cassian reverted to old misanthrope habits, it was easier, and even if he missed some of their other friends too, it felt more manageable that way.
When his phone rings and it's the hospital, he doesn't know what to do with it. He calls Bodhi much to the other man's surprise, but he's out of town until tomorrow, and it's not like Cassian isn't instinctively already on his way out the door to the hospital before that news comes to light. No matter what his feelings might be doing, Jyn was still hurt, still in surgery, he needs to make sure she's okay.
He doesn't want to think about the worry churning in his gut as doctors and nurses talk to him about what happened, doesn't want to think about how easily they assume he's family or a partner, because he used to be but now he's not, but he can't correct them because no one else is here right now, and no matter what his heart is doing, someone needs to be there for Jyn. She still deserves that.
After he's shuffled along into her room. Cassian falls back into one of the stiff guest chairs, sinking down into the cushion and pinching the bridge of his nose. He doesn't want to look at how sickly she is, the scrapes and bruises on her face against the whir of the machines monitoring the patient.
He'll wait. He'll see how she is when she wakes up, see if he can drag anyone else out of her that she might want him to call, then he'll be on his way.
It's all very ow, the thoughts bouncing around her brain start and end with ouch. A whole lot of her is in a whole lot of pain and she knows she knows why but she doesn't know why. She coughs, making a face at the taste of her own mouth -- disgusting -- and licks her lips repeatedly until the dry feeling finally fades, running her tongue along her teeth too. One part of her will feel normal and it is going to be her mouth.
Swallowing back some of the dry, cottony taste in her mouth, she squints her eyes open, making another face at the light.
Softly, "Piss off, lights."
Losing her spleen didn't have any effect on her grumpiness when she is woken up. She's not a morning person and even if it's nearer to dinner than breakfast, this feels like morning to her and she doesn't like it.
He doesn't laugh. He might have once upon a time, but the grumpy familiarity just sort of makes him ache, because mornings with Jyn were always like a mystery box he couldn't wait to unwrap. He loved her pissy waking up moods, it was hilarious to him. She always did do a number on his judgement.
He does finally look up at her, swallowing back that ache. He can be an adult about this. With a quiet sigh he stands up, slowly making his way over to put himself in her line of sight, even if she keeps blinking and glaring into the light.
"They can be dimmed, if you really want."
He's a little harried, long hair tied messily out of his face, and try as he might, he can't quite erase the concern etched in lines across his brow.
It's immediate, the way her body sags with relief, the last few months and her own self-sabotaging idiocy forgotten because it's Cassian and she has always felt safe with Cassian. Which was terrifying half the time, it was Too Much and she was too used to using her trauma as a wall, so she'd built it up between the two of them when it was the last thin Cassian deserved.
Which she remembers or realizes all at once, the shame flooding across her pale expression as her eyes close again, horrified that he is here after how she treated him.
He stiffens when he notices. She's relieved that he's here and it fills him with something uncomfortable and uncertain, making him wonder if she left him there on purpose and not out of forgetfulness. Which doesn't make any sense. Maybe she's just too drugged up.
At least she is more aware of what's happening shortly thereafter, evident in the way she snaps to attention, the way her relief dissipates.
He needs a moment, not wanting his surprise or discomfort to show itself. His voice is incredibly level when he finally speaks. "They called me," he says simply. "My number is apparently still on your file, and Bodhi is out of town."
There isn't much trouble she can get into in a hospital bed and Bodhi will... probably be home by the time she gets released. She could get an Uber otherwise. She doesn't want Cassian to feel like he has to do anything for her. She gave up that privilege.
She wishes she could turn over and away, but she is pretty sure she can't move at all and the tightness all down her side makes her too nervous to try. Her whole body is a dull ache, she doesn't make to turn the ache into pain.
Pushing out a slow breath, she opens her eyes again. "I'm sorry. You don't have to stay. I'll make sure they change it for next time."
He doesn't want to get into any kind of argument on whether or not he had to come. Maybe he didn't need to, but it doesn't matter, he's already here. He just needs to keep clinical about the whole thing.
"Is there someone else you want me to call? I already spoke to Bodhi. He is planning to come home tomorrow."
He didn't want to call Chirrut or Baze unless she asked; he's sure Bodhi already passed along the message to them anyway, but he doesn't want to ask them to come. He should have, he realizes, because there's no reason for him to be here except he's not sure anyone else might have gotten all the information. Now that he has it, he can pass it along and carry on himself.
He pauses. "They explained to me what happened." Just so she knows he knows. "I can page the nurse in, if you have questions."
She glances down at herself, finally moving. Only her hands, lifting them under the blankets to slip out by her head and flip the blanket down to expose her torso. Immediately she has mild regrets because she was so toasty warm in that little cocoon, and now she is struck with the brisk hospital air. Her shirt is gone, RIP, and replaced with a stretchy, hideous hospital issue sports bra that she only dimly remembers putting on, and a massive bandage covering the entirety of her abdomen.
"Can you remind me, what happened?" She knows. She's pretty sure she knows. Car accident, lots of pain, her head and her stomach hurt and she remembers telling the nurse her blood type in case she needed a transfusion, but the rest is a blur. "No more spleen? That's useless like the appendix, right?"
He bristles a little, even though he shouldn't. He doesn't know if she's being stubborn about no one else, or if she just doesn't want anyone else around. She has people, even if she pretends otherwise. Bodhi will talk to her, he'll text the man later than Jyn is awake, and then he can tell anyone else. He pulls his phone from her pocket and sets it on her bedside, not the table if only because he suspects she can't reach it. "Everything damaged except for this, evidently."
Jyn's phone was always made of steel.
He shakes his head. "It boosts your immune system. You will be more susceptible to illness without it. Not quite as useless, but livable without one, clearly."
Cassian knows she hates feeling vulnerable and weak; she's sprawled out this way undoubtedly feeling both, and he hates that he knows the exact best way to comfort it. "It was badly ruptured in the accident, and you needed an emergency surgery to have it removed."
Jyn idly opens her phone, finding the familiar background of her and Cassian at Shara and Kes' engagement party. She quickly flips the phone over so he won't see it. That party, as happy as she had been, was the beginning of the end. First someone asked if she and Cassian were next to get engaged and then he'd made the practical and reasonable suggestion of getting a place together or her moving in when her lease ran out and Jyn hadn't been able to handle it.
It was too much and she'd run and now she has nothing and honestly she can't blame Cassian for being annoyed with her.
"Ruptured." She nods, that sounds terrifying, but she supposes it's in the past and it's been fixed, in that it's gone. Ruptured means internal bleeding though and that's equally as horrifying. Fuck, she could have died. "Shit," she whispers, residual terror welling up in the word as tears prick at her eyes.
He catches a very brief glimpse of her background, not on purpose; his eyes are just drawn to the movement of her hands. It looks like it might be them, and he just files it away as something else unexplainable.
He's not annoyed, exactly. He's still upset, still hurt, but he's managed to box up most of these things because he refused to sit around and mope when his girlfriend of two years and best friend decided to call it quits. He spent a long time wondering what he'd done, narrowing it down to asking her to move in with him and wishing he hadn't.
Cassian can see the panic and fear well up in her with the word ruptured and his masks cracks. She's crying. Of course she's crying, she's just been in an accident and had a major surgery! His jaw tightens and he stops himself from going to her, even if the urge is there.
"They expect you to make a full recovery," he offers quietly. "Although they said it will take longer now, a side effect of removing the spleen."
"Right, yeah, immune system." She smiles weakly, tight and fake, shoving her emotions down with such force that it physically pains her to hold back the anxiety but she doesn't get to fall apart in front of Cassian anymore, she gave up that privilege. "Full recovery sounds good."
She drags the blankets back up, folds her hands over them, ignoring the shooting pain from the pressure on her abdomen. She's fine. If she wills it so, it will be so or whatever bullshit mantra Chirrut would say about mindfulness and being present.
"Thank you. For coming. You don't have to stay, I'll be fine." Her voice does not sound like she will be fine, thin and high and broken, breaths short and shallow, but she is trying so hard not to put anything else on Cassian, she's already done enough. "I really appreciate it, I'll be alright. You can-- you don't have to stay or call anyone or anything. But thank you."
He can't stand this picture of her that just keeps growing more pained. Her eyes are watering, she is grimacing every time she moves, she probably just wants to sit and cry. Why does Bodhi have to be out of town?
Oh well. He's always been good at putting everyone else before his own physical and mental health. Besides, she's just been through a literal traumatic experience, she's lucky to be alive, he can't possibly leave her alone now. She may not even want him here, but no one should be alone after that, especially with only the beeping of hospital machines for company.
She was everything to him. He hasn't seen her for weeks, but he can't bring himself to just... leave her like this, even if they're over but it still feels like an open wound.
"I can't - you should not be alone. What if I call Baze?"
"He will guilt you into staying," Jyn predicts, correctly.
Baze knows she made the wrong choice, he knows that she knows she made the wrong choice. But she can't take it back now! Cassian doesn't deserve her changing her mind, he deserves the chance to move the fuck on. And Jyn doesn't want to believe Chirrut when he says Cassian doesn't want to move on either.
Honesty, he at least deserves that.
"I don't want you to feel like you're stuck here with me."
She's not wrong. Maybe that's part of why he hadn't called Baze, because he knows the man would get him to stay. Either option seems to end with him staying, given he's already decided not to leave her alone just yet.
There is no reason for him to stay, except he knows he still cares about her, as much as he ignores it or tries to pretend otherwise. The adrenaline that hit him after the phone call is slowly abating, leaving him with that quiet worry, as well gratitude that she's... alive. That it wasn't worse. He wants to longer a little more, just to reassure himself she's all right.
"And you have just been in an accident, followed by a major surgery. That is not something you should deal with alone. Someone should be here, at least until the doctor comes back."
Jyn lifts her shoulders in a shrug, finding that motion more painful than intended, hissing out a pained noise that she immediately waves off. It is fine! He doesn't have to worry about her!
"Alright, you can stay as long as you want then." Maybe once he speaks to the doctor he will be more comfortable and won't press so much that she have someone with her. There is a long pause, thirty seven different emotions warring in her chest, only about three actually recognizable, before Jyn blurts out, tears leaking down her cheeks finally: "I'm glad you're here."
As much as she wants him to feel like he doesn't have to stay, she is incredibly grateful that he had come. She has always felt safe with him and right now that is what she wants to feel.
"Stop moving so much please." Every time she shuffles, she lets out some kind of pained noise and a grimace. He gets not wanting to be still, but she needs to test the waters, not move like normal. Like everything else, it worries him.
He doesn't want to address her agreement or the fact that he wants to stay. Part of him is just glad she's talking to him, part of him thinks it's weird how easy it would be to fall back into old habits.
His eyes widen briefly in surprise. She's glad he's here. Did he hear that right? He supposes he gets it on some level. Despite everything, he's still familiar, and they both knew each other so well. Maybe too well, given she walked away. He doesn't know what to say to it. Of course it's a comfort to have someone around, that's exactly why he's there.
It has nothing to do with him, specifically.
"I am glad you are okay," he says at last instead of anything else, and even though it's quiet, it's earnest. He wants to take her hand and offer comfort once she starts crying, but he can't bring himself to take those few more steps.
Maybe it's the tears already rolling down her cheeks or the abundance of emotions or maybe it is the cocktail of pain reliever and anesthesia but a pressure builds in Jyn's chest -- which is in and of itself mildly alarming -- and when she opens her mouth to breathe in some deep breathes or maybe scream, what comes out instead is a waterfall of half panicked, hurried words.
"I shouldn't have left. I was scared and I panicked and I know it's stupid because you've always been there for me and you never wavered, but it was so much, it felt like it was too much, everyone wanted to know when we'd get married and then you asked me to move in and I know it was the smart thing to do and I would have, I should have, but I panicked and I ran away like I always do--" She hiccups, breathing erratic and full of the panic she's babbling about. "--but I shouldn't have, I shouldn't have, because you were always the only person I felt like I could rely on and then I threw it away because I was scared and I was stupid and I didn't give you a chance and I'm so sorry, Cassian, I'm so sorry for what I did to us, I ruined it and I hurt you and I never ever want you to think you had anything to do with it, it was me and I was wrong and I was stupid and I'm so sorry, I'm so so sorry."
She trails off into more apologies, sorrys turning into sobs because losing an organ really put into relief that losing Cassian had hurt more, and it was a self-inflicted hurt.
All she wants is for Cassian to know that it wasn't his fault.
Of anything he might have expected following that initial phone call, Cassian certainly was not prepared for this.
He stares wide-eyed and confused and startled by the overflowing admission, torn between the emotional gut punch it is and the erratic rush of her breathing. He clambers to his feet and hurries over, worried it's going to send her into some kind of panic attack and just make all her injuries feel ten times worse.
"Jyn," he tries to keep his voice soft, soothing. He even holds out his hand, brushing his fingers over hers in case she wants to take it. "Jyn please, slow and careful breathing. You do not - now is not the time to work yourself up. I do not want you to hurt yourself more."
He doesn't know how to address... any of what she said. His emotions were already in overdrive from the accident, and now this, combined with his overarching concern for her well-being - he can't think on it. "We can talk later, okay? I promise. But now - please try and take a slow breath."
Not deep, because that might her her chest, but something, anything to quell her sobbing. It's still in him, that deep seated need to make sure she's okay.
She takes his hand immediately, holding it like it's a life raft, the only thing keeping her afloat. She may be weak from surgery and injury, but her grip remains as oddly strong as ever. He looks like a dreamy Impressionist painting through her tears, soft and watery, and she tries her best to focus on what he is saying even while she struggled to breathe without hyperventilating.
Which is what he wants too, for her to slow down.
He'd said something, she needs to focus on it. What had he said, what had he promised. Later, he'd promised later, if she breathed properly now. Focus, Jyn. Calm down. She knows she is having a panic attack, can feel the pressure in her chest, the way she feels overheated and nauseated. She knows but knowing never really makes it easier. Telling herself to breathe never really makes it easier either.
But she tries, breathing in and out slowly until it's too slow and makes her choke on the lack of air before she tries again. In and out, in and out, in and out. She can tell when she is breathing well because some of the tension fades from Cassian's shoulders. Her grip loosens slightly but she doesn't let go.
"'m okay. Sorry." She is full of apologies today, far too late.
When she takes it, he's struck by how much he's missed holding her hand. Their fingers wind together and he squeezes her hand back, despite how tightly she's gripping his.
He starts counting, slowly and quietly, trying to help her time her breaths, because a panic attack immediately post surgery does not feel like it will help much at all. He speaks mostly to set up a cadence, a pattern for her to focus on while she gets her breathing under control. They'd always done that for each other even before they started dating, it doesn't surprise him to fall back into it now.
"It's okay," he says softly. She doesn't have to apologize for a panic attack, and that's the only apology he is daring to touch right now. "You should have a sip of water."
i want a world where everything lights up because i'm in it
It's been six days since accidentally becoming trapped in Cassian's apartment and eight days since she actually arrived. More than a week together and they haven't killed each other, despite not being able to leave the house -- admittedly Cassian has left the house to get groceries but Jyn's stupid immune system means she is trapped at (his) home, sitting on the fire escape dreaming about when freedom of movement will come back from the war.
Today, while Cassian was working from home and she was slowly losing her mind from boredom, she has tidied up. Her own space is still a little messy, clothes under the bed and the like, but the dishes are done, she put her toothbrush back in her room and made sure there was no hair in the shower drain and then while she was there she cleaned the shower and put all of Cassian's toiletries in the order she knows he likes. She had discovered long ago that it was the order in which he uses them, which is cute. And then, while she was there, she cleaned the toilet and the sink and made sure there was extra toilet paper at the ready. Then she'd moved on the kitchen and the living room and the tiny closet that counted as his laundry room, fetching her clean clothes and folding his neatly in the basket. To be so bored she has resorted to cleaning is a new low for her.
Zapata watches her with what can only be described as a dubious expression, even as her tail wags cheerfully at being noticed. "What? What else am I supposed to do, watch 24 hours of Law & Order SVU? I'm not that pathetic."
She's getting close.
Instead she cleans out the bloody fridge, which is when she finds the mix and match six pack of hard seltzer that must have been in there since before they broke up. Zapata looks at her now with suspicion.
"What! I can drink." Can she though? She glances at the clock, Cassian will be done with work in a half hour (or more), she'll put everything back, clean, and then reward herself with a drink. Or maybe all of them, test out that liver function. Once the fridge is spotless and the clock on the stove turns to five o'clock, Jyn cracks open the first drink. It's science!
Edited (just taking out an extra word and spelling) 2020-04-19 05:07 (UTC)
It's amazing the variety of work from home capabilities NASA has. Cassian spends most of his time running numbers in an office, but when the outbreak hits, his office becomes his house. He's not a social creature by default, but he does miss his friends - even if it took him almost a year of working there to admit they were his friends.
He gets to go outside to shop, to walk his dog, but the streets are far emptier than usual (which is good!). He doesn't order as much takeout, which is also probably good, but he does try to support all of his favorite places within walking distance.
The biggest change of all comes in the form of Jyn Erso currently living at his house.
Her accident and follow up surgery have left her immuno-compromised, and she was staying with him already as a favor to Bodhi when the lockdown first hit so she just... never left. For her safety. He knows she wouldn't be a moron like some people, but she wouldn't be able to avoid going out entirely if she was by herself.
His timed work hours technically end, but he runs a few minutes over to finish up a particularly annoying calculation. When he finally steps out of his room to witness his dog regarding his current housemate with suspicion as she chugs down a white claw he honestly forgot he had shoved in the back of his fridge. It's gross, he hates it, it was Jyn's thing and he never shoved it off on anyone else.
As if to explain, she reaches into his junk drawer -- which is exceedingly neat still considering the name -- and pulls out the mini breathalyzer. It had been a joke gift ages ago because Cassian is so conscientious about people not driving drunk, because he is a good friend, but now it is part of her experiment.
"My liver function is lower, right? So I don't have the tolerance I used to and this shit is 5%. So if we see how many White Claws it takes for me to be legally drunk, we can do the math to see how many drinks it would take if it was gin or mezcal." It's math, he likes math!
"So if I drink one, wait 15 minutes, it'll have hit my bloodstream and I can use this little guy." She shakes the breathalyzer before gesturing to the notepad on his counter with her start time of the drink (5:01pm) and a column for breathalyzer times and results. It's science if you take notes. "Repeat until .08, that's the experiment."
His frown deepens, not in unhappiness so much as confusion and concern.
"Are you trying to lure me in with math and science as an excuse to get drunk? Are you really that bored?"
She got him with the math..... even when he's not on the job, he loves playing around with numbers and calculations. It doesn't quite outweigh his concern, even if she is over her surgery and is mostly healed, but! Her liver function is lower! Which leads him back around to they should test it, and he supposes he would rather it be in a responsible environment.
What is this quarantine life?? "Did you already start drinking?"
The answer to his first two questions are resounding yeses, but she doesn't answer, shrugging as if to let him make his own decisions on that front. She can tell the gears are turning in his brain and she knows it's better to let him work it out for himself than interrupt.
If Cassian needs clarification, he will ask. He's much better at communication than she is.
But then he gets to the most important question and Jyn grins, shifting the box of wheat thins she was considering before she decided food would ruin the experiment, to reveal her half empty first can. "I absolutely did."
She reveals the can like a prize on a game show, and Cassian sighs, and rolls his eyes, so it's basically the jackpot win.
"Only because I would rather you test it in a controlled environment." It's not direct agreement, but it's as good as she's gonna get. "The wheat thins will skew the data, so I you have not had any."
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
realists) wrote in ![[community profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/community.png)
ohnofeelstho2018-12-15 08:15 pm
loving someone was traumatizing. you never knew what would happen to them out there in the world
It simply hadn't come up since they'd split up because she was too scared to move forward and she had no reason to think it would. They'd broken up, the whole world would clearly know that Jyn got frightened of the idea of being committed to someone else, depending on someone else, trusting him not to leave her the way everyone else in her life had left her, and ran from the one person in her entire life who had always come back for her, looked after her, the one person that stayed.
And she threw it away because she was afraid.
It hurt her so completely that surely the rest of the world had to feel the same hurt and simply know that Cassian was now off limits.
She didn't intend to wind up in the ER for an emergency surgery, but here she is, having her spleen removed and there is the nurse calling Cassian fucking Andor to tell him that she'd been in a car accident in her death trap of a car and she's in surgery and he should come down because he is still her emergency contact.
He's made to wait while the surgeons attend to her, updated by a kind doctor who assumes that Cassian was the correct person to call -- he'd rushed to the hospital, after all -- until she is brought back to a room and Cassian is allowed back to see her by another kind nurse who touches his arm with a reassuring smile as he ushers Cassian into Jyn's room. She looks frail under the blankets pulled up to her chin, pale and all scraped up, hooked up to more than one softly beeping monitor.
"She'll be awake soon. They brought her out of the anesthesia already but most people are groggy, they drift in and out. There's a call button on the side of the bed if you need anything." Another look of assurance and Cassian is left alone with his possibly sleeping ex-girlfriend who still uses him as her emergency contact.
no subject
When his phone rings and it's the hospital, he doesn't know what to do with it. He calls Bodhi much to the other man's surprise, but he's out of town until tomorrow, and it's not like Cassian isn't instinctively already on his way out the door to the hospital before that news comes to light. No matter what his feelings might be doing, Jyn was still hurt, still in surgery, he needs to make sure she's okay.
He doesn't want to think about the worry churning in his gut as doctors and nurses talk to him about what happened, doesn't want to think about how easily they assume he's family or a partner, because he used to be but now he's not, but he can't correct them because no one else is here right now, and no matter what his heart is doing, someone needs to be there for Jyn. She still deserves that.
After he's shuffled along into her room. Cassian falls back into one of the stiff guest chairs, sinking down into the cushion and pinching the bridge of his nose. He doesn't want to look at how sickly she is, the scrapes and bruises on her face against the whir of the machines monitoring the patient.
He'll wait. He'll see how she is when she wakes up, see if he can drag anyone else out of her that she might want him to call, then he'll be on his way.
no subject
Swallowing back some of the dry, cottony taste in her mouth, she squints her eyes open, making another face at the light.
Softly, "Piss off, lights."
Losing her spleen didn't have any effect on her grumpiness when she is woken up. She's not a morning person and even if it's nearer to dinner than breakfast, this feels like morning to her and she doesn't like it.
no subject
He does finally look up at her, swallowing back that ache. He can be an adult about this. With a quiet sigh he stands up, slowly making his way over to put himself in her line of sight, even if she keeps blinking and glaring into the light.
"They can be dimmed, if you really want."
He's a little harried, long hair tied messily out of his face, and try as he might, he can't quite erase the concern etched in lines across his brow.
no subject
It's immediate, the way her body sags with relief, the last few months and her own self-sabotaging idiocy forgotten because it's Cassian and she has always felt safe with Cassian. Which was terrifying half the time, it was Too Much and she was too used to using her trauma as a wall, so she'd built it up between the two of them when it was the last thin Cassian deserved.
Which she remembers or realizes all at once, the shame flooding across her pale expression as her eyes close again, horrified that he is here after how she treated him.
"You didn't have to come here."
no subject
At least she is more aware of what's happening shortly thereafter, evident in the way she snaps to attention, the way her relief dissipates.
He needs a moment, not wanting his surprise or discomfort to show itself. His voice is incredibly level when he finally speaks. "They called me," he says simply. "My number is apparently still on your file, and Bodhi is out of town."
no subject
There isn't much trouble she can get into in a hospital bed and Bodhi will... probably be home by the time she gets released. She could get an Uber otherwise. She doesn't want Cassian to feel like he has to do anything for her. She gave up that privilege.
She wishes she could turn over and away, but she is pretty sure she can't move at all and the tightness all down her side makes her too nervous to try. Her whole body is a dull ache, she doesn't make to turn the ache into pain.
Pushing out a slow breath, she opens her eyes again. "I'm sorry. You don't have to stay. I'll make sure they change it for next time."
no subject
"Is there someone else you want me to call? I already spoke to Bodhi. He is planning to come home tomorrow."
He didn't want to call Chirrut or Baze unless she asked; he's sure Bodhi already passed along the message to them anyway, but he doesn't want to ask them to come. He should have, he realizes, because there's no reason for him to be here except he's not sure anyone else might have gotten all the information. Now that he has it, he can pass it along and carry on himself.
He pauses. "They explained to me what happened." Just so she knows he knows. "I can page the nurse in, if you have questions."
no subject
She glances down at herself, finally moving. Only her hands, lifting them under the blankets to slip out by her head and flip the blanket down to expose her torso. Immediately she has mild regrets because she was so toasty warm in that little cocoon, and now she is struck with the brisk hospital air. Her shirt is gone, RIP, and replaced with a stretchy, hideous hospital issue sports bra that she only dimly remembers putting on, and a massive bandage covering the entirety of her abdomen.
"Can you remind me, what happened?" She knows. She's pretty sure she knows. Car accident, lots of pain, her head and her stomach hurt and she remembers telling the nurse her blood type in case she needed a transfusion, but the rest is a blur. "No more spleen? That's useless like the appendix, right?"
no subject
Jyn's phone was always made of steel.
He shakes his head. "It boosts your immune system. You will be more susceptible to illness without it. Not quite as useless, but livable without one, clearly."
Cassian knows she hates feeling vulnerable and weak; she's sprawled out this way undoubtedly feeling both, and he hates that he knows the exact best way to comfort it. "It was badly ruptured in the accident, and you needed an emergency surgery to have it removed."
no subject
It was too much and she'd run and now she has nothing and honestly she can't blame Cassian for being annoyed with her.
"Ruptured." She nods, that sounds terrifying, but she supposes it's in the past and it's been fixed, in that it's gone. Ruptured means internal bleeding though and that's equally as horrifying. Fuck, she could have died. "Shit," she whispers, residual terror welling up in the word as tears prick at her eyes.
no subject
He's not annoyed, exactly. He's still upset, still hurt, but he's managed to box up most of these things because he refused to sit around and mope when his girlfriend of two years and best friend decided to call it quits. He spent a long time wondering what he'd done, narrowing it down to asking her to move in with him and wishing he hadn't.
Cassian can see the panic and fear well up in her with the word ruptured and his masks cracks. She's crying. Of course she's crying, she's just been in an accident and had a major surgery! His jaw tightens and he stops himself from going to her, even if the urge is there.
"They expect you to make a full recovery," he offers quietly. "Although they said it will take longer now, a side effect of removing the spleen."
no subject
She drags the blankets back up, folds her hands over them, ignoring the shooting pain from the pressure on her abdomen. She's fine. If she wills it so, it will be so or whatever bullshit mantra Chirrut would say about mindfulness and being present.
"Thank you. For coming. You don't have to stay, I'll be fine." Her voice does not sound like she will be fine, thin and high and broken, breaths short and shallow, but she is trying so hard not to put anything else on Cassian, she's already done enough. "I really appreciate it, I'll be alright. You can-- you don't have to stay or call anyone or anything. But thank you."
no subject
Oh well. He's always been good at putting everyone else before his own physical and mental health. Besides, she's just been through a literal traumatic experience, she's lucky to be alive, he can't possibly leave her alone now. She may not even want him here, but no one should be alone after that, especially with only the beeping of hospital machines for company.
She was everything to him. He hasn't seen her for weeks, but he can't bring himself to just... leave her like this, even if they're over but it still feels like an open wound.
"I can't - you should not be alone. What if I call Baze?"
no subject
Baze knows she made the wrong choice, he knows that she knows she made the wrong choice. But she can't take it back now! Cassian doesn't deserve her changing her mind, he deserves the chance to move the fuck on. And Jyn doesn't want to believe Chirrut when he says Cassian doesn't want to move on either.
Honesty, he at least deserves that.
"I don't want you to feel like you're stuck here with me."
no subject
There is no reason for him to stay, except he knows he still cares about her, as much as he ignores it or tries to pretend otherwise. The adrenaline that hit him after the phone call is slowly abating, leaving him with that quiet worry, as well gratitude that she's... alive. That it wasn't worse. He wants to longer a little more, just to reassure himself she's all right.
"And you have just been in an accident, followed by a major surgery. That is not something you should deal with alone. Someone should be here, at least until the doctor comes back."
no subject
"Alright, you can stay as long as you want then." Maybe once he speaks to the doctor he will be more comfortable and won't press so much that she have someone with her. There is a long pause, thirty seven different emotions warring in her chest, only about three actually recognizable, before Jyn blurts out, tears leaking down her cheeks finally: "I'm glad you're here."
As much as she wants him to feel like he doesn't have to stay, she is incredibly grateful that he had come. She has always felt safe with him and right now that is what she wants to feel.
no subject
He doesn't want to address her agreement or the fact that he wants to stay. Part of him is just glad she's talking to him, part of him thinks it's weird how easy it would be to fall back into old habits.
His eyes widen briefly in surprise. She's glad he's here. Did he hear that right? He supposes he gets it on some level. Despite everything, he's still familiar, and they both knew each other so well. Maybe too well, given she walked away. He doesn't know what to say to it. Of course it's a comfort to have someone around, that's exactly why he's there.
It has nothing to do with him, specifically.
"I am glad you are okay," he says at last instead of anything else, and even though it's quiet, it's earnest. He wants to take her hand and offer comfort once she starts crying, but he can't bring himself to take those few more steps.
no subject
"I shouldn't have left. I was scared and I panicked and I know it's stupid because you've always been there for me and you never wavered, but it was so much, it felt like it was too much, everyone wanted to know when we'd get married and then you asked me to move in and I know it was the smart thing to do and I would have, I should have, but I panicked and I ran away like I always do--" She hiccups, breathing erratic and full of the panic she's babbling about. "--but I shouldn't have, I shouldn't have, because you were always the only person I felt like I could rely on and then I threw it away because I was scared and I was stupid and I didn't give you a chance and I'm so sorry, Cassian, I'm so sorry for what I did to us, I ruined it and I hurt you and I never ever want you to think you had anything to do with it, it was me and I was wrong and I was stupid and I'm so sorry, I'm so so sorry."
She trails off into more apologies, sorrys turning into sobs because losing an organ really put into relief that losing Cassian had hurt more, and it was a self-inflicted hurt.
All she wants is for Cassian to know that it wasn't his fault.
no subject
He stares wide-eyed and confused and startled by the overflowing admission, torn between the emotional gut punch it is and the erratic rush of her breathing. He clambers to his feet and hurries over, worried it's going to send her into some kind of panic attack and just make all her injuries feel ten times worse.
"Jyn," he tries to keep his voice soft, soothing. He even holds out his hand, brushing his fingers over hers in case she wants to take it. "Jyn please, slow and careful breathing. You do not - now is not the time to work yourself up. I do not want you to hurt yourself more."
He doesn't know how to address... any of what she said. His emotions were already in overdrive from the accident, and now this, combined with his overarching concern for her well-being - he can't think on it. "We can talk later, okay? I promise. But now - please try and take a slow breath."
Not deep, because that might her her chest, but something, anything to quell her sobbing. It's still in him, that deep seated need to make sure she's okay.
no subject
Which is what he wants too, for her to slow down.
He'd said something, she needs to focus on it. What had he said, what had he promised. Later, he'd promised later, if she breathed properly now. Focus, Jyn. Calm down. She knows she is having a panic attack, can feel the pressure in her chest, the way she feels overheated and nauseated. She knows but knowing never really makes it easier. Telling herself to breathe never really makes it easier either.
But she tries, breathing in and out slowly until it's too slow and makes her choke on the lack of air before she tries again. In and out, in and out, in and out. She can tell when she is breathing well because some of the tension fades from Cassian's shoulders. Her grip loosens slightly but she doesn't let go.
"'m okay. Sorry." She is full of apologies today, far too late.
no subject
He starts counting, slowly and quietly, trying to help her time her breaths, because a panic attack immediately post surgery does not feel like it will help much at all. He speaks mostly to set up a cadence, a pattern for her to focus on while she gets her breathing under control. They'd always done that for each other even before they started dating, it doesn't surprise him to fall back into it now.
"It's okay," he says softly. She doesn't have to apologize for a panic attack, and that's the only apology he is daring to touch right now. "You should have a sip of water."
i want a world where everything lights up because i'm in it
Today, while Cassian was working from home and she was slowly losing her mind from boredom, she has tidied up. Her own space is still a little messy, clothes under the bed and the like, but the dishes are done, she put her toothbrush back in her room and made sure there was no hair in the shower drain and then while she was there she cleaned the shower and put all of Cassian's toiletries in the order she knows he likes. She had discovered long ago that it was the order in which he uses them, which is cute. And then, while she was there, she cleaned the toilet and the sink and made sure there was extra toilet paper at the ready. Then she'd moved on the kitchen and the living room and the tiny closet that counted as his laundry room, fetching her clean clothes and folding his neatly in the basket. To be so bored she has resorted to cleaning is a new low for her.
Zapata watches her with what can only be described as a dubious expression, even as her tail wags cheerfully at being noticed. "What? What else am I supposed to do, watch 24 hours of Law & Order SVU? I'm not that pathetic."
She's getting close.
Instead she cleans out the bloody fridge, which is when she finds the mix and match six pack of hard seltzer that must have been in there since before they broke up. Zapata looks at her now with suspicion.
"What! I can drink." Can she though? She glances at the clock, Cassian will be done with work in a half hour (or more), she'll put everything back, clean, and then reward herself with a drink. Or maybe all of them, test out that liver function. Once the fridge is spotless and the clock on the stove turns to five o'clock, Jyn cracks open the first drink. It's science!
no subject
He gets to go outside to shop, to walk his dog, but the streets are far emptier than usual (which is good!). He doesn't order as much takeout, which is also probably good, but he does try to support all of his favorite places within walking distance.
The biggest change of all comes in the form of Jyn Erso currently living at his house.
Her accident and follow up surgery have left her immuno-compromised, and she was staying with him already as a favor to Bodhi when the lockdown first hit so she just... never left. For her safety. He knows she wouldn't be a moron like some people, but she wouldn't be able to avoid going out entirely if she was by herself.
His timed work hours technically end, but he runs a few minutes over to finish up a particularly annoying calculation. When he finally steps out of his room to witness his dog regarding his current housemate with suspicion as she chugs down a white claw he honestly forgot he had shoved in the back of his fridge. It's gross, he hates it, it was Jyn's thing and he never shoved it off on anyone else.
"Are you sure you should be doing that?"
no subject
As if to explain, she reaches into his junk drawer -- which is exceedingly neat still considering the name -- and pulls out the mini breathalyzer. It had been a joke gift ages ago because Cassian is so conscientious about people not driving drunk, because he is a good friend, but now it is part of her experiment.
"My liver function is lower, right? So I don't have the tolerance I used to and this shit is 5%. So if we see how many White Claws it takes for me to be legally drunk, we can do the math to see how many drinks it would take if it was gin or mezcal." It's math, he likes math!
"So if I drink one, wait 15 minutes, it'll have hit my bloodstream and I can use this little guy." She shakes the breathalyzer before gesturing to the notepad on his counter with her start time of the drink (5:01pm) and a column for breathalyzer times and results. It's science if you take notes. "Repeat until .08, that's the experiment."
no subject
"Are you trying to lure me in with math and science as an excuse to get drunk? Are you really that bored?"
She got him with the math..... even when he's not on the job, he loves playing around with numbers and calculations. It doesn't quite outweigh his concern, even if she is over her surgery and is mostly healed, but! Her liver function is lower! Which leads him back around to they should test it, and he supposes he would rather it be in a responsible environment.
What is this quarantine life?? "Did you already start drinking?"
no subject
If Cassian needs clarification, he will ask. He's much better at communication than she is.
But then he gets to the most important question and Jyn grins, shifting the box of wheat thins she was considering before she decided food would ruin the experiment, to reveal her half empty first can. "I absolutely did."
no subject
"Only because I would rather you test it in a controlled environment." It's not direct agreement, but it's as good as she's gonna get. "The wheat thins will skew the data, so I you have not had any."