Jyn lifts her shoulders in a shrug, finding that motion more painful than intended, hissing out a pained noise that she immediately waves off. It is fine! He doesn't have to worry about her!
"Alright, you can stay as long as you want then." Maybe once he speaks to the doctor he will be more comfortable and won't press so much that she have someone with her. There is a long pause, thirty seven different emotions warring in her chest, only about three actually recognizable, before Jyn blurts out, tears leaking down her cheeks finally: "I'm glad you're here."
As much as she wants him to feel like he doesn't have to stay, she is incredibly grateful that he had come. She has always felt safe with him and right now that is what she wants to feel.
"Stop moving so much please." Every time she shuffles, she lets out some kind of pained noise and a grimace. He gets not wanting to be still, but she needs to test the waters, not move like normal. Like everything else, it worries him.
He doesn't want to address her agreement or the fact that he wants to stay. Part of him is just glad she's talking to him, part of him thinks it's weird how easy it would be to fall back into old habits.
His eyes widen briefly in surprise. She's glad he's here. Did he hear that right? He supposes he gets it on some level. Despite everything, he's still familiar, and they both knew each other so well. Maybe too well, given she walked away. He doesn't know what to say to it. Of course it's a comfort to have someone around, that's exactly why he's there.
It has nothing to do with him, specifically.
"I am glad you are okay," he says at last instead of anything else, and even though it's quiet, it's earnest. He wants to take her hand and offer comfort once she starts crying, but he can't bring himself to take those few more steps.
Maybe it's the tears already rolling down her cheeks or the abundance of emotions or maybe it is the cocktail of pain reliever and anesthesia but a pressure builds in Jyn's chest -- which is in and of itself mildly alarming -- and when she opens her mouth to breathe in some deep breathes or maybe scream, what comes out instead is a waterfall of half panicked, hurried words.
"I shouldn't have left. I was scared and I panicked and I know it's stupid because you've always been there for me and you never wavered, but it was so much, it felt like it was too much, everyone wanted to know when we'd get married and then you asked me to move in and I know it was the smart thing to do and I would have, I should have, but I panicked and I ran away like I always do--" She hiccups, breathing erratic and full of the panic she's babbling about. "--but I shouldn't have, I shouldn't have, because you were always the only person I felt like I could rely on and then I threw it away because I was scared and I was stupid and I didn't give you a chance and I'm so sorry, Cassian, I'm so sorry for what I did to us, I ruined it and I hurt you and I never ever want you to think you had anything to do with it, it was me and I was wrong and I was stupid and I'm so sorry, I'm so so sorry."
She trails off into more apologies, sorrys turning into sobs because losing an organ really put into relief that losing Cassian had hurt more, and it was a self-inflicted hurt.
All she wants is for Cassian to know that it wasn't his fault.
Of anything he might have expected following that initial phone call, Cassian certainly was not prepared for this.
He stares wide-eyed and confused and startled by the overflowing admission, torn between the emotional gut punch it is and the erratic rush of her breathing. He clambers to his feet and hurries over, worried it's going to send her into some kind of panic attack and just make all her injuries feel ten times worse.
"Jyn," he tries to keep his voice soft, soothing. He even holds out his hand, brushing his fingers over hers in case she wants to take it. "Jyn please, slow and careful breathing. You do not - now is not the time to work yourself up. I do not want you to hurt yourself more."
He doesn't know how to address... any of what she said. His emotions were already in overdrive from the accident, and now this, combined with his overarching concern for her well-being - he can't think on it. "We can talk later, okay? I promise. But now - please try and take a slow breath."
Not deep, because that might her her chest, but something, anything to quell her sobbing. It's still in him, that deep seated need to make sure she's okay.
She takes his hand immediately, holding it like it's a life raft, the only thing keeping her afloat. She may be weak from surgery and injury, but her grip remains as oddly strong as ever. He looks like a dreamy Impressionist painting through her tears, soft and watery, and she tries her best to focus on what he is saying even while she struggled to breathe without hyperventilating.
Which is what he wants too, for her to slow down.
He'd said something, she needs to focus on it. What had he said, what had he promised. Later, he'd promised later, if she breathed properly now. Focus, Jyn. Calm down. She knows she is having a panic attack, can feel the pressure in her chest, the way she feels overheated and nauseated. She knows but knowing never really makes it easier. Telling herself to breathe never really makes it easier either.
But she tries, breathing in and out slowly until it's too slow and makes her choke on the lack of air before she tries again. In and out, in and out, in and out. She can tell when she is breathing well because some of the tension fades from Cassian's shoulders. Her grip loosens slightly but she doesn't let go.
"'m okay. Sorry." She is full of apologies today, far too late.
When she takes it, he's struck by how much he's missed holding her hand. Their fingers wind together and he squeezes her hand back, despite how tightly she's gripping his.
He starts counting, slowly and quietly, trying to help her time her breaths, because a panic attack immediately post surgery does not feel like it will help much at all. He speaks mostly to set up a cadence, a pattern for her to focus on while she gets her breathing under control. They'd always done that for each other even before they started dating, it doesn't surprise him to fall back into it now.
"It's okay," he says softly. She doesn't have to apologize for a panic attack, and that's the only apology he is daring to touch right now. "You should have a sip of water."
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ohnofeelstho2018-12-15 08:15 pm
no subject
"Alright, you can stay as long as you want then." Maybe once he speaks to the doctor he will be more comfortable and won't press so much that she have someone with her. There is a long pause, thirty seven different emotions warring in her chest, only about three actually recognizable, before Jyn blurts out, tears leaking down her cheeks finally: "I'm glad you're here."
As much as she wants him to feel like he doesn't have to stay, she is incredibly grateful that he had come. She has always felt safe with him and right now that is what she wants to feel.
no subject
He doesn't want to address her agreement or the fact that he wants to stay. Part of him is just glad she's talking to him, part of him thinks it's weird how easy it would be to fall back into old habits.
His eyes widen briefly in surprise. She's glad he's here. Did he hear that right? He supposes he gets it on some level. Despite everything, he's still familiar, and they both knew each other so well. Maybe too well, given she walked away. He doesn't know what to say to it. Of course it's a comfort to have someone around, that's exactly why he's there.
It has nothing to do with him, specifically.
"I am glad you are okay," he says at last instead of anything else, and even though it's quiet, it's earnest. He wants to take her hand and offer comfort once she starts crying, but he can't bring himself to take those few more steps.
no subject
"I shouldn't have left. I was scared and I panicked and I know it's stupid because you've always been there for me and you never wavered, but it was so much, it felt like it was too much, everyone wanted to know when we'd get married and then you asked me to move in and I know it was the smart thing to do and I would have, I should have, but I panicked and I ran away like I always do--" She hiccups, breathing erratic and full of the panic she's babbling about. "--but I shouldn't have, I shouldn't have, because you were always the only person I felt like I could rely on and then I threw it away because I was scared and I was stupid and I didn't give you a chance and I'm so sorry, Cassian, I'm so sorry for what I did to us, I ruined it and I hurt you and I never ever want you to think you had anything to do with it, it was me and I was wrong and I was stupid and I'm so sorry, I'm so so sorry."
She trails off into more apologies, sorrys turning into sobs because losing an organ really put into relief that losing Cassian had hurt more, and it was a self-inflicted hurt.
All she wants is for Cassian to know that it wasn't his fault.
no subject
He stares wide-eyed and confused and startled by the overflowing admission, torn between the emotional gut punch it is and the erratic rush of her breathing. He clambers to his feet and hurries over, worried it's going to send her into some kind of panic attack and just make all her injuries feel ten times worse.
"Jyn," he tries to keep his voice soft, soothing. He even holds out his hand, brushing his fingers over hers in case she wants to take it. "Jyn please, slow and careful breathing. You do not - now is not the time to work yourself up. I do not want you to hurt yourself more."
He doesn't know how to address... any of what she said. His emotions were already in overdrive from the accident, and now this, combined with his overarching concern for her well-being - he can't think on it. "We can talk later, okay? I promise. But now - please try and take a slow breath."
Not deep, because that might her her chest, but something, anything to quell her sobbing. It's still in him, that deep seated need to make sure she's okay.
no subject
Which is what he wants too, for her to slow down.
He'd said something, she needs to focus on it. What had he said, what had he promised. Later, he'd promised later, if she breathed properly now. Focus, Jyn. Calm down. She knows she is having a panic attack, can feel the pressure in her chest, the way she feels overheated and nauseated. She knows but knowing never really makes it easier. Telling herself to breathe never really makes it easier either.
But she tries, breathing in and out slowly until it's too slow and makes her choke on the lack of air before she tries again. In and out, in and out, in and out. She can tell when she is breathing well because some of the tension fades from Cassian's shoulders. Her grip loosens slightly but she doesn't let go.
"'m okay. Sorry." She is full of apologies today, far too late.
no subject
He starts counting, slowly and quietly, trying to help her time her breaths, because a panic attack immediately post surgery does not feel like it will help much at all. He speaks mostly to set up a cadence, a pattern for her to focus on while she gets her breathing under control. They'd always done that for each other even before they started dating, it doesn't surprise him to fall back into it now.
"It's okay," he says softly. She doesn't have to apologize for a panic attack, and that's the only apology he is daring to touch right now. "You should have a sip of water."