He does not deserve her sympathy or her kindness, but he eats it up anyway, hoarding her excuses and reasoning. Cassian always knew why he was fighting, it motivated him even in his darkest moments: the galaxy deserved better. It hasn't changed, but now Rey is key to it too. He has to fight, because he has to create a place where she can be safe and happy, free from the Empire. It's a personal stake he hasn't had since he was a child himself.
He is protecting her. He closes his eyes and tries to repeat it over and over. "I know. That's all I want for her. I would do anything for her. But I -"
But there might be too much blood on them. He draws in a sharp breath, squeezing her hands again even as his own shake more. "I can't hold her. I can't touch her, Jyn. How can I? A man is dead and how can I hold her with the same hands that killed him?"
"They're the same hands that brought her into this world," Jyn reminds him. She wants to tell him they can quit, they don't have to stay here. The Alliance isn't conscripted, they can leave, walk away without slowly killing themselves. She only cared about survival when they plucked her out of prison, but now with Rey, with Cassian, she suddenly cares about life and they can't live if their mission destroys them.
"She needs you, Cassian." There's the slightest pause, an afterthought. "I need you."
He has a hard time imagining either of them needing him right now, feeling selfish for the comfort he takes of it. It takes him a few seconds, but he whispers out his reply. "I need you too."
Both of them, he's never needed anything or anyone more, but he just feels like he doesn't deserve it, and the memory of Larek bleeding out won't let him shake it. Two hours ago he stabbed a man, and it was easier before Rey, a fact he realized the moment he thought about his tiny daughter waiting at home. Before he realized he hadn't killed anyone since before she was born. "I killed someone, and she's just - she has no idea. She deserves better than me."
"No she does not." There's a sharpness to her tone that wasn't there before, bitten down on but not quite disguised.
"She deserves her father, Cassian Jeron Andor. She deserves the man who stayed up with her when she couldn't sleep, who changed her when she was a mess, who makes ship noises to make her eat those disgusting baby foods. The man who sings her to sleep and is teaching her sign language so she can tell us what she needs, who works so hard to care for us and protect us, who does more than anyone should ask of him. She deserves you, Cassian."
She stands up, steps back so Rey is in full view, lighting up when she sees Cassian and smacking her chubby hands against the tub. "Pick her up. The galaxy asks too much of you, I know. But all she wants from you is love."
Her tone jerks his attention, and he stares at her, even if everything about him from posture to expression is still just haunted.
The next pile of reassurance that follow chip away bit by bit at the force field of guilt walling him in. He's always had a hard time coming to terms with being an actual good parent, but he knows, objectively, that these are all things he's done for Rey.
When Jyn stands up, his gaze drops down to his tiny daughter in the tub, who just looks up at him with nothing but love in her eyes. He can't even argue against it; if there is one thing he knows without question, it's that he loves Rey. He can always give Rey love.
Cassian shifts over so he's kneeling outside the tub, and Rey stretches her little arms up towards him. She bleats a sound both cheerful and questioning, because hello! Why has her papa not picked her up yet!
He reaches his hand out first, and her tiny fingers brush against his. He exhales a breath he didn't know he was holding and lets her grab his finger. She tugs, because this is still not enough attention!!
"Hello, little star." Rey chirrups and wriggles her butt in closer. She gets her impatience from her mother, clearly. "Papa did not have a very good day."
He will pick her up soon! Baby steps towards the baby.
Rey is so impatient, tugging his hand and stretching to reach him. If she could talk yet Jyn is sure she would be making demands. Pick me up, right now!
Jyn voice softens again, but the same ferocity is there. She would tear the Death Star apart with her bare hands if it meant Cassian could only have good days. Where bad days only amounted to baby tantrums and minor inconveniences. "Good or bad days, you'll always have us."
Her breath puffs out in a sigh. "She loves you Cassian, no matter what. And so do I. Always."
Rey is so ready and pushy for his attention, how could he have possibly denied her? Cassian's inability to say no to her is at war with how much he hates himself.
It's Jyn's declarations that have him leaning over in closer, letting Rey pap at his face. He shuts his eyes tight, because her hands are so soft and gentle and clean and he's still her papa, no matter what he's done. It doesn't matter to her.
"Always," he repeats, and he reaches over to scoop her out of the tub before he can stop himself. Rey trills happily because finally, and he tucks her in against him. She's so warm and alive and full of love, it reminds Cassian of his own capacity for love too.
"Come here," he says quietly. Not just Rey though. "Please."
Jyn sinks to her knees next to him, reaching out automatically to smooth her hand through his hair at the back of his head, curling her hand around the back of his neck.
"Always, Cassian. We're a team." They are. Not just a work team, not just a fake married team, a real team down to their core. Ride or die, in it to win it. Jyn couldn't imagine doing this with anyone else, she isn't sure she could do it with anyone else, even if Rey wasn't in the picture. She and Cassian simply fit.
It was like they said: they were each other's glue.
He sinks against Jyn, cradling his baby in his arms and shuddering under the weight of all the affection. Part of him still feels like he doesn't deserve this. But Jyn's right. They are a team. They're a good team.
They're a family.
Rey snuggles against him, idly papping at his chest with one tiny hand and babbling nonsense about her day, clearly. Words fail him for a little while, but the touch and attention from them both soothes his nerves and makes him feel human again. They do fit; they were pieces he was missing all day, pieces he was afraid he'd broken when he killed that man. It was a cold reminder of their reality.
He focuses instead on how warm Rey is in his arms, how comforting Jyn's hand is as it winds through his hair. They love him. He is loved. It's like a mantra.
He tilts his head up to look at Jyn. "I love you too," he says back finally, a few minutes late. "And Rey. I do not always feel like I deserve it, especially now, but I love you both with everything I have. I am still capable of that."
He might love them more than he hates himself, but those feelings are still there no matter what awful things he does. He says it aloud as a reminder to himself.
"Don't think of it as something you deserve, then. Think of it as something you have, like a limb, or an organ. Maybe we don't deserve Rey, I don't know. But we have her, our little heart."
Jyn struggles with feeling like she didn't deserve anything, ever, but Rey is theirs no matter what. He had told her that.
She offers him a weak smile, leaning down the tiniest bit to press the softest kiss to his mouth. "And you have me, no matter what. We're in this together, Andor."
That feels... easier. Rey is something they have. She isn't something he ever wants to part with, no matter how much he might hate himself on any given day. She has all of his heart, alongside Jyn. No matter what he's done, they're still both here. He just has to keep telling himself that when things are really bad.
He doesn't smile back, but he does return her very faint kiss, and he can feel some of the tension slipping away slowly.
"As long as she exists, and as long as you are still here, I... I must be doing something a little good in this galaxy."
It can't all be bad. He can't completely be the terrible man he thinks he is. Not with them in his arms.
It's going to be okay. Cassian is going to be okay, he'll figure out that he isn't a monster one day. When they're away from it, when they're not living this fake life every single day, when they have time to breathe.
It feels like a little too much pressure, like Cassian's happiness depends on her, but she knows that is not how he meant it. She's only a reminder and that isn't too daunting. She's happy to remind him that he is a good man.
"You are," she reassures him. Whatever else she was going to say when Rey presses her legs into Cassian's lap and stands herself up like she wants to do a backflip, headbutting Jyn directly in the face. Jyn's hands lift to press her fingers to the bridge of her nose and automatically to the back of Rey's head.
The baby, of course, is fine, babbling from her new vantage point and jiggling in her papa's arms, while her mother's eyes are watering. "How are babies so strong/"
It's not that his happiness is dependent on her. She just helps him feel capable of it. He'll clarify it later, when he's thinking much more clearly.
He doesn't laugh like he might usually when Rey attempts her backflip, but his dancing baby draws the smallest of smiles onto his face while he holds her up. "I ask myself that all the time. One day she is going to break a nose. Are you okay?"
Rey blows a raspberry, then giggles, still dancing about in Cassian's lap as she talks at both of her parents.
"Thank you," he says quietly. "For reminding me I am more than my job."
Not really, but there is something faintly demoralizing about getting clocked in the face by a baby. Still, she offers Cassian a smile, nose wrinkling as she rubs it still.
"You have always been more than your job. You are more than a rebel, more than a papa, more than a husband. Cassian Andor is actually pretty cool all by himself. No one else I know knows all the words to the theme of Mr Popper's Porgs even if you pretend that you don't. I've never met anyone so ill equipped to relax yet capable of reading a book in one sitting at the same time. You make the best bantha tacos. You are the cutest thing in the entire galaxy when you first wake up, all sleepy and quiet. You are wonderful and kind and considerate and annoying when I am trying to be avoidant and you care so much about your loved ones. Cassian, you are excellent. Your job is just a job."
He's sort of awed listening to her go on, but the smile grows the tiniest bit deeper. It doesn't feel difficult to believe her now. He's not sure what changed, and maybe some of it still sounds fake, but he trusts Jyn not to lie to him.
He doesn't know what to say to that, to such a kind string of words aimed directly at him, so he just twists a little and leans in to press his lips to hers. It's a very soft kiss, but he lingers with it, hoping the gratitude and easy feelings she's helped back into him come through.
"I love you," he says, the moment vaguely shattered by Rey's little hand stretching up to pap his cheek.
"You better." She smiles, scooping up Rey's hand and kissing her fingers until the baby laughs happily, pulling away from her mama to kiss her papa's shoulder the same way. Smooch smooch smooch smooch smooch. She's really sort of just... tonguing his shirt but.
The sight still makes Jyn's heart explode.
"Now. Here's what's going to happen. You're going to shower while I finish cleaning and then you're going to make dinner." She's going to put his hands to work on something that isn't death. "While you're making dinner I'm going to shower and when I'm done it'll be ready and time to eat. Once we've eaten you're going to help me make the bed while Rey makes her bed." AKA plays with the sheet in her crib while they're busy before they eventually take over and make up the crib as well. "Then we're going to sleep and you're going to take a half day tomorrow so we can go to the park."
It would be a red flag if he missed work, he'll have to go in like normal, but that doesn't mean he has to stay.
It's definitely not a real kiss, but Cassian takes and accepts it as one, leaning down to return a kiss to his daughter's tiny head. He feels so gentle against the murder such a short time ago, but Rey only cares that he is her father and he loves her. And he does. He loves them both so much it hurts his heart sometimes.
He looks up at Jyn when she launches into the plan, hanging on every word. It's good to have something more to focus on, to have a strategy forward to swing him back into normalcy. Having it all laid out is useful, maybe she knows that about him. He offers her a tiny smile, a tiny nod. "Okay," he agrees, without any sense of anxiety about it. "I like the sound of that. All of that."
Yes, even taking some time off of work. He rarely does, but he thinks a few hours at the park with his family is the perfect medicine to the terrible guilt inside him.
Cassian likes having a plan, Jyn knows that. She knows having something to focus on, something concrete to do, will help pull him out of whatever guilt spiral he had fallen into.
"Do you think you want to give Rey a bath, too?" She probably doesn't need it, but Rey loves the bath; she loves splashing and wiggling and pouring water from one cup to the next to the next to the tub. Maybe seeing his daughter so easily entertained will do more to sooth his frayed nerves.
She knows exactly how to help him, how to get through to him; she knows what makes him tick, what helps and what he likes. She truly is his partner, in every sense of the word.
"Yes." He's going to have to lather lotion on his hands later, but it seems a small price to pay. Rey in the bath is, usually, one of the best things about being a parent. "Can we do it together? As a family?"
He just... wants to be with them both for a little while longer, before he showers, before the daily tasks resume. He knows the routine will help, but right now the idea of parting from either of them is too much.
Honestly it is such an easy ask that Jyn isn't going to deny him some simple, normal fun with their cheerful water baby. She leans over to tickle under Rey's chin, drawing a bleated giggle before she looks up at her mama.
"Do you want to have a bath, starshine?" Rey bleats again, more excitedm recognizing the word now that it's directed at her. Satisfied with her answer, Jyn stretches up to turn on the tab and start filling up the tub while Rey squawks and bounces in happy anticipation in Cassian's arms.
It would have been mean to use the tub as her playpen and not give her a bath.
She starts to excitedly bounce in his arms, and Cassian starts to feel settled. His smile deepens more.
"Do not take a flying leap with your clothes on, you silly star."
The baby's got the wriggles, but he honestly appreciate the effort it takes to finagle all her clothes off while she refuses to stop bouncing. Jyn helps, Jyn laughs, Rey laughs, and the sounds of it begin to chase out the trauma. When the water is warm and full enough, he plops Rey inside the tub to her very eager delight, and the three of them together make a mess of bathtime. Their daughter soaks them, but she gets clean, and if she gets to play in the water a little longer than normal, Cassian can't say he minds.
No matter what he does, he can and will still love them, just like they love him.
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ohnofeelstho2017-05-14 03:23 pm
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He is protecting her. He closes his eyes and tries to repeat it over and over. "I know. That's all I want for her. I would do anything for her. But I -"
But there might be too much blood on them. He draws in a sharp breath, squeezing her hands again even as his own shake more. "I can't hold her. I can't touch her, Jyn. How can I? A man is dead and how can I hold her with the same hands that killed him?"
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"She needs you, Cassian." There's the slightest pause, an afterthought. "I need you."
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Both of them, he's never needed anything or anyone more, but he just feels like he doesn't deserve it, and the memory of Larek bleeding out won't let him shake it. Two hours ago he stabbed a man, and it was easier before Rey, a fact he realized the moment he thought about his tiny daughter waiting at home. Before he realized he hadn't killed anyone since before she was born. "I killed someone, and she's just - she has no idea. She deserves better than me."
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"She deserves her father, Cassian Jeron Andor. She deserves the man who stayed up with her when she couldn't sleep, who changed her when she was a mess, who makes ship noises to make her eat those disgusting baby foods. The man who sings her to sleep and is teaching her sign language so she can tell us what she needs, who works so hard to care for us and protect us, who does more than anyone should ask of him. She deserves you, Cassian."
She stands up, steps back so Rey is in full view, lighting up when she sees Cassian and smacking her chubby hands against the tub. "Pick her up. The galaxy asks too much of you, I know. But all she wants from you is love."
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The next pile of reassurance that follow chip away bit by bit at the force field of guilt walling him in. He's always had a hard time coming to terms with being an actual good parent, but he knows, objectively, that these are all things he's done for Rey.
When Jyn stands up, his gaze drops down to his tiny daughter in the tub, who just looks up at him with nothing but love in her eyes. He can't even argue against it; if there is one thing he knows without question, it's that he loves Rey. He can always give Rey love.
Cassian shifts over so he's kneeling outside the tub, and Rey stretches her little arms up towards him. She bleats a sound both cheerful and questioning, because hello! Why has her papa not picked her up yet!
He reaches his hand out first, and her tiny fingers brush against his. He exhales a breath he didn't know he was holding and lets her grab his finger. She tugs, because this is still not enough attention!!
"Hello, little star." Rey chirrups and wriggles her butt in closer. She gets her impatience from her mother, clearly. "Papa did not have a very good day."
He will pick her up soon! Baby steps towards the baby.
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Jyn voice softens again, but the same ferocity is there. She would tear the Death Star apart with her bare hands if it meant Cassian could only have good days. Where bad days only amounted to baby tantrums and minor inconveniences. "Good or bad days, you'll always have us."
Her breath puffs out in a sigh. "She loves you Cassian, no matter what. And so do I. Always."
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It's Jyn's declarations that have him leaning over in closer, letting Rey pap at his face. He shuts his eyes tight, because her hands are so soft and gentle and clean and he's still her papa, no matter what he's done. It doesn't matter to her.
"Always," he repeats, and he reaches over to scoop her out of the tub before he can stop himself. Rey trills happily because finally, and he tucks her in against him. She's so warm and alive and full of love, it reminds Cassian of his own capacity for love too.
"Come here," he says quietly. Not just Rey though. "Please."
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"Always, Cassian. We're a team." They are. Not just a work team, not just a fake married team, a real team down to their core. Ride or die, in it to win it. Jyn couldn't imagine doing this with anyone else, she isn't sure she could do it with anyone else, even if Rey wasn't in the picture. She and Cassian simply fit.
It was like they said: they were each other's glue.
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They're a family.
Rey snuggles against him, idly papping at his chest with one tiny hand and babbling nonsense about her day, clearly. Words fail him for a little while, but the touch and attention from them both soothes his nerves and makes him feel human again. They do fit; they were pieces he was missing all day, pieces he was afraid he'd broken when he killed that man. It was a cold reminder of their reality.
He focuses instead on how warm Rey is in his arms, how comforting Jyn's hand is as it winds through his hair. They love him. He is loved. It's like a mantra.
He tilts his head up to look at Jyn. "I love you too," he says back finally, a few minutes late. "And Rey. I do not always feel like I deserve it, especially now, but I love you both with everything I have. I am still capable of that."
He might love them more than he hates himself, but those feelings are still there no matter what awful things he does. He says it aloud as a reminder to himself.
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Jyn struggles with feeling like she didn't deserve anything, ever, but Rey is theirs no matter what. He had told her that.
She offers him a weak smile, leaning down the tiniest bit to press the softest kiss to his mouth. "And you have me, no matter what. We're in this together, Andor."
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That feels... easier. Rey is something they have. She isn't something he ever wants to part with, no matter how much he might hate himself on any given day. She has all of his heart, alongside Jyn. No matter what he's done, they're still both here. He just has to keep telling himself that when things are really bad.
He doesn't smile back, but he does return her very faint kiss, and he can feel some of the tension slipping away slowly.
"As long as she exists, and as long as you are still here, I... I must be doing something a little good in this galaxy."
It can't all be bad. He can't completely be the terrible man he thinks he is. Not with them in his arms.
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It feels like a little too much pressure, like Cassian's happiness depends on her, but she knows that is not how he meant it. She's only a reminder and that isn't too daunting. She's happy to remind him that he is a good man.
"You are," she reassures him. Whatever else she was going to say when Rey presses her legs into Cassian's lap and stands herself up like she wants to do a backflip, headbutting Jyn directly in the face. Jyn's hands lift to press her fingers to the bridge of her nose and automatically to the back of Rey's head.
The baby, of course, is fine, babbling from her new vantage point and jiggling in her papa's arms, while her mother's eyes are watering. "How are babies so strong/"
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He doesn't laugh like he might usually when Rey attempts her backflip, but his dancing baby draws the smallest of smiles onto his face while he holds her up. "I ask myself that all the time. One day she is going to break a nose. Are you okay?"
Rey blows a raspberry, then giggles, still dancing about in Cassian's lap as she talks at both of her parents.
"Thank you," he says quietly. "For reminding me I am more than my job."
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Not really, but there is something faintly demoralizing about getting clocked in the face by a baby. Still, she offers Cassian a smile, nose wrinkling as she rubs it still.
"You have always been more than your job. You are more than a rebel, more than a papa, more than a husband. Cassian Andor is actually pretty cool all by himself. No one else I know knows all the words to the theme of Mr Popper's Porgs even if you pretend that you don't. I've never met anyone so ill equipped to relax yet capable of reading a book in one sitting at the same time. You make the best bantha tacos. You are the cutest thing in the entire galaxy when you first wake up, all sleepy and quiet. You are wonderful and kind and considerate and annoying when I am trying to be avoidant and you care so much about your loved ones. Cassian, you are excellent. Your job is just a job."
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He doesn't know what to say to that, to such a kind string of words aimed directly at him, so he just twists a little and leans in to press his lips to hers. It's a very soft kiss, but he lingers with it, hoping the gratitude and easy feelings she's helped back into him come through.
"I love you," he says, the moment vaguely shattered by Rey's little hand stretching up to pap his cheek.
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The sight still makes Jyn's heart explode.
"Now. Here's what's going to happen. You're going to shower while I finish cleaning and then you're going to make dinner." She's going to put his hands to work on something that isn't death. "While you're making dinner I'm going to shower and when I'm done it'll be ready and time to eat. Once we've eaten you're going to help me make the bed while Rey makes her bed." AKA plays with the sheet in her crib while they're busy before they eventually take over and make up the crib as well. "Then we're going to sleep and you're going to take a half day tomorrow so we can go to the park."
It would be a red flag if he missed work, he'll have to go in like normal, but that doesn't mean he has to stay.
"Got it?"
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He looks up at Jyn when she launches into the plan, hanging on every word. It's good to have something more to focus on, to have a strategy forward to swing him back into normalcy. Having it all laid out is useful, maybe she knows that about him. He offers her a tiny smile, a tiny nod. "Okay," he agrees, without any sense of anxiety about it. "I like the sound of that. All of that."
Yes, even taking some time off of work. He rarely does, but he thinks a few hours at the park with his family is the perfect medicine to the terrible guilt inside him.
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"Do you think you want to give Rey a bath, too?" She probably doesn't need it, but Rey loves the bath; she loves splashing and wiggling and pouring water from one cup to the next to the next to the tub. Maybe seeing his daughter so easily entertained will do more to sooth his frayed nerves.
no subject
"Yes." He's going to have to lather lotion on his hands later, but it seems a small price to pay. Rey in the bath is, usually, one of the best things about being a parent. "Can we do it together? As a family?"
He just... wants to be with them both for a little while longer, before he showers, before the daily tasks resume. He knows the routine will help, but right now the idea of parting from either of them is too much.
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Honestly it is such an easy ask that Jyn isn't going to deny him some simple, normal fun with their cheerful water baby. She leans over to tickle under Rey's chin, drawing a bleated giggle before she looks up at her mama.
"Do you want to have a bath, starshine?" Rey bleats again, more excitedm recognizing the word now that it's directed at her. Satisfied with her answer, Jyn stretches up to turn on the tab and start filling up the tub while Rey squawks and bounces in happy anticipation in Cassian's arms.
It would have been mean to use the tub as her playpen and not give her a bath.
no subject
"Do not take a flying leap with your clothes on, you silly star."
The baby's got the wriggles, but he honestly appreciate the effort it takes to finagle all her clothes off while she refuses to stop bouncing. Jyn helps, Jyn laughs, Rey laughs, and the sounds of it begin to chase out the trauma. When the water is warm and full enough, he plops Rey inside the tub to her very eager delight, and the three of them together make a mess of bathtime. Their daughter soaks them, but she gets clean, and if she gets to play in the water a little longer than normal, Cassian can't say he minds.
No matter what he does, he can and will still love them, just like they love him.
no subject