"Don't think of it as something you deserve, then. Think of it as something you have, like a limb, or an organ. Maybe we don't deserve Rey, I don't know. But we have her, our little heart."
Jyn struggles with feeling like she didn't deserve anything, ever, but Rey is theirs no matter what. He had told her that.
She offers him a weak smile, leaning down the tiniest bit to press the softest kiss to his mouth. "And you have me, no matter what. We're in this together, Andor."
That feels... easier. Rey is something they have. She isn't something he ever wants to part with, no matter how much he might hate himself on any given day. She has all of his heart, alongside Jyn. No matter what he's done, they're still both here. He just has to keep telling himself that when things are really bad.
He doesn't smile back, but he does return her very faint kiss, and he can feel some of the tension slipping away slowly.
"As long as she exists, and as long as you are still here, I... I must be doing something a little good in this galaxy."
It can't all be bad. He can't completely be the terrible man he thinks he is. Not with them in his arms.
It's going to be okay. Cassian is going to be okay, he'll figure out that he isn't a monster one day. When they're away from it, when they're not living this fake life every single day, when they have time to breathe.
It feels like a little too much pressure, like Cassian's happiness depends on her, but she knows that is not how he meant it. She's only a reminder and that isn't too daunting. She's happy to remind him that he is a good man.
"You are," she reassures him. Whatever else she was going to say when Rey presses her legs into Cassian's lap and stands herself up like she wants to do a backflip, headbutting Jyn directly in the face. Jyn's hands lift to press her fingers to the bridge of her nose and automatically to the back of Rey's head.
The baby, of course, is fine, babbling from her new vantage point and jiggling in her papa's arms, while her mother's eyes are watering. "How are babies so strong/"
It's not that his happiness is dependent on her. She just helps him feel capable of it. He'll clarify it later, when he's thinking much more clearly.
He doesn't laugh like he might usually when Rey attempts her backflip, but his dancing baby draws the smallest of smiles onto his face while he holds her up. "I ask myself that all the time. One day she is going to break a nose. Are you okay?"
Rey blows a raspberry, then giggles, still dancing about in Cassian's lap as she talks at both of her parents.
"Thank you," he says quietly. "For reminding me I am more than my job."
Not really, but there is something faintly demoralizing about getting clocked in the face by a baby. Still, she offers Cassian a smile, nose wrinkling as she rubs it still.
"You have always been more than your job. You are more than a rebel, more than a papa, more than a husband. Cassian Andor is actually pretty cool all by himself. No one else I know knows all the words to the theme of Mr Popper's Porgs even if you pretend that you don't. I've never met anyone so ill equipped to relax yet capable of reading a book in one sitting at the same time. You make the best bantha tacos. You are the cutest thing in the entire galaxy when you first wake up, all sleepy and quiet. You are wonderful and kind and considerate and annoying when I am trying to be avoidant and you care so much about your loved ones. Cassian, you are excellent. Your job is just a job."
He's sort of awed listening to her go on, but the smile grows the tiniest bit deeper. It doesn't feel difficult to believe her now. He's not sure what changed, and maybe some of it still sounds fake, but he trusts Jyn not to lie to him.
He doesn't know what to say to that, to such a kind string of words aimed directly at him, so he just twists a little and leans in to press his lips to hers. It's a very soft kiss, but he lingers with it, hoping the gratitude and easy feelings she's helped back into him come through.
"I love you," he says, the moment vaguely shattered by Rey's little hand stretching up to pap his cheek.
"You better." She smiles, scooping up Rey's hand and kissing her fingers until the baby laughs happily, pulling away from her mama to kiss her papa's shoulder the same way. Smooch smooch smooch smooch smooch. She's really sort of just... tonguing his shirt but.
The sight still makes Jyn's heart explode.
"Now. Here's what's going to happen. You're going to shower while I finish cleaning and then you're going to make dinner." She's going to put his hands to work on something that isn't death. "While you're making dinner I'm going to shower and when I'm done it'll be ready and time to eat. Once we've eaten you're going to help me make the bed while Rey makes her bed." AKA plays with the sheet in her crib while they're busy before they eventually take over and make up the crib as well. "Then we're going to sleep and you're going to take a half day tomorrow so we can go to the park."
It would be a red flag if he missed work, he'll have to go in like normal, but that doesn't mean he has to stay.
It's definitely not a real kiss, but Cassian takes and accepts it as one, leaning down to return a kiss to his daughter's tiny head. He feels so gentle against the murder such a short time ago, but Rey only cares that he is her father and he loves her. And he does. He loves them both so much it hurts his heart sometimes.
He looks up at Jyn when she launches into the plan, hanging on every word. It's good to have something more to focus on, to have a strategy forward to swing him back into normalcy. Having it all laid out is useful, maybe she knows that about him. He offers her a tiny smile, a tiny nod. "Okay," he agrees, without any sense of anxiety about it. "I like the sound of that. All of that."
Yes, even taking some time off of work. He rarely does, but he thinks a few hours at the park with his family is the perfect medicine to the terrible guilt inside him.
Cassian likes having a plan, Jyn knows that. She knows having something to focus on, something concrete to do, will help pull him out of whatever guilt spiral he had fallen into.
"Do you think you want to give Rey a bath, too?" She probably doesn't need it, but Rey loves the bath; she loves splashing and wiggling and pouring water from one cup to the next to the next to the tub. Maybe seeing his daughter so easily entertained will do more to sooth his frayed nerves.
She knows exactly how to help him, how to get through to him; she knows what makes him tick, what helps and what he likes. She truly is his partner, in every sense of the word.
"Yes." He's going to have to lather lotion on his hands later, but it seems a small price to pay. Rey in the bath is, usually, one of the best things about being a parent. "Can we do it together? As a family?"
He just... wants to be with them both for a little while longer, before he showers, before the daily tasks resume. He knows the routine will help, but right now the idea of parting from either of them is too much.
Honestly it is such an easy ask that Jyn isn't going to deny him some simple, normal fun with their cheerful water baby. She leans over to tickle under Rey's chin, drawing a bleated giggle before she looks up at her mama.
"Do you want to have a bath, starshine?" Rey bleats again, more excitedm recognizing the word now that it's directed at her. Satisfied with her answer, Jyn stretches up to turn on the tab and start filling up the tub while Rey squawks and bounces in happy anticipation in Cassian's arms.
It would have been mean to use the tub as her playpen and not give her a bath.
She starts to excitedly bounce in his arms, and Cassian starts to feel settled. His smile deepens more.
"Do not take a flying leap with your clothes on, you silly star."
The baby's got the wriggles, but he honestly appreciate the effort it takes to finagle all her clothes off while she refuses to stop bouncing. Jyn helps, Jyn laughs, Rey laughs, and the sounds of it begin to chase out the trauma. When the water is warm and full enough, he plops Rey inside the tub to her very eager delight, and the three of them together make a mess of bathtime. Their daughter soaks them, but she gets clean, and if she gets to play in the water a little longer than normal, Cassian can't say he minds.
No matter what he does, he can and will still love them, just like they love him.
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ohnofeelstho2017-05-14 03:23 pm
no subject
Jyn struggles with feeling like she didn't deserve anything, ever, but Rey is theirs no matter what. He had told her that.
She offers him a weak smile, leaning down the tiniest bit to press the softest kiss to his mouth. "And you have me, no matter what. We're in this together, Andor."
no subject
That feels... easier. Rey is something they have. She isn't something he ever wants to part with, no matter how much he might hate himself on any given day. She has all of his heart, alongside Jyn. No matter what he's done, they're still both here. He just has to keep telling himself that when things are really bad.
He doesn't smile back, but he does return her very faint kiss, and he can feel some of the tension slipping away slowly.
"As long as she exists, and as long as you are still here, I... I must be doing something a little good in this galaxy."
It can't all be bad. He can't completely be the terrible man he thinks he is. Not with them in his arms.
no subject
It feels like a little too much pressure, like Cassian's happiness depends on her, but she knows that is not how he meant it. She's only a reminder and that isn't too daunting. She's happy to remind him that he is a good man.
"You are," she reassures him. Whatever else she was going to say when Rey presses her legs into Cassian's lap and stands herself up like she wants to do a backflip, headbutting Jyn directly in the face. Jyn's hands lift to press her fingers to the bridge of her nose and automatically to the back of Rey's head.
The baby, of course, is fine, babbling from her new vantage point and jiggling in her papa's arms, while her mother's eyes are watering. "How are babies so strong/"
no subject
He doesn't laugh like he might usually when Rey attempts her backflip, but his dancing baby draws the smallest of smiles onto his face while he holds her up. "I ask myself that all the time. One day she is going to break a nose. Are you okay?"
Rey blows a raspberry, then giggles, still dancing about in Cassian's lap as she talks at both of her parents.
"Thank you," he says quietly. "For reminding me I am more than my job."
no subject
Not really, but there is something faintly demoralizing about getting clocked in the face by a baby. Still, she offers Cassian a smile, nose wrinkling as she rubs it still.
"You have always been more than your job. You are more than a rebel, more than a papa, more than a husband. Cassian Andor is actually pretty cool all by himself. No one else I know knows all the words to the theme of Mr Popper's Porgs even if you pretend that you don't. I've never met anyone so ill equipped to relax yet capable of reading a book in one sitting at the same time. You make the best bantha tacos. You are the cutest thing in the entire galaxy when you first wake up, all sleepy and quiet. You are wonderful and kind and considerate and annoying when I am trying to be avoidant and you care so much about your loved ones. Cassian, you are excellent. Your job is just a job."
no subject
He doesn't know what to say to that, to such a kind string of words aimed directly at him, so he just twists a little and leans in to press his lips to hers. It's a very soft kiss, but he lingers with it, hoping the gratitude and easy feelings she's helped back into him come through.
"I love you," he says, the moment vaguely shattered by Rey's little hand stretching up to pap his cheek.
no subject
The sight still makes Jyn's heart explode.
"Now. Here's what's going to happen. You're going to shower while I finish cleaning and then you're going to make dinner." She's going to put his hands to work on something that isn't death. "While you're making dinner I'm going to shower and when I'm done it'll be ready and time to eat. Once we've eaten you're going to help me make the bed while Rey makes her bed." AKA plays with the sheet in her crib while they're busy before they eventually take over and make up the crib as well. "Then we're going to sleep and you're going to take a half day tomorrow so we can go to the park."
It would be a red flag if he missed work, he'll have to go in like normal, but that doesn't mean he has to stay.
"Got it?"
no subject
He looks up at Jyn when she launches into the plan, hanging on every word. It's good to have something more to focus on, to have a strategy forward to swing him back into normalcy. Having it all laid out is useful, maybe she knows that about him. He offers her a tiny smile, a tiny nod. "Okay," he agrees, without any sense of anxiety about it. "I like the sound of that. All of that."
Yes, even taking some time off of work. He rarely does, but he thinks a few hours at the park with his family is the perfect medicine to the terrible guilt inside him.
no subject
"Do you think you want to give Rey a bath, too?" She probably doesn't need it, but Rey loves the bath; she loves splashing and wiggling and pouring water from one cup to the next to the next to the tub. Maybe seeing his daughter so easily entertained will do more to sooth his frayed nerves.
no subject
"Yes." He's going to have to lather lotion on his hands later, but it seems a small price to pay. Rey in the bath is, usually, one of the best things about being a parent. "Can we do it together? As a family?"
He just... wants to be with them both for a little while longer, before he showers, before the daily tasks resume. He knows the routine will help, but right now the idea of parting from either of them is too much.
no subject
Honestly it is such an easy ask that Jyn isn't going to deny him some simple, normal fun with their cheerful water baby. She leans over to tickle under Rey's chin, drawing a bleated giggle before she looks up at her mama.
"Do you want to have a bath, starshine?" Rey bleats again, more excitedm recognizing the word now that it's directed at her. Satisfied with her answer, Jyn stretches up to turn on the tab and start filling up the tub while Rey squawks and bounces in happy anticipation in Cassian's arms.
It would have been mean to use the tub as her playpen and not give her a bath.
no subject
"Do not take a flying leap with your clothes on, you silly star."
The baby's got the wriggles, but he honestly appreciate the effort it takes to finagle all her clothes off while she refuses to stop bouncing. Jyn helps, Jyn laughs, Rey laughs, and the sounds of it begin to chase out the trauma. When the water is warm and full enough, he plops Rey inside the tub to her very eager delight, and the three of them together make a mess of bathtime. Their daughter soaks them, but she gets clean, and if she gets to play in the water a little longer than normal, Cassian can't say he minds.
No matter what he does, he can and will still love them, just like they love him.
no subject