Jyn doesn't look up right away, focused on the datapads in front of her because she may be a rebel and a criminal and a thief, but she's always been Galen's daughter and throwing oneself into work as a coping mechanism is a genetic trait. She's practically drowning in it now but it doesn't give her time to think about anything else.
"I told you I don't want to talk about it, Lissi. I'm perfectly--" She looks up, sentence cut off before she can say what she perfectly is. Fine, probably. Her eyes go wide quickly, anxious, and she half stands behind the desk. "Cassian. Is Rey alright? Bodhi said he would be fine until you got home and it was less than a half an hour..."
He wouldn't have knocked if Rey were in trouble, he wouldn't have waited for her to notice him. She abruptly sits back down.
He's not surprised she's working hard enough to not even notice it's him at first. It was always one of the many ways they were alike, burying themselves in busywork as a means of avoidance. Cassian closes the door carefully behind him, stepping further into her office. He's only been here a few times, most of which has been after hours to poke around with Jyn, but there are little signs of her all over. He'd be fond if he wasn't so anxious.
His voice is quiet. "You and I both know she is not really alright." She is a very sad and fussy baby. "Bodhi is with her now. But I don't really understand why you have called Bodhi here in the first place."
Bodhi hadn't actually said in many details. He'd just kind of angrily yelled at him about how stupid they were being - in a tone that wouldn't alarm Rey, of course.
Jyn seems to shrink behind the desk, shame fluttering across her features because she doesn't want to hurt Rey, but she keeps doing it because it's too hard to be with Cassian right now.
"You're tired, you needed a break." Bodhi is meant to be the buffer so Cassian can get some rest, which he is obviously not doing. She gestures to the couch. "You can sit down."
But only over there on the couch, where the desk will still be there between them. She gently shoves the small trash can littered with vending machine packages under the desk and out of sight.
Any other time, he might have tried to be a comfort to the shame over Jyn's face but seeing her for longer than two seconds again finally reminds him how mad it all makes him too. Cassian is tired and cranky and upset and this is a very relatable feeling to his daughter.
"He told me you called him and then said we were both being stupid." It's probably true. He's working on it!
Cassian doesn't want to sit. He likes the way standing makes him feel against all the emotions he keeps trying to shove away, but she is right about one thing: he's tired. He moves to the couch and sits, sighing a little with the relief of it. He notices the trash can and the trash inside and bristles. "I would not need a break if you would come home."
It's a little waspish, snippy, but she did need space and she was careful about avoiding him and now here he was in her space anyway and, god, she's still so in love with him it was like the space did nothing. But it's not as if Rey was any happier when Jyn was home. No one in their family was happy right now though she assumes the majority of Cassian's is because of fatigue and wishing his wife would pull her weight.
Alas, he was saddled with her.
She looks down at her hands, trying to ignore how close he is. "I will stay until she falls asleep next time."
He bristles again. "And I gave it to you. I have tried. But this is not space, Jyn. You're eating out of a vending machine and sleeping in your office. You called Bodhi." Which worries him on even more levels. Is she going to be home less? Is she going to leave?
He scrubs a hand over his face. His beard probably needs a trim. "She has not slept through the night without you. She misses you." She's woken up at at least three times each night. Cassian more, rolling over to Jyn's empty place in bed and trying to pretend it doesn't stab him in the heart. He looks over at the window, away from her, like he's afraid saying what comes out next will just make things worse but he's so exhausted it just slips out anyway. "I miss you."
Jyn doesn't even protest that he misses her. They'd lived together for literal years now, the suddenly lack of company must be jarring. But it twinges some stupid, hopeful part of her. It'd be easier if he said he'd hated her, honestly, at least she could latch on to the certainty of that, move past it.
"She's unhappy when I'm home, too, Cassian. Spending more time with her unhappy mother isn't going to do her any good."
He can't even look at her, how does he honestly expect Rey to want to spend more time with her? It would be worse if she stayed, the silences stretched long and heavy between them, discomfort like a barrier in bed, but she knows she's going to go back. It's her job, even beyond motherhood, she can't let her ridiculous emotions jeopardize their mission.
He misses her. He can't take it back, but it floats around in his head, because he misses her so much it's almost a physical ache and it's only been two days. But Jyn is so unhappy and he can only assume it's because she feels trapped by it all.
He doesn't want her to be trapped. He wants her to be happy, and he started to think for a while maybe they could be. Maybe he could have been part of that. He wanted to make her happy.
It hits on his frustrations too though. "Don't. Don't you dare try to pretend Rey does not want you. You always do her good." Aggressively defensive of Jyn's motherhood. She's unhappy because her parents are passing her off between them like a hot potato.
"She doesn't want Bodhi. She wants you home. Just like I do."
She almost asks why, why does he want her home because he doesn't want her so what is the point? But instead she just gives in, having already decided her heart is less important than their daughter and their mission. It's always been of little import to the galaxy, nothing has changed.
"After tonight, I won't leave. I'll stay home. Rey will have her mother back, you will have your wife back, Bodhi can go back to work." She doesn't think anything will change, but at least this mission taught her how to lie well. Maybe she can lie to her daughter, everything is fine.
Jyn has gotten very good at lying, and even though there are no signs of it, he knows she is. Does it mean he's come to know her that well, or is he still just good at recognizing it? It's almost dizzying, the whiplash to her agreement.
Maybe he's not allowed to have wants. He should have kept his mouth shut and let her leave like she wants to.
Silence eats the air between them and his anger slowly dissipates. Into what, he's not sure, but there are a lot of feelings he's trying to sort through right now. He just deflates into himself.
"You don't need to make it sound like a chore." It's him. Jyn loves Rey too much. "If you don't want to be here anymore, we can figure it out."
"That isn't--" She doesn't want to be here, she never has. She hates the Empire, hates what is has done to her and her family and the rest of the galaxy and she hates being here, taking advantage of the wealth and opulence provided for her.
"It's not anymore. I've never wanted to be here and you know that. Nothing has changed." Rey. Rey changed a lot of things. "Neither has my commitment to this horrid mission and my personal loathing for Draven. Literally zero change on any of those fronts."
What changed is how she felt about Cassian. She's wanted space to get over her feelings, not to steal his daughter and run away. She'd have done it already if that were the case.
"There's a difference between not wanting to be here and wanting to leave. I know it has never been the former. I just assumed you were... ready to be done."
Something has changed. He can't quite place it. Rey has certainly changed a lot, and Cassian knows that. Jyn sounds like she's putting the emphasis on the mission, and for the first time in his life, Cassian had put it secondary. He didn't care about it so much as just wanting Jyn back. It's suddenly very important to him for her to know wanting her back is not about the mission.
His voice goes quieter. "I was not asking you back as my wife, for any of the appearances. I know everything about this is horrible. Neither you or Rey deserve it. It is a selfish wish, especially when you have asked for space." He glances at her. "I want to fix this, Jyn. For our sake, for Rey's."
But he still feels like he's making her miserable, which makes him feel terrible about wanting her to come home.
Jyn drops her arms over the datapad closest to her and drops her head onto her arms. After a few seconds the datapad makes a shrieking beeping noise and Jyn's head pops up immediately, swearing as she tries to backtrack whatever she just accidentally deleted before she gives up and dumps the datapad in the trash.
She doesn't want any of her work to be right anyway. (She will rescue it later, there is no point actually throwing away a datapad.)
Eventually she looks up, breathing out a sigh and immediately looking back at the desk.
"Not everything is horrible," she mutters, splaying her fingers against the glass topped desk. It's almost muttered to herself, voice lifting when she finally manages to look up and not look away. "Why, Cassian? Not Rey, I know Rey. But why do you want to fix this?"
It's a very fair question, one he keeps avoiding every time he asks it of himself. Why. Why does he do anything with regards to Jyn lately? He is risking the mission by talking to her in her imperial office about marital problems that aren't real problems -
But they are. Not everything is horrible he hears and he swallows nervously. It's real and tangible between them, messy and charged and he cares about her so much, too much. Even dangerously. She makes him smile. She makes him feel worthy of love.
"Because -"
Oh.
Oh. He's in love with Jyn. That's what all these feelings are. The realization crashes into him and he's glad he's already sitting down, because it makes sense and he's weak with it. The surprise flashes over his face because he's too tired to hide it. It explains so much.
It should worry him, and maybe it does a little, but he thinks about the way Jyn has reacted recently - she was jealous over someone he was with before because he was with them not because she wanted it elsewhere, the little comments and her need to flee in the face of how painfully platonic everything he's said was. Her behavior is running on an assumption that he doesn't want her around, not that he does. His stomach rolls over.
"Because I think you have gotten the wrong impression about my feelings for you."
"We're partners." It's like an assurance, that Jyn knows that they're friends still, whatever the work equivalent of friend actually is in this weird scenario. But it's also the same sad resignation as before. They're just friends, they're just partners, they're just husband and wife.
She has no idea what the surprise on his face means but maybe he's just surprised she bothered asking when they both know the answer is the mission and making sure their home life isn't hell for the next however many years they're trapped here.
"I know you care about me, Cassian, just like I care about you. You don't need to explain that."
Cassian stands up and walks over to her with a slightly nervous bounce to his step. She looks so small and sad at her desk and he knows it's his fault, but he hopes he knows now how to fix it for real.
"I care about you more than you think. More than I realized." Carefully, he reaches out and rests his hand over hers. It's light enough for her to pull away if she wanted. When she doesn't, he winds their fingers together.
"I choose you. Not because of the mission. Not because of Rey. Because of you. I choose you because... I think I am in love with you, and I was too afraid to let myself know it."
Jyn looks up at him, emotions flickering across her expression in rapid succession: shock, disbelief, lingering hope, anxiety, fear, rounding back to disbelief when she starts to shake her head, drawing her hand back as she stands up.
"No, you don't." That's absurd. Her mouth opens and closes. "You don't," she insists, firm if a little shrill. "Why?"
He immediately pulls his hand back when she does, worried that he's said the wrong thing once more. Nervousness takes over his expression. He's a little afraid that he's misread her again, that now he's gone and really ruined them.
Quietly, "I do."
It's just a very new knowledge. So much so that it's still churning over like drunk butterflies in his stomach, not sure if they're going to giggle or pass out. "You make me want to do better. I like being around you. There are a lot of reasons why, but I did not put them together until now." A beat. "I'm... sorry."
"I thought..." She shakes her head again, biting down hard on her lip, hoping the sudden sharp pain will snap her senses back. It does not. This is all a dream, Cassian doesn't...
"I couldn't bear being around you because I thought I wanted something you didn't. I thought if I had enough space and enough time I could turn it off and it could go back to like it was before, but it wasn't enough space and it wasn't enough time and every time I see you with Rey I swear I fall in love with you all over again." It was all too much for her to handle, thinking that the feelings were one sided and not simply a result of ignorance.
His heart beats a little faster. Hopeful, anxious, all at once.
"I thought you had grown tired of me. Of this. I could not imagine you or anyone wanting me, not after this mission. It never occurred to me that you could have loved me."
He reaches out slowly to cradle her face gently between his hands. He's done it before for the show of it, but the affection now is soft and honest and nervous. It's all him, Cassian Andor.
She loves him. It's mindblowing.
"I wanted a family with you and Rey more than anything, and I was so afraid of losing it. Of losing you. I should have realized sooner why, but I was scared. I just wanted you to be happy, and I didn't think I could ever do that."
This is all so much to handle and she feels a little dizzy, but then there are Cassian's warm, sure hands, and Jyn feels steady again.
"I love our life." She hates where, she hates why, she loves everything else about it. She even likes the domesticity which is a shock, but there is something settling about having a place that is her own, even if she wishes they could run off and do things more often without having to worry about the Empire or the Alliance.
But she knows why she likes it all so much.
"You and Rey, you're the first real home I've had since I was sixteen. How could I not love you?"
Home. And that's what it is, isn't it? He's found a home in Rey and Jyn, just like he's part of theirs. Maybe the circumstances leading to this point had been shitty, maybe they're still technically undercover - but he loves their life too.
The Rebellion has been his home, but it's a fluctuating, unstable gravity. Jyn and Rey are solid. Grounding. It's a kind of love he hasn't felt since he was six years old.
"I love waking up with you. I love watching you with Rey. You are both all I could have wanted in a home." He runs his thumb over her cheek. How could I not love you? like it's something inevitable.
He kisses her. It's a soft and careful thing; the press of his mouth to hers isn't new, but the realness of it in this moment sends a thrill down his spine. He knows how to angle his head, he knows how to slant his body, the technicalities have long been figured out. But the feeling behind it now is born solely out of how much he loves Jyn Erso, and he thinks he's been waiting a long time to kiss her only as Cassian Andor.
Jyn squeezes her eyes shut against the kiss, nervousness warring with anxiety warring with the desire that has always been there, lingering under the surface. What if he changes his mind? She's already lost everyone else, she clearly can't cope with being apart from Cassian for very long if the emotional states of the both of them are any indication.
She can't lose Cassian, too.
And yet already she's half braced for it, like he'll decide mid-kiss that he's made a mistake. This time, instead of running, she actually voices her concerns, drawing back the tiniest bit, eyes swimming with unshed tears.
When he senses her hesitation, her nerves, he stops immediately. He doesn't let go of her face, and he only pulls back enough to look at her, keeping his forehead to hers.
"I know," he says gently. It's part of the reason they felt so kindred, that uncertain swimming through the galaxy. Cassian had the Rebellion, but it's different with her. It's scarier, but that just makes him cling even harder to the idea. "But I want us to. You are my home, Jyn. When I thought you were going to leave, I could not bear it. Our home is not this planet. It's us, and I want to wake up beside you for the rest of our lives no matter where we go next."
A watery smile wobbles on her expression, half hidden as she chews on her lip. He hasn't washed away all of her nerves, but the more he assures her this is what he wants, this is the decision he is standing by, the more she settles.
"Are you proposing to me, Captain Andor?" His name like a reminder of who he really is, Cassian Andor, rebel captain and sweet man from Fest, an orphan like her, sometimes the little spoon. He wants to spend the rest of their lives together, side by side. He wants her.
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ohnofeelstho2017-05-14 03:23 pm
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"I told you I don't want to talk about it, Lissi. I'm perfectly--" She looks up, sentence cut off before she can say what she perfectly is. Fine, probably. Her eyes go wide quickly, anxious, and she half stands behind the desk. "Cassian. Is Rey alright? Bodhi said he would be fine until you got home and it was less than a half an hour..."
He wouldn't have knocked if Rey were in trouble, he wouldn't have waited for her to notice him. She abruptly sits back down.
"Wh- Come in. Close the door, please."
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His voice is quiet. "You and I both know she is not really alright." She is a very sad and fussy baby. "Bodhi is with her now. But I don't really understand why you have called Bodhi here in the first place."
Bodhi hadn't actually said in many details. He'd just kind of angrily yelled at him about how stupid they were being - in a tone that wouldn't alarm Rey, of course.
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"You're tired, you needed a break." Bodhi is meant to be the buffer so Cassian can get some rest, which he is obviously not doing. She gestures to the couch. "You can sit down."
But only over there on the couch, where the desk will still be there between them. She gently shoves the small trash can littered with vending machine packages under the desk and out of sight.
"He was supposed to tell you that."
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"He told me you called him and then said we were both being stupid." It's probably true. He's working on it!
Cassian doesn't want to sit. He likes the way standing makes him feel against all the emotions he keeps trying to shove away, but she is right about one thing: he's tired. He moves to the couch and sits, sighing a little with the relief of it. He notices the trash can and the trash inside and bristles. "I would not need a break if you would come home."
He wants her home.
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It's a little waspish, snippy, but she did need space and she was careful about avoiding him and now here he was in her space anyway and, god, she's still so in love with him it was like the space did nothing. But it's not as if Rey was any happier when Jyn was home. No one in their family was happy right now though she assumes the majority of Cassian's is because of fatigue and wishing his wife would pull her weight.
Alas, he was saddled with her.
She looks down at her hands, trying to ignore how close he is. "I will stay until she falls asleep next time."
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He scrubs a hand over his face. His beard probably needs a trim. "She has not slept through the night without you. She misses you." She's woken up at at least three times each night. Cassian more, rolling over to Jyn's empty place in bed and trying to pretend it doesn't stab him in the heart. He looks over at the window, away from her, like he's afraid saying what comes out next will just make things worse but he's so exhausted it just slips out anyway. "I miss you."
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"She's unhappy when I'm home, too, Cassian. Spending more time with her unhappy mother isn't going to do her any good."
He can't even look at her, how does he honestly expect Rey to want to spend more time with her? It would be worse if she stayed, the silences stretched long and heavy between them, discomfort like a barrier in bed, but she knows she's going to go back. It's her job, even beyond motherhood, she can't let her ridiculous emotions jeopardize their mission.
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He doesn't want her to be trapped. He wants her to be happy, and he started to think for a while maybe they could be. Maybe he could have been part of that. He wanted to make her happy.
It hits on his frustrations too though. "Don't. Don't you dare try to pretend Rey does not want you. You always do her good." Aggressively defensive of Jyn's motherhood. She's unhappy because her parents are passing her off between them like a hot potato.
"She doesn't want Bodhi. She wants you home. Just like I do."
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She almost asks why, why does he want her home because he doesn't want her so what is the point? But instead she just gives in, having already decided her heart is less important than their daughter and their mission. It's always been of little import to the galaxy, nothing has changed.
"After tonight, I won't leave. I'll stay home. Rey will have her mother back, you will have your wife back, Bodhi can go back to work." She doesn't think anything will change, but at least this mission taught her how to lie well. Maybe she can lie to her daughter, everything is fine.
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Jyn has gotten very good at lying, and even though there are no signs of it, he knows she is. Does it mean he's come to know her that well, or is he still just good at recognizing it? It's almost dizzying, the whiplash to her agreement.
Maybe he's not allowed to have wants. He should have kept his mouth shut and let her leave like she wants to.
Silence eats the air between them and his anger slowly dissipates. Into what, he's not sure, but there are a lot of feelings he's trying to sort through right now. He just deflates into himself.
"You don't need to make it sound like a chore." It's him. Jyn loves Rey too much. "If you don't want to be here anymore, we can figure it out."
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"It's not anymore. I've never wanted to be here and you know that. Nothing has changed." Rey. Rey changed a lot of things. "Neither has my commitment to this horrid mission and my personal loathing for Draven. Literally zero change on any of those fronts."
What changed is how she felt about Cassian. She's wanted space to get over her feelings, not to steal his daughter and run away. She'd have done it already if that were the case.
"I told you I'll come back and I will."
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Something has changed. He can't quite place it. Rey has certainly changed a lot, and Cassian knows that. Jyn sounds like she's putting the emphasis on the mission, and for the first time in his life, Cassian had put it secondary. He didn't care about it so much as just wanting Jyn back. It's suddenly very important to him for her to know wanting her back is not about the mission.
His voice goes quieter. "I was not asking you back as my wife, for any of the appearances. I know everything about this is horrible. Neither you or Rey deserve it. It is a selfish wish, especially when you have asked for space." He glances at her. "I want to fix this, Jyn. For our sake, for Rey's."
But he still feels like he's making her miserable, which makes him feel terrible about wanting her to come home.
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She doesn't want any of her work to be right anyway. (She will rescue it later, there is no point actually throwing away a datapad.)
Eventually she looks up, breathing out a sigh and immediately looking back at the desk.
"Not everything is horrible," she mutters, splaying her fingers against the glass topped desk. It's almost muttered to herself, voice lifting when she finally manages to look up and not look away. "Why, Cassian? Not Rey, I know Rey. But why do you want to fix this?"
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But they are. Not everything is horrible he hears and he swallows nervously. It's real and tangible between them, messy and charged and he cares about her so much, too much. Even dangerously. She makes him smile. She makes him feel worthy of love.
"Because -"
Oh.
Oh. He's in love with Jyn. That's what all these feelings are. The realization crashes into him and he's glad he's already sitting down, because it makes sense and he's weak with it. The surprise flashes over his face because he's too tired to hide it. It explains so much.
It should worry him, and maybe it does a little, but he thinks about the way Jyn has reacted recently - she was jealous over someone he was with before because he was with them not because she wanted it elsewhere, the little comments and her need to flee in the face of how painfully platonic everything he's said was. Her behavior is running on an assumption that he doesn't want her around, not that he does. His stomach rolls over.
"Because I think you have gotten the wrong impression about my feelings for you."
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She has no idea what the surprise on his face means but maybe he's just surprised she bothered asking when they both know the answer is the mission and making sure their home life isn't hell for the next however many years they're trapped here.
"I know you care about me, Cassian, just like I care about you. You don't need to explain that."
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Cassian stands up and walks over to her with a slightly nervous bounce to his step. She looks so small and sad at her desk and he knows it's his fault, but he hopes he knows now how to fix it for real.
"I care about you more than you think. More than I realized." Carefully, he reaches out and rests his hand over hers. It's light enough for her to pull away if she wanted. When she doesn't, he winds their fingers together.
"I choose you. Not because of the mission. Not because of Rey. Because of you. I choose you because... I think I am in love with you, and I was too afraid to let myself know it."
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That's... impossible.
Jyn looks up at him, emotions flickering across her expression in rapid succession: shock, disbelief, lingering hope, anxiety, fear, rounding back to disbelief when she starts to shake her head, drawing her hand back as she stands up.
"No, you don't." That's absurd. Her mouth opens and closes. "You don't," she insists, firm if a little shrill. "Why?"
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Quietly, "I do."
It's just a very new knowledge. So much so that it's still churning over like drunk butterflies in his stomach, not sure if they're going to giggle or pass out. "You make me want to do better. I like being around you. There are a lot of reasons why, but I did not put them together until now." A beat. "I'm... sorry."
What is he apologizing for?? Who knows!
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"I couldn't bear being around you because I thought I wanted something you didn't. I thought if I had enough space and enough time I could turn it off and it could go back to like it was before, but it wasn't enough space and it wasn't enough time and every time I see you with Rey I swear I fall in love with you all over again." It was all too much for her to handle, thinking that the feelings were one sided and not simply a result of ignorance.
Ignorance is not bliss.
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"I thought you had grown tired of me. Of this. I could not imagine you or anyone wanting me, not after this mission. It never occurred to me that you could have loved me."
He reaches out slowly to cradle her face gently between his hands. He's done it before for the show of it, but the affection now is soft and honest and nervous. It's all him, Cassian Andor.
She loves him. It's mindblowing.
"I wanted a family with you and Rey more than anything, and I was so afraid of losing it. Of losing you. I should have realized sooner why, but I was scared. I just wanted you to be happy, and I didn't think I could ever do that."
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"I love our life." She hates where, she hates why, she loves everything else about it. She even likes the domesticity which is a shock, but there is something settling about having a place that is her own, even if she wishes they could run off and do things more often without having to worry about the Empire or the Alliance.
But she knows why she likes it all so much.
"You and Rey, you're the first real home I've had since I was sixteen. How could I not love you?"
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The Rebellion has been his home, but it's a fluctuating, unstable gravity. Jyn and Rey are solid. Grounding. It's a kind of love he hasn't felt since he was six years old.
"I love waking up with you. I love watching you with Rey. You are both all I could have wanted in a home." He runs his thumb over her cheek. How could I not love you? like it's something inevitable.
He kisses her. It's a soft and careful thing; the press of his mouth to hers isn't new, but the realness of it in this moment sends a thrill down his spine. He knows how to angle his head, he knows how to slant his body, the technicalities have long been figured out. But the feeling behind it now is born solely out of how much he loves Jyn Erso, and he thinks he's been waiting a long time to kiss her only as Cassian Andor.
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She can't lose Cassian, too.
And yet already she's half braced for it, like he'll decide mid-kiss that he's made a mistake. This time, instead of running, she actually voices her concerns, drawing back the tiniest bit, eyes swimming with unshed tears.
"I've never had a home that lasts."
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"I know," he says gently. It's part of the reason they felt so kindred, that uncertain swimming through the galaxy. Cassian had the Rebellion, but it's different with her. It's scarier, but that just makes him cling even harder to the idea. "But I want us to. You are my home, Jyn. When I thought you were going to leave, I could not bear it. Our home is not this planet. It's us, and I want to wake up beside you for the rest of our lives no matter where we go next."
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"Are you proposing to me, Captain Andor?" His name like a reminder of who he really is, Cassian Andor, rebel captain and sweet man from Fest, an orphan like her, sometimes the little spoon. He wants to spend the rest of their lives together, side by side. He wants her.
"Kiss me again."
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