realists: (ro » side)
jyn ✧ (ง •̀_•́)ง ✧ erso ([personal profile] realists) wrote in [community profile] ohnofeelstho2017-05-14 03:23 pm
evasives: (162)

[personal profile] evasives 2017-10-12 10:14 pm (UTC)(link)
He's not surprised she's working hard enough to not even notice it's him at first. It was always one of the many ways they were alike, burying themselves in busywork as a means of avoidance. Cassian closes the door carefully behind him, stepping further into her office. He's only been here a few times, most of which has been after hours to poke around with Jyn, but there are little signs of her all over. He'd be fond if he wasn't so anxious.

His voice is quiet. "You and I both know she is not really alright." She is a very sad and fussy baby. "Bodhi is with her now. But I don't really understand why you have called Bodhi here in the first place."

Bodhi hadn't actually said in many details. He'd just kind of angrily yelled at him about how stupid they were being - in a tone that wouldn't alarm Rey, of course.
Edited 2017-10-12 22:15 (UTC)
evasives: (143)

[personal profile] evasives 2017-10-13 03:27 am (UTC)(link)
Any other time, he might have tried to be a comfort to the shame over Jyn's face but seeing her for longer than two seconds again finally reminds him how mad it all makes him too. Cassian is tired and cranky and upset and this is a very relatable feeling to his daughter.

"He told me you called him and then said we were both being stupid." It's probably true. He's working on it!

Cassian doesn't want to sit. He likes the way standing makes him feel against all the emotions he keeps trying to shove away, but she is right about one thing: he's tired. He moves to the couch and sits, sighing a little with the relief of it. He notices the trash can and the trash inside and bristles. "I would not need a break if you would come home."

He wants her home.
evasives: (133)

[personal profile] evasives 2017-10-13 03:53 am (UTC)(link)
He bristles again. "And I gave it to you. I have tried. But this is not space, Jyn. You're eating out of a vending machine and sleeping in your office. You called Bodhi." Which worries him on even more levels. Is she going to be home less? Is she going to leave?

He scrubs a hand over his face. His beard probably needs a trim. "She has not slept through the night without you. She misses you." She's woken up at at least three times each night. Cassian more, rolling over to Jyn's empty place in bed and trying to pretend it doesn't stab him in the heart. He looks over at the window, away from her, like he's afraid saying what comes out next will just make things worse but he's so exhausted it just slips out anyway. "I miss you."
Edited 2017-10-13 03:54 (UTC)
evasives: (84)

[personal profile] evasives 2017-10-13 04:24 am (UTC)(link)
He misses her. He can't take it back, but it floats around in his head, because he misses her so much it's almost a physical ache and it's only been two days. But Jyn is so unhappy and he can only assume it's because she feels trapped by it all.

He doesn't want her to be trapped. He wants her to be happy, and he started to think for a while maybe they could be. Maybe he could have been part of that. He wanted to make her happy.

It hits on his frustrations too though. "Don't. Don't you dare try to pretend Rey does not want you. You always do her good." Aggressively defensive of Jyn's motherhood. She's unhappy because her parents are passing her off between them like a hot potato.

"She doesn't want Bodhi. She wants you home. Just like I do."
evasives: (146)

[personal profile] evasives 2017-10-13 04:52 am (UTC)(link)
It's not fine.

Jyn has gotten very good at lying, and even though there are no signs of it, he knows she is. Does it mean he's come to know her that well, or is he still just good at recognizing it? It's almost dizzying, the whiplash to her agreement.

Maybe he's not allowed to have wants. He should have kept his mouth shut and let her leave like she wants to.

Silence eats the air between them and his anger slowly dissipates. Into what, he's not sure, but there are a lot of feelings he's trying to sort through right now. He just deflates into himself.

"You don't need to make it sound like a chore." It's him. Jyn loves Rey too much. "If you don't want to be here anymore, we can figure it out."
evasives: (74)

[personal profile] evasives 2017-10-14 01:22 am (UTC)(link)
"There's a difference between not wanting to be here and wanting to leave. I know it has never been the former. I just assumed you were... ready to be done."

Something has changed. He can't quite place it. Rey has certainly changed a lot, and Cassian knows that. Jyn sounds like she's putting the emphasis on the mission, and for the first time in his life, Cassian had put it secondary. He didn't care about it so much as just wanting Jyn back. It's suddenly very important to him for her to know wanting her back is not about the mission.

His voice goes quieter. "I was not asking you back as my wife, for any of the appearances. I know everything about this is horrible. Neither you or Rey deserve it. It is a selfish wish, especially when you have asked for space." He glances at her. "I want to fix this, Jyn. For our sake, for Rey's."

But he still feels like he's making her miserable, which makes him feel terrible about wanting her to come home.
evasives: (45)

[personal profile] evasives 2017-10-14 02:50 am (UTC)(link)
It's a very fair question, one he keeps avoiding every time he asks it of himself. Why. Why does he do anything with regards to Jyn lately? He is risking the mission by talking to her in her imperial office about marital problems that aren't real problems -

But they are. Not everything is horrible he hears and he swallows nervously. It's real and tangible between them, messy and charged and he cares about her so much, too much. Even dangerously. She makes him smile. She makes him feel worthy of love.

"Because -"

Oh.

Oh. He's in love with Jyn. That's what all these feelings are. The realization crashes into him and he's glad he's already sitting down, because it makes sense and he's weak with it. The surprise flashes over his face because he's too tired to hide it. It explains so much.

It should worry him, and maybe it does a little, but he thinks about the way Jyn has reacted recently - she was jealous over someone he was with before because he was with them not because she wanted it elsewhere, the little comments and her need to flee in the face of how painfully platonic everything he's said was. Her behavior is running on an assumption that he doesn't want her around, not that he does. His stomach rolls over.

"Because I think you have gotten the wrong impression about my feelings for you."
Edited 2017-10-14 02:51 (UTC)
evasives: (95)

[personal profile] evasives 2017-10-14 03:46 am (UTC)(link)
He shakes his head. "No. That's not what I mean."

Cassian stands up and walks over to her with a slightly nervous bounce to his step. She looks so small and sad at her desk and he knows it's his fault, but he hopes he knows now how to fix it for real.

"I care about you more than you think. More than I realized." Carefully, he reaches out and rests his hand over hers. It's light enough for her to pull away if she wanted. When she doesn't, he winds their fingers together.

"I choose you. Not because of the mission. Not because of Rey. Because of you. I choose you because... I think I am in love with you, and I was too afraid to let myself know it."
evasives: (113)

[personal profile] evasives 2017-10-14 04:36 am (UTC)(link)
He immediately pulls his hand back when she does, worried that he's said the wrong thing once more. Nervousness takes over his expression. He's a little afraid that he's misread her again, that now he's gone and really ruined them.

Quietly, "I do."

It's just a very new knowledge. So much so that it's still churning over like drunk butterflies in his stomach, not sure if they're going to giggle or pass out. "You make me want to do better. I like being around you. There are a lot of reasons why, but I did not put them together until now." A beat. "I'm... sorry."

What is he apologizing for?? Who knows!
evasives: (23)

[personal profile] evasives 2017-10-14 05:07 am (UTC)(link)
His heart beats a little faster. Hopeful, anxious, all at once.

"I thought you had grown tired of me. Of this. I could not imagine you or anyone wanting me, not after this mission. It never occurred to me that you could have loved me."

He reaches out slowly to cradle her face gently between his hands. He's done it before for the show of it, but the affection now is soft and honest and nervous. It's all him, Cassian Andor.

She loves him. It's mindblowing.

"I wanted a family with you and Rey more than anything, and I was so afraid of losing it. Of losing you. I should have realized sooner why, but I was scared. I just wanted you to be happy, and I didn't think I could ever do that."
evasives: (149)

[personal profile] evasives 2017-10-14 05:34 am (UTC)(link)
Home. And that's what it is, isn't it? He's found a home in Rey and Jyn, just like he's part of theirs. Maybe the circumstances leading to this point had been shitty, maybe they're still technically undercover - but he loves their life too.

The Rebellion has been his home, but it's a fluctuating, unstable gravity. Jyn and Rey are solid. Grounding. It's a kind of love he hasn't felt since he was six years old.

"I love waking up with you. I love watching you with Rey. You are both all I could have wanted in a home." He runs his thumb over her cheek. How could I not love you? like it's something inevitable.

He kisses her. It's a soft and careful thing; the press of his mouth to hers isn't new, but the realness of it in this moment sends a thrill down his spine. He knows how to angle his head, he knows how to slant his body, the technicalities have long been figured out. But the feeling behind it now is born solely out of how much he loves Jyn Erso, and he thinks he's been waiting a long time to kiss her only as Cassian Andor.
evasives: (50)

[personal profile] evasives 2017-10-15 05:26 am (UTC)(link)
When he senses her hesitation, her nerves, he stops immediately. He doesn't let go of her face, and he only pulls back enough to look at her, keeping his forehead to hers.

"I know," he says gently. It's part of the reason they felt so kindred, that uncertain swimming through the galaxy. Cassian had the Rebellion, but it's different with her. It's scarier, but that just makes him cling even harder to the idea. "But I want us to. You are my home, Jyn. When I thought you were going to leave, I could not bear it. Our home is not this planet. It's us, and I want to wake up beside you for the rest of our lives no matter where we go next."

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