"We're partners." It's like an assurance, that Jyn knows that they're friends still, whatever the work equivalent of friend actually is in this weird scenario. But it's also the same sad resignation as before. They're just friends, they're just partners, they're just husband and wife.
She has no idea what the surprise on his face means but maybe he's just surprised she bothered asking when they both know the answer is the mission and making sure their home life isn't hell for the next however many years they're trapped here.
"I know you care about me, Cassian, just like I care about you. You don't need to explain that."
Cassian stands up and walks over to her with a slightly nervous bounce to his step. She looks so small and sad at her desk and he knows it's his fault, but he hopes he knows now how to fix it for real.
"I care about you more than you think. More than I realized." Carefully, he reaches out and rests his hand over hers. It's light enough for her to pull away if she wanted. When she doesn't, he winds their fingers together.
"I choose you. Not because of the mission. Not because of Rey. Because of you. I choose you because... I think I am in love with you, and I was too afraid to let myself know it."
Jyn looks up at him, emotions flickering across her expression in rapid succession: shock, disbelief, lingering hope, anxiety, fear, rounding back to disbelief when she starts to shake her head, drawing her hand back as she stands up.
"No, you don't." That's absurd. Her mouth opens and closes. "You don't," she insists, firm if a little shrill. "Why?"
He immediately pulls his hand back when she does, worried that he's said the wrong thing once more. Nervousness takes over his expression. He's a little afraid that he's misread her again, that now he's gone and really ruined them.
Quietly, "I do."
It's just a very new knowledge. So much so that it's still churning over like drunk butterflies in his stomach, not sure if they're going to giggle or pass out. "You make me want to do better. I like being around you. There are a lot of reasons why, but I did not put them together until now." A beat. "I'm... sorry."
"I thought..." She shakes her head again, biting down hard on her lip, hoping the sudden sharp pain will snap her senses back. It does not. This is all a dream, Cassian doesn't...
"I couldn't bear being around you because I thought I wanted something you didn't. I thought if I had enough space and enough time I could turn it off and it could go back to like it was before, but it wasn't enough space and it wasn't enough time and every time I see you with Rey I swear I fall in love with you all over again." It was all too much for her to handle, thinking that the feelings were one sided and not simply a result of ignorance.
His heart beats a little faster. Hopeful, anxious, all at once.
"I thought you had grown tired of me. Of this. I could not imagine you or anyone wanting me, not after this mission. It never occurred to me that you could have loved me."
He reaches out slowly to cradle her face gently between his hands. He's done it before for the show of it, but the affection now is soft and honest and nervous. It's all him, Cassian Andor.
She loves him. It's mindblowing.
"I wanted a family with you and Rey more than anything, and I was so afraid of losing it. Of losing you. I should have realized sooner why, but I was scared. I just wanted you to be happy, and I didn't think I could ever do that."
This is all so much to handle and she feels a little dizzy, but then there are Cassian's warm, sure hands, and Jyn feels steady again.
"I love our life." She hates where, she hates why, she loves everything else about it. She even likes the domesticity which is a shock, but there is something settling about having a place that is her own, even if she wishes they could run off and do things more often without having to worry about the Empire or the Alliance.
But she knows why she likes it all so much.
"You and Rey, you're the first real home I've had since I was sixteen. How could I not love you?"
Home. And that's what it is, isn't it? He's found a home in Rey and Jyn, just like he's part of theirs. Maybe the circumstances leading to this point had been shitty, maybe they're still technically undercover - but he loves their life too.
The Rebellion has been his home, but it's a fluctuating, unstable gravity. Jyn and Rey are solid. Grounding. It's a kind of love he hasn't felt since he was six years old.
"I love waking up with you. I love watching you with Rey. You are both all I could have wanted in a home." He runs his thumb over her cheek. How could I not love you? like it's something inevitable.
He kisses her. It's a soft and careful thing; the press of his mouth to hers isn't new, but the realness of it in this moment sends a thrill down his spine. He knows how to angle his head, he knows how to slant his body, the technicalities have long been figured out. But the feeling behind it now is born solely out of how much he loves Jyn Erso, and he thinks he's been waiting a long time to kiss her only as Cassian Andor.
Jyn squeezes her eyes shut against the kiss, nervousness warring with anxiety warring with the desire that has always been there, lingering under the surface. What if he changes his mind? She's already lost everyone else, she clearly can't cope with being apart from Cassian for very long if the emotional states of the both of them are any indication.
She can't lose Cassian, too.
And yet already she's half braced for it, like he'll decide mid-kiss that he's made a mistake. This time, instead of running, she actually voices her concerns, drawing back the tiniest bit, eyes swimming with unshed tears.
When he senses her hesitation, her nerves, he stops immediately. He doesn't let go of her face, and he only pulls back enough to look at her, keeping his forehead to hers.
"I know," he says gently. It's part of the reason they felt so kindred, that uncertain swimming through the galaxy. Cassian had the Rebellion, but it's different with her. It's scarier, but that just makes him cling even harder to the idea. "But I want us to. You are my home, Jyn. When I thought you were going to leave, I could not bear it. Our home is not this planet. It's us, and I want to wake up beside you for the rest of our lives no matter where we go next."
A watery smile wobbles on her expression, half hidden as she chews on her lip. He hasn't washed away all of her nerves, but the more he assures her this is what he wants, this is the decision he is standing by, the more she settles.
"Are you proposing to me, Captain Andor?" His name like a reminder of who he really is, Cassian Andor, rebel captain and sweet man from Fest, an orphan like her, sometimes the little spoon. He wants to spend the rest of their lives together, side by side. He wants her.
He kisses her once before he answers her, featherlight because she asked. Because she smiles. Because he loves her and wants to reassure her until he's blue in the face to make up for making her feel like she needed to hide, like he didn't want her.
She called him Andor. He smiles against her mouth.
"Yes. When this is over, I want to marry you for real."
He wants to marry Jyn Erso. Not because of a mission. Because he loves her, deeply and wholly. It almost feels like they're doing this entire thing backwards, but neither of them have really cared about that. He ducks in to kiss her again, whispering her name in the same way. Jyn who makes him laugh, who loves so fiercely, who can out stubborn just about anyone. "Will you have me, Jyn Erso?"
She nods, throwing her arms around his shoulders and burying her face against his neck. She usually isn't one for big explosions of affection like this, not in public, she's not even usually one for hugs outside of rolling over into Cassian in bed and burying herself against him until his arms curled around her.
Her head bobs again in a nod against him before she whispers, "Yes" against his skin, feeling the relief crash over her so heavily it's almost too much to handle at once. She'd though he'd been indifferent to her no more than five minutes ago and how he's in love with her and wants to marry her properly and it's everything she's wanted but never allowed herself to hope for.
"Yes, I'll have you, but only if you ask me properly."
He wonders for a moment if it is moving very fast. But they have a daughter. He's loved Jyn for a while, even if he can't pinpoint when it turned into more than just fondness for the mother of his child. This life they have isn't going to change regardless of when he proposes for real. She's it for him.
Yes she whispers, and his heart flutters. His arms slide around her, one of them cradling the back of her head, keeping her in close to him. Yes, she'll have him. She wants him, he's allowed the chance to make her happy.
Cassian pulls his head away enough to see her face. He'd get on one knee, but that means letting her go and he has zero interest in doing so. He kisses again her instead, on the cheek, forehead, a sweet brush against her lips. "I love you. Will you marry me, Jyn?"
Her chin wobbles as she tries to shove back tears, wanting to be able to see Cassian instead of the impressionist painting her tears want to make of him. At first she can't manage words and simply nods, pressing her lips together before she swallows.
"Yes, I will marry you, Cassian."
Part of her wants to scream it from the roof, another part wants to faint. Every part of her wants to never leg go so she pushes forward to hug him again, drowning in his embrace. If her sudden surge forward pushed him back toward the couch it's not out of any desire to get in his pants this time.
As much as she loves whatever is happening now, he needs to sleep.
She's crying and he panics for a second before recognizing and reminding himself that they're happy tears. She's crying because she's happy, and she's happy because of him. Isn't that all he dared to hope for?
His face breaks into a smile, so wide and open and stretching his muscles. She's going to marry him. For real.
Jyn burrows herself against him in a hug he's all too happy to return, bowled over by her enthusiasm. He offers no resistance when she starts walking them towards the couch mostly because he probably has no resistance to anything about her right now.
His legs hit the cushions and he falls backward on it, taking Jyn with him. He could have stopped it, probably, but he is still very overtired and she's so warm in his arms.
"You want to marry me," he says, almost like he still can't believe it.
Down they go and Jyn only shifts so that she's sitting next to him, legs draped over his lap, arms still around his shoulders. She doesn't bother to wipe away the tears for once.
"I do." She's going to say that one day, in front of witnesses, they're going to be actually married. She's properly going to be Cassian's wife, Cassian Andor's wife. The thought makes her own smile spread across her expression, pressing a quick kiss to his cheek as she unwinds herself to stand up.
She holds out a hand, stopping him from saying anything. "I'm not going anywhere." She is, however, standing up to move over to the pad on the wall. Pressing a couple buttons, the clear glass office, suddenly turns black like the walls are made of onyx, the tinted glass offering privacy. People can't look in, but they can still look out, admittedly through dark glass. Another tap and the door locks, another and the lamp next to the couch turns on, golden light soft and dim, while the over head light turns off.
She gestures for him to stand, away from the couch, toward her, and taps another button. The couch unfolds into bed, messily made because she obviously didn't bother to properly make it, only shoving the blankets around the edges so it would fold up properly. "You need to sleep."
Cassian opens his mouth to protest immediately when she gets up, but she cuts him off and he lets her go off to the control panel. The dim lights are immediately a relief to his eyes, and the room feels more secluded. It's so fancy.
He wants to argue with her about sleeping. He just proposed! For real! He wants to stay awake and hold her and kiss her more. But he knows he's too utterly exhausted to have any sort of argument. She could just push him over and he'd probably pass out.
"I could just go home for this." But he doesn't want to, not if she's here. He sits down on the bed and gives her a very tired smile. "Will you stay?"
Bodhi has Rey. Jyn was working at the office anyway. He doesn't think she'd ever actually leave him sleeping alone in an imperial office that wasn't his, but maybe he wouldn't mind if she actually napped with him too.
Instead of answering, Jyn steps out of her work heels, padding over barefoot. She doesn't dress in some Imperial uniform, but she does have to dress nicely at the office and it's terrible, even if she looks very nice. Her white blouse has a little ruffle down the front, her grey skirt flares out when she turns -- not tight in case she needs to run or kick someone. She'd be much more comfortable in pajamas, but.
Oh well.
"I was going to finish my work, but since you asked so nicely..." Yes, she will climb into the bed with him, she will definitely stay. Maybe they should go home, but Jyn realizes they haven't been alone overnight since Rey was born. Maybe they should stay right here.
He knows what she prefers to wear versus work attire, but the way she steps out of her heels is all Jyn. He smiles softly when she comes over, grateful and glad and fighting back a yawn.
"You can finish it later," he says, reaching for her immediately after she climbs into bed beside him. He hauls them both over away from the edge of the mattress, sinking down with a very relieved sigh once he's finally horizontal. Cassian tugs her in close to him, wrapping her up in his arms. His eyes slide shut but the smile on his face can't be swept away. To feel her next to him, warm and alive and happy, it's the best lullaby he could have asked for.
"I love you." It bears repeating, especially after he'd made her think he didn't. He presses a tired kiss to her temple. He gets her like this now, and he'll get her like this later once they're actually home. Rey is safe. Cassian is going to marry Jyn, but first he needs a fucking nap.
It's not nearly late enough to reasonably consider bedtime -- Rey won't even be asleep yet -- but Jyn hums as she buries her head against his chest, closing her eyes and breathing in the familiar smell of him -- soap and grease and blaster cleaning fluid and Rey's baby lotion. She didn't realize how used to it she was until she'd curled up alone on the couch with only her blankets to keep her company.
Part of her still thinks Cassian might change him mind, that he will realize he doesn't actually love her, he just loves having a partner in raising Rey, but she allows herself the hope that it will last.
"I love you, too." It feels so strange to say it now, after what feels like so long trying to convince herself to feel nothing. She tilts her chin the tiniest bit, kisses the side of his mouth. "Go to sleep."
Maybe if he wasn't so completely tired, he wouldn't be so completely tactile after the sudden proposal, but Jyn doesn't seem to mind at all. She burrows in against him, and his heart stutters that he could be so lucky. It's only because of her that he even feels safe enough to get comfortable here.
Cassian sighs contentedly when he hears her tell him she loves him too, even if it makes him nervous at the same time. He's never been loved like this before. It's probably why it was so impossible to conceptualize. Rey's love is innocent, unjudged and unconditional, and even now he struggles with it. Jyn loves him by choice, because somewhere along the lines and despite the awfulness of their circumstance, they fell in love.
He's in love with Jyn. He would choose her, again and again.
"I will, soon." He's already slipping towards it, feeling sleep creeping up. He smiles again when she kisses his mouth, chasing after hers to steal the faintest kiss in return. "Don't let me sleep the whole day here. I would rather be home."
And he wants to see Rey, before he goes to bed for the night for real.
Jyn doesn't answer him because she doesn't want to get into a discussion when he should be sleeping. And maybe she needs a tiny bit of time to herself to think about what the fuck just happened because it was a lot. It was definitely a lot and she hasn't really come to terms with all of it yet because there's so much to unpack and sort through and she hasn't had the time to do so.
She will wake him up in a few hours, that is the plan. Except Jyn falls asleep too so there goes the plan. Who knows what time it will be when they wake up.
He can't stop smiling. He adjusts his arms a little into something more comfortable, his breath evening out as he listens to hers do the same. There's a lot to think about, once they're not caught up in the moment, and they've both been through the emotional gamut today. On top of his actual physical exhaustion, he's ready to drop.
So right now Cassian isn't going to fight off sleep anymore. He trusts Jyn, he trusts Bodhi with Rey, and it doesn't take him long before he drifts off to sleep tangled up beside her.
It's the first uninterrupted sleep either of them have gotten in months.
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ohnofeelstho2017-05-14 03:23 pm
no subject
She has no idea what the surprise on his face means but maybe he's just surprised she bothered asking when they both know the answer is the mission and making sure their home life isn't hell for the next however many years they're trapped here.
"I know you care about me, Cassian, just like I care about you. You don't need to explain that."
no subject
Cassian stands up and walks over to her with a slightly nervous bounce to his step. She looks so small and sad at her desk and he knows it's his fault, but he hopes he knows now how to fix it for real.
"I care about you more than you think. More than I realized." Carefully, he reaches out and rests his hand over hers. It's light enough for her to pull away if she wanted. When she doesn't, he winds their fingers together.
"I choose you. Not because of the mission. Not because of Rey. Because of you. I choose you because... I think I am in love with you, and I was too afraid to let myself know it."
no subject
That's... impossible.
Jyn looks up at him, emotions flickering across her expression in rapid succession: shock, disbelief, lingering hope, anxiety, fear, rounding back to disbelief when she starts to shake her head, drawing her hand back as she stands up.
"No, you don't." That's absurd. Her mouth opens and closes. "You don't," she insists, firm if a little shrill. "Why?"
no subject
Quietly, "I do."
It's just a very new knowledge. So much so that it's still churning over like drunk butterflies in his stomach, not sure if they're going to giggle or pass out. "You make me want to do better. I like being around you. There are a lot of reasons why, but I did not put them together until now." A beat. "I'm... sorry."
What is he apologizing for?? Who knows!
no subject
"I couldn't bear being around you because I thought I wanted something you didn't. I thought if I had enough space and enough time I could turn it off and it could go back to like it was before, but it wasn't enough space and it wasn't enough time and every time I see you with Rey I swear I fall in love with you all over again." It was all too much for her to handle, thinking that the feelings were one sided and not simply a result of ignorance.
Ignorance is not bliss.
no subject
"I thought you had grown tired of me. Of this. I could not imagine you or anyone wanting me, not after this mission. It never occurred to me that you could have loved me."
He reaches out slowly to cradle her face gently between his hands. He's done it before for the show of it, but the affection now is soft and honest and nervous. It's all him, Cassian Andor.
She loves him. It's mindblowing.
"I wanted a family with you and Rey more than anything, and I was so afraid of losing it. Of losing you. I should have realized sooner why, but I was scared. I just wanted you to be happy, and I didn't think I could ever do that."
no subject
"I love our life." She hates where, she hates why, she loves everything else about it. She even likes the domesticity which is a shock, but there is something settling about having a place that is her own, even if she wishes they could run off and do things more often without having to worry about the Empire or the Alliance.
But she knows why she likes it all so much.
"You and Rey, you're the first real home I've had since I was sixteen. How could I not love you?"
no subject
The Rebellion has been his home, but it's a fluctuating, unstable gravity. Jyn and Rey are solid. Grounding. It's a kind of love he hasn't felt since he was six years old.
"I love waking up with you. I love watching you with Rey. You are both all I could have wanted in a home." He runs his thumb over her cheek. How could I not love you? like it's something inevitable.
He kisses her. It's a soft and careful thing; the press of his mouth to hers isn't new, but the realness of it in this moment sends a thrill down his spine. He knows how to angle his head, he knows how to slant his body, the technicalities have long been figured out. But the feeling behind it now is born solely out of how much he loves Jyn Erso, and he thinks he's been waiting a long time to kiss her only as Cassian Andor.
no subject
She can't lose Cassian, too.
And yet already she's half braced for it, like he'll decide mid-kiss that he's made a mistake. This time, instead of running, she actually voices her concerns, drawing back the tiniest bit, eyes swimming with unshed tears.
"I've never had a home that lasts."
no subject
"I know," he says gently. It's part of the reason they felt so kindred, that uncertain swimming through the galaxy. Cassian had the Rebellion, but it's different with her. It's scarier, but that just makes him cling even harder to the idea. "But I want us to. You are my home, Jyn. When I thought you were going to leave, I could not bear it. Our home is not this planet. It's us, and I want to wake up beside you for the rest of our lives no matter where we go next."
no subject
"Are you proposing to me, Captain Andor?" His name like a reminder of who he really is, Cassian Andor, rebel captain and sweet man from Fest, an orphan like her, sometimes the little spoon. He wants to spend the rest of their lives together, side by side. He wants her.
"Kiss me again."
no subject
She called him Andor. He smiles against her mouth.
"Yes. When this is over, I want to marry you for real."
He wants to marry Jyn Erso. Not because of a mission. Because he loves her, deeply and wholly. It almost feels like they're doing this entire thing backwards, but neither of them have really cared about that. He ducks in to kiss her again, whispering her name in the same way. Jyn who makes him laugh, who loves so fiercely, who can out stubborn just about anyone. "Will you have me, Jyn Erso?"
no subject
Her head bobs again in a nod against him before she whispers, "Yes" against his skin, feeling the relief crash over her so heavily it's almost too much to handle at once. She'd though he'd been indifferent to her no more than five minutes ago and how he's in love with her and wants to marry her properly and it's everything she's wanted but never allowed herself to hope for.
"Yes, I'll have you, but only if you ask me properly."
no subject
Yes she whispers, and his heart flutters. His arms slide around her, one of them cradling the back of her head, keeping her in close to him. Yes, she'll have him. She wants him, he's allowed the chance to make her happy.
Cassian pulls his head away enough to see her face. He'd get on one knee, but that means letting her go and he has zero interest in doing so. He kisses again her instead, on the cheek, forehead, a sweet brush against her lips. "I love you. Will you marry me, Jyn?"
no subject
"Yes, I will marry you, Cassian."
Part of her wants to scream it from the roof, another part wants to faint. Every part of her wants to never leg go so she pushes forward to hug him again, drowning in his embrace. If her sudden surge forward pushed him back toward the couch it's not out of any desire to get in his pants this time.
As much as she loves whatever is happening now, he needs to sleep.
no subject
His face breaks into a smile, so wide and open and stretching his muscles. She's going to marry him. For real.
Jyn burrows herself against him in a hug he's all too happy to return, bowled over by her enthusiasm. He offers no resistance when she starts walking them towards the couch mostly because he probably has no resistance to anything about her right now.
His legs hit the cushions and he falls backward on it, taking Jyn with him. He could have stopped it, probably, but he is still very overtired and she's so warm in his arms.
"You want to marry me," he says, almost like he still can't believe it.
no subject
"I do." She's going to say that one day, in front of witnesses, they're going to be actually married. She's properly going to be Cassian's wife, Cassian Andor's wife. The thought makes her own smile spread across her expression, pressing a quick kiss to his cheek as she unwinds herself to stand up.
She holds out a hand, stopping him from saying anything. "I'm not going anywhere." She is, however, standing up to move over to the pad on the wall. Pressing a couple buttons, the clear glass office, suddenly turns black like the walls are made of onyx, the tinted glass offering privacy. People can't look in, but they can still look out, admittedly through dark glass. Another tap and the door locks, another and the lamp next to the couch turns on, golden light soft and dim, while the over head light turns off.
She gestures for him to stand, away from the couch, toward her, and taps another button. The couch unfolds into bed, messily made because she obviously didn't bother to properly make it, only shoving the blankets around the edges so it would fold up properly. "You need to sleep."
no subject
He wants to argue with her about sleeping. He just proposed! For real! He wants to stay awake and hold her and kiss her more. But he knows he's too utterly exhausted to have any sort of argument. She could just push him over and he'd probably pass out.
"I could just go home for this." But he doesn't want to, not if she's here. He sits down on the bed and gives her a very tired smile. "Will you stay?"
Bodhi has Rey. Jyn was working at the office anyway. He doesn't think she'd ever actually leave him sleeping alone in an imperial office that wasn't his, but maybe he wouldn't mind if she actually napped with him too.
no subject
Oh well.
"I was going to finish my work, but since you asked so nicely..." Yes, she will climb into the bed with him, she will definitely stay. Maybe they should go home, but Jyn realizes they haven't been alone overnight since Rey was born. Maybe they should stay right here.
no subject
"You can finish it later," he says, reaching for her immediately after she climbs into bed beside him. He hauls them both over away from the edge of the mattress, sinking down with a very relieved sigh once he's finally horizontal. Cassian tugs her in close to him, wrapping her up in his arms. His eyes slide shut but the smile on his face can't be swept away. To feel her next to him, warm and alive and happy, it's the best lullaby he could have asked for.
"I love you." It bears repeating, especially after he'd made her think he didn't. He presses a tired kiss to her temple. He gets her like this now, and he'll get her like this later once they're actually home. Rey is safe. Cassian is going to marry Jyn, but first he needs a fucking nap.
no subject
Part of her still thinks Cassian might change him mind, that he will realize he doesn't actually love her, he just loves having a partner in raising Rey, but she allows herself the hope that it will last.
"I love you, too." It feels so strange to say it now, after what feels like so long trying to convince herself to feel nothing. She tilts her chin the tiniest bit, kisses the side of his mouth. "Go to sleep."
no subject
Cassian sighs contentedly when he hears her tell him she loves him too, even if it makes him nervous at the same time. He's never been loved like this before. It's probably why it was so impossible to conceptualize. Rey's love is innocent, unjudged and unconditional, and even now he struggles with it. Jyn loves him by choice, because somewhere along the lines and despite the awfulness of their circumstance, they fell in love.
He's in love with Jyn. He would choose her, again and again.
"I will, soon." He's already slipping towards it, feeling sleep creeping up. He smiles again when she kisses his mouth, chasing after hers to steal the faintest kiss in return. "Don't let me sleep the whole day here. I would rather be home."
And he wants to see Rey, before he goes to bed for the night for real.
no subject
Jyn doesn't answer him because she doesn't want to get into a discussion when he should be sleeping. And maybe she needs a tiny bit of time to herself to think about what the fuck just happened because it was a lot. It was definitely a lot and she hasn't really come to terms with all of it yet because there's so much to unpack and sort through and she hasn't had the time to do so.
She will wake him up in a few hours, that is the plan. Except Jyn falls asleep too so there goes the plan. Who knows what time it will be when they wake up.
no subject
So right now Cassian isn't going to fight off sleep anymore. He trusts Jyn, he trusts Bodhi with Rey, and it doesn't take him long before he drifts off to sleep tangled up beside her.
It's the first uninterrupted sleep either of them have gotten in months.
no subject