His shoulders sag even more, even though it's another thing he probably shouldn't be surprised about. He avoided going back to their room and kept away from her first. If she doesn't want to be around him, he doesn't have anyone to blame but himself. He doesn't even want to be around him right now.
Cassian opens his mouth to tell her to wait, even lifts his hand up to stop her. Instead he brings it up and pinches his nose again, closing his eyes tightly.
"Jyn -" Don't go, go. It used to be so much easier to shut himself off, but now it hurts other people to do so, and he's so tired of doing that. The overnights sound like a lie, because it's not like she's been back very long either, he checked the files -
Her smile is so weak and he imagines her real one, the kind he gets to pull out of her, and he doesn't feel capable of doing it again in this moment. "You don't have to -"
What? Leave? Stay away from their room? She always chips away at his walls even when she's not even trying.
K2 chimes in, because even if his deepest core is full of side-eye towards Jyn, he apparently recognizes they sleep better with each other than alone. He even sounds worried. "That's irresponsible. You both need a solid night's rest at this point."
All of his movements make her nervous. He's fidgety and rubbing his head like she's giving him a headache, he sagged when she said she'd be busy and she can only imagine it's in relief. Two weeks isn't the longest they've been apart but it's been the longest they've been apart and practically radio silent and Draven always refuses to tell her anything lest she jump on a ship and go after him and maybe in that time Cassian...
changed his mind.
She can't say she's surprised. She'd tried very hard but she's always thought Cassian deserved something better than her.
"It's-- I'm going to be late so." She shoves her hands in her pockets, steps back further, shoulders hunching like she can curl in on herself. Everyone had tried to warn her and she didn't listen. "At least tell Bodhi you're back. He missed you."
She is pulling herself away and he feels like he deserves it, that maybe it was going to happen because he can't possibly be allowed Jyn in this moment, much less the comfort she offers him. He blinks a few times, like he's still processing what she's saying and what she's doing, but he just doesn't have it in him to reach out to her right now. He wants to, but he can't.
Cassian stands there dumbly. Hollow. Bodhi missed him. So did Jyn, and he missed them both terribly but he doesn't deserve the camaraderie Rogue One brings him. He aches for their affection but he thinks it might burn him if he let himself accept it. Jyn clearly does not want to give it anyway.
He looks down at his hands and twists his fingers into the fabric of his pants to stop them from shaking. He turns sideways, like he's going to get back on the ship, but looks back at her again, drinking in her image like it can erase everything else in his head from being planetside even as she walks away from him. It might have helped, if she wasn't leaving. Instead he finds himself shutting down more pieces of himself, the years old mechanism too easy to fall back on when what he's done is too much to deal with.
As much as she wants to run away and do exactly that, work until she is exhausted and falls asleep on the couch in the communications tent instead of her actual bed, she hesitates, expression crumpling briefly before she coaxes it back into something less unhappy. It is not as successful as she would like it to be but she's always worn her loss like an armor of cautionary tales.
"Yeah." Feeling dismissed, she turns and strides away, making no effort to hide her hurry. She practically runs, but she's always been something of a runaway. She obviously doesn't have a shift to get to, but that isn't going to stop her from working a full shift.
He sees the way her face crumbles and thinks maybe her hesitation will keep her there, but it was a stupid hope, once her expression shifts into more of a shield. Like his. She's protecting herself from him and he should apologize again, but his throat closes up like the rest of him.
Cassian watches her leave in a rush, each step feeling like it's right on his chest, but he just keeps telling himself he has no right to feel hurt, not when he created this distance. He tries to shut that part off too, with only marginal success.
Two seconds later he punches the hull of the ship, flinching with the pain of it.
K2 clangs over in a hurry and fusses. "You are both being irrational. You will need to get that looked at, Cassian!"
He can't even tell his droid to shut up again, he just dives back into fixing up the ship until he exhausts every possible delay and unnecessary repair. The walk back to his room is long, and he feels like every single person is looking at him like they know what he did, even when in reality only a handful of rebels even give him a passing glance.
Their room is empty and dark, and after he shuts the door behind him, Cassian stands there staring at the bed for some indiscriminate amount of time. He makes his way to the sink and scrubs his hands raw, ignoring the way his knuckles are purpling. He showers, washing away the rest of the physical reminders of a successful mission with a high body count, and by the time he's back out and ready to collapse into bed, he very seriously considers sleeping on the floor.
Or laying, at least. He's not going to be able to sleep any time soon.
He sits at the edge of the bed, unable to bring himself to push further in when it's so empty. It's bad enough trying to sleep alone when they're not on the same planet. Elbows on his knees, he leans his head into his hands and tries not to think about how he wishes Jyn were here, but the other option is thinking about the Rebellion so really it's a no-win situation. Eventually he slides to the floor and tilts his head back against the mattress, arms over his knees and eyes closed like maybe if he does that much he can at least get something that sort of qualifies as rest, as long as he can keep everything inside him trapped on mute.
Jyn sits down at a desk and from the look on her face, no one even bats an eyelash at her presence, even the person meant to be sitting at the desk. Her expression doesn't invite conversation.
Which doesn't stop Chirrut, who marches right in after Jyn's been there a few hours, eyelids trying to fall shut. She ignores him for a commendable length of time until he starts talking louder and louder and she leaps up from the chair to slam her hand over his mouth. Whatever he was aiming for is lost in Jyn's tidal wave of anger and, for once, Chirrut decides that he isn't going to change Jyn's mind.
He leaves her alone as requested, but a couple hours later Baze sits down next to her, putting his huge hand on her shoulder. "He needs you, little sister."
It's the middle of the night when the door to their room slides open after Jyn's types in the overly complicated password. She slips inside silently, squinting into the dim light. Her chest tightens when she sees him but she doesn't say anything. She also doesn't run away again. Quietly, she folds herself down on the floor next to him and curls her arms around his shoulders, tugging him toward her.
Cassian has lost complete track of time when the door opens, and it registers that Jyn is the only one who could enter two seconds before he reaches for his blaster. He opens his eyes and catches sight of her frame halo'd in the doorway before she closes it behind her, and he still wonders if maybe he fell asleep, because there's no reason for her to be here.
But then he feels her settle beside him and feels her arms drop around him. He stiffens, like maybe it's still fake or maybe he still doesn't deserve it. Against his will, he finds himself leaning into her and how warm and alive she is.
He can count on one hand the number of times she's apologized, and normally he might tease her about it. He still doesn't really know what to do with his hands, because as much as he wants to touch her, he can't bring himself to do it.
He sinks against her more, even if his hands ball into fists and come to rest on his legs. He doesn't think he has any right to ask, but he can't bear the thought of her running away again even more, and maybe that's a sign he hasn't totally cut off all his emotions, or maybe she just cracked open the cage by touching him. It's not like anyone's ever done that in these moments before. "Please stay."
Pressing a kiss to his hair, Jyn shakes her head slowly. She still can't shake the feeling that Cassian is going to wash his hands of her like a mistake better off forgotten, but she can't forget what Baze had told her, holding her face between his large, gentle hands.
You're not opponents, Jyn. Fight the battle, not each other.
She holds him tighter, like she can hold him together with her arms around him alone, as if that would somehow be enough. "I'm not going anywhere, I promise."
He shudders under the kiss, like the affection stings, but he closes his eyes and lets it wash over him anyway. He lets her promise wash over him too, even if he wouldn't blame her for breaking it should she find out about the mission.
The pit at his stomach grabs hold again, and he turns his head, burying his face against her as her grip tightens around him. It would be nice to disappear into her arms. There is a part of him yelling that he's being too weak, but Jyn is already familiar with all the worst parts of him, vulnerability and all.
"I have three more days leave." It feels like too much and not enough. His voice feels scratchy. "I earned it," he adds, and he could not sound more bitter if he tried.
Jyn's eyes close at his tone, stiffening with the sudden understanding of his mood, why he wouldn't find her, why he had sat himself uncomfortable on the floor. It takes a lot of effort to relax against him, fearing he might take any action, or even inaction, the wrong way. She is certainly prone to doing so when she is upset.
Her forehead rests against the top of his head. "Get in bed, Cassian. We can talk there." Only then does she release her grip, but only slightly.
He is hyperaware of the way she stiffens and automatically assumes it's his fault, even if there's no visible sign. But he's also hyperaware of how she relaxes soon after. Cassian is always vigilant, but it always feels extra when he comes back from missions like these.
He misses her arms as soon as she starts to let him go and vaguely registers her plea to get in bed. "I don't want to talk," is the automatic and monotonous reply, because classified, because he's never needed to, because he doesn't want to make Jyn leave or disgust her like he disgusts himself.
But he gets to his feet unsteadily, refusing to use her for support to stand, which is at the very least a sign he's going to get in bed. Maybe. He stares at it again instead of crawling in, frowning deeply.
Jyn frowns herself as she scrambles to her feet next to him, feeling off balance because she doesn't know what to do to help him or just open him up even a little bit.
"Alright, you don't need to talk." Prime candidate for avoiding conversation is Jyn herself, she can't begrudge him the same avoidances. Maybe she should push or pry or force him to open up but if he did that to her it would start a fight and she is trying very hard to avoid fighting with him right now because they are supposed to be one the same team. "We can stand here all night. Or sit. Or lay down. We don't have to talk at all. But you have to look at me."
Cassian doesn't know what he wants, because he isn't used to having someone here with him. Usually he just stares into space until passing out from complete inability to keep awake any longer.
A few more seconds of silence go by, before he turns his head and looks at her, the slow tilt like he's afraid she won't like what she sees. His eyes are a little unfocused, his mind trying to draw him back planetside.
His gaze moves over her face, her pale cheeks in the dim light, the unkempt hair hanging over her forehead, her chapped lips, the scratches on her chin, the circles under her eyes undoubtedly matching his, and his chest aches. He closes his eyes tightly, trying to push out dead agents and replace them with Jyn's face, but it seems cruel somehow, like he's abandoning them twice.
They snap open and land back on her, making sure she hasn't suddenly left. He sits soon after, because he doesn't like the sensation of looking downward at her.
Jyn is used to looking up at him. She knows every faint freckle, the curve of his chin, the shadow of his perpetual stubble, the tiny scars hidden beneath. She is entirely used to that view from every angle, she is unused to looking down at him, but after a moment of uncertainty she refuses to let it stop her.
Stepping forward, she moves between his legs and uses her index finger to gently tip his chin up.
"You don't have to talk. But you can't--" Her chin wobbles briefly and she looks to the ceiling to get control of herself before she continues. As much as Cassian isn't pushing her away it still feels like he is, like he's going to ask her to leave. She tries to ignore that part of herself. There's a protracted silence before she looks down again and starts over. "You don't have to talk, but you can't keep me out. That's not what this is. We're not alone anymore."
His hands stay uselessly in his lap, still afraid to touch her. She tilts his chin and he allows it with no fight, even if his jaw clenches.
Cassian is fine with hurting himself, but he doesn't want to hurt Jyn. He looks a little ashamed, and the temptation is there to look away, but he doesn't, even if his shoulders curl inward.
"I don't know how to do this with another person," he quietly admits. He doesn't know how to cope successfully in general, but especially in a way that allows him to keep hold on the family he has come to love with a fierceness he was never supposed to have to be a good spy.
The only option has always been shut down when it got too bad. Jyn makes that impossible, but he doesn't know how to pull himself back out of this without locking away his feelings. He's been on terrible missions since Scarif, but none of them have been this bad.
Jyn's never been all that shy about admitting she doesn't like Cassian's job. She knows it's an unfortunate necessity and that what he does will help promise peace in the galaxy and she knows he is the best at what he does.
But she hates how it makes him feel. She hates the way he isn't allowed to talk about it, the way he comes home silent sometimes and washes away blood and sin in the shower, the way he struggles with his job. Luckily, Draven has always been an easy repository for her hate -- first for her father, it had quickly become because of Cassian. She hates what the rebellion makes Cassian do. They had survived impossible odds and the worst kind of near death but while she and Bodhi are tasked with missions that are comparably easy, Cassian is still sent out on his intelligence missions.
And Jyn doesn't know how to help him deal with that kind of fall out.
Her mouth slants into a frown, fingers sliding up to push his hair back from his temple, soft and easy. "What do you need?"
He closes his eyes when she runs her fingers through his hair, both taking comfort in the gesture and feeling bad that he is. They stay closed for a few long seconds, while he struggles with basking in how close she is to him.
No one's ever really asked him that before, especially post-mission, because what Cassian Andor needs doesn't usually matter in the face of what the Rebellion needs.
He probably needs a break. Not just a few days before another mission comes his way. "I don't know." That's probably part of why he avoided Jyn too, the uncertainty of getting her help. He's grown more comfortable with trusting her with himself, but if he can't be in control after a mission like this he doesn't know who he is. He doesn't want to fall apart completely.
He wants to hold her, but he's afraid to. "I need it to go away."
Jyn doesn't think she is capable of making that happen, especially when her first instinct is to stalk down the hall and punch Draven in the face. She tempers that instinct solely because leaving Cassian right now feel impossible.
He's sat with her grieving Saw and her father and their compatriots that died on Scarif once they actually had time to grieve, the least she can do is stay with him now.
But she doesn't know what to do and everything she thinks to offer seems inadequate. After a moment, letting her hand fall to his shoulder, she sit next to him, tucking one leg beneath her so she can face him. "Tell me about it. Let it go."
It can't ever really go away is the thing, and he knows that, just like he knows come the morning it'll be tucked away in a box with all the other deaths on his conscience.
Cassian tilts his body towards hers when she sits, pulled in like an orbit. He closes his eyes again and frowns. "I'm afraid if I do, you will leave."
She hates what he does and that's another thing he knows. He always worries that one day a choice he makes will be too much for her, that she'll look at him and realize he isn't as good as she insists. That his hands are too bloody for her to keep holding. He believes in the Rebellion wholeheartedly, but it doesn't mean Cassian isn't aware it's probably ruining him from the inside out to carve out that hope for the universe.
"I won't," she says in a hurry, shaking her head even though he's not even looking at her. Her hands lift to cradle his face, pulling herself in closer, touching her forehead to his very briefly.
"Cassian, there is nothing you can say that will make me leave this room or you. I understand what you do." She doesn't hate it any less, but she knows why it has to be done. It's messy, dirty work and it bothers her down deep that Cassian is the one carrying out this work that is so unsavory no one else is even allowed to know about it.
He'd been tasked with murdering her father.
He had walked away because the ends didn't justify the means in that instance (and, to some degree she knows, because of her), but it had remained even in the aftermath something of a secret. Mon Mothma apologized to Jyn for what they had done to her, what she had lost, but it hadn't been the apology of a woman who sentenced her father to death. Draven's job was to keep her hands clean, and that meant dirtying Cassian's in the process. For the good of the rebellion. That is what Jyn hates about Cassian's job.
He leans into her touch when she cradles his face, starved for the affection even if he still thinks he doesn't deserve it. Her quick reassurances settle him against the voice in his head that tells him she can still break the promise, once she finds out what he's done.
But she says I promise, and his eyes open to meet hers. She's so close he can feel her breath on his skin, and he aches with how much he missed her. Slowly, so very slowly, he raises his hands up. They start to shake but he doesn't lower them, gently pressing his fingertips to the back of her hands and carefully sliding them to cover her hands with his, to keep her there.
They're still shaking, but he breathes out something like relief to finally touch her, like it's more proof she won't actually leave, proof that his hands exist beyond killing. He believes her. He wants to talk to her, and he trusts her with his whole self, even the bad parts. Since he's known her, she's understood him on a level no one else really has.
"I lost two agents," he says quietly, which is terrible enough on it's own and only the start. "And I thought to myself for a few moments as I was leaving, should I have been with them?"
No he shouldn't have been with them, but Jyn knows that is her own care for him talking and so she doesn't voice that. Obviously Jyn cares more about Cassian than strangers because she is human and maybe not a good person. Should he have been with them? Jyn doesn't have any of the facts so she can't say it would have changed anything.
Maybe three people would have saved them all, maybe it would have killed them all. Jyn doesn't know but she is glad he wasn't with them, as cruel as that may be. She's always been more selfish than selfless. Her fingers shift a little, spreading apart as if inviting him to actually hold her hands, not just cover them.
"That wasn't your part of the mission though." It couldn't have been or Cassia would have been with them. She knows how he works within the confines of a mission, he's had to reel her in from intervening when she saw someone else's part going wrong, remind her that slipping away from her particular role in the dance could compromise the entire mission even worse.
It's a little delayed, but he slides his fingers through hers when she spreads them, winding together even as she keeps holding his face. His one hand is stiff and knuckles a little swollen from punching the ship, but he can't bear to pull away from her now that he's finally touched her.
"Placing them was part of my mission. It wasn't - they were never supposed to die. But they did, and why do I get to be the lucky one?" There is something cynical on the last words, because the only lucky thing he feels right now is having Jyn with him. He doesn't want to die at all, but he does marvel at how many times he escapes while others don't. It isn't that he should have been with them in the building so much as wondering if he should have died too.
"Rhel Kolbrun and Tiric Gundo. Someone else should know their names too." A beat. He feels like he needs to defend himself from being so effected, a decade of - for lack of better words - sucking it up. "I have lost agents before. I'm always prepared for the possibility."
"Cassian." Slowly, she draws their clasped hands down into her lap, pulling his hands closer to her, like she can pull him closer to her, sooth some broken edge with her presence alone. She finds this a devastating failure because she's setting impossible standards for herself.
"Is this lucky?" Her voice pitches up a little in disbelief. "If it were it wouldn't hurt so much to get out of bed in the morning because you hate everything about yourself, second guessing every single decision and choice you've ever made until you feel physically ill. There is nothing lucky about surviving, Cassian."
That was maybe too bitter to be helpful and she puffs out a short sigh before trying again. "You have a heart, losing people shouldn't be easy."
He lets her pull his hands, watching the movement with an ounce of nerves, like if he gets too close to her everything will be ruined. She's wrong though, because Jyn does sooth him. And maybe that's part of why he avoided her too, the sinking feeling that he didn't deserve to be soothed.
Cassian looks up at her again, and she's right on that front. It's not luck, and he does hate himself; some days it's not so bad, on the days he gets to smile at her or Bodhi, or laugh with Chirrut, or drink with Baze. They remind him that even if surviving is a challenge, there are pieces that help. He never had that before.
It doesn't mean he can't recognize the bitterness in it because he feels it. It's overwhelming right now, especially after hearing it so plainly, like she's completely read him for filth. "The alternative is not lucky either."
It's the strangest pinch of a feeling, not wanting to die but still feeling like you've escaped death too many times. Cassian knows how to survive both the world and things he does, but the cost of it is still killing him slowly.
"It's supposed to be, in this." He squeezes her hands a little. Does he have a heart? It's a good question. "Even when you are the reason why it happens. To do this work, I need to be prepared to cut any losses."
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ohnofeelstho2017-03-22 07:37 pm
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Cassian opens his mouth to tell her to wait, even lifts his hand up to stop her. Instead he brings it up and pinches his nose again, closing his eyes tightly.
"Jyn -" Don't go, go. It used to be so much easier to shut himself off, but now it hurts other people to do so, and he's so tired of doing that. The overnights sound like a lie, because it's not like she's been back very long either, he checked the files -
Her smile is so weak and he imagines her real one, the kind he gets to pull out of her, and he doesn't feel capable of doing it again in this moment. "You don't have to -"
What? Leave? Stay away from their room? She always chips away at his walls even when she's not even trying.
K2 chimes in, because even if his deepest core is full of side-eye towards Jyn, he apparently recognizes they sleep better with each other than alone. He even sounds worried. "That's irresponsible. You both need a solid night's rest at this point."
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changed his mind.
She can't say she's surprised. She'd tried very hard but she's always thought Cassian deserved something better than her.
"It's-- I'm going to be late so." She shoves her hands in her pockets, steps back further, shoulders hunching like she can curl in on herself. Everyone had tried to warn her and she didn't listen. "At least tell Bodhi you're back. He missed you."
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Cassian stands there dumbly. Hollow. Bodhi missed him. So did Jyn, and he missed them both terribly but he doesn't deserve the camaraderie Rogue One brings him. He aches for their affection but he thinks it might burn him if he let himself accept it. Jyn clearly does not want to give it anyway.
He looks down at his hands and twists his fingers into the fabric of his pants to stop them from shaking. He turns sideways, like he's going to get back on the ship, but looks back at her again, drinking in her image like it can erase everything else in his head from being planetside even as she walks away from him. It might have helped, if she wasn't leaving. Instead he finds himself shutting down more pieces of himself, the years old mechanism too easy to fall back on when what he's done is too much to deal with.
"Don't overwork yourself." A beat. "Please."
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"Yeah." Feeling dismissed, she turns and strides away, making no effort to hide her hurry. She practically runs, but she's always been something of a runaway. She obviously doesn't have a shift to get to, but that isn't going to stop her from working a full shift.
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Cassian watches her leave in a rush, each step feeling like it's right on his chest, but he just keeps telling himself he has no right to feel hurt, not when he created this distance. He tries to shut that part off too, with only marginal success.
Two seconds later he punches the hull of the ship, flinching with the pain of it.
K2 clangs over in a hurry and fusses. "You are both being irrational. You will need to get that looked at, Cassian!"
He can't even tell his droid to shut up again, he just dives back into fixing up the ship until he exhausts every possible delay and unnecessary repair. The walk back to his room is long, and he feels like every single person is looking at him like they know what he did, even when in reality only a handful of rebels even give him a passing glance.
Their room is empty and dark, and after he shuts the door behind him, Cassian stands there staring at the bed for some indiscriminate amount of time. He makes his way to the sink and scrubs his hands raw, ignoring the way his knuckles are purpling. He showers, washing away the rest of the physical reminders of a successful mission with a high body count, and by the time he's back out and ready to collapse into bed, he very seriously considers sleeping on the floor.
Or laying, at least. He's not going to be able to sleep any time soon.
He sits at the edge of the bed, unable to bring himself to push further in when it's so empty. It's bad enough trying to sleep alone when they're not on the same planet. Elbows on his knees, he leans his head into his hands and tries not to think about how he wishes Jyn were here, but the other option is thinking about the Rebellion so really it's a no-win situation. Eventually he slides to the floor and tilts his head back against the mattress, arms over his knees and eyes closed like maybe if he does that much he can at least get something that sort of qualifies as rest, as long as he can keep everything inside him trapped on mute.
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Which doesn't stop Chirrut, who marches right in after Jyn's been there a few hours, eyelids trying to fall shut. She ignores him for a commendable length of time until he starts talking louder and louder and she leaps up from the chair to slam her hand over his mouth. Whatever he was aiming for is lost in Jyn's tidal wave of anger and, for once, Chirrut decides that he isn't going to change Jyn's mind.
He leaves her alone as requested, but a couple hours later Baze sits down next to her, putting his huge hand on her shoulder. "He needs you, little sister."
It's the middle of the night when the door to their room slides open after Jyn's types in the overly complicated password. She slips inside silently, squinting into the dim light. Her chest tightens when she sees him but she doesn't say anything. She also doesn't run away again. Quietly, she folds herself down on the floor next to him and curls her arms around his shoulders, tugging him toward her.
"I'm sorry."
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But then he feels her settle beside him and feels her arms drop around him. He stiffens, like maybe it's still fake or maybe he still doesn't deserve it. Against his will, he finds himself leaning into her and how warm and alive she is.
He can count on one hand the number of times she's apologized, and normally he might tease her about it. He still doesn't really know what to do with his hands, because as much as he wants to touch her, he can't bring himself to do it.
He sinks against her more, even if his hands ball into fists and come to rest on his legs. He doesn't think he has any right to ask, but he can't bear the thought of her running away again even more, and maybe that's a sign he hasn't totally cut off all his emotions, or maybe she just cracked open the cage by touching him. It's not like anyone's ever done that in these moments before. "Please stay."
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You're not opponents, Jyn. Fight the battle, not each other.
She holds him tighter, like she can hold him together with her arms around him alone, as if that would somehow be enough. "I'm not going anywhere, I promise."
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The pit at his stomach grabs hold again, and he turns his head, burying his face against her as her grip tightens around him. It would be nice to disappear into her arms. There is a part of him yelling that he's being too weak, but Jyn is already familiar with all the worst parts of him, vulnerability and all.
"I have three more days leave." It feels like too much and not enough. His voice feels scratchy. "I earned it," he adds, and he could not sound more bitter if he tried.
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Jyn's eyes close at his tone, stiffening with the sudden understanding of his mood, why he wouldn't find her, why he had sat himself uncomfortable on the floor. It takes a lot of effort to relax against him, fearing he might take any action, or even inaction, the wrong way. She is certainly prone to doing so when she is upset.
Her forehead rests against the top of his head. "Get in bed, Cassian. We can talk there." Only then does she release her grip, but only slightly.
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He misses her arms as soon as she starts to let him go and vaguely registers her plea to get in bed. "I don't want to talk," is the automatic and monotonous reply, because classified, because he's never needed to, because he doesn't want to make Jyn leave or disgust her like he disgusts himself.
But he gets to his feet unsteadily, refusing to use her for support to stand, which is at the very least a sign he's going to get in bed. Maybe. He stares at it again instead of crawling in, frowning deeply.
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"Alright, you don't need to talk." Prime candidate for avoiding conversation is Jyn herself, she can't begrudge him the same avoidances. Maybe she should push or pry or force him to open up but if he did that to her it would start a fight and she is trying very hard to avoid fighting with him right now because they are supposed to be one the same team. "We can stand here all night. Or sit. Or lay down. We don't have to talk at all. But you have to look at me."
Silence she can deal with.
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A few more seconds of silence go by, before he turns his head and looks at her, the slow tilt like he's afraid she won't like what she sees. His eyes are a little unfocused, his mind trying to draw him back planetside.
His gaze moves over her face, her pale cheeks in the dim light, the unkempt hair hanging over her forehead, her chapped lips, the scratches on her chin, the circles under her eyes undoubtedly matching his, and his chest aches. He closes his eyes tightly, trying to push out dead agents and replace them with Jyn's face, but it seems cruel somehow, like he's abandoning them twice.
They snap open and land back on her, making sure she hasn't suddenly left. He sits soon after, because he doesn't like the sensation of looking downward at her.
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Stepping forward, she moves between his legs and uses her index finger to gently tip his chin up.
"You don't have to talk. But you can't--" Her chin wobbles briefly and she looks to the ceiling to get control of herself before she continues. As much as Cassian isn't pushing her away it still feels like he is, like he's going to ask her to leave. She tries to ignore that part of herself. There's a protracted silence before she looks down again and starts over. "You don't have to talk, but you can't keep me out. That's not what this is. We're not alone anymore."
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Cassian is fine with hurting himself, but he doesn't want to hurt Jyn. He looks a little ashamed, and the temptation is there to look away, but he doesn't, even if his shoulders curl inward.
"I don't know how to do this with another person," he quietly admits. He doesn't know how to cope successfully in general, but especially in a way that allows him to keep hold on the family he has come to love with a fierceness he was never supposed to have to be a good spy.
The only option has always been shut down when it got too bad. Jyn makes that impossible, but he doesn't know how to pull himself back out of this without locking away his feelings. He's been on terrible missions since Scarif, but none of them have been this bad.
He wonders, briefly, if he's becoming incapable.
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But she hates how it makes him feel. She hates the way he isn't allowed to talk about it, the way he comes home silent sometimes and washes away blood and sin in the shower, the way he struggles with his job. Luckily, Draven has always been an easy repository for her hate -- first for her father, it had quickly become because of Cassian. She hates what the rebellion makes Cassian do. They had survived impossible odds and the worst kind of near death but while she and Bodhi are tasked with missions that are comparably easy, Cassian is still sent out on his intelligence missions.
And Jyn doesn't know how to help him deal with that kind of fall out.
Her mouth slants into a frown, fingers sliding up to push his hair back from his temple, soft and easy. "What do you need?"
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No one's ever really asked him that before, especially post-mission, because what Cassian Andor needs doesn't usually matter in the face of what the Rebellion needs.
He probably needs a break. Not just a few days before another mission comes his way. "I don't know." That's probably part of why he avoided Jyn too, the uncertainty of getting her help. He's grown more comfortable with trusting her with himself, but if he can't be in control after a mission like this he doesn't know who he is. He doesn't want to fall apart completely.
He wants to hold her, but he's afraid to. "I need it to go away."
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He's sat with her grieving Saw and her father and their compatriots that died on Scarif once they actually had time to grieve, the least she can do is stay with him now.
But she doesn't know what to do and everything she thinks to offer seems inadequate. After a moment, letting her hand fall to his shoulder, she sit next to him, tucking one leg beneath her so she can face him. "Tell me about it. Let it go."
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Cassian tilts his body towards hers when she sits, pulled in like an orbit. He closes his eyes again and frowns. "I'm afraid if I do, you will leave."
She hates what he does and that's another thing he knows. He always worries that one day a choice he makes will be too much for her, that she'll look at him and realize he isn't as good as she insists. That his hands are too bloody for her to keep holding. He believes in the Rebellion wholeheartedly, but it doesn't mean Cassian isn't aware it's probably ruining him from the inside out to carve out that hope for the universe.
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"Cassian, there is nothing you can say that will make me leave this room or you. I understand what you do." She doesn't hate it any less, but she knows why it has to be done. It's messy, dirty work and it bothers her down deep that Cassian is the one carrying out this work that is so unsavory no one else is even allowed to know about it.
He'd been tasked with murdering her father.
He had walked away because the ends didn't justify the means in that instance (and, to some degree she knows, because of her), but it had remained even in the aftermath something of a secret. Mon Mothma apologized to Jyn for what they had done to her, what she had lost, but it hadn't been the apology of a woman who sentenced her father to death. Draven's job was to keep her hands clean, and that meant dirtying Cassian's in the process. For the good of the rebellion. That is what Jyn hates about Cassian's job.
Everything else she thinks she can deal with.
"I promise."
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But she says I promise, and his eyes open to meet hers. She's so close he can feel her breath on his skin, and he aches with how much he missed her. Slowly, so very slowly, he raises his hands up. They start to shake but he doesn't lower them, gently pressing his fingertips to the back of her hands and carefully sliding them to cover her hands with his, to keep her there.
They're still shaking, but he breathes out something like relief to finally touch her, like it's more proof she won't actually leave, proof that his hands exist beyond killing. He believes her. He wants to talk to her, and he trusts her with his whole self, even the bad parts. Since he's known her, she's understood him on a level no one else really has.
"I lost two agents," he says quietly, which is terrible enough on it's own and only the start. "And I thought to myself for a few moments as I was leaving, should I have been with them?"
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No he shouldn't have been with them, but Jyn knows that is her own care for him talking and so she doesn't voice that. Obviously Jyn cares more about Cassian than strangers because she is human and maybe not a good person. Should he have been with them? Jyn doesn't have any of the facts so she can't say it would have changed anything.
Maybe three people would have saved them all, maybe it would have killed them all. Jyn doesn't know but she is glad he wasn't with them, as cruel as that may be. She's always been more selfish than selfless. Her fingers shift a little, spreading apart as if inviting him to actually hold her hands, not just cover them.
"That wasn't your part of the mission though." It couldn't have been or Cassia would have been with them. She knows how he works within the confines of a mission, he's had to reel her in from intervening when she saw someone else's part going wrong, remind her that slipping away from her particular role in the dance could compromise the entire mission even worse.
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"Placing them was part of my mission. It wasn't - they were never supposed to die. But they did, and why do I get to be the lucky one?" There is something cynical on the last words, because the only lucky thing he feels right now is having Jyn with him. He doesn't want to die at all, but he does marvel at how many times he escapes while others don't. It isn't that he should have been with them in the building so much as wondering if he should have died too.
"Rhel Kolbrun and Tiric Gundo. Someone else should know their names too." A beat. He feels like he needs to defend himself from being so effected, a decade of - for lack of better words - sucking it up. "I have lost agents before. I'm always prepared for the possibility."
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"Cassian." Slowly, she draws their clasped hands down into her lap, pulling his hands closer to her, like she can pull him closer to her, sooth some broken edge with her presence alone. She finds this a devastating failure because she's setting impossible standards for herself.
"Is this lucky?" Her voice pitches up a little in disbelief. "If it were it wouldn't hurt so much to get out of bed in the morning because you hate everything about yourself, second guessing every single decision and choice you've ever made until you feel physically ill. There is nothing lucky about surviving, Cassian."
That was maybe too bitter to be helpful and she puffs out a short sigh before trying again. "You have a heart, losing people shouldn't be easy."
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Cassian looks up at her again, and she's right on that front. It's not luck, and he does hate himself; some days it's not so bad, on the days he gets to smile at her or Bodhi, or laugh with Chirrut, or drink with Baze. They remind him that even if surviving is a challenge, there are pieces that help. He never had that before.
It doesn't mean he can't recognize the bitterness in it because he feels it. It's overwhelming right now, especially after hearing it so plainly, like she's completely read him for filth. "The alternative is not lucky either."
It's the strangest pinch of a feeling, not wanting to die but still feeling like you've escaped death too many times. Cassian knows how to survive both the world and things he does, but the cost of it is still killing him slowly.
"It's supposed to be, in this." He squeezes her hands a little. Does he have a heart? It's a good question. "Even when you are the reason why it happens. To do this work, I need to be prepared to cut any losses."
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