It takes her manhandling him to look, and even then he can't look passed her jaw at first and the way it sits angrily. It's only when she starts talking about Tamsye Prime that he finally meets her gaze and exhales at the softness of her eyes. His breath comes in hard, but at least it's not the rapid fire of a panic attack.
The way she talks about the planet, her arrest, it has him moving, lifting his hand up to cradle her cheek, because he can't touch her for himself but Cassian can do it for her. Even while he can barely hold himself upright, he wants to comfort her too.
Jyn's prison sentence was for life, but she served only six months before the Alliance broke her out. Cassian knows what happens in their prisons too. He's been inside them, both with short purposeful prisoner stints and undercover with Imperial identities.
If there is anyone who can understand him right now and this chasm he's standing over, it's Jyn.
"I have told myself again and again these same things. That the Empire will always be worse. And I know it is. That's why I do this. It's why I fight them."
The Empire is always worse. It is and he knows that. It's been drilled into him for years, but hearing it from Jyn is different. She hates what he does. She threw it in his face before. But she's still here, telling him the Empire is worse, and it's a strange comfort to breathe in. For the good of the galaxy is a slippery slope, but maybe he hasn't fallen completely off track. His breathing slows down.
His shoulders sink in, not so much defeat as exhaustion. He finally lets himself lean into her hand on his cheek. His voice is quiet like he's afraid to admit it, and he is, but if he can't be vulnerable with Jyn, that's the scarier part of his life now. Losing her is more terrifying than facing himself. He doesn't want to go back to being lonely, even if it was easier to turn off his emotions that way. "But I'm tired, Jyn. I'm so tired."
He's finally given into her touch and Jyn immediately takes advantage of it, pulling him forward so she can curl her arms around his shoulders, enveloping him in a hug, mind racing with a silent to do list. Number one on it is telling Draven Cassian needs more than three days leave.
He needs a week, a least. She and K2 can whisk him off base, they can call it a mission, go someplace Cassian can still gather intel for stress relief and so he doesn't feel like he's wasting his time, but where his only obligations are to relax for once and indulge. Han had told her about a forest planet, lush and green with plants she's never even heard of, back when he was trying to flirt with her, a neutral planet outside of reaches of galactic politics. He'd called the castle there a safe haven of sorts if they ever wanted to get away for a while. She'd pulled her blaster and suggested his downtime would be better spent recovering from massive blood loss in the medbay and Han had never brought it up again.
It didn't mean Jyn had forgotten this supposed smuggler's safe harbor, where even Jedi had hidden once upon a time.
He stiffens when she hugs him, those few seconds still feeling unworthy, but she says I know and he finds himself sinking wholly into her arms. Starved.
There are no judgments, there's no rush from her to get back to work. It's pure acceptance and acknowledgement of how he's feeling without trying to change his mind, without trying to put the Rebellion first, and he can't really remember the last time that happened when he was in this state, if it's ever happened at all.
Her kiss is affection he finally doesn't fight, closing his eyes with it. He ducks his head into the crook of her neck and shoulder and slides his arms around her back, more of a cling than a hug but at least he's not pretending he doesn't crave this anymore. Cassian shudders, overwhelmed by the sense of being cared for despite her knowing what he's done. Jyn's embrace is proof that to at least one person he deserves comfort.
I know.
It's validation he never sought and never needed before, but he's going to take it from her now and hold on. She knows and it's okay, it's okay that he's tired. It's two words but it tells him he doesn't have to be anything other than tired right now. He doesn't have to figure out immediately how to get better, how to function, he doesn't have to be a Captain. He can just be Cassian with Jyn, settled in her arms and maybe it's not enough for coping forever, but it helps now. She puts him first and so few people have ever done that.
He loves her. He loves her so much and the feeling helps combat all the worst things he believes about himself, because he has to have a heart to be so in love with Jyn Erso. She doesn't deserve anything less.
His arms tighten around her and he breathes out again, slower, safer, slowly settling.
He's relaxing and Jyn is afraid she's going to ruin it. She wants him to relax, she wants him to be calm and be able to sleep, but she also wants to take care of the practical side of things now.
She lets the quiet linger a long while more, waiting until his breath matches hers, smoothing her fingers carefully though his hair. Her fingers keep moving when she finally breaks the silence with her quiet voice.
"Cassian, I'm going to leave for ten minutes and while I'm gone I want you to do two things for me. Just two things." Only two things, because she doesn't want to push him too hard, but she is going to make him take care of himself while she is taking care of things he can't take care of. She needs to talk to Draven now before he thinks to put Cassian on some other mission the moment his handful of days leave are over -- she honestly doesn't care if she wakes his damn ass up.
There is immense comfort to being in her arms. She runs her hands through his hair and he listens to her breathe and it's the closest to peace he's felt since the bomb went off.
Cassian hears the words I'm going to leave and finds his grip around her tightening before she even continues. It doesn't slacken, not even when she explains, but his breath keeps steady and slow. He's not sure what he even feels capable of right now except laying here against her. He doesn't want to let her go, but he does trust her, which is probably the only thing that allows him to consider it.
"What things?" He can't say okay, not until he knows what she's asking of him.
The way his arms tighten around her makes her heart break, but his question makes her feel better. Not only is he talking still, but his instinct to need to know everything is still strong. Her fingers don't stop combing though his hair, but she smiles as she presses a kiss to the top of his head.
"I need you to bathe and to shave. You'll feel better. When I'm back we can sleep."
She isn't asking a lot because she doesn't think it's fair, now when the Alliance is asking so much of him all the time. But he's proved to her time and time over that being clean helps clear the mind and if it works for her she can't help but think it probably works for him too.
It's advice he give to Jyn, advice he gives to all manner of people, because cleaning up is a mechanical enough routine to accomplish, a feat to focus on instead of all the terrible things floating in your head.
He's still unresponsive for a few long seconds though, the movement of her fingers steadying, his grip on her still unrelenting.
"Okay," he says finally, if only because she's listened to him before, and he doesn't have it in him to argue. He's washed off most of the blood and grime already, but shaving he can do. He forgot about that.
"Where are you going?" He thinks it might help too, just to know where she is. Even if she doesn't want to tell him her plans, she could tell him virtually anywhere and he'd be at ease.
"I'm going to medical to get something for your hand." It's going to get worse the longer it goes untreated, even if it's just a tube of bacta gel and something to wrap it in and she doesn't think he's going to let anyone else tend to him. He's also done that for her when she punched a medical droid, close enough to a ship.
She can easily grab that stuff once she's done demanding his time off from Draven.
The steady movement of her fingers continues, she isn't going to move until he does, isn't going to try to pry herself out of his arms when he clearly doesn't even want her to move, much less leave him even if only for ten minutes.
Oh, right. He punched the ship. Only now does the sting of it register and he should probably let her go get something for it, otherwise he knows he isn't going to bother. Until he can stand upright again, Cassian has no intention of leaving his room. That's standard, when he's come back from missions like this. Locking himself away till he's a functional human being.
Even so, he lets her keep running her hand through his hair, taking a few more minutes of comfort from it before he shifts, letting his grip loosen as he pulls back to look at her face.
I love you he thinks again. He disentangles slowly, but lets himself cup her cheek and run his thumb over it. "Okay," he says, the verbal sign that it's okay for her to leave now. He's a little marveled to be cared for like this.
He finally pulls away and Jyn lets her hand finally fall from his hair to his knee, smiling softly as his fingers touch her cheek. At least the Alliance hasn't broken this part of him.
She lean forward to kiss him, gentle and careful. "Don't shave too much." Let's not get crazy.
Her smile feels like coming home. He can't make himself smile back, but she's still smiling at him even after what he's done, so that has to mean something. He feels not quite lighter, but maybe like he'll be able to sleep tonight.
Cassian returns her kiss on instinct, but it's half-hearted. "Don't take too long."
"I won't." She kisses him once more before standing up and then once she's standing, she leans down to kiss his hair, murmuring "I love you" softly before she turns to slip out of the room.
The first thing she does is find Draven. She doesn't know where his personal rooms are, but she finds one of his Intelligence officers and demands he find the General for her, waiting for him in the war room. Surprisingly, he doesn't make her wait very long before he joins her and Jyn spends a full four minutes yelling at him though he seems to realize that she isn't yelling at him or even the Alliance, she's just yelling because the fact that their lives are so broken is inescapable. He lets her yell. When she is finished and demands Cassian's leave be extended, Draven finally relents when she offers her idea of spending that time at Takodana so they can still relay intel to the Alliance and maybe even stealthily recruit new people even though the planet is neutral. She wants Draven to pose it to Cassian himself, as a mission, with all of Rogue One, so he won't realize he's being put on vacation until they get there.
Somehow they come to an agreement. Maybe Draven is just swayed by the idea that Jyn hunted him down to achieve this objective considering her disdain for him is well known. It's softening somewhat now.
It only gives Jyn a minute or so to sprint to medbay to grab the things for his hand and back to the room. She literally runs down the hall, typing the password into the door in a hurry. She fucks it up and it beeps at her in affront until she puts it in correctly, frowning as the door slides open to let her in.
"The medical droids are so unhelpful." No, they just don't like you because of your excessive violence, Jyn.
He still sits on the bed for a minute or so after Jyn leaves, but he doesn't feel as completely useless now, and he knows she's coming back soon. It always seems to surprise him a little when she tells him she loves him aloud. With a sigh and an ache in his bones that isn't related to recent injury, Cassian slides off the bed and towards the refresher.
He stares at his face in the mirror, the circles under his eyes and the beard that's longer than he likes to keep it. He shaves, like Jyn told him to, focusing on the monotony of the movements and slowly trimming his beard back to normal.
His eyes are on Jyn instantly when she walks in, and he feels cleaner, even if he still doesn't feel totally human. But he looks at her fondly from where he's back to sitting on the bed, which is better than empty. "Please tell me you did not punch one again," he says, voice still hoarse and tone not as teasing as he'd like, but at least it's not overwhelming existential dread. Just 50%.
"I did not," is her immediate protest, moving to perch on the bed next to him, settling the gel and bandage next to them. "They just insist on asking me so many questions whenever I'm in there. It's none of their business what I need anything for."
It's exactly their business though. Still, it's better talking about her constant disagreements with the medical droids and doctors than her agreement with Draven.
Her fingers lift to brush across his cheek again. "Hello, handsome."
Relief fills him when she sits beside him again, and the mundane medical ramblings feels so normal that he listens to every word like it's some epic story. "It is technically their business," he says idly, determined to not collapse into her all over again, even though he really wants to. He probably will.
He leans in towards her hand when she touches his face, still starved for any affection. Part of him is still afraid to reach out to her first. "I love you too." It's belated, but it's very important to him to say it back right now.
Jyn ignores his technicality because she knows he and they are right but that doesn't mean she has to ever admit it aloud, even if just to Cassian. Oh no, no. She's not here for that.
She smiles when he leans into her, smiling wider still when he returns her declaration of love. It feels like A Lot now, on top of how she never gets ytired of or less thrilled hearing it. Cassian never needs to stop saying it as far as she is concerned. "Good. I'd hate to be alone in it."
She draws her hand back reluctantly but she reaches out for his injured hand and pulls it into her lap, setting to work applying the gel and wrapping the bandage around it, mostly to keep the gel from getting all over everything else.
Cassian knows she loves him. She's said it enough aloud, and he knows it from her actions just as much. But to hear it now, to know it now, is grounding against every terrible thing he is stuck on tonight. He's not alone in it either.
Or alone at all.
He lets her take his hand and fix it up, which is another strange occurrence, too used to patching up his own more minor injuries. It's oddly comforting, even as he grimaces a little as she applies the bacta. His other hand slowly moves towards her leg, fingers brushing against it just for the extra contact. "We're not alone at all."
It's more of an out loud reminder to himself, but the sentiment is applicable to them both.
The universe has tried so hard to get rid of them, of all of them, from Jedha to Eadu to Scarif to Yavin to Hoth, and all of their lives before all of that, but instead it brought them together, forged a small family made of broken pieces and shattered lives. Chirrut would call them a mosaic, something beautiful built from destruction and chaos, and Jyn is reluctant to disagree.
However impossible and terrible their lives have been or will be, they have each other, all of them, and that makes facing the future so much more bearable.
She finishes wrapping his hand, tying it off in a neat, tiny knot that she tucks under the rest of the wrapping. Though finished, she keeps her hand on his, curling her fingers underneath to hold it properly. "Do you think you can sleep now?"
Half the time Cassian is always expecting an argument from Jyn even when she agrees just because it's so fun to bicker. But she doesn't and she's right and they aren't alone, and it's not even just them. It's everyone else too. Spies don't make good spies when they have families, and Cassian is finding he'd much rather keep the latter. Especially with Jyn here now, caring about him more than he knows what to do with.
Not that the Rebellion hadn't taken him in, hadn't become it's own kind of family, but it's different with Rogue One. They see Cassian, not just a high ranked intelligence officer. It's a very deep and real connection he thought he was incapable of making.
His hand already feels better under the bacta, and he winds his fingers through hers gently. He breathes in deeply, feeling the exhaustion seeping in. "I would like to try."
She leans in and stretches up to kiss his forehead, curling her free hand against the back of his neck as she slides down the tiny bit it takes to rest her forehead against his. "Alright, lemme change."
Except she doesn't pull away or pull her hand from his. She should change and climb into bed and they should both sleep, but she doesn't want to leave him again even for the handful of minutes it would take for her to go to the closet and change into something she can sleep in. That is too much right now so she's going to stay right here for another couple of minutes.
He closes his eyes when she kisses his forehead and lets the affection rush over him, taking a lot from it and from her hand cradling his neck. There is something incredibly grounding about leaning against her forehead with his own, about the quiet intimate space between them.
She doesn't move even after telling him her plan, but he's not about to complain. They're not even doing anything, just sitting close and softly touching, but it feels like the best thing in the entire galaxy right now. "This isn't changing," he says idly some time later. "Do you need help?" It's teasing, which is a good sign even if he doesn't mean anything real by it.
"Yes," she nods against him and even though she knows he is just teasing, she takes it as a go ahead to kiss him for real, soft and gentle and brief, fingers sliding up into his hair. She loves him so much, it breaks her heart to know he is in pain.
She decides that she doesn't really need to change, she can sleep in her underwear so all she has to do is get her boots and pants off but even that seems like too much effort when she could stay right here with Cassian.
Despite everything, it still startles him when she kisses him. He stiffens and shivers and part of him still feels like he doesn't deserve it, but he doesn't push her away. It just takes him a second. She's pulled back by the time he returns the kiss, a feather-light press to her lips that's as nervous as it is real.
Cassian exhales, forehead still to hers. He loves her, he really does, how could he have even thought about trying to shut her out to protect himself? He lifts his free hand up to cradle her face, with that same whisper of a touch, like he's afraid to do much more. "I would start with your boots."
"Good point." Her hand draws back from his hair, but she keeps her hand in his, unwilling to fully break away just yet. She can take her boots off one handed! It's just going... to take a little bit of struggle.
"Tomorrow you're going to have to eat." She would have pushed it tonight, but. Getting him to sleep is going to be enough. Jyn's own nightmares have lessened over time, but she still wakes up screaming and drenched in sweat. It's worse when she's alone in bed and she can only hope she can offer Cassian some of the solace he brings her.
They can take it one thing at a time though. Just like her undressing when one boot finally falls to the floor.
He seems mostly content to just keep hold on her hand for now, as long as the contact isn't broken. Normally he might move to help her slide off her boots, but it feels like a lot of concentrated effort to stay upright right now.
Cassian frowns. "I ate." It's argumentative because he did eat some rations but - she's right. It's been quite a while since he had anything substantial, but it's the sort of thing that usually falls to the wayside on these sort of missions. He tends to only take the sleep and nourishment required to keep alive.
He watches her boot fall and wishes his body would cooperate, but instead his head just drops to her shoulder, which probably isn't going to help her with the other boot, but it feels very nice. "Breakfast?"
Though it might be too late by the time he gets up, if he manages to fall asleep.
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ohnofeelstho2017-03-22 07:37 pm
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The way she talks about the planet, her arrest, it has him moving, lifting his hand up to cradle her cheek, because he can't touch her for himself but Cassian can do it for her. Even while he can barely hold himself upright, he wants to comfort her too.
Jyn's prison sentence was for life, but she served only six months before the Alliance broke her out. Cassian knows what happens in their prisons too. He's been inside them, both with short purposeful prisoner stints and undercover with Imperial identities.
If there is anyone who can understand him right now and this chasm he's standing over, it's Jyn.
"I have told myself again and again these same things. That the Empire will always be worse. And I know it is. That's why I do this. It's why I fight them."
The Empire is always worse. It is and he knows that. It's been drilled into him for years, but hearing it from Jyn is different. She hates what he does. She threw it in his face before. But she's still here, telling him the Empire is worse, and it's a strange comfort to breathe in. For the good of the galaxy is a slippery slope, but maybe he hasn't fallen completely off track. His breathing slows down.
His shoulders sink in, not so much defeat as exhaustion. He finally lets himself lean into her hand on his cheek. His voice is quiet like he's afraid to admit it, and he is, but if he can't be vulnerable with Jyn, that's the scarier part of his life now. Losing her is more terrifying than facing himself. He doesn't want to go back to being lonely, even if it was easier to turn off his emotions that way. "But I'm tired, Jyn. I'm so tired."
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He's finally given into her touch and Jyn immediately takes advantage of it, pulling him forward so she can curl her arms around his shoulders, enveloping him in a hug, mind racing with a silent to do list. Number one on it is telling Draven Cassian needs more than three days leave.
He needs a week, a least. She and K2 can whisk him off base, they can call it a mission, go someplace Cassian can still gather intel for stress relief and so he doesn't feel like he's wasting his time, but where his only obligations are to relax for once and indulge. Han had told her about a forest planet, lush and green with plants she's never even heard of, back when he was trying to flirt with her, a neutral planet outside of reaches of galactic politics. He'd called the castle there a safe haven of sorts if they ever wanted to get away for a while. She'd pulled her blaster and suggested his downtime would be better spent recovering from massive blood loss in the medbay and Han had never brought it up again.
It didn't mean Jyn had forgotten this supposed smuggler's safe harbor, where even Jedi had hidden once upon a time.
Her lips brush his temple softly. "I know."
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He stiffens when she hugs him, those few seconds still feeling unworthy, but she says I know and he finds himself sinking wholly into her arms. Starved.
There are no judgments, there's no rush from her to get back to work. It's pure acceptance and acknowledgement of how he's feeling without trying to change his mind, without trying to put the Rebellion first, and he can't really remember the last time that happened when he was in this state, if it's ever happened at all.
Her kiss is affection he finally doesn't fight, closing his eyes with it. He ducks his head into the crook of her neck and shoulder and slides his arms around her back, more of a cling than a hug but at least he's not pretending he doesn't crave this anymore. Cassian shudders, overwhelmed by the sense of being cared for despite her knowing what he's done. Jyn's embrace is proof that to at least one person he deserves comfort.
I know.
It's validation he never sought and never needed before, but he's going to take it from her now and hold on. She knows and it's okay, it's okay that he's tired. It's two words but it tells him he doesn't have to be anything other than tired right now. He doesn't have to figure out immediately how to get better, how to function, he doesn't have to be a Captain. He can just be Cassian with Jyn, settled in her arms and maybe it's not enough for coping forever, but it helps now. She puts him first and so few people have ever done that.
He loves her. He loves her so much and the feeling helps combat all the worst things he believes about himself, because he has to have a heart to be so in love with Jyn Erso. She doesn't deserve anything less.
His arms tighten around her and he breathes out again, slower, safer, slowly settling.
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She lets the quiet linger a long while more, waiting until his breath matches hers, smoothing her fingers carefully though his hair. Her fingers keep moving when she finally breaks the silence with her quiet voice.
"Cassian, I'm going to leave for ten minutes and while I'm gone I want you to do two things for me. Just two things." Only two things, because she doesn't want to push him too hard, but she is going to make him take care of himself while she is taking care of things he can't take care of. She needs to talk to Draven now before he thinks to put Cassian on some other mission the moment his handful of days leave are over -- she honestly doesn't care if she wakes his damn ass up.
"Is that okay?"
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Cassian hears the words I'm going to leave and finds his grip around her tightening before she even continues. It doesn't slacken, not even when she explains, but his breath keeps steady and slow. He's not sure what he even feels capable of right now except laying here against her. He doesn't want to let her go, but he does trust her, which is probably the only thing that allows him to consider it.
"What things?" He can't say okay, not until he knows what she's asking of him.
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"I need you to bathe and to shave. You'll feel better. When I'm back we can sleep."
She isn't asking a lot because she doesn't think it's fair, now when the Alliance is asking so much of him all the time. But he's proved to her time and time over that being clean helps clear the mind and if it works for her she can't help but think it probably works for him too.
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He's still unresponsive for a few long seconds though, the movement of her fingers steadying, his grip on her still unrelenting.
"Okay," he says finally, if only because she's listened to him before, and he doesn't have it in him to argue. He's washed off most of the blood and grime already, but shaving he can do. He forgot about that.
"Where are you going?" He thinks it might help too, just to know where she is. Even if she doesn't want to tell him her plans, she could tell him virtually anywhere and he'd be at ease.
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She can easily grab that stuff once she's done demanding his time off from Draven.
The steady movement of her fingers continues, she isn't going to move until he does, isn't going to try to pry herself out of his arms when he clearly doesn't even want her to move, much less leave him even if only for ten minutes.
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Even so, he lets her keep running her hand through his hair, taking a few more minutes of comfort from it before he shifts, letting his grip loosen as he pulls back to look at her face.
I love you he thinks again. He disentangles slowly, but lets himself cup her cheek and run his thumb over it. "Okay," he says, the verbal sign that it's okay for her to leave now. He's a little marveled to be cared for like this.
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She lean forward to kiss him, gentle and careful. "Don't shave too much." Let's not get crazy.
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Cassian returns her kiss on instinct, but it's half-hearted. "Don't take too long."
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The first thing she does is find Draven. She doesn't know where his personal rooms are, but she finds one of his Intelligence officers and demands he find the General for her, waiting for him in the war room. Surprisingly, he doesn't make her wait very long before he joins her and Jyn spends a full four minutes yelling at him though he seems to realize that she isn't yelling at him or even the Alliance, she's just yelling because the fact that their lives are so broken is inescapable. He lets her yell. When she is finished and demands Cassian's leave be extended, Draven finally relents when she offers her idea of spending that time at Takodana so they can still relay intel to the Alliance and maybe even stealthily recruit new people even though the planet is neutral. She wants Draven to pose it to Cassian himself, as a mission, with all of Rogue One, so he won't realize he's being put on vacation until they get there.
Somehow they come to an agreement. Maybe Draven is just swayed by the idea that Jyn hunted him down to achieve this objective considering her disdain for him is well known. It's softening somewhat now.
It only gives Jyn a minute or so to sprint to medbay to grab the things for his hand and back to the room. She literally runs down the hall, typing the password into the door in a hurry. She fucks it up and it beeps at her in affront until she puts it in correctly, frowning as the door slides open to let her in.
"The medical droids are so unhelpful." No, they just don't like you because of your excessive violence, Jyn.
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He stares at his face in the mirror, the circles under his eyes and the beard that's longer than he likes to keep it. He shaves, like Jyn told him to, focusing on the monotony of the movements and slowly trimming his beard back to normal.
His eyes are on Jyn instantly when she walks in, and he feels cleaner, even if he still doesn't feel totally human. But he looks at her fondly from where he's back to sitting on the bed, which is better than empty. "Please tell me you did not punch one again," he says, voice still hoarse and tone not as teasing as he'd like, but at least it's not overwhelming existential dread. Just 50%.
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"I did not," is her immediate protest, moving to perch on the bed next to him, settling the gel and bandage next to them. "They just insist on asking me so many questions whenever I'm in there. It's none of their business what I need anything for."
It's exactly their business though. Still, it's better talking about her constant disagreements with the medical droids and doctors than her agreement with Draven.
Her fingers lift to brush across his cheek again. "Hello, handsome."
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He leans in towards her hand when she touches his face, still starved for any affection. Part of him is still afraid to reach out to her first. "I love you too." It's belated, but it's very important to him to say it back right now.
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She smiles when he leans into her, smiling wider still when he returns her declaration of love. It feels like A Lot now, on top of how she never gets ytired of or less thrilled hearing it. Cassian never needs to stop saying it as far as she is concerned. "Good. I'd hate to be alone in it."
She draws her hand back reluctantly but she reaches out for his injured hand and pulls it into her lap, setting to work applying the gel and wrapping the bandage around it, mostly to keep the gel from getting all over everything else.
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Or alone at all.
He lets her take his hand and fix it up, which is another strange occurrence, too used to patching up his own more minor injuries. It's oddly comforting, even as he grimaces a little as she applies the bacta. His other hand slowly moves towards her leg, fingers brushing against it just for the extra contact. "We're not alone at all."
It's more of an out loud reminder to himself, but the sentiment is applicable to them both.
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The universe has tried so hard to get rid of them, of all of them, from Jedha to Eadu to Scarif to Yavin to Hoth, and all of their lives before all of that, but instead it brought them together, forged a small family made of broken pieces and shattered lives. Chirrut would call them a mosaic, something beautiful built from destruction and chaos, and Jyn is reluctant to disagree.
However impossible and terrible their lives have been or will be, they have each other, all of them, and that makes facing the future so much more bearable.
She finishes wrapping his hand, tying it off in a neat, tiny knot that she tucks under the rest of the wrapping. Though finished, she keeps her hand on his, curling her fingers underneath to hold it properly. "Do you think you can sleep now?"
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Not that the Rebellion hadn't taken him in, hadn't become it's own kind of family, but it's different with Rogue One. They see Cassian, not just a high ranked intelligence officer. It's a very deep and real connection he thought he was incapable of making.
His hand already feels better under the bacta, and he winds his fingers through hers gently. He breathes in deeply, feeling the exhaustion seeping in. "I would like to try."
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Except she doesn't pull away or pull her hand from his. She should change and climb into bed and they should both sleep, but she doesn't want to leave him again even for the handful of minutes it would take for her to go to the closet and change into something she can sleep in. That is too much right now so she's going to stay right here for another couple of minutes.
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She doesn't move even after telling him her plan, but he's not about to complain. They're not even doing anything, just sitting close and softly touching, but it feels like the best thing in the entire galaxy right now. "This isn't changing," he says idly some time later. "Do you need help?" It's teasing, which is a good sign even if he doesn't mean anything real by it.
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She decides that she doesn't really need to change, she can sleep in her underwear so all she has to do is get her boots and pants off but even that seems like too much effort when she could stay right here with Cassian.
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Cassian exhales, forehead still to hers. He loves her, he really does, how could he have even thought about trying to shut her out to protect himself? He lifts his free hand up to cradle her face, with that same whisper of a touch, like he's afraid to do much more. "I would start with your boots."
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"Tomorrow you're going to have to eat." She would have pushed it tonight, but. Getting him to sleep is going to be enough. Jyn's own nightmares have lessened over time, but she still wakes up screaming and drenched in sweat. It's worse when she's alone in bed and she can only hope she can offer Cassian some of the solace he brings her.
They can take it one thing at a time though. Just like her undressing when one boot finally falls to the floor.
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Cassian frowns. "I ate." It's argumentative because he did eat some rations but - she's right. It's been quite a while since he had anything substantial, but it's the sort of thing that usually falls to the wayside on these sort of missions. He tends to only take the sleep and nourishment required to keep alive.
He watches her boot fall and wishes his body would cooperate, but instead his head just drops to her shoulder, which probably isn't going to help her with the other boot, but it feels very nice. "Breakfast?"
Though it might be too late by the time he gets up, if he manages to fall asleep.
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