Cassian knows she loves him. She's said it enough aloud, and he knows it from her actions just as much. But to hear it now, to know it now, is grounding against every terrible thing he is stuck on tonight. He's not alone in it either.
Or alone at all.
He lets her take his hand and fix it up, which is another strange occurrence, too used to patching up his own more minor injuries. It's oddly comforting, even as he grimaces a little as she applies the bacta. His other hand slowly moves towards her leg, fingers brushing against it just for the extra contact. "We're not alone at all."
It's more of an out loud reminder to himself, but the sentiment is applicable to them both.
The universe has tried so hard to get rid of them, of all of them, from Jedha to Eadu to Scarif to Yavin to Hoth, and all of their lives before all of that, but instead it brought them together, forged a small family made of broken pieces and shattered lives. Chirrut would call them a mosaic, something beautiful built from destruction and chaos, and Jyn is reluctant to disagree.
However impossible and terrible their lives have been or will be, they have each other, all of them, and that makes facing the future so much more bearable.
She finishes wrapping his hand, tying it off in a neat, tiny knot that she tucks under the rest of the wrapping. Though finished, she keeps her hand on his, curling her fingers underneath to hold it properly. "Do you think you can sleep now?"
Half the time Cassian is always expecting an argument from Jyn even when she agrees just because it's so fun to bicker. But she doesn't and she's right and they aren't alone, and it's not even just them. It's everyone else too. Spies don't make good spies when they have families, and Cassian is finding he'd much rather keep the latter. Especially with Jyn here now, caring about him more than he knows what to do with.
Not that the Rebellion hadn't taken him in, hadn't become it's own kind of family, but it's different with Rogue One. They see Cassian, not just a high ranked intelligence officer. It's a very deep and real connection he thought he was incapable of making.
His hand already feels better under the bacta, and he winds his fingers through hers gently. He breathes in deeply, feeling the exhaustion seeping in. "I would like to try."
She leans in and stretches up to kiss his forehead, curling her free hand against the back of his neck as she slides down the tiny bit it takes to rest her forehead against his. "Alright, lemme change."
Except she doesn't pull away or pull her hand from his. She should change and climb into bed and they should both sleep, but she doesn't want to leave him again even for the handful of minutes it would take for her to go to the closet and change into something she can sleep in. That is too much right now so she's going to stay right here for another couple of minutes.
He closes his eyes when she kisses his forehead and lets the affection rush over him, taking a lot from it and from her hand cradling his neck. There is something incredibly grounding about leaning against her forehead with his own, about the quiet intimate space between them.
She doesn't move even after telling him her plan, but he's not about to complain. They're not even doing anything, just sitting close and softly touching, but it feels like the best thing in the entire galaxy right now. "This isn't changing," he says idly some time later. "Do you need help?" It's teasing, which is a good sign even if he doesn't mean anything real by it.
"Yes," she nods against him and even though she knows he is just teasing, she takes it as a go ahead to kiss him for real, soft and gentle and brief, fingers sliding up into his hair. She loves him so much, it breaks her heart to know he is in pain.
She decides that she doesn't really need to change, she can sleep in her underwear so all she has to do is get her boots and pants off but even that seems like too much effort when she could stay right here with Cassian.
Despite everything, it still startles him when she kisses him. He stiffens and shivers and part of him still feels like he doesn't deserve it, but he doesn't push her away. It just takes him a second. She's pulled back by the time he returns the kiss, a feather-light press to her lips that's as nervous as it is real.
Cassian exhales, forehead still to hers. He loves her, he really does, how could he have even thought about trying to shut her out to protect himself? He lifts his free hand up to cradle her face, with that same whisper of a touch, like he's afraid to do much more. "I would start with your boots."
"Good point." Her hand draws back from his hair, but she keeps her hand in his, unwilling to fully break away just yet. She can take her boots off one handed! It's just going... to take a little bit of struggle.
"Tomorrow you're going to have to eat." She would have pushed it tonight, but. Getting him to sleep is going to be enough. Jyn's own nightmares have lessened over time, but she still wakes up screaming and drenched in sweat. It's worse when she's alone in bed and she can only hope she can offer Cassian some of the solace he brings her.
They can take it one thing at a time though. Just like her undressing when one boot finally falls to the floor.
He seems mostly content to just keep hold on her hand for now, as long as the contact isn't broken. Normally he might move to help her slide off her boots, but it feels like a lot of concentrated effort to stay upright right now.
Cassian frowns. "I ate." It's argumentative because he did eat some rations but - she's right. It's been quite a while since he had anything substantial, but it's the sort of thing that usually falls to the wayside on these sort of missions. He tends to only take the sleep and nourishment required to keep alive.
He watches her boot fall and wishes his body would cooperate, but instead his head just drops to her shoulder, which probably isn't going to help her with the other boot, but it feels very nice. "Breakfast?"
Though it might be too late by the time he gets up, if he manages to fall asleep.
If Jyn minds, she doesn't let on. But she doesn't really mind, turning her head the slightest bit to kiss his cheek. While she is always touchy, constantly invading his space to touch him even if it's just her toes pressed against his thigh while they look at their datapads, Jyn isn't always this purposefully affectionate. She loves kissing him and playing with his hair and holding his hand, but it's almost always some absent-minded thing for her. Now it feels necessary.
Still, not a terrible necessity. Definitely not a hardship, loving Cassian.
"Bodhi will save something for us." She knows she doesn't even need to tell him. If they're not down to breakfast by the time it ends he will just make a new tray and bring it to them, he's done it enough times for Jyn when she's moping during Cassian's absences.
The second boot comes off with a bit of struggling, taking her sock with it, and so she toes off the first sock before just starting on her pants while she's still sitting.
"He loves you too, you know, Bodhi. And Baze and Chirrut. And K2 loves you more than anything in the entire galaxy. We've all got your back now."
Jyn is more casually than purposefully tactile - not that he minds how she's touching him, because he always appreciates it. But right now it feels entirely mindful of him, like she's trying to keep contact and keep giving him any and all affection and he savors it. It might have made him feel weak a year ago, but he doesn't care anymore. He just loves her.
He moves around with her while she tugs off her shoes and starts to shimmy with her pants, the shifts natural and without thought even as he keeps his head on her shoulder.
But he stills when she talks about how much everyone else loves him too. It's not like he didn't already know on some level, not with how they have come to exist as a team and a family, and Cassian knows he would kill for every single one of them, which is a terrible and terribly sad bar for love, but it's what got him here in the first place. He's just not used to it. None of them were, really, which probably makes their connection all the more meaningful.
He wraps his arms around her waist, which is probably counterproductive to her getting her pants off and is also vaguely uncomfortable because his face is still buried against her. But he needs it for a moment, to let the complete realization of how much he's cared for take hold.
It's a strange and wonderful feeling to be loved, one he doesn't want to escape, but one that makes his job much more difficult than it's ever been before.
"I programmed him that way," he says half in jest, because it's overwhelming to address the rest yet, but it's also a good sign that he can make a stupid joke. Softer, because he loves them all very much too: "I know. I do know. I think - I think that is what makes it all so hard. You are all my family. I have never had that before."
There's a long, slow sigh almost like an unspoken "oh sweetie" when his arms curl around her waist, finding herself wrapped up in his arms. It's definitely making getting undressed harder but she doesn't fight it, one hand lifting to rub his back while the other smooths through his hair. She can get her pants off later, it's not a big deal.
Instead she shifts only enough to lay back on their bed, taking Cassian with her since he is so attached and she'd be lying if she said she didn't want him this way.
"We're in this all the way, Cassian. All of us." The muffled laughter of people in the hall drifts through the closed door, sounding a lot like drunken roughhousing but Jyn can't help but wonder if it's drunken mourning. Her arms tighten around him, shimmying her hips to swing her legs up onto the bed. "Admittedly, K2 is only in it because you said he had to, but that mostly just for the rest of us and it still counts."
Her fingers play through his hair idly. "I love you. You big dumbo."
He exhales from all the physical comforts, unused to them in the face of his intelligence work but more grateful than he can even begin to say. When Jyn tilts them down on the bed, he doesn't fight it, like a much more cushioned trust fall.
Cassian curls around her more once she's fully settled. He's usually the pillow and loves being so, but his arms secure around her and his head stays nestled on her chest, tucked in her shoulder.
"I am in this for all of you just the same." It should be a weakness to say aloud. He refuses to let it be, and it drives the wedge in more against the crimes on his conscience.
His eyes close while she plays with his hair, and he can feel himself relaxing in stages, piece by piece. It's a peace he's still afraid he doesn't deserve, but he can't deny it when it warms him from the inside out. "I love you too, Jyn."
And right now he feels tethered to it like a lifeline. To being loved, despite everything.
Jyn isn't going to stop this comfort until he is asleep, and even then she will probably keep going. She does take one arm away from him to actually drag her pants off and cover them both with the blanket at the foot of the bed, but once that is sorted, she curls her arm back around him, fingers still playing through his hair.
It comforting, that no matter how broken he may be feeling, he still loves her.
"Sleep now, I'll be here when you wake up." Even if he wakes up in the middle of the night or sleeps through to the morning, either way, Jyn will be there. She isn't going to move at all.
The steady, constant movement of her fingers in his hair gives him something to focus on. He loves when does it in any situation, but it's especially comforting now. Cassian is so very starved for affection.
He lets the silence slide over him, save for the quiet sound of her breathing. He's so close, he can feel every movement of her chest up and down and he basks in being alive with her. He trusts her to stay, and knowing that makes him feel like he'll be able to sleep - eventually at any rate. It helps center himself.
He always wants her to be there when he wakes up. "Jyn," he says, because he wants to hear her name again aloud like more proof she exists. But then it turns into a segue of telling her what keeps swirling in his head, because there is no one else he would dare say it aloud to, and he's not sure he'll be able to sleep until he admits it. "What if I can't do this anymore?"
"Then you don't do it anymore." It's that easy to Jyn. She kisses his head, murmuring against hair.
"Spies... you don't last very long and you've been doing this longer than anyone. You can do something else and still help and support the rebellion. You don't have to kill yourself for this fight." The hand not smoothing through his hair, rubs circles against his back, fingers drawing absent designs as she goes.
"You have so much to offer, you can do a different job and anyone would be so grateful to have you working with them."
Her response comes so quick and easy and he wonders if he misheard, because it can't be so simple. It's never occurred to him to give up the more terrible things. It's what he's good at. He's done less of it since Scarif all things considered, and he's worked with Rogue One more and more -
But he doesn't want to just be good at killing people. He doesn't want to feel guilty about feeling guilty.
Cassian closes his eyes, breathing out while she draws over his back, her touch proof he's not dreaming. "I've been doing this for so long, it never occurred to me to just... stop."
His voice lowers. "I'm afraid I don't know who I am if I stop." He pauses, but not long enough to give her time to reply. "I want to be someone who did all they could. I want to stay with you."
He wants to feel like he deserves the comfort that comes with being wrapped up in Jyn's arms just as much as he wants to free the galaxy. The former is a new want. "You make it sound so easy."
"It's simple, not easy." There is a small distinction. "And you're not going anywhere, you're always going to stay with me, I don't care what our jobs are."
There's a lot, honestly, that Cassian is dealing with that Jyn doesn't really understand and can't really understand, but she knows not being able to keep going at the grueling pace they were raised with and she knows wanting to stop being a weapon.
"You're a soldier even if you retire from being a spy. You're a friend and a love and a brother and a hero." Her tone turns a little wry at the end before she continues. "You have given so much for this fight, you have done more than anyone could ever ask of you. You're allowed to step back, you should."
It all feels too much like praise he doesn't think he deserves, but there's a comfort to it anyway in knowing that Jyn will be there with him no matter what he does. He has never allowed himself many wants before, and he meant it wholeheartedly that he wants to stay with her. He wants to feel like someone worthy of her love.
But he's not sure he wants to be a spy anymore either.
"I'm not sure I can call it simple either," he says, but it's not argumentative. He just can't picture it being simple, even if he wants to believe her. "I can't leave everything. But I can't...decide right now anyway." His brain is too fried, too exhausted, too haunted. He just wants and needs to focus on falling asleep in her arms. Step one.
He tightens his grip again, thankful she came. She thinks he should step back, and he trusts her more than anyone. He won't forget that. "I needed someone to know. I needed you to know."
"You can always tell me." Anything. Except that he doesn't love her, she draws the line a break ups, he can never tell her that, she just won't accept it. Shutting her out is the worst thing she can think of.
She breathes out a slow sigh as he holds her tighter. Her heart is breaking for him, but she can't help feeling grateful and happy that he needed her. It's selfish and she's half disgusted with herself because Cassian had clearly gone through hell, but it still makes her feel good that after all that, the person he opened up to was her.
"We'll figure it out together," she offers, dipping her head to kiss his hair again. "But later. Try to sleep now."
"I know I can." He doesn't smile. He wants to, it's there in his tone, but his face won't cooperate. "I needed to remind myself. I am sorry I shut you out before."
It's an old defense mechanism he wants to throw in the trash now, especially up against being held in Jyn's arms. When he wakes up, she's still going to be there, and it sounds almost too good to be true. No matter what he does, she's with him, and it means more to him than most of anything lately.
He closes his eyes when she kisses him and thinks maybe they'll stay closed this time. "I love you." It bears repeating, okok. He feels so incredibly lucky to have her. "Thank you, Jyn."
"I love you too." Her hand smooths across his back as her eyes close, listening for his breath to slow as he falls asleep, hoping his breath will slow as he falls asleep.
Either way she is here for the long haul, rubbing his back, combing her fingers through his hair, willing him some peace. Whatever mysterious ways the Force is working in right now, she doesn't appreciate it. Cassian deserves peace and he deserves to not kill himself for it.
Maybe, softly, she hums one of the songs her mother used to sing her to sleep with.
The steady movement of her hand lulls him further into security, and the quiet that envelopes the room is welcome this time.
She starts to hum, so soft he wonders for a second if he's imagining it, but he isn't. Slowly, finally, Cassian can feel himself drifting towards real sleep. It takes a while, but the tension slips out of his body and terrible thoughts get pushed out of his mind as the minutes tick by. He finds an actual level of peace and falls asleep in Jyn's arms, curled up against her.
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ohnofeelstho2017-03-22 07:37 pm
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Or alone at all.
He lets her take his hand and fix it up, which is another strange occurrence, too used to patching up his own more minor injuries. It's oddly comforting, even as he grimaces a little as she applies the bacta. His other hand slowly moves towards her leg, fingers brushing against it just for the extra contact. "We're not alone at all."
It's more of an out loud reminder to himself, but the sentiment is applicable to them both.
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The universe has tried so hard to get rid of them, of all of them, from Jedha to Eadu to Scarif to Yavin to Hoth, and all of their lives before all of that, but instead it brought them together, forged a small family made of broken pieces and shattered lives. Chirrut would call them a mosaic, something beautiful built from destruction and chaos, and Jyn is reluctant to disagree.
However impossible and terrible their lives have been or will be, they have each other, all of them, and that makes facing the future so much more bearable.
She finishes wrapping his hand, tying it off in a neat, tiny knot that she tucks under the rest of the wrapping. Though finished, she keeps her hand on his, curling her fingers underneath to hold it properly. "Do you think you can sleep now?"
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Not that the Rebellion hadn't taken him in, hadn't become it's own kind of family, but it's different with Rogue One. They see Cassian, not just a high ranked intelligence officer. It's a very deep and real connection he thought he was incapable of making.
His hand already feels better under the bacta, and he winds his fingers through hers gently. He breathes in deeply, feeling the exhaustion seeping in. "I would like to try."
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Except she doesn't pull away or pull her hand from his. She should change and climb into bed and they should both sleep, but she doesn't want to leave him again even for the handful of minutes it would take for her to go to the closet and change into something she can sleep in. That is too much right now so she's going to stay right here for another couple of minutes.
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She doesn't move even after telling him her plan, but he's not about to complain. They're not even doing anything, just sitting close and softly touching, but it feels like the best thing in the entire galaxy right now. "This isn't changing," he says idly some time later. "Do you need help?" It's teasing, which is a good sign even if he doesn't mean anything real by it.
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She decides that she doesn't really need to change, she can sleep in her underwear so all she has to do is get her boots and pants off but even that seems like too much effort when she could stay right here with Cassian.
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Cassian exhales, forehead still to hers. He loves her, he really does, how could he have even thought about trying to shut her out to protect himself? He lifts his free hand up to cradle her face, with that same whisper of a touch, like he's afraid to do much more. "I would start with your boots."
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"Tomorrow you're going to have to eat." She would have pushed it tonight, but. Getting him to sleep is going to be enough. Jyn's own nightmares have lessened over time, but she still wakes up screaming and drenched in sweat. It's worse when she's alone in bed and she can only hope she can offer Cassian some of the solace he brings her.
They can take it one thing at a time though. Just like her undressing when one boot finally falls to the floor.
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Cassian frowns. "I ate." It's argumentative because he did eat some rations but - she's right. It's been quite a while since he had anything substantial, but it's the sort of thing that usually falls to the wayside on these sort of missions. He tends to only take the sleep and nourishment required to keep alive.
He watches her boot fall and wishes his body would cooperate, but instead his head just drops to her shoulder, which probably isn't going to help her with the other boot, but it feels very nice. "Breakfast?"
Though it might be too late by the time he gets up, if he manages to fall asleep.
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Still, not a terrible necessity. Definitely not a hardship, loving Cassian.
"Bodhi will save something for us." She knows she doesn't even need to tell him. If they're not down to breakfast by the time it ends he will just make a new tray and bring it to them, he's done it enough times for Jyn when she's moping during Cassian's absences.
The second boot comes off with a bit of struggling, taking her sock with it, and so she toes off the first sock before just starting on her pants while she's still sitting.
"He loves you too, you know, Bodhi. And Baze and Chirrut. And K2 loves you more than anything in the entire galaxy. We've all got your back now."
no subject
He moves around with her while she tugs off her shoes and starts to shimmy with her pants, the shifts natural and without thought even as he keeps his head on her shoulder.
But he stills when she talks about how much everyone else loves him too. It's not like he didn't already know on some level, not with how they have come to exist as a team and a family, and Cassian knows he would kill for every single one of them, which is a terrible and terribly sad bar for love, but it's what got him here in the first place. He's just not used to it. None of them were, really, which probably makes their connection all the more meaningful.
He wraps his arms around her waist, which is probably counterproductive to her getting her pants off and is also vaguely uncomfortable because his face is still buried against her. But he needs it for a moment, to let the complete realization of how much he's cared for take hold.
It's a strange and wonderful feeling to be loved, one he doesn't want to escape, but one that makes his job much more difficult than it's ever been before.
"I programmed him that way," he says half in jest, because it's overwhelming to address the rest yet, but it's also a good sign that he can make a stupid joke. Softer, because he loves them all very much too: "I know. I do know. I think - I think that is what makes it all so hard. You are all my family. I have never had that before."
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Instead she shifts only enough to lay back on their bed, taking Cassian with her since he is so attached and she'd be lying if she said she didn't want him this way.
"We're in this all the way, Cassian. All of us." The muffled laughter of people in the hall drifts through the closed door, sounding a lot like drunken roughhousing but Jyn can't help but wonder if it's drunken mourning. Her arms tighten around him, shimmying her hips to swing her legs up onto the bed. "Admittedly, K2 is only in it because you said he had to, but that mostly just for the rest of us and it still counts."
Her fingers play through his hair idly. "I love you. You big dumbo."
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Cassian curls around her more once she's fully settled. He's usually the pillow and loves being so, but his arms secure around her and his head stays nestled on her chest, tucked in her shoulder.
"I am in this for all of you just the same." It should be a weakness to say aloud. He refuses to let it be, and it drives the wedge in more against the crimes on his conscience.
His eyes close while she plays with his hair, and he can feel himself relaxing in stages, piece by piece. It's a peace he's still afraid he doesn't deserve, but he can't deny it when it warms him from the inside out. "I love you too, Jyn."
And right now he feels tethered to it like a lifeline. To being loved, despite everything.
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It comforting, that no matter how broken he may be feeling, he still loves her.
"Sleep now, I'll be here when you wake up." Even if he wakes up in the middle of the night or sleeps through to the morning, either way, Jyn will be there. She isn't going to move at all.
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He lets the silence slide over him, save for the quiet sound of her breathing. He's so close, he can feel every movement of her chest up and down and he basks in being alive with her. He trusts her to stay, and knowing that makes him feel like he'll be able to sleep - eventually at any rate. It helps center himself.
He always wants her to be there when he wakes up. "Jyn," he says, because he wants to hear her name again aloud like more proof she exists. But then it turns into a segue of telling her what keeps swirling in his head, because there is no one else he would dare say it aloud to, and he's not sure he'll be able to sleep until he admits it. "What if I can't do this anymore?"
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"Spies... you don't last very long and you've been doing this longer than anyone. You can do something else and still help and support the rebellion. You don't have to kill yourself for this fight." The hand not smoothing through his hair, rubs circles against his back, fingers drawing absent designs as she goes.
"You have so much to offer, you can do a different job and anyone would be so grateful to have you working with them."
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But he doesn't want to just be good at killing people. He doesn't want to feel guilty about feeling guilty.
Cassian closes his eyes, breathing out while she draws over his back, her touch proof he's not dreaming. "I've been doing this for so long, it never occurred to me to just... stop."
His voice lowers. "I'm afraid I don't know who I am if I stop." He pauses, but not long enough to give her time to reply. "I want to be someone who did all they could. I want to stay with you."
He wants to feel like he deserves the comfort that comes with being wrapped up in Jyn's arms just as much as he wants to free the galaxy. The former is a new want. "You make it sound so easy."
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There's a lot, honestly, that Cassian is dealing with that Jyn doesn't really understand and can't really understand, but she knows not being able to keep going at the grueling pace they were raised with and she knows wanting to stop being a weapon.
"You're a soldier even if you retire from being a spy. You're a friend and a love and a brother and a hero." Her tone turns a little wry at the end before she continues. "You have given so much for this fight, you have done more than anyone could ever ask of you. You're allowed to step back, you should."
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But he's not sure he wants to be a spy anymore either.
"I'm not sure I can call it simple either," he says, but it's not argumentative. He just can't picture it being simple, even if he wants to believe her. "I can't leave everything. But I can't...decide right now anyway." His brain is too fried, too exhausted, too haunted. He just wants and needs to focus on falling asleep in her arms. Step one.
He tightens his grip again, thankful she came. She thinks he should step back, and he trusts her more than anyone. He won't forget that. "I needed someone to know. I needed you to know."
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She breathes out a slow sigh as he holds her tighter. Her heart is breaking for him, but she can't help feeling grateful and happy that he needed her. It's selfish and she's half disgusted with herself because Cassian had clearly gone through hell, but it still makes her feel good that after all that, the person he opened up to was her.
"We'll figure it out together," she offers, dipping her head to kiss his hair again. "But later. Try to sleep now."
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It's an old defense mechanism he wants to throw in the trash now, especially up against being held in Jyn's arms. When he wakes up, she's still going to be there, and it sounds almost too good to be true. No matter what he does, she's with him, and it means more to him than most of anything lately.
He closes his eyes when she kisses him and thinks maybe they'll stay closed this time. "I love you." It bears repeating, okok. He feels so incredibly lucky to have her. "Thank you, Jyn."
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Either way she is here for the long haul, rubbing his back, combing her fingers through his hair, willing him some peace. Whatever mysterious ways the Force is working in right now, she doesn't appreciate it. Cassian deserves peace and he deserves to not kill himself for it.
Maybe, softly, she hums one of the songs her mother used to sing her to sleep with.
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She starts to hum, so soft he wonders for a second if he's imagining it, but he isn't. Slowly, finally, Cassian can feel himself drifting towards real sleep. It takes a while, but the tension slips out of his body and terrible thoughts get pushed out of his mind as the minutes tick by. He finds an actual level of peace and falls asleep in Jyn's arms, curled up against her.
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