evasives: (75)

this side of mortality is scaring me to death

[personal profile] evasives 2017-04-20 01:42 am (UTC)(link)
soldier on - the temper trap

Cassian is good at compartmentalizing. Over the years, he's become an expert at turning off parts of himself to keep going. As he came to know Jyn, and the rest of Rogue One, he remembered what it was like to feel things again. The connections he creates reminded him of why he fights and why he does terrible things in the first place.

Mostly he's glad and grateful for them. Sometimes it's too much. His captaincy and rank have allowed him a far less constant hands on life in the Rebellion compared to the early days. It's a different kind of weight helping someone else plan a murder rather than doing it himself. He leads instead of follows, which comes with it's own set of issues. He delegates and acts and he's good at what he does, which is why he keeps doing it. The Rebellion cannot lose.

Returning to base is usually welcome, and the sight of Jyn's face always grounds him, assuming she hadn't been on mission with him and that she's currently off duty herself. Before he and K2 land, he checks on her planetary status and finds she is currently on base, but it doesn't settle him like it's supposed to, even though he's been away for two weeks and hasn't seen her in 16 days.

As he climbs off the ship, Cassian can feel something familiar closing around him and closing him off. He doesn't fight it. He reports in. Draven frowns at him, like he knows and understands but he offers no comfort, except an extra three days of leave. The meeting adjourns and he knows both old and new routine dictates he goes to his room, but it makes him anxious for reasons he cannot explain, or maybe just reasons he doesn't want to think about.

It's been over a year, but you're no better than a stormtrooper whispers in his ear along with explosions and blasterfire and screams, and Cassian has been responsible for civilian casualties before, but he's never felt it while looking at Jyn and it scares him.

He goes to the mess hall first and picks up a tray of bland potatoes, but he can only bring himself to nibble, before passing on the leftover rations to some bright-eyed new rebel whose jacket still looks pristine. The tension lines his shoulders and his glower keeps everyone from approaching him. He wants to curl up in his bed, but it's not just his bed anymore. He finds K2 instead at the ship and lets the droid tell him what to do to check on the diagnostics, ignoring the complete lack of tact while K2 reminds him Jyn is on the planet, and that it's most unusual for Cassian to still be here, not that he's complaining.

"Shut up, K2." He's not sure he even wants robotic concern.

At least the planet he spent two weeks organizing and coordinating resistance on is now seething with Anti-Empire solidarity.
evasives: (82)

[personal profile] evasives 2017-04-20 04:15 am (UTC)(link)
He hears her before he sees her, and her voice is like a waterfall of both comfort and concern. Then he hears K2 huff mechanically. "At least someone is behaving normally."

Cassian doesn't want K2 to call him out like this out of some misguided attempt at showing he cares, and it's probably better to face Jyn. If he keeps avoiding her, it will definitely be a sign something is up, and he doesn't want anything to be up.

"Cassian is on the ship. I told him I didn't need help, but he insisted."

He scrubs a hand over his face and pinches the bridge of his nose, like he needs to prepare himself before he finally slinks his way down off the ship. His limbs feel stiff when he sees her, and they don't greet each other enthusiastically in public anyway, but there's still something off in his body language. She's a sight for sore eyes, but he - can't. Can't what feels like too many things he's not allowed right now.

"Hello, Jyn."

To the usual set of prying eyes and ears, it's normal and easy, a simple greeting between friends on the hangar. But the light in his eyes when he usually sees her after coming home is dim, replaced by something far more distant and shut off.
evasives: (63)

[personal profile] evasives 2017-04-20 04:46 am (UTC)(link)
Oh. She's hurt, and of course she would be, it really doesn't surprise him, but he probably deserves that accusation. He ducks his gaze to the side for a second, like a pseudo-acknowledgment he was in the wrong. "I'm sorry," he starts, but he doesn't know where to go with it, the explanation hanging expectantly. "I had to meet with Draven. And I needed to eat."

All truths, but still lacking. The air is starting to feel too heavy for him here.

K2 spares him a moment. "We have not been back long," it's almost defensive, like he's protecting Cassian's honor.

"Thank you. It's good to finally be back." Mostly. Partially. Maybe? He doesn't know right now. His fingers twitch, fidgeting with his vest like he needs to be doing something with his hands. Jyn can usually see right through him and he doesn't want to be seen through right now.
Edited 2017-04-20 04:53 (UTC)
evasives: (73)

[personal profile] evasives 2017-04-20 05:30 am (UTC)(link)
His shoulders sag even more, even though it's another thing he probably shouldn't be surprised about. He avoided going back to their room and kept away from her first. If she doesn't want to be around him, he doesn't have anyone to blame but himself. He doesn't even want to be around him right now.

Cassian opens his mouth to tell her to wait, even lifts his hand up to stop her. Instead he brings it up and pinches his nose again, closing his eyes tightly.

"Jyn -" Don't go, go. It used to be so much easier to shut himself off, but now it hurts other people to do so, and he's so tired of doing that. The overnights sound like a lie, because it's not like she's been back very long either, he checked the files -

Her smile is so weak and he imagines her real one, the kind he gets to pull out of her, and he doesn't feel capable of doing it again in this moment. "You don't have to -"

What? Leave? Stay away from their room? She always chips away at his walls even when she's not even trying.

K2 chimes in, because even if his deepest core is full of side-eye towards Jyn, he apparently recognizes they sleep better with each other than alone. He even sounds worried. "That's irresponsible. You both need a solid night's rest at this point."
evasives: (74)

[personal profile] evasives 2017-04-20 11:15 pm (UTC)(link)
She is pulling herself away and he feels like he deserves it, that maybe it was going to happen because he can't possibly be allowed Jyn in this moment, much less the comfort she offers him. He blinks a few times, like he's still processing what she's saying and what she's doing, but he just doesn't have it in him to reach out to her right now. He wants to, but he can't.

Cassian stands there dumbly. Hollow. Bodhi missed him. So did Jyn, and he missed them both terribly but he doesn't deserve the camaraderie Rogue One brings him. He aches for their affection but he thinks it might burn him if he let himself accept it. Jyn clearly does not want to give it anyway.

He looks down at his hands and twists his fingers into the fabric of his pants to stop them from shaking. He turns sideways, like he's going to get back on the ship, but looks back at her again, drinking in her image like it can erase everything else in his head from being planetside even as she walks away from him. It might have helped, if she wasn't leaving. Instead he finds himself shutting down more pieces of himself, the years old mechanism too easy to fall back on when what he's done is too much to deal with.

"Don't overwork yourself." A beat. "Please."
evasives: (76)

[personal profile] evasives 2017-04-21 01:57 am (UTC)(link)
He sees the way her face crumbles and thinks maybe her hesitation will keep her there, but it was a stupid hope, once her expression shifts into more of a shield. Like his. She's protecting herself from him and he should apologize again, but his throat closes up like the rest of him.

Cassian watches her leave in a rush, each step feeling like it's right on his chest, but he just keeps telling himself he has no right to feel hurt, not when he created this distance. He tries to shut that part off too, with only marginal success.

Two seconds later he punches the hull of the ship, flinching with the pain of it.

K2 clangs over in a hurry and fusses. "You are both being irrational. You will need to get that looked at, Cassian!"

He can't even tell his droid to shut up again, he just dives back into fixing up the ship until he exhausts every possible delay and unnecessary repair. The walk back to his room is long, and he feels like every single person is looking at him like they know what he did, even when in reality only a handful of rebels even give him a passing glance.

Their room is empty and dark, and after he shuts the door behind him, Cassian stands there staring at the bed for some indiscriminate amount of time. He makes his way to the sink and scrubs his hands raw, ignoring the way his knuckles are purpling. He showers, washing away the rest of the physical reminders of a successful mission with a high body count, and by the time he's back out and ready to collapse into bed, he very seriously considers sleeping on the floor.

Or laying, at least. He's not going to be able to sleep any time soon.

He sits at the edge of the bed, unable to bring himself to push further in when it's so empty. It's bad enough trying to sleep alone when they're not on the same planet. Elbows on his knees, he leans his head into his hands and tries not to think about how he wishes Jyn were here, but the other option is thinking about the Rebellion so really it's a no-win situation. Eventually he slides to the floor and tilts his head back against the mattress, arms over his knees and eyes closed like maybe if he does that much he can at least get something that sort of qualifies as rest, as long as he can keep everything inside him trapped on mute.
evasives: (70)

[personal profile] evasives 2017-04-21 03:51 am (UTC)(link)
Cassian has lost complete track of time when the door opens, and it registers that Jyn is the only one who could enter two seconds before he reaches for his blaster. He opens his eyes and catches sight of her frame halo'd in the doorway before she closes it behind her, and he still wonders if maybe he fell asleep, because there's no reason for her to be here.

But then he feels her settle beside him and feels her arms drop around him. He stiffens, like maybe it's still fake or maybe he still doesn't deserve it. Against his will, he finds himself leaning into her and how warm and alive she is.

He can count on one hand the number of times she's apologized, and normally he might tease her about it. He still doesn't really know what to do with his hands, because as much as he wants to touch her, he can't bring himself to do it.

He sinks against her more, even if his hands ball into fists and come to rest on his legs. He doesn't think he has any right to ask, but he can't bear the thought of her running away again even more, and maybe that's a sign he hasn't totally cut off all his emotions, or maybe she just cracked open the cage by touching him. It's not like anyone's ever done that in these moments before. "Please stay."
Edited 2017-04-21 03:52 (UTC)
evasives: (53)

[personal profile] evasives 2017-04-21 04:57 am (UTC)(link)
He shudders under the kiss, like the affection stings, but he closes his eyes and lets it wash over him anyway. He lets her promise wash over him too, even if he wouldn't blame her for breaking it should she find out about the mission.

The pit at his stomach grabs hold again, and he turns his head, burying his face against her as her grip tightens around him. It would be nice to disappear into her arms. There is a part of him yelling that he's being too weak, but Jyn is already familiar with all the worst parts of him, vulnerability and all.

"I have three more days leave." It feels like too much and not enough. His voice feels scratchy. "I earned it," he adds, and he could not sound more bitter if he tried.
evasives: (40)

[personal profile] evasives 2017-04-22 01:51 am (UTC)(link)
He is hyperaware of the way she stiffens and automatically assumes it's his fault, even if there's no visible sign. But he's also hyperaware of how she relaxes soon after. Cassian is always vigilant, but it always feels extra when he comes back from missions like these.

He misses her arms as soon as she starts to let him go and vaguely registers her plea to get in bed. "I don't want to talk," is the automatic and monotonous reply, because classified, because he's never needed to, because he doesn't want to make Jyn leave or disgust her like he disgusts himself.

But he gets to his feet unsteadily, refusing to use her for support to stand, which is at the very least a sign he's going to get in bed. Maybe. He stares at it again instead of crawling in, frowning deeply.
evasives: (77)

[personal profile] evasives 2017-04-22 02:35 am (UTC)(link)
Cassian doesn't know what he wants, because he isn't used to having someone here with him. Usually he just stares into space until passing out from complete inability to keep awake any longer.

A few more seconds of silence go by, before he turns his head and looks at her, the slow tilt like he's afraid she won't like what she sees. His eyes are a little unfocused, his mind trying to draw him back planetside.

His gaze moves over her face, her pale cheeks in the dim light, the unkempt hair hanging over her forehead, her chapped lips, the scratches on her chin, the circles under her eyes undoubtedly matching his, and his chest aches. He closes his eyes tightly, trying to push out dead agents and replace them with Jyn's face, but it seems cruel somehow, like he's abandoning them twice.

They snap open and land back on her, making sure she hasn't suddenly left. He sits soon after, because he doesn't like the sensation of looking downward at her.
evasives: (59)

[personal profile] evasives 2017-04-22 04:22 am (UTC)(link)
His hands stay uselessly in his lap, still afraid to touch her. She tilts his chin and he allows it with no fight, even if his jaw clenches.

Cassian is fine with hurting himself, but he doesn't want to hurt Jyn. He looks a little ashamed, and the temptation is there to look away, but he doesn't, even if his shoulders curl inward.

"I don't know how to do this with another person," he quietly admits. He doesn't know how to cope successfully in general, but especially in a way that allows him to keep hold on the family he has come to love with a fierceness he was never supposed to have to be a good spy.

The only option has always been shut down when it got too bad. Jyn makes that impossible, but he doesn't know how to pull himself back out of this without locking away his feelings. He's been on terrible missions since Scarif, but none of them have been this bad.

He wonders, briefly, if he's becoming incapable.
evasives: (86)

[personal profile] evasives 2017-04-22 06:09 pm (UTC)(link)
He closes his eyes when she runs her fingers through his hair, both taking comfort in the gesture and feeling bad that he is. They stay closed for a few long seconds, while he struggles with basking in how close she is to him.

No one's ever really asked him that before, especially post-mission, because what Cassian Andor needs doesn't usually matter in the face of what the Rebellion needs.

He probably needs a break. Not just a few days before another mission comes his way. "I don't know." That's probably part of why he avoided Jyn too, the uncertainty of getting her help. He's grown more comfortable with trusting her with himself, but if he can't be in control after a mission like this he doesn't know who he is. He doesn't want to fall apart completely.

He wants to hold her, but he's afraid to. "I need it to go away."
evasives: (53)

[personal profile] evasives 2017-04-23 04:54 am (UTC)(link)
It can't ever really go away is the thing, and he knows that, just like he knows come the morning it'll be tucked away in a box with all the other deaths on his conscience.

Cassian tilts his body towards hers when she sits, pulled in like an orbit. He closes his eyes again and frowns. "I'm afraid if I do, you will leave."

She hates what he does and that's another thing he knows. He always worries that one day a choice he makes will be too much for her, that she'll look at him and realize he isn't as good as she insists. That his hands are too bloody for her to keep holding. He believes in the Rebellion wholeheartedly, but it doesn't mean Cassian isn't aware it's probably ruining him from the inside out to carve out that hope for the universe.

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