He shakes his head immediately. "You do deserve it. I made a lot of bad choices, and you suffered for it."
Not that he didn't. The last year has basically been a stream of endless suffering that still isn't over, because even though the war is over, Cassian is still waking up with panic attacks and struggling to exist in a world where he doesn't have to be a soldier. Just because he stopped running from it doesn't mean he's not a disaster of a person.
"I hurt myself and I hurt you, and I do not have anything to show for it."
Continuing to fight just made things worse, and it cost him the only stability and family he'd had since he was a child. Only this time he can't even blame the war - it's just himself.
He does have something to show for it, thought. A tiny baby with a name like his father's and eyes like stardust and Jyn gave him up. She deserves nothing from Cassian.
"Stop. Stop apologizing. We both made bad choices and we were terrible to each other, but it's over now. It's masochistic to keep suffering over it." She doesn't want to talk about it anymore! She doesn't what to think about it anymore. And she most certainly does not want to listen to him making her blameless when she's done far worse than he ever had.
He doesn't want to suffer over anything, but that's a very long and lonely journey ahead. He doesn't want to fight right now either, keeping his tone quiet and calm because he refuses to get hostile, but he's not even sure he could anymore. He left the fight and part of his own was left behind too.
"That is why I wanted to apologize. We were not smart and not kind, but if I want to... get better, I need to do better too. If I want to keep living after the war, I cannot ignore all that it means anymore."
And part of that involves owning up to his own fuck ups! Maybe it wasn't all on him, but he left, repeatedly. He left a woman who spent her whole life being abandoned, he's the worst.
He was better with Jyn. But he might have ruined that long ago.
"I don't deserve your apologies, Cassian. Please stop." She practically begs, voice full of a fragility she hates.
She can't tell him. She can't tell him that he had a baby out there and she gave it away like a piece of leftovers. She can't tell him that everything he thinks he's done wrong pales in comparison to taking away the only family he has left. She can't. She can't because she couldn't bear for him to look at her the way she looks at herself.
"You're a good man, what you've done doesn't take away from that. You can build a life after the war. You're smart, you'll learn to adapt to peace."
He doesn't understand what's happening here, why she's being so defensive about him. The last time he saw Jyn they tried to talk, and it just exploded into another argument and they took out their frustrations on each other with sex instead of anything else. She had nothing kind to say in his direction.
Something is wrong. A different wrong from before. His instincts even now want him to comfort her, but he doesn't know what for, and he is still probably the cause.
She'd told him he was good before, of course, but there is a strange desperation to it now. Like she wants to end this conversation even though it's barely begun. None of it feels true to him, he still does not think himself good, but that is not why he's here. He did not come to get Jyn's reassurances.
"Why are you..." being nice to him. Rejecting his apologies. "You are not going to convince me you do not deserve to hear it. I owed it to you, and so many other things. I should never have left. I was afraid of peace. That is part of why I have come here too."
Admittedly, it's a fairly peaceful place. They don't have scuffles, it's more of a brief stopping point before ships jet off somewhere else and that's fine with her. She could leave any time she wanted, hitch a ride with some Alliance ship and get dropped off at the next planet.
She should, probably. Leave entirely so Cassian (and Baze and Bodhi and Chirrut and K2) can't find her, can't follow her again. Rip herself away like a band-aid.
He is sure this planet is nice enough. It's warm, pleasant, the people seem cheerful though that could be because the war has essentially ended.
"And I am not at peace. I don't know if I ever will be. But I have to stop being afraid to try. That is why... that is why I kept running. The war was familiar, but it is not for me anymore. I know I should have come to you to work that out, or figured it out sooner, but I was afraid."
It's a very brief outpouring, because he wants to talk to her into infinity again, but there are bridges to mend first, even if construction takes a while. He would leave if she wanted him to, but it's important to him that she know at the very least he has walked away from the war for good.
"I am here because of you. To talk, to explain, to apologize - whatever comes out of today, I know I could not make even a step forward without telling you I am done fighting and I am sorry."
Not in this place, but with her. That is what he is saying, underneath it all. After nearly a year apart he's decided he wants to stop running away from her but she isn't the angry woman he left over and over again. No, the galaxy had broken her finally.
Her eyes close, squeezed shut against the desperate desire to run as far away as she possibly can.
"I--" Her chest hurts, her breasts hurt, she wants to throw up or pass out or both. She wants to cry. If she tells him, he will leave. He'll leave and find his child and make a better life for himself now that the war is ending and she'll fade into obscurity, a fairy tale. Maybe she should.
She'd deserve it, his anger, far more than his apologies. Maybe... She shakes her head. She can't do this, whatever Baze thought he was going to accomplish sending Cassian here, he was wrong.
She doesn't want him to stay. He's not entirely sure that's it, that it's the whole thing, but she looks like she's about two seconds from a breakdown and logic follows he's the only changed factor. His presence is unexpected, he doesn't know what she's been through the last year - if he's made things worse by appearing again in her life, he just has more things to apologize for.
It doesn't stop him from tumbling three steps towards her, stopping only when he realizes his touch might not be welcome. That urge to comfort her is still there, despite believing himself the cause.
"I don't have to," he says quietly. No questions asked, he would leave right now if she told him to. "I - I should have given you warning that I was coming, but I was afraid you would not see me at all. I can leave, or we can reconvene later. I... Jyn..."
He wants to ask her what's wrong, he wants her to confide in him like she used to, but maybe it's too late. He would understand, but it doesn't make it any less terrifying.
She shakes her head, opening her mouth to say something, but all that escapes is a sob, crackling and broken, before she manages to spit out, "You won't come back again!"
That was not at all what she meant to say, what she wanted to say. Even if she did want to say it, she would have wanted to say it as a rebuke, not as a broken sob. It should be an accusation, but instead it's fear, pure and simple. She sucks in a deep breath, forces her tears back.
The sound of her voice cuts straight through him like her anger had a thousand times before. It's different this time though, the desperate broken fear. She has no evidence to the contrary. Of course it's what she would assume. He did leave, over and over. There isn't much he can say to reassure her, because he already knows she won't believe him otherwise.
"Because I want to. Because... I made a lot of mistakes and I want to prove to you that I want to stay."
He can feel his own eyes threatening to tear up, uncertain how to go forward. He wants to wrap her up in his arms simply because she looks so miserable, but she's miserable because of him.
He shakes his head. "I have no mission. I have nowhere to go except where I choose. I want to stay here, I want to stay with you. It might be too late, I might have ruined too much, but I just want -"
Without thinking, he reaches out and brushes his fingers against hers. "I want you."
Her head shakes again, expression crumbling. "You won't, you won't want--" Her mouth snaps shut before she lets anything else slip out. She can't tell him.
But then he touches her hand and for a moment it feels like she's been shocked, it feels like the world flips over but maybe that is just the way her knees give out and oh look, she's on the ground. She feels that, knees hitting the dirt path hard and painfully, but Jyn's too busy trying not to hyperventilate to notice the scrapes on her knees.
She's too busy trying not to hyperventilate to even realize she's having this breakdown in public.
Something is really wrong. He was being far too self-centered about it, but whatever is happening to Jyn right now goes beyond a scope he can imagine. She collapses on the ground in front of him and he stops fighting that instinct to go to her.
He follows her down, dropping to his knees and gathering her up in his arms despite their year apart, despite concerns she doesn't want to be touched. The least he can do is shield her sobbing from any passersby, although the street is currently and mercifully empty.
It's been pent up for so long with no outlet because Jyn wouldn't let it out, but Cassian has always been able to pull from her emotions she would rather keep tucked very far away. It was nice when it was emotions that made everything brighter.
These are not those emotions and she cannot seem to control them anymore, it's like a flood.
"I can't tell you," she whimpers, feeling crushed by the weight of keeping from him the one thing she shouldn't be keeping from him. "I don't want you to hate me."
She accepts it, which is more than he might have thought possible for finding her today, but it doesn't stop him from winding his arms around her. He wants to be able to help ground her again, he wants to be able to help her make sense of her emotions. All the things he walked away from and fucked up, things he's not sure he's still capable of, but he wants to try.
"There is nothing you can say that could possibly make me hate you more than I already hate myself." He says it so matter of factly. He loves Jyn. He does not love himself. "You do not have to tell me anything you do not want to."
"I do." It's a defeated moan, punctuated by another sharp sob. She has to tell him, she has to. Even though he will hate her, he deserves to know that he's not alone in the world anymore.
The panic wells up in her throat again, making her stomach turn over, making her feel cold. She'd already lost Cassian, a fact she was reminded of every day for nearly ten months, she isn't really going to lose him again. She'd already lost him to the war. She'd lost him to his own demons, she can't lose him again. She can only give him something back.
It takes him a moment. The name catches up to him as the baby with Baze, but it's like his brain cannot comprehend what she's telling him. Javi is his. Javi can't be his. He has no children, he hasn't seen Jyn in over a year.
A year is long enough for someone to have a baby.
He pulls back enough to look at her face, confusion plain on his. Her words repeat in his head again, and his confusion is sprinkled with shock, with distress, with bewilderment, with who knows what else, because that can't be right.
"What?" He stares at her messy, tear-stained face and tries to make sense of what she's just told him. "That - that baby with Baze is..."
He can't say it. It can't be real, how is this real?
"He's yours," Jyn whispers again, sounding brokenhearted as she stares down at the dirt and gravel underneath her knees. She can't say that he's hers because she can't get past the idea that she gave the tiny baby away, gave him up for someone else to take care of and love and protect.
"I couldn't... I couldn't do it, without you."
She couldn't bear it, more like. Jyn could probably keep a baby alive on her own, but she wouldn't be any good at it. The baby would grow up to be an adult that hated her, or worse -- hated himself.
It still doesn't make any sense. How could he just... not know this happened? How could it not get back to him at all, even after he returned from his last mission? How could he touch the child and Baze not say a single word to him?
He has a son. He has a child with Jyn. Why isn't the ground shaking under him?
Cassian falls back on his own knees, grip slipping from around her and hands sliding down her arms. He doesn't let go, because he's afraid she'll run and he can't handle that right now. His fingers wind around her arms, firm without being forceful.
He doesn't know how to handle any of this.
"Why didn't you tell me?" As soon as the question is out of his mouth, it makes it feel more real somehow, and he feels a quiet surge of anger with it. What if he never came to find her? "Were you going to tell me?"
Her eyes lift but she can't force the anger she wants to have. She wishes she could be angry, it would be so much easier.
"How was I supposed to tell you, Cassian? Comm you on one of your many radio silent missions? The missions you took to get away from me?" So first of all, fuck him. He has no right to talk about communication when so many of his missions had no means of contact.
"Baze would have told you. When you weren't being suicidal." When the time was right, he would have known the best time.
He deflates instantly, even if she's not yelling at him in anger. It's still there, or it would be if she could muster it. He lets go of her, jerking his hands back into his lap, because it's all a reminder of what he did to her, he shouldn't be touching her. If she wants to leave, who is he to stop her?
No wonder she didn't tell him. He didn't deserve to know.
"I never took them to get away from you," he says hoarsely. He took them because, as she mentioned, he was probably somewhat suicidal in his desperate run to avoid himself after the war. He's not sure there would be a right time. Maybe he shouldn't have ever known.
"Not if you told him not to." It doesn't sound accusatory this time, just matter of fact. He left them all, not just Jyn. Baze has no reason to share it, and it's not like Cassian is in any kind of shape to care for a baby when he can barely look after himself.
His baby. He has a baby. He squeezes his eyes shut in an effort to stave off the dizziness.
When Cassian wasn't a mess, when he wasn't jumping to get on the next mission, when it looked like he was going to stay. Baze was never supposed to tell Cassian about Jyn, only the baby.
She feels cold without his touch, but it's expected and she's depressingly used to it. It's what urges her to push herself to her feet, wiping the dirt and gravel off her knees. It was like the admission broke something inside her; the tears have mostly abated, she can breathe again, but it's like she's hollow.
"Go home, Cassian. Say hello to Javi before you leave again."
She climbs to her feet, but Cassian can't move. He wants the ground to swallow him up. He should be mad Jyn didn't tell him herself, but part of him can't blame her, part of him still thinks he shouldn't have come to know it at all.
How can he have a baby with Jyn when Jyn doesn't want anything to do with either of them? He can't possibly go to that baby without her.
He told himself that boxing away his feelings was bad, that he had to stop doing it. It drove him away from everyone, from Jyn. But when he tried to do something about it, he finds it somehow made things worse. Before he leaves again, she said, of course she doesn't believe him, he wouldn't believe him.
He just has to box it up again. Maybe he can't fix himself. He is beyond repair, just like he always thought.
"Baze and Chirrut and Bodhi. K2, force, even Draven. You have a home, Cassian. You have a family. Stay long enough to let them remind you." She knows Bodhi misses him -- she knows Bodhi misses her, but that's a different story. She thinks she has the right to be hypocritical.
"He has a dimple, like you. But I couldn't do it on my own, I can barely take care of myself. Baze and Chirrut were a natural choice." She shrugs, voice continuing to be quiet and monotone, devoid of any inflection. "What else was I supposed to do?"
Cassian shakes his head. He left all of them, and he's already botched up trying to patch up the most important part of his home. He ruined his home and he doesn't feel capable of fixing it. He lost it. He doesn't have her, how can he have a home?
He can't disagree with her there. Baze and Chirrut probably are the natural choice. He seemed like a happy baby. He has a baby. Nausea, that's what this churning is.
His own tone starts to match hers, though his monotony is forced. He doesn't want to feel anything. He doesn't want to think about Javi having a dimple just like him.
"What makes you think I can do it on my own either?"
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ohnofeelstho2018-09-24 07:35 pm
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Not that he didn't. The last year has basically been a stream of endless suffering that still isn't over, because even though the war is over, Cassian is still waking up with panic attacks and struggling to exist in a world where he doesn't have to be a soldier. Just because he stopped running from it doesn't mean he's not a disaster of a person.
"I hurt myself and I hurt you, and I do not have anything to show for it."
Continuing to fight just made things worse, and it cost him the only stability and family he'd had since he was a child. Only this time he can't even blame the war - it's just himself.
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"Stop. Stop apologizing. We both made bad choices and we were terrible to each other, but it's over now. It's masochistic to keep suffering over it." She doesn't want to talk about it anymore! She doesn't what to think about it anymore. And she most certainly does not want to listen to him making her blameless when she's done far worse than he ever had.
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He doesn't want to suffer over anything, but that's a very long and lonely journey ahead. He doesn't want to fight right now either, keeping his tone quiet and calm because he refuses to get hostile, but he's not even sure he could anymore. He left the fight and part of his own was left behind too.
"That is why I wanted to apologize. We were not smart and not kind, but if I want to... get better, I need to do better too. If I want to keep living after the war, I cannot ignore all that it means anymore."
And part of that involves owning up to his own fuck ups! Maybe it wasn't all on him, but he left, repeatedly. He left a woman who spent her whole life being abandoned, he's the worst.
He was better with Jyn. But he might have ruined that long ago.
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She can't tell him. She can't tell him that he had a baby out there and she gave it away like a piece of leftovers. She can't tell him that everything he thinks he's done wrong pales in comparison to taking away the only family he has left. She can't. She can't because she couldn't bear for him to look at her the way she looks at herself.
"You're a good man, what you've done doesn't take away from that. You can build a life after the war. You're smart, you'll learn to adapt to peace."
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He doesn't understand what's happening here, why she's being so defensive about him. The last time he saw Jyn they tried to talk, and it just exploded into another argument and they took out their frustrations on each other with sex instead of anything else. She had nothing kind to say in his direction.
Something is wrong. A different wrong from before. His instincts even now want him to comfort her, but he doesn't know what for, and he is still probably the cause.
She'd told him he was good before, of course, but there is a strange desperation to it now. Like she wants to end this conversation even though it's barely begun. None of it feels true to him, he still does not think himself good, but that is not why he's here. He did not come to get Jyn's reassurances.
"Why are you..." being nice to him. Rejecting his apologies. "You are not going to convince me you do not deserve to hear it. I owed it to you, and so many other things. I should never have left. I was afraid of peace. That is part of why I have come here too."
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Admittedly, it's a fairly peaceful place. They don't have scuffles, it's more of a brief stopping point before ships jet off somewhere else and that's fine with her. She could leave any time she wanted, hitch a ride with some Alliance ship and get dropped off at the next planet.
She should, probably. Leave entirely so Cassian (and Baze and Bodhi and Chirrut and K2) can't find her, can't follow her again. Rip herself away like a band-aid.
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He is sure this planet is nice enough. It's warm, pleasant, the people seem cheerful though that could be because the war has essentially ended.
"And I am not at peace. I don't know if I ever will be. But I have to stop being afraid to try. That is why... that is why I kept running. The war was familiar, but it is not for me anymore. I know I should have come to you to work that out, or figured it out sooner, but I was afraid."
It's a very brief outpouring, because he wants to talk to her into infinity again, but there are bridges to mend first, even if construction takes a while. He would leave if she wanted him to, but it's important to him that she know at the very least he has walked away from the war for good.
"I am here because of you. To talk, to explain, to apologize - whatever comes out of today, I know I could not make even a step forward without telling you I am done fighting and I am sorry."
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Not in this place, but with her. That is what he is saying, underneath it all. After nearly a year apart he's decided he wants to stop running away from her but she isn't the angry woman he left over and over again. No, the galaxy had broken her finally.
Her eyes close, squeezed shut against the desperate desire to run as far away as she possibly can.
"I--" Her chest hurts, her breasts hurt, she wants to throw up or pass out or both. She wants to cry. If she tells him, he will leave. He'll leave and find his child and make a better life for himself now that the war is ending and she'll fade into obscurity, a fairy tale. Maybe she should.
She'd deserve it, his anger, far more than his apologies. Maybe... She shakes her head. She can't do this, whatever Baze thought he was going to accomplish sending Cassian here, he was wrong.
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She doesn't want him to stay. He's not entirely sure that's it, that it's the whole thing, but she looks like she's about two seconds from a breakdown and logic follows he's the only changed factor. His presence is unexpected, he doesn't know what she's been through the last year - if he's made things worse by appearing again in her life, he just has more things to apologize for.
It doesn't stop him from tumbling three steps towards her, stopping only when he realizes his touch might not be welcome. That urge to comfort her is still there, despite believing himself the cause.
"I don't have to," he says quietly. No questions asked, he would leave right now if she told him to. "I - I should have given you warning that I was coming, but I was afraid you would not see me at all. I can leave, or we can reconvene later. I... Jyn..."
He wants to ask her what's wrong, he wants her to confide in him like she used to, but maybe it's too late. He would understand, but it doesn't make it any less terrifying.
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That was not at all what she meant to say, what she wanted to say. Even if she did want to say it, she would have wanted to say it as a rebuke, not as a broken sob. It should be an accusation, but instead it's fear, pure and simple. She sucks in a deep breath, forces her tears back.
"I'm not a mission. Why would you come back?"
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"Because I want to. Because... I made a lot of mistakes and I want to prove to you that I want to stay."
He can feel his own eyes threatening to tear up, uncertain how to go forward. He wants to wrap her up in his arms simply because she looks so miserable, but she's miserable because of him.
He shakes his head. "I have no mission. I have nowhere to go except where I choose. I want to stay here, I want to stay with you. It might be too late, I might have ruined too much, but I just want -"
Without thinking, he reaches out and brushes his fingers against hers. "I want you."
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But then he touches her hand and for a moment it feels like she's been shocked, it feels like the world flips over but maybe that is just the way her knees give out and oh look, she's on the ground. She feels that, knees hitting the dirt path hard and painfully, but Jyn's too busy trying not to hyperventilate to notice the scrapes on her knees.
She's too busy trying not to hyperventilate to even realize she's having this breakdown in public.
Cool.
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He follows her down, dropping to his knees and gathering her up in his arms despite their year apart, despite concerns she doesn't want to be touched. The least he can do is shield her sobbing from any passersby, although the street is currently and mercifully empty.
"Jyn," he says softly.
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These are not those emotions and she cannot seem to control them anymore, it's like a flood.
"I can't tell you," she whimpers, feeling crushed by the weight of keeping from him the one thing she shouldn't be keeping from him. "I don't want you to hate me."
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"There is nothing you can say that could possibly make me hate you more than I already hate myself." He says it so matter of factly. He loves Jyn. He does not love himself. "You do not have to tell me anything you do not want to."
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The panic wells up in her throat again, making her stomach turn over, making her feel cold. She'd already lost Cassian, a fact she was reminded of every day for nearly ten months, she isn't really going to lose him again. She'd already lost him to the war. She'd lost him to his own demons, she can't lose him again. She can only give him something back.
"Javi is yours."
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It takes him a moment. The name catches up to him as the baby with Baze, but it's like his brain cannot comprehend what she's telling him. Javi is his. Javi can't be his. He has no children, he hasn't seen Jyn in over a year.
A year is long enough for someone to have a baby.
He pulls back enough to look at her face, confusion plain on his. Her words repeat in his head again, and his confusion is sprinkled with shock, with distress, with bewilderment, with who knows what else, because that can't be right.
"What?" He stares at her messy, tear-stained face and tries to make sense of what she's just told him. "That - that baby with Baze is..."
He can't say it. It can't be real, how is this real?
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"I couldn't... I couldn't do it, without you."
She couldn't bear it, more like. Jyn could probably keep a baby alive on her own, but she wouldn't be any good at it. The baby would grow up to be an adult that hated her, or worse -- hated himself.
Jyn couldn't do that.
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He has a son. He has a child with Jyn. Why isn't the ground shaking under him?
Cassian falls back on his own knees, grip slipping from around her and hands sliding down her arms. He doesn't let go, because he's afraid she'll run and he can't handle that right now. His fingers wind around her arms, firm without being forceful.
He doesn't know how to handle any of this.
"Why didn't you tell me?" As soon as the question is out of his mouth, it makes it feel more real somehow, and he feels a quiet surge of anger with it. What if he never came to find her? "Were you going to tell me?"
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Her eyes lift but she can't force the anger she wants to have. She wishes she could be angry, it would be so much easier.
"How was I supposed to tell you, Cassian? Comm you on one of your many radio silent missions? The missions you took to get away from me?" So first of all, fuck him. He has no right to talk about communication when so many of his missions had no means of contact.
"Baze would have told you. When you weren't being suicidal." When the time was right, he would have known the best time.
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No wonder she didn't tell him. He didn't deserve to know.
"I never took them to get away from you," he says hoarsely. He took them because, as she mentioned, he was probably somewhat suicidal in his desperate run to avoid himself after the war. He's not sure there would be a right time. Maybe he shouldn't have ever known.
"Not if you told him not to." It doesn't sound accusatory this time, just matter of fact. He left them all, not just Jyn. Baze has no reason to share it, and it's not like Cassian is in any kind of shape to care for a baby when he can barely look after himself.
His baby. He has a baby. He squeezes his eyes shut in an effort to stave off the dizziness.
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When Cassian wasn't a mess, when he wasn't jumping to get on the next mission, when it looked like he was going to stay. Baze was never supposed to tell Cassian about Jyn, only the baby.
She feels cold without his touch, but it's expected and she's depressingly used to it. It's what urges her to push herself to her feet, wiping the dirt and gravel off her knees. It was like the admission broke something inside her; the tears have mostly abated, she can breathe again, but it's like she's hollow.
"Go home, Cassian. Say hello to Javi before you leave again."
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How can he have a baby with Jyn when Jyn doesn't want anything to do with either of them? He can't possibly go to that baby without her.
He told himself that boxing away his feelings was bad, that he had to stop doing it. It drove him away from everyone, from Jyn. But when he tried to do something about it, he finds it somehow made things worse. Before he leaves again, she said, of course she doesn't believe him, he wouldn't believe him.
He just has to box it up again. Maybe he can't fix himself. He is beyond repair, just like he always thought.
"I do not have a home anymore."
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It's her, it was her before he decided otherwise.
"Baze and Chirrut and Bodhi. K2, force, even Draven. You have a home, Cassian. You have a family. Stay long enough to let them remind you." She knows Bodhi misses him -- she knows Bodhi misses her, but that's a different story. She thinks she has the right to be hypocritical.
"He has a dimple, like you. But I couldn't do it on my own, I can barely take care of myself. Baze and Chirrut were a natural choice." She shrugs, voice continuing to be quiet and monotone, devoid of any inflection. "What else was I supposed to do?"
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Cassian shakes his head. He left all of them, and he's already botched up trying to patch up the most important part of his home. He ruined his home and he doesn't feel capable of fixing it. He lost it. He doesn't have her, how can he have a home?
He can't disagree with her there. Baze and Chirrut probably are the natural choice. He seemed like a happy baby. He has a baby. Nausea, that's what this churning is.
His own tone starts to match hers, though his monotony is forced. He doesn't want to feel anything. He doesn't want to think about Javi having a dimple just like him.
"What makes you think I can do it on my own either?"
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