It's like whiplash when she stops kissing him, combined with the warm weight of her still on top of him. He doesn't fight it, he wouldn't dare, but it does leave him kind of dizzy.
She still wants him to be happy. He stares up at her vaguely uncomprehending, like she hadn't just kissed him like she still wanted him. He doesn't know if he could sleep right now. Without the distraction of her kiss, his eyes water up again and it feels like his emotions are crawling up his throat, like they want to choke him.
A shower might be nice. Like a reset button. Maybe he should not have drank so much.
He squeezes her hand back, not wanting to let go. "All - all my things are at the ship." His voice is hoarse and quiet and somehow on edge. "I would have to borrow - soap." And a towel and shampoo and everything else a shower entails, but he can't get the rest of it out, and he doesn't want to go back to his ship to get his things; he doesn't think he's capable of it. It just feels like an imposition to ask her to borrow literally anything.
"We've got the same Alliance issue soap here. You can use mine. There's a spare towel in there, the grey one." She continues straightening up, standing and pulling Cassian with her. She shouldn't have kissed him because now she doesn't want to stop but she knows it was the right choice. This is too much, too soon.
She has some pajamas he can borrow as well. She knows they will fit considering they used to be his and eventually became hers when the drawstring got knotted and only fit over Jyn's hips. If she cuts the string they will fit Cassian again. She'll do that once he's in the shower.
"Come on." She tugs him toward the fresher, opening the door and turning the light off before she releases his hand. The grey towel is hanging next to her blue towel. Shampoo and soap are in the fresher. There's toothpaste on the sink next to a broken blue toothbrush. She doesn't want to share but she is sure there is a spare in her room, she tends to lose them.
It's a good thing she pulls him up, because otherwise he thinks he would have just laid there. Even once he's standing and listening to her, he still feels mechanical. Like Andor the Android again, needing guidance on how to be a human being. She lists off all the things he can use and he acknowledges it internally, even if he doesn't address it aloud.
She pulls him along towards the fresher and it's only when she lets go of his hand that he looks around to take in the room. He can shower. Cleaning up after a bad mission was always a good way to get back to himself. It can't be much different in this case.
He turns back to look at her, much more reserved than the desperation he'd felt barely two minutes ago. "Okay." He pauses. "Thank you."
For the shower, obviously. And everything else, but mostly the shower because he doesn't want to overwhelm them with that everything else.
She steps back so he can close the fresher door on her, but she points to the chrono in the corner. "No less than 15 minutes." She knows how often he takes time for himself (almost never) and she is willing to push it right now. She needs the time too.
"I'll put your clothes in the laundry box and leave a pair of pajamas so if the door opens, it's just... that."
A nod, another step back, Jyn actually lifts her hand to press the button and close the door between them. She breathes out a shaky breath, shoulders slumping but doesn't waste time on her emotions. Why would she ever?
Quickly she retrieves the pajama pants, slicing the cord with a knife so that Cassian will be able o wear them, and rifles around through the rest of her clothes to see if she can find a shirt that will fit him. She finds one undershirt and flips the hem up to find MELSHI stamped on it and decides that will do. She waits until she hears the sound of the shower to slide the door open and grab his clothes, placing the clean and inexpertly folded pajamas on the toilet, before she creeps back out. Each weapon is plucked free and set on the desk along with his comlink and belt. Everything else is chucked in the laundry box along with the rest of her clothes. She even strips out of her own clothes to add those, pulling her own pajamas on.
She quickly texts K2 -- Cassian drunk and sleeping it off. You may come in. Please bring toothbrush.
That settled as well, she sweeps the wrappers and bottles and crumbs off her bed and desk and floor, shoving it all in the trash. She takes her vitamins, checks the clock and quickly expresses some milk so she doesn't feel like she's going to explode. It's not enough and she still feels sore but. She doesn't want Cassian to come face to face with that.
The room looks clean finally and Jyn sits on her bunk, staring at the familiar sight of Cassian's weapons strewn about, waiting to be tucked into their nighttime spots.
He's left alone in the bathroom, and for a good solid minute, he doesn't know where to go from there. Eventually he starts on the motions. He pulls his clothes off, but he doesn't fold them, just abandons them to the floor. He starts it up and slips inside the shower, letting the cool water drown him.
It takes him another few minutes to start on those motions, to wash down, to be careful and try to avoid slipping inside the fresher. Maybe he shouldn't be showering while he is drunk, but it's too late now. When he finishes up all the washing, he just... stands there. He might be crying, it's hard to tell against the water but he likes that he can't figure it out. He doesn't feel like he should be crying, so at least he can pretend he's not.
Eventually the water turns too cold, and he steps out. His clothes are gone, replaced with pajamas folded on the toilet, and he almost starts crying all over again because she folded them. His skin is so pruny, but he leans over the sink to wash his face again, hoping it isn't splotchy and red, but he refuses to look at himself in the mirror to check. He does not want to see himself.
She'd told him fifteen minutes, but it's closer to twenty by the time he stumbles out of the bathroom, the clothes hanging on him a little loosely. He's lost weight over the last year, having been eating fewer rations on the go.
He blinks, taking in her attempts to tidy up the room, his weapons spread out on the desk, but he's still not quite sober enough to do anything about them. He wobbles where he stands, balance off kilter, but he makes no move to join her on the bed, not without an invitation. He doesn't even assume that's where he'll sleep tonight. There's room on the floor now.
"This is Melshi's shirt." Very astute observation! But he doesn't know what else to say, doesn't want to address how loosely it fits, how much lower the pants are on his hips. "Does he know?"
She looks up from the bunk, forehead wrinkled. Why would he-- oh, well, yeah, she has his shirt. She shakes her head, patting the bed next to her. He needs to sit down before he passes out and hurts himself. He looks so frail it reminds her of how he had felt in her arms on scarif and she wants a little bit to throw up.
"No. I needed clothes so I stole his." He's as skinny as Cassian so Melshi and Bodhi's clothes were the ones she would steal when she couldn't take Cassian's.
"It's only Baze and Chirrut." A beat, expression twisting with guilt and shame. "And Draven."
"Draven knows everything." He frowns, suddenly feeling more bitter than he might have been normally at his boss and begrudging old mentor. Draven knew, and he hadn't said anything. He wonders what else Draven might have known about his life over the years and conveniently left out. "Sometimes I hate him."
He stumbles his way over to the bed, setting his hands down for balance while he sits, leaving space between them like he's afraid to get too close. He hadn't wanted to encroach on her space, but she offered and he's too drunk to overthink and decline it. It's less dizzying to be off his feet at last.
"Was Baze there?" He realizes belatedly that maybe there isn't enough to answer here, so he tries to expound. "When... when you -"
When she gave birth, when Javi was born. He desperately hopes she wasn't alone. He's not sure he could forgive himself otherwise.
Jyn had asked him not to tell Cassian until she could, then asked him not to tell Cassian at all. That job had moved to Baze and Chirrut because they would also know when he was ready and, honestly, at that point Jyn was so grateful for his discretion that she felt like she was doing him a favor by turning what she assumed would be Cassian's ire on someone else.
"He hates himself enough for all of us."
She looks down at her hands, picking idly at a broken nail. She tries not to think about giving birth, terrified that it was too soon and too much. She'd sobbed when they laid him on her chest until she begged them to take the baby away from her. She couldn't handle the closeness.
After a moment her head jerks in a nod.
"He took him back to Chirrut. Said he found him." But Chirrut knows, he probably knew from the very, very start. Javi wasn't a war orphan, just a baby whose parents have been so broken by their lifetimes of war that they needed time to piece themselves back together.
It's true. Draven has years more worth of self loathing than they do, and objectively Cassian knows the man is good at his job. He gets results. He cares in his own weird ways. But he's still mad and struggling with the idea of allowing himself to be mad. He doesn't know how to let himself do much of anything lately.
When Jyn says Baze was there, Cassian's shoulders sink in relief. She wasn't alone. He almost curls in on himself with the movement, like he wants to make himself small. "Good. Good. They will be good with him." A beat. "I am not sure I could have forgiven myself if he wasn't." He already isn't forgiving himself for not being there with her in the first place, but if she'd been alone? How monstrous. He only admits it out loud because he's not thinking clear, and it's not like there are any worse pieces of him for her to see at this point.
He squeezes his eyes shut, because they're watering and he doesn't want her to see it again. "I am sorry - I am sorry I wasn't. I'm sorry."
He's so selfish and broken and he's made so many mistakes that even though sitting here feels like another chance, he still doesn't feel like he deserves it. He wants to sleep, but he doesn't want to be away from her. He's just so tired of being tired.
Jyn wanted to hate him, she wishes she could hate him for leaving her so often, but it had always turned in on herself, especially after Javi was born. She understands the hollowness that settles deep inside and makes it hard to feel worth filling up again.
"Lay down, Cassian."
The urge to gather him up in her arms again is too much and she knows K2 will Have Opinions about that when he arrives, so instead she shifts back on the bed, tucking her pillow in her lap and coaxing Cassian to lay down. She doesn't accept his apology, she doesn't not accept his apology, she lets it lay for now, and picks up her data pad.
She doesn't want to talk but she won't be able to stand the quiet so she pulls up a book and starts reading aloud, hoping to lull Cassian to sleep. "Sir Walter Elliot, of Kellynch Hall, in Somersetshire, was a man who, for his own amusement, never took up any book but the Baronetage; there he found occupation for an idle hour, and consolation in a distressed one."
He is reluctant to lay down, even when she starts to tug him, but he caves because he's weary and weak and bone tired. It's comfortable in her lap, and even though his body is still tense, the familiarity of it soothes at him. He doesn't have the wherewithal to resist out of guilt.
She starts to read, and for a few moments Cassian is simply taken back in time, to other nights where she read to him just like this. Her voice sinks through him, and he doesn't even know what she's saying, he's just lulled by listening to her. He shuffles, resting his hand against her leg.
"I don't know this one," he mumbles, letting his eyes close. He might, but again, he doesn't have the concentration to process any of the actual words. He knows he's going to fall asleep, but he's resisting as long as he can - even if it won't be very long at all.
He is resisting sleep but Jyn knows how to break him and her hand lifts to comb her fingers through his hair, feeling him shudder against her as her fingers move slow and steady and she knows that he will be out like a light within minutes because all either of them ever wanted was a bit of comfort and warmth and it is impossible to fight.
She keeps reading until his breathing evens out and continues reading long after she could have stopped, only pausing when she hears the thud of metal on metal and she needs to stand up to let K2 in. She hasn't seen the sullen droid for ages and she has to fight the urge to hug his cold metal chassis, instead taking the toothbrush he'd brought and setting it in the fresher for Cassian for the morning. K2 runs a vitals scan on the both of them and hums pointedly when Jyn's is finished but she says nothing and he doesn't comment, shuffling to a corner Jyn has cleared for him so he can go into power saver mode since she doesn't have a charging port for him.
After getting herself ready for bed, which roughly amounts to expressing more milk so she doesn't feel like she's going to explode and brushing her own teeth, she crawls into bed behind Cassian and curls her arms around him. It's fine. This is fine. She doesn't dwell on how easy it is to fall asleep with Cassian next to her.
She is correct. He falls asleep under her touch and the sound of her voice, drawing in the comfort even against whispers that he doesn't deserve it. He's drunk enough that he falls asleep deeply, which is precisely the reason he never drank much to begin with. He sleeps through K2 coming in, sleeps through Jyn moving about, he is passed out cold from emotions, exhaustion, and inebriation.
Something in him relaxes when she crawls back into bed with him, and his hands enclose over hers, keeping her in close without even realizing.
It could be the alcohol, but it could also just be Jyn, something letting him sleep more peacefully than he has in months. He goes a whole four hours without waking, which is why naturally it's on the start of the fifth that her jerks awake suddenly, pulling out of some nightmare he forgets as soon as he blinks into consciousness, clutching tightly onto Jyn's hands and letting her touch lull him back into reality.
Which is in her bed? He fell asleep in her bed, and she let him stay. He'll process that in a moment. Despite knowing this, it still takes him a few deep breaths before he can tell himself not to launch himself out of bed and reach for a blaster.
Jyn is so tired (from life and everything) that she falls asleep quickly and heavily, warm with Cassian in front of her. Even when he jerks awake, it takes Jyn a few moments longer to swim back to consciousness, sleepily murmuring: "Shh, come back to bed."
He hasn't gone anywhere, but the sentiment remains. Don't leave, stay in bed, go back to sleep. She was getting good, decent sleep for the first time in ages, she would very much like to fall back into that.
She tries to coax him back down, running one hand down his arm as she yawns into the pillow.
"You're safe, K2 is here, come back to sleep, Andor."
In his half awake, half asleep state, he just keeps clinging to her, hand scrambling for hers after she runs it down his arm. He shouldn't, that thought crosses his mind, but she is the only solid thing he can grasp right now. He needs to ground himself. This is what he used to do, burrow against her until he stabilized.
His heart pounds in his chest, and he squeezes her hands, pulling them closer against him without thinking, trying to get his breath under control. Nothing else about his life is under his control, the least his lungs could do is cooperate.
It's so hard to feel safe. But Jyn is still here, keeping him safe. "Sorry," he sputters out, because apologies fall off his tongue far easier than anything else lately. She clearly hasn't been sleeping well, and there he goes, waking her up. His head hurts. "Go back to sleep."
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
realists) wrote in ![[community profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/community.png)
ohnofeelstho2018-09-24 07:35 pm
no subject
She still wants him to be happy. He stares up at her vaguely uncomprehending, like she hadn't just kissed him like she still wanted him. He doesn't know if he could sleep right now. Without the distraction of her kiss, his eyes water up again and it feels like his emotions are crawling up his throat, like they want to choke him.
A shower might be nice. Like a reset button. Maybe he should not have drank so much.
He squeezes her hand back, not wanting to let go. "All - all my things are at the ship." His voice is hoarse and quiet and somehow on edge. "I would have to borrow - soap." And a towel and shampoo and everything else a shower entails, but he can't get the rest of it out, and he doesn't want to go back to his ship to get his things; he doesn't think he's capable of it. It just feels like an imposition to ask her to borrow literally anything.
no subject
She has some pajamas he can borrow as well. She knows they will fit considering they used to be his and eventually became hers when the drawstring got knotted and only fit over Jyn's hips. If she cuts the string they will fit Cassian again. She'll do that once he's in the shower.
"Come on." She tugs him toward the fresher, opening the door and turning the light off before she releases his hand. The grey towel is hanging next to her blue towel. Shampoo and soap are in the fresher. There's toothpaste on the sink next to a broken blue toothbrush. She doesn't want to share but she is sure there is a spare in her room, she tends to lose them.
"Shower. I'll be here when you get out."
no subject
She pulls him along towards the fresher and it's only when she lets go of his hand that he looks around to take in the room. He can shower. Cleaning up after a bad mission was always a good way to get back to himself. It can't be much different in this case.
He turns back to look at her, much more reserved than the desperation he'd felt barely two minutes ago. "Okay." He pauses. "Thank you."
For the shower, obviously. And everything else, but mostly the shower because he doesn't want to overwhelm them with that everything else.
no subject
She steps back so he can close the fresher door on her, but she points to the chrono in the corner. "No less than 15 minutes." She knows how often he takes time for himself (almost never) and she is willing to push it right now. She needs the time too.
"I'll put your clothes in the laundry box and leave a pair of pajamas so if the door opens, it's just... that."
A nod, another step back, Jyn actually lifts her hand to press the button and close the door between them. She breathes out a shaky breath, shoulders slumping but doesn't waste time on her emotions. Why would she ever?
Quickly she retrieves the pajama pants, slicing the cord with a knife so that Cassian will be able o wear them, and rifles around through the rest of her clothes to see if she can find a shirt that will fit him. She finds one undershirt and flips the hem up to find MELSHI stamped on it and decides that will do. She waits until she hears the sound of the shower to slide the door open and grab his clothes, placing the clean and inexpertly folded pajamas on the toilet, before she creeps back out. Each weapon is plucked free and set on the desk along with his comlink and belt. Everything else is chucked in the laundry box along with the rest of her clothes. She even strips out of her own clothes to add those, pulling her own pajamas on.
She quickly texts K2 -- Cassian drunk and sleeping it off. You may come in. Please bring toothbrush.
That settled as well, she sweeps the wrappers and bottles and crumbs off her bed and desk and floor, shoving it all in the trash. She takes her vitamins, checks the clock and quickly expresses some milk so she doesn't feel like she's going to explode. It's not enough and she still feels sore but. She doesn't want Cassian to come face to face with that.
The room looks clean finally and Jyn sits on her bunk, staring at the familiar sight of Cassian's weapons strewn about, waiting to be tucked into their nighttime spots.
no subject
It takes him another few minutes to start on those motions, to wash down, to be careful and try to avoid slipping inside the fresher. Maybe he shouldn't be showering while he is drunk, but it's too late now. When he finishes up all the washing, he just... stands there. He might be crying, it's hard to tell against the water but he likes that he can't figure it out. He doesn't feel like he should be crying, so at least he can pretend he's not.
Eventually the water turns too cold, and he steps out. His clothes are gone, replaced with pajamas folded on the toilet, and he almost starts crying all over again because she folded them. His skin is so pruny, but he leans over the sink to wash his face again, hoping it isn't splotchy and red, but he refuses to look at himself in the mirror to check. He does not want to see himself.
She'd told him fifteen minutes, but it's closer to twenty by the time he stumbles out of the bathroom, the clothes hanging on him a little loosely. He's lost weight over the last year, having been eating fewer rations on the go.
He blinks, taking in her attempts to tidy up the room, his weapons spread out on the desk, but he's still not quite sober enough to do anything about them. He wobbles where he stands, balance off kilter, but he makes no move to join her on the bed, not without an invitation. He doesn't even assume that's where he'll sleep tonight. There's room on the floor now.
"This is Melshi's shirt." Very astute observation! But he doesn't know what else to say, doesn't want to address how loosely it fits, how much lower the pants are on his hips. "Does he know?"
no subject
She looks up from the bunk, forehead wrinkled. Why would he-- oh, well, yeah, she has his shirt. She shakes her head, patting the bed next to her. He needs to sit down before he passes out and hurts himself. He looks so frail it reminds her of how he had felt in her arms on scarif and she wants a little bit to throw up.
"No. I needed clothes so I stole his." He's as skinny as Cassian so Melshi and Bodhi's clothes were the ones she would steal when she couldn't take Cassian's.
"It's only Baze and Chirrut." A beat, expression twisting with guilt and shame. "And Draven."
no subject
He stumbles his way over to the bed, setting his hands down for balance while he sits, leaving space between them like he's afraid to get too close. He hadn't wanted to encroach on her space, but she offered and he's too drunk to overthink and decline it. It's less dizzying to be off his feet at last.
"Was Baze there?" He realizes belatedly that maybe there isn't enough to answer here, so he tries to expound. "When... when you -"
When she gave birth, when Javi was born. He desperately hopes she wasn't alone. He's not sure he could forgive himself otherwise.
no subject
"He hates himself enough for all of us."
She looks down at her hands, picking idly at a broken nail. She tries not to think about giving birth, terrified that it was too soon and too much. She'd sobbed when they laid him on her chest until she begged them to take the baby away from her. She couldn't handle the closeness.
After a moment her head jerks in a nod.
"He took him back to Chirrut. Said he found him." But Chirrut knows, he probably knew from the very, very start. Javi wasn't a war orphan, just a baby whose parents have been so broken by their lifetimes of war that they needed time to piece themselves back together.
no subject
When Jyn says Baze was there, Cassian's shoulders sink in relief. She wasn't alone. He almost curls in on himself with the movement, like he wants to make himself small. "Good. Good. They will be good with him." A beat. "I am not sure I could have forgiven myself if he wasn't." He already isn't forgiving himself for not being there with her in the first place, but if she'd been alone? How monstrous. He only admits it out loud because he's not thinking clear, and it's not like there are any worse pieces of him for her to see at this point.
He squeezes his eyes shut, because they're watering and he doesn't want her to see it again. "I am sorry - I am sorry I wasn't. I'm sorry."
He's so selfish and broken and he's made so many mistakes that even though sitting here feels like another chance, he still doesn't feel like he deserves it. He wants to sleep, but he doesn't want to be away from her. He's just so tired of being tired.
no subject
"Lay down, Cassian."
The urge to gather him up in her arms again is too much and she knows K2 will Have Opinions about that when he arrives, so instead she shifts back on the bed, tucking her pillow in her lap and coaxing Cassian to lay down. She doesn't accept his apology, she doesn't not accept his apology, she lets it lay for now, and picks up her data pad.
She doesn't want to talk but she won't be able to stand the quiet so she pulls up a book and starts reading aloud, hoping to lull Cassian to sleep. "Sir Walter Elliot, of Kellynch Hall, in Somersetshire, was a man who, for his own amusement, never took up any book but the Baronetage; there he found occupation for an idle hour, and consolation in a distressed one."
no subject
She starts to read, and for a few moments Cassian is simply taken back in time, to other nights where she read to him just like this. Her voice sinks through him, and he doesn't even know what she's saying, he's just lulled by listening to her. He shuffles, resting his hand against her leg.
"I don't know this one," he mumbles, letting his eyes close. He might, but again, he doesn't have the concentration to process any of the actual words. He knows he's going to fall asleep, but he's resisting as long as he can - even if it won't be very long at all.
no subject
He is resisting sleep but Jyn knows how to break him and her hand lifts to comb her fingers through his hair, feeling him shudder against her as her fingers move slow and steady and she knows that he will be out like a light within minutes because all either of them ever wanted was a bit of comfort and warmth and it is impossible to fight.
She keeps reading until his breathing evens out and continues reading long after she could have stopped, only pausing when she hears the thud of metal on metal and she needs to stand up to let K2 in. She hasn't seen the sullen droid for ages and she has to fight the urge to hug his cold metal chassis, instead taking the toothbrush he'd brought and setting it in the fresher for Cassian for the morning. K2 runs a vitals scan on the both of them and hums pointedly when Jyn's is finished but she says nothing and he doesn't comment, shuffling to a corner Jyn has cleared for him so he can go into power saver mode since she doesn't have a charging port for him.
After getting herself ready for bed, which roughly amounts to expressing more milk so she doesn't feel like she's going to explode and brushing her own teeth, she crawls into bed behind Cassian and curls her arms around him. It's fine. This is fine. She doesn't dwell on how easy it is to fall asleep with Cassian next to her.
no subject
Something in him relaxes when she crawls back into bed with him, and his hands enclose over hers, keeping her in close without even realizing.
It could be the alcohol, but it could also just be Jyn, something letting him sleep more peacefully than he has in months. He goes a whole four hours without waking, which is why naturally it's on the start of the fifth that her jerks awake suddenly, pulling out of some nightmare he forgets as soon as he blinks into consciousness, clutching tightly onto Jyn's hands and letting her touch lull him back into reality.
Which is in her bed? He fell asleep in her bed, and she let him stay. He'll process that in a moment. Despite knowing this, it still takes him a few deep breaths before he can tell himself not to launch himself out of bed and reach for a blaster.
no subject
He hasn't gone anywhere, but the sentiment remains. Don't leave, stay in bed, go back to sleep. She was getting good, decent sleep for the first time in ages, she would very much like to fall back into that.
She tries to coax him back down, running one hand down his arm as she yawns into the pillow.
"You're safe, K2 is here, come back to sleep, Andor."
no subject
His heart pounds in his chest, and he squeezes her hands, pulling them closer against him without thinking, trying to get his breath under control. Nothing else about his life is under his control, the least his lungs could do is cooperate.
It's so hard to feel safe. But Jyn is still here, keeping him safe. "Sorry," he sputters out, because apologies fall off his tongue far easier than anything else lately. She clearly hasn't been sleeping well, and there he goes, waking her up. His head hurts. "Go back to sleep."