"Impossible," he says easily. He takes the washcloth from his daughter and winds it up into more of a roll.
Cassian closes his eyes when Jyn kisses him. He knows this is going to be awful all around, he knows she can handle it, he knows she needs that final push to start.
"I trust you with my life. There is nothing that would stop me from being in love with you, Jyn." He knows she knows that too, but it's never something he has an issue with repeating. "I promise."
He swallows, then shoves the washcloth in his mouth, making sure it's not going to slip up and cause him to bite down on himself instead. He squeezes Espi's hand, then nods once at his wife. The sooner it starts, the sooner it's over.
"Why did I marry such a sentimental loser?" She hums a contented little noise, another kiss pressed to his cheek before she straightens up. Okay. She can do this, she's done worse things. She hasn't. Childbirth feels like a breeze compared to this, but it's going to be worse the longer she waits so she just has to
snip.
His pour shirt is going to be rags, and she tries to make quick work of it, cutting it up to the collar before she starts the awful work of peeling it from his bloodied back. She keeps telling herself it could be worse -- not even that he could be dead, but the injuries themselves could be worse. He smells fine, like blood, of course, but it doesn't smell sour or off. It's not foaming or pus-filled. It's not infected, yet, and if she can clean it out well enough and stitch up most of the wounds, he should be fine.
He will be fine.
He has to be fine.
He passes out not long into the ordeal and Jyn breathes a sigh of relief, ordering Espi away to eat her own dinner and clean herself up. Make the bed for her and her brother, Cassian doesn't need his hand held anymore. She did good, she did wonderful, she did perfectly. Everything right. It takes a few hours, honestly, before Jyn is satisfied with the stitches and the dressings. They're not completely closed up, she wants them to breathe and she wants to be able to make sure there is no infection growing as the days progress, but enough.
Eventually though, she's done. Mateo's fallen asleep on the bed and Espi's only awake next to him out of stubbornness, wanting to make sure her father wakes up. Jyn won't begrudge her that, nursing Avie in her arms as she sits next to Cassian, eyes closed as she slumps against the wall.
No amount of bracing himself really prepares him for the escalation of pain that follows. He tries very hard not to squeeze too hard on Espi's fingers, but he knows it happens regardless because he is essentially blinded to anything else, biting down on the washcloth so tightly he worries it's going to break. It doesn't. He just passes out instead, not very long into it.
He is safe in his wife's arms and he's already used enough adrenaline to get himself back to the barn. It lets Jyn work much more easily at least. He doesn't have to stay awake anymore.
He sleeps through for another hour or so even after she finishes, and it's only the soft sound of her singing that lulls him awake. He blinks into consciousness, focusing solely on her voice. It takes him listening through a handful of lines before he realizes she's singing to Avie, presumably singing her to sleep, and despite everything it makes him smile. They haven't gotten to do that in so long that it almost feels like he's still dreaming, if it weren't for the dull pain still in his back.
Cassian tilts his head enough to see her sitting beside him, waiting till he can catch her eye. "Hi."
Jyn would be worried if she didn't understand how much pain he was actually in. It's a god send that he passed out and she's a little disappointed he didn't stay asleep, honestly, but it's shoved aside for the relief of seeing him awake again, a tiny smile fluttering on her expression.
"Hi."
Gently, she places Avie next to him on the floor, the newborn wrapped up so tightly in her swaddle that she can only move her hat covered head. It takes Jyn a second herself, but she sinks down next to them both, curling around Avie and tucking her head onto her folded arm.
They've laid like this before, with Espi, with Mateo, once with a very drunk Bodhi between them before Espi and Mateo were even a thought. It's natural and she feels immediately comforted by the familiarity, feeling her shoulders relax.
She means to tell him the state of his injuries but instead what slips out is: "Don't scare me like that again."
He is truly blessed whens she smiles back at him, doubly so when she lays both herself and Avie beside him. His heart stutters in his chest while he looks at her tiny face, abruptly realizing this is the first time he's really gotten to look at his new daughter.
She's so small. Her mouth is so tiny, puckered lips closed tight while she breathes with a little wheeze through her nose. He thinks he remembers dark patches of hair, but her hat is tucked so neatly he doesn't dare check. He reaches out and touches her cheek with one finger, feeling amazed. He's quiet for a while, even after she speaks, because his amazing wife has brought into the world another perfect baby.
He looks back to Jyn at last, reaching out to brush his hand against her arm. "I'm sorry. I'm sorry, Jyn. I had to do... something. I had to keep them safe."
"I would have done the same. You don't-- I know." She knows he's not sorry, that he would do it again without thinking, that he would do anything for their children. She knows he's only sorry for worrying her and she hates that she'd said something that made him feel like he needed to apologize for doing exactly what she would have done in his shoes.
She shifts until she can squeeze his hand, lifting his hand to kiss his knuckles before she releases him, knowing he'll want to meet their new daughter properly.
"She has green eyes. Third try and finally one of them looks like me."
Which isn't true -- Mateo has her nose and ears and Espi has the same stubborn mouth her baby sister inherited, but it's half a joke considering Jyn honestly thought all newborns had blue eyes until their eldest daughter was born with Cassian's dark brown eyes. It's a common misconception and she was young enough to only feel a little stupid when the nurse patiently explained the reality to her. Now they do have a tiny baby with light eyes though.
He knows she would have done the same, that both of them would do anything for any one of their children, but he can still apologize for worrying her. He closes his eyes anyway when she kisses his knuckles, basking in the affection he almost lost.
His face breaks into a wider smile when she starts talking about Avie again. "I was worried we would have to try a fourth time."
A beautiful baby with Jyn's beautiful eyes. His attention drops back to her sleeping face, and he can't wait till she wakes up. He wants to hold her, but he realizes that might take... a little longer. He doesn't know what he can hold in general, how much of his own weight he can even support.
It hits him quite suddenly that he might not have gotten to meet her properly at all. He can't regret saving Espi and Mateo, but the thought of missing out on Avie strikes him quite painfully. He can feel his eyes watering a little bit, though he doesn't bother trying to wipe it away because Jyn's so close she'd see it regardless.
What if he'd never met her? This precious baby nestled tightly in her blankets, her chubby little cheeks, with her mother's nose and eyes, able to sleep because Jyn has been able to take care of her, on top of everything else including her own harrowing birth.
"She is... beautiful. And you are amazing, Jyn. Look what you did."
It's a teasing comment but Jyn's stomach rolls over at the thought of another baby. She can't do this again. She can't do this to another child, another innocent baby that doesn't deserve the life she's been brought into. She's glad when Cassian turns his attention back to the baby before her smile slips away.
"I distinctly recall you being heavily involved in her conception, Andor. Avie was a team effort." She idly runs her finger down the baby's nose, smile returning when her lips pucker in her sleep.
She focuses on the baby a while before she speaks again. "We should get you off the floor."
He catches sight of that discomfort for two seconds anyway and feels like he knows what caused it. Later, he'll apologize later, because she's still smiling and they're both still enamored by the tiny infant between them.
"Yes, but you brought her here to us. And then you saved me. Please just let me tell you how amazing you are."
He could and would gush about Jyn any day, but it feels especially pertinent now.
"I'm okay. I can see her perfectly from here."
He wants to stay on the floor and stare at his baby.
Ignores his compliments, but she doesn't interrupt or deny them so technically she is letting him tell her how amazing she is. Even if she doesn't accept it, she's letting him say it.
"You seem perfectly fine, but I'd rather sleep in the bed and it will be a lot easier to move around you when you're not on the floor, babe." She thinks he might be distracted by his new girl so Jyn decides she can easily fix that, scooping the baby into her arms and standing up to move across the basement and tuck her into the cradle before she moves back to her husband, crouching next to him.
"Can you see her perfectly now?"
Sure, he thinks his wife is amazing and wonderful, but he forgot she is amazingly stubborn and wonderfully persistent and now he has no choice but to move if he wants to keep staring at his brand new daughter.
He will take that as a victory, she allowed his compliments, therefore they are true whether she likes it or not. It's probably a good idea to sleep in the bed, but he doesn't even consider it; she is right in that he is far too distracted by the baby.
When she lifts her away, Cassian almost honest to god pouts, twisting his head to watch her move across the room as much as he can. He huffs a little when Jyn comes back into his line of sight.
"You know I cannot." He sighs. "Fine. We can try and get me to the bed."
But he clearly can't do it himself, so he just sort of... shuffles uselessly while he waits for Jyn to help him upright.
Jyn gently maneuvers him in place with murmured instructions, keeping an eye on the state of his bandages as they slowly get him to his feet. Nothing looks incredibly bloody so she takes it as a win, looping her arm carefully around his waist to support him.
"The more selfish reason I want you in bed with me is because I'm still cramping and your massages were always better than mine." She wants her uterus to go back to normal size, but does it have to hurt so much while it happens? The cramps are as bad as the contractions.
Time to shuffle on over to the bed. She knows it's going to take a while for him to get his sea legs and she doesn't push him to go faster than whatever pace he chooses, keeping a careful eye on him as they go.
He trusts her to it, slowly and steadily getting to his feet with minimum pain. It's much better than waking up in a cornbed and crawling his way towards the house. His pace is slow, each step testing how much weight he can put on himself. The left side is stronger than the right, but it sort of feels like more of the injury is on the right side of his back, so at least something makes sense.
But oh no, he shoots Jyn a concerned look, because his wife is still in pain. Like, of course she is, but to hear her say it is always worrisome. "Of course, Jyn, I will do what I can."
He's not sure he'll be able to... sit. The bend might stretch the wounds too much, at least right now, but he can probably do a little bit of a massage laying down if need be. It takes them longer than he'd like to reach the second bed, and Jyn does the same as before, giving careful instructions and helping him settle down on the bed, this time ready to be on his back after reassuring him the pressure would help with the pain.
He was right, it does pinch and hurt the stitched up wounds to curl at the waist, but it's the kind of hurt that only feels temporary. The wounds are high up, by tomorrow he thinks he'll be more mobile. He closes his eyes briefly, exhaling from the effort of moving. He sounds apologetic. "You might have to come in close for it."
It pains Jyn to see him struggle, but she knows he will be more comfortable in bed and the more prone he will be to rest if he's already tucked away in bed. The children can go to him, Mateo still loves taking naps with them when he's able so he especially will take advantage of Cassian's predicament.
A smile flutters on her expression, weak but full of a mirth that is bordering on sarcastic. "What a hardship, being closer to my husband."
She sinks down next to him, making a downright shameful noise of relief at being off her feet again. It wasn't even a particularly painful birth, if she's honest, Espi's was far worse. But it was difficult. She wouldn't use the word harrowing herself, because she's not pretentious, but that is the most apt way to describe it. She's exhausted and they don't have an ice pack for Cassian to hold against her vagina the way he did the last two times and she's really missing ice now.
If he's being honest, he's looking forward to the inevitable cuddle pile when Mateo and Espi all crawl in. The thought alone makes him glad he's climbed into the bed, doubly so when Jyn settles in beside him. She deserves to be off her feet too.
He leans over and kisses her head when she wriggles in close, and he wants to hold her, to smother her in affection, but the most he can do is reach for her hand when she presses in. It's better this way, just laying beside her. No supporting one another upright, no wild chase to get the other to safety. "What would I do without you?"
In reference to today, most obviously, but in general; he doesn't want to imagine any single part of his life without her in it.
"Die alone and unhappy, wanting for purpose and affection." It would be the same for her in any case, and she softens the comment with a brief kiss. She doesn't have the energy for anything else, even though stress and hormones do nothing to stifle the instinctive desire she has for her husband.
Leaning in, she presses her forehead against him, breathing in the familiar scent of him that has surrounded her since they were teenagers. This is where she has always felt safe, at home, alive. Strong. She's always felt she could do anything with Cassian by her side, they were an instant team.
She's still pressed against him when she adds, "If you ever apologize like that to me again, I will make sure you survive so I can kill you myself."
He smiles despite what she says. It's probably mostly true, and besides, she kisses him. He'll never get tired of that. "That sounds about right."
Just like he never gets tired of being beside her. It's been over a decade and she still brings him a strong sense of comfort. Of love. They had each other's backs even before the world completely flipped upside down, and he supposes they've made it so far because of that unconditional support.
If at all possible, his smile deepens at her threat, and he closes his eyes. "Is it too late to take the apology back then?" He kisses her head again, as best he can. "I love you. I told you I still would."
"I was so scared, Cassian." She can't help the tremor in her voice, the weakness as she sort of collapses against her, the rush of everything happening finally getting the best of her now that the children are asleep. Now that Cassian is alive and safe, it all comes out and soon Jyn is sobbing against him, silent without even thinking about it.
She can't lose him, she just can't. She'd never be able to cope without him and, beyond that, she wouldn't be happy.
He's hurt and in pain and Jyn is crying all over him and she feels bad about it, but not enough to get control over herself. She wishes she could have saved this for when everyone was asleep, tucking herself away in a corner to cry in solitude. Alas, here she is.
Oh no. His heart clenches tight in his chest as soon as she starts to speak, doubly so when she burrows in to cry against him. Cassian instantly shifts, stretching the wound in a sort of dull way, but he wraps his arms around his wife and gathers her closer to him. That feels more important.
He wants to apologize again, but she just warned him not to. It's on the tip of his tongue anyway, and he silences it by kissing her hair again.
"I know," he offers instead, and he can feel his own voice start to tremble as the reality of the entire day slowly starts to catch up to him too. He thought he'd lost her earlier, and that had lasted barely a minute after he'd seen the blood bathtub, but it was still the longest minute of his life. He doesn't know how long he'd been in that cornfield, but Jyn thought he was gone much longer. He almost died. He could have. He doesn't want to imagine their lives without one another in any capacity.
He can offer her this comfort too, holding her in with the reminder that they are together and alive. It's better to let all this fear out now.
It's Cassian being there that does finally stop the flow of Jyn's tears, the steady rise and fall of his chest, the warmth radiating off him, the feel of his breath on her skin, the clutch of his fingers holding her tight against him even though she knows he must be so tired and so weak. In sickness and in health, in good times and in bad was never supposed to mean this.
It wasn't supposed to mean a life of silence surrounded by terror and death and fear, it was supposed to be the man flu and lost jobs and body image and fighting about whether or not to teach the children American or Mexican sign language.
Even still. There is no one else she would rather be navigating all these bad times with and she's quiet for a long while with her forehead pressed under his collarbone before she manages to speak again, quiet and soft as usual, but burning with conviction.
"Will you marry me again, Cassian Andor?" A reminder that their tiny, beautiful family can continue to love and life despite their circumstances.
He can feel her settling beside him, the way her breathing slows, the calmness slowly starting to roll over her. They've always been able to help each other that way, simply by existing together. He doesn't want to think about never doing this again, never being beside her. In sickness and in health has really been put to the test, but he likes to think they're succeeding. Not even homicidal aliens have managed to ruin them, even though they're undoubtedly tried. They're winning because they're still the best of teams.
Cassian tilts his head just enough to brush his lips over her hair, squeezing her hand with all the strength he can muster - which isn't a lot, but the effort should be noted.
"I would marry you one thousand times. I would marry you every year, every day, every time you asked. There is no part of me that does not want to be with you forever."
There is a reason they're fighting so hard to keep living, to keep surviving, and it's this little family that keeps growing, it's the love they all have for each other. It's the greatest fuel.
Jyn does genuinely want to marry him again, with all their children present, sharing their love with their family that they made. It's not tenable now, not in this world, and it breaks Jyn's heart a little that they don't have the ability to do something as simple as reaffirming their love in front of other people.
Avie mewls in her little cocoon and automatically, without thinking, Jyn rolls out of bed, wincing slightly as she scoops up their newborn daughter and brings her back to bed with her, settling the tiny baby between them. Avie is satisfied for a few moments, jerking awkwardly as her body continues getting used to being outside of the womb, before she mewls again, mouth opening hungrily and pressing against Cassian like she will find dinner there.
"There's no food that way, y'numpty," Jyn whispers with a soft laugh, even as she slips her arm free of her sweater so she can feed their hungry daughter.
He wants to imagine that one day they can. One day they can have another little ceremony with their babies, with an officiator who speaks sign language. He just wants to... celebrate with their family, with friends and more and just live normally. He wants Avie to experience that, but unlike their other children, she's going to not know what life was like before.
Cassian misses Jyn as soon as she rolls out of bed, but he's not about to complain when he realizes where she's going. The second his baby is lowered between them, he's back to staring at her tiny perfect face. She's just... so little. He knows newborns are little, he has two children already, but it never stops being a little awing.
The baby turns towards him in hunger, and Cassian only laughs, feeling very quickly like he's on the verge of tears again. It's broken when Jyn speaks, but of course she calls their daughter a numpty. He loves her. "I would if I could, Avie my love. She is so beautiful, Jyn."
"She looks like Espi." Their first, the girl that taught Jyn to parent and how to love herself finally because if she couldn't love herself how could she teach a little girl to love herself?
Their newest baby girl does look like her sister: same round head, same solemn little mouth making her look very serious, same dark hair and long eyelashes all of the children had inherited. Jyn's eyes, Cassian's dimple.
She settles Avie in to nurse, freeing her from her swaddled prison so her arms can flail about, one of of them jerking back to hit Cassian in the chest. They made this. Somehow in this hell, they made something so precious. They have kept these precious things safe, somehow.
And she almost fucked it all up.
"We were arguing," she explains finally, words directed at the baby and not at Cassian. "Me and Espi." Arguing the way mothers and daughters do, the way two people with similar personalities do. Jyn was in pain and she should know better but all she wanted was ten minutes peace to herself. "That's why I sent her to find you are the stream. I told her to help you bring back the fish but I just wanted to be alone..."
And in doing so put her eldest daughter in danger, put her entire family in danger, put her husband in danger and he'd nearly died! All because she couldn't handle always needing to be a parent. "I'm so sorry, Cassian."
She looks very much like Espi as a baby, save for the eyes. Not a clone, there are little differences, but Cassian can see it so clearly it's almost awing. They have three children and each one is just as spectacular as the rest, but each one shares bits and pieces of each other, of both their parents. She smacks him in the chest and it's the best thing that's happened to him today, her tiny little fingers curled up, her face scrunching up like she's trying to figure out how she feels about making a fist.
He is staring so intently at Avie that he misses Jyn's initial descent into thinking about Espi, but he is quick to pick up on it. He can almost feel the guilt radiating off her, and he isn't having it.
"Stop. This is not your fault." He wants to gather her up tightly in his arms but he can't, so he settles for finding her hand instead and squeezing her fingers. There isn't a single part of him that's going to blame her for this, for arguing with Espi, an occurrence more common than unusual. "It does not matter. We are here now and we are all safe. You sent her to help, and any other time she would have made it to me. We prepared for this. Together."
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ohnofeelstho2018-04-12 11:54 pm
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Cassian closes his eyes when Jyn kisses him. He knows this is going to be awful all around, he knows she can handle it, he knows she needs that final push to start.
"I trust you with my life. There is nothing that would stop me from being in love with you, Jyn." He knows she knows that too, but it's never something he has an issue with repeating. "I promise."
He swallows, then shoves the washcloth in his mouth, making sure it's not going to slip up and cause him to bite down on himself instead. He squeezes Espi's hand, then nods once at his wife. The sooner it starts, the sooner it's over.
no subject
snip.
His pour shirt is going to be rags, and she tries to make quick work of it, cutting it up to the collar before she starts the awful work of peeling it from his bloodied back. She keeps telling herself it could be worse -- not even that he could be dead, but the injuries themselves could be worse. He smells fine, like blood, of course, but it doesn't smell sour or off. It's not foaming or pus-filled. It's not infected, yet, and if she can clean it out well enough and stitch up most of the wounds, he should be fine.
He will be fine.
He has to be fine.
He passes out not long into the ordeal and Jyn breathes a sigh of relief, ordering Espi away to eat her own dinner and clean herself up. Make the bed for her and her brother, Cassian doesn't need his hand held anymore. She did good, she did wonderful, she did perfectly. Everything right. It takes a few hours, honestly, before Jyn is satisfied with the stitches and the dressings. They're not completely closed up, she wants them to breathe and she wants to be able to make sure there is no infection growing as the days progress, but enough.
Eventually though, she's done. Mateo's fallen asleep on the bed and Espi's only awake next to him out of stubbornness, wanting to make sure her father wakes up. Jyn won't begrudge her that, nursing Avie in her arms as she sits next to Cassian, eyes closed as she slumps against the wall.
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He is safe in his wife's arms and he's already used enough adrenaline to get himself back to the barn. It lets Jyn work much more easily at least. He doesn't have to stay awake anymore.
He sleeps through for another hour or so even after she finishes, and it's only the soft sound of her singing that lulls him awake. He blinks into consciousness, focusing solely on her voice. It takes him listening through a handful of lines before he realizes she's singing to Avie, presumably singing her to sleep, and despite everything it makes him smile. They haven't gotten to do that in so long that it almost feels like he's still dreaming, if it weren't for the dull pain still in his back.
Cassian tilts his head enough to see her sitting beside him, waiting till he can catch her eye. "Hi."
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"Hi."
Gently, she places Avie next to him on the floor, the newborn wrapped up so tightly in her swaddle that she can only move her hat covered head. It takes Jyn a second herself, but she sinks down next to them both, curling around Avie and tucking her head onto her folded arm.
They've laid like this before, with Espi, with Mateo, once with a very drunk Bodhi between them before Espi and Mateo were even a thought. It's natural and she feels immediately comforted by the familiarity, feeling her shoulders relax.
She means to tell him the state of his injuries but instead what slips out is: "Don't scare me like that again."
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She's so small. Her mouth is so tiny, puckered lips closed tight while she breathes with a little wheeze through her nose. He thinks he remembers dark patches of hair, but her hat is tucked so neatly he doesn't dare check. He reaches out and touches her cheek with one finger, feeling amazed. He's quiet for a while, even after she speaks, because his amazing wife has brought into the world another perfect baby.
He looks back to Jyn at last, reaching out to brush his hand against her arm. "I'm sorry. I'm sorry, Jyn. I had to do... something. I had to keep them safe."
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She shifts until she can squeeze his hand, lifting his hand to kiss his knuckles before she releases him, knowing he'll want to meet their new daughter properly.
"She has green eyes. Third try and finally one of them looks like me."
Which isn't true -- Mateo has her nose and ears and Espi has the same stubborn mouth her baby sister inherited, but it's half a joke considering Jyn honestly thought all newborns had blue eyes until their eldest daughter was born with Cassian's dark brown eyes. It's a common misconception and she was young enough to only feel a little stupid when the nurse patiently explained the reality to her. Now they do have a tiny baby with light eyes though.
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His face breaks into a wider smile when she starts talking about Avie again. "I was worried we would have to try a fourth time."
A beautiful baby with Jyn's beautiful eyes. His attention drops back to her sleeping face, and he can't wait till she wakes up. He wants to hold her, but he realizes that might take... a little longer. He doesn't know what he can hold in general, how much of his own weight he can even support.
It hits him quite suddenly that he might not have gotten to meet her properly at all. He can't regret saving Espi and Mateo, but the thought of missing out on Avie strikes him quite painfully. He can feel his eyes watering a little bit, though he doesn't bother trying to wipe it away because Jyn's so close she'd see it regardless.
What if he'd never met her? This precious baby nestled tightly in her blankets, her chubby little cheeks, with her mother's nose and eyes, able to sleep because Jyn has been able to take care of her, on top of everything else including her own harrowing birth.
"She is... beautiful. And you are amazing, Jyn. Look what you did."
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"I distinctly recall you being heavily involved in her conception, Andor. Avie was a team effort." She idly runs her finger down the baby's nose, smile returning when her lips pucker in her sleep.
She focuses on the baby a while before she speaks again. "We should get you off the floor."
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"Yes, but you brought her here to us. And then you saved me. Please just let me tell you how amazing you are."
He could and would gush about Jyn any day, but it feels especially pertinent now.
"I'm okay. I can see her perfectly from here."
He wants to stay on the floor and stare at his baby.
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"You seem perfectly fine, but I'd rather sleep in the bed and it will be a lot easier to move around you when you're not on the floor, babe." She thinks he might be distracted by his new girl so Jyn decides she can easily fix that, scooping the baby into her arms and standing up to move across the basement and tuck her into the cradle before she moves back to her husband, crouching next to him.
"Can you see her perfectly now?"
Sure, he thinks his wife is amazing and wonderful, but he forgot she is amazingly stubborn and wonderfully persistent and now he has no choice but to move if he wants to keep staring at his brand new daughter.
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When she lifts her away, Cassian almost honest to god pouts, twisting his head to watch her move across the room as much as he can. He huffs a little when Jyn comes back into his line of sight.
"You know I cannot." He sighs. "Fine. We can try and get me to the bed."
But he clearly can't do it himself, so he just sort of... shuffles uselessly while he waits for Jyn to help him upright.
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"The more selfish reason I want you in bed with me is because I'm still cramping and your massages were always better than mine." She wants her uterus to go back to normal size, but does it have to hurt so much while it happens? The cramps are as bad as the contractions.
Time to shuffle on over to the bed. She knows it's going to take a while for him to get his sea legs and she doesn't push him to go faster than whatever pace he chooses, keeping a careful eye on him as they go.
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But oh no, he shoots Jyn a concerned look, because his wife is still in pain. Like, of course she is, but to hear her say it is always worrisome. "Of course, Jyn, I will do what I can."
He's not sure he'll be able to... sit. The bend might stretch the wounds too much, at least right now, but he can probably do a little bit of a massage laying down if need be. It takes them longer than he'd like to reach the second bed, and Jyn does the same as before, giving careful instructions and helping him settle down on the bed, this time ready to be on his back after reassuring him the pressure would help with the pain.
He was right, it does pinch and hurt the stitched up wounds to curl at the waist, but it's the kind of hurt that only feels temporary. The wounds are high up, by tomorrow he thinks he'll be more mobile. He closes his eyes briefly, exhaling from the effort of moving. He sounds apologetic. "You might have to come in close for it."
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A smile flutters on her expression, weak but full of a mirth that is bordering on sarcastic. "What a hardship, being closer to my husband."
She sinks down next to him, making a downright shameful noise of relief at being off her feet again. It wasn't even a particularly painful birth, if she's honest, Espi's was far worse. But it was difficult. She wouldn't use the word harrowing herself, because she's not pretentious, but that is the most apt way to describe it. She's exhausted and they don't have an ice pack for Cassian to hold against her vagina the way he did the last two times and she's really missing ice now.
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He leans over and kisses her head when she wriggles in close, and he wants to hold her, to smother her in affection, but the most he can do is reach for her hand when she presses in. It's better this way, just laying beside her. No supporting one another upright, no wild chase to get the other to safety. "What would I do without you?"
In reference to today, most obviously, but in general; he doesn't want to imagine any single part of his life without her in it.
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Leaning in, she presses her forehead against him, breathing in the familiar scent of him that has surrounded her since they were teenagers. This is where she has always felt safe, at home, alive. Strong. She's always felt she could do anything with Cassian by her side, they were an instant team.
She's still pressed against him when she adds, "If you ever apologize like that to me again, I will make sure you survive so I can kill you myself."
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Just like he never gets tired of being beside her. It's been over a decade and she still brings him a strong sense of comfort. Of love. They had each other's backs even before the world completely flipped upside down, and he supposes they've made it so far because of that unconditional support.
If at all possible, his smile deepens at her threat, and he closes his eyes. "Is it too late to take the apology back then?" He kisses her head again, as best he can. "I love you. I told you I still would."
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She can't lose him, she just can't. She'd never be able to cope without him and, beyond that, she wouldn't be happy.
He's hurt and in pain and Jyn is crying all over him and she feels bad about it, but not enough to get control over herself. She wishes she could have saved this for when everyone was asleep, tucking herself away in a corner to cry in solitude. Alas, here she is.
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He wants to apologize again, but she just warned him not to. It's on the tip of his tongue anyway, and he silences it by kissing her hair again.
"I know," he offers instead, and he can feel his own voice start to tremble as the reality of the entire day slowly starts to catch up to him too. He thought he'd lost her earlier, and that had lasted barely a minute after he'd seen the blood bathtub, but it was still the longest minute of his life. He doesn't know how long he'd been in that cornfield, but Jyn thought he was gone much longer. He almost died. He could have. He doesn't want to imagine their lives without one another in any capacity.
He can offer her this comfort too, holding her in with the reminder that they are together and alive. It's better to let all this fear out now.
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It wasn't supposed to mean a life of silence surrounded by terror and death and fear, it was supposed to be the man flu and lost jobs and body image and fighting about whether or not to teach the children American or Mexican sign language.
Even still. There is no one else she would rather be navigating all these bad times with and she's quiet for a long while with her forehead pressed under his collarbone before she manages to speak again, quiet and soft as usual, but burning with conviction.
"Will you marry me again, Cassian Andor?" A reminder that their tiny, beautiful family can continue to love and life despite their circumstances.
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Cassian tilts his head just enough to brush his lips over her hair, squeezing her hand with all the strength he can muster - which isn't a lot, but the effort should be noted.
"I would marry you one thousand times. I would marry you every year, every day, every time you asked. There is no part of me that does not want to be with you forever."
There is a reason they're fighting so hard to keep living, to keep surviving, and it's this little family that keeps growing, it's the love they all have for each other. It's the greatest fuel.
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Avie mewls in her little cocoon and automatically, without thinking, Jyn rolls out of bed, wincing slightly as she scoops up their newborn daughter and brings her back to bed with her, settling the tiny baby between them. Avie is satisfied for a few moments, jerking awkwardly as her body continues getting used to being outside of the womb, before she mewls again, mouth opening hungrily and pressing against Cassian like she will find dinner there.
"There's no food that way, y'numpty," Jyn whispers with a soft laugh, even as she slips her arm free of her sweater so she can feed their hungry daughter.
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Cassian misses Jyn as soon as she rolls out of bed, but he's not about to complain when he realizes where she's going. The second his baby is lowered between them, he's back to staring at her tiny perfect face. She's just... so little. He knows newborns are little, he has two children already, but it never stops being a little awing.
The baby turns towards him in hunger, and Cassian only laughs, feeling very quickly like he's on the verge of tears again. It's broken when Jyn speaks, but of course she calls their daughter a numpty. He loves her. "I would if I could, Avie my love. She is so beautiful, Jyn."
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Their newest baby girl does look like her sister: same round head, same solemn little mouth making her look very serious, same dark hair and long eyelashes all of the children had inherited. Jyn's eyes, Cassian's dimple.
She settles Avie in to nurse, freeing her from her swaddled prison so her arms can flail about, one of of them jerking back to hit Cassian in the chest. They made this. Somehow in this hell, they made something so precious. They have kept these precious things safe, somehow.
And she almost fucked it all up.
"We were arguing," she explains finally, words directed at the baby and not at Cassian. "Me and Espi." Arguing the way mothers and daughters do, the way two people with similar personalities do. Jyn was in pain and she should know better but all she wanted was ten minutes peace to herself. "That's why I sent her to find you are the stream. I told her to help you bring back the fish but I just wanted to be alone..."
And in doing so put her eldest daughter in danger, put her entire family in danger, put her husband in danger and he'd nearly died! All because she couldn't handle always needing to be a parent. "I'm so sorry, Cassian."
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He is staring so intently at Avie that he misses Jyn's initial descent into thinking about Espi, but he is quick to pick up on it. He can almost feel the guilt radiating off her, and he isn't having it.
"Stop. This is not your fault." He wants to gather her up tightly in his arms but he can't, so he settles for finding her hand instead and squeezing her fingers. There isn't a single part of him that's going to blame her for this, for arguing with Espi, an occurrence more common than unusual. "It does not matter. We are here now and we are all safe. You sent her to help, and any other time she would have made it to me. We prepared for this. Together."
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