He catches sight of that discomfort for two seconds anyway and feels like he knows what caused it. Later, he'll apologize later, because she's still smiling and they're both still enamored by the tiny infant between them.
"Yes, but you brought her here to us. And then you saved me. Please just let me tell you how amazing you are."
He could and would gush about Jyn any day, but it feels especially pertinent now.
"I'm okay. I can see her perfectly from here."
He wants to stay on the floor and stare at his baby.
Ignores his compliments, but she doesn't interrupt or deny them so technically she is letting him tell her how amazing she is. Even if she doesn't accept it, she's letting him say it.
"You seem perfectly fine, but I'd rather sleep in the bed and it will be a lot easier to move around you when you're not on the floor, babe." She thinks he might be distracted by his new girl so Jyn decides she can easily fix that, scooping the baby into her arms and standing up to move across the basement and tuck her into the cradle before she moves back to her husband, crouching next to him.
"Can you see her perfectly now?"
Sure, he thinks his wife is amazing and wonderful, but he forgot she is amazingly stubborn and wonderfully persistent and now he has no choice but to move if he wants to keep staring at his brand new daughter.
He will take that as a victory, she allowed his compliments, therefore they are true whether she likes it or not. It's probably a good idea to sleep in the bed, but he doesn't even consider it; she is right in that he is far too distracted by the baby.
When she lifts her away, Cassian almost honest to god pouts, twisting his head to watch her move across the room as much as he can. He huffs a little when Jyn comes back into his line of sight.
"You know I cannot." He sighs. "Fine. We can try and get me to the bed."
But he clearly can't do it himself, so he just sort of... shuffles uselessly while he waits for Jyn to help him upright.
Jyn gently maneuvers him in place with murmured instructions, keeping an eye on the state of his bandages as they slowly get him to his feet. Nothing looks incredibly bloody so she takes it as a win, looping her arm carefully around his waist to support him.
"The more selfish reason I want you in bed with me is because I'm still cramping and your massages were always better than mine." She wants her uterus to go back to normal size, but does it have to hurt so much while it happens? The cramps are as bad as the contractions.
Time to shuffle on over to the bed. She knows it's going to take a while for him to get his sea legs and she doesn't push him to go faster than whatever pace he chooses, keeping a careful eye on him as they go.
He trusts her to it, slowly and steadily getting to his feet with minimum pain. It's much better than waking up in a cornbed and crawling his way towards the house. His pace is slow, each step testing how much weight he can put on himself. The left side is stronger than the right, but it sort of feels like more of the injury is on the right side of his back, so at least something makes sense.
But oh no, he shoots Jyn a concerned look, because his wife is still in pain. Like, of course she is, but to hear her say it is always worrisome. "Of course, Jyn, I will do what I can."
He's not sure he'll be able to... sit. The bend might stretch the wounds too much, at least right now, but he can probably do a little bit of a massage laying down if need be. It takes them longer than he'd like to reach the second bed, and Jyn does the same as before, giving careful instructions and helping him settle down on the bed, this time ready to be on his back after reassuring him the pressure would help with the pain.
He was right, it does pinch and hurt the stitched up wounds to curl at the waist, but it's the kind of hurt that only feels temporary. The wounds are high up, by tomorrow he thinks he'll be more mobile. He closes his eyes briefly, exhaling from the effort of moving. He sounds apologetic. "You might have to come in close for it."
It pains Jyn to see him struggle, but she knows he will be more comfortable in bed and the more prone he will be to rest if he's already tucked away in bed. The children can go to him, Mateo still loves taking naps with them when he's able so he especially will take advantage of Cassian's predicament.
A smile flutters on her expression, weak but full of a mirth that is bordering on sarcastic. "What a hardship, being closer to my husband."
She sinks down next to him, making a downright shameful noise of relief at being off her feet again. It wasn't even a particularly painful birth, if she's honest, Espi's was far worse. But it was difficult. She wouldn't use the word harrowing herself, because she's not pretentious, but that is the most apt way to describe it. She's exhausted and they don't have an ice pack for Cassian to hold against her vagina the way he did the last two times and she's really missing ice now.
If he's being honest, he's looking forward to the inevitable cuddle pile when Mateo and Espi all crawl in. The thought alone makes him glad he's climbed into the bed, doubly so when Jyn settles in beside him. She deserves to be off her feet too.
He leans over and kisses her head when she wriggles in close, and he wants to hold her, to smother her in affection, but the most he can do is reach for her hand when she presses in. It's better this way, just laying beside her. No supporting one another upright, no wild chase to get the other to safety. "What would I do without you?"
In reference to today, most obviously, but in general; he doesn't want to imagine any single part of his life without her in it.
"Die alone and unhappy, wanting for purpose and affection." It would be the same for her in any case, and she softens the comment with a brief kiss. She doesn't have the energy for anything else, even though stress and hormones do nothing to stifle the instinctive desire she has for her husband.
Leaning in, she presses her forehead against him, breathing in the familiar scent of him that has surrounded her since they were teenagers. This is where she has always felt safe, at home, alive. Strong. She's always felt she could do anything with Cassian by her side, they were an instant team.
She's still pressed against him when she adds, "If you ever apologize like that to me again, I will make sure you survive so I can kill you myself."
He smiles despite what she says. It's probably mostly true, and besides, she kisses him. He'll never get tired of that. "That sounds about right."
Just like he never gets tired of being beside her. It's been over a decade and she still brings him a strong sense of comfort. Of love. They had each other's backs even before the world completely flipped upside down, and he supposes they've made it so far because of that unconditional support.
If at all possible, his smile deepens at her threat, and he closes his eyes. "Is it too late to take the apology back then?" He kisses her head again, as best he can. "I love you. I told you I still would."
"I was so scared, Cassian." She can't help the tremor in her voice, the weakness as she sort of collapses against her, the rush of everything happening finally getting the best of her now that the children are asleep. Now that Cassian is alive and safe, it all comes out and soon Jyn is sobbing against him, silent without even thinking about it.
She can't lose him, she just can't. She'd never be able to cope without him and, beyond that, she wouldn't be happy.
He's hurt and in pain and Jyn is crying all over him and she feels bad about it, but not enough to get control over herself. She wishes she could have saved this for when everyone was asleep, tucking herself away in a corner to cry in solitude. Alas, here she is.
Oh no. His heart clenches tight in his chest as soon as she starts to speak, doubly so when she burrows in to cry against him. Cassian instantly shifts, stretching the wound in a sort of dull way, but he wraps his arms around his wife and gathers her closer to him. That feels more important.
He wants to apologize again, but she just warned him not to. It's on the tip of his tongue anyway, and he silences it by kissing her hair again.
"I know," he offers instead, and he can feel his own voice start to tremble as the reality of the entire day slowly starts to catch up to him too. He thought he'd lost her earlier, and that had lasted barely a minute after he'd seen the blood bathtub, but it was still the longest minute of his life. He doesn't know how long he'd been in that cornfield, but Jyn thought he was gone much longer. He almost died. He could have. He doesn't want to imagine their lives without one another in any capacity.
He can offer her this comfort too, holding her in with the reminder that they are together and alive. It's better to let all this fear out now.
It's Cassian being there that does finally stop the flow of Jyn's tears, the steady rise and fall of his chest, the warmth radiating off him, the feel of his breath on her skin, the clutch of his fingers holding her tight against him even though she knows he must be so tired and so weak. In sickness and in health, in good times and in bad was never supposed to mean this.
It wasn't supposed to mean a life of silence surrounded by terror and death and fear, it was supposed to be the man flu and lost jobs and body image and fighting about whether or not to teach the children American or Mexican sign language.
Even still. There is no one else she would rather be navigating all these bad times with and she's quiet for a long while with her forehead pressed under his collarbone before she manages to speak again, quiet and soft as usual, but burning with conviction.
"Will you marry me again, Cassian Andor?" A reminder that their tiny, beautiful family can continue to love and life despite their circumstances.
He can feel her settling beside him, the way her breathing slows, the calmness slowly starting to roll over her. They've always been able to help each other that way, simply by existing together. He doesn't want to think about never doing this again, never being beside her. In sickness and in health has really been put to the test, but he likes to think they're succeeding. Not even homicidal aliens have managed to ruin them, even though they're undoubtedly tried. They're winning because they're still the best of teams.
Cassian tilts his head just enough to brush his lips over her hair, squeezing her hand with all the strength he can muster - which isn't a lot, but the effort should be noted.
"I would marry you one thousand times. I would marry you every year, every day, every time you asked. There is no part of me that does not want to be with you forever."
There is a reason they're fighting so hard to keep living, to keep surviving, and it's this little family that keeps growing, it's the love they all have for each other. It's the greatest fuel.
Jyn does genuinely want to marry him again, with all their children present, sharing their love with their family that they made. It's not tenable now, not in this world, and it breaks Jyn's heart a little that they don't have the ability to do something as simple as reaffirming their love in front of other people.
Avie mewls in her little cocoon and automatically, without thinking, Jyn rolls out of bed, wincing slightly as she scoops up their newborn daughter and brings her back to bed with her, settling the tiny baby between them. Avie is satisfied for a few moments, jerking awkwardly as her body continues getting used to being outside of the womb, before she mewls again, mouth opening hungrily and pressing against Cassian like she will find dinner there.
"There's no food that way, y'numpty," Jyn whispers with a soft laugh, even as she slips her arm free of her sweater so she can feed their hungry daughter.
He wants to imagine that one day they can. One day they can have another little ceremony with their babies, with an officiator who speaks sign language. He just wants to... celebrate with their family, with friends and more and just live normally. He wants Avie to experience that, but unlike their other children, she's going to not know what life was like before.
Cassian misses Jyn as soon as she rolls out of bed, but he's not about to complain when he realizes where she's going. The second his baby is lowered between them, he's back to staring at her tiny perfect face. She's just... so little. He knows newborns are little, he has two children already, but it never stops being a little awing.
The baby turns towards him in hunger, and Cassian only laughs, feeling very quickly like he's on the verge of tears again. It's broken when Jyn speaks, but of course she calls their daughter a numpty. He loves her. "I would if I could, Avie my love. She is so beautiful, Jyn."
"She looks like Espi." Their first, the girl that taught Jyn to parent and how to love herself finally because if she couldn't love herself how could she teach a little girl to love herself?
Their newest baby girl does look like her sister: same round head, same solemn little mouth making her look very serious, same dark hair and long eyelashes all of the children had inherited. Jyn's eyes, Cassian's dimple.
She settles Avie in to nurse, freeing her from her swaddled prison so her arms can flail about, one of of them jerking back to hit Cassian in the chest. They made this. Somehow in this hell, they made something so precious. They have kept these precious things safe, somehow.
And she almost fucked it all up.
"We were arguing," she explains finally, words directed at the baby and not at Cassian. "Me and Espi." Arguing the way mothers and daughters do, the way two people with similar personalities do. Jyn was in pain and she should know better but all she wanted was ten minutes peace to herself. "That's why I sent her to find you are the stream. I told her to help you bring back the fish but I just wanted to be alone..."
And in doing so put her eldest daughter in danger, put her entire family in danger, put her husband in danger and he'd nearly died! All because she couldn't handle always needing to be a parent. "I'm so sorry, Cassian."
She looks very much like Espi as a baby, save for the eyes. Not a clone, there are little differences, but Cassian can see it so clearly it's almost awing. They have three children and each one is just as spectacular as the rest, but each one shares bits and pieces of each other, of both their parents. She smacks him in the chest and it's the best thing that's happened to him today, her tiny little fingers curled up, her face scrunching up like she's trying to figure out how she feels about making a fist.
He is staring so intently at Avie that he misses Jyn's initial descent into thinking about Espi, but he is quick to pick up on it. He can almost feel the guilt radiating off her, and he isn't having it.
"Stop. This is not your fault." He wants to gather her up tightly in his arms but he can't, so he settles for finding her hand instead and squeezing her fingers. There isn't a single part of him that's going to blame her for this, for arguing with Espi, an occurrence more common than unusual. "It does not matter. We are here now and we are all safe. You sent her to help, and any other time she would have made it to me. We prepared for this. Together."
He could have died and it would have been Jyn's fault. It's always been so easy for her to internalize guilt for everything, but this is huge. She'd put all of their lives at risk, she'd almost lost her entire family because she'd been in a foul mood and wanted peace and quiet amongst the silence.
She shoves the urge to cry away, knowing it will only set off the baby and unwilling to part with her if she doesn't have to, but it's there in the way she trembles against Cassian, clutches his hand with desperation.
He fully expected to die the second he realized the only way for Espi and Mateo to get to the barn safely was a loud enough sound, but their life like this isn't Jyn's fault. There's always a chance of dying. There's a reason they had to create such an elaborate plan to Avie's birth, one that kept the safety of four people in consideration.
Cassian squeezes his wife's hand. He loves her so much, and there isn't an ounce of blame in him for his near death experience.
"The plan was always for them to go to the silo when it came time for her to be born. I would have gone to get them after regardless of what happened first. These creatures... they are the reason for what happened today. Not you."
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ohnofeelstho2018-04-12 11:54 pm
no subject
"Yes, but you brought her here to us. And then you saved me. Please just let me tell you how amazing you are."
He could and would gush about Jyn any day, but it feels especially pertinent now.
"I'm okay. I can see her perfectly from here."
He wants to stay on the floor and stare at his baby.
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"You seem perfectly fine, but I'd rather sleep in the bed and it will be a lot easier to move around you when you're not on the floor, babe." She thinks he might be distracted by his new girl so Jyn decides she can easily fix that, scooping the baby into her arms and standing up to move across the basement and tuck her into the cradle before she moves back to her husband, crouching next to him.
"Can you see her perfectly now?"
Sure, he thinks his wife is amazing and wonderful, but he forgot she is amazingly stubborn and wonderfully persistent and now he has no choice but to move if he wants to keep staring at his brand new daughter.
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When she lifts her away, Cassian almost honest to god pouts, twisting his head to watch her move across the room as much as he can. He huffs a little when Jyn comes back into his line of sight.
"You know I cannot." He sighs. "Fine. We can try and get me to the bed."
But he clearly can't do it himself, so he just sort of... shuffles uselessly while he waits for Jyn to help him upright.
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"The more selfish reason I want you in bed with me is because I'm still cramping and your massages were always better than mine." She wants her uterus to go back to normal size, but does it have to hurt so much while it happens? The cramps are as bad as the contractions.
Time to shuffle on over to the bed. She knows it's going to take a while for him to get his sea legs and she doesn't push him to go faster than whatever pace he chooses, keeping a careful eye on him as they go.
no subject
But oh no, he shoots Jyn a concerned look, because his wife is still in pain. Like, of course she is, but to hear her say it is always worrisome. "Of course, Jyn, I will do what I can."
He's not sure he'll be able to... sit. The bend might stretch the wounds too much, at least right now, but he can probably do a little bit of a massage laying down if need be. It takes them longer than he'd like to reach the second bed, and Jyn does the same as before, giving careful instructions and helping him settle down on the bed, this time ready to be on his back after reassuring him the pressure would help with the pain.
He was right, it does pinch and hurt the stitched up wounds to curl at the waist, but it's the kind of hurt that only feels temporary. The wounds are high up, by tomorrow he thinks he'll be more mobile. He closes his eyes briefly, exhaling from the effort of moving. He sounds apologetic. "You might have to come in close for it."
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A smile flutters on her expression, weak but full of a mirth that is bordering on sarcastic. "What a hardship, being closer to my husband."
She sinks down next to him, making a downright shameful noise of relief at being off her feet again. It wasn't even a particularly painful birth, if she's honest, Espi's was far worse. But it was difficult. She wouldn't use the word harrowing herself, because she's not pretentious, but that is the most apt way to describe it. She's exhausted and they don't have an ice pack for Cassian to hold against her vagina the way he did the last two times and she's really missing ice now.
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He leans over and kisses her head when she wriggles in close, and he wants to hold her, to smother her in affection, but the most he can do is reach for her hand when she presses in. It's better this way, just laying beside her. No supporting one another upright, no wild chase to get the other to safety. "What would I do without you?"
In reference to today, most obviously, but in general; he doesn't want to imagine any single part of his life without her in it.
no subject
Leaning in, she presses her forehead against him, breathing in the familiar scent of him that has surrounded her since they were teenagers. This is where she has always felt safe, at home, alive. Strong. She's always felt she could do anything with Cassian by her side, they were an instant team.
She's still pressed against him when she adds, "If you ever apologize like that to me again, I will make sure you survive so I can kill you myself."
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Just like he never gets tired of being beside her. It's been over a decade and she still brings him a strong sense of comfort. Of love. They had each other's backs even before the world completely flipped upside down, and he supposes they've made it so far because of that unconditional support.
If at all possible, his smile deepens at her threat, and he closes his eyes. "Is it too late to take the apology back then?" He kisses her head again, as best he can. "I love you. I told you I still would."
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She can't lose him, she just can't. She'd never be able to cope without him and, beyond that, she wouldn't be happy.
He's hurt and in pain and Jyn is crying all over him and she feels bad about it, but not enough to get control over herself. She wishes she could have saved this for when everyone was asleep, tucking herself away in a corner to cry in solitude. Alas, here she is.
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He wants to apologize again, but she just warned him not to. It's on the tip of his tongue anyway, and he silences it by kissing her hair again.
"I know," he offers instead, and he can feel his own voice start to tremble as the reality of the entire day slowly starts to catch up to him too. He thought he'd lost her earlier, and that had lasted barely a minute after he'd seen the blood bathtub, but it was still the longest minute of his life. He doesn't know how long he'd been in that cornfield, but Jyn thought he was gone much longer. He almost died. He could have. He doesn't want to imagine their lives without one another in any capacity.
He can offer her this comfort too, holding her in with the reminder that they are together and alive. It's better to let all this fear out now.
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It wasn't supposed to mean a life of silence surrounded by terror and death and fear, it was supposed to be the man flu and lost jobs and body image and fighting about whether or not to teach the children American or Mexican sign language.
Even still. There is no one else she would rather be navigating all these bad times with and she's quiet for a long while with her forehead pressed under his collarbone before she manages to speak again, quiet and soft as usual, but burning with conviction.
"Will you marry me again, Cassian Andor?" A reminder that their tiny, beautiful family can continue to love and life despite their circumstances.
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Cassian tilts his head just enough to brush his lips over her hair, squeezing her hand with all the strength he can muster - which isn't a lot, but the effort should be noted.
"I would marry you one thousand times. I would marry you every year, every day, every time you asked. There is no part of me that does not want to be with you forever."
There is a reason they're fighting so hard to keep living, to keep surviving, and it's this little family that keeps growing, it's the love they all have for each other. It's the greatest fuel.
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Avie mewls in her little cocoon and automatically, without thinking, Jyn rolls out of bed, wincing slightly as she scoops up their newborn daughter and brings her back to bed with her, settling the tiny baby between them. Avie is satisfied for a few moments, jerking awkwardly as her body continues getting used to being outside of the womb, before she mewls again, mouth opening hungrily and pressing against Cassian like she will find dinner there.
"There's no food that way, y'numpty," Jyn whispers with a soft laugh, even as she slips her arm free of her sweater so she can feed their hungry daughter.
no subject
Cassian misses Jyn as soon as she rolls out of bed, but he's not about to complain when he realizes where she's going. The second his baby is lowered between them, he's back to staring at her tiny perfect face. She's just... so little. He knows newborns are little, he has two children already, but it never stops being a little awing.
The baby turns towards him in hunger, and Cassian only laughs, feeling very quickly like he's on the verge of tears again. It's broken when Jyn speaks, but of course she calls their daughter a numpty. He loves her. "I would if I could, Avie my love. She is so beautiful, Jyn."
no subject
Their newest baby girl does look like her sister: same round head, same solemn little mouth making her look very serious, same dark hair and long eyelashes all of the children had inherited. Jyn's eyes, Cassian's dimple.
She settles Avie in to nurse, freeing her from her swaddled prison so her arms can flail about, one of of them jerking back to hit Cassian in the chest. They made this. Somehow in this hell, they made something so precious. They have kept these precious things safe, somehow.
And she almost fucked it all up.
"We were arguing," she explains finally, words directed at the baby and not at Cassian. "Me and Espi." Arguing the way mothers and daughters do, the way two people with similar personalities do. Jyn was in pain and she should know better but all she wanted was ten minutes peace to herself. "That's why I sent her to find you are the stream. I told her to help you bring back the fish but I just wanted to be alone..."
And in doing so put her eldest daughter in danger, put her entire family in danger, put her husband in danger and he'd nearly died! All because she couldn't handle always needing to be a parent. "I'm so sorry, Cassian."
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He is staring so intently at Avie that he misses Jyn's initial descent into thinking about Espi, but he is quick to pick up on it. He can almost feel the guilt radiating off her, and he isn't having it.
"Stop. This is not your fault." He wants to gather her up tightly in his arms but he can't, so he settles for finding her hand instead and squeezing her fingers. There isn't a single part of him that's going to blame her for this, for arguing with Espi, an occurrence more common than unusual. "It does not matter. We are here now and we are all safe. You sent her to help, and any other time she would have made it to me. We prepared for this. Together."
no subject
He could have died and it would have been Jyn's fault. It's always been so easy for her to internalize guilt for everything, but this is huge. She'd put all of their lives at risk, she'd almost lost her entire family because she'd been in a foul mood and wanted peace and quiet amongst the silence.
She shoves the urge to cry away, knowing it will only set off the baby and unwilling to part with her if she doesn't have to, but it's there in the way she trembles against Cassian, clutches his hand with desperation.
Avie continues to nurse, ambivalent.
no subject
He fully expected to die the second he realized the only way for Espi and Mateo to get to the barn safely was a loud enough sound, but their life like this isn't Jyn's fault. There's always a chance of dying. There's a reason they had to create such an elaborate plan to Avie's birth, one that kept the safety of four people in consideration.
Cassian squeezes his wife's hand. He loves her so much, and there isn't an ounce of blame in him for his near death experience.
"The plan was always for them to go to the silo when it came time for her to be born. I would have gone to get them after regardless of what happened first. These creatures... they are the reason for what happened today. Not you."