He squeezes her hand because she's known essentially the whole week and hadn't said a word, had kept it to herself. Had sat on it and probably overthought everything. He doesn't blame her for keeping it quiet, but he worries after how she's been.
"I don't really think either of us were planning for it." They are easily the most vocal proponents of safe sex because apparently that's what happens when you're in the medical profession and not an asshole. They're so careful, and he knows it never comes without risk, but there is something hilariously ironic about this sort of accident befalling them.
They have definitely not talked about it though. If Cassian's honest, he's never even thought about it. He pulls her hand to his mouth and kisses her knuckles softly. "I'm sorry you were carrying this by yourself for a week."
She shakes her head, squeezing his hand. "I wanted us to have a good week, a relaxing week with no worries." No work stress, no home stress, no stress at all, just fun in the sun and sunscreen. She wanted it to be fun enough to coax him back for another couple of weeks at the end of summer.
She could have told him earlier, she didn't have to carry it around with her.
"I suppose we should talk about it now-- do you want to take a walk?" She gestures to the beach, the soft sand she'd usually be running across if her chest wasn't so sore lately. That is a symptom she would like to lose quickly.
"But you have probably been worrying." She hid it very well. Maybe she wasn't as worried as he thinks? He feels... bad, a little, that he had been enjoying himself so completely in the dark about it, while it hovered and followed her all week. He squeezes her hand back anyway.
He nods at her suggestion that they should talk. He's kind of scared to talk, even though he still has no idea what else to say. He doesn't really care where they go, but the beach is a good choice. The sand is warm, the water is calming. Maybe it'll soothe both their nerves. "Whatever you want. A walk is nice."
Jyn unfolds from the swing, stepping off and using her hand in his to pull him with her. She loves this house, she loves their beach, she loves sharing it with Cassian, even if this is all very scary right now. She leads them both down the steps and on to the sand, mentally counting back to the last time she applied sunscreen. Eh, she'll be fine. Her face will be fine at least, she shoulders maybe not.
"I'd say this isn't how I pictured it, but honestly I never pictured it. So none of this is-- I didn't have a plan for any of this." She didn't really have a plan for anything except going back on the vaccine mission again, everything else had always been sort of winging it.
He follows her easily off the chair and off the porch, kicking his shoes off before they step onto the sand. He feels like he should say something, anything, but he's still at a loss, and it's a weird place for him to be in, because he's usually so good with words.
They haven't talked about it. It seemed like a later step, maybe one to come up when they discussed any sort of long term plans together, but they've never even talked about moving in, despite dating for a couple years now.
"I never pictured it either." At least they're on the same page there. "I have never even... thought much about children. Not more than in passing, mostly after Poe was born."
He squeezes her hand. "I assumed we would talk about it eventually, but."
"I didn't think eventually would be here so soon either." She squeezes his hand, uncertainty rolling off her in waves. She's pregnant and no one was expecting it and no one prepared for it, but here they are.
"Honestly I wait until today to tell you in case..." She shrugs, letting the rest of the sentence go unsaid. In case it was a deal breaker and he decided he wants out. She thought that was fair, giving him a good week to end it on a high note. She doesn't really think he'll break up with her, but.
Cassian squeezes her hand back immediately, then pulls it up to kiss her knuckles again. "In case nothing. I don't - I am not going anywhere."
It honestly hadn't occurred to him. He loves Jyn. He thinks he's been in it for the long haul for a while. Whatever comes of this, he doesn't want to leave. He understands immediately why she waited, and he wants to reassure her into forever.
He drops their hands down, keeping their fingers wound, but he moves himself closer as they walk. He doesn't know what to do either, and it's not even his body. "Did you ever... want children? In general."
"I never thought about it," Jyn admits. "I mean, I've thought about it, obviously, I'm a female pediatrician, mums ask me all the time. But there was never anyone so it was irrelevant. I don't know if I ever wanted kids, I like my life."
But that was before Cassian. That was before it was her and Cassian and now she doesn't know how she feels anymore. There's definitely something like a relieved feeling, knowing it's Cassian because she feels capable when she is with Cassian. She feels like she could do it and maybe do it not badly, with him.
"I did not ever think I wanted kids, when I was younger. But I had a plan, you know? Kids did not factor into it." He smiles a little. "Then my sister had Poe. He is... the best. It turned into a maybe. In some far off future, if my partner wanted them, I would think about it more seriously."
Not that he's ever really had anyone either, so it's never come up. But he is very serious about Jyn. Even if they don't live together, even if they've never talked about things in the very long term, Cassian knows he wants to be with her for the rest of his life.
"I like my life too. And I like it more with you in it. That's what is important to me." He squeezes her hand again. "It's okay, if you still don't want them."
"Poe is... wonderful, yeah," Jyn agrees, hedging for a moment while she gathers her thoughts. She's silent for a long stretch of beach before she pauses, looking up at him with an expression somehow soft and serious at the same time.
"Poe is great, but you are ridiculously handsome and I am frighteningly adorable so our baby is going to break the mold."
Everyone says that about their child -- she knows that more than anyone -- but damn. A tiny Cassian, down to the dimples... She pushes out a deep breath.
"I'm fucking terrified, but if we can't do it with our obnoxious, overbearing families, than no one can and since loads of people successfully have kids that means we must be capable of it. So. Yeah. Yeah, good talk."
He blinks and pauses, but they're still holding hands so he shuffles along again quickly because she doesn't stop walking. She can't be trying to end the conversation with that. He knows she is, but it feels like a weird whiplash.
"Good - good talk?" What?? This was not much of an actual talk, Jyn! She can't possibly be trying to end the conversation, because she's implying that she maybe wants a baby and that's that, but she should know by now that Cassian has a Thing with being direct.
"Does that mean you do want to keep it?" She just said she didn't know if she ever wanted kids, and now she's talking about their families and a baby! It is typical Jyn, but this is the one time he can't let it slide.
"Yeah, I guess. Maybe." She puffs out a little breath, screwing up her face. "If you ever bring up what I'm about to say again I'll break up with you but..."
Her shoulders slump in a sigh, defeated. "When I'm with you, I feel like... like I can do anything. Even if it's not easy, even if it sounds impossible, everything feels possible, with you."
Defeated by sentimentality.
"Look I love you and I'm never gonna stop and can't imagine this ending so if it's gonna happen eventually, why not now? I mean your mum's gonna hate me for defiling her precious first born and it can be baptised because I don't give a shit and we have all the resources and support and hand me downs and. Your mum and my mum have been planning our wedding since the day they met, which was a big mistake on our parts, but neither of us stopped them because we both know, or at least I know, that this isn't gonna end, us. And we're idiots, we'd put it off trying to find the right time and then we'd be sixty and the right time would have passed thirty years ago. I like us, I like our team, but maybe it is time to add a new player." She chews on her lip, wondering how working through it out loud just completely convinced her. Does talking work???? No, it must be a fluke.
It is definitely not a real threat considering what follows - an actual, real life sappy confession that she wants to stay with him forever - but Cassian always hoards Jyn's sentimentality for himself.
Instead of responding with any words, he kisses her first. It's soft but enthusiastic anyway.
"I love you too, and I think you just talked yourself into it." Talking is good! Sometimes. He smiles at her and brushes some of the hair from her face. "To start, my mama is not going to hate you."
Carina already adores Jyn. His mother has also realized Jyn is like a skittish cat, so she has been slower with affection.
"Maybe this is our right time. No one else is allowed to decide but us anyway. You are it for me, Jyn. I feel like we can do anything too, as long as we are together. You are my family. There's no reason we cannot... make it bigger." His smile turns a little quieter. "There is no one else I would want to have a child with."
"So... we're doing it." She swallows, but finds she doesn't feel particularly nervous. Maybe it's because it hasn't really sunk in or maybe it is simply that she meant what she said: everything feels possible with Cassian.
They've been together for over a year, their parents like each other and hang out without their children, Poe calls Jyn his Tia, their lives are already twisted and looped and knotted together, they have family parties and both families are there... it won't be difficult to add one more place setting, to tuck in one little baby to all that love and care.
"Me and you. We're having a baby. Or maybe a velociraptor, I dunno."
Cassian feels a little nervous, but also... calm. Steady. Being with Jyn always keeps him grounded. The idea of being a father is honestly terrifying, but doing it with Jyn feels less scary.
"You know even better than I do what all of it will entail for you. If you are ready, I am too."
Shara was with Kes for a longer time before they had Poe, but she always told him - when you know, you know. His own parents were barely together a year before they got married. He loves Jyn. His family loves her, and he loves hers in return. That's enough. Maybe this baby wasn't planned, but it doesn't mean that's a bad thing.
He squeezes her hands. "Forgive me if I am hoping for a baby and not a dinosaur."
Look, Jyn's parents were together for six months before they were married and adopting Bodhi so this is par for the course of maybe badly thought out decisions but Cassian has her back and that's all that matters. He's going to be a great dad and she's going to try very hard to be a great mom and their kid is going to be spoiled with all the love and affection it deserves.
"Well, that means we will have a baby and not a dinosaur with us on our next vaccine trip." Next summer, when their baby will be something of an infant still because Jyn is not going to stop their wanderlust way just because they have to pack extra diapers.
She looks up at him, chin resting on his chest. "I love you. Thank you for loving me, too."
"You still want to go next summer?" Of course she does, it absolutely doesn't surprise him, but he can't help but ask anyway. She was a very mobile baby, it stands to reason her own child would follow suit. Even just that brief little comment, the complete matter-of-fact way she notes it - it just reminds him how stubborn she is and how she won't let anything stop her from doing what she wants.
It's something he always admired about her, from day one.
Cassian smiles down at her, then lets go of her hands if only so he can wrap his arms comfortably around her. There's no way he wouldn't want to hold her after all this. "I love you too. And I am going to love wherever our life together takes us, baby and all."
"Of course I do. Those babies need to be vaccinated and we are the best equipped to do so." And their own baby will be vaccinated so he/she/it will be just a safe as they were. She knows Cassian wants to help them as much as she does, so she doesn't expect much push back as long as their baby is strong and healthy.
When his arms curl around her, her arms loop around his waist, sinking happily against him. It's so important to her that he loves and supports her and she feels a swell of affection for this brave, kind man.
"Come on, Captain. Let's go swimming before your romanticism makes me cry."
"Our first vacation as a family of three, huh?" He's not going to try to talk her out of it, he doesn't even want to. If it's something they're capable of, baby matters and all, Cassian is not opposed to it. The original trip brought them together in the first place.
He relaxes in her arms, kissing the top of her head. He loves Jyn implicitly and deeply, and for something so seemingly life-changing as a baby, he feels grounded beside her. He always does. "At least the salt would mesh together well."
At least she acknowledged his romanticism isn't going anywhere, especially now. With one more brief kiss, he tugs her towards the water and smiles softly the whole way.
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ohnofeelstho2017-06-26 08:50 pm
no subject
"I don't really think either of us were planning for it." They are easily the most vocal proponents of safe sex because apparently that's what happens when you're in the medical profession and not an asshole. They're so careful, and he knows it never comes without risk, but there is something hilariously ironic about this sort of accident befalling them.
They have definitely not talked about it though. If Cassian's honest, he's never even thought about it. He pulls her hand to his mouth and kisses her knuckles softly. "I'm sorry you were carrying this by yourself for a week."
no subject
She could have told him earlier, she didn't have to carry it around with her.
"I suppose we should talk about it now-- do you want to take a walk?" She gestures to the beach, the soft sand she'd usually be running across if her chest wasn't so sore lately. That is a symptom she would like to lose quickly.
no subject
He nods at her suggestion that they should talk. He's kind of scared to talk, even though he still has no idea what else to say. He doesn't really care where they go, but the beach is a good choice. The sand is warm, the water is calming. Maybe it'll soothe both their nerves. "Whatever you want. A walk is nice."
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"I'd say this isn't how I pictured it, but honestly I never pictured it. So none of this is-- I didn't have a plan for any of this." She didn't really have a plan for anything except going back on the vaccine mission again, everything else had always been sort of winging it.
"We've never talked about this."
no subject
They haven't talked about it. It seemed like a later step, maybe one to come up when they discussed any sort of long term plans together, but they've never even talked about moving in, despite dating for a couple years now.
"I never pictured it either." At least they're on the same page there. "I have never even... thought much about children. Not more than in passing, mostly after Poe was born."
He squeezes her hand. "I assumed we would talk about it eventually, but."
But oops.
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"Honestly I wait until today to tell you in case..." She shrugs, letting the rest of the sentence go unsaid. In case it was a deal breaker and he decided he wants out. She thought that was fair, giving him a good week to end it on a high note. She doesn't really think he'll break up with her, but.
Just in case.
"I don't know what to do."
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It honestly hadn't occurred to him. He loves Jyn. He thinks he's been in it for the long haul for a while. Whatever comes of this, he doesn't want to leave. He understands immediately why she waited, and he wants to reassure her into forever.
He drops their hands down, keeping their fingers wound, but he moves himself closer as they walk. He doesn't know what to do either, and it's not even his body. "Did you ever... want children? In general."
no subject
But that was before Cassian. That was before it was her and Cassian and now she doesn't know how she feels anymore. There's definitely something like a relieved feeling, knowing it's Cassian because she feels capable when she is with Cassian. She feels like she could do it and maybe do it not badly, with him.
But maybe now isn't the time.
no subject
Not that he's ever really had anyone either, so it's never come up. But he is very serious about Jyn. Even if they don't live together, even if they've never talked about things in the very long term, Cassian knows he wants to be with her for the rest of his life.
"I like my life too. And I like it more with you in it. That's what is important to me." He squeezes her hand again. "It's okay, if you still don't want them."
no subject
"Poe is great, but you are ridiculously handsome and I am frighteningly adorable so our baby is going to break the mold."
Everyone says that about their child -- she knows that more than anyone -- but damn. A tiny Cassian, down to the dimples... She pushes out a deep breath.
"I'm fucking terrified, but if we can't do it with our obnoxious, overbearing families, than no one can and since loads of people successfully have kids that means we must be capable of it. So. Yeah. Yeah, good talk."
no subject
"Good - good talk?" What?? This was not much of an actual talk, Jyn! She can't possibly be trying to end the conversation, because she's implying that she maybe wants a baby and that's that, but she should know by now that Cassian has a Thing with being direct.
"Does that mean you do want to keep it?" She just said she didn't know if she ever wanted kids, and now she's talking about their families and a baby! It is typical Jyn, but this is the one time he can't let it slide.
no subject
Her shoulders slump in a sigh, defeated. "When I'm with you, I feel like... like I can do anything. Even if it's not easy, even if it sounds impossible, everything feels possible, with you."
Defeated by sentimentality.
"Look I love you and I'm never gonna stop and can't imagine this ending so if it's gonna happen eventually, why not now? I mean your mum's gonna hate me for defiling her precious first born and it can be baptised because I don't give a shit and we have all the resources and support and hand me downs and. Your mum and my mum have been planning our wedding since the day they met, which was a big mistake on our parts, but neither of us stopped them because we both know, or at least I know, that this isn't gonna end, us. And we're idiots, we'd put it off trying to find the right time and then we'd be sixty and the right time would have passed thirty years ago. I like us, I like our team, but maybe it is time to add a new player." She chews on her lip, wondering how working through it out loud just completely convinced her. Does talking work???? No, it must be a fluke.
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Instead of responding with any words, he kisses her first. It's soft but enthusiastic anyway.
"I love you too, and I think you just talked yourself into it." Talking is good! Sometimes. He smiles at her and brushes some of the hair from her face. "To start, my mama is not going to hate you."
Carina already adores Jyn. His mother has also realized Jyn is like a skittish cat, so she has been slower with affection.
"Maybe this is our right time. No one else is allowed to decide but us anyway. You are it for me, Jyn. I feel like we can do anything too, as long as we are together. You are my family. There's no reason we cannot... make it bigger." His smile turns a little quieter. "There is no one else I would want to have a child with."
no subject
They've been together for over a year, their parents like each other and hang out without their children, Poe calls Jyn his Tia, their lives are already twisted and looped and knotted together, they have family parties and both families are there... it won't be difficult to add one more place setting, to tuck in one little baby to all that love and care.
"Me and you. We're having a baby. Or maybe a velociraptor, I dunno."
no subject
"You know even better than I do what all of it will entail for you. If you are ready, I am too."
Shara was with Kes for a longer time before they had Poe, but she always told him - when you know, you know. His own parents were barely together a year before they got married. He loves Jyn. His family loves her, and he loves hers in return. That's enough. Maybe this baby wasn't planned, but it doesn't mean that's a bad thing.
He squeezes her hands. "Forgive me if I am hoping for a baby and not a dinosaur."
no subject
"Well, that means we will have a baby and not a dinosaur with us on our next vaccine trip." Next summer, when their baby will be something of an infant still because Jyn is not going to stop their wanderlust way just because they have to pack extra diapers.
She looks up at him, chin resting on his chest. "I love you. Thank you for loving me, too."
no subject
It's something he always admired about her, from day one.
Cassian smiles down at her, then lets go of her hands if only so he can wrap his arms comfortably around her. There's no way he wouldn't want to hold her after all this. "I love you too. And I am going to love wherever our life together takes us, baby and all."
no subject
When his arms curl around her, her arms loop around his waist, sinking happily against him. It's so important to her that he loves and supports her and she feels a swell of affection for this brave, kind man.
"Come on, Captain. Let's go swimming before your romanticism makes me cry."
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He relaxes in her arms, kissing the top of her head. He loves Jyn implicitly and deeply, and for something so seemingly life-changing as a baby, he feels grounded beside her. He always does. "At least the salt would mesh together well."
At least she acknowledged his romanticism isn't going anywhere, especially now. With one more brief kiss, he tugs her towards the water and smiles softly the whole way.
no subject