He hefts her up onto the washing machine like she weighs nothing and it is the strangest boost to her self esteem. She doesn't actually care about her own looks for the most part, but the changes in her body had affected her more than she expected.
And Cassian doesn't give a single fuck.
It doesn't last especially long, and while Jyn manages to keep quiet enough to keep from waking up their precious baby, there's something open about the little noises she makes this time. She clings to Cassian, feeling overwhelmed by the sensations. Not to mention the feelings. Sex has always meant nothing, a means to an end, a way to scratch an itch. This time... the love and affection is nearly too much and she feels tears pricking at her eyes. This man is the father of her precious daughter, her closest friend, she loves him.
And more than that, he loves her.
She's breathing hard as she leans against him, trying the wrangle the onslaught of emotions so she doesn't cry like an idiot, but the tears are already leaking down her cheeks as her forehead presses against his chest.
He does not last long. He tries! But she was right, and they're both too wired on tension to do much more about it. He sighs and mumbles endearments into her neck, and it's quieter this time, which isn't a surprise given their third housemate.
But he loves her. A lot of the rush is scratching that physical itch, but it's different now. She's not just on this mission with him, she's his life. She and Rey are his whole world, outside any alliance based jurisdictions. His grip on her isn't rough or angry; it's maybe a little possessive, but it's softer somehow. Everything is more now.
Cassian plants a lingering kiss on her shoulder when it's over, then another at the top of her head. It's only then that he notices there's something slightly... off.
He pulls his head back just enough to glance at her face, catching sight of the wetness on her cheeks even though she's burrowing against him. "Jyn?" There's worry in his tone, one of his hands slipping up to cradle her cheek and gently try to tilt her head. He swallows back panic, keeping it firmly at the concern level!! There is crying! What if he hurt her? "What's wrong? Did I - did it - are you okay?"
She shakes her head immediately, trying to force back the tears so she can explain herself and assuage his obvious fears. She's fine! She's perfectly fine!
"I'm okay, it's..." Her chin tips up slowly and she knows she must look like a mess. Lips swollen from kissing, cheeks flushed from exertion, eyes and nose red from the tears that have left tracks of eyeliner down her cheeks. She probably doesn't look okay or fine, but she's still struggling to get herself together enough to explain.
She doesn't even know if she can explain.
"I'm more broken pieces than whole and you're the glue." They're the glue, this is the glue, keeping her together and whole and she knows it doesn't make sense but sometimes it hits her so hard that their broken pieces stitch together like a mosaic. She shouldn't be allowed something that makes her feel this whole, this real, like she matters. And yet here is this man who inexplicably loves her for some reason and their tiny, wonderful family fits.
She does look like a mess, for so many different reasons, and he doesn't know the best thing he can do to help. He brushes his thumb over her cheek, patient and listening while she sorts out what she wants to say.
He lets out a little laugh, kind of watery as his own feelings suddenly swarm up to the surface to match hers. You're the glue she says, and he thinks it must be the opposite. He feels whole with her, she reminds him that maybe he does have a chance to have a real family with people who love him.
"Maybe we were just each other's missing piece." He kisses her forehead and lingers for a moment. She's overwhelmed, but it's more of a... happy thing. Cassian didn't think it was possibly to be overwhelmed in a good way, and he really hopes that's the case. "I love you," he says quietly, and he's never said that to her after sex, or said it to anyone after sex really. "And all of our pieces together."
And that is it: she's too hormonal and emotional to hold on to the last shreds of her control and she smiles, beams at him, before her expression crumples into tears again and she curls her arms around his neck, crying against his chest.
She didn't know it was possible to be crying from sheer joy, but here she is, perched on the washer and doing just that.
"I love you so much, Cassian, I feel like I'm going to burst from it." It's muffled and sniffly, but it's clear. She has no idea how to cope with happiness. And isn't that the saddest thing in the galaxy. "I don't... I don't know how to, I'm happy and I don't know how to be that?"
He catches sight of her smile and it's one of the most beautiful things he's ever seen. The moment she collapses against him, his arms slide around her and he shuffles in close, tugging her neatly into his arms without pulling her off the washing machine.
She's definitely crying, but it seems like a good crying? She's snotty and weeping but she's happy; she tells him so.
Cassian kisses her hair and his own nerves seem to come alive too. "I do not know how to be happy either," he admits. It's a comfort to say so aloud, because they're in this together. "We are figuring out everything else along the way, maybe we can figure out how to be happy too. How to just... let ourselves be happy. I did not want to let myself be happy, not until you. It's overwhelming and it is scary, but I have you. You have me. Our happiness just has to look like - like whatever we want it to. I think."
She nods a little against his chest, staying burrowed there until she feels the tears start to subside. She is so happy with him, nothing else in her life has ever made her feel this settled and safe and whole, like she'd learned how to fill in all the cracks and holes in her heart with his help and affection.
Lifting her head, looking at him with all that love and happiness that is threatening to make her cry again. "Whatever we want it to? So it can look like two disasters and the sweetest baby in the universe?"
He rubs his hand over her back, quiet and gentle ministrations while she cries against his chest. She can stay there as long as she needs or wants, and Cassian will continue to hold her.
He lets out the tiniest laugh; it's not an inaccurate description in any way. "Yes," he agrees, looking back at her with the same kind of love. He feels like he's going to burst from it. "I think it can look exactly like that. And if it changes, that is okay too. We are learning. Even if we are scared, I do not think it takes away from being happy. I will be a disaster with you for the rest of my life."
"That's actually really romantic," she admits, definitely feeling like she's going to cry again. He's just so good to her and maybe neither of them deserve it, but Force, maybe they do and all she wants is Cassian. Her life with Cassian and Rey is every single thing she wants.
Anything else is just confetti.
"I'm holding you to that. For the rest of our lives, me and you."
"See? I am already learning how to be more romantic with you." He hadn't necessarily been trying, the words just tumbled out of him naturally. He wants to be good for Jyn, he wants her to feel good and not just through something like sex. He wants being with her and marrying her for real to be a good life. As long as she's in it with him with their tiny baby, he thinks they already managed to carve out something good for themselves in the universe.
"I like the sound of that very much. Every day we can grow and shape that happiness a little bit more, into whatever we need it to be."
And that's something very appealing - getting to create a happy life in any form they want.
"I don't think that line would work on anyone else." But the two of them? They're both fucked up enough to be disasters with each other. That promise would only be romantic for the two of them.
Her mouth opens and shuts. Opens again, shuts again.
"Cassian, do you still think I'm... not rubbish to look at? After everything." After pregnancy and childbirth and a needy baby and depression leaving her no energy to work out and maintain the svelte, toned body she used to have. Cassian is still a fucking babe and she's... lumpy.
"I do not need it to work on anyone else." If it works on her, he's all set. No one else matters that way, no one else he wants to be romantic with.
Oh. There it is. That's why she refused him pulling her shirt off. He knows her body is not the same, hasn't snapped back to what it was pre childbirth, but it hasn't occurred to him that she is any less attractive. He watches her constantly, moreso now that he feels like he's allowed to, now that they've acknowledge their feelings.
Very gently he frees his arms from around her, if only so he can cradle her face in his hands. "There is no one more beautiful to me than you. When I wake up in the morning to you right beside me, I am always surprised at how lucky I am."
Her mouth turns down in a frown and the tears well up again, even as she hears a small plaintive cry from across the house. Rey was awake again and Cassian called her beautiful and everything is perfect.
It's messy and strange and a disaster, but it's perfect.
"I'm still glad that it is you that I'm here with." She'd said that before, before they were anything more than unhappy partners, and it still rings true when they are happy partners. Cassian was the reason all of this was manageable and then okay and then perfect. "Can you pass me my underwear?"
She looks like she might start crying again, and he runs his thumb gently over her cheek, knowing this little moment is going to end very soon thanks to their daughter's little pleas for attention.
"Me too. I am glad it's you more than ever." Very reluctantly he drops his hands and steps away, leaning down to scoop her underwear off the floor. He puts her feet through and helps her tug it back on while she's sitting down, stretching out this moment as long as he can. "I... would like to do this again. And again. As many times as you will have me. I love you and I want you." He makes sure to remind her and tell her specifically because maybe she is feeling lousy about herself. "If that is okay with you and our disaster life too."
"Every nap she takes," Jyn decides. That will be their again and again and again and again. "It's very okay with me."
She slides off the washing machine, legs feeling weak and wobbly. They'd had sex for like twenty minutes, it shouldn't have taken that much out of her and yet here she is. Determinedly, she strides to the door, pulling it open.
"I'll meet you in bed, Andor."
She moves to fetch their daughter, but she's still changing the baby's nappy when he joins them and it isn't much longer until the three of them are scrambling into bed, Rey nestled between them. They have things to do and eventually data pads and snacks are brought into bed with them, but Rey remains snuggled between them or passed between husband and wife.
Jyn is happy like this, in their own little bubble. This the the life.
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ohnofeelstho2017-05-14 03:23 pm
no subject
And Cassian doesn't give a single fuck.
It doesn't last especially long, and while Jyn manages to keep quiet enough to keep from waking up their precious baby, there's something open about the little noises she makes this time. She clings to Cassian, feeling overwhelmed by the sensations. Not to mention the feelings. Sex has always meant nothing, a means to an end, a way to scratch an itch. This time... the love and affection is nearly too much and she feels tears pricking at her eyes. This man is the father of her precious daughter, her closest friend, she loves him.
And more than that, he loves her.
She's breathing hard as she leans against him, trying the wrangle the onslaught of emotions so she doesn't cry like an idiot, but the tears are already leaking down her cheeks as her forehead presses against his chest.
no subject
But he loves her. A lot of the rush is scratching that physical itch, but it's different now. She's not just on this mission with him, she's his life. She and Rey are his whole world, outside any alliance based jurisdictions. His grip on her isn't rough or angry; it's maybe a little possessive, but it's softer somehow. Everything is more now.
Cassian plants a lingering kiss on her shoulder when it's over, then another at the top of her head. It's only then that he notices there's something slightly... off.
He pulls his head back just enough to glance at her face, catching sight of the wetness on her cheeks even though she's burrowing against him. "Jyn?" There's worry in his tone, one of his hands slipping up to cradle her cheek and gently try to tilt her head. He swallows back panic, keeping it firmly at the concern level!! There is crying! What if he hurt her? "What's wrong? Did I - did it - are you okay?"
no subject
"I'm okay, it's..." Her chin tips up slowly and she knows she must look like a mess. Lips swollen from kissing, cheeks flushed from exertion, eyes and nose red from the tears that have left tracks of eyeliner down her cheeks. She probably doesn't look okay or fine, but she's still struggling to get herself together enough to explain.
She doesn't even know if she can explain.
"I'm more broken pieces than whole and you're the glue." They're the glue, this is the glue, keeping her together and whole and she knows it doesn't make sense but sometimes it hits her so hard that their broken pieces stitch together like a mosaic. She shouldn't be allowed something that makes her feel this whole, this real, like she matters. And yet here is this man who inexplicably loves her for some reason and their tiny, wonderful family fits.
Who wouldn't be overwhelmed.
no subject
He lets out a little laugh, kind of watery as his own feelings suddenly swarm up to the surface to match hers. You're the glue she says, and he thinks it must be the opposite. He feels whole with her, she reminds him that maybe he does have a chance to have a real family with people who love him.
"Maybe we were just each other's missing piece." He kisses her forehead and lingers for a moment. She's overwhelmed, but it's more of a... happy thing. Cassian didn't think it was possibly to be overwhelmed in a good way, and he really hopes that's the case. "I love you," he says quietly, and he's never said that to her after sex, or said it to anyone after sex really. "And all of our pieces together."
no subject
And that is it: she's too hormonal and emotional to hold on to the last shreds of her control and she smiles, beams at him, before her expression crumples into tears again and she curls her arms around his neck, crying against his chest.
She didn't know it was possible to be crying from sheer joy, but here she is, perched on the washer and doing just that.
"I love you so much, Cassian, I feel like I'm going to burst from it." It's muffled and sniffly, but it's clear. She has no idea how to cope with happiness. And isn't that the saddest thing in the galaxy. "I don't... I don't know how to, I'm happy and I don't know how to be that?"
no subject
She's definitely crying, but it seems like a good crying? She's snotty and weeping but she's happy; she tells him so.
Cassian kisses her hair and his own nerves seem to come alive too. "I do not know how to be happy either," he admits. It's a comfort to say so aloud, because they're in this together. "We are figuring out everything else along the way, maybe we can figure out how to be happy too. How to just... let ourselves be happy. I did not want to let myself be happy, not until you. It's overwhelming and it is scary, but I have you. You have me. Our happiness just has to look like - like whatever we want it to. I think."
no subject
Lifting her head, looking at him with all that love and happiness that is threatening to make her cry again. "Whatever we want it to? So it can look like two disasters and the sweetest baby in the universe?"
Because that is what it is.
no subject
He lets out the tiniest laugh; it's not an inaccurate description in any way. "Yes," he agrees, looking back at her with the same kind of love. He feels like he's going to burst from it. "I think it can look exactly like that. And if it changes, that is okay too. We are learning. Even if we are scared, I do not think it takes away from being happy. I will be a disaster with you for the rest of my life."
no subject
Anything else is just confetti.
"I'm holding you to that. For the rest of our lives, me and you."
no subject
"I like the sound of that very much. Every day we can grow and shape that happiness a little bit more, into whatever we need it to be."
And that's something very appealing - getting to create a happy life in any form they want.
no subject
Her mouth opens and shuts. Opens again, shuts again.
"Cassian, do you still think I'm... not rubbish to look at? After everything." After pregnancy and childbirth and a needy baby and depression leaving her no energy to work out and maintain the svelte, toned body she used to have. Cassian is still a fucking babe and she's... lumpy.
no subject
Oh. There it is. That's why she refused him pulling her shirt off. He knows her body is not the same, hasn't snapped back to what it was pre childbirth, but it hasn't occurred to him that she is any less attractive. He watches her constantly, moreso now that he feels like he's allowed to, now that they've acknowledge their feelings.
Very gently he frees his arms from around her, if only so he can cradle her face in his hands. "There is no one more beautiful to me than you. When I wake up in the morning to you right beside me, I am always surprised at how lucky I am."
no subject
It's messy and strange and a disaster, but it's perfect.
"I'm still glad that it is you that I'm here with." She'd said that before, before they were anything more than unhappy partners, and it still rings true when they are happy partners. Cassian was the reason all of this was manageable and then okay and then perfect. "Can you pass me my underwear?"
no subject
"Me too. I am glad it's you more than ever." Very reluctantly he drops his hands and steps away, leaning down to scoop her underwear off the floor. He puts her feet through and helps her tug it back on while she's sitting down, stretching out this moment as long as he can. "I... would like to do this again. And again. As many times as you will have me. I love you and I want you." He makes sure to remind her and tell her specifically because maybe she is feeling lousy about herself. "If that is okay with you and our disaster life too."
no subject
She slides off the washing machine, legs feeling weak and wobbly. They'd had sex for like twenty minutes, it shouldn't have taken that much out of her and yet here she is. Determinedly, she strides to the door, pulling it open.
"I'll meet you in bed, Andor."
She moves to fetch their daughter, but she's still changing the baby's nappy when he joins them and it isn't much longer until the three of them are scrambling into bed, Rey nestled between them. They have things to do and eventually data pads and snacks are brought into bed with them, but Rey remains snuggled between them or passed between husband and wife.
Jyn is happy like this, in their own little bubble. This the the life.
no subject