ohnofeelstho | "i like large parties. they’re so intimate. at small parties there isn’t any privacy."

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★ ᴇʀᴀ: ᴍᴏᴅᴇʀɴ ᴀᴜ

"i like large parties. they’re so intimate. at small parties there isn’t any privacy."

It's been a handful of weeks and things aren't going badly. Jyn is a good house guest since she takes up all of zero space and has an almost sad lack of belongings. But eventually she makes herself at home in the guest bedroom, going to so far as to use the dresser like an actual human being. She keeps the sparse apartment clean, she somehow has tea perfectly timed for when he comes home, even if it's early or late, she doesn't eat all his food, she washes the dishes when he makes dinner. When he is at work, she explores the sights and when he is home, he continues her pop culture education.

Breaking Bad is boring (if completely reasonable in her eyes), the Wire is the most incredible piece of television she's ever seen, she loves and hates Patch Adams, she doesn't get the appeal of Johnny Depp, and she will only watch the Motorcycle Diaries in Spanish with Cassian translating the entire movie for her.

Any time Cassian offers to buy her something she says no and one random day he finds the exact cost of her meal plus 20% tip from the day he picked her up from jail tucked into his wallet with a post-it note that says thank you in Jyn's fluid scrawl. She seems to get along fine without a job because she does seem to have money for necessities.

He tells her about a gala and she absorbs the information (he'll be home very late, chamomile tea), but dismisses it as something she needs to worry about until a couple of days later when he asks if she'd like to borrow money for a dress. Borrow, he's learning. That's probably when he realizes that she completely missed the fact that he'd invited her in the first place. She still refuses to take his money, but assures him she will look like a proper society lady, don't worry.

The day of the party rolls around and when he comes home to dress and pick her up, he finds her barricaded in his bathroom and very unwilling to come out. She's not ready!!! Which is odd coming from the woman that can get dressed in the back of a car in two minutes flat. Eventually she convinces him (demands upon threat of not going) to leave without her so he isn't late and she will catch a cab.

Which is what finds her running up the steps of the party ten minutes late. She edges through the door somehow -- she had a ticket! Who did it come from! -- and spends a bit trying to find Cassian in the crowd. When she finally does, she twists and twirls through the party-goers like a beautifully dressed ballerina before she steps up behind him and clears her throat.

"Hi."

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Cassian makes a pleased sort of humming sound, letting his eyes drift shut as they sway across the dancefloor, keeping them only open enough to ensure they don't collide with anyone else. "I like that one."

A moment passes. "When this song ends, another drink?"

"Yeah, sure." If she's honest, she would prefer to stay right here, but that's ridiculous and absurd, she can't spend the entire night dancing with him. Besides, it's not like... It's just not like that. They're begrudging roommates by circumstance and they're only pretending to be a couple for the sake of the party.

"I have something to tell you," he says as the song comes to a close, and he feels slightly bereft when she steps away. "It's nothing bad! Or even terribly, serious, I just."

He gives her an uneasy smile. "I'm really glad you came."

"I am really glad I said yes."

She doesn't know why he prefaced it with having to tell her something, that was dramatic, but she also doesn't think much of it, returning his smile with a surprisingly warm one of her own.

"Now you said something about drinks?"

"Yes," he replies immediately, realizing that he's messed up in the delivery of what he wanted to say versus what he actually said, but that's...

Okay, it's not fine exactly, but he can manage to navigate them towards the nearest bar instead. Of course now there are people around and he feels very aware of them all.

"I'm hoping we can do this sort of thing again. Go out, I mean.

If you're interested."

Wait what.

He wants to...

"Like... a date?"

She looks a little dumbfounded, honestly, but not upset. More confused than anything. She is constantly confounded by their friendship -- because he has met her and knows she has the emotional range of an eggplant -- and now she is confounded by the idea of furthering that friendship. Which is why she blurts out awkwardly, "I'd be terrible for you."

Okay so that...is actually about what he expected to happen. The surprise, anyway, and then the denial, because she'd spent the beginning of their friendship denying that they are actually capable of being friends. Cassian is good at reading people, in his opinion, and he just smiles at her.

"Tell me what you think good for me looks like." Because he's curious, but also because...he trusts her. He trusts her a lot and that goes a lot farther than other things would. "We already take care of each other." He cooks, she makes him tea every day, she steals his shirts and he says nothing, he wakes her up with his awful insomnia and she says nothing.

She immediately gestures to some beautiful woman across the room, silvery blonde hair catching the light as she laughs gaily at something her companion had said, clearly at ease in a social situation and, god, she even looks graceful just standing there. She is probably smart and educated and funny and Jyn finds herself hating the very idea of that woman in the same room as Cassian.

"Like that." Duh. "Someone who knows how to act at these things and probably knows what the point of it is and definitely--" Her voice drops to a fervent whisper, her accent growing a bit more pronounced.. "--isn't a criminal you broke out of jail! What are you going to tell you coworkers about how we met? Oh yeah I picked her up from jail? Don't be absurd."

Cassian glances but that's all he does, immediately fixing his attention back on Jyn. "These things aren't my life, though, this is just...somewhere nice to be, for tonight."

He does frown, though. "One of my coworkers already knows; the one who wrote the dossier I gave you." Because he didn't write that on his own, didn't trust himself to be subjective enough to be fair to her. "The rest don't matter." He bites his tongue before he asks her if she's serious; clearly, she is. "I think we should give it a shot," is what he says instead.

"I didn't go to school, I don't have money, I don't have a family, I don't even have a place that I can say that I'm from. My mother left me, my father left me, even Saw left me. Don't you think maybe there is a reason for that?" It's almost cruel, to imply that Cassian will abandon her the same way everyone else will. She used to think that if she was a good girl, good things would happen, but her life has been one bad thing after the next and she doesn't want Cassian to be the next in a long line of tragedies.

"Why? What absolute insanity has possessed you to think you deserve so little as me?"

"Ah, yes? Because I am a saint walking and my soul is pristine, right? My hands aren't dirty? Have you forgotten what it is I do for a living?"

Cassian stops himself from rolling his eyes but it's a near thing. They've reached the bar, anyway, and he pauses the conversation to give her a chance to order a drink, since he just gets the same mixer as earlier.

Once his drink is in hand however he just stares at her. "You mother was murdered, I have things I would like to say to your father, Saw is insane, and you were no older than, what, eight? When this all started? You're trying to tell me a child deserved that?"

She orders the same double whiskey which is probably a bad idea for someone her size to continue to down, but it's not like she's above making bad decisions as a rule and she feels thoroughly off balance.

"Saw isn't insane!" God, why is she defending him? She would say the same thing half the time, but hearing someone else say it raises her hackles on instinct alone and she has to force herself to lower her voice so she doesn't start a scene when she realizes the pitch in her tone has caught stares.

"My mother left me to go back to my father, that's why I saw it. I followed her." Not even her mother gets a pass from this because she left Jyn, too.

"He isn't exactly what I would call stellar parenting materials either, or you'd know just how amazing you are." Cassian is better at keeping his voice pitched low enough just to be heard by her, but his anger is a thing that runs hot but settles cold in the pit of his stomach. He knows what he is capable of physically, and he can raise his voice and loose a little more control, become a little more like the machismo assholes he grew up around, or he can drive his voice down and make her match him; he chooses the latter.

"I'm not going anywhere. If you tell me you don't want me that's one thing, but if your entire argument hinges on something I don't know how to disprove to you other than keep being here, then by God, I'm going to do that."

Edited 2017-01-08 05:17 (UTC)

Her mouth opens but nothing comes out and she abruptly snaps it shut. She can't say she doesn't want him, that's a lie and she's not nearly as good a liar as Saw wanted her to be, her temper is too fast and too bright to allow her the luxury of lies.

"Saw raised me. If you like me then you like the person he made." She doesn't remember enough about her parents to realize just how alike she is to them, but she knows Saw helped turn her into the person she is now. Abandonment issues and all.

She decides to make that point instead of arguing his affection for her, it seems an easier battle.

There's a brief and shining moment when Cassian thinks that she's going to listen to his reason and then...no, clearly not.

"Do you like me, Jyn? Is that worth it?" He shakes his head. "What have I ever held against you, when have I ever said you weren't good enough, why would I start now?"

She can't answer his questions because the answer is never. He has always been kind to her even when she has been cruel to him. He's always respected her and observed her boundaries and tried to help her in anyway he could eve if she was too stubborn to take it as anything but charity.

He almost lost his job for her.

Her chin wavers, frown seeming to be permanently etched into her features. She doesn't know if it's worth it, but. "Yes."

"I'm not going anywhere." In case she missed that part. "I'm still terrified you're gonna decide it's not worth it and bail, or decide I'm not trustworthy, or something. I'm not. Asking you to promise me anything. I just think. It'll be worth it. We'll be worth it.

I don't deserve someone who makes me tea at all hours or reminds me that I'm not as alone as I feel, but you do those things for me."

She is not good at talking, she's not good at any of this. She bites her tongue to keep from protesting what he deserves, tired of fighting even though fighting is what she lives for. Anger makes sense, but this isn't anger. It's fear and apprehension and loss and she hates it.

"Stop talking," she tells him, not at all as firm as she wishes she could be. Reaching out it more instinct than thought, fingers curling around his tie so she can drag him down with not even a hint of gentleness and push up on her tiptoes at the same time to meet him in a nervous kiss.

He tastes like his drink.

Cassian manages to shut his mouth just in time for Jyn to yank him by the tie downward, and his hands go outward to stop himself from accidentally sloshing his drink all over her dress and to help him maintain some balance while she kisses him.

She kisses him and all the noise in the room narrows to a low hum. She kisses him and he thinks of a line from a song I've got one chance to move you. She kisses him and part of him feels solid in a way he's never felt solid or present before.

She kisses him, he kisses back, and God. She pulls away just a little and he's not sure if she meant to say something in that moment but she doesn't get the chance, because he's kissing her again.

He's kissing her and somehow Jyn didn't foresee that as a natural conclusion to kissing him. It catches her off guard, a startled noise against his lips, amazement mingled with triumph -- even though she had been trying to convince him away from this, away from her.

Her own drink is blindly pressed into the hands of a nearby stranger, punctuated by a surprised noise and then a knowing noise, so her hands can press to the back of his neck, bridging any space left between them as she pulls herself closer.

Cassian's drink remains in his hand but the other is at Jyn's waist and something in Cassian's chest threatens to unwind completely under the force of her kiss. How did they get from she wasn't good enough for him to this? He's curious, for certain, but not enough to stop and ask now. Or ever, really.

The material of her dress is just as appealing to the touch as he'd assumed it was, even though he's currently more drawn to the woman in it than the material composition.

"We're making a scene," he murmurs against her lips, but neither of them seem terribly interested in stopping either.

Without even realize she's doing it, she curves into his hand, wanting more contact.

"I'll make a Broadway musical." It's on a peel of laughter, soft and clear like the chiming of bells, but she does draw back reluctantly, cheeks flushed and eyes bright. There is still apprehension and nerves twisting through the stardust, maybe there always will be, but

He was right. Maybe it'll be worth it. Besides, "I trust you." Her hands slide from this neck to his shoulders, smoothing down his rumpled suit jacket, letting her hands continue straightening the fabric down his chest. "I only make you tea because you're absolutely rubbish at it. A genuine disgrace to tea. You ought to be ashamed."

She doesn't think he will be and if she were more willing to be honest, she would admit that she's usually awake anyway. It isn't much of a hardship to roll out of bed and turn the kettle on. It's not like she bothers putting trousers on.

Trust is an important, fragile thing and to hear that she trusts him, after all she's been through? Is like a punch to the gut, taking the wind out of his sails - not unlike her kiss in the first place - but now he's worried he's going to fuck it up. Cassian is not, in his opinion, an honest and trustworthy sort of person...but hasn't he been trying, with her, to be different than the sort of person he's had to be as a result of his life and career? He's tried to be worthy of her trust, even before he knew he had it.

"I can handle being rubbish at something." Especially something she's good at, even more especially something she is willing to help him with. "All the better if you're helping me manage."

"Say rubbish again." Ah, Britishisms in his accent, she can be so easily amused. She steps back and out of his arms and scans the area to her left to find the glass she'd given away, plucking it right back out of their hands with a "thank you" that is more grateful to the alcohol for existing than the person for not letting it fall on the floor.

It's in her perusal that she finds something she doesn't like, but instead of instinctively fleeing, the way she usually does -- see: that time she climbed out the diner bathroom window -- she moves back to Cassian with her glass and steps up very close into his personal space again. "Your boss is here. Can we go dancing again?"

Because dancing is safe from interruptions, isn't it?

"Rubbish." She is easily amused and he is easily enabled into amusing her, full of warmth and the rush of having been kissed hard enough to leave his head spinning a little.

Then she's in his space again and he swallows, expression doing something complicated. "If you'd rather leave, we can leave." Just in case she would like the out.

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