Jyn has been back for three days and already she wishes she was back in the field punching things; she is good at that, Saw made sure of it. Being back on base means she is back in the sticky humidity and surrounded by people. She doesn't like all of her Pathfinder crew but at least they tolerate each other. She can't tolerate everyone on base.
Like now.
She'd been in the gym, teaching a couple of new recruits the art of hand to hand combat at Draven's request -- "Try not to make anyone cry this time." -- when she overheard someone say Cassian's name. She focused up enough to not get clocked in the jaw but it was such a near miss the new kid's eyes went wide with fear and wider still when she complimented his form. Then she set them sparring with each other while she casually eavesdropped.
She only recognized one of the women, a communications... lieutenant and isn't that just great, she wildly outranks Jyn so Jyn can't start shit without getting in trouble for fighting a baby officer and having to explain herself to Draven. And how is she supposed to explain the flare of anger making her hot and uncomfortable and punchy? It's just idle gossip about how handsome Cassian is (which is an objective fact Jyn has no problem agreeing with, Cassian is a beautiful man) and an excellent kisser and how great he is in bed and Jyn doesn't catch much of the rest because it sounds like she's standing inside a waterfall. She dismisses the recruits with a good job, ignoring their baffled looks, and does her best to keep listening to the chattering women while she grabs a drink from her canteen.
"He's just so open with me, you know? I feel like I really see a part of him no one else does. He's so peaceful."
"Andor? Really? He's so... stiff."
Jyn seethes. He is not! He is warm and kind and funny when he wants to be, he is so considerate and thoughtful. He isn't stiff at all, he's simply practical and discerning when it comes to letting people into his life. Well, not too discerning if he let that snake-- Jyn misses the rest of what the women as saying, trying to shove away the image of Cassian open and peaceful with that woman in his bed as she stalks out of the gym. She finds herself heading toward his berth without thinking and then determines she will tell him he needs to be more discerning since some of his affairs can't keep their mouths shut.
Yeah, that is what this is about. She is mad that someone is invading Cassian's privacy this way, airing his business out when they have no right to! His privacy is important to him and they should respect that! That is what she decides but before she can put this into action she turns the corner to his corridor and finds Cassian leaning against the wall.
Being flirted with.
She knows he is being flirted with because she can see the way the other man's fingers are trailing up Cassian's arm, feather light. The kind of touch that brings shivers. She stops in the middle of the hallway, winded from power walking through the base and from keeping her anger from escaping every time someone ran into her as she walked. She needs to turn around and leave, suddenly rethinking every single course of action that has brought her here, briefly debating going right back to Draven and asking him to send her out again even though she has one more day of enforced leave to make sure her shoulder is set. Anything to get out of this hallway before Cassian sees her, but she is struck by the easy, open demeanor he has and she feels her stomach roll over with bitter jealousy that he isn't like that with her.
It has been several months since Cassian kissed Jyn on that mission, but it's fine because he's barely thought about it. There's no reason to think about it, because Jyn hasn't brought it up, which means she's not thinking about it either. It's been several months and it's taken that long for Cassian to stop avoiding any suggestive glances or too cheery greetings, which is stupid because there was no reason for him to be avoiding a casual one time thing with anyone!
Maybe it feels a little weird, but it always felt weird, because he rarely approaches these encounters one hundred percent as himself. It's easier that way, to find someone, to flirt, to create an image even in intimacy in this tiny reprieve of stress relief. Some people he never sees again, some people he might seek out a few more times, but he's never really had anything or anyone to really be himself with. He wanted it that way.
Except Jyn. But that's different.
The man touching him now is handsome enough, only a little bit taller than him. Cassian's already caught him staring across the room a few times, because he catches almost everyone who watches him. He catches him in the hallway and they walk together, talking, chatting, idly flirting, and it's easy to just lean against the wall and keep at it, inviting the man just a little bit into his personal space.
Naturally, it's just about when Cassian is going to go in for the kill that he spots Jyn whirling the corner in a rush. She looks like she's just been caught in a spotlight when they lock eyes, and Cassian can feel his posture shift, his attention already on her instead of this man - because that's how it is. Jyn is his friend, his best friend, and she's far more important than anything this rebel has to offer him.
"Sorry," he says to the man, shifting backward. "I need to check in about a mission."
The man follows Cassian's eye and spots Jyn, letting out a very deep sigh. "Some mission. Good luck with that, Andor."
Cassian looks confused, because there's recognition in the tone, like this man knows who Jyn is, is implying far more than reality suggests, but he tosses Cassian a final wink. "You got my hopes up for a second. Didn't realize Erso was on base."
He walks away, brushing past Jyn without so much as a glance, leaving Cassian alone with her in the corridor.
Jyn is a little insulted that the guy doesn't even look at her when he passes -- Cassian really needs to adjust that part of his recruitment spiel, clearly no one is going to find community here. Unless it's her. Shit, maybe it's her. She isn't exactly the most friendly of people; she's been told, to her face no less, that she's an unfriendly bitch so she can't discount that it's her.
It's always her.
She doesn't sigh but something inside her deflates a little. She shouldn't care what some nameless rebel thinks about her, because she certainly doesn't think about him, but now she just feels like she shouldn't have come down here in the first place and interrupted something Cassian probably wanted. He had to have wanted it, he doesn't let people in his personal space otherwise. He'd invited it, just like he'd invited that woman.
"I, uh. If you fucked a lieutenant recently you should tell her to shut up because she's talking about how you are in bed in public where anyone can hear it. And if you didn't fuck a lieutenant recently then one of them is making up how you are in bed and you should still tell her to shut up." Unless he doesn't care, but she thinks he would care. She could have phrased it better probably, waited for privacy but she'd bitten out the words too quickly to think about how to say it.
He was going to get laid and Jyn ruined it just by existing in Cassian's peripheral vision. No wonder he didn't look at her.
Very briefly Cassian seems to brighten when it becomes just them, perking up and moving towards her, about to ask if everything is okay given how out of breath and annoyed she seems. But then she just launches into what was clearly on her mind and maybe... she was not okay. His face falls.
Suddenly it feels very odd to talk to Jyn about this.
Weirdly, it doesn't bother him as much as she thinks, because people say all sorts about him all the time. Not all of it's good. Someone gossiping with a friend about sleeping with him isn't the worst he's heard, and he honestly doesn't mind too much - but the fact that she's so concerned he would is oddly meaningful. That's hitting him more.
"It was not... recently." He hasn't slept with anyone since before he kissed her, but he's not going to tell her that because that would involve bringing up the fact that he kissed her. He really has no idea where to go with this conversation at all. "Um. There are worse things to say, I suppose. Thank you for telling me."
Emotions: ????????? Seriously why did he thank her?
"Is that why you rushed here?" She clearly ran! Who knows for how long! But he can tell.
"Yeah, I thought..." Wrong. He doesn't seem to care, he isn't fussed, and Jyn feels like a deflated balloon. She would be mortified if anyone talked about her sex life! Luckily Hadder would never because he's still scared of her even if she knows he is carefully and inexpertly courting a very handsome Mirialan who had the Force sensitivity of a rock but still picked up that Hadder was flirting with him long before Jyn had. Admittedly it took Jyn a year, but. Still, she knows Hadder would never gossip about her, not like that.
She knows she is just jealous because of what the woman was saying, about how open Cassian was and now her jealousy has ruined whatever chance he had with that guy. Maybe. Maybe if she leaves, Cassian can find him again?
Ugh, her stomach feels all knotted.
Eventually her good shoulder lifts in an awkward shrug. "Sorry I interrupted your... thing." Encounter? Rendezvous? Whatever, thing works just as well. She feels so uncomfortable and exposed now, warm and prickly, but she steps to the side so the hallway is clear. "Maybe you can catch up with him?"
It isn't that he wants his private business out there, but as far as Cassian is concerned, this isn't top tier privacy. Whatever they're saying, it's not really him. Conversations with Jyn on the other hand? He'd be furious if they were shared. But Jyn wouldn't do that. "No, it's..." How does he explain how much he appreciates her concern? "I am glad you told me."
There. Nailed it. He says it very earnestly though. Maybe he should be a little more discerning about the people he sleeps with.
He frowns when she tries to excuse herself though, because moment already over. He'd rather spend time with Jyn than a man he barely knows any day. He shakes his head. "It's fine. I did not really know him. I just wanted -" to relax. Why is he so constantly stressed? "I do not know. Something. He just seemed nice."
He huffs a little breath. "You do not have leave."
But he wanted something and Jyn is standing in the way of that! She makes no move to leave because he told her she didn't have to, but she still feels like she'd intruded. "You could get to know him."
Maybe they could be friends. He needs more friends, more than her and K2. Sure, if they banged and then became friends they would be friends with benefits and the idea of that also makes Jyn stomach twist uncomfortably. Maybe she is ill.
They'd kissed, the once, and it was wonderful and soft and warm, but it was a mission. They'd kissed to keep their cover from being blown and to by them a little more time and it worked. It worked well enough that for a brief, fleeting moment Jyn felt like it was real. Except it hadn't been and it would be mean to Cassian to hold him to the kiss when it was only for the mission. So she pretended it didn't happen because it didn't. Cassian didn't kiss Jyn, his cover kissed her cover.
It was work, not something to get worked up about.
But she's been avoiding him all the same, escaping across the galaxy with the Pathfinders every chance she got and loathing the time she had to spend back on base recuperating after every mission.
"I did not want to." It sounds so callous but Cassian doesn't, on principle, get to know very many people. It's a wonder he's gotten as close to Jyn as he has now. Usually the people he recruits into the Rebellion filter off into whatever jobs suit them - Hadder had done just that - but Jyn kept circling back to him, and he never wanted to push her away.
Only it feels like the opposite lately. He feels like she's been avoiding him, and he doesn't want to miss out on whatever time they might have today, however skittish they both are. She's more important to him than a roll around in his bed.
"I have a week, at least. They are still formulating the next mission. You have not been back very long yet, right?" A beat. He hopes it wasn't too long because he doesn't want to think about her ignoring him for days and days on end. "Are you leaving again soon?"
She's barely on base any more, constantly off with the Pathfinders as often as she can. It's not like they had copious amounts of time to hang out on the regular anyway, but it's been worse than usual. Maybe it's the kiss. Even though it was undercover, maybe it made her uncomfortable and now she doesn't want to be around him anymore. The mere idea of that puts a pit in his stomach, but he knows he would respect her wishes if that were the case.
"I've only been back since yesterday." But again, one shoulder lifts in a shrug. "Dunno when I'm leaving again, I kriffed up my shoulder so they've given me three days leave before they check it again."
She doesn't think it is that badly hurt, they'd given her a sling that she isn't using and they let her teach hand to hand knowing full well she would not be an inactive participant. She could fuck it up again in the time being and definitely get stuck with more leave but is (barely) trying to avoid that.
"It's so boring with nothing to do, no wonder he was flirting with you." A beat. "Not that you're not... You're very..." Her face scrunches up. "He can't be blamed for his good taste."
Yesterday. That's better! He got back yesterday mid afternoon but got caught up in debriefings then he just... slept for a few hours, though it was a fitful sleep. The more important part is she has at least three days and Cassian finds himself excited by the idea of a solid three days of overlap. Maybe even more! "We could grab dinner later, if you can."
She is being so cagey that he doesn't want to trap her in it, but part of their friendship grew over sharing silent meals in the mess hall in the months after her initial recruitment.
It's not the first time Jyn has more or less called him handsome - but now it comes after he kissed her, and it does more strange things to his chest. "It is likely one of the only reasons people flirt with me, boredom or otherwise." He nose wrinkles. "But it is always good to have your approval."
Jyn doesn't wear a watch because we version of prepared doesn't involve knowing what time it is, but Cassian does and without even thinking about it, Jyn steps toward him to take his wrist, turning it so she can read the face.
"Early dinner mess starts in five minutes." Usually it's for the people who work the night shifts, who need to eat before they start working so everyone else can eat once they've gotten off shift, but it isn't closed to the night shift. They could eat dinner now, early. And then have literally nothing to do for the rest of the evening because life on base is so boring Jyn is going to lose her mind.
"How do you not go mad here with nothing to do and nowhere to go, I feel like I'm going insane every time I've got to stay longer than a couple days. There's nothing to do." She could drink or play games or go for a hike, but she's not very social and she doesn't like drinking and she doesn't have friends and K2 has told her on more than one occasion that she is poor company and has a garbage personality and Cassian didn't program him to lie. It's not that there isn't anything to do it's that Jyn doesn't have anyone to do anything with.
"Usually I hang out with you, but it seems very hard to catch you lately." What's up with that, Jyn??
He doesn't ignore her note of dinner time, but nor does he make any moves or gesture to head for the mess hall. He likes the quiet of just the two of them right now.
"I catch up on sleep, I suppose. Read. It is not always reports, before you ask." Occasionally have sex. That's a big one for a base full of pent up rebels, but he's not going to bring it up now! "There is a recreation room on this base, but I have only been there a handful of times. I never found it interesting. I do not like to be bored, so I often turn to more work."
Which defeats the purpose of downtime, but such is his life. At least work chases away his own loneliness when all the other coping mechanisms don't.
"Can't control war," she answers easily. It isn't her fault that the Pathfinders constantly have work to do across the galaxy and their rebellion is still small enough that losing a man only puts more work on everyone else. They need new blood. "At least you know where I am."
Far more than she ever gets. It isn't just her piddling rank, Cassian's missions are often classified and she is never on the need to know basis so when he is off base, she doesn't know where he is or when he is coming back.
Work might be something of an escape for her, at least she has something to do. Something to think about instead of things she can't have.
It's not just war, he wants to say. He knows the Pathfinders are prone to sudden call outs, but it feels like Jyn has just been away... more. But she's right. He can usually find out where she is, and it brings him peace of mind. She doesn't get the same privilege. "You always know when I come back."
He opens his mouth in surprise, closes it, tries to decide how to object and finds he can't. She knows he does! She's shown up at his door when some person was awkwardly slipping out! She literally just walked up and witnessed him flirting in action! "It helps me feel relaxed sometimes."
It's often just fleeting, but it's better than nothing he supposes.
It comes out more accusatory than intended but maybe it's because she doesn't know what she intended when the words came out in the first place. It helps him feel relaxed, why doesn't he relax with her!
She was already jealous, but now she's... hurt. Why. She knows she and Cassian are friends, she knows he relaxes with her, there is no reason to be hurt that he doesn't flirt with her too. He doesn't like her and she didn't even want him to be beholden to his actions undercover so it's not fair to ask that now.
"You don't have to answer that. I shouldn't have--"
Of all the things he might have expected as a response, it isn't that one.
She's never given any sign she was interested in him that way, or maybe it never occurred to him as a possibility. People are attracted to him, he's not stupid enough to be ignorant of that. But it's Jyn. His best friend.
Someone he kissed, and who is seemingly mad he's never flirted with her before.
And she wants him to flirt with her and kiss her and be with her but she can't say that, she can't ask for that because... because she can't. Because she doesn't know how. Hadder did all the work, he flirted with her for a year and she didn't notice until he outright told her that he'd been flirting with her for a year. Then he suggested kissing, he suggested more. He let Jyn decide everything, but he certainly offered her every choice.
There is a more specific implication of relaxed happening in the background of this conversation.
"I do relax with you. I just did not know you were back yet."
She might have been right about his ability to find her, but he has not been taking advantage of it as much, thinking maybe she wanted her space and privacy.
He can't stop thinking about how appalled she sounded by the fact that he never flirted with her. Almost like her feelings were hurt by it. And there's no reason for her to be hurt unless it's something she wants from him too! His stomach sort of... flutters.
"Do you want to come inside?"
He knows they were just talking about dinner, but he thinks maybe he can get to the bottom of this once they're out of plain view sight in the hallway.
They're in close and he's always tended to duck himself down toward her for the sake of privacy so it doesn't take much effort for her to stretch up on her tiptoes and kiss him. It's fleeting, merely a brush of her lips against his, before she looks up at him, nerves racing through her body.
She supposes she could just walk into the jungle and die.
"I would like to go inside." In case kissing him hadn't been a satisfactory answer.
Oh. As soon as she kisses him, he forgets entirely about anything else because he's been thinking about kissing her again since the mission.
It might be fleeting on her part, but his head ducks down like he wants to chase after her, even though he doesn't kiss her again just yet. Even so, it still takes him a moment to move towards his room, tugging at her hand very gently while he opens the door to lead them both inside.
She looks as nervous as he suddenly feels, but maybe she's wanted to kiss him just as much all along. "Now who is doing the flirting?"
She really hates being the one to have made the first move. What if he doesn't want... what if he never wanted... what if she made a terrible mistake and now they're going to be awkward and uncomfortable until neither of them can bear it and their friendships dissolves, blown away on a humid breeze.
He squeezes her hand. Maybe what makes it so hard to flirt with Jyn is that he does care about her. When it comes to other people, it doesn't matter if things go south because Cassian never intends for any of them to stick around.
"I did ask you to come in," he tries with a very small, almost shy grin. He doesn't know what he wants or what might be happening, but he does know Jyn kissed him and he really wants it to be a thing. He would like the kissing to occur again.
But taking a risk on a kiss always felt dangerous when he didn't want to lose her at all. "I think if I tried to flirt now, it would just fall flat. Please stay."
His smile makes her feel like jelly, but it's his plea that she stay is her undoing. It's not flirting, but it is such a genuine request and she feels like he would be so disappointed if she did decide to leave.
Unlike the man he'd been flirting with.
It makes her feel bold and she grabs his shirt, pulling herself in to kiss him once more. It's not as tentative, not as hesitant, there is still a question to it, an uncertainty, but it's firmer than the first. Determined.
He would be disappointed if she decided to leave. Not just because he can't stop thinking about kissing her, but because he always likes getting the time together they can take.
As soon as she grabs his shirt, Cassian knows what she's going to do, and he does nothing to stop it. He's mildly surprised by her sudden new gusto, but it isn't long before he kisses her back, trying to chase away her uncertainty with his own enthusiasm. His hands find her waist, and he tugs her in closer, enough of a grip to prove he wants this without making it impossible for her to step back if she wants. This is new territory for him! With Jyn, at least.
Jyn finds that she could kiss Cassian forever and not grow tired of it. His lips are warm, his hands are warm, he is warm as he pulls her up against him and she soaks it in like a warm bath, a luxury they don't have on base.
Except she draws back, eyes bright, cheeks flushed, breathing hard like she's run a marathon and not simply been kissing a boy.
He is just as out of breath, eyes dropping back to her lips even after she pulls back. Her face is delightfully flushed and he feels warm with it, wanting to pull her in even closer as his fingers dig in a little.
"I never agreed to that." To her doing all the work! He didn't even know there was work to be done until today! He ducks in to brush his lips very briefly against hers. "Besides, we are going to relax. That doesn't sound like work."
He lifts his hand and cups her cheek. "I want to relax with you."
More than anyone else. He already feels more like himself with her than anyone else too.
Like he'd been going to relax with that fellow she'd scared off by accident, by existing. Warmth floods her cheeks as his fingers brush against it, gently and familiar. He's touched her like that enough times after injuries, checking to see if she was okay and unconcussed, but it's different this time. Even if the familiarity of the gesture settles her somewhat.
This is Cassian, her best friend, he knows her better than anyone.
She sighs into a smile, turning her head slightly to kiss his fingers. "Alright. Let's relax."
Her face goes pink and she kisses his fingers in a gesture so quietly affectionate he almost melts. His usual encounters are never this soft, but he already likes it ten times more. The look on his face is soft too, in a way he's not entirely aware of, in ways he doesn't usually allow.
But it's Jyn.
"Okay."
And he leans in to kiss her again, still cradling her face even if the press of his lips to hers is eager and wanting. He sighs and smiles into it. Cassian has kissed many people, but it's never been quite so openly pleasant before. He feels like himself, which is a very nice change from the usual.
For the second time in as many minutes, Jyn decides she could kiss Cassian forever. The thought of forever tugs at her a bit, pulling at insecurities she tries to ignore, prodding old wounds she claims have long since healed when the reality is that they are still as open and fresh as when she was eight.
It's different. It'll be different. She just has to be good and useful and indispensable and then it'll be different. It's such a childish thought but it's the one that has always been there in the back of her mind. If she'd just been a good girl, a better girl, her parents wouldn't have left. If she'd just been more useful, so useful she couldn't be left, Saw wouldn't have abandoned her. She has to keep going out with the Partisans so she doesn't jeopardize the place she has here, so they don't find a reason to tell her to leave.
But what if Cassian... no. No, she'll simply be good, better than good, and it'll do the trick this time.
She kisses him hard, determined and enthusiastic, breathing him in like oxygen.
There is something wonderful and comforting about kissing Jyn, familiar and new at once. It should be nerve-wracking but it just feels natural. His fingertips slip idly under the hem of her shirt, his tongue darts after the taste of her.
She's his family, and kissing her is so new. It's riskier than a one night stand, but he wants to take the risk. He just wants her.
But there is something in the undercurrent, he can't quite tell what it is, and she is overthinking even as she kisses him recklessly. He doesn't pause, but he does pull away enough to speak against her mouth, even as his fingers dig into her skin. Concern laces through his desire. "Are you okay?"
"Yes?" But now she is worried! That he is not okay. She wants to badly for this to be easy, it's meant to be relaxing, but she can feel the tension crawling up her spine.
She wants desperately to keep kissing him but instead she jerks away, pacing in a small circle in his room, wiping her hands down the front of her pants. Why isn't this easy? Cassian is her best friend, everything is usually very easy with him, they'd grown into an easy friendship full of companionable silences and conversations that don't annoy her. This should be just as easy.
But it is not because Jyn is massively overthinking every single thing.
She backs up and Cassian lets go instantly, worry churning over in his gut that he's crossed a line (or crossed another line). Maybe she's having second thoughts, maybe she doesn't actually want this, maybe it's him. It's definitely him!
He frowns a little watching her pace, because he wants to go to her, but he's worried about crowding her, about breaking boundaries. It's so much more precious now, because she is his best friend. Because she's so terribly important to him. Usually he's the chronic overthinker, but she's clearly gunning for that title.
"I do not know if I agree with that," he says carefully, wiping his hands on his own pants, mimicking her gesture without realizing. "But I want you to be fine. More than anything else, I want us to be fine too. Please tell me."
"We kissed." Her hands clasp behind her back, the same way they do when she needs to speak in the war room. Speaking up is hard for her and hiding the way her fingers knot together is important to hiding her nerves.
"Before. We kissed before on the mission and I know it wasn't real and you had to to keep our covers and you weren't doing it because you wanted to. But now." She stops pacing, looking down at a scuff on the floor. "I want it to be real. I don't want it to be just because I interrupted you and that guy. And I don't want to relax with you. Not like... I don't want it to be relaxing."
She can't sort out the words to say that she doesn't want it to be some fling where they relax and act like nothing happened and carry on with their every day lives. Jyn's not that good a liar, she won't be able to manage it. She feels like she is going to throw up because what if this is what damages their friendship so irreparably that they can't find their way back and she loses her best friend?
So she didn't forget, or try to forget. It's been on his mind since it happened, it's almost a relief to know it's been on hers too. Her words are all over the place, but they churn his stomach over with his own worry too. It makes sense that she might be concerned it wasn't real to him, but he's not sure how well he can tell her he very much wants it to be real without being overbearing. He isn't substituting her for a missing body.
He shakes his head. "It isn't - you are not a replacement for that. I have been thinking about that mission since we got back. I thought... I thought I had ruined things. I thought you were avoiding me." He kissed her and made things awkward, and he wouldn't have blamed her for that avoidance.
Even as he was terrified of losing her, he couldn't stop thinking about kissing her.
"You are my friend, Jyn, and you are important to me." His best friend. His family, really. "I want anything between us to be real."
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ohnofeelstho2019-06-03 10:52 pm
the jealous are troublesome to others, but a torment to themselves.
Like now.
She'd been in the gym, teaching a couple of new recruits the art of hand to hand combat at Draven's request -- "Try not to make anyone cry this time." -- when she overheard someone say Cassian's name. She focused up enough to not get clocked in the jaw but it was such a near miss the new kid's eyes went wide with fear and wider still when she complimented his form. Then she set them sparring with each other while she casually eavesdropped.
She only recognized one of the women, a communications... lieutenant and isn't that just great, she wildly outranks Jyn so Jyn can't start shit without getting in trouble for fighting a baby officer and having to explain herself to Draven. And how is she supposed to explain the flare of anger making her hot and uncomfortable and punchy? It's just idle gossip about how handsome Cassian is (which is an objective fact Jyn has no problem agreeing with, Cassian is a beautiful man) and an excellent kisser and how great he is in bed and Jyn doesn't catch much of the rest because it sounds like she's standing inside a waterfall. She dismisses the recruits with a good job, ignoring their baffled looks, and does her best to keep listening to the chattering women while she grabs a drink from her canteen.
"He's just so open with me, you know? I feel like I really see a part of him no one else does. He's so peaceful."
"Andor? Really? He's so... stiff."
Jyn seethes. He is not! He is warm and kind and funny when he wants to be, he is so considerate and thoughtful. He isn't stiff at all, he's simply practical and discerning when it comes to letting people into his life. Well, not too discerning if he let that snake-- Jyn misses the rest of what the women as saying, trying to shove away the image of Cassian open and peaceful with that woman in his bed as she stalks out of the gym. She finds herself heading toward his berth without thinking and then determines she will tell him he needs to be more discerning since some of his affairs can't keep their mouths shut.
Yeah, that is what this is about. She is mad that someone is invading Cassian's privacy this way, airing his business out when they have no right to! His privacy is important to him and they should respect that! That is what she decides but before she can put this into action she turns the corner to his corridor and finds Cassian leaning against the wall.
Being flirted with.
She knows he is being flirted with because she can see the way the other man's fingers are trailing up Cassian's arm, feather light. The kind of touch that brings shivers. She stops in the middle of the hallway, winded from power walking through the base and from keeping her anger from escaping every time someone ran into her as she walked. She needs to turn around and leave, suddenly rethinking every single course of action that has brought her here, briefly debating going right back to Draven and asking him to send her out again even though she has one more day of enforced leave to make sure her shoulder is set. Anything to get out of this hallway before Cassian sees her, but she is struck by the easy, open demeanor he has and she feels her stomach roll over with bitter jealousy that he isn't like that with her.
no subject
Maybe it feels a little weird, but it always felt weird, because he rarely approaches these encounters one hundred percent as himself. It's easier that way, to find someone, to flirt, to create an image even in intimacy in this tiny reprieve of stress relief. Some people he never sees again, some people he might seek out a few more times, but he's never really had anything or anyone to really be himself with. He wanted it that way.
Except Jyn. But that's different.
The man touching him now is handsome enough, only a little bit taller than him. Cassian's already caught him staring across the room a few times, because he catches almost everyone who watches him. He catches him in the hallway and they walk together, talking, chatting, idly flirting, and it's easy to just lean against the wall and keep at it, inviting the man just a little bit into his personal space.
Naturally, it's just about when Cassian is going to go in for the kill that he spots Jyn whirling the corner in a rush. She looks like she's just been caught in a spotlight when they lock eyes, and Cassian can feel his posture shift, his attention already on her instead of this man - because that's how it is. Jyn is his friend, his best friend, and she's far more important than anything this rebel has to offer him.
"Sorry," he says to the man, shifting backward. "I need to check in about a mission."
The man follows Cassian's eye and spots Jyn, letting out a very deep sigh. "Some mission. Good luck with that, Andor."
Cassian looks confused, because there's recognition in the tone, like this man knows who Jyn is, is implying far more than reality suggests, but he tosses Cassian a final wink. "You got my hopes up for a second. Didn't realize Erso was on base."
He walks away, brushing past Jyn without so much as a glance, leaving Cassian alone with her in the corridor.
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It's always her.
She doesn't sigh but something inside her deflates a little. She shouldn't care what some nameless rebel thinks about her, because she certainly doesn't think about him, but now she just feels like she shouldn't have come down here in the first place and interrupted something Cassian probably wanted. He had to have wanted it, he doesn't let people in his personal space otherwise. He'd invited it, just like he'd invited that woman.
"I, uh. If you fucked a lieutenant recently you should tell her to shut up because she's talking about how you are in bed in public where anyone can hear it. And if you didn't fuck a lieutenant recently then one of them is making up how you are in bed and you should still tell her to shut up." Unless he doesn't care, but she thinks he would care. She could have phrased it better probably, waited for privacy but she'd bitten out the words too quickly to think about how to say it.
"I thought you'd... want to know."
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Very briefly Cassian seems to brighten when it becomes just them, perking up and moving towards her, about to ask if everything is okay given how out of breath and annoyed she seems. But then she just launches into what was clearly on her mind and maybe... she was not okay. His face falls.
Suddenly it feels very odd to talk to Jyn about this.
Weirdly, it doesn't bother him as much as she thinks, because people say all sorts about him all the time. Not all of it's good. Someone gossiping with a friend about sleeping with him isn't the worst he's heard, and he honestly doesn't mind too much - but the fact that she's so concerned he would is oddly meaningful. That's hitting him more.
"It was not... recently." He hasn't slept with anyone since before he kissed her, but he's not going to tell her that because that would involve bringing up the fact that he kissed her. He really has no idea where to go with this conversation at all. "Um. There are worse things to say, I suppose. Thank you for telling me."
Emotions: ????????? Seriously why did he thank her?
"Is that why you rushed here?" She clearly ran! Who knows for how long! But he can tell.
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She knows she is just jealous because of what the woman was saying, about how open Cassian was and now her jealousy has ruined whatever chance he had with that guy. Maybe. Maybe if she leaves, Cassian can find him again?
Ugh, her stomach feels all knotted.
Eventually her good shoulder lifts in an awkward shrug. "Sorry I interrupted your... thing." Encounter? Rendezvous? Whatever, thing works just as well. She feels so uncomfortable and exposed now, warm and prickly, but she steps to the side so the hallway is clear. "Maybe you can catch up with him?"
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There. Nailed it. He says it very earnestly though. Maybe he should be a little more discerning about the people he sleeps with.
He frowns when she tries to excuse herself though, because moment already over. He'd rather spend time with Jyn than a man he barely knows any day. He shakes his head. "It's fine. I did not really know him. I just wanted -" to relax. Why is he so constantly stressed? "I do not know. Something. He just seemed nice."
He huffs a little breath. "You do not have leave."
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Maybe they could be friends. He needs more friends, more than her and K2. Sure, if they banged and then became friends they would be friends with benefits and the idea of that also makes Jyn stomach twist uncomfortably. Maybe she is ill.
They'd kissed, the once, and it was wonderful and soft and warm, but it was a mission. They'd kissed to keep their cover from being blown and to by them a little more time and it worked. It worked well enough that for a brief, fleeting moment Jyn felt like it was real. Except it hadn't been and it would be mean to Cassian to hold him to the kiss when it was only for the mission. So she pretended it didn't happen because it didn't. Cassian didn't kiss Jyn, his cover kissed her cover.
It was work, not something to get worked up about.
But she's been avoiding him all the same, escaping across the galaxy with the Pathfinders every chance she got and loathing the time she had to spend back on base recuperating after every mission.
"How long are you around this time?"
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Only it feels like the opposite lately. He feels like she's been avoiding him, and he doesn't want to miss out on whatever time they might have today, however skittish they both are. She's more important to him than a roll around in his bed.
"I have a week, at least. They are still formulating the next mission. You have not been back very long yet, right?" A beat. He hopes it wasn't too long because he doesn't want to think about her ignoring him for days and days on end. "Are you leaving again soon?"
She's barely on base any more, constantly off with the Pathfinders as often as she can. It's not like they had copious amounts of time to hang out on the regular anyway, but it's been worse than usual. Maybe it's the kiss. Even though it was undercover, maybe it made her uncomfortable and now she doesn't want to be around him anymore. The mere idea of that puts a pit in his stomach, but he knows he would respect her wishes if that were the case.
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She doesn't think it is that badly hurt, they'd given her a sling that she isn't using and they let her teach hand to hand knowing full well she would not be an inactive participant. She could fuck it up again in the time being and definitely get stuck with more leave but is (barely) trying to avoid that.
"It's so boring with nothing to do, no wonder he was flirting with you." A beat. "Not that you're not... You're very..." Her face scrunches up. "He can't be blamed for his good taste."
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She is being so cagey that he doesn't want to trap her in it, but part of their friendship grew over sharing silent meals in the mess hall in the months after her initial recruitment.
It's not the first time Jyn has more or less called him handsome - but now it comes after he kissed her, and it does more strange things to his chest. "It is likely one of the only reasons people flirt with me, boredom or otherwise." He nose wrinkles. "But it is always good to have your approval."
What. What?? Approval??
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"Early dinner mess starts in five minutes." Usually it's for the people who work the night shifts, who need to eat before they start working so everyone else can eat once they've gotten off shift, but it isn't closed to the night shift. They could eat dinner now, early. And then have literally nothing to do for the rest of the evening because life on base is so boring Jyn is going to lose her mind.
"How do you not go mad here with nothing to do and nowhere to go, I feel like I'm going insane every time I've got to stay longer than a couple days. There's nothing to do." She could drink or play games or go for a hike, but she's not very social and she doesn't like drinking and she doesn't have friends and K2 has told her on more than one occasion that she is poor company and has a garbage personality and Cassian didn't program him to lie. It's not that there isn't anything to do it's that Jyn doesn't have anyone to do anything with.
She's lonely.
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He doesn't ignore her note of dinner time, but nor does he make any moves or gesture to head for the mess hall. He likes the quiet of just the two of them right now.
"I catch up on sleep, I suppose. Read. It is not always reports, before you ask." Occasionally have sex. That's a big one for a base full of pent up rebels, but he's not going to bring it up now! "There is a recreation room on this base, but I have only been there a handful of times. I never found it interesting. I do not like to be bored, so I often turn to more work."
Which defeats the purpose of downtime, but such is his life. At least work chases away his own loneliness when all the other coping mechanisms don't.
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Far more than she ever gets. It isn't just her piddling rank, Cassian's missions are often classified and she is never on the need to know basis so when he is off base, she doesn't know where he is or when he is coming back.
Work might be something of an escape for her, at least she has something to do. Something to think about instead of things she can't have.
"Do you flirt when you're bored too, Andor?"
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He opens his mouth in surprise, closes it, tries to decide how to object and finds he can't. She knows he does! She's shown up at his door when some person was awkwardly slipping out! She literally just walked up and witnessed him flirting in action! "It helps me feel relaxed sometimes."
It's often just fleeting, but it's better than nothing he supposes.
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It comes out more accusatory than intended but maybe it's because she doesn't know what she intended when the words came out in the first place. It helps him feel relaxed, why doesn't he relax with her!
She was already jealous, but now she's... hurt. Why. She knows she and Cassian are friends, she knows he relaxes with her, there is no reason to be hurt that he doesn't flirt with her too. He doesn't like her and she didn't even want him to be beholden to his actions undercover so it's not fair to ask that now.
"You don't have to answer that. I shouldn't have--"
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She's never given any sign she was interested in him that way, or maybe it never occurred to him as a possibility. People are attracted to him, he's not stupid enough to be ignorant of that. But it's Jyn. His best friend.
Someone he kissed, and who is seemingly mad he's never flirted with her before.
"Do you want me to flirt with you?"
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"I want you to relax with me."
And she wants him to flirt with her and kiss her and be with her but she can't say that, she can't ask for that because... because she can't. Because she doesn't know how. Hadder did all the work, he flirted with her for a year and she didn't notice until he outright told her that he'd been flirting with her for a year. Then he suggested kissing, he suggested more. He let Jyn decide everything, but he certainly offered her every choice.
Jyn doesn't know how to take on that role.
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"I do relax with you. I just did not know you were back yet."
She might have been right about his ability to find her, but he has not been taking advantage of it as much, thinking maybe she wanted her space and privacy.
He can't stop thinking about how appalled she sounded by the fact that he never flirted with her. Almost like her feelings were hurt by it. And there's no reason for her to be hurt unless it's something she wants from him too! His stomach sort of... flutters.
"Do you want to come inside?"
He knows they were just talking about dinner, but he thinks maybe he can get to the bottom of this once they're out of plain view sight in the hallway.
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She supposes she could just walk into the jungle and die.
"I would like to go inside." In case kissing him hadn't been a satisfactory answer.
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It might be fleeting on her part, but his head ducks down like he wants to chase after her, even though he doesn't kiss her again just yet. Even so, it still takes him a moment to move towards his room, tugging at her hand very gently while he opens the door to lead them both inside.
She looks as nervous as he suddenly feels, but maybe she's wanted to kiss him just as much all along. "Now who is doing the flirting?"
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She really hates being the one to have made the first move. What if he doesn't want... what if he never wanted... what if she made a terrible mistake and now they're going to be awkward and uncomfortable until neither of them can bear it and their friendships dissolves, blown away on a humid breeze.
She couldn't bear it.
He's her best friend.
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"I did ask you to come in," he tries with a very small, almost shy grin. He doesn't know what he wants or what might be happening, but he does know Jyn kissed him and he really wants it to be a thing. He would like the kissing to occur again.
But taking a risk on a kiss always felt dangerous when he didn't want to lose her at all. "I think if I tried to flirt now, it would just fall flat. Please stay."
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Unlike the man he'd been flirting with.
It makes her feel bold and she grabs his shirt, pulling herself in to kiss him once more. It's not as tentative, not as hesitant, there is still a question to it, an uncertainty, but it's firmer than the first. Determined.
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As soon as she grabs his shirt, Cassian knows what she's going to do, and he does nothing to stop it. He's mildly surprised by her sudden new gusto, but it isn't long before he kisses her back, trying to chase away her uncertainty with his own enthusiasm. His hands find her waist, and he tugs her in closer, enough of a grip to prove he wants this without making it impossible for her to step back if she wants. This is new territory for him! With Jyn, at least.
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Except she draws back, eyes bright, cheeks flushed, breathing hard like she's run a marathon and not simply been kissing a boy.
"And why have I got to do all the work?"
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"I never agreed to that." To her doing all the work! He didn't even know there was work to be done until today! He ducks in to brush his lips very briefly against hers. "Besides, we are going to relax. That doesn't sound like work."
He lifts his hand and cups her cheek. "I want to relax with you."
More than anyone else. He already feels more like himself with her than anyone else too.
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Like he'd been going to relax with that fellow she'd scared off by accident, by existing. Warmth floods her cheeks as his fingers brush against it, gently and familiar. He's touched her like that enough times after injuries, checking to see if she was okay and unconcussed, but it's different this time. Even if the familiarity of the gesture settles her somewhat.
This is Cassian, her best friend, he knows her better than anyone.
She sighs into a smile, turning her head slightly to kiss his fingers. "Alright. Let's relax."
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But it's Jyn.
"Okay."
And he leans in to kiss her again, still cradling her face even if the press of his lips to hers is eager and wanting. He sighs and smiles into it. Cassian has kissed many people, but it's never been quite so openly pleasant before. He feels like himself, which is a very nice change from the usual.
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It's different. It'll be different. She just has to be good and useful and indispensable and then it'll be different. It's such a childish thought but it's the one that has always been there in the back of her mind. If she'd just been a good girl, a better girl, her parents wouldn't have left. If she'd just been more useful, so useful she couldn't be left, Saw wouldn't have abandoned her. She has to keep going out with the Partisans so she doesn't jeopardize the place she has here, so they don't find a reason to tell her to leave.
But what if Cassian... no. No, she'll simply be good, better than good, and it'll do the trick this time.
She kisses him hard, determined and enthusiastic, breathing him in like oxygen.
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She's his family, and kissing her is so new. It's riskier than a one night stand, but he wants to take the risk. He just wants her.
But there is something in the undercurrent, he can't quite tell what it is, and she is overthinking even as she kisses him recklessly. He doesn't pause, but he does pull away enough to speak against her mouth, even as his fingers dig into her skin. Concern laces through his desire. "Are you okay?"
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She wants desperately to keep kissing him but instead she jerks away, pacing in a small circle in his room, wiping her hands down the front of her pants. Why isn't this easy? Cassian is her best friend, everything is usually very easy with him, they'd grown into an easy friendship full of companionable silences and conversations that don't annoy her. This should be just as easy.
But it is not because Jyn is massively overthinking every single thing.
"I'm fine," she decides. She is not fine.
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He frowns a little watching her pace, because he wants to go to her, but he's worried about crowding her, about breaking boundaries. It's so much more precious now, because she is his best friend. Because she's so terribly important to him. Usually he's the chronic overthinker, but she's clearly gunning for that title.
"I do not know if I agree with that," he says carefully, wiping his hands on his own pants, mimicking her gesture without realizing. "But I want you to be fine. More than anything else, I want us to be fine too. Please tell me."
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"Before. We kissed before on the mission and I know it wasn't real and you had to to keep our covers and you weren't doing it because you wanted to. But now." She stops pacing, looking down at a scuff on the floor. "I want it to be real. I don't want it to be just because I interrupted you and that guy. And I don't want to relax with you. Not like... I don't want it to be relaxing."
She can't sort out the words to say that she doesn't want it to be some fling where they relax and act like nothing happened and carry on with their every day lives. Jyn's not that good a liar, she won't be able to manage it. She feels like she is going to throw up because what if this is what damages their friendship so irreparably that they can't find their way back and she loses her best friend?
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He shakes his head. "It isn't - you are not a replacement for that. I have been thinking about that mission since we got back. I thought... I thought I had ruined things. I thought you were avoiding me." He kissed her and made things awkward, and he wouldn't have blamed her for that avoidance.
Even as he was terrified of losing her, he couldn't stop thinking about kissing her.
"You are my friend, Jyn, and you are important to me." His best friend. His family, really. "I want anything between us to be real."