When he feels her start silently sobbing into his chest, he doesn't want to let her go. She's just been through something so excruciating and terrifying, and his wife is just... amazing. She is the strongest person he knows, and if he can offer any kind of comfort just by holding her, he'd do it forever.
He kisses her head again, once, twice, three times, before he hears her say the name. He meets her eyes and offers a very timid smile. Aviana. It feels so perfect a name right now, alliteration or otherwise. Avie Andor, safe in her box, safe beneath the walls he designed to keep them all safe.
The kids, she says, and his chest tightens. "You need to sit," he replies, gently maneuvering her over to the bed and helping her lay down on it.
"Mateo knows where to go. Espi will have seen the fireworks and gone to him." He sits beside Jyn, brushing his fingers over her cheek. He doesn't want to leave her, but he already knows he's going to, because his children are still out there. Despite knowing the room works, he can't help but keep talking in a tone barely above a whisper. Two years of rarely using his voice aren't going to be overrun by a single room. "I am going to get them and bring them here, and they will get to meet their new sister. I promise."
The only reason Jyn doesn't fight being effectively put to bed is because of the pain. She's a bloody mess and needs to take care of that before he returns with the children but the flood of relief through her body at getting off her feet finally is too much for her to clean up now. She'll take a minute.
One minute to breathe before she has to get back to work.
"What if she didn't see them?" Jyn doesn't usually voice her biggest fears, that the same ability that saved their family -- Espi's deafness gave them a leg up communicating silently -- might cause harm to their now eldest daughter. Espi is as observant and perceptive as her father, but as reckless and stubborn as her mother. Jyn doesn't want her own influence to win out and get Espi hurt if she doesn't hear something coming.
It's his promise that sways her, in any case. Throughout their entire relationship he'd always been cautious about making promises he couldn't keep, they both had. He's promising her now and she trusts that, trusts him to do every single thing in his power to protect their babies.
He thinks he knew what she was going to ask even before it comes out, simply because it's something he's been trying not to ask himself.
Cassian winds his free hand through Jyn's, squeezing her fingers. His other hand is still cradling her face, and he gets a look of very grim determination on her face. "They were very big fireworks. We have taught her to always look around."
It's a reminder to himself too. Their eldest is all the best and worst qualities of them both, but it makes her even stronger. She can't hear, she can't tell when she's making a noise, but she knows the safe places to go. She wouldn't have strayed too far and left her mother alone.
"If she did not go to the silo, she cannot have gone far." He pulls up Jyn's hand and kisses her knuckles, closing his eyes and leaving his lips against her skin to collect himself. It's a very risky promise and he knows that, but he also knows their children. It's a plan they've gone over a million times. Espi may be stubborn and defiant, but she isn't stupid. He's confident in this promise, because the alternative is unthinkable.
"I sent her to find you," Jyn admits weakly, lifting her hand to curl around Cassian's holding hers. "Find them and come back to me."
She'll be fine until he gets back, but she can't do this on her own. She won't. That remains unspoken but she knows he knows. They'd read On The Beach together. This is not a life she is ever going to survive without Cassian and their children, she won't put Avie through that. She can't. It would be impossible to protect and raise an infant on her own in this kind of world.
She needs Cassian and their children, they have to come back to her.
He frowns, wanting to ask her why. But there's no point to the question now, it's done and over and it just wastes time. If Espi went looking for him, he hadn't seen her, which could narrow down the places she went.
He understands what she means, that unspoken implication. He grappled with it however briefly already today, when he'd thought she'd been killed by one of the creatures. The world was bleak and hopeless and impossible, and only the thought of his children stopped him from screaming right then and there.
Cassian ducks his head towards hers and kisses her sweetly, lingering not out of passion but just being close. "I love you too, Jyn Erso-Andor." He cracks a tiny smile about her name and runs his thumb over her cheek. "More than anything. They will come home to you. And so will I."
Jyn breathes out a weak smile, pushing herself up to kiss him in return, hard and determined and desperate, eschewing all of Cassian's sweetness.
"I know you will, you always have." The only stability in her entire life and he became her life. Her mother had tried and tried to teach her to trust and have faith, but it took meeting this incredible man when he was just a gangly teenage boy for her to really even understand what trust was. He always kept his promises, he always came home to her, he always made her smile when she wanted to scream. For all the horror, if she had to choose between this life with Cassian and a peaceful life without him?
She would choose Cassian every time.
"Go." She releases their clasped hands, lifting her hand to flatten her palm against his cheek, fingers splaying against the familiar scruff of his beard. "Come home soon."
There are a handful of things that always manage to remind him he is loved. The way Espi and Mateo smile at him. The way Jyn kisses him. He feels so loved in this moment, despite the uncertainty about everything surrounding them.
They are alive and together, and sometimes that's all Cassian could ask for. It's what he is fighting for. He would do it a million times, as long as it was Jyn fighting beside him.
He lets go of her very reluctantly, but leans down to kiss her forehead. "Get some rest. Please. You deserve it and more." He climbs to his feet and feels a sense of sadness at their parting, but he cannot leave Espi and Mateo out there without him. "I will see you soon."
He wants to say goodbye to Avie, but he's not sure he'd be able to leave if he looked at her now. He trusts her safety to Jyn and to the walls they made for her in the first place. Before he gets pulled into staying even longer, he moves for the ladder and very carefully opens up the trapdoor once he's sure there's nothing waiting above him.
With a final look at Jyn, he closes it shut behind him and scrambles out of the barn on silent feet.
Jyn nods, silent again. Not out of necessity this time but simply her inability to shrink how much she loves him into a handful of words. She signs I love you and presses it over her heart but it doesn't seem like enough.
She counts to thirty once he's gone, listening to make sure he's not attacked, before she gives into the avalanche of overwhelming emotions and breaks down again -- before he brings the kids back. She can't break down in front of them so she allows herself the luxury now, still stifling the sound of her sobs in the pillow out of habit. It does little to soften the well of anxiety in her belly that never seems to run out of more stress and terror, but it doesn't skim off a measure of hormonal disaster so she feels like can function on at least a basic level.
It's necessary, even if she is exhausted and in pain, she still has to be ready.
She cleans herself up, trying not to cover all of their towels in blood. She cleans and bandages her foot. She cleans Avie finally, pins a diaper on her, wraps her up in blankets and feeds her while she waits, pacing in front of Cassian's surveillance monitors, trying to spot the rest of her family.
The first thing he does is make his way back to the house to retrieve the gun. His priorities were elsewhere earlier, and the fact that Jyn and Avie are now safe below the floor means he made the right call. With the lights still red, Cassian moves quickly along the sand pathways, stopping now and then to make sure he doesn't hear anything. The house is in disarray, and neither of the kids are inside, but the silo is the most likely space. The fire isn't alight at the top, but he tells himself it's a windy night. Maybe it just couldn't stay lit.
There's a commotion at the silo when he's about halfway there, and he runs as quickly as he can. By the time he gets there, the creature is gone, and he watches as Mateo and Espi leap down from a new and giant gaping hole in the middle of it. He flies at them, gathering them in his arms and just letting himself bask for a few seconds in the fact that they're both here and alive.
Now he just needs to get them back to the barn. The trip does not go as smoothly as he might hope.
One of the creatures comes back. There's no telling what sound might have done it, or maybe it just never got very far in the first place after whatever lured it away from the silo. Keeping Espi and Mateo behind him, Cassian holds still as stone at the edge of the cornfield while it stalks around and they listen to the clicking noises it makes, like it's trying to pinpoint exactly where they are. He's almost afraid to breathe, and he can feel Mateo trembling behind him.
In the distance the corn rustles, and Cassian knows there's a second one on the way. The first one leaps onto the roof of the nearby shed and shrieks. He turns himself just enough to see his children and makes sure his hands are in Espi's line of sight.
Barn. Safe room. Espi's eyes widen and she grabs her brother's hand, her jaw tight and shaking. Cassian gestures at himself. Distraction.
Espi furiously shakes her head. Cassian grits his teeth. You must. Your mother is there. Please.
He looks up towards where he knows the camera is angled close to the shed, because he knows Jyn is watching. I love you. I'm sorry.
Mateo grabs his hand and Cassian squeezes it once, then pulls it away, looking between them both and memorizing their faces. He hands Espi the gun. Go. Now. I love you.
He doesn't wait for them to argue again, just pushes them along in the sand path before running in the opposite direction himself. He grabs one of the tools from the shed and throws it hard into the cornfield, where the sharp edge whips through the leaves and lands with a thud in the dirt.
Espi and Mateo are already halfway to the barn by the time the creature leaps from the shed's roof, hellbent on finding the sound. It whips by Cassian in the rush for the cornfield, and the claws swipe hard against his back. He tumbles to the ground and rolls into the corn.
Biting back every urge to scream, Espi lifts up a rock and throws it in the opposite direction of her father, but she doesn't stop running, doesn't stop pulling her brother behind her, their beeline for the barn quiet and quick enough to make both their parents proud.
Jyn should stay off her feet, she should lay down and recover from giving birth in traumatic circumstances less than an hour ago. She doesn't, she can't. She keeps pacing, keeps nursing, keeps watching the monitors for any sign of her family. It feels like hours, like days, that her eyes spend skating over the screens, trying to will her family alive.
She finally finds them, standing at the edge of the cornfield, sees Cassian arguing with Espi -- arguing, she knows, because she recognizes the sharp, stubborn movements of their daughter, the same defiance in her stance as when she and Jyn had argued earlier in the day. She watches, clutching their daughter, as he faces the camera.
"No." He tells her he loves her and she shakes her head, refusing to accept it. "No!" Espi and Mateo start running and Jyn still can't look away, half watching the children, half watching Cassian. She sees Cassian go down and suddenly she's running, sprinting across the basement, hurling herself and the baby out of the bulkhead to meet her children on the path.
Mateo overtakes his sister and barrels into Jyn's legs, clutching at his mother as Espi catches up, eyes widening at the tiny bundle still in her mother's arms. Jyn gestures them both further down the path toward the barn, gently taking the gun out of her daughters hands and pushing her brand new sister into her arms instead. Get back to the barn. Espi nods and it breaks Jyn's heart to see tears slipping down her cheeks, trying to offer a reassuring smile. It's weak. I'm so proud of you.
Espi's expression crumples, but she doesn't make a noise, nodding as she reaches out for Mateo's hand, pulling him back from Jyn so their mother can raise the gun as they start moving toward the barn again.
He blacks out. He's not sure for how long, all he knows is that when his eyes flutter open again, it's still nighttime, his shirt is soaked with blood, and somehow he is still alive. He doesn't dare move, no matter how much his back is in agony. He doesn't know the extent of his injury. He doesn't know if moving will make it worse and finish him off anyway.
Instead he does what he's done best for almost two years. He listens.
It's quiet.
It means his family is inside. That's the only thing he will accept. He doesn't know how the noise of his collapse went unnoticed, but he doesn't give himself time to think about something else having made a louder noise.
Biting into his lip, Cassian tries to roll onto his side, the one with the least amount of damage. It takes a very long time and searing effort given he's laying in the edge of the corn. He doesn't know how much time passes before he's sitting upright, the slow and careful process of rolling himself out of the corn and into the grass and trying to make the least amount of noise.
If he can get to the sand, he can follow the trail home. He wonders briefly if he should. What if he falls, makes a sound, lures the creatures back to the barn?
There's a screech in the distance, but it's away from the house. He can't tell how far, but it's enough to motivate him to make it to the sand. Once he's there, it just seems... easier, to somehow get himself standing now that he's on the path. He can't crawl, what if there's a dragging sound? If he's going to try and get to the house, he needs to walk there, on bare and careful feet.
He falls once and stays on the ground for a good five minutes, waiting and listening, but nothing bursts from the corn. He can't seem to stand again after, resigning himself to crawling and ignoring the smattering of blood patches in his wake while he practically drags himself that final stretch to the barn.
The children get back to the barn and Jyn ushers them back inside, closing the bulkhead behind them. Mateo starts babbling immediately, telling his mother what happened in a squeaky whisper while Jyn takes the baby from his sister to settle her in the cradle. The second her hands are free Espi starts with the same feverish explanation.
She'd seen the fireworks and ran to the silo to light the fire so Cassian would know where to find them. Her chin quivers and Jyn has to fight the urge to gather her up in her arms, but she knows that if she does that she will never let her daughter go and Jyn had a to do list running through her mind.
Espi's frantic signing continues, almost desperate. They'd been attacked, but they'd hidden and then Papa had come for them, but they'd been attacked again and Papa had made them leave, he'd given her the gun and he'd made them leave and she tried to make a noise, but but but. Her fingers still as her tears over take her and Jyn finally stops, crouches in front of her beloved first born.
You did everything right, starshine. Everything. Jyn's hand lifts briefly to touch Espi's cheek, brushing tears away with her thumb before she draws her hand back to continue. Your Papa would be so proud of you for being smart and brave, he was always proud of you. Both hands reach out to cradle her daughters face, leaning in to kiss her forehead. "You are our first love, Espi."
She pauses a moment, letting the girl soak in the comfort she so clearly needs, letting go with one hand to wave Mateo into their little huddle, dropping a kiss on his forehead as well. "I'm so proud of you both. So is Papa."
Releasing them both, Jyn straightens up abruptly, smoothing back their dark hair for a moment. I need you to look after each other, each other and your sister. Avie needs you to look after her. I'm going to the house for supplies. Do not open the doors for anything, do you understand?
The children nod in understanding, Mateo lurching in for another hug tight enough that Jyn has to physically detach him from her waist and step away. "I'll be quick, mija."
Picking up the gun again, Jyn slips out of the basement, lingering a moment to make sure that she can't hear the children inside, counting to thirty before she moves back to the house. A single gun isn't going to protect her children and she has to protect her children. Once her thirty count is over, she counts to thirty again, listening.
He doesn't think he can make it up the stairs and inside. There's not even that many of them, but the floor is a wreck from earlier when the creature tried to find them. How can be possibly navigate it without making a sound? He wants to roll over on his back while he thinks it over, but it's already a bloody, dangerous mess that letting any more dirt or grime fall into the open wound seems like a bad idea.
They're safe in the basement. He hasn't seen any more signs of a struggle. The problem now is... getting into the basement himself. He can't bang on the door. He physically can't go back to where he knows the camera is pointed. But he feels like a sitting duck if he just waits.
And then he sees Jyn coming out of the barn. His heart is going to burst with how grateful he is just to see her, alive and walking and grimly determined. But seeing her gets him to push himself back to his feet, standing up on weakened legs while he stumbles his way closer.
He can't call out. He tries to wave, but he can't lift his arm above his head without pulling at his back. Please look, he thinks, over and over and over.
She doesn't see him at first, but she's going to come back. The children are in the basement, she wouldn't leave Avie alone if they weren't there with her. All he has to do is get close enough to the barn that she'll see him on the way back, if she doesn't turn and look sooner. It's barely twenty feet, but it feels an impossible distance.
He gets over halfway there, never straying off the sand, but he falls again with a sudden sharp spike of pain. At least this time it's near the barn, even if he wishes he could have fallen more softly. It's a very quiet thud, but still a thud, and all he can do is stay still and hope it doesn't carry far.
Jyn makes quick work of their supplies, having packed enough in preparation for her labor that was not meant to happen so soon. They're already moved all the baby supplies, blankets and diapers and the sling she'd carried both the others around in. But there's Espi's clothes and Mateo's clothes, she shoves those in a bag, more clothes for herself, food, necessities. They can always come back in a few days.
She ventures carefully into the basement to grab all of Cassian's notes, closing her eyes against the tears that come from the sight of his handwriting. She doesn't have time to mourn, turning the red lights off at last. Satisfied they can last a while in the basement without having to fuss while she should be resting, Jyn retrieves the gun and begins her silent walk back to the barn.
Except there is Cassian, in the middle of the path.
Jyn races silently across the sand, kneeling down next to the fallen form of her husband. Her hands flutter over his bloodied back, biting down hard on her lip to keep silent as her fingers trace his jaw, unable to stem the waterfall of tears down her cheeks out of sheer relief that he'd come back for her. It's impossible, he shouldn't be here. Nothing survived those monsters, they had both seem stronger, fitter men go down in a flurry of claws and teeth, but Cassian is alive and breathing.
And she needs to get him down to the basement immediately. Rocking back on her heels, she moves forward to curl her hand under his arm, urging him to his feet. She doesn't have time to triage his injuries and she knows it is going to hurt, but they can't stay outside like this.
He probably lays there longer than he needs to, but part of that is just how tired he is. How much the pain sears through his spine. He closes his eyes, focusing on his breathing, on keeping it steady and quiet and just hoping his wife comes by soon.
They're so used to moving around in the silence, that he doesn't notice Jyn is there until she kneels beside him and touches him. Her fingers on his jaw are achingly familiar. He tries to roll over again to see her, but she's too busy pulling him to his feet.
It's as painful as she assumed, but he just thinks about Jyn giving birth in a bathtub and it doesn't matter. He trusts her, he loves her, he can't do this himself and he doesn't care how she manhandles him. He does his best to climb upward, even if he's worried about putting too much weight on her, because there's no way she's gotten enough rest yet to rebuild her full strength. He drops his arm around her shoulders and follows her lead.
His eyes are watery, but he's not sure if it's because of how much everything hurts or the fact that Jyn is here with him, that they're all going to be okay.
I love you he wants to say, over and over and over, but he can't say anything until they're both safely back into the basement.
Jyn seems relatively unbothered by any weight her has on her, but she's also pulled apart two silently fighting children when she was nine months pregnant so some of Cassian's weight isn't much of a big deal. It feels too slow, too slow and too loud even if they aren't making any noise. Every step feels like it takes an eternity, fingers curled so tightly around the gun that her knuckles turn white.
They make it to the barn, together, Jyn careful to keep him from knocking into anything. She releases him only for as long as it takes to heave the bulkhead open, holding it open with shaking arms as she helps him down the stairs, closing it behind them both and helping Cassian sit on the last couple of steps before she stops.
There's always that moment when they just
stop.
She counts to ten, but she only gets to three when the children see their father and abandon their baby sister to run over to him, both already blubbering messes even before they get close enough to throw themselves at their Papa. Jyn knows she should stop them, he's honestly too injured, but she sinks down next to Cassian on the steps and closes her eyes, thanking everything that her family is alive.
It's the opposite of his mad rush earlier to get her downstairs, the way the creature was on their heels. Slow, steady, silent. His feet are unsteady as Jyn carries him down. He goes down without hesitation when she settles him on the stairs, because he's made it this far, it honestly doesn't matter what happens next. She's with him.
She stops, and so does he, and for those three seconds, Cassian just looks at her. His wonderful, beautiful, unstoppable wife, and he doesn't need to say anything right now to prove he's madly in love with her still.
Espi and Mateo fly at him, and he opens his arms without thinking, holding them close even as the force of their hug pushes him backward. He cringes when the step hits his back, but doesn't let them go, feeling the waterworks really let loose. How can he possibly let them go, when they all thought he had died? He'd been more than willing to die for them, but he's so very glad he didn't.
His grip on them weakens though, just because he himself is so weak. Espi notices immediately, then soon notices how bloody he is. She pulls Mateo back in alarm, and Cassian can't fight it as much as he wants to keep holding them, tilting sideways and letting his head drop to Jyn's shoulder.
I'm sorry, he manages to say, signing instead of speaking just to make sure Espi gets the message too.
All she ever wanted was a place where she felt like she belonged and she had found it in Cassian, found it in their family, their home, the life they built for each other, together. It feels so fragile now, he feels so fragile, that she wants to scream, again.
Instead she instructs her children to gather the already blood stained towels, to find the first aid kit, to find the bottle of Mama and Papa's tequila that they were saving for their anniversary -- though that is how Avie came into this world so maybe next time no more tequila. Mateo finds the little bottle first and once Jyn's twisted open the cap, she passes it to her husband.
"Drink. This is going to hurt."
Like, a lot. His shirts are probably embedded into the gashes along with dirt and sand, she needs to clean the wounds before she can dress them, it's going to be the most painful thing their children have witnessed up close and as much as she wishes she could shield them both from this, Jyn knows she can't wait any longer to attend to Cassian. Everything else is going to have to wait until she is done with him.
Espi spreads the towels on the floor where Jyn tells her, fetching a pillow when she realizes that Cassian is going to be laying on those towels, tucking it under so it doesn't get covered in blood, too. Mateo sets the first aid kit down and tugs on Jyn's sweater, signing a plaintive plea for dinner. God, they must both be starving and it isn't like she had time to cook. No one brought fish home this evening.
Espi, help your Papa lay down. Extracting herself from Cassian, she rummages around in the bag and hands him leftovers, pushing herself up from the steps finally with a wince that pulls the softest gasp, leading Mateo back to sit near the sleeping infant. Share with Espi, please. Do not share with Avie, she's too small.
In case he got ahead of himself being helpful.
Swapping places with her daughter, she kneels down next to her husband. "We had sickness and health in our vows, I recall no mention of grievous bodily injury."
He feels so useless, watching and listening to them all scramble around for his sake. He should be doing more. He's literally got holes and gashes in his skin but it doesn't seem like it should be anything that stops him. His wife just had a baby!
They were saving tequila, but there's no point if he doesn't make it to their next anniversary at all. He wants to. Mateo scoots up next to him to help him hold up the bottle, and he drains half of it. It already hurts like a motherfucker, and it's only going to get worse. He takes a few mores sips for good luck.
Espi helps him down to the towels when he's finished and he does his best not to put all his weight on her, but it's a very stilted effort. His strength is sapping, he doesn't even know how he made it as close to the barn as he did. She's gentle with him, and the moment he lays on his stomach, Cassian wants to stay there for at least a decade. It's such a relief to be off his legs and waist.
He smiles at his daughter and squeezes her hand. You are so brave, he manages. She clings and stays at his side until Jyn nudges her way in, and he laughs in spite of himself when he hears her voice, in spite of the way it hurts his abdomen. "I thought about including it before going with the extra sap instead. Your favorite."
His laughter is good, honestly, because Espi can feel it and Jyn can see the way she relaxes. If her father can laugh, he'll be fine. Your Papa has always thought he was funny.
Emphasis on thought.
Espi bites back a smile, still holding Cassian's hand tightly.
You can stay and help or stay with your brother. Espi doesn't move and Jyn doesn't push her to, glancing at Cassian to gauge his reaction to their daughter's choice. Espi has always been something of a Daddy's girl, just like her mother, and honestly, Jyn can't begrudge her that. She also loves Cassian more than anything.
"I cannot stress enough how much this is going to hurt, Cassian." She really wants him to be ready because they don't have more fireworks, he can't scream.
He would keep laughing if he could, if it meant getting Espi to continue to relax. His hand shakes a little in hers, because he doesn't want her to stay, he doesn't want her to see whatever happens next, but there is a comfort in holding her hand. For all the times he's offered it to her, she's giving it to him now in droves. Maybe it's selfish to allow her to stay for his own sake, but he's always wanted to emphasize her ability to make her own choices too.
"Give me something to bite down on." He's probably never going to be fully ready. Noise is acceptable down here, but only in small levels, in hushed voices. He doesn't trust a scream, that's why there's a baby box.
"I'll be fine," he says, regardless of how not fine this all ends up being. Mateo gestures at the pile of clothes, but his hands are full of food and baby and he isn't quite sure what would work best regardless for his father's request.
"Stop flirting with me," Jyn teases, passing Espi one of the washcloths to offer to her father. It's the best they can do and she doesn't want to be cleaning up broken teeth at the end of this either.
Scissors in her lap, Jyn leans over enough to kiss his temple and whisper in Cassian's ear: "Promise me you'll still love me when this is over."
She knows he will, but she wants to hear it before all she can hear is his pain at her hands. She wants to hold on to that promise. She's lucky that she's never been bothered by blood or injuries, she can turn off the part of her that worries in order to take care of whatever needs to be taken care of, but it's never been this bad before. She knows she won't struggle when it comes down to actually doing the work of cleaning out Cassian's injuries and treating them.
It's getting started that she's having difficulty with.
"Impossible," he says easily. He takes the washcloth from his daughter and winds it up into more of a roll.
Cassian closes his eyes when Jyn kisses him. He knows this is going to be awful all around, he knows she can handle it, he knows she needs that final push to start.
"I trust you with my life. There is nothing that would stop me from being in love with you, Jyn." He knows she knows that too, but it's never something he has an issue with repeating. "I promise."
He swallows, then shoves the washcloth in his mouth, making sure it's not going to slip up and cause him to bite down on himself instead. He squeezes Espi's hand, then nods once at his wife. The sooner it starts, the sooner it's over.
"Why did I marry such a sentimental loser?" She hums a contented little noise, another kiss pressed to his cheek before she straightens up. Okay. She can do this, she's done worse things. She hasn't. Childbirth feels like a breeze compared to this, but it's going to be worse the longer she waits so she just has to
snip.
His pour shirt is going to be rags, and she tries to make quick work of it, cutting it up to the collar before she starts the awful work of peeling it from his bloodied back. She keeps telling herself it could be worse -- not even that he could be dead, but the injuries themselves could be worse. He smells fine, like blood, of course, but it doesn't smell sour or off. It's not foaming or pus-filled. It's not infected, yet, and if she can clean it out well enough and stitch up most of the wounds, he should be fine.
He will be fine.
He has to be fine.
He passes out not long into the ordeal and Jyn breathes a sigh of relief, ordering Espi away to eat her own dinner and clean herself up. Make the bed for her and her brother, Cassian doesn't need his hand held anymore. She did good, she did wonderful, she did perfectly. Everything right. It takes a few hours, honestly, before Jyn is satisfied with the stitches and the dressings. They're not completely closed up, she wants them to breathe and she wants to be able to make sure there is no infection growing as the days progress, but enough.
Eventually though, she's done. Mateo's fallen asleep on the bed and Espi's only awake next to him out of stubbornness, wanting to make sure her father wakes up. Jyn won't begrudge her that, nursing Avie in her arms as she sits next to Cassian, eyes closed as she slumps against the wall.
No amount of bracing himself really prepares him for the escalation of pain that follows. He tries very hard not to squeeze too hard on Espi's fingers, but he knows it happens regardless because he is essentially blinded to anything else, biting down on the washcloth so tightly he worries it's going to break. It doesn't. He just passes out instead, not very long into it.
He is safe in his wife's arms and he's already used enough adrenaline to get himself back to the barn. It lets Jyn work much more easily at least. He doesn't have to stay awake anymore.
He sleeps through for another hour or so even after she finishes, and it's only the soft sound of her singing that lulls him awake. He blinks into consciousness, focusing solely on her voice. It takes him listening through a handful of lines before he realizes she's singing to Avie, presumably singing her to sleep, and despite everything it makes him smile. They haven't gotten to do that in so long that it almost feels like he's still dreaming, if it weren't for the dull pain still in his back.
Cassian tilts his head enough to see her sitting beside him, waiting till he can catch her eye. "Hi."
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ohnofeelstho2018-04-12 11:54 pm
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He kisses her head again, once, twice, three times, before he hears her say the name. He meets her eyes and offers a very timid smile. Aviana. It feels so perfect a name right now, alliteration or otherwise. Avie Andor, safe in her box, safe beneath the walls he designed to keep them all safe.
The kids, she says, and his chest tightens. "You need to sit," he replies, gently maneuvering her over to the bed and helping her lay down on it.
"Mateo knows where to go. Espi will have seen the fireworks and gone to him." He sits beside Jyn, brushing his fingers over her cheek. He doesn't want to leave her, but he already knows he's going to, because his children are still out there. Despite knowing the room works, he can't help but keep talking in a tone barely above a whisper. Two years of rarely using his voice aren't going to be overrun by a single room. "I am going to get them and bring them here, and they will get to meet their new sister. I promise."
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One minute to breathe before she has to get back to work.
"What if she didn't see them?" Jyn doesn't usually voice her biggest fears, that the same ability that saved their family -- Espi's deafness gave them a leg up communicating silently -- might cause harm to their now eldest daughter. Espi is as observant and perceptive as her father, but as reckless and stubborn as her mother. Jyn doesn't want her own influence to win out and get Espi hurt if she doesn't hear something coming.
It's his promise that sways her, in any case. Throughout their entire relationship he'd always been cautious about making promises he couldn't keep, they both had. He's promising her now and she trusts that, trusts him to do every single thing in his power to protect their babies.
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Cassian winds his free hand through Jyn's, squeezing her fingers. His other hand is still cradling her face, and he gets a look of very grim determination on her face. "They were very big fireworks. We have taught her to always look around."
It's a reminder to himself too. Their eldest is all the best and worst qualities of them both, but it makes her even stronger. She can't hear, she can't tell when she's making a noise, but she knows the safe places to go. She wouldn't have strayed too far and left her mother alone.
"If she did not go to the silo, she cannot have gone far." He pulls up Jyn's hand and kisses her knuckles, closing his eyes and leaving his lips against her skin to collect himself. It's a very risky promise and he knows that, but he also knows their children. It's a plan they've gone over a million times. Espi may be stubborn and defiant, but she isn't stupid. He's confident in this promise, because the alternative is unthinkable.
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She'll be fine until he gets back, but she can't do this on her own. She won't. That remains unspoken but she knows he knows. They'd read On The Beach together. This is not a life she is ever going to survive without Cassian and their children, she won't put Avie through that. She can't. It would be impossible to protect and raise an infant on her own in this kind of world.
She needs Cassian and their children, they have to come back to her.
"I love you, Cassian Andor."
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He understands what she means, that unspoken implication. He grappled with it however briefly already today, when he'd thought she'd been killed by one of the creatures. The world was bleak and hopeless and impossible, and only the thought of his children stopped him from screaming right then and there.
Cassian ducks his head towards hers and kisses her sweetly, lingering not out of passion but just being close. "I love you too, Jyn Erso-Andor." He cracks a tiny smile about her name and runs his thumb over her cheek. "More than anything. They will come home to you. And so will I."
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"I know you will, you always have." The only stability in her entire life and he became her life. Her mother had tried and tried to teach her to trust and have faith, but it took meeting this incredible man when he was just a gangly teenage boy for her to really even understand what trust was. He always kept his promises, he always came home to her, he always made her smile when she wanted to scream. For all the horror, if she had to choose between this life with Cassian and a peaceful life without him?
She would choose Cassian every time.
"Go." She releases their clasped hands, lifting her hand to flatten her palm against his cheek, fingers splaying against the familiar scruff of his beard. "Come home soon."
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They are alive and together, and sometimes that's all Cassian could ask for. It's what he is fighting for. He would do it a million times, as long as it was Jyn fighting beside him.
He lets go of her very reluctantly, but leans down to kiss her forehead. "Get some rest. Please. You deserve it and more." He climbs to his feet and feels a sense of sadness at their parting, but he cannot leave Espi and Mateo out there without him. "I will see you soon."
He wants to say goodbye to Avie, but he's not sure he'd be able to leave if he looked at her now. He trusts her safety to Jyn and to the walls they made for her in the first place. Before he gets pulled into staying even longer, he moves for the ladder and very carefully opens up the trapdoor once he's sure there's nothing waiting above him.
With a final look at Jyn, he closes it shut behind him and scrambles out of the barn on silent feet.
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She counts to thirty once he's gone, listening to make sure he's not attacked, before she gives into the avalanche of overwhelming emotions and breaks down again -- before he brings the kids back. She can't break down in front of them so she allows herself the luxury now, still stifling the sound of her sobs in the pillow out of habit. It does little to soften the well of anxiety in her belly that never seems to run out of more stress and terror, but it doesn't skim off a measure of hormonal disaster so she feels like can function on at least a basic level.
It's necessary, even if she is exhausted and in pain, she still has to be ready.
She cleans herself up, trying not to cover all of their towels in blood. She cleans and bandages her foot. She cleans Avie finally, pins a diaper on her, wraps her up in blankets and feeds her while she waits, pacing in front of Cassian's surveillance monitors, trying to spot the rest of her family.
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There's a commotion at the silo when he's about halfway there, and he runs as quickly as he can. By the time he gets there, the creature is gone, and he watches as Mateo and Espi leap down from a new and giant gaping hole in the middle of it. He flies at them, gathering them in his arms and just letting himself bask for a few seconds in the fact that they're both here and alive.
Now he just needs to get them back to the barn. The trip does not go as smoothly as he might hope.
One of the creatures comes back. There's no telling what sound might have done it, or maybe it just never got very far in the first place after whatever lured it away from the silo. Keeping Espi and Mateo behind him, Cassian holds still as stone at the edge of the cornfield while it stalks around and they listen to the clicking noises it makes, like it's trying to pinpoint exactly where they are. He's almost afraid to breathe, and he can feel Mateo trembling behind him.
In the distance the corn rustles, and Cassian knows there's a second one on the way. The first one leaps onto the roof of the nearby shed and shrieks. He turns himself just enough to see his children and makes sure his hands are in Espi's line of sight.
Barn. Safe room. Espi's eyes widen and she grabs her brother's hand, her jaw tight and shaking. Cassian gestures at himself. Distraction.
Espi furiously shakes her head. Cassian grits his teeth. You must. Your mother is there. Please.
He looks up towards where he knows the camera is angled close to the shed, because he knows Jyn is watching. I love you. I'm sorry.
Mateo grabs his hand and Cassian squeezes it once, then pulls it away, looking between them both and memorizing their faces. He hands Espi the gun. Go. Now. I love you.
He doesn't wait for them to argue again, just pushes them along in the sand path before running in the opposite direction himself. He grabs one of the tools from the shed and throws it hard into the cornfield, where the sharp edge whips through the leaves and lands with a thud in the dirt.
Espi and Mateo are already halfway to the barn by the time the creature leaps from the shed's roof, hellbent on finding the sound. It whips by Cassian in the rush for the cornfield, and the claws swipe hard against his back. He tumbles to the ground and rolls into the corn.
Biting back every urge to scream, Espi lifts up a rock and throws it in the opposite direction of her father, but she doesn't stop running, doesn't stop pulling her brother behind her, their beeline for the barn quiet and quick enough to make both their parents proud.
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She finally finds them, standing at the edge of the cornfield, sees Cassian arguing with Espi -- arguing, she knows, because she recognizes the sharp, stubborn movements of their daughter, the same defiance in her stance as when she and Jyn had argued earlier in the day. She watches, clutching their daughter, as he faces the camera.
"No." He tells her he loves her and she shakes her head, refusing to accept it. "No!" Espi and Mateo start running and Jyn still can't look away, half watching the children, half watching Cassian. She sees Cassian go down and suddenly she's running, sprinting across the basement, hurling herself and the baby out of the bulkhead to meet her children on the path.
Mateo overtakes his sister and barrels into Jyn's legs, clutching at his mother as Espi catches up, eyes widening at the tiny bundle still in her mother's arms. Jyn gestures them both further down the path toward the barn, gently taking the gun out of her daughters hands and pushing her brand new sister into her arms instead. Get back to the barn. Espi nods and it breaks Jyn's heart to see tears slipping down her cheeks, trying to offer a reassuring smile. It's weak. I'm so proud of you.
Espi's expression crumples, but she doesn't make a noise, nodding as she reaches out for Mateo's hand, pulling him back from Jyn so their mother can raise the gun as they start moving toward the barn again.
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Instead he does what he's done best for almost two years. He listens.
It's quiet.
It means his family is inside. That's the only thing he will accept. He doesn't know how the noise of his collapse went unnoticed, but he doesn't give himself time to think about something else having made a louder noise.
Biting into his lip, Cassian tries to roll onto his side, the one with the least amount of damage. It takes a very long time and searing effort given he's laying in the edge of the corn. He doesn't know how much time passes before he's sitting upright, the slow and careful process of rolling himself out of the corn and into the grass and trying to make the least amount of noise.
If he can get to the sand, he can follow the trail home. He wonders briefly if he should. What if he falls, makes a sound, lures the creatures back to the barn?
There's a screech in the distance, but it's away from the house. He can't tell how far, but it's enough to motivate him to make it to the sand. Once he's there, it just seems... easier, to somehow get himself standing now that he's on the path. He can't crawl, what if there's a dragging sound? If he's going to try and get to the house, he needs to walk there, on bare and careful feet.
He falls once and stays on the ground for a good five minutes, waiting and listening, but nothing bursts from the corn. He can't seem to stand again after, resigning himself to crawling and ignoring the smattering of blood patches in his wake while he practically drags himself that final stretch to the barn.
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She'd seen the fireworks and ran to the silo to light the fire so Cassian would know where to find them. Her chin quivers and Jyn has to fight the urge to gather her up in her arms, but she knows that if she does that she will never let her daughter go and Jyn had a to do list running through her mind.
Espi's frantic signing continues, almost desperate. They'd been attacked, but they'd hidden and then Papa had come for them, but they'd been attacked again and Papa had made them leave, he'd given her the gun and he'd made them leave and she tried to make a noise, but but but. Her fingers still as her tears over take her and Jyn finally stops, crouches in front of her beloved first born.
You did everything right, starshine. Everything. Jyn's hand lifts briefly to touch Espi's cheek, brushing tears away with her thumb before she draws her hand back to continue. Your Papa would be so proud of you for being smart and brave, he was always proud of you. Both hands reach out to cradle her daughters face, leaning in to kiss her forehead. "You are our first love, Espi."
She pauses a moment, letting the girl soak in the comfort she so clearly needs, letting go with one hand to wave Mateo into their little huddle, dropping a kiss on his forehead as well. "I'm so proud of you both. So is Papa."
Releasing them both, Jyn straightens up abruptly, smoothing back their dark hair for a moment. I need you to look after each other, each other and your sister. Avie needs you to look after her. I'm going to the house for supplies. Do not open the doors for anything, do you understand?
The children nod in understanding, Mateo lurching in for another hug tight enough that Jyn has to physically detach him from her waist and step away. "I'll be quick, mija."
Picking up the gun again, Jyn slips out of the basement, lingering a moment to make sure that she can't hear the children inside, counting to thirty before she moves back to the house. A single gun isn't going to protect her children and she has to protect her children. Once her thirty count is over, she counts to thirty again, listening.
Just listening.
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They're safe in the basement. He hasn't seen any more signs of a struggle. The problem now is... getting into the basement himself. He can't bang on the door. He physically can't go back to where he knows the camera is pointed. But he feels like a sitting duck if he just waits.
And then he sees Jyn coming out of the barn. His heart is going to burst with how grateful he is just to see her, alive and walking and grimly determined. But seeing her gets him to push himself back to his feet, standing up on weakened legs while he stumbles his way closer.
He can't call out. He tries to wave, but he can't lift his arm above his head without pulling at his back. Please look, he thinks, over and over and over.
She doesn't see him at first, but she's going to come back. The children are in the basement, she wouldn't leave Avie alone if they weren't there with her. All he has to do is get close enough to the barn that she'll see him on the way back, if she doesn't turn and look sooner. It's barely twenty feet, but it feels an impossible distance.
He gets over halfway there, never straying off the sand, but he falls again with a sudden sharp spike of pain. At least this time it's near the barn, even if he wishes he could have fallen more softly. It's a very quiet thud, but still a thud, and all he can do is stay still and hope it doesn't carry far.
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She ventures carefully into the basement to grab all of Cassian's notes, closing her eyes against the tears that come from the sight of his handwriting. She doesn't have time to mourn, turning the red lights off at last. Satisfied they can last a while in the basement without having to fuss while she should be resting, Jyn retrieves the gun and begins her silent walk back to the barn.
Except there is Cassian, in the middle of the path.
Jyn races silently across the sand, kneeling down next to the fallen form of her husband. Her hands flutter over his bloodied back, biting down hard on her lip to keep silent as her fingers trace his jaw, unable to stem the waterfall of tears down her cheeks out of sheer relief that he'd come back for her. It's impossible, he shouldn't be here. Nothing survived those monsters, they had both seem stronger, fitter men go down in a flurry of claws and teeth, but Cassian is alive and breathing.
And she needs to get him down to the basement immediately. Rocking back on her heels, she moves forward to curl her hand under his arm, urging him to his feet. She doesn't have time to triage his injuries and she knows it is going to hurt, but they can't stay outside like this.
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They're so used to moving around in the silence, that he doesn't notice Jyn is there until she kneels beside him and touches him. Her fingers on his jaw are achingly familiar. He tries to roll over again to see her, but she's too busy pulling him to his feet.
It's as painful as she assumed, but he just thinks about Jyn giving birth in a bathtub and it doesn't matter. He trusts her, he loves her, he can't do this himself and he doesn't care how she manhandles him. He does his best to climb upward, even if he's worried about putting too much weight on her, because there's no way she's gotten enough rest yet to rebuild her full strength. He drops his arm around her shoulders and follows her lead.
His eyes are watery, but he's not sure if it's because of how much everything hurts or the fact that Jyn is here with him, that they're all going to be okay.
I love you he wants to say, over and over and over, but he can't say anything until they're both safely back into the basement.
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They make it to the barn, together, Jyn careful to keep him from knocking into anything. She releases him only for as long as it takes to heave the bulkhead open, holding it open with shaking arms as she helps him down the stairs, closing it behind them both and helping Cassian sit on the last couple of steps before she stops.
There's always that moment when they just
stop.
She counts to ten, but she only gets to three when the children see their father and abandon their baby sister to run over to him, both already blubbering messes even before they get close enough to throw themselves at their Papa. Jyn knows she should stop them, he's honestly too injured, but she sinks down next to Cassian on the steps and closes her eyes, thanking everything that her family is alive.
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She stops, and so does he, and for those three seconds, Cassian just looks at her. His wonderful, beautiful, unstoppable wife, and he doesn't need to say anything right now to prove he's madly in love with her still.
Espi and Mateo fly at him, and he opens his arms without thinking, holding them close even as the force of their hug pushes him backward. He cringes when the step hits his back, but doesn't let them go, feeling the waterworks really let loose. How can he possibly let them go, when they all thought he had died? He'd been more than willing to die for them, but he's so very glad he didn't.
His grip on them weakens though, just because he himself is so weak. Espi notices immediately, then soon notices how bloody he is. She pulls Mateo back in alarm, and Cassian can't fight it as much as he wants to keep holding them, tilting sideways and letting his head drop to Jyn's shoulder.
I'm sorry, he manages to say, signing instead of speaking just to make sure Espi gets the message too.
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Instead she instructs her children to gather the already blood stained towels, to find the first aid kit, to find the bottle of Mama and Papa's tequila that they were saving for their anniversary -- though that is how Avie came into this world so maybe next time no more tequila. Mateo finds the little bottle first and once Jyn's twisted open the cap, she passes it to her husband.
"Drink. This is going to hurt."
Like, a lot. His shirts are probably embedded into the gashes along with dirt and sand, she needs to clean the wounds before she can dress them, it's going to be the most painful thing their children have witnessed up close and as much as she wishes she could shield them both from this, Jyn knows she can't wait any longer to attend to Cassian. Everything else is going to have to wait until she is done with him.
Espi spreads the towels on the floor where Jyn tells her, fetching a pillow when she realizes that Cassian is going to be laying on those towels, tucking it under so it doesn't get covered in blood, too. Mateo sets the first aid kit down and tugs on Jyn's sweater, signing a plaintive plea for dinner. God, they must both be starving and it isn't like she had time to cook. No one brought fish home this evening.
Espi, help your Papa lay down. Extracting herself from Cassian, she rummages around in the bag and hands him leftovers, pushing herself up from the steps finally with a wince that pulls the softest gasp, leading Mateo back to sit near the sleeping infant. Share with Espi, please. Do not share with Avie, she's too small.
In case he got ahead of himself being helpful.
Swapping places with her daughter, she kneels down next to her husband. "We had sickness and health in our vows, I recall no mention of grievous bodily injury."
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They were saving tequila, but there's no point if he doesn't make it to their next anniversary at all. He wants to. Mateo scoots up next to him to help him hold up the bottle, and he drains half of it. It already hurts like a motherfucker, and it's only going to get worse. He takes a few mores sips for good luck.
Espi helps him down to the towels when he's finished and he does his best not to put all his weight on her, but it's a very stilted effort. His strength is sapping, he doesn't even know how he made it as close to the barn as he did. She's gentle with him, and the moment he lays on his stomach, Cassian wants to stay there for at least a decade. It's such a relief to be off his legs and waist.
He smiles at his daughter and squeezes her hand. You are so brave, he manages. She clings and stays at his side until Jyn nudges her way in, and he laughs in spite of himself when he hears her voice, in spite of the way it hurts his abdomen. "I thought about including it before going with the extra sap instead. Your favorite."
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Emphasis on thought.
Espi bites back a smile, still holding Cassian's hand tightly.
You can stay and help or stay with your brother. Espi doesn't move and Jyn doesn't push her to, glancing at Cassian to gauge his reaction to their daughter's choice. Espi has always been something of a Daddy's girl, just like her mother, and honestly, Jyn can't begrudge her that. She also loves Cassian more than anything.
"I cannot stress enough how much this is going to hurt, Cassian." She really wants him to be ready because they don't have more fireworks, he can't scream.
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"Give me something to bite down on." He's probably never going to be fully ready. Noise is acceptable down here, but only in small levels, in hushed voices. He doesn't trust a scream, that's why there's a baby box.
"I'll be fine," he says, regardless of how not fine this all ends up being. Mateo gestures at the pile of clothes, but his hands are full of food and baby and he isn't quite sure what would work best regardless for his father's request.
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Scissors in her lap, Jyn leans over enough to kiss his temple and whisper in Cassian's ear: "Promise me you'll still love me when this is over."
She knows he will, but she wants to hear it before all she can hear is his pain at her hands. She wants to hold on to that promise. She's lucky that she's never been bothered by blood or injuries, she can turn off the part of her that worries in order to take care of whatever needs to be taken care of, but it's never been this bad before. She knows she won't struggle when it comes down to actually doing the work of cleaning out Cassian's injuries and treating them.
It's getting started that she's having difficulty with.
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Cassian closes his eyes when Jyn kisses him. He knows this is going to be awful all around, he knows she can handle it, he knows she needs that final push to start.
"I trust you with my life. There is nothing that would stop me from being in love with you, Jyn." He knows she knows that too, but it's never something he has an issue with repeating. "I promise."
He swallows, then shoves the washcloth in his mouth, making sure it's not going to slip up and cause him to bite down on himself instead. He squeezes Espi's hand, then nods once at his wife. The sooner it starts, the sooner it's over.
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snip.
His pour shirt is going to be rags, and she tries to make quick work of it, cutting it up to the collar before she starts the awful work of peeling it from his bloodied back. She keeps telling herself it could be worse -- not even that he could be dead, but the injuries themselves could be worse. He smells fine, like blood, of course, but it doesn't smell sour or off. It's not foaming or pus-filled. It's not infected, yet, and if she can clean it out well enough and stitch up most of the wounds, he should be fine.
He will be fine.
He has to be fine.
He passes out not long into the ordeal and Jyn breathes a sigh of relief, ordering Espi away to eat her own dinner and clean herself up. Make the bed for her and her brother, Cassian doesn't need his hand held anymore. She did good, she did wonderful, she did perfectly. Everything right. It takes a few hours, honestly, before Jyn is satisfied with the stitches and the dressings. They're not completely closed up, she wants them to breathe and she wants to be able to make sure there is no infection growing as the days progress, but enough.
Eventually though, she's done. Mateo's fallen asleep on the bed and Espi's only awake next to him out of stubbornness, wanting to make sure her father wakes up. Jyn won't begrudge her that, nursing Avie in her arms as she sits next to Cassian, eyes closed as she slumps against the wall.
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He is safe in his wife's arms and he's already used enough adrenaline to get himself back to the barn. It lets Jyn work much more easily at least. He doesn't have to stay awake anymore.
He sleeps through for another hour or so even after she finishes, and it's only the soft sound of her singing that lulls him awake. He blinks into consciousness, focusing solely on her voice. It takes him listening through a handful of lines before he realizes she's singing to Avie, presumably singing her to sleep, and despite everything it makes him smile. They haven't gotten to do that in so long that it almost feels like he's still dreaming, if it weren't for the dull pain still in his back.
Cassian tilts his head enough to see her sitting beside him, waiting till he can catch her eye. "Hi."
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