It's not a long kiss, but it's enough to rejuvenate his energy. It feels like hope, especially when he feels the tiny movements of the baby between them. Hope and a rekindled need to get her to the basement, before the aforementioned baby grows too loud. He has so many things he wants to ask her, but she beats him to the most important question of all.
Some of the relief edges away as worry slips in when she asks about the children. She doesn't know where Espi is. He'd thought maybe she was hiding away, that Jyn had sent her elsewhere once the creature came to the house. He brushes some of the hair from her face, then pulls back one of his own hands to sign two words. Him. Rocket.
There's a puzzled screech from outside, but he knows not even that would be enough to distract Jyn from the fact that he hasn't mentioned their daughter. The baby gives off the tiniest of whines under the blankets and Cassian stiffens.
He lets go of her to use both hands to speak next, keeping his body leaning in close and trying to swallow down the panic that neither of them know where Espi is. We can't stay here.
He knows her too well, eyes filling with mingled horror and dread. Mateo should be safe, her baby, but what about their first born? Their stubborn, difficult little girl who was so determined to be exactly herself that half the parenting books on their shelves were devoted to her.
Easy to Love, Difficult to Discipline. The Strong Willed Child. Scream Free Parenting. The last one still surprisingly relevant.
They can't stay, he's right, and Jyn doesn't bother fighting him, curling her arm tighter around the impossibly small infant as she braces her other hand on the door frame, wincing as she struggles to her feet, feeling pain explode around her midsection. It at least dulls the pain from her foot, so that's always nice. Especially considering the happy hormones that make childbirth a fuzzy, gauzy memory of only the happiness of holding her precious baby are nowhere to be found.
Two hands are necessary to ask for help, but the way Jyn tips into Cassian, forehead pressing against his shoulder is sign enough that there is no way in hell she is going to be able to go quietly.
He wants to kiss her again to erase that look on her face, but there's no time, and he knows his own is mirroring it. He thinks about Espi, and offers three quick words: she is smart. It's as much for himself as it is for her. Their beautiful daughter is clever and amazing, and he has to believe she's safe. If she saw the fireworks, she would go meet up with her brother.
Watching the way Jyn winces in pain, Cassian springs to action. There's no way this is going to happen easily, he knows that, just like there's no way she's going to be able to move without sound. She probably only made it from the tub to the shower because of the fireworks.
As quietly as he can, he maneuvers himself around and wedges his arms around hers and her back. He helps her to her feet, slowly, carefully, and somehow he manages to get her up without any noise. He doesn't help her out of the shower. He lifts her out of it. Once he's standing on the bathroom floor with Jyn and baby in his arms, he spares a moment to just... hold her. He avoids her midsection as best he can, scooping his arms around her shoulders and legs.
But it's only a moment. He kisses her temple and carries his wife and baby out of the bathroom, heart pounding while he listens. Always listening, always on guard.
The baby whines again, tiny little hungry sounds, and Cassian moves a little faster, slipping down the stairs in silence as quickly as he can without hurting Jyn. It's going to carry. The fireworks have ended, though he isn't sure when, the sounds of their newborn are now the loudest. He tiptoes towards the door and outside, where the lights are still red, leading the way across the sand path towards the barn with their special soundproof basement.
Its not far. They can do this. He can do this, he can get her there, then find Espi and Mateo.
Jyn has always been grateful for her husband, he literally taught her to love, he knows everything about her and they're still best friends. They quite honestly had to get married because they were it for each other. But right now, in pain and bloody and trying not to sob from the sheer terror of being separated from her children whilst trying to protect a new child, she has never been more grateful for her husband who planned for everything, plans on plans on plans on plans.
Espi is smart, she knows what to do because they'd taught her what to do and they'd taught Mateo and even if Espi didn't go to the silo for her own good, she would always go to protect her brother. Jyn has to believe in that.
She tries to be less of a dead weight against Cassian but the reality isn't quite so easy. She knows the baby is hungry, needing to eat, but she can't exactly maneuver to feed at the moment, try as she might. She can't do it at least without pulling back more of the blankets and what little is peeled back for air is already too much, too loud. All she can do is hope that the movement of Cassian carrying them both will be as soothing as being rocked and the baby will fall asleep, but that doesn't seem to be how this day is going to go. This day is going to wring her dry.
Their children are smart and brave and wonderful, just like their father, they will protect each other and they will all come back to her. They have to, they must.
He spends the time between two thoughts: keeping Jyn safe in his arms and doing his best not to jostle her, and all the steps he needs to take to get them all into that basement before the creatures reach them. He can't do anything for Espi and Mateo until Jyn and the baby are safe first. Cassian had no real family growing up. Jyn became his family, became the most important person in his life. Now there are several most important someones, in a family with a wife and children he never dreamed possible. And while he's always known he'd do anything for them, he never expected it to be put to such a very real life or death test.
He can hear the creatures in the distance, and he breaks into a jog. It might be too much on Jyn, but better a little more pain than no pain because they've been killed. The blankets muffle the baby, but it's not perfect; he can hear it, which means so can they. He might be moving faster to outrun the creatures, but it's not a very soothing pace for the infant who's already also dealing with hunger. There's another screech and Cassian hurries along even faster, the barn so close yet so far.
One of the aliens bursts out of the corn just as he skids into the barn. He kicks over the mattress and climbs down the ladder with them in his arms. He hurries Jyn to her feet, knowing full well she might not be able to stand, but he has to get the mattress sealed back over the hatchway. He yanks it just as the creature comes barreling into the barn, and he slides the trapdoor shut too, bolting it.
It thrashes above them, but the room has been built to keep any of their sounds from traveling out. At least that was the goal. It's never been tested so earnestly. Once the top door is secure, he hurries over to Jyn where she's struggling with the baby box.
The first thing Jyn wants to do when she gets a second to herself is throw up because the pain is blinding, but she can't think about it now because she has to tuck the baby away. But the baby is crying because of hunger and if Jyn could just nurse...
"I have to feed her."
She knows the plan, but every instinct and every hormone in her poor body is begging to feed her child, even if logic tells her it's too dangerous right now, even if she knows they just need a few seconds of quiet to be sure that the soundproofing is working, that the creature is abandoning them. Her fingers fumble uselessly, still clutching the baby protectively to her chest, some of the blankets fallen away to show a shock of dark hair and ten tiny fingers and toes stretching and flexing as their newborn daughter gets used to life in this terrible reality.
This was not how Cassian was meant to meet his newborn child.
Her. He has another daughter. He wants to meet her properly, he wants to hold her and see her, kiss her little tiny head.
He holds up his finger to his mouth and shakes his head, ushering them both to the handmade cradle that seems more like a prison than a bed. It's just a few minutes. They just need to be quiet enough that another sound will make the creatures leave. Later, she can be fed later.
Cassian moves Jyn's arms and helps her settle the baby inside the heavily cushioned space, hooking her up to the oxygen tank. He covers it up with the lid, feeling his heart breaking at how it seems like they're sealing the newborn away, knowing she needs to eat, she needs their affection, but more than that, she needs to be alive. The box virtually muffles all the crying, and the walls around them should keep everything else on mute even more. He's done every single thing he could to make sure this room is safe.
Once the baby is inside, he pulls Jyn to him and helps her keep upright, too afraid to move anymore. He stands with her next to the box, holding her against him and cradling her head while the creature continues wrecking havoc above them.
It's a minute, maybe two. But eventually, slowly, they can hear it leaving and silence once again fills the rooms above them. Even so, it still takes Cassian another minute or so to move, paranoia taking precedence.
He pulls away to look at his wife, staring at her tired, wonderful, beautiful face, and despite everything terrible about this day - they're alive. All three of them are alive, and the basement is soundproof. The creature didn't hear them.
Jyn doesn't fight him once he takes over, letting him take control because she knows they both need exactly that. It's the same when he pulls her to his chest, Jyn goes willingly and lets his broad chest hide her sobs and the way her shoulders shake. It worked but their baby is still nestled in a tiny prison and their other children are who knows where.
She appreciates Cassian's determination to wait until he is sure that the creature is gone because it means she can at least make a weak attempt at getting ahold of herself. It is a failed attempt but she nods all the same. It worked, he made it work.
"Avie." Short for Aviana, what Mateo would have been called had he been a girl. Would have been Espi's name if they both hadn't agreed the alliteration of Aviana Andor made her sound like a superhero. Maybe what she needs right now is to be a superhero. It certainly can't hurt. Jyn looks up at Cassian, heartbroken that neither of them are holding their daughter, but determined at the same time. If anyone can protect an infant in this time, it's Cassian. She would never want to do this with anyone else.
When he feels her start silently sobbing into his chest, he doesn't want to let her go. She's just been through something so excruciating and terrifying, and his wife is just... amazing. She is the strongest person he knows, and if he can offer any kind of comfort just by holding her, he'd do it forever.
He kisses her head again, once, twice, three times, before he hears her say the name. He meets her eyes and offers a very timid smile. Aviana. It feels so perfect a name right now, alliteration or otherwise. Avie Andor, safe in her box, safe beneath the walls he designed to keep them all safe.
The kids, she says, and his chest tightens. "You need to sit," he replies, gently maneuvering her over to the bed and helping her lay down on it.
"Mateo knows where to go. Espi will have seen the fireworks and gone to him." He sits beside Jyn, brushing his fingers over her cheek. He doesn't want to leave her, but he already knows he's going to, because his children are still out there. Despite knowing the room works, he can't help but keep talking in a tone barely above a whisper. Two years of rarely using his voice aren't going to be overrun by a single room. "I am going to get them and bring them here, and they will get to meet their new sister. I promise."
The only reason Jyn doesn't fight being effectively put to bed is because of the pain. She's a bloody mess and needs to take care of that before he returns with the children but the flood of relief through her body at getting off her feet finally is too much for her to clean up now. She'll take a minute.
One minute to breathe before she has to get back to work.
"What if she didn't see them?" Jyn doesn't usually voice her biggest fears, that the same ability that saved their family -- Espi's deafness gave them a leg up communicating silently -- might cause harm to their now eldest daughter. Espi is as observant and perceptive as her father, but as reckless and stubborn as her mother. Jyn doesn't want her own influence to win out and get Espi hurt if she doesn't hear something coming.
It's his promise that sways her, in any case. Throughout their entire relationship he'd always been cautious about making promises he couldn't keep, they both had. He's promising her now and she trusts that, trusts him to do every single thing in his power to protect their babies.
He thinks he knew what she was going to ask even before it comes out, simply because it's something he's been trying not to ask himself.
Cassian winds his free hand through Jyn's, squeezing her fingers. His other hand is still cradling her face, and he gets a look of very grim determination on her face. "They were very big fireworks. We have taught her to always look around."
It's a reminder to himself too. Their eldest is all the best and worst qualities of them both, but it makes her even stronger. She can't hear, she can't tell when she's making a noise, but she knows the safe places to go. She wouldn't have strayed too far and left her mother alone.
"If she did not go to the silo, she cannot have gone far." He pulls up Jyn's hand and kisses her knuckles, closing his eyes and leaving his lips against her skin to collect himself. It's a very risky promise and he knows that, but he also knows their children. It's a plan they've gone over a million times. Espi may be stubborn and defiant, but she isn't stupid. He's confident in this promise, because the alternative is unthinkable.
"I sent her to find you," Jyn admits weakly, lifting her hand to curl around Cassian's holding hers. "Find them and come back to me."
She'll be fine until he gets back, but she can't do this on her own. She won't. That remains unspoken but she knows he knows. They'd read On The Beach together. This is not a life she is ever going to survive without Cassian and their children, she won't put Avie through that. She can't. It would be impossible to protect and raise an infant on her own in this kind of world.
She needs Cassian and their children, they have to come back to her.
He frowns, wanting to ask her why. But there's no point to the question now, it's done and over and it just wastes time. If Espi went looking for him, he hadn't seen her, which could narrow down the places she went.
He understands what she means, that unspoken implication. He grappled with it however briefly already today, when he'd thought she'd been killed by one of the creatures. The world was bleak and hopeless and impossible, and only the thought of his children stopped him from screaming right then and there.
Cassian ducks his head towards hers and kisses her sweetly, lingering not out of passion but just being close. "I love you too, Jyn Erso-Andor." He cracks a tiny smile about her name and runs his thumb over her cheek. "More than anything. They will come home to you. And so will I."
Jyn breathes out a weak smile, pushing herself up to kiss him in return, hard and determined and desperate, eschewing all of Cassian's sweetness.
"I know you will, you always have." The only stability in her entire life and he became her life. Her mother had tried and tried to teach her to trust and have faith, but it took meeting this incredible man when he was just a gangly teenage boy for her to really even understand what trust was. He always kept his promises, he always came home to her, he always made her smile when she wanted to scream. For all the horror, if she had to choose between this life with Cassian and a peaceful life without him?
She would choose Cassian every time.
"Go." She releases their clasped hands, lifting her hand to flatten her palm against his cheek, fingers splaying against the familiar scruff of his beard. "Come home soon."
There are a handful of things that always manage to remind him he is loved. The way Espi and Mateo smile at him. The way Jyn kisses him. He feels so loved in this moment, despite the uncertainty about everything surrounding them.
They are alive and together, and sometimes that's all Cassian could ask for. It's what he is fighting for. He would do it a million times, as long as it was Jyn fighting beside him.
He lets go of her very reluctantly, but leans down to kiss her forehead. "Get some rest. Please. You deserve it and more." He climbs to his feet and feels a sense of sadness at their parting, but he cannot leave Espi and Mateo out there without him. "I will see you soon."
He wants to say goodbye to Avie, but he's not sure he'd be able to leave if he looked at her now. He trusts her safety to Jyn and to the walls they made for her in the first place. Before he gets pulled into staying even longer, he moves for the ladder and very carefully opens up the trapdoor once he's sure there's nothing waiting above him.
With a final look at Jyn, he closes it shut behind him and scrambles out of the barn on silent feet.
Jyn nods, silent again. Not out of necessity this time but simply her inability to shrink how much she loves him into a handful of words. She signs I love you and presses it over her heart but it doesn't seem like enough.
She counts to thirty once he's gone, listening to make sure he's not attacked, before she gives into the avalanche of overwhelming emotions and breaks down again -- before he brings the kids back. She can't break down in front of them so she allows herself the luxury now, still stifling the sound of her sobs in the pillow out of habit. It does little to soften the well of anxiety in her belly that never seems to run out of more stress and terror, but it doesn't skim off a measure of hormonal disaster so she feels like can function on at least a basic level.
It's necessary, even if she is exhausted and in pain, she still has to be ready.
She cleans herself up, trying not to cover all of their towels in blood. She cleans and bandages her foot. She cleans Avie finally, pins a diaper on her, wraps her up in blankets and feeds her while she waits, pacing in front of Cassian's surveillance monitors, trying to spot the rest of her family.
The first thing he does is make his way back to the house to retrieve the gun. His priorities were elsewhere earlier, and the fact that Jyn and Avie are now safe below the floor means he made the right call. With the lights still red, Cassian moves quickly along the sand pathways, stopping now and then to make sure he doesn't hear anything. The house is in disarray, and neither of the kids are inside, but the silo is the most likely space. The fire isn't alight at the top, but he tells himself it's a windy night. Maybe it just couldn't stay lit.
There's a commotion at the silo when he's about halfway there, and he runs as quickly as he can. By the time he gets there, the creature is gone, and he watches as Mateo and Espi leap down from a new and giant gaping hole in the middle of it. He flies at them, gathering them in his arms and just letting himself bask for a few seconds in the fact that they're both here and alive.
Now he just needs to get them back to the barn. The trip does not go as smoothly as he might hope.
One of the creatures comes back. There's no telling what sound might have done it, or maybe it just never got very far in the first place after whatever lured it away from the silo. Keeping Espi and Mateo behind him, Cassian holds still as stone at the edge of the cornfield while it stalks around and they listen to the clicking noises it makes, like it's trying to pinpoint exactly where they are. He's almost afraid to breathe, and he can feel Mateo trembling behind him.
In the distance the corn rustles, and Cassian knows there's a second one on the way. The first one leaps onto the roof of the nearby shed and shrieks. He turns himself just enough to see his children and makes sure his hands are in Espi's line of sight.
Barn. Safe room. Espi's eyes widen and she grabs her brother's hand, her jaw tight and shaking. Cassian gestures at himself. Distraction.
Espi furiously shakes her head. Cassian grits his teeth. You must. Your mother is there. Please.
He looks up towards where he knows the camera is angled close to the shed, because he knows Jyn is watching. I love you. I'm sorry.
Mateo grabs his hand and Cassian squeezes it once, then pulls it away, looking between them both and memorizing their faces. He hands Espi the gun. Go. Now. I love you.
He doesn't wait for them to argue again, just pushes them along in the sand path before running in the opposite direction himself. He grabs one of the tools from the shed and throws it hard into the cornfield, where the sharp edge whips through the leaves and lands with a thud in the dirt.
Espi and Mateo are already halfway to the barn by the time the creature leaps from the shed's roof, hellbent on finding the sound. It whips by Cassian in the rush for the cornfield, and the claws swipe hard against his back. He tumbles to the ground and rolls into the corn.
Biting back every urge to scream, Espi lifts up a rock and throws it in the opposite direction of her father, but she doesn't stop running, doesn't stop pulling her brother behind her, their beeline for the barn quiet and quick enough to make both their parents proud.
Jyn should stay off her feet, she should lay down and recover from giving birth in traumatic circumstances less than an hour ago. She doesn't, she can't. She keeps pacing, keeps nursing, keeps watching the monitors for any sign of her family. It feels like hours, like days, that her eyes spend skating over the screens, trying to will her family alive.
She finally finds them, standing at the edge of the cornfield, sees Cassian arguing with Espi -- arguing, she knows, because she recognizes the sharp, stubborn movements of their daughter, the same defiance in her stance as when she and Jyn had argued earlier in the day. She watches, clutching their daughter, as he faces the camera.
"No." He tells her he loves her and she shakes her head, refusing to accept it. "No!" Espi and Mateo start running and Jyn still can't look away, half watching the children, half watching Cassian. She sees Cassian go down and suddenly she's running, sprinting across the basement, hurling herself and the baby out of the bulkhead to meet her children on the path.
Mateo overtakes his sister and barrels into Jyn's legs, clutching at his mother as Espi catches up, eyes widening at the tiny bundle still in her mother's arms. Jyn gestures them both further down the path toward the barn, gently taking the gun out of her daughters hands and pushing her brand new sister into her arms instead. Get back to the barn. Espi nods and it breaks Jyn's heart to see tears slipping down her cheeks, trying to offer a reassuring smile. It's weak. I'm so proud of you.
Espi's expression crumples, but she doesn't make a noise, nodding as she reaches out for Mateo's hand, pulling him back from Jyn so their mother can raise the gun as they start moving toward the barn again.
He blacks out. He's not sure for how long, all he knows is that when his eyes flutter open again, it's still nighttime, his shirt is soaked with blood, and somehow he is still alive. He doesn't dare move, no matter how much his back is in agony. He doesn't know the extent of his injury. He doesn't know if moving will make it worse and finish him off anyway.
Instead he does what he's done best for almost two years. He listens.
It's quiet.
It means his family is inside. That's the only thing he will accept. He doesn't know how the noise of his collapse went unnoticed, but he doesn't give himself time to think about something else having made a louder noise.
Biting into his lip, Cassian tries to roll onto his side, the one with the least amount of damage. It takes a very long time and searing effort given he's laying in the edge of the corn. He doesn't know how much time passes before he's sitting upright, the slow and careful process of rolling himself out of the corn and into the grass and trying to make the least amount of noise.
If he can get to the sand, he can follow the trail home. He wonders briefly if he should. What if he falls, makes a sound, lures the creatures back to the barn?
There's a screech in the distance, but it's away from the house. He can't tell how far, but it's enough to motivate him to make it to the sand. Once he's there, it just seems... easier, to somehow get himself standing now that he's on the path. He can't crawl, what if there's a dragging sound? If he's going to try and get to the house, he needs to walk there, on bare and careful feet.
He falls once and stays on the ground for a good five minutes, waiting and listening, but nothing bursts from the corn. He can't seem to stand again after, resigning himself to crawling and ignoring the smattering of blood patches in his wake while he practically drags himself that final stretch to the barn.
The children get back to the barn and Jyn ushers them back inside, closing the bulkhead behind them. Mateo starts babbling immediately, telling his mother what happened in a squeaky whisper while Jyn takes the baby from his sister to settle her in the cradle. The second her hands are free Espi starts with the same feverish explanation.
She'd seen the fireworks and ran to the silo to light the fire so Cassian would know where to find them. Her chin quivers and Jyn has to fight the urge to gather her up in her arms, but she knows that if she does that she will never let her daughter go and Jyn had a to do list running through her mind.
Espi's frantic signing continues, almost desperate. They'd been attacked, but they'd hidden and then Papa had come for them, but they'd been attacked again and Papa had made them leave, he'd given her the gun and he'd made them leave and she tried to make a noise, but but but. Her fingers still as her tears over take her and Jyn finally stops, crouches in front of her beloved first born.
You did everything right, starshine. Everything. Jyn's hand lifts briefly to touch Espi's cheek, brushing tears away with her thumb before she draws her hand back to continue. Your Papa would be so proud of you for being smart and brave, he was always proud of you. Both hands reach out to cradle her daughters face, leaning in to kiss her forehead. "You are our first love, Espi."
She pauses a moment, letting the girl soak in the comfort she so clearly needs, letting go with one hand to wave Mateo into their little huddle, dropping a kiss on his forehead as well. "I'm so proud of you both. So is Papa."
Releasing them both, Jyn straightens up abruptly, smoothing back their dark hair for a moment. I need you to look after each other, each other and your sister. Avie needs you to look after her. I'm going to the house for supplies. Do not open the doors for anything, do you understand?
The children nod in understanding, Mateo lurching in for another hug tight enough that Jyn has to physically detach him from her waist and step away. "I'll be quick, mija."
Picking up the gun again, Jyn slips out of the basement, lingering a moment to make sure that she can't hear the children inside, counting to thirty before she moves back to the house. A single gun isn't going to protect her children and she has to protect her children. Once her thirty count is over, she counts to thirty again, listening.
He doesn't think he can make it up the stairs and inside. There's not even that many of them, but the floor is a wreck from earlier when the creature tried to find them. How can be possibly navigate it without making a sound? He wants to roll over on his back while he thinks it over, but it's already a bloody, dangerous mess that letting any more dirt or grime fall into the open wound seems like a bad idea.
They're safe in the basement. He hasn't seen any more signs of a struggle. The problem now is... getting into the basement himself. He can't bang on the door. He physically can't go back to where he knows the camera is pointed. But he feels like a sitting duck if he just waits.
And then he sees Jyn coming out of the barn. His heart is going to burst with how grateful he is just to see her, alive and walking and grimly determined. But seeing her gets him to push himself back to his feet, standing up on weakened legs while he stumbles his way closer.
He can't call out. He tries to wave, but he can't lift his arm above his head without pulling at his back. Please look, he thinks, over and over and over.
She doesn't see him at first, but she's going to come back. The children are in the basement, she wouldn't leave Avie alone if they weren't there with her. All he has to do is get close enough to the barn that she'll see him on the way back, if she doesn't turn and look sooner. It's barely twenty feet, but it feels an impossible distance.
He gets over halfway there, never straying off the sand, but he falls again with a sudden sharp spike of pain. At least this time it's near the barn, even if he wishes he could have fallen more softly. It's a very quiet thud, but still a thud, and all he can do is stay still and hope it doesn't carry far.
Jyn makes quick work of their supplies, having packed enough in preparation for her labor that was not meant to happen so soon. They're already moved all the baby supplies, blankets and diapers and the sling she'd carried both the others around in. But there's Espi's clothes and Mateo's clothes, she shoves those in a bag, more clothes for herself, food, necessities. They can always come back in a few days.
She ventures carefully into the basement to grab all of Cassian's notes, closing her eyes against the tears that come from the sight of his handwriting. She doesn't have time to mourn, turning the red lights off at last. Satisfied they can last a while in the basement without having to fuss while she should be resting, Jyn retrieves the gun and begins her silent walk back to the barn.
Except there is Cassian, in the middle of the path.
Jyn races silently across the sand, kneeling down next to the fallen form of her husband. Her hands flutter over his bloodied back, biting down hard on her lip to keep silent as her fingers trace his jaw, unable to stem the waterfall of tears down her cheeks out of sheer relief that he'd come back for her. It's impossible, he shouldn't be here. Nothing survived those monsters, they had both seem stronger, fitter men go down in a flurry of claws and teeth, but Cassian is alive and breathing.
And she needs to get him down to the basement immediately. Rocking back on her heels, she moves forward to curl her hand under his arm, urging him to his feet. She doesn't have time to triage his injuries and she knows it is going to hurt, but they can't stay outside like this.
He probably lays there longer than he needs to, but part of that is just how tired he is. How much the pain sears through his spine. He closes his eyes, focusing on his breathing, on keeping it steady and quiet and just hoping his wife comes by soon.
They're so used to moving around in the silence, that he doesn't notice Jyn is there until she kneels beside him and touches him. Her fingers on his jaw are achingly familiar. He tries to roll over again to see her, but she's too busy pulling him to his feet.
It's as painful as she assumed, but he just thinks about Jyn giving birth in a bathtub and it doesn't matter. He trusts her, he loves her, he can't do this himself and he doesn't care how she manhandles him. He does his best to climb upward, even if he's worried about putting too much weight on her, because there's no way she's gotten enough rest yet to rebuild her full strength. He drops his arm around her shoulders and follows her lead.
His eyes are watery, but he's not sure if it's because of how much everything hurts or the fact that Jyn is here with him, that they're all going to be okay.
I love you he wants to say, over and over and over, but he can't say anything until they're both safely back into the basement.
Jyn seems relatively unbothered by any weight her has on her, but she's also pulled apart two silently fighting children when she was nine months pregnant so some of Cassian's weight isn't much of a big deal. It feels too slow, too slow and too loud even if they aren't making any noise. Every step feels like it takes an eternity, fingers curled so tightly around the gun that her knuckles turn white.
They make it to the barn, together, Jyn careful to keep him from knocking into anything. She releases him only for as long as it takes to heave the bulkhead open, holding it open with shaking arms as she helps him down the stairs, closing it behind them both and helping Cassian sit on the last couple of steps before she stops.
There's always that moment when they just
stop.
She counts to ten, but she only gets to three when the children see their father and abandon their baby sister to run over to him, both already blubbering messes even before they get close enough to throw themselves at their Papa. Jyn knows she should stop them, he's honestly too injured, but she sinks down next to Cassian on the steps and closes her eyes, thanking everything that her family is alive.
It's the opposite of his mad rush earlier to get her downstairs, the way the creature was on their heels. Slow, steady, silent. His feet are unsteady as Jyn carries him down. He goes down without hesitation when she settles him on the stairs, because he's made it this far, it honestly doesn't matter what happens next. She's with him.
She stops, and so does he, and for those three seconds, Cassian just looks at her. His wonderful, beautiful, unstoppable wife, and he doesn't need to say anything right now to prove he's madly in love with her still.
Espi and Mateo fly at him, and he opens his arms without thinking, holding them close even as the force of their hug pushes him backward. He cringes when the step hits his back, but doesn't let them go, feeling the waterworks really let loose. How can he possibly let them go, when they all thought he had died? He'd been more than willing to die for them, but he's so very glad he didn't.
His grip on them weakens though, just because he himself is so weak. Espi notices immediately, then soon notices how bloody he is. She pulls Mateo back in alarm, and Cassian can't fight it as much as he wants to keep holding them, tilting sideways and letting his head drop to Jyn's shoulder.
I'm sorry, he manages to say, signing instead of speaking just to make sure Espi gets the message too.
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ohnofeelstho2018-04-12 11:54 pm
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Some of the relief edges away as worry slips in when she asks about the children. She doesn't know where Espi is. He'd thought maybe she was hiding away, that Jyn had sent her elsewhere once the creature came to the house. He brushes some of the hair from her face, then pulls back one of his own hands to sign two words. Him. Rocket.
There's a puzzled screech from outside, but he knows not even that would be enough to distract Jyn from the fact that he hasn't mentioned their daughter. The baby gives off the tiniest of whines under the blankets and Cassian stiffens.
He lets go of her to use both hands to speak next, keeping his body leaning in close and trying to swallow down the panic that neither of them know where Espi is. We can't stay here.
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Easy to Love, Difficult to Discipline. The Strong Willed Child. Scream Free Parenting. The last one still surprisingly relevant.
They can't stay, he's right, and Jyn doesn't bother fighting him, curling her arm tighter around the impossibly small infant as she braces her other hand on the door frame, wincing as she struggles to her feet, feeling pain explode around her midsection. It at least dulls the pain from her foot, so that's always nice. Especially considering the happy hormones that make childbirth a fuzzy, gauzy memory of only the happiness of holding her precious baby are nowhere to be found.
Two hands are necessary to ask for help, but the way Jyn tips into Cassian, forehead pressing against his shoulder is sign enough that there is no way in hell she is going to be able to go quietly.
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Watching the way Jyn winces in pain, Cassian springs to action. There's no way this is going to happen easily, he knows that, just like there's no way she's going to be able to move without sound. She probably only made it from the tub to the shower because of the fireworks.
As quietly as he can, he maneuvers himself around and wedges his arms around hers and her back. He helps her to her feet, slowly, carefully, and somehow he manages to get her up without any noise. He doesn't help her out of the shower. He lifts her out of it. Once he's standing on the bathroom floor with Jyn and baby in his arms, he spares a moment to just... hold her. He avoids her midsection as best he can, scooping his arms around her shoulders and legs.
But it's only a moment. He kisses her temple and carries his wife and baby out of the bathroom, heart pounding while he listens. Always listening, always on guard.
The baby whines again, tiny little hungry sounds, and Cassian moves a little faster, slipping down the stairs in silence as quickly as he can without hurting Jyn. It's going to carry. The fireworks have ended, though he isn't sure when, the sounds of their newborn are now the loudest. He tiptoes towards the door and outside, where the lights are still red, leading the way across the sand path towards the barn with their special soundproof basement.
Its not far. They can do this. He can do this, he can get her there, then find Espi and Mateo.
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Espi is smart, she knows what to do because they'd taught her what to do and they'd taught Mateo and even if Espi didn't go to the silo for her own good, she would always go to protect her brother. Jyn has to believe in that.
She tries to be less of a dead weight against Cassian but the reality isn't quite so easy. She knows the baby is hungry, needing to eat, but she can't exactly maneuver to feed at the moment, try as she might. She can't do it at least without pulling back more of the blankets and what little is peeled back for air is already too much, too loud. All she can do is hope that the movement of Cassian carrying them both will be as soothing as being rocked and the baby will fall asleep, but that doesn't seem to be how this day is going to go. This day is going to wring her dry.
Their children are smart and brave and wonderful, just like their father, they will protect each other and they will all come back to her. They have to, they must.
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He can hear the creatures in the distance, and he breaks into a jog. It might be too much on Jyn, but better a little more pain than no pain because they've been killed. The blankets muffle the baby, but it's not perfect; he can hear it, which means so can they. He might be moving faster to outrun the creatures, but it's not a very soothing pace for the infant who's already also dealing with hunger. There's another screech and Cassian hurries along even faster, the barn so close yet so far.
One of the aliens bursts out of the corn just as he skids into the barn. He kicks over the mattress and climbs down the ladder with them in his arms. He hurries Jyn to her feet, knowing full well she might not be able to stand, but he has to get the mattress sealed back over the hatchway. He yanks it just as the creature comes barreling into the barn, and he slides the trapdoor shut too, bolting it.
It thrashes above them, but the room has been built to keep any of their sounds from traveling out. At least that was the goal. It's never been tested so earnestly. Once the top door is secure, he hurries over to Jyn where she's struggling with the baby box.
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"I have to feed her."
She knows the plan, but every instinct and every hormone in her poor body is begging to feed her child, even if logic tells her it's too dangerous right now, even if she knows they just need a few seconds of quiet to be sure that the soundproofing is working, that the creature is abandoning them. Her fingers fumble uselessly, still clutching the baby protectively to her chest, some of the blankets fallen away to show a shock of dark hair and ten tiny fingers and toes stretching and flexing as their newborn daughter gets used to life in this terrible reality.
This was not how Cassian was meant to meet his newborn child.
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He holds up his finger to his mouth and shakes his head, ushering them both to the handmade cradle that seems more like a prison than a bed. It's just a few minutes. They just need to be quiet enough that another sound will make the creatures leave. Later, she can be fed later.
Cassian moves Jyn's arms and helps her settle the baby inside the heavily cushioned space, hooking her up to the oxygen tank. He covers it up with the lid, feeling his heart breaking at how it seems like they're sealing the newborn away, knowing she needs to eat, she needs their affection, but more than that, she needs to be alive. The box virtually muffles all the crying, and the walls around them should keep everything else on mute even more. He's done every single thing he could to make sure this room is safe.
Once the baby is inside, he pulls Jyn to him and helps her keep upright, too afraid to move anymore. He stands with her next to the box, holding her against him and cradling her head while the creature continues wrecking havoc above them.
It's a minute, maybe two. But eventually, slowly, they can hear it leaving and silence once again fills the rooms above them. Even so, it still takes Cassian another minute or so to move, paranoia taking precedence.
He pulls away to look at his wife, staring at her tired, wonderful, beautiful face, and despite everything terrible about this day - they're alive. All three of them are alive, and the basement is soundproof. The creature didn't hear them.
"It worked," he whispers.
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She appreciates Cassian's determination to wait until he is sure that the creature is gone because it means she can at least make a weak attempt at getting ahold of herself. It is a failed attempt but she nods all the same. It worked, he made it work.
"Avie." Short for Aviana, what Mateo would have been called had he been a girl. Would have been Espi's name if they both hadn't agreed the alliteration of Aviana Andor made her sound like a superhero. Maybe what she needs right now is to be a superhero. It certainly can't hurt. Jyn looks up at Cassian, heartbroken that neither of them are holding their daughter, but determined at the same time. If anyone can protect an infant in this time, it's Cassian. She would never want to do this with anyone else.
"The kids."
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He kisses her head again, once, twice, three times, before he hears her say the name. He meets her eyes and offers a very timid smile. Aviana. It feels so perfect a name right now, alliteration or otherwise. Avie Andor, safe in her box, safe beneath the walls he designed to keep them all safe.
The kids, she says, and his chest tightens. "You need to sit," he replies, gently maneuvering her over to the bed and helping her lay down on it.
"Mateo knows where to go. Espi will have seen the fireworks and gone to him." He sits beside Jyn, brushing his fingers over her cheek. He doesn't want to leave her, but he already knows he's going to, because his children are still out there. Despite knowing the room works, he can't help but keep talking in a tone barely above a whisper. Two years of rarely using his voice aren't going to be overrun by a single room. "I am going to get them and bring them here, and they will get to meet their new sister. I promise."
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One minute to breathe before she has to get back to work.
"What if she didn't see them?" Jyn doesn't usually voice her biggest fears, that the same ability that saved their family -- Espi's deafness gave them a leg up communicating silently -- might cause harm to their now eldest daughter. Espi is as observant and perceptive as her father, but as reckless and stubborn as her mother. Jyn doesn't want her own influence to win out and get Espi hurt if she doesn't hear something coming.
It's his promise that sways her, in any case. Throughout their entire relationship he'd always been cautious about making promises he couldn't keep, they both had. He's promising her now and she trusts that, trusts him to do every single thing in his power to protect their babies.
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Cassian winds his free hand through Jyn's, squeezing her fingers. His other hand is still cradling her face, and he gets a look of very grim determination on her face. "They were very big fireworks. We have taught her to always look around."
It's a reminder to himself too. Their eldest is all the best and worst qualities of them both, but it makes her even stronger. She can't hear, she can't tell when she's making a noise, but she knows the safe places to go. She wouldn't have strayed too far and left her mother alone.
"If she did not go to the silo, she cannot have gone far." He pulls up Jyn's hand and kisses her knuckles, closing his eyes and leaving his lips against her skin to collect himself. It's a very risky promise and he knows that, but he also knows their children. It's a plan they've gone over a million times. Espi may be stubborn and defiant, but she isn't stupid. He's confident in this promise, because the alternative is unthinkable.
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She'll be fine until he gets back, but she can't do this on her own. She won't. That remains unspoken but she knows he knows. They'd read On The Beach together. This is not a life she is ever going to survive without Cassian and their children, she won't put Avie through that. She can't. It would be impossible to protect and raise an infant on her own in this kind of world.
She needs Cassian and their children, they have to come back to her.
"I love you, Cassian Andor."
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He understands what she means, that unspoken implication. He grappled with it however briefly already today, when he'd thought she'd been killed by one of the creatures. The world was bleak and hopeless and impossible, and only the thought of his children stopped him from screaming right then and there.
Cassian ducks his head towards hers and kisses her sweetly, lingering not out of passion but just being close. "I love you too, Jyn Erso-Andor." He cracks a tiny smile about her name and runs his thumb over her cheek. "More than anything. They will come home to you. And so will I."
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"I know you will, you always have." The only stability in her entire life and he became her life. Her mother had tried and tried to teach her to trust and have faith, but it took meeting this incredible man when he was just a gangly teenage boy for her to really even understand what trust was. He always kept his promises, he always came home to her, he always made her smile when she wanted to scream. For all the horror, if she had to choose between this life with Cassian and a peaceful life without him?
She would choose Cassian every time.
"Go." She releases their clasped hands, lifting her hand to flatten her palm against his cheek, fingers splaying against the familiar scruff of his beard. "Come home soon."
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They are alive and together, and sometimes that's all Cassian could ask for. It's what he is fighting for. He would do it a million times, as long as it was Jyn fighting beside him.
He lets go of her very reluctantly, but leans down to kiss her forehead. "Get some rest. Please. You deserve it and more." He climbs to his feet and feels a sense of sadness at their parting, but he cannot leave Espi and Mateo out there without him. "I will see you soon."
He wants to say goodbye to Avie, but he's not sure he'd be able to leave if he looked at her now. He trusts her safety to Jyn and to the walls they made for her in the first place. Before he gets pulled into staying even longer, he moves for the ladder and very carefully opens up the trapdoor once he's sure there's nothing waiting above him.
With a final look at Jyn, he closes it shut behind him and scrambles out of the barn on silent feet.
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She counts to thirty once he's gone, listening to make sure he's not attacked, before she gives into the avalanche of overwhelming emotions and breaks down again -- before he brings the kids back. She can't break down in front of them so she allows herself the luxury now, still stifling the sound of her sobs in the pillow out of habit. It does little to soften the well of anxiety in her belly that never seems to run out of more stress and terror, but it doesn't skim off a measure of hormonal disaster so she feels like can function on at least a basic level.
It's necessary, even if she is exhausted and in pain, she still has to be ready.
She cleans herself up, trying not to cover all of their towels in blood. She cleans and bandages her foot. She cleans Avie finally, pins a diaper on her, wraps her up in blankets and feeds her while she waits, pacing in front of Cassian's surveillance monitors, trying to spot the rest of her family.
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There's a commotion at the silo when he's about halfway there, and he runs as quickly as he can. By the time he gets there, the creature is gone, and he watches as Mateo and Espi leap down from a new and giant gaping hole in the middle of it. He flies at them, gathering them in his arms and just letting himself bask for a few seconds in the fact that they're both here and alive.
Now he just needs to get them back to the barn. The trip does not go as smoothly as he might hope.
One of the creatures comes back. There's no telling what sound might have done it, or maybe it just never got very far in the first place after whatever lured it away from the silo. Keeping Espi and Mateo behind him, Cassian holds still as stone at the edge of the cornfield while it stalks around and they listen to the clicking noises it makes, like it's trying to pinpoint exactly where they are. He's almost afraid to breathe, and he can feel Mateo trembling behind him.
In the distance the corn rustles, and Cassian knows there's a second one on the way. The first one leaps onto the roof of the nearby shed and shrieks. He turns himself just enough to see his children and makes sure his hands are in Espi's line of sight.
Barn. Safe room. Espi's eyes widen and she grabs her brother's hand, her jaw tight and shaking. Cassian gestures at himself. Distraction.
Espi furiously shakes her head. Cassian grits his teeth. You must. Your mother is there. Please.
He looks up towards where he knows the camera is angled close to the shed, because he knows Jyn is watching. I love you. I'm sorry.
Mateo grabs his hand and Cassian squeezes it once, then pulls it away, looking between them both and memorizing their faces. He hands Espi the gun. Go. Now. I love you.
He doesn't wait for them to argue again, just pushes them along in the sand path before running in the opposite direction himself. He grabs one of the tools from the shed and throws it hard into the cornfield, where the sharp edge whips through the leaves and lands with a thud in the dirt.
Espi and Mateo are already halfway to the barn by the time the creature leaps from the shed's roof, hellbent on finding the sound. It whips by Cassian in the rush for the cornfield, and the claws swipe hard against his back. He tumbles to the ground and rolls into the corn.
Biting back every urge to scream, Espi lifts up a rock and throws it in the opposite direction of her father, but she doesn't stop running, doesn't stop pulling her brother behind her, their beeline for the barn quiet and quick enough to make both their parents proud.
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She finally finds them, standing at the edge of the cornfield, sees Cassian arguing with Espi -- arguing, she knows, because she recognizes the sharp, stubborn movements of their daughter, the same defiance in her stance as when she and Jyn had argued earlier in the day. She watches, clutching their daughter, as he faces the camera.
"No." He tells her he loves her and she shakes her head, refusing to accept it. "No!" Espi and Mateo start running and Jyn still can't look away, half watching the children, half watching Cassian. She sees Cassian go down and suddenly she's running, sprinting across the basement, hurling herself and the baby out of the bulkhead to meet her children on the path.
Mateo overtakes his sister and barrels into Jyn's legs, clutching at his mother as Espi catches up, eyes widening at the tiny bundle still in her mother's arms. Jyn gestures them both further down the path toward the barn, gently taking the gun out of her daughters hands and pushing her brand new sister into her arms instead. Get back to the barn. Espi nods and it breaks Jyn's heart to see tears slipping down her cheeks, trying to offer a reassuring smile. It's weak. I'm so proud of you.
Espi's expression crumples, but she doesn't make a noise, nodding as she reaches out for Mateo's hand, pulling him back from Jyn so their mother can raise the gun as they start moving toward the barn again.
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Instead he does what he's done best for almost two years. He listens.
It's quiet.
It means his family is inside. That's the only thing he will accept. He doesn't know how the noise of his collapse went unnoticed, but he doesn't give himself time to think about something else having made a louder noise.
Biting into his lip, Cassian tries to roll onto his side, the one with the least amount of damage. It takes a very long time and searing effort given he's laying in the edge of the corn. He doesn't know how much time passes before he's sitting upright, the slow and careful process of rolling himself out of the corn and into the grass and trying to make the least amount of noise.
If he can get to the sand, he can follow the trail home. He wonders briefly if he should. What if he falls, makes a sound, lures the creatures back to the barn?
There's a screech in the distance, but it's away from the house. He can't tell how far, but it's enough to motivate him to make it to the sand. Once he's there, it just seems... easier, to somehow get himself standing now that he's on the path. He can't crawl, what if there's a dragging sound? If he's going to try and get to the house, he needs to walk there, on bare and careful feet.
He falls once and stays on the ground for a good five minutes, waiting and listening, but nothing bursts from the corn. He can't seem to stand again after, resigning himself to crawling and ignoring the smattering of blood patches in his wake while he practically drags himself that final stretch to the barn.
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She'd seen the fireworks and ran to the silo to light the fire so Cassian would know where to find them. Her chin quivers and Jyn has to fight the urge to gather her up in her arms, but she knows that if she does that she will never let her daughter go and Jyn had a to do list running through her mind.
Espi's frantic signing continues, almost desperate. They'd been attacked, but they'd hidden and then Papa had come for them, but they'd been attacked again and Papa had made them leave, he'd given her the gun and he'd made them leave and she tried to make a noise, but but but. Her fingers still as her tears over take her and Jyn finally stops, crouches in front of her beloved first born.
You did everything right, starshine. Everything. Jyn's hand lifts briefly to touch Espi's cheek, brushing tears away with her thumb before she draws her hand back to continue. Your Papa would be so proud of you for being smart and brave, he was always proud of you. Both hands reach out to cradle her daughters face, leaning in to kiss her forehead. "You are our first love, Espi."
She pauses a moment, letting the girl soak in the comfort she so clearly needs, letting go with one hand to wave Mateo into their little huddle, dropping a kiss on his forehead as well. "I'm so proud of you both. So is Papa."
Releasing them both, Jyn straightens up abruptly, smoothing back their dark hair for a moment. I need you to look after each other, each other and your sister. Avie needs you to look after her. I'm going to the house for supplies. Do not open the doors for anything, do you understand?
The children nod in understanding, Mateo lurching in for another hug tight enough that Jyn has to physically detach him from her waist and step away. "I'll be quick, mija."
Picking up the gun again, Jyn slips out of the basement, lingering a moment to make sure that she can't hear the children inside, counting to thirty before she moves back to the house. A single gun isn't going to protect her children and she has to protect her children. Once her thirty count is over, she counts to thirty again, listening.
Just listening.
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They're safe in the basement. He hasn't seen any more signs of a struggle. The problem now is... getting into the basement himself. He can't bang on the door. He physically can't go back to where he knows the camera is pointed. But he feels like a sitting duck if he just waits.
And then he sees Jyn coming out of the barn. His heart is going to burst with how grateful he is just to see her, alive and walking and grimly determined. But seeing her gets him to push himself back to his feet, standing up on weakened legs while he stumbles his way closer.
He can't call out. He tries to wave, but he can't lift his arm above his head without pulling at his back. Please look, he thinks, over and over and over.
She doesn't see him at first, but she's going to come back. The children are in the basement, she wouldn't leave Avie alone if they weren't there with her. All he has to do is get close enough to the barn that she'll see him on the way back, if she doesn't turn and look sooner. It's barely twenty feet, but it feels an impossible distance.
He gets over halfway there, never straying off the sand, but he falls again with a sudden sharp spike of pain. At least this time it's near the barn, even if he wishes he could have fallen more softly. It's a very quiet thud, but still a thud, and all he can do is stay still and hope it doesn't carry far.
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She ventures carefully into the basement to grab all of Cassian's notes, closing her eyes against the tears that come from the sight of his handwriting. She doesn't have time to mourn, turning the red lights off at last. Satisfied they can last a while in the basement without having to fuss while she should be resting, Jyn retrieves the gun and begins her silent walk back to the barn.
Except there is Cassian, in the middle of the path.
Jyn races silently across the sand, kneeling down next to the fallen form of her husband. Her hands flutter over his bloodied back, biting down hard on her lip to keep silent as her fingers trace his jaw, unable to stem the waterfall of tears down her cheeks out of sheer relief that he'd come back for her. It's impossible, he shouldn't be here. Nothing survived those monsters, they had both seem stronger, fitter men go down in a flurry of claws and teeth, but Cassian is alive and breathing.
And she needs to get him down to the basement immediately. Rocking back on her heels, she moves forward to curl her hand under his arm, urging him to his feet. She doesn't have time to triage his injuries and she knows it is going to hurt, but they can't stay outside like this.
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They're so used to moving around in the silence, that he doesn't notice Jyn is there until she kneels beside him and touches him. Her fingers on his jaw are achingly familiar. He tries to roll over again to see her, but she's too busy pulling him to his feet.
It's as painful as she assumed, but he just thinks about Jyn giving birth in a bathtub and it doesn't matter. He trusts her, he loves her, he can't do this himself and he doesn't care how she manhandles him. He does his best to climb upward, even if he's worried about putting too much weight on her, because there's no way she's gotten enough rest yet to rebuild her full strength. He drops his arm around her shoulders and follows her lead.
His eyes are watery, but he's not sure if it's because of how much everything hurts or the fact that Jyn is here with him, that they're all going to be okay.
I love you he wants to say, over and over and over, but he can't say anything until they're both safely back into the basement.
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They make it to the barn, together, Jyn careful to keep him from knocking into anything. She releases him only for as long as it takes to heave the bulkhead open, holding it open with shaking arms as she helps him down the stairs, closing it behind them both and helping Cassian sit on the last couple of steps before she stops.
There's always that moment when they just
stop.
She counts to ten, but she only gets to three when the children see their father and abandon their baby sister to run over to him, both already blubbering messes even before they get close enough to throw themselves at their Papa. Jyn knows she should stop them, he's honestly too injured, but she sinks down next to Cassian on the steps and closes her eyes, thanking everything that her family is alive.
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She stops, and so does he, and for those three seconds, Cassian just looks at her. His wonderful, beautiful, unstoppable wife, and he doesn't need to say anything right now to prove he's madly in love with her still.
Espi and Mateo fly at him, and he opens his arms without thinking, holding them close even as the force of their hug pushes him backward. He cringes when the step hits his back, but doesn't let them go, feeling the waterworks really let loose. How can he possibly let them go, when they all thought he had died? He'd been more than willing to die for them, but he's so very glad he didn't.
His grip on them weakens though, just because he himself is so weak. Espi notices immediately, then soon notices how bloody he is. She pulls Mateo back in alarm, and Cassian can't fight it as much as he wants to keep holding them, tilting sideways and letting his head drop to Jyn's shoulder.
I'm sorry, he manages to say, signing instead of speaking just to make sure Espi gets the message too.
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