He sees the way her face crumbles and thinks maybe her hesitation will keep her there, but it was a stupid hope, once her expression shifts into more of a shield. Like his. She's protecting herself from him and he should apologize again, but his throat closes up like the rest of him.
Cassian watches her leave in a rush, each step feeling like it's right on his chest, but he just keeps telling himself he has no right to feel hurt, not when he created this distance. He tries to shut that part off too, with only marginal success.
Two seconds later he punches the hull of the ship, flinching with the pain of it.
K2 clangs over in a hurry and fusses. "You are both being irrational. You will need to get that looked at, Cassian!"
He can't even tell his droid to shut up again, he just dives back into fixing up the ship until he exhausts every possible delay and unnecessary repair. The walk back to his room is long, and he feels like every single person is looking at him like they know what he did, even when in reality only a handful of rebels even give him a passing glance.
Their room is empty and dark, and after he shuts the door behind him, Cassian stands there staring at the bed for some indiscriminate amount of time. He makes his way to the sink and scrubs his hands raw, ignoring the way his knuckles are purpling. He showers, washing away the rest of the physical reminders of a successful mission with a high body count, and by the time he's back out and ready to collapse into bed, he very seriously considers sleeping on the floor.
Or laying, at least. He's not going to be able to sleep any time soon.
He sits at the edge of the bed, unable to bring himself to push further in when it's so empty. It's bad enough trying to sleep alone when they're not on the same planet. Elbows on his knees, he leans his head into his hands and tries not to think about how he wishes Jyn were here, but the other option is thinking about the Rebellion so really it's a no-win situation. Eventually he slides to the floor and tilts his head back against the mattress, arms over his knees and eyes closed like maybe if he does that much he can at least get something that sort of qualifies as rest, as long as he can keep everything inside him trapped on mute.
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Cassian watches her leave in a rush, each step feeling like it's right on his chest, but he just keeps telling himself he has no right to feel hurt, not when he created this distance. He tries to shut that part off too, with only marginal success.
Two seconds later he punches the hull of the ship, flinching with the pain of it.
K2 clangs over in a hurry and fusses. "You are both being irrational. You will need to get that looked at, Cassian!"
He can't even tell his droid to shut up again, he just dives back into fixing up the ship until he exhausts every possible delay and unnecessary repair. The walk back to his room is long, and he feels like every single person is looking at him like they know what he did, even when in reality only a handful of rebels even give him a passing glance.
Their room is empty and dark, and after he shuts the door behind him, Cassian stands there staring at the bed for some indiscriminate amount of time. He makes his way to the sink and scrubs his hands raw, ignoring the way his knuckles are purpling. He showers, washing away the rest of the physical reminders of a successful mission with a high body count, and by the time he's back out and ready to collapse into bed, he very seriously considers sleeping on the floor.
Or laying, at least. He's not going to be able to sleep any time soon.
He sits at the edge of the bed, unable to bring himself to push further in when it's so empty. It's bad enough trying to sleep alone when they're not on the same planet. Elbows on his knees, he leans his head into his hands and tries not to think about how he wishes Jyn were here, but the other option is thinking about the Rebellion so really it's a no-win situation. Eventually he slides to the floor and tilts his head back against the mattress, arms over his knees and eyes closed like maybe if he does that much he can at least get something that sort of qualifies as rest, as long as he can keep everything inside him trapped on mute.